23sept04,thursday -- FFuFuFu

embrace me into the Honours Rolls - for Losers. hahaha. if i seem somewhat more pessimistic than usual in recent entries, please forgive me. think it has something to do with all the muggers in school, the upcoming promos and cos it's night. i get more easily agitated in the morning and at night. if you have bad news, tell me at noon.

people around are getting more and more annoying. they should all be shot. BANG! i hate being pressure cooked. it's probably the only way to get me to do work. ah well. i think i'm getting too pessimistic for my liking. sometimes i KNOW i'm getting grumpy and i just continue sulking anyway. urgh. gonna go sleep tonight and slack tomorrow. ja, mata ne.

22sept04,wednesday -- Updating For *You*

very angry at parents. silliest people i've ever known. i exaggerate. urgh.

i told my mother i needed her to write a letter for me to be allowed to drop maths. and she says she doesn't know how to write, i write for her then she'll sign. so lazy. like she's never written letters to teacher before. tsk. so annoyed. then never mind. my father stomps into my room and goes "WHY YOU WANT TO DROP MATHS?" at my sister. when he's corrected himself i answer him "i don't need four subjects, i already do lit, history and econs." he shakes his head as he retreats from my domain, and says "how to get anywhere in life like that? don't be a quitter..." i suspect he has already surrendered, gathering that i am sitting in his room typing away while he contents himself reading some funny thing. which just really shows he doesn't know me, doesn't know what i do how i feel. nothing new really, just a bit sad if you think about it in a detached way. because up close i'm not sure i feel anything at all. hmm.

i wanted to go sleep, because i was feeling tired. went to the boys' room to get the letter written so i could crash. mother was most impatiently teaching joshua chinese, snapping at him all the way. how to be teacher like that right? even if they teach u all that stupid crap about cognitive development and special needs at school, if you don't have it in you to be sensitive and patient please do the world a favour and NOT be a teacher. we don't need more half-baked educators inculcating a hate for mandarin and learning in the young today lah. after i got the written consent from her (having to dictate that 'tedious' three lines, i'm sure) i backed out of the room. closing the door i heard her explode at the boys, " yah lah! you all always taking the easy way out! everything also give up!" i think it was in obvious reference to my math dropping, because i heard joanathan angrily, idignantly exclaim "what LAAAAH!!!" ha.ha.ha. and she was the one who pretended to be all understanding, "only you can decide if you can cope". thanks for the support.

you know when parents say horrible things like "always taking the easy way out" "no future", it never fails to make me want to prove them right. there's a certain sweet, vindicative feeling about doing so. plus, it would be so much easier than struggling through the a levels. i could quit school and work and macdonald's!(or something!) See, the best way to hurt them is to hurt myself, and i think i'm evil, vengeful enough to hurt myself just to get back at them. no, i don't succumb to those dark urges but they get awfully tempting. X| but i wouldn't be happy. thank goodness for self control and brain cells. :D

on a lighter, happier note i completed two and a half of kellet's rubbish lecture notes today! and one and a half acts of the importance of being earnest. brainless reading tho. :( hehehe. and i witnessed first hand ginny's gruesome violence on her poor boyfriend. tsk. i recommended him taking shelter at the spca, but somehow i don't think he liked the idea very much. funny. and funny, as in hilarious. that's all i have to report for now. shall flounce off to read other ppl's blogs. whee

am back. feel like posting random rubbish. heeh heeh heeh. if i could have more thank one msn nick this'll all be up there:
Unload fonts. Extra fonts that you don't need are loaded during start up. This could slow down the start-up time. [got it from computer times, just beside me. dunno. think is funny. in a WTH-!@#$% kinda way. hah.]
there is no way to pardon you this time
away with you
twelve thousand itsy bitsies
don't be stupid.

ok done. last bit of the day:studying is for more than good grades and material benefits. it's also become an identity factor. an esteem booster or crusher.

17sept04,friday -- Jack Wants Her Linkin Park

Spent like an hour+ ASKING people how to do three basic trigo math questions. it was time to ask myself whether it was worth it. was doing so when i walked back to the classroomwhere ginny and angie were studying. and they questioned it too. the advice that followed the questioning was identical to the advice alson gave like one, two weeks ago? good, sensible, practical advice only was too idealistic, refusing to give in to reality

i've never been good at maths, and it's widely acknowledged. i don't know, if these are excuses or the truth. I don't know if i'm running away, saving time or giving up without a fight, or not putting in effort. are these the same? i'm so undecided, i think that's why i've been clinging on to maths despite the subconcious knowledge that i'm going to have to drop it sooner or later. at first i think it was the 'prestige', then my pride that made me hang on. now it doesn't make sense. then there's the conflicting advice. my parents say "don't give up so easily". then i tell them about questioning if the efforts are worth it they go "i told you what! if you can't cope, just drop it." yeah thanks a bunch. so helpful. they're so fucking useless and i think i'm just as fucking useless. heredity, ha. i finally put in effort and it's too late. i'm an idiot. go away. people will go "no, don't give up". this might come from all those who can do maths, who cannot possibly imagine anyone dropping something that IS doable to them. like how i might go "no, don't do it" to those who want to drop lit. it's just like how meixi (she got six points) and charlotte (who did better in science all the time) went "NOOO" when i said i dropped chem. actually i don't mind being a loser, i just mind failing. i don't mean >25/50. i mean failing. to overcome and prove something to myself and to others. it's all vanity, it's all about my self esteem. but who am i kidding? i never was good enough and i knew it. this coincides so coincidentally with what jo and i were talking about the other day- about not knowing where to go, who we are, what we're doing, and how there's always someone better. feel like i'm a jack of all trades, master of none. i can do amaths, i can do lit, i can do bio. i can't do any of the above very well. neither am i athletic. it's scares me and it's unfair that some people have all of them. people say "whoever said life's fair?" or "life was never fair", and i feel like slapping them. i don't like the implication of it - life's not fair. you're on the losing end. but since life's not fair, don't complain. you can't change it anyway. I tell you, if i ever say that to any one of you, i give you permission to slap ME.

please do not give me grief over this entry. i'll be un-unhappy tomorrow and after this hopefully. i just need my linkin park. (thank God for alastair)

17sept04,friday -- 12:13pm,At Home

at home so shiok. don't feel like going back to school. *whines* fine. pw needs me. blaaaah.

16sept04,thursday -- Father

you have no people skills whatsoever. even when you don't mean to hurt you do, with that terrible tone of voice. if you don't want me doing projects till 1am don't put the computer in your room. is that logic really so difficult. i am growing. i have changing needs. one of these includes being able to stay up late and do my work because i have to and it's what people do. STAY UP LATE TO RUSH WORK. HMMMPH.

i've not been barred from history exams. yay. but everyone else around me is upset. which upsets me. bad week, people. take heart. love you lolly. :)

15sept04,wednesday -- The Chauvinist Prick

i HATE him. remember that history term paper? it's come back to get me now. i have to pass it up tomorrow or not ca grades. which actually is okay. i skipped one tutorial lesson and he wants to bar me from the history exam. angryangryangry. 12$%*(^$#%!@%#$^%^*%@% okay. he saw me running away, literally, from him. cos we were all going up the stairs my destination being the library and met him on the way. well i just heard his voice and i turned tail. fazli tried to cover for me, but obviously it didn't work. !@$%^&#$@%%&&*@!

yisheng wants to use the computer. i shall bugger off.

14sept04,tuesday -- blahblahblaaah

all hail joanna koh tze yan, creator of this beautiful layout! who finally came up with the name of the blog (2 feet underwater) after we brainstormed and tossed ideas about for 2 minutes. *strikes the Hail Hitler pose* below is original pic. :)

also, must thank LOLLY for recommending getty images where i got the pic from in the first place. *Hail Hitler pose no.2* =D

on a more serious note. i haven't completed tcp's hist tutorials and i feel like sleeping. have been overeating. >.< lucky tmr's pe is half an hour longer than usual. hopefully can work off all the blubber. :D fat hope ah! hahahaha.

emily and kelly are going to CAMBODIA with us drummers!!! ^___^ soo happy!! suffer! suffer! suffer!!! >D

lastly, before i go and attempt tcp's hw. siew tee, think i know what you mean. think i've betrayed myself. we must talk about this sometime soon. :)