| Bad things happen in 3’s. For as long as I can remember, I have loved aggressive, balls out soccer. Heck I have more leg padding than a 13 year old’s bra so I can wrecklessly slide-tackle any MoFo who even dares to try me. Of course, I seem to forget that I am not 19 anymore and finally it has come back to haunt me. On the first Tuesday of classes, me being the uber-cool administrator, played soccer with the kiddo’s to prove that Im a bad MoFo. 10 minutes later I am writhing in agony, like someone took a baseball bat and just cracked your shins twice (one for good measure). While ER was amazed that my blood pressure was so low, I was amazed I wasn’t crying like another reject from the Bachelor. Heck all I was thinking about was “How the hell am I gonna tell my parents this” and “what kind of cool story can I make up.” I have never ridden in an ambulance and don’t have any future desire. The hospital here was like Scrubs and at least I think that’s a witty show. I was the main attraction, must have picked a low massive injury hour because everyone from the janitor to the head hospital honcho stopped by to shake their heads at my X-rays. Come to think of it, there was a cute receptionist who surely had to be of the Manishevitz Persuasion. After my super size shot of Demerol in my arse (which caused me more pain days later), I was babbling like an idiot with a short term memory comparable to your average dope fiend. Think Half Baked. I think I was most upset that this whole leg cast thing took away my opportunity to drive, to dress Seth chic, and to well, walk, drink, eat, etc. I own 2 legitimate pairs of shorts. It could be 100 degrees out and I would still have pants on unless I was hiking the Grand Canyon or hitting the beach….so this definitely dampened my fashion aura, plus I have to wear sneakers for a few more weeks. Another area that I am lacking…. Crutches are not cool however women kinda dig that. I also got a wheel chair however this seems to have the sympathetic affect and I hate that so I only use it at work or when I am sitting out in front of my apartment after a Category 2 Hurricane named Frances. 2 phrases that I wish to never hear again: “hunkered down” as in “The residents of South Florida are hunkered down in their homes as the storm pounds the living daylights out of their world” and #2 “feeder band” – as in “and another strong feeder band from the hurricane is coming to West Palm Beach in 10 minutes.” Hell I felt like an embedded reporter, “live from the Hurricane HQ.” How to survive a hurricane, Seth style with an added broken leg: 1. Beer. No, not to drink cause it doesn’t mix well with Percocet. Beer to trade with local idiots. Once a hurricane comes, curfews are enforced and there are no alcohol sales anywhere until its lifted. Its better than cash…and there are a lot of idiots here (see 2000 Election for example) 2. Wheelchair – when you got no power, just wheel yourself on outside….true I hated this more than an 8AM college class, however compared to the alternative sweating buckets inside…. 3. Mini TV – 16 years ago, I would have never guessed that the mini black and white TV with a whooping 2 inch screen would come in as my vital source of contact with the outside world…got this as a Bar Mitzvah gift. 4. Slim Fast shakes – if I lost any more weight I would be shopping at Gap Anorexics however these things were great during the storm and I now keep some around for just this purpose…. 5. Pop Tarts – while they have got some crazy synthetic kinds now, these things were instant breakfast….and lunch….and dinner. Right up there for the 2 pounds of Goldfish crackers I ate (thanks for those, Erica!). 6. Manual Can Opener – DUH! Kill your electric opener, you lazy asses! 7. An amazing sense of humor and perseverance. 5 days without power with the added comfort of my leg feeling like a 18 wheeler ran it over can really try your patience. Plus you get tired of all the “gimp” jokes. Damn you Pulp Fiction! Seth’s reasons when people ask how he broke his leg: 1. I was saving little Ashley from the jaws of a shark on Palm Beach 2. I was saving little Juanita from the roof caving in during Hurricane Frances 3. Snowboarding accident in Vail where I was doing a triple lindy flip. They found me head down in 2 feet of snow and a woman named Bunny nursed me back to health in the lodge. 4. When I said I would really break my foot off in one of my friends asses, I don’t mess around. 5. Rough sex with a entourage of Jewish women….but damn it was worth it! 6. “I broke my leg playing chess” – Revenge of the Nerds II -Seth survived the hurricane though he eventually moved into his office for a little bit and then a friends apartment for another week who consequently lived on the 3rd floor. He is now on his 3rd week of the hard knock crutch lifestyle and assures you it sucks. |