| Bahamas - March 2005 |
| The Bahamas – my 30th birthday party goes international…. (pictures forthcoming) The castaways: Myself, Mencher and Married with Children Chuck. First unexplained miracle: I am still surprised Chuck’s wife let him take a trip with us! “Thar she blows…….chunks” – whatever he ate the night before made a reappearance the next morning….what a way to start our trip at 5AM. A word on Mencher: Anyone with common sense hits the ATM the night before a big trip. Mencher I think purposefully didn’t just to get me all riled up since I am a time task master. After the ATM, he cant find his wallet so I had to drive back to the ATM to see if it dropped in the parking lot. Where the wallet was: under his seat in my car. That bastard! Why we had to drive back there, part two: Chuck who was laid sideways in the back seat didn’t want to move off his ass to check under Mencher’s seat…. # of minutes we were running late: 30 “And senility sets in at 30” – I couldn’t remember if I locked my car in the parking garage at Pt Everglades. Of course, I realized this after I went through customs. Déjà vu: The Discovery was a ship we all went on 7 years ago for a night booze cruise. It looked like nothing had changed since….and that’s not a good thing. Too much time on their hands: Our wait staff put the napkins on our laps…too bad they weren’t hot mamacitas instead of Paco and Wang Chung. “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!” Breakfast: 2 omelettes, French toast…..we passed on the Bloody Mary’s which are old people drinks, no matter how hard Mencher tried to convince us otherwise. Titanic revisited: No our ship wasn’t sinking however it was jiggling like some ghetto booty. Surfs up! # of minutes after the waves before half the boat started getting sea sick: 2 “This is one doggie bag you don’t want” : # of minutes before I became reacquainted with my breakfast – I held out for about 100 minutes…. “Oh, lobstah craws” – Chuck meanwhile was holding on for life out on deck where he received substantial sunburn….to his hands only! “Who’s the big winner? Mikey is!” – Mencher won the raffle which turned out to be a crappy t-shirt and the now infamous Discovery Squeeze bottle. The first Bahamian we met was……swearing like a sailor. Our cab driver was not a happy man! At least it only cost us $5 each. Whiplash can sometimes be good: Our hotel was overrun with bikini-clad co-eds. “11 minutes” – length of time it took before I was having an all out conversation with some hotty and giving out our room number. A word on Bahamian customs: They don’t exist – I could have brought in a keg of absinthe and a crack rock boulder and it would have gotten by. No problem, mon! Drink of initial choice: Jaeger. For whatever reason at the time, we thought this would be a good choice to bring a bottle with. We did finish that one….damn you, Chuck. Drink mixer you need to try: Southern Comfort and Sprite. For all you Sprite Boys, this one is worthwhile. Must be made in mass quantity in an ugly Discovery Cruise squeeze bottle. I cant tell you much about the Sheraton Hotel at Pt Lucaya except it had a Vegas style pool set up and hundreds of co-eds everywhere…. Sisqo would be insulted: A no thong rule in the Bahamas! DAMN DAMN DAMN Eating in the Bahamas. Not known for its culinary dining, you could get conch anywhere in almost any form. And Mencher did. Weirdest word of vulgarity created by Chuck: A “conchgina” – I don’t even wanna explain. Number of Zeta’s we partied with: About 15. Number of Zeta’s Mencher and I partied with at UF: 0 MTV had some of the Real World and Road Rules cast there – I stopped watching all that crap in college however I wasn’t beyond some good photo ops with Malik or Jillian. “You’re outta here” – I got bounced from the VIP veranda where all the MTV homies were after kinda slipping over a fence. They also bounced a really hot chick with me so at least I have a pic with her. # of women I had pics taken with: About 25 # of their names I remember now: About 2.5 Theory I had proposed in college that I was reunioned with: The more I drink, the more women start looking more like super models. Say no more…. Best drink deal #1: We brought a big bottle filled with SoCo and Sprite to the Lucaya Square. Best drink deal #2: For 5 bucks, you got 2 Red Stripes and 2 shots! Best drink deal #3: The room maids gave us THREE bottles of different rums leftover from another room. One of those is now in my apartment. Driving on the opposite of the road was really unusual so we lucky for us, Mencher drove and we managed well. Only once did I think we were going to get clipped by another car. Holy potholes! About 35 miles away, the road became a pot hole dodge contest. I had to guide Mencher with words like “left, offroad, right, and the now infamous straddle technique.” If we popped a tire or broke an axel, we would have been waiting for a very long time…. Holy porn names: “The Blue Hole” – we spent almost 2 hours looking for this thing which was basically an underwater cave offshore….eventually we found it and lived to tell the tale. Skimming off the top: Our snorkel trip cost an extra $7 bucks because we booked it at the hotel. We could have walked across the street and got it direct…..skimmers! Was liquor cheaper than water? YES “But Im with the DJ” – I got bounced again from the Isle of Capri hotel since I didn’t have ID saying I was over 18!! F-that! Besides, Mencher ate all their free popcorn. “Doing the least amount of work for a tip” said Mencher– the baggage handlers at the port demanded a buck to after just putting a tag on our luggage! Scoundrels! I hope this was best phone sex ever: Mencher bought $15 dollars of phone cards at a Greek restaurant which had a whopping 28 minutes on them… Just like Club Modoc: Pre-party with free drinks 9-11PM. We got so many ZTA’s in the room one night for shots of Jaeger that one honey drank hers from our coffee pot! My kinda woman! Our last night we also just walked into random rooms and made friends. “Extreme Makeover would need a freakin’ crane”- Unexplained phenomena: Half the houses in the Bahama’s were half built and abandoned. “Yes honey, they were on good behavior” – Chuck and Mencher have will power with all those belly-pierced sun tan lotion drenched vixens of evil….i guess that comes from marriage and long term relationships. Or Sarah calling every hour! Ha! Best purchase in Bahamas: Dramamine! We were champs going home. Chuck won $50, Mencher had a meal without conch and my car was still there…….! |