Welcome to my *FUN* page :)
note: this jokes are either received by email or through messageboards
What Do You Get When You've Got:
1. Too much time on your hands,
2. A sharp knife
3. A green grapefruit
4. A very patient cat, and
5. A camera..?!!
ONLY THE BEST CHURCH
BULLETIN BLOOPERS.........
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &
FASTING
Conference: 'The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
conference includes meals.'
3. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The
sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM
in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. 'Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
your husbands.'
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled
due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and
community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'hell' to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Randy's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
5. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing 'Break Forth into Joy.'
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal
feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
diseased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication
to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.
33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
'What does
love
mean?'
*****
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8-year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think...
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all
the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca - age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is what's in the room with you a Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 5
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend whom you hate.'
Nikka - age 6
'There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God
makes both of them.'
Jenny - age 4
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
every day.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 5
'Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine - age 5
'Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he
is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 8
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks
on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I
love her.'
Bethany - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.'
Karen - age 7
'Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think
it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
The strangest thing happened to me at lunch yesterday. I was
sitting at
the Cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat down at my
table..... I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at
my table and wouldn't leave me alone. I slowly moved a ring from my
right hand to my ring finger on my left hand, then placed my hand on the
table so that it looked as though I was married and also hinted to them
that I was not interested in them. Luckily for me they got the hint and
left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera.
I'm sending you
this picture as a warning.............. just in case
they try and pick you up too.
Honestly, some men think they are God's gift to women!
EVER WONDERED ...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
What Tree Did You Fall From?
Find your birthday and then find your tree.
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 02 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree
Your Tree (in alphabetical
order)
Apple Tree (the Love) - quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and
attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal
in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous,
many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree Ambition) - extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
Beech Tree (the Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (the inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (the Confidence) - of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes
unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on
others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to
impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the
one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (the Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed
sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated
easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior,
feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love,
physically fit.
Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what
life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates
loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick tempered
at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be
needed.
Elm Tree (the Noble mindedness) -pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest
demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey,
honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble minded,
generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (the Sensibility) - very strong minded, a bit self willed, honest,
loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, loves life and friends,
enjoys children and animals, a social butterfly, great sense of humor, likes
idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, has artistic talent
and great intelligence.
Fir Tree (the Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, handles stress poorly, loves
anything beautiful, can become depressed at times, stubborn, tends to care for
those close to them as well as helping strangers, rather modest, hard worker,
talented, unselfish, few sexual relationships, many friends, doesn't want foes,
very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) - charming, sense of humor, very demanding
but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression,
active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually
oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects
complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks and
condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible,
leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment
in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its
feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very
conscientious.
Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes
out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates
fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually
soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends,
has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a
complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) - no ordinary person, full of imagination
and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self confident, hungers for
new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns
easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (the Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.
Olive Tree (the Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable,
balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well
developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to
read and the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (the Peacemaker) - loves agreeable company, craves peace and
harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not
fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but
will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs
affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, talented, not very
self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature,
good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation,
takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without
egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (the Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often
egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous,
unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always
liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no
compromise.
Weeping Willow (the Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
Rules for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ALZHEIMERS' TEST
Count the "F's" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
.... 3? ...4?WRONG, THERE ARE 6 !!-- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is
a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
.It will drive them crazy.! And keep them
occupied
for several minutes..!
A Mother
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal afteryou've had a baby ..Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ...
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring ..
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn outgood"...
Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices .
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ...
Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first ...
Somebody doesn't have five children.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing
questions in books ...Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery
...Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back .
Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...
Somebody never had grandchildren!
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell
her...Somebody isn't a mother.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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