Random thoughts, feelings, observations and downright shadiness from yours truly. August, 01 Last night I drove through what I swore was a tropical rainstorm. While holding on for dear life to my steering wheel, praying that a ton of walking beef doesn't wander out in the monsoon, I asked myself two things: 1) When are you gonna get some nook and 2) What have I learned since leaving Michigan that would be worth leaving behind. Here's what I came up with: 1) The world's worst Burger King (ala BK steakhaus) is in Urbana, Illinois. I could weave a silk shirt faster than I could get a BK Broiler (which really isn't chicken – I think it's armadillo) 2) The world's fastest Wendy's is in Columbia, Missouri. I got my grilled chicken combo (with Frosty , cause you just gotta dip your fries in it) in a matter of 33 seconds. Amen, Dave Thomas! 3) Illinois was one of the most boring drives in my life. I'd get more excitement out of quilt making with the Amish than this drive. If it weren't for my Summer Ibiza 01 CD, I would have suffered as much as I did at the worlds worst Burger King (Urbana, Illionois). 4) Believe the instructions you have. Otherwise you will end up in the outskirts of Chicago, lost with a map in your hand and a red target on your chest that says "mug me now and take everything I own, Leon." Whats worse is that I got stuck in Chicago traffic. So that was 30 minutes out of my life… 5) People in St Louis can't drive in the rain. Ok, so visibility was about 5 feet – but a little hydroplaning never hurt anyone! 6) St Louis people are also the biggest rubber neckers. If you blow a tire on the highway, traffic will back up 12 miles because everyone has to slow down to 2 MPH. 7) Don't drive with your wallet and a pen in your back pocket. Just don't. I'd rather watch Sgt. Bilko (one of the worst movies ever to grace the big screens) and follow that up with the extended version of Battlefield Earth than the effects of the wallet in the buttocks driving syndrome. 8) Super Target is the greatest thing on Earth. 9) Having an half furnished apartment makes you one relive their "Da-da-da" Volkswagon commercial days…and a sheet will turn any piece of junk into a funky fresh piece o' furniture. 10) I have a dishwasher and I bought a 61 load box of detergent for it. If you add up all my glasses, cups, silverware, plates, etc – I still don't have anything close to 61. I have yet to use it…and I have no silverware. 11) I realized that for the past 3 months what I thought was this cool shower gel was really a type of thick massage oil. Reading is apparently optional in my bathroom world. 12) 103 degree weather's not so bad! 13) Lawrence, Kansas, may be the tattoo capital of the world. I've never seen women covered like this before. I mean, taking off their clothes won't be as exciting if all I see is green ink. I don't wish to date the Lizard Queen. Speaking of lizards, Lord of the Rings is coming out in a few months. 14) Rush Hour 2 was better than the first one, hands down. And that chick Jackie gives a peck on the lips to at the end is blazing, I mean blazing, hot. If I had her, I wouldn't worry about my first question at the beginning of this. She's much hotter than Stifler's Mom. 15) My friends are traveling all over the world and I can't even find my way 35 minutes to Kansas City. While Mencher and Arty are in the red light district of Amsterdam, I'm waiting on this red light that takes 10 minutes to change color. And Jenkins is making a sequel to the Golden Child while I am looking for some Alyssa Milano-like Goldstein. However, I'm planning a trip of possible debauchery to Vegas, baby, Vegas, soon. 16) Norman Rockwell must have been to Lawrence – every Wednesday night this summer, an outdoor performance must have been a set-up for his paintings that you can find in the back of a Reader's Digest on a collective plate. I don’t even have 61 pieces of kitchenware. 17) Stay tuned for the "freaks of Downtown Lawrence" story. 18) "Nothing says lovin' like some nook with your…..?? (if you said "cousin" , you have more issues than Time magazine, ya sicko. But if she's hot, can drink legally in the continental US, and is suspected nymphomaniac, then send her my way! 19) I kinda miss the pre-party to party scene in Grand Rapids – however Kansas City looks like it can surely make up for it – so hopefully I'll have some good material coming forth from those adventures. Besides, Mitch (of the infamous "Let's kidnap one of the Beta's and drive our car through the Breezeway of campus at FAU in the middle night") lives 1 ˝ hours away so there surely should be some stories coming soon. http://www.oocities.org/sethmatthew "If you wish to be taken off this mailing list (and, consequently, any others) place a metal fork in your toaster a few times." |