29th March 2004, Monday...PART TWO

after a long walk to the tailor's down in potong pasir to get my skirts altered...i have come to the conclusion that i was too harsh. he meant it in a positive way, by referring to the not-so-dark side of reality, and was encouraging us to fight to stay together. thank you, sorry.really. i am still annoyed, but at least u meant well. hai. i sigh too much. perhaps i overreacted...maybe i wasn't taking it the right way. hai. hai hai hai. did i? i always knew i was emotional, but...hai. so embarrassing.

will only be able to get my skirts tmr, at six or so. hai. TWENTY EIGHT DOLLARS. and how much did angie pay for hers? TWELVE. not fair.hai.

29th March 2004, Monday

eff. eff eff eff. if it weren't for the fact that he was my ogl, if it weren't for the fact that we are separating and i'd like to leave things on a positive note, if it weren't for the fact that everyone'd be affected by it, i should like to write a blisteringly acidic entry and post it on the class blog. Thank his lucky stars the other he tactfully,diplomatically rephrased he no.1's entry or i would have exploded and lashed out immediately. if your intention was not to sound cold and insensitive, my apologies- the earthshaking truth is you DID.

it's not that we don't realise the truth of what he said, it's because we realise it that we are saying it. pardon us for relieving our emotional burdens, pardon us because we feel and you don't. after spilling, one feels better, one moves on. stronger. i'm extremely sorry some people don't seem to realise that. forgive us for taking the first step towards using your advice before you dispensed it. i beg your mercy for being childish; not realising how awfully cold the outside world is though we just sat through hours of mind blowing gp lessons and parents' lectures on the Big Bad World. I am trully appalled at my own naivete, overidealism and dutch courage in expressing my deepest emotions to people whom i love. i have wasted my time!!!

then again maybe it's you who can't see the cruelty of the "outside world". reality sucks: so what if you fight, struggle tooth and nail to keep in touch. it doesn't mean shit, that's life. you can pawn your soul to the devil and it doesn't mean you can keep close to them. drifting is inevitable. i repeat, inevitable. maybe that makes moaning pointless. or do you not understand it? What is idealistic and foolish and naive, is thinking that everything will stay the same because you make the effort to keep it the same. then what is the point of moping if you know everything will turn out like that? what is the point of friendships, all of which will die to some extent eventually? i don't know. and THAT's the real bleakness of the reality we face. everything will die. just as how everyone must die, we must lose someone during our lives, we do not just simply throw him into a hole in the ground because "aiyah, everyone will die". we give him a ceremony and announce to the world that i knew this person, he made a difference in my life. we give him flowers, prayers and cremation, tears because they mattered. and the same applies here. therefore, if i want to spend my time lamenting about the inevitable sorrows of life, let me because i am respecting the people involved. plus, the class blog is everybody's and not just yours.we are being realistic, which is why we have all split up. because we know that we have to follow our own interests as well. if we were all as stupid as you seem to think we are, we would've all gone for the same combi, stayed together and everyone would be singing "happy happy joy joy" over and over again. for downing comfort food after being stuffed with bittergourd and coffee we are accused of being incapable of moving on. hai.

oh my! i'm sorry, perhaps i AM making a mountain out of a molehill. how i have digressed. right. you meant well, i can see, which is why this has not gone to the class blog. but please...consider what u are writing before your write. u tell us to look at reality, then contradict yourself. think about it. maybe by some chance you'll see this and get really pissed. i have to express. rather than throwing this in your face and in full view of 04a1 i have decided to let this lie here. i thought initially of posting a diluted version on the class blog. i don't think i will.

28th March 2004, Sunday

gone gone gone. well, i felt worst this morning. in church. it hurt. ouch. we're all separated. "but at least we can still see each other in school." that doesn't help lor...BIG OUCH.

25th March 2004, Thursday

sigh. came back extra early to accompany my dear mother who will be leaving tmr to visit her sis in australia, and she gets back about four hours after i do. wow. -.-" and i try to show her the uniform, she starts saying it's ridiculous and i shouldn't be stupid just cos everyone folds the skirt doesn't mean i have to. does it not occur to her that waist circumferences will be directly proportional to skirt length? and that i'd have to fold it eitherway. was considering getting a smaller blouse but apparently the current one is too small. hai.

school has begun. urgh. lessons, and mass migrations. i will be going for my first cmaths lecture tomorrow and suddenly i'm regretting taking it up. saying "i am going to take cmaths" and seriously going for the silly lesson are two very different things.-.-" prolly won't know what's going on. shall sit and stare at the tchr. can't wait for saturday~

+ +JOANNA + +
+ + JONATHAN + +
+ + SU LYN + +
+ + YI XUAN + +
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