30June2005, Thursday -- God

I am in pain. Physical and emotional pain. Neil Gaiman's coming down to singapore, he's giving talks on monday, tueday, wednesday most of which are fully sold out/signed up for. Mirrormask trailer screening sold out too, and all we're going for is the 4pm autograph session (which makes us sound like boyband groupies, urgh) on tuesday which i am sure will be packed with people going for the Talk at the Library@Orchard later in the evening. I am having a Geek Fit right now.

HMPH. Anyway. This is my favourite song at the moment - Alanis Morissette's Still.

I am the harm which you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I'm your immaturaty and your indignance

I am your misfits and your praised
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rape
I am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art, I am your bytes

I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
And I love you (still)

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
And I love you still

quick, secret glimpses: a sharp hip, a long, taut thigh, an arched calf, a delicate ankle. says:

quick, secret glimpses: a sharp hip, a long, taut thigh, an arched calf, a delicate ankle. says:

quick, secret glimpses: a sharp hip, a long, taut thigh, an arched calf, a delicate ankle. says:

quick, secret glimpses: a sharp hip, a long, taut thigh, an arched calf, a delicate ankle. says:

29June2005, Wednesday -- Brains AND Boobs

My sister's secondary school classmate, Fatimah, is now in the same CT as one of my soulmate-friends, a certain Denise Marie Fernandez. When Joanna and Fatimah meet up, Fatimah likes to tell Joanna about her classmate Denise Marie Fernandez, who does superbly in literature and gp. She tells my sister how the lit tutor turns expectantly to Denise after he has asked a question, and only after she has delivered a mini-lecture does the teacher smile approvingly and say "good! good!" Furthermore, my dear Denise does very well for AQ. The average joe gets 2, 3 maybe 4 if you're lucky. Denise gets 7, 8.

This reporter confronted Denise Marie Fernandez, 17 , asking if it were true.

I asked "Eh, i heard you get close to full marks for AQ?"

She blurted "No! What nonsense - I got full marks!"

"WHAT?!" I screeched.

"And an extra mark for expression," she added nervously.


On a lighter, less intimidating note, who needs Coleridge when you've got Tennyson! and Whitman! HA! SMELLY!

28June2005, Tuesday -- Warning!

The traffic police should use some salman rushdie in their anti speeding campaigns:












25June2005, Saturday -- June Hols 2005 (Part II)

In the past week I have:

- read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by mark haddon. May have gotten the name wrong. Bitter sweet, that one.
- read How I Became Stupid by Martin Page
- read the newspapers, lol.
- have picked up Emily's Thinking Allowed by Warren Fernandez again. he is damn smart. st mike's, SJI, Hwa chong, oxford. plus he was on all those s21, remaking singapore committees too. tsktsk. some people.
- watched Bowling for Columbine again.
- watched at least 12 episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Was told by one of my mother's secondary school friends that friends promotes bad "morales", continuing on to say that the young are easily influenced and it subconciously corrupts your "morales" etc etc. You probably know the rest of it. There are worse people in the world that do NOT watch soul destroying tv programmes.
- the 12 remaining eps of Tian Shang Tian Xia.
- studied the russian revolution until the 1917 revolutions, read othello till 4.1 studying takes too much time.
- confirmed with denise and lolly that we'd go see neil gaiman in kino the tuesday after the exams. XD so exciting. autograph! autograph!!!

compared with the last two weeks, i haven't been very productive. that's what comes of mugging. at the turtle's pace i study i might as well aim for next yr's a levels. ah well. _Someone_ has to appease the naggy little voice in my head.

today mother's friends came over to have a barbeque. at five o clock. -_____________________- so by the time it was seven the fire had died. for the first time, jo and i actually went and associated with the other kids. we played mahjong, bridge (YES I HAVE LEARNT TO PLAY BRIDGE), taiti and blackjack. blackjack was hilarious because we played forfeits. A sec 4 marist who had his hair shaved close to his scalp forfeited twice, and the first time he had to go kiss one of the aunties, which he gamely did. the second time he was punished by having to ask a random auntie hanging around nearby for her phone number. the aunties, being my mother and friends, were hooting with laughter. wonder if we'll all be old and aunty-ish in the future, and have to drag our children to functions like these where they will stand apart and eye each other while we sit at the table guffawing loudly, occasionally dispensing advice on things like the education system which has probably changed in the last 20 years since we've stopped schooling and thus know close to nothing about. I have sensitive nerves. do not get on them.

shall surrender the com to my sister and see if i'll continue with othello.

20June2005, Monday -- Panic Attack

Shit i hate studying. I like learning. I just hate remembering things. especially econs. which i haven't even started yet. I hate studying, even when you are at the airport with one of your best friends ploughing through act 2 and 3 of othello and all the while in your gut you know you should know it all well enough to sing an impromptu Othello: the Musical by now. At least i got started.

I had a panic attack last night. Something along the lines of OHMYGOD!FOUR MONTHS LEFT IN JC!I HAVEN'T STARTED MUGGING!EXAMS START THIS FRIDAY!I'M GONNA FAIL MY A'S!I DON'T HAVE A DIRECTION IN LIFE!OHMYGOD! yes, all that only longer, faster, smellier. =| Though at 11pm it is very hard to take life changing actions. My mother very compassionately told me i should calm down, get some rest, and wake up early to study. And also reminded me that she saw this ad on the newspaper for econs tuition so if i wanted to save myself there are ways.

I'm going to school to hole myself up in the librarian workroom tomorrow. *grim*

19June2005, Saturday -- June Hols 2005 (Part I)

Accomplishments this holiday:

A. Attended pre u sem, survived, made friends, enjoyed it.

B. Went for drum camp, pulled off murder mystery, took retarded photos, explored the roof of the linkway and didn't get caught.

C. Revived the latent tv/movie addict in me.
i. The OC season I
ii. Tian Shang Tian Xia (anime) 12 eps
iii. Everybody Has Secrets (that korean movie)
iv. Zatoichi (samurai flick, good fun)
v. Dogma
vi. Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain
vi. Be Cool
vii. Batman Begins
viii. Mr & Mrs Smith (refreshing to see the girl with the big guns for once, and the upper hand in a traditionally male field. 312 kills to his "upper 50, early 60 muttermutter" WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)

D. Did not take advantage of the great singapore sale. went instead, to malaysia. bought:
i. black diesel jeans
ii. top from Body Glove
iii. small white bag from Body Glove (i like body glove. we should have body glove in singapore.)

E. Read
i. Royal Assassin by Robin Hobb
ii. Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb
(note: that's the end of the Farseer Trilogy. Finishing a fantasy trilogy feels like you've just gotten a limb amputated. Loss)
(note2: that's all i read, and both do not help for the exams or the lit s. =))

F. Went to
i. Asylum at Clarke Quay and blew money on chicken and vodka with Denise and Dorothy. When we were leaving one of a strange bunch of ang mohs (according to denise, whom they must have been eying) lifted his glass in a toast to us, and yelled "Do you wanna come over here?" Dear denise, very composed, replied "No, thanks." then we happened to pass by them again and the strange ang moh said "that's a big purse you've got there" to dorothy, who had come from school and therefore had books in her bag. dorothy RAGED, so we had to pull her away before the tide of her wrath could be unleashed upon them.
ii. JB for bak kut teh without the excess pepper that singaporeans are so fond of dumping into the soup.
iii. ang mo kio with siew tee.
iv. parkway to meet charlotte, who is now skinnier and girlier.
v. to cut my hair in a flat somewhere in something panjang, for $9. am pleased with the results. the hairdresser is GOOD. and i'd know. hahahaha.
vi. Causeway Point with uncle, aunt, mum, grandmother, 2 kid cousins (2 and 6), sister to eat dimsum at crystal jade. only we went there for dinner so they didn't serve dimsum anymore. had gelare ice cream. watched mr and mrs smith. whee! the things you can do when the money ain't yours. nyahahahaha.

G. Study (what a joke)
i. read act I of Othello
ii. did half of econs lect 12
(on the way to cambridge, i am.)

Updates next week

10June2005, Friday -- Drum Camp

yes, i'm at drum camp at the moment and NO it's not camp where you learn to play drums. (the drum is name of the school library). I am supposed to be doing something, only i don't know what (i've finished all i'm supposed to do), j1s are getting their pep talk (7 habits of highly effective people), and for a lack of work to occupy me i have turned to the ever trustworthy internet. But even now I'm getting kinda bored.

"Boring...boring..." ginny moans, seated at the com next to mine. oh tell me about it. sigh. I'm done resting - been sleeping on and off since yesterday because am ill and tired. After this we're conducting station games for the year ones. Don't know how i'll muster energy to conduct it, let alone have them bellow cheers at me. Whee.

I am a swirling vortex of negativity. The guys have plugged in the playstation, are playing Dynasty Warriors 5 with great relish while i've exhausted my avenues of entertainment - taiti, or however you spell it; eating;working etc. I am a swirling vortex of negativity. I am SIAN. I sap energy, my own, people's everything. I should be studying.

It's the last drum activity ever, i realise. One year come and gone like that. Maybe a year from now they'll be just as numbed and cold as we are. Hope not, for their sakes. Plus they've proved to be a different batch, quite quite different from us. Wonder how they'll come together. Up to them. I hope they realised that all their idealistic dreams and model answers don't do them good here. I hope they know we're not so stupid as to not have tried to apply model answer techniques. AH WELL. It's a pity we didn't get to know them better, and probably never will. They'll be taking up work room space. But it's time we surrendered, no?

Think the medicine is fogging up my brain. hahahahaha.

23May2005, Monday -- Capricorn

The Bottom Line
Organize yourself, and even the impossible starts to seem possible -- and probable.

In Detail
You want some time alone -- no, actually, it's fairer to say that you need some time alone -- and you'll do whatever it takes to get it. So if a loved one asks you for something you really can't provide, your answer will be matter-of-fact, firm and quite clear: It's just not possible now. Don't you dare feel bad about it. After all, when was the last time you said no to anyone, under any circumstances? Exactly. It's time to think of yourself.

How strangely... fitting. Despite spending loads of quality time with many people this weekend, i'm starting to come together as an individual - the path is lit with smouldering torches. And in between People Time there's been an awful lot of Alone Time (happens when you forsake homework for bumming and sleeping). I've never had such a pointlessly fruitful weekend in a long time. miss them man. There's a strange sense of direction now, still very vague when you look for a solid go, but i know where the next few steps are going to take me. If it works out lah. hahah.

anyway. dir en grey's Cage is very good.

20May2005, Friday -- Nameless Needs

Have recently been following the blog entries of an aquaintance, to realise over and over again that i understand, empathise with the way he thinks (when he's not being overly cheem)and feels. interests-wise and emotionally we seem to overlap but we live so strangely in two different dimensions altogether. just some sort of joint understanding that is really difficult to explain, and i'm not going to mention it ever because it'd seem really out of the blue. we're hi and bye acquaintances you see. very, very curious.

went to town today after career sem, and we bumped time and time again into this counsellor who seemed to be aimlessly wandering around by himself. which is very strange. ginny said perhaps he was lonely, which turned him into the protagonist of a sad 21st century tragedy. The Lone Ranger, tortured by an inability to reach out. okay i think too much. he's just a regular 18yr old pervert. serious!

there's so much pain around me, in me, in faces that betray no emotion, in the tears of strangers. and we all just cover it up, we cover it up. We step in time to the dance of life, singing along to the insidious rhapsody, dolled up in the colours of adulthood. who are we kidding? yeah well. THINK ZEN. ACCEPT THAT THE WORLD SUCKS AND GET ON WITH IT. right, right. i will. shuttup. =x

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."
-Baz Luhrman's Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

14May2005, Saturday -- Crash Landing

I spent the Whole Freaking Day at school/school events. I should have listened to the Dark Side and skipped college day - three hours spent on 3 speeches (i kept nodding off during the second one), watching people trot on and off stage, and then waiting to be released only to realise that THE FOOD'S NOT FOR US!!! come and tell me my school is generous. They made us come at 245 to wait around until 400 when it started. BWARGH. life's only so long, dammit.

between drama and church, my sister seems to have become a ghost. yes, a phantom living in the fourth dimension which is, as mrsteo will happily tell you, time. my sister appears only at night, and by the time i open my eyes in the morning she's gone. On some days such as this I get up extra early and bang around the room being late for school and that is when i see her squinting at me through slits for eyes, long hair dishevelled, making croaky noises at me. freaky. ah well.

off to live my life fruitfully.

12May2005, Thursday -- This One's For You, Lolly

...to prove that i -can- update more than once a week. XD

I swear I've been plagued by bad chi or whatever you want to call it, for the past 2 weeks. It's a wonder I'm christian, sometimes i'm so superstitious. :D

see, whenever i come home late recently, the smell of frangipanis have been stronger than usual. Smells very,very good though. Most stupidly, i confess, i thought it was some new advertising gimmick. At the bus stop where i alighted there was one of those jcdecaux ads, with a johnson's&johnson's baby lotion lighted up, the mother smiling serenely at me. Haha. Anyway it was freaky, and since then I've gone on after-watching-a-horror-flick mode, imagination on a suicidal rampage: suddenly every window is an invitation to evil things lurking in the night and all reflective surfaces are to be religiously avoided.

then two days ago i most unglamorously fell off my chair, arse landing flat on the floor with a 'whumph!'. my chin caught the table edge and teeth clamped down on the flesh behind the lip. Now i have a gorgeous inverted arc in my mouth, and it sears like an ulcer. What's there to do in a situation like that? I took a deep breath, mustered the remnants of courage and dignity and climbed to my feet, saying loudly and reassuringly "I'm alright. Just my pride, just my pride" to the shocked classmates. DAMN THROW FACE AH! hahahaha. moral of the story: don't rock your chair.

the rest are just trivialities lah. dropping pens and the like. but it's been a down period on many fronts. cyclical ah. this slump/depression(whatever) happens to be exceptionally shitty though.

yesterday's volleyball match was good. alson ended up leading a cheer for the entire nanyang delegation, the 100+ of us. yes, alson, lolly don't choke and die. which just goes to show how crap our student council is. sorry michelle, but seriously. and the j1s. totally devoid of reaction/enthusiasm. where did all the energy we heard during orientation go? too busy mugging i suppose. yes, and i say it nastily cos the dragon babies are HARD CORE BOOKWORMS. i'm blaming the sc not purely because the j1s were cheering very half heartedly, but because they themselves were poorly organised, our cheers were lame - angie and ginny took issue with the radio cheer, most councilors were more interested in watching the game than getting the crowd on their feet. which i understand perfectly, but you are a COUNCILOR. it entails sacrifice. again, what happened to the orientation thingies?

anyway we lost the girls to jj which is strange cos we're supposed to have thrashed them during the preliminaries.but the guys really whooped tj's ass man... 3-0!!! HAHAHAHA. i thought it was hilarious the way we shushed jj's cheering. apparently spectators are supposed to shuttup when the players are serving, so we most viciously hissed at jj because they'd cheer incredibly loudly at every given opportunity. A bit mean, but funny. In true plight-of-the-human-condition fashion we hecked the "silence on the court" rule and cheered like hell later on, and JJ vindictively hissed back at us. Damn funny. okay i'm a big fat meanie and a bit of a sadist, so you may not think so. :D

alright, off to watch tv. seeyouuuu.

10May2005, Tuesday -- Don't Talk Through The Hole In Your Head

How strange, it's been one week since i last blogged. How strange, my brother is standing beside me wearing a bicycle helment, repeatedly whacking himself on the head with my dad's wooden kendo sword. -___-"

Nothing to say really. Just that i have homework. history essay and stuff. hmph. which i should probably go do now. southeast asian history test this thursday, econs test NEXT thursday, how exciting. note the lack of enthusiasm. drudgery is pretty draining. but the more you try to escape, the more bitter it seems when you come back to it. Oh, the Life of a Mugger. hmph. angie seems a bit more stoned than usual, perhaps it's my imagination.

Signed up/been signed up for a few upcoming events. Most unluckily was the last of 10 people to be picked to attend college day. Thrilling eh, watching those smelly overachievers trot on stage (sorry norman, if you're reading this XD) to receive prizes, while our bums are glued to the ground, literally just Filling Up The Space. There goes my saturday afternoon. -sigh- then there's the touch rugby carnival next thursday, which is better. Played netball during pe yesterday and i realise I enjoy sports.

okay, end of report. my computer is emitting a most curious noise, sounds like a person snoring at an accelerated pace. Hmm. Josh Groban's voice is DAMN good.

3_May2005, Tuesday -- Irresolute

it's already wednesday tomorrow. urgh.

I'm a rotten human being. I hate feeling helpless when people are upset. It's silly to assume that my "comforting" will do anything to alleviate the misery of the other person. but urgh. still sucks man!

2_May2005, Monday -- Amputation

Like a conscientious little mugger i actually bothered to look up coleridge online. Found some interesting little bits of information with no relevance to curriculum. :)

"his face when he repeats his verses hath its ancient glory, an Arch angel a little damaged"
- Charles Lamb, friend of Coleridge, 1817

epitaph Coleridge wrote for himself:
Beneath this sod
A Poet lies; or that which once was he.
O lift one thought in prayer for S.T.C.
That he, who many a year with toil of breath,
Found Death in Life, may here find Life in Death.

Cute eh! Anyway. Mayday's good. Went down to parkway to meet samantha, then walked around with denise and we ended up sitting outside seven eleven, me drinking chocolate milk and she Groovy Grape, talking rubbish. Was evening by then so the rubbish was kinda solemn and melancholic. hate evenings. they suggest endings.

26April2005, Tuesday -- And You Know This Is For You


I pray thee, good Mercutio, let's retire:
The day is hot, the Capulets abroad,
And, if we meet, we shall not scape a brawl;
For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.
-Romeo and Juliet, IIIi

Stumble and Fall - Razorlight

I heard that it was a really big deal
But then I found out it was just nothing at all
You always say it's such a big deal
But we both know that that's nothing at all
And I get over the breaks
And I, I stumble and fall
And I get over the breaks
And sometimes stumble and fall

You just wont admit that it's all in your hands
So I have to try so hard to make you understand
But all you can say is "It's just part of the deal"
And I never asked you to understand
How I keep myself to myself in the crush of the crowd
But all you can say is
"Who cares? It's part of the deal"

And I get over the breaks
And I, I stumble and fall
And I get over the breaks
And sometimes stumble and fall

Well I, I get over the breaks
And I stumble and fall
And I get over the breaks
And sometimes stumble and fall
Yes I fall
Yes I fall
I stumble and fall


lousy me. =(

22April2005, Friday -- Gone Case

never mind.

QBASIC screenshot
You are 'programming in QBASIC'. This programming
language (of which the acronym stands for
'Quick Beginners' All-purpose Symbolic
Instruction Code'), which is so primitive that
it cannot easily be used for any purpose
involving the Internet nor even sound, was
current more than a decade ago. You are independent, in a good way. When something
which you need cannot be found, you make it
yourself. In writing and in talking with
people, you value clarity and precision; your
friends may not realize how important that is.
When necessary, you are prepared to be a
mediator in conflicts between your friends.
You are very rational, and you think of things
in terms of logic and common sense.
Unfortunately, your emotionally unstable
friends may be put off by your devotion to
logic; they may even accuse you of pedantry and
insensitivity. Your problem is that
programming in QBASIC has been obsolete for a
long time.

What obsolete skill are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

16April2005, Saturday -- my Free Sample Destiny Reading!

Achievement through discipline is one of your keynotes in this lifetime. To fulfill your soul purpose you will need much patience, tenacity, endurance, and most likely a long period of apprenticeship or labor. You are equipped by nature to withstand the periods of self-denial, austerity, grueling study, repetitive practice, or "doing without" that your path in life requires. Serious about your aims and, above all, a realist, you are willing to pay your dues in order to get where you want to go, and whether your goal is spiritual attainment, development of a talent, or material success, you want to go to the top. Some degree of rigorous training or hardship (inner or outer) is apt to be a prerequisite to your eventual achievement, Hannah, and unlike apparently "luckier" souls, you have to work hard and pull your own weight early in life. Often, too, you have to wait, to delay gratification, and plan your strategies very carefully and shrewdly in order to gain your desired ends. Through this, you develop a certain toughness and firmness, emotional detachment, inner resourcefulness and self-determination, which keeps you going when the road gets a little rocky on the way to the pinnacle you are aiming for. One pitfall you need to beware of is your tendency to become hardened and cynical, secretly envious of those whose way is less orduous or whose outlook and attitude is more trusting and carefree (irresponsible and immature, to your way of thinking). You seem to be given more "tests", frustration, responsibilities, restrictions than others, and as a result, tend to view the world as an unfriendly place or life as a struggle. It is important for you not to become bitter because of this, or to try to take shortcuts, as these will almost certainly come back to haunt you later. The first half of your life, in particular, may seem heavy or hard, while the fruits of your steady efforts come to you later.

The essence of this lifetime is that you must prove yourself, Hannah, and this you know at a deep level, and feel as a sort of inner pressure. (it can be next to impossible to get you to relax and enjoy yourself, to waste time or money or anything frivolous, or to gamble on anything you are not certain will yield real, tangible benefits). Because of your very strong (even if undefined) sense of purpose. Even your recreation is apt to be done in a calculated manner. You weigh the potential risks involved, and usually on the side of safety, for you have a very strong head to know where you are going and to be in control. Thus, the true experience of play tends to elude you, since it requires letting go of control, a certain indifference to results in preference for a free flowing openness to the moment. You do have a rather dry, ironic sense of humor, and it is important for you to keep that side of you alive as it gives you balance and a healthy perspective on things.

- from astrology.com


14April2005, Thursday -- I've Been A Bad Girl =(

TCP was strangely, but not surprisingly, sympathetic today I think. Knowing full well that his regular 8/25 essayist had just presented a terribly incomplete essay question outline on Nationalism, he most chivalrously galloped to her rescue. He pointed out quickly that the question was actually "very unfair, and very difficult" because Nationalism spanned 75 years, including the Japanese Occupation. No wonder a his admirers used to call him The Charming Prince. LOL. Said essayist is yours truly, in case you couldn't tell. I am amused.

ginny, veronica soh, xinhui and i were talking in the drum today. it is very funny to see xinhui's face light up, her voice soaring as she described her times with 'mel mel'. She is so in love. HAHAHA.

I would like to, want to quit school and sit in the national library everyday, reading and drinking tea, in bermudas and sexless t-shirts. And never, ever, be forced to make Serious Decisions like which gp question to do, or what to bring to school today.

i want to tell you what you want to hear, but it's not fair to either of us, is it, my dear girl?

Very, very suddenly, I find i miss Kim Koh Jun Li very, very much. :'(

12April2005, Tuesday -- Screw You

Don't even try to convince me otherwise, for your actions have proved you to be a shallow, materialistic Ah Beng. You prance around in your oversized shirts and shiny boxers that peek from the bottom of your school shorts, and this i suppose, to you represents the height of fashion.

Your pettiness fills every room you enter like the sulphurous gases cheap manufactories belch in third world countries. Worse still is how this forms a fog around you, blinding you from the fact that you are constructing your own fall. You reek, the foul wet odour of a soiled soul, of worms and maggots that swarm your heart. Your mind has breadth of a coffin, your pubescent emotions having dragged the lid over your potential, splinters piercing the fingers of those who would save you. And you would, I am sure, drive the nails in yourself.. Then do it.

And even now I cannot swear at you without feeling guilty.

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