Categories of online junkies By SM Fishman 5/00 Lets face it- you probably have chatted with people online- many whom you may have never met before. This handy reference guide will help you gain some keen insight to help you prevent bad relationships, restraining orders, and encounters with personality disorders. Enjoi and let me know if you fit in a category so I can get the restraining order paperwork ready. 1. The Abbreviator: These people like to toss around abbreviations every where online. ROTFL, A/S/L, etc. Like I’m impressed or something with their internet savvy. These people spend way too much time online and chances are they are just geekers or lazy asses. U IM me l8r? I have only one thing to say “F-them” (Mencher inspired quote) 2. The Screamers: THE IDIOTS WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS. ITS FREAKIN ANNOYING. Hello, Caps Lock. 3. The Tweeker: ThOsE wHo tHiNk tHaT tYpInG tHiS wAy Is cOoL. Chances are that firstly this person is under 17 and is some trendy ass wanna be raver baby who purchases glow sticks by the box but knows nothing about techno music except it’s a chance for them to score with the poseur punk ass wearing the stupid visor backward. (Ok, I had to vent a second. I’m done. I’m gonna listen to some Enya now and light a candle. Thanks for being such a good listener.) 4. Captain Obvious: This person is about as enjoyable to talk to as my Toyota floor mats. Sample conversation indicator: “So your profile says you live in Michigan. Is that where you are now?” (response back: “No Jackass, I’m on a deserted island stranded”)Just something about their conversation style just makes me wanna pimp slap them.These people aren’t the ones you want to sit next to on a plane. 5. Internet Wench (girls only): These are those girls who give you a real attitude if you just try to be friendly and start conversation. Chances are these girls are just hiding the fact that they are probably suffering from chronic PMS and are spoiled brats. (But I’m not bitter o r anything) 6. Forward Broadcaster: You only know these people are even alive by their bi monthly forward email about some opportunity for you to get your own GAP store if you send the forward to 56 people. 9 times out of 10, you already received that forward email 7 months ago. You just know to hit the delete button when you this persons screen name and a “FW” in the heading. 7. Lo-Jack: The Low-Jacks are those who stalk you online and just wait to see your screen name pop up. The somehow appear in the chat rooms you are in. They don’t understand that you just don’t want to talk to their freak ass. “Block is a beautiful option.” 8. Crayolas: These works of art pick the worst colors to use in their text and backgrounds. You just get annoyed looking at the screen. Many of these people are also part of the Tweakers. Not the brightest crayons in the box. 9. Sex Offenders: These aren’t hard to pick out and they don’t try to hide it either. If you get bombarded with IM’s from these clear the snorkle chronics, you may wish to double check your user profile to see if there’s something in there leading to this. Otherwise youre just a magnet for them and I pray your not setting up dates with “EnemaMan” anytime soon. 10. Clear the Snorkle: The Snorklers are less subtle than the Offenders. You can spot one if they seem to take a long as time to reply. This is because they are playing pocket pool at www.spankmymonkey.com .They ask less obvious questions as well, such as “What are you doing?” 11. CUI’s: Short for computing under the influence (of cheap ass bar beer), these are predominantly guys who come back from the bars or parties without any action and feel compelled to write girls they’ve dated (or want to) IM’s, emails, etc. These are good opportunities for you women-folk to take advantage of your toasty male friend (alcohol =truth serum)I am done this on many occasions….