movie

One of the benefits of school being out is that I get to catch up with movies- some that I missed a decade ago, others just released. And in each flic, there’s always some moral lessons to be learned. Of course this can be up to your own interpretation- here’s what I learned from some recent screenings:

Go
General plot- drug deal goes wacky
Lesson #1: You get suppressed working in a grocery store
Lesson #2: “Tantra” is what happens when Viagra works way too well.
Lesson #3: Jewish women are buck wild (reference: hotel threesome scene)
Dating lesson #33: Stay clear from women who have a thing for drug dealers
Dating lesson #43: Seek out women who look like Katie Holmes. Yum
Overall lesson learned: Don’t be a skimmer

The Big Chill
General Plot: Friends suicide reunites 30 something’s former gang of midnight tokers.
Lesson #1: Jeff Goldblum has no game
Lesson #2: Quualudes just aren’t healthy
Dating lesson #1727: Recent Widows are big rebounds- don’t be an insensitive horny schmuck.
Dating lesson #59: Don’t carry a torch for someone you dated 15 years ago.
Dating lesson #61: Women in their early 30s are undisputed bedroom champions- start training now for the Olympic Games.
Overall lesson learned: Death can sometimes lead to lotsa nook among your mourning friends.

Gladiator
General Plot: Russell Crowe unleashes all holy terror on Roman Emperor
Lesson #1: “Its good to be king”
Lesson #2: If someone asks you to be King, say “Yes!” otherwise you will be forced into slavery with lotsa hairy men from all over the world who didn’t drop the soap back then, they dropped the axe. Ouch!
Dating lesson #36: Chicks dig Australian accents
Overall lesson learned: “Hey Joey, ever watch Gladiator movies?” - Airplane

Night at the Roxbury
General Plot: 2 rejects in flashy pants attempt to score in swanky clubs
Lesson #1: Don’t drive around in a flower delivery van
Lesson #2: Tape on the back doesn’t really work- so wax that shit, Gorilla Monsoon. PS- duct tape can be useful for other things….!
Lesson #3: Epilectic dancing with women will get you no where
Lesson #4: Even if youre a pathetic geeker, if you have $$$, you will still get nookie
Dating lesson #61: Don’t wear anything that those guys wear in the movie
Dating lesson #45: Realize now the likelihood of credit card vixens and hotty police officers.
Dating lesson #47: Don’t use this movie as your training video
Dating lesson #15: Women who work in chandelier stores are freaks in heat.
Overall lesson learned: If lame SNL guys can score, so can you.

Office Space:
General Plot: Cubicle slackass realizes you just hafta say , “What the fuck”
Sub lesson: Don’t be a skimmer (see Go!)
Lesson #1: Your job will suck and you will hate it, but there are those who really really despise it.
Lesson #2: Traffic jams are suppressionistic mind games – don’t fall victim to road rage.
Lesson #3: Be a rebel- don’t settle for routines. Stretch the rules and disassemble your office.
Lesson #4: Everyone needs to swear like a sailor party animal Indian friend.
Dating lesson #56: Frequent cheesy chain restaurants and you too can land a Jennifer Aniston!
Dating lesson #34: Don’t torment yourself with visions of ex lovers of your current- its just not healthy.
Dating lesson #35: There are real low maintenance women out there and they are keepers
Overall lesson learned: Stay away from squirrelly mumbling guys with affections for red staplers