15 July 2003
Things have changed
but evidently
hitherto dark and unwholesome,
The angts of existance
replaced with purpose
A bloody rush to the head
the culmination of pent up frustrations
A return,
into the flow
I feel peace..
.. and contentment

20 May 2004
Hmm.... i'm stuck
trying to think of what i can write in this long long awaited update to this webbie.


.... nothing...

Will be back again to try hehe :P

akan datang.

24 January 2004
Chinese New Year
came.. and is in the process of going. It is becoming more and more a weird and surreal experience. A festival which i used to enjoy very much when i was much younger. But somehow as the years go by, the feeling and spirit of CNY seems to have ebbed.

I guess, in part, Chinese New Year became less fun for me as an individual. I remember how it was such a big occasion then. Preparations were painstaking and elaborate. The week before, all us siblings would be given different housekeeping jobs around the house which we had to carry out under the careful scrutiny of my mother. There were windows that needed cleaning, floors that needed scrubbing... new year goodies to buy, decorations to be put up... offerings to be made to the ancestors and the gods...

On the actual eve itself, big preparations had to be made for the reunion dinner and kitchen duties that we had to help out in. Food to be prepared, spring rolls to be rolled, and the charcoal to be fired for the traditional steamboat (that was the time when we still used charcoal).

And after the steamboat reunion dinner, was the highlight of the whole entire year, Firecrackers. It was fun to stick 'huo jian paos' into the sand and watch it fly into the sky and explode in a colossal bang. More fun when at the stroke of midnight, you light up the entire length of red firecrackers together with the rest of the neighbourhood to usher in the New Year after which you head on inside the house to say some auspicious greeting to your parents in return for red packets....

Yeah.. in the good old days.

Its gone now. CNY has just become another date on the calendar when we usually get a rest or a day off. It has somewhat lost its special meaning, lost that sense of wide eyed wonder that i used to look forward to.

i was wondering about this sense of detachment this new year as i was spending time at my sis'. I thought that it was the environment that has changed. That for some reason or another, CNY has slowly lost its significance over the years. That people have somehow forgotten the Chinese New Year as the most important festival to the chinese.

Then something struck. It wasn't the environment. It was me. I have changed, i have lost that wide eye sense of wonder precisely because I have lost that wide eye sense of wonder.

I dun really know when it started, but i guess over the years, i got more and more resistant to the idea of steamboat dinners, half hearted attempts to get together, and visiting relatives who i dun really know and could really care less about. Little by little, the god of fortune is dying in me.

Sometimes i wonder, if and when i do have children of my own, would they have the sense of wonderment that i had? If the god of fortune had died in me, would it be reborn in them? Is this sense of detachment somehow an indicator of maturity? Would i be able to give them what my parents gave to me?

For fear of sounding cliched, i think i'm getting jaded..

or maybe i wonder too much...

or maybe i just want to wonder too much...

18 January 2004
In the midst of exams...

THIS is most interesting...

5 January 2004
5 days 10 hours and 52 minutes
into the new year.
What started out as a pre-New Year entry has now become a post-New Year entry. Maybe one of my new year resoulutions should be "Stop procrastinating".

But then again, i don't really believe and stand by resolutions. Its a somewhat illusory cliche that is always mentioned in the weeks before and after the turn of the year, but yet somehow forgotten as the year goes by and things start going back to the dreary reality.

But then then again, the new year is a good time to reflect on things that have been done, not been done, and should have been done in the year past. It is a time for "soul" searching (if i may use the word), for contemplation on action, and perhaps setting some sort of goal to look forward to in the year to come.

Looking back, 2003 was a year of change, one where i left my short-lived career in the frustrating tourism industry and started on a new path and hopefully, and optimistically a new beginning. Studying again gives quite a feeling of nostalgia, of lectures, sleeping in lectures and trips to the arts canteen for lunch. This was life as i remembered it.

It isn't easy, and i do expect pitfalls along the way. But with much optimism, i look ahead.

Happy New Year Everyone.


3 January 2004
Good Bye Lenin
If i had just been an hour early, or booked my tickets online, the title would have read "Love me if you dare" and i would have missed this wonderful piece of work.

There are many aspects to the themes of this movie. Political ideology, a country in transition, an interesting look at a society prior to and after the fall of the Berlin Wall and most importantly (to me at least) a pretty touching portrayal of fillial love.

Pretty good.

Go watch it.

23 November 2003
Whats up with the kung-fu fighting Wachowskys?
I thought that the kung-fu fighting at the end between Smith and Mr. Anderson quite extreme.... whats with the flying in the air, and the mini sub-nuclear explosions and fists moving through the air/ cutting through the rain in slow motion. For a moment there, i thought i was watching a bad repeat of "Dong Fang Bu Bai".
That was quite overdone, Wachowskys...

I was disappointed. What seems to have started out on a really cool idea and concept seems to have fizzled out...

I liked the idea of the Matrix because it painted a gloomy future that i thought was quite possible, given what little i know of the excess of human nature. I liked it because it made sense to me because i do believe that the mind is quite almost everything. I liked it because it made me think about my own existance and made me ask the question, am i real, or am i just a brain in a vat? I liked it because I thought the idea of the One was cool. I liked it because it made me think about reality. I liked it because i thought bullet time was cool. I liked it because the idea of the mind being encapsulated by and imprisoned by a non-reality appealed to me.. and i guess i liked it because it was more than a movie... it was.. just simply... The Matrix....

Which was why watching Revolutions was quite the unfulfilling experience. Reload (scroll down to May 21 entry for that review) was already somewhat hanging in the air... But.. to quote Morpheus, i believed.

I believed in the willing suspension of disbelief. And right now, i feel damn suspended. Gone was the cool novelty of bullet time, gone were the introspective look at human nature, gone were the cheem innings of a philosophical future. In its place is the weird mix-match of HK kung fu and hollywood science fiction. Not to mention Agent Smith and the weird apocalyptic ending.

Errmm... yeah sure i understood that Agent Smith needed to be there to "balance" the equation. That Neo needed to die so that the equation would be unbalanced and Smith would naturally cease to exist.. But its so ..... weird...


17 November 2003
I think i have degenerated....
Watched my first episode ever of "Are you Hot?", America's Search for the sexiest people around.

I gotta admit.. I was entertained.

It was kind of funny watching people parade around and letting other people rate them on their face, body and overall sex appeal while they stood around preening in an effort to garner support.. Even funnier when the buzzer rings and they're officially "Not Hot" and they have to saunter off stage in embarrassment amidst much crowd boo-ing. Even much more funnier to me, when they are interviewed backstage on their being categorised as "Not Hot". Call me insensitive, but I couldn't help laughing out loud when this previously macho-looking "Not Hot" guy looked at the camera with tear-stained eyes in an absolutely abject look of dejection.

What a weird world we live in.

Am being a couch potato today and sat and watched TV for hours straight. Haven't had the luxury of doing this for quite a while now. Managed to catch a rerun of Friends... from way way back when they first started out....

Is it me, or do they look really different?

Is it me, or do clothes look really weird only abt 5-6 years back??

I still remember my first contact with Friends was in TH. Still remember squeezing together in Blk A TV Lounge to catch this show... it was quite the weekly ritual.

brings back memories man....

11 October 2003
This is not the first time that i start an entry with the words...
...It has really been a long time since i last updated this website, and it probably won't be the last either.

This past month has been a gruelling one of school, revision, programming and work... School, obviously, is my biggest preoccupation, taking up the main bulk of my time. It was good and manageable in the beginning, but i'm starting to feel the pressure add on as i dive deep into programming in C#. I am probably nearly in the process of drowning, although in my state of oblivion and cluelessness, i may not even know it yet.

But, where there is adversity, there is hope, in classmates who knows much better, and in late nights spent at the comp lab just trying to figure out how to make the bloody computer calculate mathematical equations. All in all, life's good, tougher than it has been before, but with a fulfilling, and somewhat sweet aftertaste, brief though it may be.

So, while i struggle to make sense of my codes, i feel just a little detached, and cushioned in semi-isolation againts the rest of the world. What of Arnold becoming governor, Bush deciding to screw up more of other people's lives, Malaysia losing face, and local economy bouncing up in the 3rd quarter. How insiginificant they are to my coming assignment on how to program codes for a fictitious bank with fictitious customers and accounts. How ironically unimportant the rest of the world.

So, while i down green bean soup lovingly made by my landlady for her husband (no innuendos here..), sweet in the comfort of an act of human compassion while i wallow in the feverish throes of a crippling fever and sore throat, how is the immediate rest of the world doing? How goes dilligent automatons faithfully working OT to fulfil the aims of Singapore Inc.? There is much i would like to catch up on.

In other words..

KNN, when are u all ever going to find time to meet me for dinner?

1 September 2003
"No need to thank me, I'm your father."
As always, a trip home is full of warmth, relaxation, rest, reading, irregular quality of home-cooked food and good old nagging. I was glad to go back and see my parents, to go back to a place where there are little pressure on work and life, where i can feel totally comfortable just lying in bed the whole day reading, and not feel in the least way inconvenienced by my own presence.

Anyway, as an allusion to the title, i had a somewhat interesting talk with my father. Was reading in my room when he came in with a glass of Liang-Cha

Me: (Drinks..) Thanks, Pa

Pa: No need to thank me.... I'm your father...

Me: .... errmm... ok...

Pa: You know how you can thank me?

Me: .... err... how?

Pa: Find a good girl, get married...

Me: Huh?

Pa: Find a smart one too... if she comes from a rich background, even better... thats how you can thank me... make me happy... ok? ....understand not?

Me: ....errr ....ok... yeah.... sure....

I didn't even try to argue because we've talked about this before.... and resistance is futile. I guess now with my sis getting married soon, the pressure is all on me as the "only one" left. a somewhat unsettling fact.

School is good.... It feels good to be back in the lecture theaters. Good to actually be present for a lecture. As usual, the first day of school is filled with introduction lectures, tours of facilities and getting all rabba with your group members and mentors.

As usual though, there are the really nerdy people who cannot stop talking about what their computer specs are, and how hot their machine is because they have 4 hard disks, and there are the know-it-all who keeps talking about their previous experience in programming and scripting macros with such arrogance it makes me wonder what else they could learn from the course if they are already that good.

Its going to be a tough 11 months... But oh! The glorious pursuit of learning! How it exhilarates!

haha :)

26 August 2003

"That's not art, thats just a bum with two plastic bags" -anonymous girl on photo exhibition in underground tunnel leading to Esplanade

Been back for a week now from HK and things are settling back to a comfortable famliarity. The past few weeks (minus my holiday) has been one of rest and nothingness, and i do feel quite at ease and at the same time pretty eager to start on my school term.

Which i think... gives me a really bad excuse for not updating my website as frequently as i used to. hehe...

Anyways, bear with me while i make my sojourn back to JB, probably my last one for the next 6 months before my term starts... Lets see if i have something to write about when i come back.


18 August 2003
Hong Kong SAR
"Tui Mm Chi, Ngoh Mm Sek Kong Kwong Tung Wah"
Probably my most used phrase there. Check out pictures and travel notes here, or click "Photo" icon above

Last column from Kheng. He's got his own site now

5 August 2003
Been reading quite a bit of this book called "Philosophy - The pursuit of Wisdom" by this guy called Louis Pojman. Yes. You read right. PHILOSOPHY. Was inspired much by Loe's Buddhist inclinations as well as my gaping lack of understanding of the questions and words that many have asked and pondered upon.

Anyway, came across this little gem which i would like to share. On this chapter i read on the question of the existance of God (or non-existance for that matter), i came across this thing called the "Problem of Evil". Its simple, but yet quite difficult to refute. The basic argument works on logic. (Yes, kookoohead, now i understand your pain when you were taking that philo module and you were trying to tell me about the p's and q's)

Please allow me to paraphrase from the book:

1) God is all-powerful (including omniscient).
2) God is perfectly good.
3) Evil exists.

But if God is perfectly good, why does he allow evil to exist? Why didn't he create a better world, if not with no evil, at least with substantially less evil than in this world? Many have contended that this paradox, first schematized by Epicurus, is worse than a paradox. It is an implicit contradiction for it contains premises that are inconsistent with one another. Consider the following:

4) If God (an all-powerful, omniscient,omnibenevolent being) exists, there would be no (or no unnecessary) evil in the world.
5) There is evil (or unnecessary evil) in the world.
6) Therefore, God does not exist.

Necessarily though, the whole argument cannot be won over by such a simplistic logic (although I do think there are no direct counter-examples to this). There are several other perspectives on this issue, and perhaps i'll share this on the guestbook if you people are interested to discuss it.

Anyways in a quite unrelated note. Made this small observation quite a few weeks back which sort of intrigued me. I had this very vivid dream which at one point in the dream had me trembling in total fear and submission. Upon waking up, I could still feel the emotions running through me and the fear which i had. My question is, if dreams are product of the mind, of perhaps the firing of the different synaptic nerves in your brain which causes you to have "virtual" hallucinations, how is it that you seem entirely surprised by the events that transpire on you in your dream when it is you (or more precisely your brain) who is making up those hallucinations?

In other words, if dreams are products of your mind, in which you sort of "planned" and orchestrate it for your own self, why is there still an element of surprise when you actually go through it? Is there a control center in which you are unaware of? But how can you be unaware of that 'control' when you are the one who actually created the 'control'? Is there a 2nd person or conciousness which is producing these images without my main conciousness being aware of it? And if that is so, how does this whole thing work?


Anyways anyways, in a totally unrelated and lighter note. I've booked my tickets for HK and will be flying this Sunday! Whoopee!

Hehe... what an anti-climax.

Oh, by the way Kheng's article has been updated, click on the guest writer's link to access.


17 July 2003
After a somewhat blatant self-advertisement,
the guest writer's identity is henceforth revealed as ta-daa!! Our very own Kheng a.k.a PukeBoy. Added in a new column to the right where you can access his link. Articles from him will be updated on a weekly basis, so be sure to check on it. You could also leave messages for Kheng on the shared common guestbook.

Anyways, here's an open invitation to all who has something to say and no avenue to express it. Just email the article to me and i'll try to post it up, subject to my scrutiny of course.

16 July 2003
Music is truly
a balm for the soul. moments ago, feelings of deject, rejection, anger, undue jealousy and total confusement was reeling in my head in total ecstacy, prying me layer by layer until what was left was but one bleeding heart soaked in acid. I feel incredibly vulnerable, and somewhat tired of this whole debacle i call my life and whats left of it.

Now, after playing by "Toxic Girl" "Daffodils" and "Out of my dreams" by our very own Jerms... I feel kinda ok. The raw bleeding heart throbbing into numbness of pains and experiences that have been felt by someone else and sung by someone else. I guess... in a lot of ways, my experiences are not unique, and in no way are they special. But i guess stuck in my own private world of wannabe make believe, they are what experiences are, personal, and in one way or another a part of my angts of my continuing journey of life.

This is my little escapade, and i feel so much better now.

13 July 2003
Gonna have a guest writer by the end of this week. Basically a lazy bum who can't put up his own site hehe. You better give me your article by this Saturday, you bum.

I am at a crossroad in my life. I've quitted from my job and signed up for a course of study that will take up the next 11 months of my life. Although i see this as a positive move forwards, i must admit that i am fearful for the uncertainties of the future and filled with trepidation on what might come up.

Events in recent months has put things into perspective for me. I need a change. The way i see it, i don't see myself going anywhere in the next 11 months in my old job, and if this is the case, i should really take the opportunity to further myself.

i guess the underlying question, like all changes and decisions in life is, would this make a difference and as much as i would try very hard; in reality's terms, am i going to screw up?

Monday June 23 2003
Was helping my father sift through old stuff in my house back in JB. Memories of times innocent and past swamp through me as I looked through belongings that accompanies my growing up. Found this 'secret' diary which i used to keep for a while after getting out of secondary school. Here's an excerpt:

"... Bored like hell, holidays are here and as usual like in secondary school, lots of homework. But this time, there is an added pressure. Common tests come after the holidays. Problem is not too much to study but too few to study. Sounds confusing? (note: can't really remember why i said this) .......Well... finally entered JC this year. Orientation wasn't fun, too much cheering, boring programmes. One of the councillors looked pretty though. Such a pity she wasn't born one year later."

Seems like things don't really change...

Thursday June 12 2003
Things that go *bump* in the night
After watching so many horror films from Japan, i realise most of them go by a certain winning formula of 1)damn eerie sounding music and sudden sound effects, 2) normal day to day events that suddenly turn into a potential scary encounter 3) scary female spirits and ghosts who have long hair, walks/ crawl with a funny gait and who loves to stare at you with those oh-so-scary eyes.

I guess needless to say, this piece is inspired by the hot scary movie of the moment, "Ju-On". For those who intend to watch this, beware spoilers abound and stop reading beyond this point. For the others... go watch lah, i dun want to be the only one who can't really sleep well at night after watching this.

Ju-on, is supposed to mean 'curse' or something in Japanese, and the curse in this movie refers to this house where a man murdered his wife before. The exact plot is insignificant, and not really well explored in the movie. Anyways, whoever comes into contact with this house and its occupants will be 'infected' by the curse and will be haunted by the wife and son who was killed until the haunted eventually die in pretty bizarre ways.

The haunting in this movie makes it a movie in the league of "Ring", absolutely the scariest movie i've ever watched.

Imagine for a moment, at night, you're sleeping all comfy in your bed, when suddenly you wake up, you feel really weird, something is wrong, you look to the side, there... staring at you is a young boy, you gasp, recoil in horror, then you hear this eerie wood creaking sound, that grows louder and louder... suddenly you look up, there at the head of the bed, is a woman with long hair staring down at you, you gasp, scream voicelessly as she bends lower and lower towards your face....

Imagine, the same bed, you asleep again. Suddenly you wake up, cold sweat sticking to your face, aware that something is awfully wrong. Suddenly you notice, with growing paralysing fear that something is forming up from under your blanket, it grows larger and larger, and suddenly you're aware that something is below with you under the blankets... you lie paralysed, then suddenly you gather the courage to flip up the blanket, underneath you see a woman with long hair, lying prone, staring at you... you scream as she reaches out at you with her hands.

Imagine, for a moment, while you're reading this, someone is behind you, staring.....

I'm getting goosebumps already..

Wednesday May 21 2003
Ahhh... clever indeed... reloaded

Architect: Hello Neo

Neo: Who are you?

Architect: I am the Architect. I created the Matrix. I have been waiting for you. You have many questions and although the process has altered your consciousness you remain irrevocably human, ergo some of my answers you will understand and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question maybe the most pertinent you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.

Neo: Why am I here?

Architect: Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent in the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden deciduously avoided it is not unexpected and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you inexcerably here.

Neo: You haven’t answered my question.

Architect: Quite right. Interesting, that was quicker then the others.

Neo: Others? (What others? How many? Answer me)

Architect: The Matrix is older then you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next. In which case this is the sixth version.

Neo: Then there are only two possible explanations, either no one told me, or no one knows.

Architect: Precisely, as you are undoubtedly gathering the anomaly is systemic. Creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.

Neo: Choice, the problem is choice.

Architect: The first matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect; it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being. Thus, I redesigned it, Based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However I was again frustrated my failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus the answer was stumbled upon by another, and intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the human psyche. If I am the father of the matrix, she would undoubtedly be its mother.

Neo: The Oracle

Architect: Please, as I was saying she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99 percent of all test subjects accepted the program as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at an unconscious level. While this answered function it was obviously fundamentally flawed thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly. That if left unchecked might threaten the system itself, ergo those that refuse the program while the minority if unchecked would cause an escalating probability of disaster.

Neo: This is about Zion

Architect: You are here because Zion is about to be destroyed. Its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated.

Neo: Bullshit

Architect: Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it. And we have become exceedingly efficient at it. The function of the One is now to return to the source allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry reinserting the prime program after which you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals, 16 female 7 male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the matrix. Which, coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race.

Neo: You won’t let it happen, you can’t. You need human beings to survive.

Architect: There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However the relevant issue is whether you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of every human being in this world. It is interesting reading your reactions. Your 5 predecessors were by design based on a similar predication a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species facilitating the function of the One. While the others experienced this in a very general way your experience is far more specific, Vis a vis love.

Neo: Trinity

Architect: Apropos, she entered the matrix to save your life at the cost of her own.

Neo: No

Architect: Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end. There are two doors, the door to your right leads to the source and the salvation of Zion, the door to your left leads back to the matrix to her and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know we you are going to do don’t we? Already I can see the chain reaction the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth, she is going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.

Neo: If I were you, I would hope that we don’t meet again.

Architect: We won’t.

Just watched Matrix Reloaded last night. Wasn't that terribly impressed at first, i thought there was too much on the Kung-fu and action scenes which although was very nice eye candy, got a bit too much after a while.

After so much anticipation from watching the first one, from being impressed by the ideas and the effects behind the whole movie, this was quite an anticipated film. Hence, my initial disappointment after the first few scenes of the movie. I thought it was becoming quite corny and stereotypical, and there was way too much of an act-cool WOW factor.

In the first scene, there's Trinity again, in black leather tights again, wearing cool shades at night again, and doing the slick kung fu moves.... again... It was starting to feel like a bad rerun. Plus some of the "new scenes" looked like pretty poor ripoffs from other films. The scene where the humans gathered for some supposedly religious ceremony where Morpheus does his "Martin Luther King" speech looked damn hell of a lot like something out of Dune. Then there's the council scene where they debated what they should do againts the incoming Sentinal army. That reminded me very much of Star Wars: Phantom Menace...

Not to mention the pretty long and arduous scene showing how humankind partied by participating in mass orgiastic dances. You know, i would have thought that since most of these people were plugged in to the matrix at some point in time, they should probably lived their lives as we did, and if so, shouldn't their party music be some techno-pop babble rather than tribal drums?

And somehow, that primitive mass orgiastic dance scene just didn't blend too well with the initial high tech look we had at Zion, with operators in cool looking skin tight uniforms touching futuristic looking touch screens and this guy operating a robot a la Mech Warrior. If they had all that kind of technology, it doesn't quite make sense to me why they needed to light bonfires in the orgiastic dance scene.

The over-dramatic lines which Neo and gang spewed forth was also kind of becoming old and very much staged... am i the only one who cringed whenever Morpheus goes on with his "I believe...." speeches?

And plus, i couldn't stand the mushy lovey-dovey Neo/ Trinity relationship. Their love talk all throughout the film was one hell of a turnoff of which the biggest is when Trinity pulled a gun on the babelicious Persophone when she wanted to kiss Neo...... how mushy are we going to get man... Although, i do agree that all the above has to be done for the plot to remain coherent in the end.... but... please... no more....

With all the above pretty disappointing points, i was getting desperate, I was afraid that the Wachowskis, like Agent Smith has lost their purpose. Salvation came however at the very end of the movie in the form of the standoff (so to speak) between Neo and the architect of the matrix.

TAADAAAA! Ergo lies the whole crux and meaning and might i say purpose of the universe of the matrix. If you go to this forum, there are whole debates raging on about what's happening here. One interesting view was that Zion, Neo and gang and the whole of humankind who thinks they are free are actually still plugged in to the matrix. There is a matrix within a matrix. The normal matrix for people who accepts and can live in the normal programme i.e. "our" world. And another matrix for those who reject the first matrix, i.e. people like Morpheus and the rest of the people in Zion who wants to be free. Hence even when Morpheus and Neo thinks they are free of the matrix, they are actually still in the matrix, but in a different one, something like a back-up system. This would sort of explain why Neo at the end of the movie is able to stop the Sentinals with this powers which should only exist in the matrix.

Hence, the Architect reveals that there has actually been 6 anomalies, i.e. The One since the matrix started, and that the matrix has been resetted 6 times and Zion has been destroyed 6 times. And everytime it's destroyed the Matrix is resetted i.e. RELOADED. Geddit geddit??

Hence the 2 doors present a choice, sort of. The door to the right leads to Zion being destroyed, and Neo selecting people in rebuilding the new Zion, and also the reloading of the Matrix. And the door to the left leads to Neo saving Trinity and the end of Humankind (or so says the Architect). We infer however that Neo under the effect of love for Trinity acts differently from the 5 previous Ones who all chose the right door. Instead he chooses the left door. Hence, together with Neo, we step into a whole new world of uncertainty.

Quite some inexplanable points here though which i'm still trying to figure out such as 1) Is there really a matrix within a matrix, and if so, how the hell is this going to end? 2) What is the source as mentioned by the Architect, and when he said rebuild Zion, did he mean in the real world or in the matrix within the matrix?

But hey... before i get sucked in the dialectic of all this..... I gotta remind myself... This isn't real.... Its just a movie....

.....Or is it?


Friday May 16 2003
Toxic Girl

In the sky the birds are pulling rain,
in your life a curse has got a name,
makes you lie awake all through the night
that's why.
She's intoxicated by herself,
everyday she's seen with someone else,
and every night she kisses someone new
never you.

You're waiting in the shadows for a chance
because you believe at heart, that if you can,
show to her what love is all about
she'll change.
She'll talk to you with no one else around,
but only if you're able to entertain her,
the moment conversation stops she's gone

- Kings of Convenience

Wednesday April 30 2003

"Sometimes freedom means you have to sit in garbage Robert" -Bucky Katt, Get Fuzzy

Saturday April 12 2003
Had another lesson in social inequality a few days back...
I was discussing something with another colleague in the office i share with my boss and another assistant manager. Everything was ok, serious discussion going on about how we're gonna deal with SARS..

Another colleague in my department came in looking for my boss... I was still engrossed in my discussion with my colleague, when suddenly i overheard raised voices saying, "i feel its unfair lor, how come you're giving him so many things.... you're neglecting us over him..... I don't know if is it because he has a degree??"

And all that while she was standing about 1 meter away from me and the colleague I was talking to, notwithstanding there was another assistant manager in the office. In the beginning, I thought she was complaining about somebody else... then i realised that the whole conversation is pointed to me.... I felt... damn uncomfortable... Was thinking, "huh?? what the hell?? where is this coming from?"

It was damn embarassing... and a pretty rude shock.. and i felt quite pissed.... Its like... even if she wanted to complain... doesn't she have the sense to do it properly behind closed doors and only when alone?? What the hell is she trying to accomplish by complaining about me, literally behind my back?? I thought it was pure stupidity on her part... Its like when she came to the degree part.... I felt so damn tempted.... just because i wanted to spite her.

Did she have grounds for making these accusations? In truth, I have been given certain perks, but i've had to work harder and longer hours to prove that i deserve it. And that i guess is the important thing she doesn't understand... She expects to be treated the same without giving anything in return... and that.. just doesn't work out...

Friday March 28 2003
"When would you be free?" ........I feel so incredibly stupid....

Monday March 10 2003
Since we are on the topic..

Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through. Your stay is but short, and the moment of your departure unknown.

None can live without toil, and a craft that provides your needs is a blessing indeed. But if you toil without rest, fatigue and weariness will overtake you, and you will be denied the joy that comes from labour's end.

Speak quietly and kindly and be not forward with either opinions or advice. If you talk much, this will make you deaf to what others say, and you should know that there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.

Be near when help is needed, but far when praise and thanks are being offered.

Take small account of might, wealth and fame, for they soon pass and are forgotten. Instead, nurture love within you and strive to be a friend to all. Truly, compassion is a balm for many wounds.

Treasure silence when you find it, and while being mindful of your duties, set time aside, to be alone with yourself. Cast off pretense and self-deception and see yourself as you really are.

Despite all appearances, no one is really evil. They are led astray by ignorance. If you ponder this truth always you will offer more light, rather than blame and condemnation.

You, no less than all beings, have Buddha Nature within. Your essential Mind is pure. Therefore, when defilements cause you to stumble and fall, let not remorse nor dark foreboding cast you down. Be of good cheer and with this understanding, summon strength and walk on.

Faith is like, a lamp, and wisdom makes the flame burn bright. Carry this lamp always, and in good time the darkness will yield and you will abide in the Light.

(Some parts i don't agree with and i think is difficult to achieve in the society we live in, but i do think its a pretty good guide.)

Sunday March 9 2003
How do you respond
when suddenly your mother turns around in the middle of a perfectly normal tv show and tells you in a serious tone what to do when she dies. What rituals to do, where to bury....

Quite disconcerting... and very particularly disturbing...

I couldn't speak... just stare and nod dumbly...

What could i say? Give suggestions? There was nothing i could think of that i could intelligently say in contribution to the conversation. It was... very shamefully for me... embarassing..

I guess if it was difficult for me, it was probably much much more difficult for her.

I guess death is one concept that everybody knows is coming... just that in our present mindset, we seldom imagine it happening to ourselves or even immediate family.

I guess I've always taken for granted that my parents would always be there. I mean, death and old age, is not going to happen in many many long years right? But over the recent past few years, i've seen my father physically grow old... streaks of white where black hair used to be... spurts of physical weakness.. aches... illnesses... I've seen my mother wrinkling just a bit.. complaining about sour joints...

its sad when you know the road they must walk and you know, as they must also know, where it leads to...

Monday February 17 2003
Nowhere Man
He's a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?
Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lend you a hand.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making his Nowhere plans
for nobody

- Beatles

Thursday February 13 2003
In a way,
i'm pretty glad that i will be working on valentine's day tomorrow. At least it covers up the fact that i won't really have anywhere to go with anyone in particular. it'll put off those questions that people who don't really know me will ask, and if people do ask anyway, hey i've got a legitimate reason, cos i'm working. Hell it beats being stuck at home watching tv blaring adverts after adverts of romantic dinners, good looking couples pretending to be in love, and mushy sms messages and wondering why nobody sends them to me.

Saturday January 4 2003
"...I'm like a pathetically lost suicide bomber who keeps going to certain self destruction in the most deserted areas and kills nobody but myself and actually thinks that what i'm doing would make a difference."

"One condition of desirability is the perception of availability"

Monday December 30 2002
1 more day
to the turn of the year and the beginning of a new one. Looking back, this year would probably recess into the deepest corners of my memory as one when nothing was achieved by me which i could be proud of. Which is kinda really screwed up in a way. But heck, thats life.

Looking forward, what do i hope to achieve in the new year? or in other words, for fear of sounding cliched, what is my new year resolution? Hmm... Job wise, would again, top the list. That is my overwhelming preoccupation and thoughts. I somehow believe that all the roots of my problems stem from my unhappiness from my current job and position. And if i could correct that, i'll be happier. And if i'm happier, i could probably solve all the other problems which i'm having right now. So, one thing at a time... lets just make it simple and just have one resolution. Yeah... that could work... i hope... Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life" is gonna be my theme song for the new year. Damn that whistling thingy is kinda catchy..

Happy New Year Everyone.

Sunday December 1 2002
Thats what some Singaporean uncles and aunties can be when given the chance... it may be that this description should be given to the whole of human kind, but i get more chances to be acquainted with the Singaporean species so i'll leave this description as such here until i see more of the world.

Was at this road show for the past couple of days for my company. Had a lot of freebie to give away... free ice cream every hour... free coffee... free sweets... etc etc... Can't imagine what some people will do just to get free things... A very sad reflection on the state of society i feel. 60% of the people queueing up for ice cream were adults well into their late 30s to 50s. And all of them vying with the poor kids over free ice cream.... its really true that once Singaporeans see a queue, they'll just join in first, then find out later what the queue is for...

The worse thing was in the last hour, we decided to just give away anything we had, asked people to form one queue, and suddenly you get all the old (very frail looking i might add) uncles and aunties all swarming around, hands outstretched like hungry children of ethiopia all asking for packets of ricola sweets..... Its so sad... so ugly.... and these aunties and uncles actually get mad with you when they are not able to get the freebies and scold you for not being able to give them free stuff.....

I don't really know what the problem is here.... I'm very sure these aunties and uncles are not poor.... neither do i think they really want the freebies... i mean... i doubt they will ever buy ricola sweets from the supermarket for themselves.... but its just the idea of "FREE!!". Just dangle the word and they come like hungry flies to shit. I realize i sound high and mighty, but i do find it a very sad state of human society to see frail looking uncles suddenly look like he's gonna rip your arm off if he doesn't get that pack of sweet....

Tuesday November 27 2002
Samsara The cycle of birth and rebirth, of worldly and material desires and common life as we know it. The cycle which, according to buddhist philosophy, we are destined to go over and over again, to live and die and be reborned again and again... That is unless, we achieve enlightenment.

Samsara.... Christy Chung.. more of her than enlightenment (for me at least, loe in his present state of zen-ness would probably deny it..) was on our minds as me and loe set out to watch this movie a few weeks back. I didn't really know what to expect of this show, but to be honest this movie turned out to be more fulfilling than the skin flick which i thought it would be.... notwithstanding of course, our desire to be poseur and act arty farty by watching an 'arty' show.

The movie begins with a lone eagle in the sky who picks up a rock from the ground, flies high, and drops it on the unsuspecting head of a sheep as a group of tibetan monks travels to receives a young monk, Tashi who has just gone through 3 years of solitary meditation in a cave. He is widely applauded for his achievement. However he soon realises that even in his supposedly holy state, he is unable and unwilling to let go of the secular emotion of lust. His master, A-po tries to counsel him by sending him to a monk who shows Tashi pictures of couples having sex (a la Kama Sutra) but which when held up to the light, shows the couples turning into skeletons and symbols of death.

Undaunted, Tashi comes back and questions A-po. He argues (full of teenage angts and all) that Siddharta himself enjoyed a secular life until 29 before he saw his own mortality and started on the path to enlightenment. Who is to say that the path to enlightenment does not start with knowing and feeling the worldly states that you are supposed to reject and look beyond? In other words, it is a question of relativity, how could i know one extreme of enlightenment, if i do not know the other extreme of worldly desires?

So then, Tashi leaves the monkhood, goes to this village and becomes a farmer. Story here about secular life is, i admit, somewhat typical. MAN meets WOMAN. MAN has a wild romp in the woods with WOMAN. MAN marries WOMAN. MAN has more wild romps in the bedroom with WOMAN. Its a perfect love story.... The WOMAN in question here is, of course the subject of desire, Christy Chung. So then they get married, have a kid they call Karma, plant grain etc etc. Tashi lives and learns the secular life which he so desires. All thoughts of enlightenment are naturally the least of his concerns.

That is until word comes from his dying master, A-po. In his letter, A-po asks the question, now that you have enjoyed secular life. Does it aid in your enlightenment as you indicated it would. Is your path to enlightenment by knowing worldly desires made easier by the fact that you now have to give them up? In Nirvana, if and when we eventually meet, what would you have told me of your experience in the secular, and would your enlightenment have been different from mine?

I guess here is where the film director does his silent "Ta-Daaaa!!", where the audience partakes in Tashi's "semi-enlightenment" and his decision to leave wife and son behind (a la Siddharta) to walk on his solitary path of enlightenment. The ending though is kinda weird, which i have not figured out. Tashi's wife, appears as Tashi makes his way back to the monastery and asks the moral question, could the path to enlightenment start with causing anguish to family and close ones? She makes reference to Yasodhara, Siddharta's wife. Then as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared... in a gust of wind and dust.. literally.

Anyway, here is the part i don't get, the movie ends off with Tashi on the ground, crying after his wife's admonishments, and as he looks up, he sees the same eagle in the sky (as seen in the beginning of the film). For a split moment there, i thought the eagle would drop a rock on Tashi. Luckily it didn't, for it would have caused so much more confusion to a scene which i already do not understand.

Anyway.. there you have it. As i said, turned out to be much more than i bargained for. Ostensibly just a love story, but imbued with little gems of buddhist philosophy. I thought the idea of using sex to exemplify the secular world was so extremely effective for it is an emotion which all of us understand and embrace. Not to mention the very interesting ways in which it was portrayed in the film. Learnt something new about what i could do with a ceiling beam, an Indian Sari and a stick. Go figure...

The central tenet of buddhism as exemplified in the scene of the old monk showing sex pictures to Tashi, is that wordly desires is temporary and transitory. It is not permanent, it does not carry in to the next world (if there is one in the first place). So why then, spend so much on your time trying to achieve this when you know its not going to last? The goal of buddhism then is to achieve enlightenment, see beyond worldly desires and by doing that achieve freedom from the cycle of birth and rebirth and achieve Nirvana.

I've always thought that Buddhism is more a philosphy than a religion. To be honest, i'm not a scholar of buddhist literature. I've never really read all the buddhist texts, but i sort of think that buddhism as commonly practiced today has somewhat left off the path as it set out to be... We chinese in particular, took it and butchered it to make it fit into the chinese understanding of the world.. We added in all the chantings of sutras, and all the promised ideas of gods, bodhisatvas, demons, wardings of bad luck and protection from demons, pure superstitions etc etc which i believe was never mentioned in the original buddhist texts.

But in truth, Buddhism in its pure philosophical form, is somewhat difficult to practice in reality. I've always thought Buddhist thoughts and teaching is a very enlightened way to live one's life. But... is it really viable and workable in the real world? I mean, to embrace buddhism in its entirety is to give up the material desires and wants which all of us very naturally have. And can we really give it all up for an promised enlightenment which nobody living can claim to possess?

I guess the answer is pretty obvious for most of us... I cannot... hmm... in fact i doubt anyone i know can...

Wednesday October 23 2002
Do platonic relationships exist. Discuss. Strange how such a topic could come up in a conversation in the office, but came up it did, amongts discussions of male chauvinism and how "Nan ren dou shi jian de" a statement which i happen to agree with... sad to say...

But coming back... do platonic relationships really occur? Can a single man and a single woman really be just good friends? Just that, a pure friendship devoid of sexual tension and predominant thoughts of errmm... well... sex sex sex sex sex. This is one question which i've explored for some time, as i'm sure most people would have.

I guess the underlying question is, can we ever get the sexual tension out of the way and just enjoy each other's company, and once we start purely enjoying each other's company, would sexual tension inevitably come into place? Hmm... makes sense?

Personally i don't think it exists. I think as people get to know each other better and closer, people naturally want to get closer and closer to that person. Isn't that the natural order of things? I mean if you really like the person, don't you want to move on to a further stage of relationship other than just being good friends?

Call me bigoted, shallow and narrow-minded, but i'm a guy... and i know what men think about.. and well i might not be speaking for all men but.. it... just doesn't.. well... exist...

Of course i'll have continue to say that all the other men who say that they do believe in it are bloody lying through their teeth.

At least i'm honest about it.

Damn. Why the fuck do i sound so defensive??

Saturday October 12 2002
The infectious power of Banghra
cannot be underestimated.
Just back from the opening night for the Esplanade. Damn hell a lot of people for a very hot and sticky Saturday night. One of the shows they had was this Bhangra dance by this local group. The power of Banghra is damn infectious... started off as just the dance by the Banghra group... then suddenly, people in the audience started joining in... first a small group... then just when you thought things couldn't get any more interesting.. the whole audience was up and dancing to the rather catchy beat.... So there me and Loe was, feeling slightly out of place taking photos as everybody, and i do mean everybody.. pot-bellied family men, mothers with kids, very cute and pretty local girls, very cute and pretty foreign babes... everybody... even this little indian kid in front of me showed some pretty promising moves.... Was kinda interesting.... Never ever underestimate the power of Banghra.

Click on the photos link above to check out the photos..

Monday September 23 2002
HMm.. what shall i say in this update... I sort of had quite some fun last friday, totally glad i joined my colleagues. That was quite a funny night. Kinda slow at first, but things started going a bit wild once the alcohol kicked in. Too bad none of what happened was in my favor. But, fun none the less.

Went over to visit my Sis-in-law and the newborn babe. Damn cute little thing. Had a little trouble trying to carry it. I have no idea how to carry a baby. Was damn afraid I'll do something wrong and break something.. Feels damn nice to carry a baby in your arms though. Gotta try it again some time again before they leave for HK.

Thursday September 5 2002
"Ji pak! Ji pak! lai ah lai!!"
attended my first ever Zhong Yuan dinner today at some chinese restaurant near Chinatown. Was one held by the tour guide association so there i was, with one of my colleagues, surrounded by guides, coach bus drivers, tour agency bosses, and representatives of other attractions. Felt damn out of place.
Anyway, in case you're still trying to figure out what this posting's heading means, its "$100!, $100, come ah come!!" in Hokkien.

I realise the peculiarity of chinese auctioning. Nobody really cares about how much the item being auctioned is really worth, but its just a bid on numbers, and to be more precise, 'lucky' numbers. So u get numbers like 8 coming out really often. Its like a contest of who can think of the most lucky sounding numbers, and when somebody comes up with something sounding remotely auspicious, you get a whole round of loud cheers and claps.... we chinese are a weird people...

Tuesday August 20 2002
"learned helplessness" -describes a psychological clinical experiment in which mice that are kept in a cage are electrocuted periodically. In the beginning, the mice would scurry about trying to find a spot in the cage where they would not be electrocuted. After experiencing failure after failure, the mice would stop trying, and would not attempt to escape even if the doors to the cage is open.

right about now, i feel pretty much like the mice.

ok, i'm being dramatic... but i think a few more months of this shit would probably do the trick.

Tuesday August 13 2002
Austin Powers in Goldmember
watched this yesterday with joe. Totally love the starting with cameos done by the various stars. Came as a total surprise to me. Downright funny. Like all previous Austin Powers movies by Mike Myers, its pure senseless corny humor, but hell, once in a while u need a movie like that. Enjoyable... very enjoyable.

Tuesday August 6 2002
Did a lone ranger today and went off taking photos in Sentosa.... yet again... Fort Siloso is a total dump and waste of time... Images of Singapore, i.e the wax museum however is pretty cool... Took some pretty interesting pictures (... or so i think...). Check out the 'ghost in the mirror', reminds me a lot of Sadako.

Saturday August 3 2002
Just came back from Lian's housewarming. Like Rod and Joe's place, looks damn nice. Kinda very classy and hippie place. Spilled wine on one of his chairs and dropped YQ's phone, damn paiseh... Luckily no babes i'm interested in over there.

Met KL for a little drink after. Damn tired and took cab back... Saw this couple making out outside a school fence, totally over each other, lots of groping and totally ignoring the world... *sigh*... I feel so much like a loser...

Friday August 2 2002
Memories of NUS swamps over me when i went back to school today to meet kheng for lunch and buy the infamous, highly recommended by darren, charges-in-one-hour Ray-O-Vac battery charger for $49. Yeah, i just had to say that.

Anyway, was lunching in Arts Canteen. It is just so different. Being there and just visiting. Its as if i'm so much seperate from the scene, somehow remembering how it was like to just bum around, skipping lessons and such, but yet feeling so detached, knowing how it feels like, but unable to feel it... hmm don't think i'm making sense here.

I guess i miss it all, thats it..

Blood galore while watching Battle Royale. Been wanting to watch this for damn long. It being highly acclaimed and stuff.

The violence, when it started was a bit... errmmm... funny.. to me at least. I totally went "huh???" when the teacher whips out the knife and throws it at a girl and killing her. Took a while for me to register that the girl was really dead, there the humor for me ended. What followed was an hour and a half bloodbath with no holds barred and all sorts of weapons thrown in.

Pretty shocking and disturbing... the violence was a bit too much at times. This site describes the theme pretty well. To me, i felt the movie also portrayed the frightening reality of how people would behave when their own lives are threathened. The ending was kinda weird, i don't really get it. But I thought the show was pretty good... although i don't think i will want to sit through another rerun of it in the near future...

Condolences to KL, sorry to hear that man...

Saturday July 27 2002
Just had a chat with my eldest bro. I'm going to be an uncle soon! oooh sooo exciting... this news however is pretty old and dated already since my sis-in-law is going to give birth end next month. For some reason or another, my bro did not mention the pregnancy to us. So we weren't supposed to know about it.. errmm... don't ask me why. I have totally no idea what he's thinking...

Anyway, its the first grandchild in the family, so its a pretty new and big thing for all of us. Asked him how it feels like, and he replied with the typical male gung-ho 'ok lah, like that lor'. although i do think its a pretty exciting thing for him as well, it being the first child and all. I guess in a way, having a child marks another step in life. Yeah, something like those insurance commercials that go 'your first steps, first day in school, first love, marriage, your first child.......' The whole cycle of life thingy. *sigh*... makes me feel kinda melancholic all of a sudden.

Haven't talked to him for quite a while now, so just caught up on recent stuff like jobs etc etc. Kinda nice... oh by the way, the baby's a girl.

I remember once there was this small toddler who got lost and couldn't find his parents at my workplace. So there he was all bawling and sobbing. I carried him around the place, looking for his parents. For that split moment, carrying that toddler in my arms, and comforting him seemed the most natural thing to do. Felt damn fatherly, which is kinda weird, for me at least. Never really imagined myself in that kind of situation... plus he smelled really nice...

hey i gotta stop this or i think the sensitive new age guy in me is going to cry... hehee..

Wednesday July 24 2002
Had some fun with my camera today. Went down to Sheares Bridge with Kheng after he heard pretty good news from ESPN. Congrats man... Tried to take some nice sunset photos with my newly bought tripod, but damn never realised that the ground shakes so much when big lorries go by. Most of the photos i took turned out too blur to really display and i deleted quite a lot of them. Plus, lots of clouds makes for a pretty lousy sunset... well at least it is so for a newbie like me.

By the way, i signed up for a PBase account, and now upload my nicer photos up there. Click here or click on the "photos" link above.

Anyway, met up with Loe after for dinner and to offer condolences on a failed attempt. Hai... sometimes i wonder why we even try.

Monday July 22 2002
bro seriously i dont think u should've done that to make a fool of yourself
but then as a good young man with pride, we tried, we failed, now we move on...

Monday July 15 2002
Life is settling down
into a pretty unsettling familiarity and monotony of wake up, work, get back from work, sleep. Not exactly very healthy. I'm getting pretty lazy again. Haven't sent a resume for quite some time already. Don't really have the will and discipline to start on one. Plus my preoccupation with NeverWinter Nights take most of my nights away while i indulge in dungeon crawling.

Feels like i suddenly lost aim again. I know what i want and what i have to do. But i'm too lazy to do it. Gotta buck up man...

Thursday July 11 2002
Was pretty much in apprehension these past 2 days. Was afraid that i'll black out again, expecially at work. Seems ok so far. My gash is pretty deep though and have been attracting some questions. Have had to explain quite a few times that i fell. Didn't really tell people at my office about the fainting part. I think its best they didn't know. Anyway, think all is well lah. I think low blood pressure. Gotta start doing some exercises...

Tuesday July 9 2002
Just had one of the freakiest moment of my life. I passed out. Yeah i fainted. I don't really know what happened. I was happily lounging on the sofa watching TV when i had the urge to take a leak. While walking to the toilet, i suddenly started feeling a bit woozy. I was still feeling ok then and was still walking there when it suddenly happened.

I think i went into a dream state for a while. Can't really remember much though. Kinda fuzzy and stuff. Next thing i knew, i opened my eyes and found myself sprawled on the floor facing the toilet door. First thing i noticed, drops of blood on the floor. Then my bent spectacles amongts the drops of blood. Totally disoriented and dunno whats happening. I went "What the fuck??" and my voice sounded really far away, something like an out of body experience, plus there was this loud ringing which kinda drowned any other noise out.

Dragged myself to the mirror. Had this 2cm gash above my left eyebrow still bleeding profusely, blood all over my face and dripping down my t-shirt, looked totally pale. Felt damn afraid.

I'm ok now though, sitting down in front of my computer writing about something that just happened 15 minutes ago. I don't really know what happened, but i've had experiences when sometimes i've sat down for some time and i stand up suddenly,i feel a bit giddy. Hypertension i think. Never was as serious as to faint though. Don't think i'm sick or anything, but i am just worried that this might happen when i'm at work. Lets hope not...

Wednesday July 3 2002
I am a thorn,
a sliver under the skin. a constant reminder of something gone wrong. Something ambiguous and unexpressed but which going by all the signs, should have been pretty obvious. I am an irritant, a lone mosquito buzzing constantly around the ears, refusing to go away and let alone. I fake nonchalence, not very successfully, although the facade seems to mislead others well enough but is seemingly jarring in the Eyes which i cannot look upon.

Monday July 1 2002
Telok Kurau Rendezvous
Pretty nice place joe, rod and ferry has over there. First impression was, feels a lot like JB! Landed houses everywhere, relatively few cars driving around. Very relaxed and "holiday" atmosphere to it. The idea of the walk up apartment is pretty cool too. Feels pretty spacious too, but thats probably because the rooms are seperated into 3 levels with 1 room on each level. Very nice..

Friday 29 June 2002
Disappointment. What a hard hard experience. Sometimes things just don't turn out the way you think it should, and reality is seldom the rational logical thoughts which you think about over and over again and in which you think is so so right.... But... life just doesn't work that way. Things don't turn out the way i think it should because i think it so. So much variables to consider, but which really shouldn't be considered at all because the complexities involved would totally make a waste of the effort. For once, something i really want is there. And to just watch it slip through my hands.. what a damnable experience.

Wednesday 26 June 2002
Home Trip
Going home for a few days is always fun. Good food, nice herbal soup, motherly love, hanging around just resting and sleeping. As always however, there are the usual mandatory questions like "hows your job? Got a new girlfriend yet?" and the naggings about what i should do and what i shouldn't do. Yeah, the same old stuff... but it was worth it i guess, plus i do kind of miss home.

Something my father said made me totally laugh out though. He was talking to me about relationships and "advising" me on the kind of girls to go for. Maybe a little background info would help. My father is of the opinion that to "breed" smart and good offsprings, you need to find a person of high intelligence, and marry young (cos supposedly all the geniuses are conceived when their parents are in the 20s). It is also important to find someone who is of sufficient wealth and power so that she might help in your own career. Was telling him what i think about his ideas, and he said, 'yeah, thats called idealism.' and told me he has the benefit of hindsight. haha it was kind of poignant on so many levels.... couldn't resist laughing out loud.

Friday 21 June 2002
Of dead computers...
Computer died again a few days back, thats why there weren't any updates at all. Damn weird problem... it doesn't even get to BIOS, no video signal, nothing.. fans and all were running all right, took out other components, disconnected hard disk, reset CMOS, still doesn't work... Concluded it was a mobo problem and took it back to Convergent.

Kudos to their service, damn nice front office people. No questions asked, no need to see the receipt, just "ok we'll call you in 2 days and you can come collect... service charge?? no need no need.." damn nice, not to mention the recept girl was kinda cute too.

Wednesday June 12 2002
men are from Mars, women are from Venus
Overheard this as i was browsing through Kinokuniya at Orchard today:

Guy: WHAT?! you're hungry already?
Girl: Yes
Guy: I thought you just came from Burger King?
Girl: Yes, but all i had was onion rings
Guy: Why didn't you order a burger or something then if you were hungry?
Girl (getting a bit irritated): Because i wasn't hungry then...
Guy: But you're HUNGRY now??!
Girl (staring at the poor guy): YES

awkward pause.....

Guy: ok ok lets go eat....

Monday June 10 2002
Photos uploaded, check it out!!

Sunday June 9 2002
6 geeky guys with 6 digital cameras
made their way into sentosa today. All guys outings like this can be damn fun. Just went around the island taking pictures with Darren, Loe, Rod and 2 of Darren's friends ManHon and Vins. Basically was just enjoying the view and hanging out.

Despite the recent downturn, Sentosa Island still has a lot of cheap and fun possibilities. Entrance is just $4 after discount, and you can basically spend the whole day inside. Just don't visit the attractions, which honestly aren't really worth visiting anyway. There's a lot of nice free places to go inside like the fountain gardens, musical fountain area, the whole stretch of beach on the south (where all the bikini babes are, hehee), and this really nice private club place which has not opened yet called Sentosa Cove. Perfect date location for all the Casanova wannabes out there...

Took a damn lot of pictures too, pity i can't upload now because i ran out of batteries and i cannot transfer to my pc. Will probably do it tomorrow. Damn nice, gotta do this again.

Thursday June 6 2002
I can be so indifferent sometimes that i think its pretty frightening. My parents came back from HK couple of days back. Wasn't especially happy that they were back... sort of didn't realize they were gone at all.

Anyway, like all parents, they were concerned about me and how i was doing in my job. I told them it was sucky and stuff, and like all parents they were absolutely concerned and encouraging, telling me stuff like "just hang on, things will get better".. the thing is i've gotten this line so often it pretty much sickens me. i think i'm guilty of using this to encourage others too, but... i dunno why, just a pretty sickening line. kind of like a lame excuse gone really bad... Anyway, in short i wasn't very enthusiastic and sort of ignored them.

The absolutely stupid part is, how i always feel so guilty after behaving badly, and wanting to make it up. But the next time it'll happen, my parents will be nice, i'll be an asshole, and i'll start feeling guilty again. its a cycle which happens over and over again, and i think parents are the only people who can endure this kind of shit. The ironic thing is, i'll always be nicest to the people who are almost strangers to me, but i'm an ass to people who care for me the most...

damn screwed up situation..

Sunday June 2 2002
I have totally no guts.
period. but i do have a digital camera to soothe my abused ego.

By the way, new "Photos" link above

Tuesday May 28 2002
100 days!
since i started on this website. COol....

Thongy affair Damn embarrasing lah.... got home after shopping yesterday to find out that the pack of underwear i bought were thongs!! Didn't notice the small print at the side when i bought... Embarrassment.... no wonder the guy at the cashier counter was looking at me in a weird way... Cannot go back to change it too, cos i threw the receipt away.... Damn... Better not let my mother see, lest she thinks her son's turning queer.

Monday May 27 2002
The Boot
Hai... gotta get out of this house soon. Been ceremoniously shown the door. Seen it coming for quite a while, especially after my bro's marriage. Gotta give the newly weds some space to live their new life. Luckily for me, they'll be gone to US for about 9 months, gives me some time to get my PR, then share and buy a smaller flat with my sis, preferably in the area where i am now. Good in a way i guess, i think we were starting to get on each other's nerves. It would have been better to stay apart and maintain a good relationship, than to bitch it out in communal close quarters.

Spider-Man Watched this yesterday, pretty nice. Effects seemed a bit fake and amateurish at some point, but still enough to get a few wows out of me. Didn't like the way in which he goes saying, "like all great stories, there was a girl involved...", but i'll leave that argument for another day. Not gonna go in detail about plot, i'm sure most people watched it already.

Kirsten Dunst, is over-rated in the movie, i think. Sure she's grown a lot... but not pretty lah. I thought the hover-craft, missile shooting thingy which the green goblin rode was pretty cool though.

Friday May 24 2002
One thing i gotta admire about the government departments in Singapore. They're hell of efficient. Went to do my EP and convert my driving license at 2 different places today. Spent about half an hour at SIR waiting for them to process, then just about 15 minutes at the traffic police to convert the license. Very fast... I actually expected to wait a few hours. Kudos to them...

Blown out of the sky Still pretty pissed about it. but there's nothing much to do now than to make the best of my situation. One good thing i guess is it forces me to be more serious in what i am doing now. Have to admit i had been slacking off a bit, now gotta buck up. Shitty yes, but not the end of the world.

Threesome Met up with loe and KL for dinner, good as always to meet up, loosen up and hang around. Kinda funny when I was describing to them about this sleepover at sentosa i had, and they both knew at which point i started on the piece i wrote on a previous post. Hahaa u guys are good...

Thursday May 23 2002
Mayday Mayday!
Just got screwed so badly.... so so badly.... *sigh*.... i'm still pretty much in shock that it could happen. Received a call from SIAEC HR this afternoon, bad news indeed.... Apparently, management decided to not select any candidates from the last round of interviewees.... seems they want to conduct another round of interviews with different criteria.....

HUH?? WTF?? u made people go through 3 rounds of interviews, even spent money letting people go for a medical checkup, then tell them that you've made a mistake, and that you're going to start over???? "Yes, i'm sorry, its a management decision." ...... OUCH.....

This is way screwed up man..... At least i'm glad i didn't go fire off my mouth and tell people where i work that i've got an offer.... damn fucking screwed up

Monday May 20 2002
Old Rocker
Was talking to this new colleague of mine who was in his 50s. Apparently, he was quite the rocker in the 1960s, had a full time band for about 7 years. Anyway, he was criticising everybody in his band for not putting in enough effort, and being lousy etc etc... I remember one line very vividly... hehee... here goes, "....the worst one was the bass!..... didn't know his chords at all, keep on just looking at me and copying what i did....... useless!!" heheee... the way he said it was damn funny... struck a chord pretty close to home too.

Feel, don't think. Let the force flow through you I miss the original Star Wars. Maybe its because i watched it when i was still a kid, and the magic somehow felt a lot stronger and i was a lot more easy to impress. But somehow, the new episodes that are coming out just don't carry that particular magical quality which will make me wanna move things with my force powers, use mind tricks on people who irritate me and have me, as quoted from joe, making 'stoopid lightsaber sounds' ....

Well... watched the much awaited Episode 2 over the last weekend. Lots of eye candy i agree. Very nice lightsaber battles. Totally enjoyed the major battle scene where the Jedis were surrounded and outnumbered by the droid army. The major battle between the clone army and the droid army, however was pretty senseless, and looked to me like a scene from Starship Troopers. Master Yoda's lightsaber antics was kinda interesting. Soft spot i always had for him, most interesting, the way he talks.

I'm gonna share something. When i first heard that Yoda will be fighting, i had a mental image of how his fight will go. I thought since given his size and age, there will be constraints on how he moves, so i thought Lucas will actually let Yoda control his lightsaber through his mind powers. So basically, Yoda will just be standing still with his eyes closed, then his ligthsaber will just be dancing around in the air around his opponent. I also thought it would be cool, if Yoda's lightsaber will be a shorter version of Darth Maul's double bladed lightsaber, and that Yoda will control 3 of such lightsabers, which will be moving around the air againts his opponent at the same time.... I thought that will be damn cool... I mean, he IS the MASTER right??

Ok anyway, back to the plot. For much of the love plot between Anakin and Padme, i thought i was watching something straight out of some teen drama like Beverly Hills.... This is one thing i was pretty pissed with Lucas for... Star Wars was never really about this kind of love. Love in the original episodes was subtle and nice. This is just too straight in your face. Not to mention the lousy lines they spew out.The whole way in which they tried to show how Anakin is going to the dark side is not exactly very convincing either.

One thing which enthralled me in the original episodes was the emphasis on how one must not give in to the dark side, and how easy it is for someone to turn bad. It was this and the idea about trusting and acting your instincts which gave a wholly mystical air to Star Wars. (Actually i think it sort of inspired me to do the same in my own life.) I don't know about how others think, but i just do not feel that coming from episodes 1 and 2...

Well, in short, quite disappointing and forgettable... just like any other sci-fi action flick....

Tuesday May 14 2002
Haven't been updating frequently cos too tired when i get back... i understand now why most people just go straight to sleep. Not much things to say anyway, since the all consuming thoughts that come now are always concerning work... i'm sure its kinda boring to read the same complaints again and again.

I'm flying, Jack, I'm flying! The interview went a bit different from all the others i've been to. For a pretty big portion of time, i was discussing psychology with one of the interviewers. He was saying how psychology is being undermined by genetic science, about how geneticists have discovered specific genomes for specific character traits and psychology is now irrelavant. And i was trying to explain for the whole nurture vs nature argument...

Yeah.... i thought it was pretty weird too...

In any case, i guess it went pretty ok. left the place at 12pm, got the call from their HR department 3 hours later :) Dunno about the pay package yet though, and i still have time to make my decision. Cool lah....

Thursday May 8 2002
Big Boss' Daughter
Damn.... this poly girl who came to be attached under me today turned out to be some big director's daughter.... damn sucky.... there i go all eager to meet her. Then it turns out to be some big shot's daughter and i have to do their babysitting for them.... would have been better if not for the fact that she's pretty tomboyish, and looked strong enough to easily outwrestle me to the ground.... but then again, she's a computer geek and gamer, so she's quite cool lah.... but.....
WHY ME?????

My boss is this 38 year old unmarried woman. There is just something about being relatively old and unmarried which drives women to be quite mentally unbalanced, and i think unhappy. In the beginning, i quite liked her, she would come down talk to me... chit chat, etc etc. Now however, i find myself losing a bit of respect for her as i talk more to her. For one thing, she keeps saying she hates gossiping and office politics, but everytime she talks to me, she keeps harping on what other people do, and gossiping behind their backs.... and despite her cheery exterior, i get this feeling that she's pretty bored and unhappy... Incidentally, there's quite a number of unmarried women in their late 30s in my office.... Imagine the combined power of so much raging and unsatisfied hormones...

Paper Qualifications are important..... I think it sucks when you have a lot of working experience, but have to listen to very much younger people with more education than you. There is a very real and big class divide here. People without the relavant education is going to be downtrodden all their lives. Deviants from the norm do appear now and again, but its pretty rare. From what i see now, there are people who struggle all their lives just to get a miserable semi managerial position... i have this security guard under me, who used to do office work before, and i can sort of tell that he's uncomfortable when i tell him to do stuff... its like, he's nearly 40+, old and experienced, but he has to listen to someone like me.... Its real sad.... not to mention pretty uncomfortable for me too.

Wings Second interview next week! woweeee!!

Friday May 3 2002 -job frustrations
Bothers me how people in small companies with small responsibilities and very little pay can be so political and such. its sickening. everybody's telling me to be careful of such and such person, telling me what this fella did to this fella, and that i have to be careful they would complain about little stuff i did to the boss up above. Especially since i'm new and totally blur. damn frustrating to hear, even more sickening when people start chumming it out with other people whom they have just condemned. Maybe this is just human nature, maybe i do it too without realising it.

So friendly on the surface, but all the hidden snickering underneath. welcome to the real world? i decided i am not going to care abt all this, just do my job, be careful, if pple gossip, so be it lah... i dun think i'm gonna stay long here anyway. All the talk about wanting to change the department's directive from the guy who hired me seems to be a whole load of crap, so far no change. Talk cock only. Hire me to make him look pretty.

Ahh... crap man.... even if there are babes around, doesn't really justify me staying and wasting my time. Lets hope i earn my wings.

Wednesday May 1 2002 -Luke, Wah Si Lin Lao Peh
Received this damn funny Star Wars spoof yesterday. Imagine Star Wars, in HOKKIEN! Super damn funny. Laugh like hell whenever i listen to it again. Goes like this:

Darth Vader : Luke, Wah si Lin Lao Peh
Luke Skywalker : Boh Ko leng! boh ko leng! Wah lao peh si liao!!
Darth Vader : Lu kaki sio kua mai, lu jiu eh chai yah si chin yeh!
Luke Skywalker : Aaahhhhhhh!!!

File is too big to upload, icq me for it..... confirm chio kah peng!!

Monday April 29 2002
Globalization of popular culture undermines traditional culture in societies. Discuss.
Feels like GP all over again man... Answered this question for this written test i had today for SIA. This was the only question i think i could do, the others were asking about ecommerce and market forces, pretty foreign concepts to me. Damn tiring, the whole test was 6 freaking hours, nearly fell asleep after the essay. The rest of the test were mcqs on critical thinking, some math questions, and something like an IQ test.

Needless to say, i think i probably screwed up the math part. Cannot lah... Calculate interest on bank XX on interest rate of YY% for account ZZ. HUH?? 1 orange costs $A and Ahmad got X dollars and Ah Meng got Y dollars, how much more must Ah Meng earn to buy 5 more oranges than Ahmad? HUH??? Can use calculator?? Yeah, like i said, i've got Dyscalculia.

Anyway, hopefully this goes through... of the selected 7 for the test, only 4 turned up, that gives me a 1 in 4 chance, and from what i've heard they need more than one candidate... hmmm...if it does go through, i see ship jumping on the horizon hehe...

Saturday April 27 2002 -Film Fest
Came back yesterday night at around 4am from supper and a mini movie marathon on 2 shows. Damn tired, but i couldn't sleep.. Was still feeling bit freakish from the semi-horror film i watched. Tossed in bed, got up watch tv, finally tried reading before i was able to doze off. i never quite had the stomach for scary shows

Raw Deal -A Question of Consent Honestly didn't think the whole film was going to be a 90 minute long documentary. Kept thinking "ok... when do ugly people get off the screen and beautiful people come on?" I quote the official review from the website :

"Lisa Geir King, a stripper hired for the party, claimed she was raped by a student, and that his frat house brother videotaped the incident. After viewing the tape, the police arrested her for filing a false report. After some controversy, the police took the unprecedented step of making the tape public. This film, which was the toast of Sundance, includes the said video footage."

The film was, i think good because it doesn't make a definite standpoint and allows the viewer to make their own decisions by watching the video and making conclusions by the various interviews with the state attorneys, lawyers, the frat boys, police officers, the woman in question Lisa Geir King and her family. Interestingly, this feminist group who was very vocal during the proceedings of this case, refused to give an interview to the producers of the film unless they were paid $5000 and given a percentage share in the profits (which basically induces a BIG 'Hmmmmm..' as to their credibility.)

Ok anyway, what happened (as i see it) was that these boys of a university fraternity house, Delta Chi were holding some sort of initiation rite for newcomers and one thing on the agenda were exotic dances by strippers. (all following "events" derived from the actual home video shot by 2 cameras by the guys) So far so good, nothing wrong with having a little fun. The guys are pretty much wasted with alcohol, the girls come, they strip, they do lap dances, lots of nudity... the initiation rites require some licking of certain parts... err.. go figure. So its a wild night, everybody seems to be having willing, paid and consensual fun.

The alleged rape happens after the other stripper leaves, but Lisa heads back to get her belongings which she left in the house. It becomes pretty ambiguous here, but from the video clip she stripped, got into the pool with 2 guys, then there's this rather generous clip of her making out with this guy called mike whom she says raped her.

I think the issue that comes into question here is the definition of rape, which the film actually asks in the title "a question of consent". If rape is sex without consent, then most people, including me will agree that Lisa Geir King was raped. Wait wait... before i get slammed, it isn't that simple... The truth was, the way Lisa behaved in the video prior to the rape didn't really add to the her credibility. From what i saw, she was nude most of the time when she didn't need to, she seemed to be fondling the guys and enjoying it, and she said things which could be very easily interpreted as a 'come on' for sex. And she did look like she wanted to get laid in the beginning, but changed her mind halfway...

I guess the amount of intoxication these people were under basically undermines all their credibility and it is really difficult to establish as to what really happened. I doubt the people involved themselves had a clear idea of what they were doing. I have a feeling that they only had a vague idea of what happened, and it is only after viewing the tapes and the physical evidence of what they did, then they started thinking "hmmm... i don't really remember, but seeing me on the video i think i did this because....". There's a whole lot of issues and angles to view the situation from the video and i think everybody left the theatre with a slightly different version of the 'truth', which i think is a winning point of this film.

Quite disturbing at some points, but i think it was good. Yeah, in case you think otherwise, REAL people are fat, ugly, with distended bellies and floppy breasts. Not quite Sylvia and Rocco if thats what you were thinking about.

Pulse For once, I am actually glad that the audience in the theater watching this show with me were loud, irritating and often laughing inappropriately at the scariest parts. I don't think i can tahan another jap horror movie after watching "The Ring".

This movie starts off as a rather promising horror movie with one person hanging himself. From the beginning, the scary mood is set complete with dark gloomy sets, ghostly faces reflected off computer screens and glass surfaces, and unsettling scary ghostly music. There isn't really a plot to talk about though... this is where i feel the movie starts going wrong. The movie is ostensibly about loneliness, about how human beings live together but are yet so seperate and lonely and the ghosts somehow represent a link to eternal loneliness in death. But i feel that the mixing of the ghostly apparitions pretty much undermines the theme of loneliness. I didn't know what to concentrate on, ghosts or loneliness.

The ghosts here looks and move surprisingly like Sadako from "The Ring" complete with the staggering/ nearly-falling walk of Sadako. One difference is they are usually clad in black and usually appears from amorphous blotches of black color on walls.

The plot here is just too weird and disjointed to describe, i don't even know where to start. Try this website

Thursday April 25 2002
Thursday 10.30pm on Arts Central, Coupling. Pretty funny british comedy about relationships between 3 men who don't want to get married and 3 women who do. Feels sort of like a Friends ripoff, complete with hangouts at the cafe. The plots are pretty corny, but i love their lines. One of the men were talking about marriage, he said "Marriage.... you know.. its like death, you know its coming... but you get uncomfortable when people start talking about dates." HAhaa... hilarious...

Jedi Knight Any gaming fan of star wars would love this game. Been playing the multiplayer for this online... damn fun... its a lightsaber battle dream come alive complete with cool force powers... damn cool lah... I Luuuurve Star Wars

First impressions counts Was re-reading one of my old psychology texts on Industrial and Organizational Psychology. Came across a line which i think would be pretty helpful to all of us looking to step into the "real world" for the first time... i quote:

"Your entry into an organization is of immense importance not only for the immediate satisfaction it brings you -or fails to bring you- but also for your long term happiness.... your first job experience can affect your expectations about future jobs and your performance throughout your career. Whether troubling or successful, .... your first job can affect similar experiences for some time to come. A study of managerial, professional, and technical employees of a large oil company found that those who demonstrated success early in their career were more likely to be promoted than those who were less successful early in their career.In other words, employees who started out well, who had positive experiences early in their working life, continued to do well.

The amount of challenge your first job provides influences your feelings of commitment to your work, your level of achievement and your motivation to perform well on the job. The positive impact of initial job challenge stimulates a high level of performance and technical competence that leads to continued success.

Finding the right amount of challenge is of major importance in your organizational entry process. It is vital that the challenge offered by your first job be compatible with your expectations and preferences. Indeed it is crucial to you and your employer that everything about your initial job comes close to satisfying your needs."

Hmm.... puts a bit more perspective on my own situation, and the job i'm currently looking at and whether i really should take it up, assuming my textbook is right in the first place......

Tuesday April 23 2002
Millenium Actress -
Watched this over the weekend. Wanted to catch at least one Japanese anime as part of the film fest... Well... i didn't think it was that good...

Plot is in present time, and about this small time producer, Tachibana making a documentary on an actress Chiyoko who was famous around the 1950s. So Tachibana and his funny cameraman visits Chiyoko and interviews her. Bits of her life unravels as the interview continues and the memory of what happened comes physically to life onscreen, with Tachibana and his cameraman as not so silent commentators. The movie skips from memory to present very interestingly with several cameo roles by Tachibana which comes out as pretty comedic.

Anyway, the reason why Chiyoko becomes an actress was because of a chance encounter with an fugitive activist painter whom she shelters from the police. The young and necessarily impressionable Chiyoko is taken with the dreamy "vision" of escapism of the activist and falls in love with him. The activist gives a key as remembrance to Chiyoko, and leaves abruptly for Machuria the next morning, leaving Chiyoko pretty much lovesick. Right about this time however, a film producer wants Chiyoko to act in his films in Manchuria, and TADAAA... Chiyoko decides to accept the offer so she could go to Manchuria and look for the owner of the key and the man of her dreams.

This continual search for the owner of the key is the main subject for the rest of the show. The director of Millenium Actress interestingly interweaves "reality" into the movies which Chiyoko does. Every single one of her movies be it ancient samurai films or modern rocket sci-fi depicts her in a role of a woman going to look for a man in a fulfilment of a promise that i don't think was ever made... There's also an uncanny reference to this ghostly old woman who pops up recurringly, invisible to others but Chiyoko and tells Chiyoko she loves her, but hates her and that she'll suffer from love forever. The siginificance of that totally flew by me. Something about inner demons i think.

Going into the more abstract parts of the movie, i think the key here is symbolic of a search of a dream, in this case, Love, but i think the movie tries to suggest it is more a search of a dream in Life. The question here is also what will the key open? In other words, the key is the key to what? Throughout the show, the audience is left in suspense as to the outcome, of whether Chiyoko will find the man of her dreams, and what symbolic representations the key has. Ahh..... here comes the master stroke.... turns out the man died in prison long ago, and all this while Chiyoko has been chasing after a shadow all along. But as Chiyoko admits in the dramatic ending before she dies "after all...... (dramatic music here)....... it was really the chase i was in love with....."

So.... all illusion crumbles, and the movie does make a weird sort of sense... The total love part is kinda irritating (which is why i didn't like it that much in the first place), but i guess its a necessary distraction. Hmm.. reviewing it and thinking through the concepts now.. it does seem to be pretty cool.. I sit slightly corrected.

Monday April 22 2002 -Waiting
Hai.. still another week to go before getting my EP, getting a bit restless... feels like something screwy will go wrong...

Salman Rushdie Was reading Midnight's Children by him, he writes in a very distracting manner which jumps from scene to scene which basically left me pretty lost and asleep on the sofa after about half an hour. Wanted to actually borrow The Satanic Verses and see what the fuss is all about, but i should have known better than to search a public library for it.

Thursday April 18 2002 -Nicotine Heaven
Came home smelling of smoke and nicotine induced bliss after dinner with Kheng, KL, Bummer, Loe, Lian and Fonsus. It was kinda fun talking about nothing in particular, and i guess more importantly, catching up. Finally understood what KL meant by "nang nang nang" and his references to the 6 million dollar man.... Sorry lah, u're too cryptic. Cool, lets meet up again some time.

another take on life I guess having a job offer now changes my life a bit now, well, for one thing it gives me something to aim for, something for me to work upon and towards, a 'goal' in a sense? I remember this conversation i had with darren once, we were talking about how a person would 'degenerate' in a sense without a job, or i think more importantly, without a goal.

Sometimes i think about these issues and i wonder if a job is something more than just money and well... a job. Maybe amongts all this struggle in this money induced world, there is a deeper meaning to a 'job'. Maybe we need a job i.e something to do, in order to survive. I remember this theory floated by the movie Matrix about it being impossible for mankind to live in a virtual utopia where all is provided for and there is nothing to do but live. Maybe the whole point of life is the struggle for survival. Without that struggle, maybe there won't be a life to speak of.

So while i complain about having to work my ass off for the rest of my life for a pointless pursuit.... Maybe the job, the pursuit and the struggle for survival is all that is keeping me mentally and spiritually alive. Taking a hypothetical situation in which one day i achieve all my dreams and desires, i would most probably lose the will to live because i will have nothing more to look forward to. So, the point i'm trying to suggest is that while we all strive to achieve the private utopia where we all want to go to, the whole idea of life is the hardship and journey to utopia, and we must never ever reach it. Or even if we do, we have to create another utopia to look forward to, otherwise we'll have reached the end of life as we know it. Hmmm.... am i making sense here?

I guess thats why retirees, even when they're financially secure, feel a need to find a job or something else to do, because thats the only way they can feel alive. Maybe this all is a process towards the end, but never about the end. Maybe Life is just about the journey, and the destination doesn't really matter.

Wednesday April 17 2002
Brain quite dead... too much games... gotta play all i can before i start work right?

Sunday April 14 2002 -Random
Been staying at home quite a bit these days, not feeling well and everything. Had all the time to read and watch DVD.

Anyway, watched this yesterday. Pretty weird... interesting story and screenplay though. Plot is about this guy, Leonard, whose wife got raped and killed. During the "incident", he gets injured in the head and develops a "condition" which makes him unable to remember short term memory. As such, he remembers everything before the incident, but everything after is a clean slate. He does remember his wife was killed, and the entire movie is about his consuming desire to find the killer and avenge his wife.

So he goes around taking polaroids of people he sees, places he's been to, and make notes on them. His whole body is filled with tattoos with words reminding him who he was, and what he is doing. The movie is shot in a 'backward' way, it shows the ending and bit by bit, it slowly reveals the past of what happened. Totally bizarre, but damn effective, i was having trouble remembering what was happening myself.

There was this funny moment, when his memory 'resets' and he finds himself running, and he doesn't know why, so he's thinking "ok.... what am i doing now... i'm running... why am i running..... (sees this guy running a distance away from him) ok i'm running after him.... (chases after the guy, the guy draws a gun and starts shooting leonard) no, i'm running AWAY from him." Hahaa.... the situational comedy is damn funny...

The puzzling thing was the ending. I was totally confused, turns out to suggest that Leonard's wife wasn't dead, and Leonard has been imagining things all this while.... I don't understand... someone who's watched the movie enlighten me please.

To Kill a Mockingbird
Finished this yesterday too, good book about prejudice, hypocrisy, black-white inter-relationships and courage in the face of adversities in America in the 1930s. The story is seen through the eyes of the children of a white lawyer, who steps up to defend a black man accused of raping a white girl.

Reading the book, i feel that the emphasis wan't really on whether the black man was indeed innocent. But rather, the author was trying to tell the reader about the preset prejudices of the white community and the hypocrisy with which society sometimes conduct itself. Pretty good, recommended if you have the time. Interestingly, i saw this book in a website once with the title "Tequila Mockingbird", it sounds the same as the original if you read it loud.... i wonder what that's about

The Job?
Yeah, its more or less confirmed, unless i get a better offer in the next few days (unlikely). Will start work in 2 weeks once i get all my documentations done...

Wednesday April 10 2002 - FilmFest
Went today with Joe to buy the tix for the shows i'm watching. So many to choose from, so little money... Quite a few of the tix are sold out, and some of the weird ones are still pending approval of the censorship board. I hope they're approved.

Am watching Millenium Actress - Jap anime; Pulse -film about alienation and isolation among youths (i think it may be a horror film, shown at midnight..) ; Wanted to catch Japanese Devils but the tix are sold out, and Visitor Q and Raw Deal is still pending on the censor's decision.

Sunday April 7 2002 -Phlegm
I hate swimming in crowded pools with lots of screaming kids. For one thing, its damn difficult to manouvre around, and for another, pools look a lot dirtier, with more floating pieces of unknown origin moving dangerously near your mouth as you surface to breathe. The final straw for me was this middle aged man, who paused mid-breast-stroke (for one swim-pede of children swimming breadth-wise), shook his head, gargled and spit a healthy wad of foam covered spittle into the water. I never swam that fast in my life....

I've always tried to keep the view that such matters were all i the mind. If you do not think its dirty, there's no problem with it at all. After all taking in mind that the stuff came out harmlessly from a person's body, its really not that big a problem ingesting it right? Hell, it might even be a much needed boost of protein. I mean, taking a look at matters of 'hygiene' from a purely scientific and biological point of view. That wad of phlegm is simply mucus with ample helpings of micro-organisms and bacteria, which although might be slightly harmful to the body, would probably not kill you, it probably wouldn't even cause a stomachache.

Ever watched "Fear Factor"? Contestants are required to do crazy stuff to overcome their fear. One episode i caught required the contestants to eat a glass of earthworms. It was kind of gross, seeing this guy who managed to eat all of them, but actually vomitted into his still-closed mouth, and to see him (very bravely) swallow his own puke... I mean, everybody knows (in the purely logical and biological sense) that such stuff can be eaten since people do eat uncommonc stuff in various parts of the world, but its just the mental state which somehow prevents a person from doing so.

Maybe this is an evolutionary instinct, I mean the non-desire to eat uncommon stuff. Maybe together with instincts like the adrenaline rush and sex, it developed as a automatic response to a situation which is there to ensure our survival (exemplified by the emotion of disgust). Maybe there really is something wrong with swallowing that piece of phlegm, or eating worms, or all of the other 'disgusting' things people do. In any case, despite me trying to see this in a 'scientific and logical' way, i bowed down to disgust, and got the hell out of the pool.

Friday April 5 2002 -Movies
Beautiful mind meh?
Watched this Oscar winning show yesterday. Frankly I don't think it deserved the Oscar awards it was given. While watching the show, i kept having this nagging thought that this movie is so unreal. A story of a reclusive mathematics genius, whose theories had wide ranging influences on the other academic subjects, who marries a beautiful wife, subsequently goes schizophrenic and recovers sufficiently in time to get pens from wowed colleagues and a Nobel prize.

No doubt this movie is based on on the real life of John Nash, but the movie has i think, portrayed Nash as a very 1 dimensional, flat character whose acting gets increasingly irritating. It didn't help that Nash was played by Russell Crowe, who i believe tried his best. I'm probably biased, but his character from Gladiator keep coming to mind. Comes across as pretty unconvincing..... Jennifer Connely looks good, but i feel that her role as the long-suffering-i-will-stay-by-you-until-you-recover wife was quite 'flat' too. Not to mention the damn corny way she was introduced to the people watching the show, i could almost feel the ill-concealed 'Waahhhs' that the scene was supposed to evoke.

But, I thought the play on the fictional characters of the 'prodigal roommate', his niece and the 'government man in the hat' due to his schizophrenic delusions was pretty interesting though. The idea for the portrayal isn't exactly new, but it quite reminded me of the Matrix....

Water Boys
Watched this feel good jap movie last week, damn funny. Had me laughing so hard at some points. I remember seeing a short report on CNA about the actual school and the boys on which this movie is based on. They were dancing on the side of the pool, and at one point pulled down their trunks to about half of their butts and waved it in front of hundreds of screaming japanese girls... One line i remembered from the movie goes something like "better to be a fool now, than to feel useless all your life." Pretty good show. Go watch.

Tuesday April 2 2002 -Qing Ming Hangover
I didn't realize it was Qing Ming until i went back for the weekend, and followed my parents to 'sweep tombs'. Led me thinking.. sometime in the future, i would need to do this for my parents... but the lingering question is, would i remember? would i even know how to do it? To be honest, I would probably have passed the day in oblivion if my parents had not dragged me along. And even if i remembered, i would have no idea of how to go about 'sweeping the tombs'.

Elaborate rituals concerned with this day has stopped passing down, we stopped wanting to learn. I wouldn't know what offerings to buy, what kind of incense sticks and 'paper money' to buy and in what quantity these should be offered and in what order. When i was younger, this was a sort of a more family affair, and everybody would have to endure the hot sun and manual labour of cleaning the gravesite, but now with excuses of 'too busy', 'cannot take leave' etc etc... it has become more a labor just between my parents. (that i happened to come back at this period was just a coincidence).

I could feel somehow my parents are worried, that if they go one day, would their children come to sweep their tombs? Or would we just forget and be 'too busy'. Its not a matter of useless tradition i feel, that even with religious convictions which may frown on such practices or overall beliefs on the existantiality of humankind, but really more a matter of reassurances to the living. For even if i might not believe in it, my parents do. And it would make them feel a lot better if they believed that their children did too.

But, its not just Qing Ming alone, its all the other chinese traditions which i think will dissapear once our parent's generation pass on. Festivals and traditions like "Dong Zhi", or even common festivals like the mooncake festival, the "bak chang" festival (sorry can't remember the name, Duan Wu issit?). Would we even remember them if our parents were not here to remind us of them? I guess the underlying question is, would we do the same for our kids what our parents did for us?

Maybe, at the heart of all this, is the question of relevance. Other than the gourmet connotations which these festivals bring, these dates have no other relavance in our lives. We don't care about qu yuan and how he killed himself and the emperor in a show of loyalty, neither do we care that Dong Zhi is a sort of pre-celebration to the Chinese New Year (i think, correct me if i'm wrong), its not relavant to our lives, it doesn't affect the pay raise or our exam grades. But then again, we do 'celebrate' things like Christmas or New Year's Day, what relevance do they have in our lives?

Waxing unpleasantly
To be precise, ear wax, and to be more precise, getting it sucked out of your ears. Very unpleasant..... Keep your ears clean you hear?

An explanation perhaps?
Hmm... maybe an explanation is in order about the previous post i made, and the recent constipated state of this column. Hmm... lets just say that on my continuing journey of self discovery, I've learnt some old facts about myself, which in my subconcious I've known all along, but which i've put in denial. I can't say that i'm a totally changed man, i'm trying to, but i think these things need a little more time. I'm trying to be more realistic in my viewpoint now.

Saturday March 30 2002
Quite a few things have been happening to me recently... Gotta stop writing all the crappy stuff I've been writing all along until i can figure out some things...

Saturday March 23 2002 -Xiao Mao
Met this beautiful female in the corridor of E3 when i went back to hall for a visit. XiaoQin was gracious enough to be willing to introduce us, but she was fast asleep when we approached and was shy for a moment. But i persisted, and soon my eager fingers were running all over her soft young body. She had large compassionate eyes and was of a form so frail you felt instinctively protective over her. Being strangers mere minutes before, we were uncertain and awkward at first, but in time we made sport carelessly amongts the cold metal super-structure of tall forbidding clothes racks and loosely hanging laundry. She toyed playfully with my fingertips and scratched lightly across the back of my hand, while i, being careful not to use excessive strength, caressed her back gently.

It was a rare moment of unbridled innocence, and me knowing that XiaoQin had a digicam, requested a physical permanence to remember this overture by. Again he graciously agreed. She purred protestingly as i held her up againts my chest, putting her in unnatural positions which no doubt were slightly uncomfortable for her. I tried to comfort her while XiaoQin fretted over the lighting conditions, requesting that we pose over and over again for a particular shot. By and by, we were done, and she pranced gratefully away, tiring of me and my amorous flirtations, and presently retired to bed. It was late, and i reluctantly said my goodbyes and left for home. She was fast asleep by then, i didn't want to wake her and left quietly, my mind already reminiscing on the brief but memorable time we spent together, and my heart already hoping, one day to relive this moment again.

See pictures of our nocturnal tryst here. thanks to XiaoQin for bearing with me.

(Note: This is really wierd... i started out actually wanting to make this piece sound like something out of a B-grade teen sex flick movie (with references to unnatural positions). But somehow or other, i started spewing forth corny 19th Century romantic literature and i couldn't stop... Wierd... But anyway i quite enjoyed writing this piece. Reminds me of my JC literature classes. Please go view the pictures.)

Friday March 22 2002-Assorted stuff
Was reading about this girl in the Straits Times today with this disorder, i love the way medical people keep coming up with explanations with what is wrong with us. So now, (this goes out to KL as well), when people ask me i can tell them, not its not that i'm bad at maths, but i'm actually afflicted with a disease calledi Dyscalculia! haha..

ok some of the symptoms read here that person with this disorder may have "Inability to recall schedules.... may be chronically late.. Inconsistent results in addition, subtraction, multiplication and division.. gets lost or disoriented easily... poor athletic coordination..." hehee i wonder what my C Math teacher would have said if this information was available when i was still in JC. Maybe she would have been more sympathetic to my record never-seen-before-in NJ 1/50 test score....

Shows to watch Been catching the 9pm Channel 8 show recently Viva La Familie. Quite hilarious. The main theme is of family relationships and this retired father trying to deal with his children growing up, and coming to terms with their success or failures. Relationships are developed well and i particularly like the cat fights between the elder daughter-in-law and the 2nd Daughter-in-law. Quarrels about extravagant electricity bills and who has to wash the plates seems trivial, but i believe could be everyday issues that happen in some families. Totally laughed my heart out when yesterdays episode closed with the 2nd daughter in law freaking out over a $375 electricity bill.

Another show is Son of the Beach, damn funny parody of baywatch. With names like B.J Cummings, an anti-hero called Notch Johnson, and conversations that goes:

Babe: Notch, i want to make love to you badly
Notch: Sure honey, i can make love to you, badly.

I don't know about you, but corny humor and a high bikini clad body count works for me :) Son of the Beach shows every Thursday midnight, on Channel i.

Sites to read I found this site a few days ago. Pretty good reading site with quite a few classic reads. I just finished HG Wells The Time Machine. Will go on to Stories of Thousand and One Nights next. Very good selection of old but good books. Got time go try, you might want to print it out first though, reading on the monitor is pretty taxing on the eyes.

Thursday March 21 2002 -Self Reflection
Societal values can change a person. The problem with people who live in Singapore is that they're so cooped up in their shell that they cannot understand or shall i say, refuse to understand why things are done differently elsewhere.

This was what i felt intensely as i did my secondary and JC education here. My classmates were continually interrogating me about why, there are so much traffic jams in JB, why the cars there emit so much smoke, why the telephone ring tone sounds like an engaged tone, why there's no street lights along some stretches of the North South Highway (sooooo dangerous, Singapore EVERYWHERE got street lights one) etc etc. The reason to me was simple and clear. It is so, because it is NOT Singapore. I think people have to understand that there are differences in different parts of the world, and just because you happen to stay in a more affluent part does not mean that all the other parts have to emulate your 'successful' culture and values and you cannot expect things to be done in exactly the same way. The question here, is i feel, of hubris. Too much of it.

I remember telling myself back then that I'll keep an open mind and i would not be such a person, that i'll not be bigoted and biased, that i'll be compassionate and understanding. I held that viewpoint until last week, when i was discussing with my father on some of his business plans, and i was protesting on the way he was conducting his business, commenting that some of the things he was doing was inefficient and inconclusive. He suddenly stopped and told me "son, you've been spending too much time in Singapore, you must understand that things are different here.."Then it strucked me. Has living in Singapore for the past 6 years changed me that much? Got me thinking about the person i wanted to be and what i had become. Am i, in my father's eyes particular and complaining, and like what a newspaper survey discovered about JB-ians view of Singaporeans, arrogant? I hope not, but if it is... what a sad relavation...

Alternative impressions on life
Quite a few years ago, I took a taxi from this Malay taxi driver in JB whose words stuck quite firmly in my mind. He first asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up. i told him dunno, maybe business. Then he said, you chinese are all very different from us malays, all want to do business and earn big money. For us, its different, we just want something simple, maybe fishing, farming... we'll be happy and contented with that. Honestly at that point, i was thinking to myself that this self contentment and 'laziness' was probably why most of the malay folk are more economically backward and poorer.

But as i pondered on the question again, i think maybe they've been right all along and we were wrong. For us, success in life hinges on the attainment of wealth and recognition. We've been taught to earn good grades, be the best in class, get a good education, a good job and earn lots of money. That is our singular point for living, and in our arrogance we laugh at social groups who do not achieve that and attribute their failure to inherent 'laziness' within the social group.

But, think for once on an alternative perspective. Think on a different definition on success, where happiness is contrived from family unity, stability, and an easy pace of life which allows one to do whatever he wants and the contentment and self fulfilment that follows. If you think about it, they do what films like to portray as the "important things in life" -not just success and working hard, but things like family, relationships and doing things which you like rather than doing things which earn you a lot of money. Although usually poorer, they are happy, and isn't being happy one major part of life?

And yet we look down on them for it. Maybe we've been wrong all along, that our priorities have been set on the wrong values which gives us a false sense of achievement, when really, they are the people who really understand what life should be and they are happy for it. And maybe therein lies our problem, we worry most of the times about money and getting more of it, and is unhappy most of the times when we don't get it. They on the other hand, are not that concerned about it as long as they have enough to live by and are contented and happy with the simple things in life not dictated by money. Could it be that we have been wrong all along?

(i realise that this could be quite a sensitive issue, if any have been offended, please email me, i'll take it down right away. I want to clarify a few points though.
1. When i refer to the malays, i refer to them as a social group based on culture rather than on skin color. I do not believe that characteristics are inherent to skin color or genes, but i believe that certain characteristics are built through culture.
2. i do not mean for this piece to be offensive to anybody, just my usual pukey stuff.)

Friday March 15 2002- New Layout!
New Layout! Ok its nothing much, but did spend me sometime coming up with it. Notice the feeble attempt to decorate by drawing 2 parallel lines, and putting in a decorative font for the Title. Anyway, am gonna stick with this for a while.

New sections came out. I've put in a quote section where you'll see quotes from people I know and some others whom I don't know. Will change everytime you refresh and I'll keep adding in as i get it. Also put in a voting booth, will change questions every fortnightly or so. Also did away with film reviews because I think i will comment whatever i watch in this column anyway. Problem is loading time seems to be quite a bit longer. Will see what i can do to solve it.

Haven't been writing much else in this column, been in a loafing daze recently with not much brain processes being carried out. Anyway, gonna go back JB for the weekend, maybe will have something to write by next week.

Monday March 11 2002- Miss Universe Singapore 2002
Managed to catch this show yesterday, I could say that this show is all about the assertion of the feminine role in society, that it is a celebration of the female physique, "a celebration of feminity", and as one contestant so aptly puts it, that it is a competition where women "dare to reign, be the queen", and that I watch it for all the above reasons to enrich my own little personal world with ideals of equality and "girrrrrrll powerrrrrr".

But no. Lets be honest.

The truth is, like 95% of the male population, i like looking at beautiful women. Thats it. Human nature, pure and simple. The 5% who say they do not, are liars, hypocrites and errmm... the alternatives...

Friday March 8 2002- How did they do that??
I gotta admit, making a visually appealing website is not as easy as I thought it was. I've been surfing through some of the local weblogs, and i must say i'm damn impressed! Beautifully crafted websites, with cool flash animation, nice buttons, nice layouts.....either the people who did this are really talented, or i'm missing some crucial step or program. Saw this blog page by this 15 year old girl, damn nice! and she's only 15! Makes me feel damn uncool man... all i'm able to do on this is just simple layers and text, maybe some pictures... *sigh*. Oh by the way, i started out trying to make a weblog, but gave it up cos i dun really have anything interesting to say everyday and i don't feel that comfortable telling people how i feel on a daily basis.

Wednesday March 6 2002- "Ikinai" (translated-not to live)
Was watching this Jap show on Arts Central just now, "Ikinai". Was about this group of people who are in debt, people who've reached the end of their lifes, and they come together to end it. The plan was to book a tour bus, and carry on as usual, and crash the bus over some cliff and make it seem like an accident, claim some insurance, so that those who live on might benefit from it and start a new life. So far so good, complications occur when an innocent girl who knows nothing about their suicide plan comes on board. As the day passes, she invariably awakens the desire to live amongts the suiciders. The moral dilemma is then, whether they should still carry out their plan, killing the young girl in the process, or let her go and jeapordize the insurance claims which they had planned so hard for.

I didn't manage to catch the whole show, but at one point, one of the protaganists of the suicide plan asked the innocent young girl "Do you know what it is to live? not just why you live, but what it means to live?" Struck me then as a pretty poignant statement, that to live can be so painful that a person might want to end it. I think everybody, has at one point in time paused and asked "Is this worth it? Where is this all leading to? Does it have to be so difficult? Is there an alternative to living? Is it just about finding a job, earn money, get that promotion, get a wife, procreate, see the kids to university, get your CPF, retire, and die happily ever after?"

For a person who does not believe in God, or spirits, reincarnation, life after death, what does the question of not living entail? I think the answer is personal, so here is my personal answer, the alternative to living would be a state of non-existance. When we live, we exist, we think, we feel, albeit for a small millisecond in cosmic time, but we exist. To not exist, thats a frightening thought. To be nothing at all, no ghost, no spirit, no angels in heaven or whatever, just be nothing, to not exist, to not think, a deletion of a memory, thats frightening.

What then is the meaning of life in a world ungoverned by a 'higher being', where in the real world, doing good deeds would not always bring good results, "bad" people don't always end up "bad", where technically speaking there is no such thing as morality other than the preconceived majority ideas which we adhere to. I don't have a definite answer to that yet, but I hope to find out soon.

Sunday March 3 2002- Human Jungle
Hmm... this column is becoming my think piece for whatever i'm reading or watching... realized that whatever thoughts comes into my mind, I gotta put it down on paper fast before the 'feeling' passes. Watched Amelie about a week back, splendid movie which made me pause for thought. Actually had a lot of things to comment, but procrastination has made me forget most of them. No worries however, got the dvd rip. Will write after I finish watching it again.

Anyway, what I'm writing now is in relation to this book I'm reading now called "Human Jungle". Its about how human beings have adapted to living in the city. It outlines things that we already unconciously know and do, but its interesting to see it explained in a more scientific and logical manner.

Really interesting things, for example the "middle distance stare" which we all adopt when we're walking in the street, is actually a defence mechanism which we adopt to prevent overloading our senses. Because a glance or stare is a prelude to a verbal conversation, if we look at everybody we see on the road, we might be seen as trying to talk to all of them, which is impossible given the amount of human traffic which will pass by, i.e overloading our senses.

Another thing which I found interesting was that we as a city community have developed a certain system of doing things. Even walking on the streets is systemized, try walking on the street at 8am in the morning in the city area, and you notice that there are strict conventions going on. People walk only on one side of the street, and people keep the same pace in order to cooperate in getting somewhere fast. When people enter the lift, they invariably stand facing the door and maintain the middle distance stare. Anything not done within the confines of the system is frowned upon. Next time try facing the opposite direction when you enter the lift, and see what kind of reactions you will get.

Have you ever been in a situation when you were walking along a crowded pathway, and you suddenly realize that you're walking in the wrong direction and you want to turn back. Often you try to offer an "explanation" like looking at your watch, muttering something about the 'wrong direction'. It is as if you're offering explanations to people you're walking with, people who are total strangers. It is as if you know you're being watched and assessed in a potentially embarrassing situation. The explanation is that you are being watched, city people are voyeurs and people watching is one of our dominant sport. I mean come on, how many of you actually got a kick out of watching the Chu Mei Feng video? I'm not proud of it but i did, and I'm being honest.

Was talking to my brother the other day, and he was telling me another aspect of cities. The city, he explains is very much like a human body, with diversified organs serving to keep it alive. There are several ways to kill a body, and you do not need to kill off every single organ or body, you just need to kill off certain parts. Similarly to the city, you do not need to kill every single person to destroy a city, you just need to kill off the important parts. One part he mentioned was the sewage system. Destroy that, and the city will eventually die... Hmm... imagine one day when you toilets don't work. Shit doesn't flush away, you bathe and the water remains, multiply that by the number of people in your household, and you probably won't be able to stay at your house after 3 days... shitty situation :)


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Saturday April 6 2002
Phew! Another layout... Learnt quite a few stuff while doing this. The quick tag editor in Dreamweaver is a pretty good tool. Originally wanted to use CSS, but somehow the effects do not come out when i upload, so i gave it up. Removed the games section, I play too many games too fast to really keep track, and i'm just too lazy to write on every single one of them. Put up a links section. Other sections are more or less the same.

Sunday March 24 2002
No further updates on the web structure since the layout change on March 15th. Added in 2 new quotes, refresh this page until you get it. Am running out of ideas of what else to add in, or how else to change the layout. Have got an idea for a short flash clip though.

Wednesday March 13 2002
Solved the guestbook problem, updated Verbal Puke. Added in a new counter, got it from loe's site too, hope u dun mind. Did a new review on Return to Castle Wolfenstein.

Tuesday March 12 2002
Added in a Guestbook, thanks loe for the suggestion. Problem is, somehow it only appears on my main page, it somehow disappears on my other pages... Will try to figure out the problem and get it up on the rest. Just got back from JB for the weekend, so no other updates yet.

Thursday March 7 2002
Changed the background and font color, i think now it is in a more reader-ble format. Added in the Interactivity!! page. This will be my main platform for trying out whatever i'm learning, mainly in the form of Javascript and Flash. I'm just going to dump whatever i learn there and think about what to do with the knowledge later. Added in some more stuff at Verbal Puke.

Added in this nifty count-up clock on the left, yeah the one which says Day XX, shows how long have i started on this project, COOL javascript :). Also reset the counter.

Friday March 1 2002
Its been a week plus since I embarked on this website. Still a lot of things are missing, i still know nuts about webpage interactivity, but at least now something is shaping up.

Thanks to my dear sis for showing me the way of the 'dots dots' and the 'slash slash'. Relative links are daunting for the uninitiated.

One thing, don't be fooled by the counter, i don't actually have 200 over hits, most of the time its just me clicking to check whether my links are working :P

Monday February 25 2002
Done up games content page, and added another games review on "Helbreath- The Crusade"

Tuesday February 19 2002
Added in some screenshots to the MOH game review.

Loe's as poseur as can be...


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