As recited and experienced by yours truly.
Coming from the hot sun-tanned bikini laden beaches of Florida to a state where Ford and GM cars are stolen more than foreign cars, you learn some things on how to survive.
First in order to make it through the winter you must make a vital purchase- the ice scraper. Now no ordinary one will do- forget the small held ones- they suck. However keep a spare one in your trunk so that when your lazy ass friends complain about how long it takes you to chisel off the ice, you can make their punk-ass get out and hack away with you. You need the mother of ice-scrapers and one with one of those brushes attached. They come in a variety of fashionable colors as well. It can also serve as a weapon to fend off any rabid squirrels.
Next make sure you get a job where there’s a restaurant inside or attached- that way you don’t hafta freeze your ass off nor will you starve.
Chances of you living where you work is probably unlikely- unless you are of course me. So you will hafta use your car. Now heres what you do when mother nature dumps a half foot of snow and some ice onto your car:
Carry your ice-scraper with you- don’t leave it in the car. That way you can go out to car and brush the snow off the windows before you open the door otherwise you’ve just invited a bunch of snow into your car and that’s not good cause it will melt and freeze and then youre fucked. I don’t know why everyone else leaves them in their car- I guess we Floridians are just too smart.
Start your car and blast the heaters. Turn on the rear window defroster too- if you don’t have one well then your car sucks. Expect delays. Make sure you kick your mud flaps to get off those sludge bricks. If your car doesn’t have mud flaps, then you suck and will be cursed at by every driver while you spray that nasty ooze slush all over the highway.
Next- don’t drive anywhere off campus. If this can’t be avoided, then drive in the tracks of the road where the snow has been cleared. Ive learned that bridges are breeding grounds for ice- so be careful if you go over any, otherwise your ass will end up dazed and confused in a snow bank waiting for Billy Joe and the local Militia Union 1727 to drive along in their wife beater brown 1972 Ford truck and pull you outta the snow.
Invest in a pair of gloves that survive Artic temps…these may cost ya but well worth it. I kinda think the whole hat thing is overrated- I mean, c’mon do I wanna have hat-head?? Its bad enough that Ive been having some bad hair days lately. You can get those fleece headbands and look like a Ski Slope Stud (or in my case, a poseur who’s idea of slopes is the rather nice curves of….sorry, my mind went in the gutter- it happens a lot up here in the winter. But damn, that was a pleasant thought.
Since Michigan has a returnable can/bottle law- its probably ok to keep a bottle of whiskey (or Yukon Jack) in your car- everyone else seems to do so- it’s the only place ive ever been that at parties, you just set your beer outside on the porch to keep it cold.
Don’t get too into massive jackets. Ive got like this big ass trench coat and I bet it could warm a small town but Ive only worn it once so far. Tomorrow will be twice, but I hafta make sure I wear it with my big-ass black shoes, because it matches better than my big ass brown shoes.
Next- its hard to look good in the winter if youre a guy. I cant explain this. Women still look cute like snow-bunnies. Its good advice however to be a little cautious about women all bundled up because you may not know whats underneath. At least in Florida, what you see is what you get. Well I take that back, one time this girl had a Wonder Bra ™ and I was certainly left wondering…..but hey, as long as they are bigger than mine ?
Ok well those are just a few of those lessons Ive learned here- stay tuned for more on the wacky wild-n-crazy stories of life as Floridian trapped in a small time town!