"Son of a-" The newspaper machine stubbornly refused to either give up a paper or refund his thirty-five cents. Damek kicked the machine. It clunked satisfactorily, rocking back and forth and casting odd, leering shadows. Oddly enough, it wasn't chained to anything. He rocked it, trying to force the door open. It wouldn't open. He scowled at the squat, blue hunk of metal, at the paper that openly mocked him behind the plexi-glass window. He kicked it, heavy treaded boots slamming against the side of the machine. He punched the coin-return button feverishly, hoping for the tinny clang of dropping change, refusing to give up, to admit defeat. Evzen stood near the guardrail, looking down at the cars passing beneath the overpass on which they stood.
"Aren't you done yet?"
"Bastard took my money! Won't give me a fucking paper… And it's old news, anyway. They oughta be paying me to take it off their hands."
Evzen looked at him, exhaled a small cloud of breath, and shifted the duffel bag that was starting to dig into his shoulder. The wind had picked up and was slicing through his black wool coat. His legs felt bare, the cold seeping through his pants as though he wasn't even wearing any. He adjusted his dark gray fedora and brushed his slick black hair behind his ears.
"It's cold out here. Can we get going?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just hold on a second." Damek tipped the news vending machine over in a rush of motion and noise. It hit the pavement with a satisfying clang, the door popping open. Damek leaned down, pulling out one copy of the Sun-Times. Evzen half watched him, half watched the bicycle messenger that rode quickly past them, bright orange satchel strapped to his back. Damek folded the newspaper and slid it under his arm, picking up his suitcase. He stepped into the urine-colored circle of light that Evzen was standing in. It was after four p.m., and the sun was already down. The only light dribbled from widely spaced street lamps. They were standing in front of the dirty white CTA station doors, which was washed in slightly more light than the rest of the sidewalk. A train roared along the tracks beneath them and Evzen grabbed his brother's arm.
"Come on-Teta Kathleen's waiting."
They burst through the doors and dropped a dollar fifty in change into the turnstile, pushing their way through, and clattered down the metal stairs to the platform below. They flashed grins, bright against their dark skin, at everyone already waiting in the dark and the cold. They settled in. Evzen stood in a shelter and punched the button for heat. He had last been in Spain and wasn't used to the cold Chicago winters yet. Damek poked him.
"Where are we going?"
"Down town. She wants to meet us at Marshall Field's, in the Walnut Room, for dinner."
"Christ. Sounds awful."
"It's okay. Expensive. And they have this huge tree that's all decorated and stuff. I mean, it's immense. And then after you've digested, she takes you all around the store to look at how it's decorated, and then you walk all around outside the store to look at the windows, and then she piles you into a cab to look at the rest of the city and the lights and everything. And she goes nuts buying things. Clothes and books and games. Anything."
Damek walked to the edge of the platform and peered over, looking for the train.
"Think she'll buy me a car?"
"Heh. You can ask. Thought your parents were covering that?"
Damek made a face and kept looking. He closed his fingers up and tucked them into the pockets of his leather jacket, wishing he hadn't left his gloves on the bus. He faced away from his brother.
"They had all these stupid stipulations. Like, I had to drop one of my friends cos he was a bad influence, and I had to bring up my grades to an "A" average, and I had to stop hanging out at Scott's… all kinds of crap. All the rest I might'a considered, but Scott's? No way." He spat off the platform, onto the rails.
Evzen buttoned his top button, lapels tight around his throat. He watched his 'little' brother hulk around at the edge of the platform.
"Things aren't going well between you guys?"
"Nope. I'm glad you showed up. I really needed a break from them. They're going to be pissed I'm missing Christmas, though." He shrugged and ran a hand across his bristly hair. Evzen didn't like Damek's haircut: you could see all the little scars on his scalp through the thin rasp of hair.
"You graduate in, what, five months? What you gonna do?"
Damek shrugged again. "Dunno? They all want me to go to college. Scott offered me a trainee program, though. And that's what I want, you know? That's what I really want to do. Just work on cars."
He stepped back as the train rumbled up, sending scarves and open coats flapping. Damek leaned in close to Evzen as the other walked towards the train.
"It's the only thing I'm any good at."
Each word puffed out in a white cloud, and they got on the train. Outside, a few skinny snowflakes drifted down to land on the cold, grey ground.
The candle was almost entirely burnt out, just a stub of black wick floating in a greasy puddle of melted wax. The flame hiccuped and sputtered, and Evzen held a fresh candle, trying to light it off the old one. Liljana was watching him, sitting on his bed, fingers laced around her knees.
Her hair was still damp, and she smelled like hot water and soap and bare skin; nothing else. She was wearing flannel shorts and a baggy sweatshirt, and a crystal pendant that hung between her breasts.
"I remember your mama."
Evzen looked at her.
"Yeah?"
He set the freshly lit candle on the shelf. It cast a lively glow across the clean glass of the photograph behind it. A woman smiled at the flame, framed in gold, behind a pane of glass.
"She was nice. She used to sing to me in Russian. You know, lullabies. Like my mama used to do before she died."
Evzen looked at her. Liljana had high cheekbones and a strongly Slavic nose that sloped down. Her skin was the color of creamed coffee, or almond shells, and her eyes and thick hair were the same dark, like currents, like blackberries, like unsweetened tea. Evzen looked at her.
"You look like her. Different, but your eyes are the same. Dark and gentle, like the night."
He was sad as he said it. He crossed the room in a few steps and sat next to her on the bed. She spoke again.
"Before she died, before she left and got killed I mean, you know… she always looked so sad. Like someone had stolen a part out of her. Some piece of her heart or her soul or something. It made me… I was scared. I was always afraid that someone would be able to do that to me. But at the same time, I was hopeful that I'd find someone I could love so completely, so that I didn't care of they took away from me like that."
Evzen ran a hand down her loose hair, resting it briefly on her warm back.
"You were always a romantic."
She fidgeted her toes against the white chenille bed spread. Mrs. Lindner, who supplied the apartment with furnishings, also supplied it with fresh bedding and towels every Thursday. The blue sheets and bedspread were gone, replaced by faded yellow sheets and the white spread, which was slightly unraveled along the edges. There was gold thread woven into the spread. Nervous fingers or cranky washing machines had pulled out most of it, but some of it still remained. It glittered in the low light of the room.
"Only about you," she said.
It was a hot day, and Liljana stood next to the bay mare. The girl was as lanky as any yearling; all knees and elbows, legs and arms. The grass was high around her, bleached pale from the sun that beat down all around. The tops of the grass were heavy, tasseled with seeds that would soon fall. Lily was tanned dark, the whites of her eyes like cream or snow. The mare dipped her muzzle into the cool running stream and shook her head, flicking a black-tipped ear at a fly that ventured too close. She drank deeply, then raised her head snuffling and blowing, spraying water in Lily's face and hair. She laughed and ducked away and patted the mare on the flank. She brushed her bangs off her face, tucking loose hair behind her ears. Sweat trickled with a maddening slowness down her back, between her shoulder blades, down her spine, to soak gently into the soft fabric of her shirt. Her skirt was hiked up, knotted around her knees, and she waded through the tall grasses, leading the mare behind her. The grass caught her skirt and dragged it away from her legs, exposing the long scar that sliced its way up one thigh. The mare tossed her head, black mane slithering around like silk fringe. She lashed her tail at flies, sleek hairs drifting gently down her velvet flanks. Liljana patted her gently.
By the time they got back to the camp, Evzen and Damek were gone.
It was late, and Liljana yawned slowly.
"It was nice meeting your dad."
"Yeah. Kind of weird, though."
"Do you two get along?"
She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked sideways at him. Her bangs were level with her eyebrows, an inky bar of black.
"I don't… I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't know him yet. He wants to be a part of my life and I'm still trying to get used to him. He wants someone to call him 'Daddy,' and I'm not a little kid. He missed out on all that. I wish we got along, but I don't know yet. I'd like to get along with him, but he can be… clingy. Like he needs me to make up my mind right now and I can't do that."
"He seemed nice." She yawned again.
"Yeah, he's a real nice guy. You ready for bed?"
"Uhm. Yeah. I'm pretty tired."
She eyed the twin bed, unsure of what would come next. Evzen stood up and walked the few paces to the closet.
"Slide under the covers, then. I'll put the light out in a bit."
"Okay."
She pulled back the white coverlet and the pale yellow sheets and climbed in. The sheets were cool and soft and smooth and smelled like lavender. She rested her cheek on the pillow and watched Evzen. His back was toward her, his hair falling down his back like black paint. He was wearing a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up, and black pants, his boots already off. Liljana watched him open the closet door. At first, she thought the closet was empty; then she saw his jacket hanging up like a shed skin, limp and empty. Evzen pulled a folded grey blanket off the shelf and walked back over to Lily.
"How's the bed? Comfortable?"
"Yeah. It's nice."
He smiled and unbuttoned his shirt, slid out of it and draped it over the lone chair. He brushed his hair out of his face, looping it over his shoulders. Lily half closed her eyes. He had the body of a horseman, slim hipped and broad shouldered. She could see his muscles through the thin gray tee shirt he wore. He moved slightly, and she saw something else as well, something new. He had gotten a tattoo around his left bicep, a tangle of thorns that wrapped their way completely around his arm: sharp arcs that looked like they sprang directly from his skin.
"Ev? When'd you get that tattoo?"
"Hm? Oh. A year or two ago."
"Why?"
"It just seemed appropriate."
"Oh."
She half sat up, propping herself on her elbow, hand under her head. Evzen pushed the table and chair into the far corner of the room, against the closet door, and spread the blanket on the floor.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready for bed."
"You know, when we were kids, we used to sleep together all the time."
"But we're not kids anymore. We've grown up. Things have changed."
The dogs were barking, voices ringing in the darkness. Liljana was coming back from a movie with a few other women. The dogs were barking with a sharp, brittle urgency silenced only by a handful of stones thrown purposely short of their target. The campsite was very quiet, as if everyone was holding their breath. Even the fires burned quietly with none of their usual crack and snap. The women walked in silence, feet puffing miniature clouds of dust as they moved.
Cheta met them, speaking in hushed tones. She grabbed Liljana's hand and led her to Andrej's wagon: her father's wagon. Kore was in there, and the two women waited outside for him to finish. Biljana was inside with the two men, and the sharp, smoky scent of her poultices drifted out through the chinks in the doorframe.
"Tata?"
Lily crept up the three steps and leaned against the back of the wagon, trembling. Somewhere, someone called her name, softly. Kore opened the door carefully and looked at her with sad eyes. He stood on the threshold and gently raised his battered red cap, re-arranging his hair beneath it. He rested a gnarled, well-tanned hand on Lily's shoulder. She looked at him, tears getting in the way. She couldn't see his face. He was saying something, but she couldn't hear it. Nothing existed but her. She was all alone in a dark fog. Nothing could get through. Kore gently guided her down the stairs, Biljana coming out behind him. She shut the door firmly, head lowered. Liljana was numb, and stood on the ground in front of the stairs as Kore draped a necklace of gold coins over her head, around her neck. Someone took her hand and led her away. She blinked, and her vision cleared briefly. It was Evzen, looking back at her as they walked.
"What's changed? I'm not good enough for you anymore? Is that it? Now you have somebody else, that skinny little spike-haired girl, and you don't need me? Is that it?"
"Christ, Liljana! Now it's my fault? I didn't ask you to stalk me, you know? I didn't ask you to hunt me down."
"You left me! And you always came back before. Always. And this time you didn't, and I got worried about you. Have you any idea how hard it was? I had to find Damek's adoptive family and ask them, and I guess they didn't like you very much because they weren't very helpful."
She was kneeling on the bed, face flushed, the covers rumpled around her. She snorted, blowing hair out of her face, and glared at him with eyes as dark and sharp as hematite. He was standing, hair sticking to his face, still holding the edge of the blanket.
"I figured you didn't need me anymore, so I left. Wanted to save you the hassle."
"What are you talking about?"
"I saw you and Dejan kissing, okay? It was supposed to be you and me. That's what your dad wanted. Hell, I thought it was what you wanted. You obviously didn't, so I left."
She slid out of bed and stalked over to him, shorts riding up her thighs.
Jona stood under a tree and watched them. The season was starting to change, the leaves loosing their green and revealing the reds and yellows beneath. Damek lurked in a tree, one leg hanging low as he scrambled for a better grip.
"There he is!" Liljana pointed excitedly at his hiding place, just as his leg slid up and into the remaining foliage. The tree shook slightly, copper leaves rustling gently down to the ground. She skidded gently down the hill and over to the tree with Evzen hard behind her. They were both breathing heavily, faces flushed and breath pumping out in faint clouds. Lily reached the tree before Evzen and grabbed hold of a low hanging branch, swinging herself up. Damek laughed and climbed higher. She followed, her braid swinging out behind her like a black rope, the soles of her shoes scuffing against the rough bark of the tree. Evzen started up the tree also, his cap falling off his head in his hurry. Liljana could see Damek's legs disappearing into the leaves above her, dangling temptingly before being drawn up behind him. She scooted after him, twigs grabbing her hair and clothes. She reached up, balancing herself on a slender branch, and grabbed Damek's ankle. Branches poked into the soft of her sides, the round of her elbows and knees, the remaining chubbiness of childhood.
"Got ya!"
"Hey… no…" He kicked out, trying to wriggle away. Liljana tipped backwards, her grip knocked loose, and scrabbled unsuccessfully for a handhold. Damek laughed, freed from her, and climbed higher.
"Dam… Damek? Wait…!"
The world jumped as she fell. She grabbed for a handhold, a branch, anything stable. Her hands closed on a cluster of leaves and tore them free, the branch snapping and smacking her in the face. Her eyes blurred with tears that streaked hot against the red welt the branch left behind. Evzen's hand's closed on empty air as she fell past him, hitting the ground hard.
Jona ran across the frosted ground to the base of the tree. Liljana was lying there, skin scraped from the rough bark, bleeding from small cuts. Jona bent over her carefully, touching the child's face.
"Liljana?"
The girl opened her eyes slowly, focused them on the boys' mother.
"My leg hurts…"
Jona looked down at the red that welled from her leg and stroked the girl's cheek. Evzen jumped to the ground and ran to get Biljana, feet thudding against the hard ground.
Evzen closed his eyes. Even with his eyes shut he could see the faint white scar across her thigh.
"You know why I kissed him? I kissed him because you weren't kissing me! You acted all excited about us getting married when it happened, and I kept waiting and waiting and you just got more and more distant. So Dejan shows up and, what, it's wrong for me to be human?"
"It's wrong for you to betray my trust!"
Liljana was standing in front of him. If she'd grown up watching soap operas, she might have slapped him. Instead, she punched him. His head snapped back and he stumbled a few paces away from her.
"You arrogant, selfish, infantile, stupid, stupid, jerk! You made a commitment to me. Remember that part? The part where you promised to marry me? Do you remember not ever doing that? You got more and more distant from me. We were closer as kids growing up then we ever where after we were betrothed."
Evzen rubbed his jaw.
He was standing at the window, waiting. The glass was cold against his hands, but he knew that if he moved, if he stopped waiting, then mommy wouldn't come. He had to wait for her. He had to watch for her. Jona knelt behind him, one hand cupped on his back, watching with him. It was dark outside, and Evzen could hardly keep his eyes open. He kept yawning so much that his jaw hurt. He couldn't fall asleep, though. He had to stay awake. He had to stay awake and wait for mommy. He held cusho tightly, the orange, terry-cloth cat keeping vigil with him. He yawned again, peering out into the darkness outside.
When he woke up, he knew she was never coming back. Jona had put him to bed, put on his rubber pants and his pajamas and tucked him in with his cusho. Damek was still there, sleeping next to him. Maybe if he were a good boy, maybe if he behaved, maybe Jona wouldn't leave either.
"Lily… I didn't mean…" The words waited at the back of his tongue, tumbling over themselves in a confused tangle. He tried to sort them out, to pick out the right words, but he couldn't. He sighed and started again.
"I was afraid that if I got close to you, I'd do something to screw it up."
Kore was very quiet. He looked at the two boys and sat down. It was dark inside his wagon, and smelled like old garlic and onions and stale cigarette smoke. A lamp swung from the center beam over head, shadows stretching and groaning. Kore was sitting on a bench, his bony hips cushioned by the folded-up quilt he slept in every night. Evzen and Damek sat on hard, knobby chairs and waited. Damek peered around slightly, eyes darting into the shadowy corners as though looking for someone. Kore and Jona had been in America for several months, and only Kore had come back. He nodded and looked very serious. Evzen broke the silence.
"How was America, Kore?"
Kore nodded at Evzen and didn't say anything. He stroked his chin and then solemnly lit a cigarette. He smoked, watching the boys. Not saying anything, just watching. Evzen shifted nervously. Damek was chewing his knuckles, trying to stay quiet. It wasn't working.
"Where's mama?" he burst out suddenly, "Where's Jona? Why isn't she with you?"
"What do you mean?"
He gestured vaguely with his hands, groping at air.
"Every time I've been a part of a family, I've managed to screw it up somehow."
He rubbed his ear nervously. He was still holding onto a corner of the blanket, rubbing the thick grey material between thumb and forefinger.
"Screw it up? How?"
He counted on his fingers.
"Ella and Lorenzo. Lorenzo left before we were born. Then Ella left us with Jona when we were three. Jona and Ahmet adopted us. Then they got divorced, and Jona got custody. She went back to live with her dad: Kore. She heard Ahmet was in trouble, and she and Kore came back to America. She got killed." He wiped the back of his hand across his upper lip. "Something happened then, I never knew what, and we got taken away back to America."
"I remember that. One minute you were there, and the next you weren't."
He nodded.
"Damek got adopted by some family in Michigan. The Parkers. They called him Johnny. Because of his middle name, you know? Jhonnen. Johnny Parker. They hated me because I 'was a bad influence.' I used to stop by once a year or so and convince him to run away with me. I don't know why they worried. I always brought him back sooner or later."
He was babbling, nervous, everything spilling out at once. The candle flickered, casting warm shadows.
"But, anyway, he got a family, right? And we were twins. I never got a family. I just got shuffled from foster family to foster home to foster family. I never spent two consecutive holidays in the same place. But Damek had a family, right? Why would he get one, and not me? I figured it must be because of me. I must screw things up somehow. I was just afraid of screwing up with you, and hurting you."
Liljana moved close to him, pulling him into a hug.
"My precious one… none of that was your fault. And I won't leave you. I promise. I'll be with you forever."
He wrapped his arms around her, still holding onto the blanket. She held him tightly. He kissed the top of her head as the candle went out.
Jona smiled, behind glass.
Evzen decided to take a chance.