07April2005, Thursday -- Cold Moons

yesyes, so i screwed up my blocktests, and my overactive conscience + Mean Little Voices are gnawing at my mind. But who cares. Rocket Mania has just declared I am a

Virtuose Pyrotechnist!

I always suspected that there was more to me than met the eye. *smug*

29March2005, Tuesday -- Getting Up

i really, really like this poet and poem. inspiring.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

--Maya Angelou

25March2005, Good Friday -- But Nothing Good Down Here

Am in a snarly bad mood right about now, think it got carried over from yesterday. If I were lord of a castle I'd be striding through the draughty corridors with my robes billowing behind me, the chambermaids scurrying to get out of my way. ROAARRR.

which is close to exactly how i felt after lit yesterday, except then there would've been thunder and lightning. Totally screwed up PC. It's not that there wasn't things to write about the passage, but the points came out all muddled and i think i was travelling in circles. !@@#$%%&&(%#!((%#$!^^ okay.

then pre u sem. sometimes i think vanity rather than a desire for exposure made me sign up. with the both of them in one day it always calls for a Stupid+Depressed Period. and then i wanted to finally get jeans. but NO the cutting and colour sucked. so no jeans. upsetting, innit. then after dinner mother was grumpy, stomped off to church and back again to demand i get off the computer. WTH. parents are such crap figures to look up to, religion-wise. oh but seriously except for leelee sobieski's Joan of Arc, no one has been a good one. Hur. And now they're nagging me to go get changed and eat bleah bleah so we can rush off to church and fight for a place to sit with the rest of Holy Cross' Kiasu Population. Have more than one mass lah!

Good things: chomp chomp with yeeli last night, and she made me a layout!!! ^_^ thank you! i'll probably put it up tonight. keep your eyes peeled, people.

Am so tempted to smash crockery. *_* ooooooh. haha, okay i won't. probably what makes me an average, "grown-up" person, eh. We all get (don't you?) urges like that, and the only difference between people like me and people who are not like me (this feels directly related to lit pc, somehow. hmmm. the definite me and the people who are...NOT), is restraint or something. i dunno. Stupid Period. Period being length of time, btw.

ah but you know what. I'm gonna get out of this, get over it, don't worry. That's the only way forward. I should buy a battering ram, might come in handy. or an mp3 player for myself. sure. and the sky rains money down on us.

23March05, Wednessday Part 2 -- Yesterday Was World Water Day, did you know?

Did you know, that 22nd March was World Water Day?
Did you know, that Brunei has the highest water consumption rate in ASEAN? That's 450 litres a day per person. Compared to Malaysia, where the figure stands at 200 litres and Singapore's 168. And the government nags us so. Tsk.

This years J1s are UNBEARABLY enthusiastic. But they'll get further because of that, i should think.

23March05, Wednessday -- Random Thoughts of a Girl Cramping (read in pain)

I think I might die. Okay I suspect it's a diluted version of what other people get but it still. Didn't use to get them so often urgh. Anyway, when you suspect you might be floating down the Yellow Spring thing with the Grim Reaper as tour guide sometime in the not-so-distant future, you start to examine your life.

Generally, I have come to a few conclusions:
1. My life is emptier than a black hole, feeding off my physical energy without ever spitting out anything in return. I need to find a proper direction. I guess it's not that i don't have interests. Just that I've never devoted enough energy into deepening, cultivating them. You might argue that if I really loved them that much -they- would drive me, but then I'd say how you don't know me and my chronic laziness that affects everything that is not compulsory.
2. That I've spent too long living under the shadow of what -other- people consider good and perfect. When i should really be formulating my own vision and goals etc.
3. I also realised that I have always interpreted being "grown up" in two distinct ways: one, that it is to be physically aged. (have not come to terms with this yet, is very tragic) two, that it should mean a death of fear, pain, and also the trivial little things that make me happy. Okay, only lolly might understand the thing about bernard. U remember him, dear girl? you jolly well better. Yes, he's a perfect example of...dunno what exactly but the point is it was small and silly and brought a lot of joy. =/ but growing up shouldn't be about that, should it. No growing up should be...embracing the realities of the world that threaten to crush these joys, without letting them crush them. Is more difficult than it sounds, i assure you.

Okay, there are a lot of you out there who will respond to these very belated epiphanies with a digusted "duuhhhhhh" look/exclamation, or shake your head and go "yes, that's what i realised five years ago. where were YOU?" or come and say in that utterly paternal and therefore patronising way "yes, i'm glad you've seen the light. good that you've learnt to grow up and take things in your stride." Save all your responses and take leave of here, don't need it right now. Not depressed or what but just don't want to have to deal with that. Even if i can't actually, you know, see you from here but hmph you should have a conscience and a truckload of sensitivity. SHOULD.

Block tests SUCK. so bloody waste time. Have a gut feeling that i've just failed econs this fine morning, will be satisfied if i get a c for history but think i screwed up SEA so hello D or E. Plus have a sneaky suspicion tcp doesn't like me. And gp. Hai. Compre sucked, essay...i have no idea what to say. it's either i did v good, or v bad. I don't think i will be studying for lit tmr. Just gonna hope for the best hah. Cramping Girls are entitled to certain privileges you know.

Will be going to watch Royston Tan's 0104 this saturday. think that's what it's called anyway, his short film screening. They're playing 15! which i thought I wouldn't get to see for a few years more at least. Price is also $15 . ;_;

Okay before I go, and at the risk of being shot down, trampled on, stretched till my limbs pop out of my sockets and thrown into the white tiger's enclosure at the zoo... i must express my dislike for rah-rah christians. Christians being protestants AND catholics. I was gonna go on and write a whole expose on the rah-rahs aka Christian Cheerleaders,(I have the outline for one on the Eager Beaver, a breed of people you see in school. Undoubtedly you would have seen one before and been pissed off, I'm quite sure. Unless you are one) when I realised how perilously I am perched on the edge of being labelled as Religiously Insensitive. Michelle Kuek is very Religiously Sensitive. Don't know if it's the correct term, correct me please if you know better. Yes, in danger from friends AND family (see how pervasive rah-rahness is), and well you should go observe and make up your own definition of a rah-rah. I'm sure they are (more or less) nice people, all well intentioned and all but it still irks. You know there's this bit in the bible that says you should close the door, lock yourself up in your room and pray, because that's when God will hear you? yeah. I believe in that. You could counter that the bible also advises you to praise God and evangelize and all. You're not wrong, it's your take and i don't suppose anyone's ever WRONG until they encroach upon other people's freedom to choose to worship. So go on and be rah-rah, it's not that i don't like YOU, i'm not going to stop you. Just that I will grimace when you do so.

that was a convoluted paragraph. Now i understand miss kwok when she said my point was convoluted. but things just pop up and think it's rude to push them aside.

alright. off to bum around until i'm summoned to the Spirit in the Sky.


don't ask me why. my parents are watching the american idol results show even though they didn't watch the performance, which really just doesn't make sense. I can't put on my music because those silly ang mohs drown it out. :(

will someone not make me a new layout? i probably should do it myself but i can't. CAN'T. tsktsktsk.

16March05, Wednesday -- BeeHoon and the Microwave

If you put a plate of beehoon in the microwave for 3 minutes:

1. the noodles shrink
2. the vegetables turn dry and taste like seaweed
3. the noodles get all crispy. :9
4. there is a satisfying snap,crackle,pop sound when its inside.

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