I eat because I'm depressed... I'm depressed because I eat...
My weight? Are you calling me fat? That's a pretty bad insult. Especially to a girl. A girl called me fat the other night, and this guy was like "You're calling her fat??" And she said "Yeah but I just called myself fat too, so it's okay!" Well, no, it's NOT okay. I take offense. I don't act like I do when it happens, but I take offense.

I honestly don't think I am FAT. I don't think I'm CHUBBY either. I just think... I don't know... I'm a big girl? I don't like to think that though. Because I know a LOT of girls who are a LOT bigger than me... Then again I know a LOT of girls who are a LOT SMALLER than me, as well. But I think that those girls are just sticks, and have no figure whatsoever.

I'd like to think that I'm of normal size, but does society consider myself to have the normal body? No, I don't think so. They consider those stick figure models to set the model for the Perfect Female Body. God. I hate that. I really do.

I hate when I look around at couples on campus or in the mall or on the streets or WHATEVER, and the guy is big and the girl is as skinny as a stick. And most of the times, the girl is super skinny and short, or she could be tall, but normally short, and is FREAKING UGLY. Now I don't think I'm that ugly, but I'm SURE as HELL NOT skinny. Skinniness seems to be a VERY important factor to guys. I guess because if a girl were their size or larger, they would get an inferiority complex. Frick.

Well if that's the case then why have only smaller guys liked me? Some were smaller than me, and others were just my size, like the "Just My Size Barbie Doll." ..Except they weren't barbie dolls.. They were..well, guys. You know what? I really don't know. I honestly honestly don't. It's crazy. If that's the case, then my whole inferiority complex is just false... But I know it can't be... I just think that those who are "my size" or smaller don't have an inferiority complex, but the opposite, and feel like they need some direction, or some bossing around. Feel like they need to be led in a certain way. That they are unsure of themselves and need to be pointed the right way, and pushed forth. Now I can do that. I do, do that for people who need it, but I really don't want a boy friend who I would do that for. Being a girl, I like to be at least a LITTLE dominated... I mean not to the point where he's forcing me to do something. I mean, okay. I take that back. What I'm saying is that I want a guy who knows what he's doing, and if I don't like it, I can tell him that, and he'll stop immediately. Not someone who's unsure of what he's doing...Bah there I go again talking about guys. I'm sorry. So sue me.

My goal weight is to be somewhere around...Well, lets just say I'd like to lose about 20 lbs. 15-20 lbs. I really don't think I can do that, but...I'll try..somehow...I mean, I always watch what I eat...I always drink water...I excercise with my DDR game...I don't know, it just doesn't seem to be working for me..

I have a fat ass. I hate my ass. It's so...fat. Like in clothes? My ass doesn't look THAT bad, but like without them? EWWW!!!! FAT ASS HEAVEN!!!! I'm sorry but you girls out there who don't like YOUR butt? You probably have a GREAT looking butt. A SUPER MODEL butt, compared to MY TRAILER TRASH ASS! Seriously. If there was a prize for the ugliest butt, my ass would get it. It would get first prize. No question about it.

And I'm trying to get guys to like me??? I'm talking about how ugly my ass is and I want what??

Well, true beauty lies on the inside right? Yeah, Right. That's what guys say to REAL UGLY GIRLS. Yes, I've been told that, and I take that as an INSULT. Because I KNOW what real guys want. They want the BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. Something that I am not. I'm not even close to the perfect representation of the beautiful woman.

You know what? I think I have a perfectionist complex. I WANT to be perfect, but I am far from it, and don't do THAT much about it.. I don't ignore it, I just...don't try THAT hard... I've been on countless amounts of diets that didn't work...Maybe because I never went through with them completely...And I've done some excercising...But you know what? I think excercising is pointless because it'll just build up my muscles making my body ugly because I really DON'T want muscles, like in my calves? They'll be all fat and muscular.. I want THIN legs dammit! Not FAT MUSCULAR legs... Who would want that? Sigh... I don't know..