Its been a long, long time and I owe this one to all of you who have been patiently waiting an actual Seth story – so here it is!

I've always said that "I never kiss and tell, just kiss." The following stories about to be retold to you involve absolutely ZERO nook. None. Nada. Not even a little "sumthin' sumthin'. With that in mind, I feel perfectly ok going into detail of these fine examples of the relationships of my life.

Seth's timeline of girlfriends, Second to Sixth Grade!

The fact that I can remember most of these stories is scary enough – If you find any patterns here, let me know – it may explain alotta things!

First love #1. It was true love from day one. How could I resist a long straight haired brunette missing one of her front teeth (the tooth fairy must have forked over a whole buck for that one!). Karen Greene, Second Grade. Yup, while my teacher, the infamous Ms. Reese (who sent me packing more times to the principals office that I actually had my own desk in his office. That mean wench for some reason liked my brother ten times more than me years later. I don’t know what her deal was – who wouldn’t want me doing a running commentary during her class? C'mon!).

Karen and I had a weird relationship – I would say most of it was two people who were attracted to each other but didn’t know what to do. No, I'm not talking about nook, ya pervs, but when youre in second grade holding hands is equivalent to nookie, at least in my day. Karen was great – she was one of the few girls who was my height since I was as tall as Mini Me. This was one of the few girls my mom ever liked. She even came to my big fun birthday party with Ronald McDonald and the rest of his misfit friends who overcharged my dad for 2 hours of playground fun.

Besides being a member of the Tribe (exhibit A), her mom liked me too. Of course just when I decide to offer her a chance to ride my training wheel bike and run around in the woods and catch poison ivy, she moves away! How horrible – maybe after all these years I'm afraid of that. I've also noticed that right before I've ever moved away, something great comes in my life then leaves (see Jennifer Hernandez story).
Interesting post script – 2 years later her mom brings her in to town to see the old school (James Feinemore Cooper elementary) and wow, she had all her teeth and she looked great. Of course things like e-mail weren't invented then – I was still drooling over Space Invaders and that circus game where you shoot the ducks at a carnival.

Longevity – The Donna Huron story: Donna was my fourth grade woman. After carrying a torch for Karen (ok, im lying – I was more concerned about winning dodgeball and 4-squares, and spending my $2 bills that I got as gifts at the candy store buying those yummy coca-cola gummy things, and don’t forget about baseball cards and organizing my "secret club" (there will be a story about this soon).)

Ok so back to Donna. She was another brunette but with short hair, dark tan, a little bit of an overbite but this woman could play a mean game of kickball. We were an item for about 4 months – which in the scheme of my life, constitutes my longest relationship. Yes, Im not F-in kiddin' either about that!

For some reason, I felt I could go for the number one Cracker Jack prize, Andrea Cilliberti. So I gave Donna the "phone shaft" (ask me someday about this), and was free to go for Andrea who was recently single after a whacko relationship with Phillip Major, the new kid in school. Honing my writing skills, I asked Andrea the big question. "Will you be my girlfriend?" and passed that note on by Mr Trower's scrupulous eyes (he was this tall lanky guy who wore suspenders , glasses, and had his hand parted down the middle – holy right wing! This is also the guy who taught us more lifestyle issues and also was the one who gave the stimulating lecture (literally), about "masterbation and you." I will never forget that lecture – it didn’t change my life then, but 4 years later it would play more of a factor.

But you don’t wanna know about Mr. Happy, or good times like that so back to Andrea. She says yes and I am deemed a demigod by my Jamz wearing Zipper zippin Roo friends. She even formalizes this by writing it in my little calendar. Undeniable proof that "Im a baaaad ass! Neeeeha!"

Authors Note: Andrea kicked me to the curb a day later for that bastard Phil again. And to her, I hope she has more crabs than Red Lobster! Nobody pink slips me – that heartless wench. But im really not bitter!

I had this thing for all the new girls as does every guy – we had this kinda cute Mexican girl (Seth is an equal opportunity employer) named Maria Gonzalez. She thought I was cute cause I had a tan and none of the other whiteys did. But she was Donna's best friend so you can be assured I was going no where there. Damn, she was even better than Donna in kick ball too.

So I sail the seas of singlism until age 12 when Jennifer Hernandez comes into my life. Jennifer must have been a good 2-3 inches taller than me, from NY, loaded (her clothes must have came from at least JC Penneys – mine from Clover and my mommy dressed me still – but I love my mom and while looking back at the pictures, I wonder what she was thinking, I still didn’t look like a little mismatched pauper.

Every guy drooled over her from day one. She was a goddess. I didn't even bother at first cause she had everyone elses attention. However this was all to change.

So we go on this weekend science camp on the other side of New Jersey. This of course was one of the best times of my life cause I was really into nature, critters, and all that stuff (well still am) plus going away with my whole class in a camp like setting was the coolest there was. I mean even cooler than the Beastie Boys first album (NOTE: Seth's idea of good music in 4th grade was the Beach Boy's "Wipeout").

It was during Halloween so we had this big costume party. We had to dress up. Now the usual Seth dress up for this holiday was always some sort of athlete. It never failed that I wore my soccer get up, hockey or baseball. The pictures of this are a hoot cause my mom always made my brother wear the stupidest shit that she could find. She always got him those 2.99 plastic costumes like CHIPS. Ok enough of that, back to Jenny.

I dress up like Mad Max – I took my dads snow tire chains and wore those around my shoulders. I honestly looked like an extra from Beyond Thunderdome. Somehow or another , I get 3rd place in the contest. Next thing I know, Jenny wrote me a note saying "I was cute – do you like me?" I was glowing. We were an item after that.

NOTE: All good things come to end here – Jenny found out I was moving to Florida so that was not good. Plus I found a note in her Trapper Keeper that said "I love Rickey" and some other guy. My first act of jealousy comes out and I wrote her note saying who are these guys?

She informs me, via a note, that Ricky was a member of Menudo and the other guy was an announcer for a game show on the Spanish channel (we just got cable in 1985). So I was jealous of a guy who turns out 15 years later to be an international bisexual rock star and some other tool from a sleazy game show. Jennifer kicked me to the curb too…….about 5 years later I found that note she wrote explaining about Menudo in the bottom of a flower pot in my garage.

And there you have it – the major loves of my elementary school days. There were some others but none like those. I hope you enjoyed this little story and laugh at yourself when you think you your elementary school puppy loves.

http://www.oocities.org/sethmatthew