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People are always on the lookout for a new diet.
The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days.
Well, now there's the new "Toddler Miracle Diet".
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.
Good Luck!!!
DAY ONE
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Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers.
Dump the rest on the floor.
Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face, hair, and clothes.
Lunch: A handful of potato chips, a glass of milk (three sips only, then
spill the rest), and four crayons (any color).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, and four sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the floor.
DAY TWO
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Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of POO-POO Dog Chow.
One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril.
Pour grape Kool-Aid over your mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
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Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub
fingers through hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After Breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of mom's best chair.
Lunch: Three rocks, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
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Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), a bite of soap, an
olive.
Pour glass of milk over bowl of Corn Flakes, add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog.
Insert small meatball
into your ear.
Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.
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