27December04, monday -- Even If I Have Nothing To Say To You, I Still Want To Talk To You

this is dedicated to my friends.

came online with so much to say but it's all flown out my head now. GAH.

the holidays are making me feel lonely, and horrible as this may sound to some of you, i'm actually pining for school. Lately everyone's been out or away, plans are not coming to fruition. Really frustrating shit. maybe i'm just tired, but everyone seems to be moving further and further away from me it's all quite pissifying. I'm not sure who to connect to anymore. It's a sad state of affairs on this side of the island. Not to mention the gigantic Asian tragedy that's just unfolded at our doorstep. or is it doorsteps. hmmmm. english is dying. Point is, i'm not blaming anyone for not being able to meet up. That's just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm beginning to not like the cookie. Raphael is coming out. (that's my gothic alter ego, in case you all don't know.)

two nights ago i was lying in bed when Parvanethu rang in my head and i was doing some mental dancing. then it was vanchi patt, or boat song. okay only ginny will know what i'm talking about here. sigh. it's the best thing that happened on our trip, learning the keralan dance and songs. everyone in kerala knows vanchi patt. they were impressed we knew it *beams*. think we might screw up the presentation though. >_< oh incidentally i think ocip has taught me to survive on 6 hours of sleep. i couldn't before, BY THE WAY. stop smirking, smug little asses.

as a parting message, the folks are chasing me away see, i'd like to say that sometimes i don't know what is best for me. If i ask you for the truth it does not necessarily mean i know it'll work out once i get the truth. That demand was probably made out of accumulated frustration. This is a warning. Same applies for every other thing i ask for. feel free to turn down my request, though this must be accompanied with a reasonable explanation. seriously i put up with a lot of crap, as long as you are nice and make sense. great. i feel stupid. don't i have "ABUSE ME" written all over my forehead now?

P.S I've put up my wishlist over on the left. it's a permanant feature now. ^^

21December04, tuesday -- Home Again :)

I know this comes as an unpleasant surprise to some of you but i'm BAAACK. :D really nice to meet up with people again. Was moved when sitting in my inbox i saw yeeli and sam's messages asking if i was back yet. India's been a ride, to say the least, and i think overall a rather bumpy and unhappy one. So hooray to singapore!

been staying at my EE's place cos the family hasn't gotten back from australia yet. they'll be arriving tonight, in the wee hours so i've been told i probably won't get to meet them at the airport. EE and Uncle A've been pampering me quite a bit. EE brewed chrystanthemum tea for me when she heard i had a sore throat. so as much as i hate the thing i drank it. she bought shampoo for me, they didn't put a curfew on my outings, and she and uncle a kept smsing that night asking if i wanted a lift home and if it gets to late take a cab back they'd pay for it, be careful, take care. Bought me a zara shirt too. =X i guess it's really naggy and mother henning but i didn't mind. At that time was feeling pretty sour and down about coming back with no one in singapore. it's quite an empty feeling really. family in australia, denise in india (hahaha, i know), not getting to see siew tee until school reopens, not heard from charlotte. a bit of an overdose of missing people. so when they were so concerned it really made me feel better, loads.

apparently kim and juliana are back in singapore, listen to me sam. met cpy while in school today to meet yeeli and kc. haven't heard from kim koh jun li that bugger. soon she'll be off to down under again and we'll have to wait another how many more months to meet up again. if we ever do. tsktsk. well anyway. here's a list of people whom i DIE DIE must meet before school starts again. if you're on the list SIT UP AND PAAAAY ATTENTIOOON.
the list is in no order, and if you don't see your name on it it means i've seen you already or we've confirmed an outing. these above are the people i see less of that i'd like to make a point to see.

right. now onto serious matters. since christmas and my birthday are looming over the not-so-distant horizon, i've decided to put my wishlist here like every other thick skinned one of you. There are rules to my wishlist however, do take note.
1. total value of gift should not exceed S$10 per person (i know i'm nice)
2. you may present the gift in voucher or actual form.
3. unless you are SURE you know me very well and know what i want very well, please stick closely to the list when thinking of what to buy for me. otherwise i'll be wasting a present receiving opportunity on silly knick knacks that collect dust.
thank you. i hope i have not intimidated any of you lily livered cowards out of getting presents for me. *beams*

1. robbie william's greatest hits
2. shrek 2 OST
3. Prozac Nation
4. to -watch- supersize me
5. to -watch- fahrenheit 911
6. cowboy beebop/full metal alchemist/ONE PIECE anime
7. earphones
8. to -watch- dogville (paul bettany! AAAAAHH!)
9. CD player for the room
10. digicam
11. jeans
12. beltSSS
13. a bag

k some aren't very detailed because i haven't actually seen something i want. i just know that i need & want them. no point drooling my way around the shopping centre is there? okay if and when i go to anywhere i'll make a list to help all you generous souls who want to give poor old hannah presents along. :) aren't i sweet?

that's it for today. koh, OUT! :D

1_December04, wednesday -- Sayonara

Goodbye people. i love you, take care. please feel free to sms my handphone that i'm leaving in singapore so i have something interesting to read when i get back. >_< pray for the soul of this city slicker. PLEASE.

30November04, tuesday -- Thank You TK.

Alright. I've never liked admitting it but as of late it has been staring at me in the face and i can find no way out of my confession. Okay this is a little hard to phrase.

I'm just done some blog hopping, going from Nadia & Sowmya's shared blog to Hana's, Shanta's, Tiara's. They are such TK girls. I am such a TK girl. We write proper, and in some cases, above average english. I don't know how to say it but it is just what i expect of a TKGian. Needless to say there were/are plenty of those cheenas who didn't/don't, but the tk i know (bothered to know anyway) are inspiring in their command of english, and rich in personality. They don't have to be spectacular and cheem the way denise is, but the humour, the joy they take in life and living, woven into their accounts of daily life makes me quite happy to know that i come from the same place that these people do. These people are rational, logical, eloquent, polished , funny. As much as i detested the earlier years of secondary school i cannot deny how much i've been influenced, moulded into what i am now. I am grateful for that, because it's differientiated me from others in ways fine and subtle, that in the end matters so much to me.

It didn't really hit me hard until last night when i was packing my suitcase and i decided to bring along an old tk pe shirt. In a sudden moment of enlightenment, i realised that people were going to register me as a tk girl. And that is what i am. I have never felt like a tkgian until i came to jc, and never so much so as last night in that single instant. and when i think that tk has given me three beautiful best friends, dorothy, denise and charlotte, i am satisfied being tkgian, green uniform and all. while i will never stoop to being a member of the alumni, i can safely say that i do not hate tkgs. there's some thin appreciation for my alma mater, but the tk bashing will probably continue. don't expect so much from me. HAHAHAHA.

ok ok enough. man, i think i like this entry. it's such a character defining moment. Been having a whole lot of them lately and it's making me worried. With the definition of character comes blind spots. Been feeling rather blind too, so must remind self to stay on my toes. :D i am happy.

P.S i find the lack of eyecandy on singapore's public transport systems rather disturbing.

P.P. S saw boy george's staying-alive ad on mtv, which is basically stars against aids, and they flashed this really gorgeous (no pun intended) pic of him. now, i think boy george is a freak but i like how androgynous he looks here. heehee. ^_~

28November04, sunday -- Tra-la-la and All Things Happy


today has been a good day. this week has been a good week. i'm going to be disgusting in this entry i don't care. i got my period last thursday and i'm flying off this thursday. God's been really nice to me! this morning i woke up and my mother was sitting on my bed, beaming down at me. "Congratulations," she said and i stared blankly at her. "You can apply for the edusave merit bursary." which made me very happy. its just an application, no guarantee but YIPPEE! if i get it its $300, which'll cover the trip, hehehe. it also means i am the top 25% of the people from "modest backgrounds". don't think it's a good way to judge your standards but i don't care! i need a bit of cheer in my life and since it's come waltzing down my way who am i to chase it away, eh? do i donated 2.50 to church for flowers today. kinda cheapo. i promise i will dress up and do something better when i get back. >_< I PROMISE.

went to raffles city with EE, porpor, auntie jo, mum, the cousins, joanna and joshua. yeah, quite a crowd. bought two new sportsbra, underwear and a book!!! The joy i get from satisfying my material needs increases proportionately with age. hehehe. we went to marks and spencer to get biscuits, looked at cute boy legs and browsed in the body shop. shopping hasn't felt so good in a long time. maybe its cos i had the ATM with me lah. my mother gave me half my christmas present in advance - ten dolars to buy a book. Was torn between the rape of nanking and prozac nation, but eventually the rape of nanking won out. maybe i'll bring it to india. hehehe. by the way, i have decided i am NOT going to die there, there are too many things back here to live for. the silly bursary rubbish was intended to motivate students to perform better academically. i think it's working. i wanna go out with the secondary school people, the primary school people, the jc people. i wanna watch friends with my parents and naruto with my sibs. hah! if i can't survive india, social situation and all, i'm a bigger sod than i ever thought. because this is probably my last entry before i fly off, i want to say i love all of you, take care and think A LOT about me. :) i'll bring u back something. if i remember you. XD

maybe today's good luck is thanks to last night. i had a strange dream. about walking around...dunno. then my mother was there. and i dreamt she was thinking about her father. at that exact moment stuff fell on me. Yes, you heard right. my shelves are just behind my bed, so everything is stacked upwards. things , once in a very long while drop on me. the last incident was maybe last year? The thing is, stuff dropped on me at THAT exact moment, when my dream was faintly associated with my grandfather. In case you do not know my maternal grandfather is a very scary man. My mother dreams of him without fail every single year, during the Hungry Ghost Festival. eeeek. there are other creepy stories but i'm not going to tell them here, i'd freak myself out. eeek. anyway, ended up very freaked. was the middle of the night somemore so i kicked all my stuff to the floor, shut my eyes tight and curled up pathetically with my blanket over my head praying i wouldn't see anything i didn't want to see. i didn't, so everything ends well. HAHAHAHA. but still. the possibility is there, is it not?

tomorrow i'll begin packing. think i'm gonna be dragging a baby elephant's weight in luggage to the airport. suddenly am very excited. can't wait to go. cannot believe a week back i was quite dreading it. will think of all of you. will end here. take care, all! :D

24November04, wednesday -- Saved

I was so near breaking point, but you reminded me who i was, where i come from and there has been no more precious gift than that. With your hands you caught the shreds of my heart and tenderly sewed them together, healing it with your gentle touch. You reminded me what it is to be accepted, to be loved; you reminded me what a true friend is. Can't do without you.Thank you.

20November04, saturday -- Welcome To My Life

I don't like simple plan's welcome to my life. firstly, i have never liked simple plan. not from the time charlotte lent me her simple plan cd. i don't naturally go wild over music, but most music tends to grow on me after a while. simple plan my system totally rejected. secondly, i don't like welcome to my life. and now i don't think i like perfect anymore either. both have the allure of self pity and it is so easy to fall into that pit (no pun intended). its not that i'm extraordinarily inhuman and i don't feel whatever the hell they are whining about. its just i don't like to -sing- about it. furthermore the line "no you don't know what its like" pisses me off majorly. i'm not arrogant and self centred enough to proclaim that no one else has suffered before. tsk.

i fell asleep watching a show on mexican food around nine last night, and wearily dragged my body to my room after waking up half an hour later. then i slept, my sleep broken only by joanna's noisy phone conversation with her friend on and off, until this morning. i was having a very good, happy dream about a faceless guy with a very good body (XD) then my mother wakes me up and asks me if i'd like to attend joshua's graduation concert with her. i agreed, then fell asleep again. this time i dreamt we weren't allowed in cos u had to go in threes, one of those silly buy two get one free deals. my mother woke me up again and said joshua had to be in haig road by 11, and it was already 10:10, so WAKE UP. after bathing and changing into pants and shirt she informs me no, joshua has to be in -school- by 11. his school, for your information, is ten minutes away. -____- + so here i am online!

this morning i discovered what was wrong with my contact lenses. they're not blurry and my degree has definitely not risen. i just, somewhere along the line, mixed up my right lens with my left lens. so i couldn't see anything. was squinting at everything since the end of october. SHEESH. joanna's gonna call me a loser and joanathan will point and laugh, very deliberately "HA-HA-HA". bloody hell. >_<

jo's done with her Os. so i expect her not to be around for a few days. well done. welcome to the Other Side with the rest of us! exams are this society's rites of initiation, those growing up rituals i tell you. so tragic.

18November04, thursday -- Bloody Hell

The weather is hot, i have nothing to do, and i am in camp with about 30 other people i'm not familiar with. And most of you would know what unfamiliar people do to me. Its OCIP camp, and too long a period has been allocated to the little amount of activities we have. The day is marked by only the three meals. Its not that i can't live without my handphone, its just that the blank spans of idleness is killing me especially after two weeks of consecutive outings. Sigh, i want to go home.

reading back on my entry i realise i have lost something in my writing. i know what but i'm not saying. jinx ah.

14November04, sunday -- I Love This Article.

got this off the last page of eight days, think its funny. I like number five and number 9. hehe.

What to say when people ask you "Why aren't you MARRIED yet?"

1. Because it'll take the spontaneity out of dating.
2. Why aren't you thin yet?
3. Because it's not legal in Singapore at this moment.
4. You proposing, ah?
5. I'm still looking for that special someone who won't report me to the police.
6. I'm waiting for your daughter to turn 18 first.
7. My mail order bride norchat come.
8. Because human-computer marriages are still not recognized.
9. I'm waiting for you to die so I can marry your husband.
10. I'm getting married in May..."May" the day never come.
11. I haven't found the right sheep.
12. What? And spoil my great sex life?

10November04, wednesday -- Misanthrope in Training

i am constantly surrounded by extreme people. very happy people, and very sad people. So usually i remain apathetic to balance things out. but lately negativity has contaminated me, and i am succumbing to the Dark Side. it does not help tt my brother hates me, my sister is mean to me, my father is spoiling the brat, the brat is a brat and my mother won't give me money. hahaha. now u see the problem. charlotte will not come out, i have to wait for money because i am poor. okay. i have lousy financial planning. i will have to marry a financial planner just so i don't have to pay him to manage my money, if any, in future. what a sad sod i am.

naaah, maybe its just the DRUM. tsk.

9_November04, tuesday -- ...

yesterday was ocip thingy. it didn't go too bad i suppose. got work to do. supposed to look up kerela, for the information booklet. I GOT THE LIT S PAPER. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. suddenly there's so much to do and i feel hard pressed for time. the 50k word thing, japanese, manga, anime, the plays, books, blog, try my hand at everything. *grits teeths* oh the pain of being young. i think i am getting sick of blogging and will go on hiatus very, very soon. sigh.

i wish i were stupider. simple, uncomplicated. i am selfish and selfcentred, hypocritical and whiny, cold and mean, antisocial and black faced, petty and sulky. sigh. a lot of things i've done i wanna undo. i don't so often lapse (furthermore publicly) into bouts of angsty thingies. recent thing. for all the hate and anger i've been dealing out these 17 years, i think they're catching up to me. i feel like i'm a gazillion years old.

I can't be who you want me to be. I'm not who you think i am, its just that we don't click. When we don't click i can't let you in. It saddens me that as much as i don't let you in, you don't lure out that side of me and it is more sad more than it is hurting. If you fall into the stereotype don't ask me to change. see that it is only a small minority that does, and you are one of them. I love you no less, no indeed i have loved you to all there is to love. This is suffocating me. this is repressing me.

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