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WELCOME

You Have Reached
The Mental Hotline.
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If You Are
Obsessive-Compulsive

Press 1 repeatedly.
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If You Are Co-Dependent,
Please Ask Someone

To Press 2 For You.
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If You Have
Multiple Personalities,

Press 3, 4, 5 And 6.
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If You Are Paranoid,
We Know Who You Are
And What You Want.

Stay On The Line So
We Can Trace Your Call.
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If You Are Delusional,

Press 7 And Your Call
Will Be Transferred

To The Mother Ship.

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If You Are Schizophrenic,
Listen Carefully And A
Small Voice Will Tell You

Which Number To Press.
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If You Are Manic-Depressive,
It Doesn't Matter Which
Number You Press

No-One Will Answer.
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If You Are Dyslexic,

Press 9696969696969.
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If You Have A
Nervous Disorder,
Please Fidget With
The Pound Key Until

A Representative Answers.
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If You Have Amnesia

Press 8 And State
Your Name,

Your Address,

Your Phone Number,

Your Date Of Birth,

Your Social Security Number

And Your Mother's

Maiden Name.
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If You Have
Post-Traumatic Stress

Slowly And Carefully

Press 000.
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If You Have A
Bi-Polar Disorder,

Please Leave Message
After The Beep
Or Before The Beep.
Or After The Beep.

Please Wait For The Beep.
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If You Have Short
Term Memory Loss,

Press 9.
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If You Have Short
Term Memory Loss,

Press 9.
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If You Have Short
Term Memory Loss,

Press 9.
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If You Have Short
Term Memory Loss,

Press 9.
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If You Have A
Low Self Esteem,

Please Hang Up.

All Our Operators
Are Too Busy
To Talk To You.

If You Have Short
Term Memory Loss,

Press 9.
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