| The Kansas drive to Tampa , June 2003 When you have a 21 hour drive cross country, you have more than enough time to experience the best and worst in America. So I have provided below some random facts, figures, stats, sites, quotes, and thoughts while driving home to the motherland. Be like Seth Pack your Camry with everything you own, turning it into a sedan lowrider. Be sure to have assorted objects sticking out in the back like vacuum parts, an ab roller and random sharp junk that you wonder why the hell you still kept it. Include a few small items unpacked that can fly through into your lap if you slam the brakes. Also be sure to pack a lotta glass for those sound effects when you hit a big ass pot hole in St Louis. Don't be like Seth: Don't pack that extra quart of oil from 1993 in the spare tire well in your trunk. It will leak all over the place and you will wonder where the hell the drip is coming from under your tires. You will then waste a crappy free t-shirt (compliments of Commerce Bank, Lawrence KS) doing your rendition of the Exxon Valdez. Expect multiple squirrel deaths 3 days later, but you will be gone and that's what those dumpster divers get - furry rats! Just like Oakenfold: Line up 6 hours of techno - the worlds best driving music but don't go for those After Hour compilations or "Ibiza mixes" - you may fall asleep and end up dead - like the squirrels above. Departure time: 7:45AM Cost of toll: $1.35 from the crotchety toll booth ODB Time it took to contemplate where the hell Im going: about 8:30AM after leaving Kansas City Time it took to break first traffic law (other than speeding): 8:31AM - did a 3 lane cross over - the first of about 4. First quote: "F-in MapQuest!" Last thought of Kansas City: Wish I had bought a 12 pack of Boulevard Wheat… Last thought of Boulevard beer: about an hour ago Last thought of the Boulevard brewery tour taken last Saturday: Do they ever get tired of drinking their own beer? Finally got to see….the St Louis Rams stadium (named Lambert Field - after first Beta lady Lambert) and the famous arch. Didn't see: Nelly ("Stompin in my Camry 1" ) or Brooke Burke…naked…on my bed…with a Boulevard. Unusual scenery: I don't know what it is about Missouri but I saw more skanky porn shops than any other state (excluding Wisconsin which is the porn capital in my book). Porn thought: "How do I get the trucker discount" Porn thought #2: "How do those places survive in the middle of Missouri?" Porn relevation #1: Must be doing some serious under the table business! Fishman Quote #2 in the STL: "Fukin Pothole. Nelly better bandaid that MoFo" # of times (approximate) that I dropped the "F-bomb" : about 80 # of times I normally do when Im out with "Party Crew" - about 80…in 5 minutes. F-that schiz! Disgusting woman siting number 1: This hooch at Wendys was pretty thin EXCEPT she had a midriff shirt with about 2 inches of belly hanging over. This defies the laws of repulsiveness. She did have a full set of teeth, 2 kids, and a few tatoos. I'd place her age at 17. See ya on Springer, Biz! Disgusting Seth quote: "Rapunzel Rapunzel throw down your gut" Word you should use: Heathen Word you should use but sparingly (guys only) Repulsive Questionable eating combo: dipping Wendy's fries in my Frosty. Yum yum! Supression #1: Christian County, Kentucky. What, no Hindu county? Somehow I doubt the local high schools mascot there is the Atheist. Rival highschool: "Kill 'em Pacifists!" Most common roadkill: Turtle…sorry Donnatelo. Kowabunga! # of times I thought if I wasn't packed to the roof that I would stop and help a motorist broken down: 2 # of times I thought of how screwed I was if I broke down: 21 Location of jumper cables: spare tire wheel well in trunk, completely buried. Time lost in Nashville rush hour: about 15 minutes. Time lost in detour near Chattanooga: 30 minutes Time lost holding on for dear life driving through a flash thunderstorm with no visibility winding down the moutainside: 1 hour Road sign you need to know: "6% grade decline" - this meant that the road was declining a 6 percent rate and you need to slow your ass down because your brakes are pretty much worthless until the road levels off # times I thought I was doomed during this period: 3 # of cars dodged: 9 # of truck drivers laughing at my ass: 2 # of truck drivers wanting my ass: 1 # of times I thought of Deliverance and sped up: 2 "Show me that smile!" # of times I contemplated how any man cant wreck their vehicle while driving and getting a hummer: 8 # of girls that I knew that I think would do that in a moving car: 2. Parked: About 50. # of Hummers (the CAR) I saw: 0 Time of second wind driving in Georgia: 9:00PM What I was saying to everyone I passed from 9PM-930PM: "Whats up Bizs?" # of strange looks I got: Hell if I know, it was dark! Price I paid for my hotel in Kennesaw, Georgia: $65. Initial quote: $76 Time I left in the morning to beat Atlanta traffic: 7:15AM Quote: "Thank you Map Quest!" (shortcut saved me morning traffic) Funniest talk shows: Some hip hop channel in Macon - I laughed the whole hour till I lost reception. Thing I learned on a morning show: The #1 male turnoff in women are "Gold diggers" #2 - women who ask their man if they think their fat. Fellas - avoid at all costs this conversation - youre so screwed!!! # of times I reflected on my 2 years in Kansas: 12 # of times that involved NC-17 thoughts: 4 Chick Filet anyone? - I passed by a truck that must have had over 500 chickens in cages with feathers flying out. Arrival time in Tampa: 3:30PM First thing my mom says: "Why did you bother bringing home so much crap?" Ah its good to be home! Next upcoming story: Magazines and me. Be very afraid! |