First my thanks to the Board Mama for allowing these long posts. Sorry to take up board space. Also my thanks to the people who keep encouraging me to write them.
*WARNING - SPOILERS UP TO NORMAL AGAIN*
After reading numerous posts last night on how Spike needed to regain his self-respect, I was reminded of my legal internship with the Domestic Violence Coalition of Western Missouri, depressing work by the way. In Domestic Violence situations - it is not the violence itself that's the problem, although it is a major one and does cost lives, it is the victim's eventual loss of self. They have given themselves to the abuser. They've so completely accepted their supporting role in the relationship that they find themselves at the mercy of the person in the dominant role. The relationship is completely out of balance. This is not good for either individual. Think about how much power you'd have if someone loved you unconditionally. You can do anything to them and they will always come back to you. What a heady sensation! The temptation to take advantage must be overwhelming, particularly if you, the one in power, are suffering from low self-esteem. That's right - it is often the abuser who has no self-esteem in the relationship, not the victim. The victim can have quite a bit of self-esteem going into the relationship, only to have it shredded by the abuser. The abuser cannot understand why the victim loves him or her. So they punish them for it, repeatedly. The victim, acting out of love, takes the abuse out of the misguided belief that they are helping, when they are actually making it worse. As a result, the abuser ends up robbing the victim of all their self-esteem, bringing the victim down to the abuser's level. To the bystander, it appears that the victim is the worthless party - the wimp - the one with no self-respect. When it is actually the reverse. In this society, we often blame the victim. If the victim would just get out of the relationship, stop taking the abuse all would be well. Get some self-respect!
We also think that women are the only ones abused in a relationship, but this is not always the case. Women do not always accept the "traditional feminine role" in relationships; sometimes the man is the "stay at home mom" or the nurturer. Sometimes the man is the one who provides the "maternal support" while the woman is the breadwinner and protector. Masculine and feminine roles are not gender specific, they never have been. In an abusive situation, we have less respect and/or tolerance for the abused man than we do a woman. We consider the man - a wimp or sissy - for taking the abuse. Hen-pecked. Emasculated. We do not understand why he is taking it. Come on! Be a Man! A female victim tends to get more sympathy.
So what does this have to do with Spike and Tara? The writers of BvTs have done something interesting; they've flipped the stereotype. Instead of the man being the abuser or dominant partner, the woman is, in not one but two relationship threads. But they didn't stop there, the evil writers took it a step further - they've made the abuser the hero(Buffy) and the victim (the vampire). The two threads are Willow's relationship with Tara and Buffy's with Spike (Yes - I know both Willow and Tara are women, but bear with me). In both relationships - Tara and Spike are the nurturing/supportive parties. They are also the victims.
Tara and Spike have a great deal in common. Both have taken on maternal, nurturing, somewhat protective roles towards Dawn. Both have entered relationships, which are out of balance - at least in the beginning. They have both taken supporting "feminine" roles.
Let's first look at the roles they've taken towards Dawn. I believe this demonstrates how both have adopted the "supporting nurturing role" in their relationships. In two brief scenes from Bargaining Part I and Wrecked we can see maternal roles Spike and Tara have adopted towards Dawn:
In both of Tara's scenes - she is making pancakes.
Bargaining Part I: TARA: Oh, um, here's some juice, and... (gives Dawn a glass of orange juice) pancakes are on the way. Funny shapes or rounds?
DAWN: Rounds are fine. Uh, what's up with the mega-witches?
Wrecked: TARA: Pancakes? (Dawn enters, walks toward the fridge. )
DAWN: Uh, sure. (goes to the fridge, takes out a carton of orange juice)
In Spike's two scenes, he is either watching over Dawn and reassuring her about school or looking over her wounds.
Bargaining Part I: DAWN: So my homeroom teacher, Ms. Lefcort, was like, "Your sister's an example to us all." Hmm! She wanted to make it National Buffy Day. (She puts the glass on the coffee-table and sits on the sofa next to Spike. There's a pizza box on the coffee-table, and a plate with a half-eaten slice of pizza. )
SPIKE: Makes sense.
DAWN: It does?
SPIKE: Yeah, she responded to BuffyBot because a robot is predictable. Boring. Perfect teacher's pet. That's all schools are, you know. Just factories, spewing out mindless little automatons. (He sees Dawn's raised eyebrows.)Who go on to be ... very ... valuable and productive members of society, and you should go. (quieter) Because Buffy would want you to.
Now let's jump to Wrecked, where Spike and Buffy have just discovered an injured Dawn. Spike goes immediately to Dawn to check out her injuries and see if she's okay, while Buffy fights the demon. Later after Willow and Buffy kill the demon, Spike is shown helping Dawn to her feet and even suggests that Buffy take care of Willow who caused the whole mess, while he takes care of Dawn.
Isn't it interesting how both Spike and Tara have taken over the nurturing role with Dawn?
Also notice how feminine Spike has become in the last year and a half. I think he was always a little feminine to begin with, sort of adds to his appeal. But let's look at Season 6 - who's playing the traditional female role here? Who wants to discuss the relationship? Who is doing the housekeeping and decorating their pad? Who is keeping and nursing eggs in a cavernous womblike home? Who has to be protected and is told to go home when things get rough? Spike. In Tabula Rasa - he follows Buffy like a puppy dog, wanting to discuss their relationship, very human, feminine response to the hot and heavy kiss they'd shared the night before. She puts him off then unexpectedly protects him from a bunch of lowlifes, pushing him repeatedly out of harm's way. In Wrecked, after they've had sex, he's still lying on the floor, naked and vulnerable, begging to spend more time with her, while she's heading out, refusing to talk to him. In AYW - he's seen nursing demon eggs and cries when she won't listen to his explanation. We repeatedly see him carrying groceries. And then in Normal Again, he mentions putting ice on the back of her neck. He's clearly taken the traditional, supportive, "feminine" role in this relationship. He does, occasionally, try to take control, but it is short lived. Buffy is the dominant party here. The breadwinner. The protector. And finally, the abuser.
Now, let's look at Tara. From the very beginning of the Willow/Tara relationship, Tara took the weaker role. Willow, formerly in love with a man, was struggling with her sudden attraction to a woman. She was also struggling with how her peers would relate to this new development. So she kept Tara in the closet. Poor Tara lived in constant fear of losing Willow. Tara is also the first to admit her love for Willow. Here's the scene from Who Are You, in this scene, Willow has come to Tara for comfort and to discuss the rogue slayer Faith who is out doing mischief. (edited for length and emphasis):
Tara: Well, you should be safe. Nobody knows you're here. I mean. . . they don't even know I exist, right? I know all about them, but I mean, I mean, th-that's totally cool. I mean, it-it's good. It's . . . it's better.
Willow: Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just . . . well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And . . there's this whole bunch of us, and-and we sort ofhave this group thing that revolves around the slaying, and-and I-I
really want you to meet them. But I-I just kinda like having something that's just, you know . . . mine. And I-I usually don't use so many words to say stuff that little, but do you get it at all?
Tara: I do.
Willow: I should check in with Giles, get a situation update.
Tara: I am, you know.
Willow: What? (Tara looks over her shoulder at her.)
Tara: (meaningfully) Yours.
What's Willow saying here? She's possessive. She wants Tara all to herself. She wants to keep the power in the relationship. It is Willow's insecurity that is present in the scene not Tara's. Tara knows how she feels. Tara loves Willow. Tara would like to be part of Willow's life. She'd like to come out of the closet. But she doesn't want to lose Willow. She understands Willow's dilemma almost better than Willow does, she knows Willow is conflicted, struggling with who she is, and for that reason Tara is willing to be patient. She is willing to give Willow her heart without really asking much in return. This reminds me a lot of a scene in As You Were between Buffy and Spike. In AYW, Buffy comes to Spike for comfort, her friends know he exists but they do not know she is visiting him. He's her secret lover. One she is clearly ashamed of. He has given himself to her time and again without reservation, making it clear to her that he's hers. If she's in pain or needs to feel, she comes to him. Here's the scene (also edited for length and emphasis) Buffy has just told Spike that she needs information on demon eggs and he plays along until she suddenly gets to the real purpose of her visit:
BUFFY: (quietly) Tell me you love me.
SPIKE: (surprised) I love you. You know I do. (She takes a couple of steps closer.)
BUFFY: Tell me you want me.
SPIKE: (whispers) I always want you. In point of fact-
BUFFY: Shut up.
This scene is far darker than the Willow/Tara scene. Like Willow - Buffy goes to Spike, but under false pretenses. She says she wants information. Just as Willow goes to Tara to supposedly do spells. What they want is support; they want someone who is theirs. Isn't that what we all want? To have someone be there for us no matter what? Someone to tell us they love us, want us, that they are ours??
ME is exploring two controversial relationships at once, and it is a bit like watching someone peel an onion, each layer revealing another more interesting layer underneath. Let's keep going.
Soon after Who Are You Season4- Willow comes out of the closet to Buffy and makes a clear unwavering choice. She chooses Tara over OZ. This gives Tara a little more power in the relationship, so as we enter Season 5, Tara and Willow are in balance. Spike at this point is just beginning to realize his love for the slayer. It is not until Intervention and Tough Love, episodes that appear almost back-to-back, that the power shifts completely to Buffy and Willow. Prior to the shift, both Spike and Tara have had fallings out with Buffy and Willow. These scenes are fascinating particularly when we compare them to scenes from Season 6.
Let's do Spike first. Up until Intervention, Spike has been portrayed as almost creepy in his attempts to obtain Buffy's love. After being brutally rejected, he stopped following her and created his very own buffy robot. In his relations with BuffyBot, he is tender, romantic, and very much in control. She tells him how much she loves him and wants him. He echoes it. The Buffbot and Spike, oddly enough, have equal power in the relationship. They fight together. Support each other. He gives her pleasure and she returns it. Their relationship is more balanced and more mature than his current relationship with the real thing. But this idyllic dream is disrupted by Glory. Glory kidnaps Spike thinking he's the key and tortures him. She tells him he's impure and worthless, beneath her notice. She beats him bloody. But he holds firm. Even throws some of her insults back at her. And manages eventually to escape. Never once giving up Dawn. He protects Dawn and by extension Buffy with his life. Here's a portion of the scene, edited for emphasis and length:
GLORY: Shhh. What do you know, precious? What can I dig out of you? (Shot of Spike writhing in pain. )Is that better? (Spike coughs) Do you think you can try to talk again now? (Spike nods) Good. Because I'm tired of these games! (She smashes the glass against Spike's face. It breaks into pieces. )"I need time, I need a drink," you're a very needy little bloodsucker, (sits on the sofa) and it's not very attractive.
After Spike tells her the key is Bob Barker.
GLORY: The vampire ... is lying to me.
SPIKE: (giggles weakly) Yeah ... but it was fun. And guess what, bitch. (Shot of his hands still trying to twist free) I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.
When Buffy disguised as Buffbot asks him why he did it, he says: "Cause Buffy ... the other, not so pleasant Buffy ... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."
Before I jump to Tara - let's look at a scene from Smashed. In this scene, Spike is trying to talk to Buffy. Trying to discuss their relationship.
SPIKE: A man can change. (She again stops walking and faces him.)
BUFFY: You're not a man. You're a thing. (She turns away again. Spike frowns, grabs her shoulder.)
SPIKE: Stop walking away.
BUFFY: Don't touch me! (As Spike turns her around she punches him with her other hand. He pulls back and backhands her. Buffy falls to the ground. Spike looks surprised, puts his hand tentatively to his head with the beginning of a smile. Looks at Buffy, who is still getting to her feet and has her back to him.)
SPIKE: Ahh, ahh, ohh! (grabs his head) (Buffy gets up, backhands Spike and he goes down. He gets up to a kneeling position with his back to Buffy and stays there, looking at the ground. She speaks to his back. )
BUFFY: You're a thing. An evil, disgusting, thing.
Spike tries to take back control of the relationship. He tries to discuss it. But she knocks him aside. After they sleep together and he believes that they are making progress, he never hits her again, even though he can. But she hits him repeatedly. I want to show you the scene from Dead Things. In the scene, Spike tries to keep Buffy from prematurely turning herself into the police, he feels her pain and self-disgust and offers himself as a punching bag. Here's the scene:
SPIKE: Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me. (She kicks him) That's my girl.
BUFFY: (yelling) I am not your girl! (She hits him hard. He falls back onto his butt. Buffy gets on top of him and begins hitting him over and over. )You don't ... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never ... be your girl! (She continues hitting him throughout this. Now Spike goes back to human face. He's looking very bruised and bloody, but he doesn't fight back, just takes it. Buffy hits him again and again, looking angry and desperate. )
Does this remind you of anyone? It reminded me of Glory in Intervention. A Petite super strong blond pummeling the heck out of a vampire, she considers worthless. Except Spike didn't care what Glory thought of him. He didn't love Glory. He took her abuse to save Dawn and Buffy. But how long can he continue to take abuse from the person he loves?
In Tough Love, the episode immediately following Intervention, Tara also sacrifices herself for Dawn. She undergoes horrible torture for Dawn. And this occurs after Willow has rejected her. In the previous scene Willow and Tara fought and Willow accused Tara of not taking her love seriously (edited for length):
TARA: I trust you. I just I don't know where I'm gonna fit in ... in your life when...
WILLOW: When ... I change back? Yeah, this is a college thing, just a, a little experimentation before I get over the thrill and head back to boys' town?..I'm really sorry that I didn't establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship. You're the only woman I've ever fallen in love with, so ... how on earth could you ever take me seriously?
Then Glory grabs Tara, believing she is the key. When she discovers this isn't the case, she gives Tara a choice, tell me where the key is or I brain-suck you. Here's what Glory does: "Think about it. You think your hand hurts? Imagine what you'd feel with my fingers wiggling in your brain. (Tara looks very scared) It doesn't kill you. What it does ... is make you feel like you're in a noisy little dark room ... (Glory frowns and fidgets uncomfortably) naked and ashamed ... and there are things in the dark that need to hurt you because you're bad ... little pinching things that go in your ears ... (Tara begins to cry) and crawl on the inside of your skull. And you know ... that if the noise and the crawling would stop ... that you could remember how to get out. But you never, ever will. Who ... is ... the key? (Tara forces herself to stop crying and look Glory in the eye, saying nothing. )
Now look at the scene from Tabula Rasa, where Tara accuses Willow of playing with her head.
TARA: Do you think I'm stupid? I know you used that spell on me.
WILLOW: Tara, I'm sorry, I-
TARA: Don't! Just ... don't. (shakes head) There's nothing you can say.
WILLOW: Tara, I didn't mean to-
TARA: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?
Willow is abusing Tara the same way that Glory did. Messing with her head. Tara tries to get through to Willow just as Spike tries to get through to Buffy. Both try to discuss their relationships, try to end the abuse. But Willow can't hear Tara and does another spell, which once again plays with Tara's memory. As a result of Willow's spell, Tara forgets who she is and finds herself a stuttering insecure girl. She gets lost, just like she was when Glory disrupted her mind. How ironic -Willow and Buffy rescue Spike and Tara from Glory, bring them into the safe haven of the SG, then turn around and torture them in a similar manner.
Intervention and Tough Love were turning points for Spike and Tara. They proved univocally that they would do anything for the person they loved. They continue to prove this over and over again. How many times has Spike put his life on the line after Intervention to save the Dawn and Buffy and to some degree other members of the SG? How many times has Tara? (I could give you an episode run-down but this is already quite long.) How many times have both these characters declared their love or shown that love to Willow and Buffy? When you do this you give the other person a great deal of power over you. They know how you feel; they know what you will do. But you have no idea what they feel or where you stand with them. Willow and Buffy have a choice: They can accept this unwavering love and return it, with all the scary risks involved, they can reject it out of hand, or they can use it to build up their own self-esteem, to make themselves feel more powerful, more in control.
Spike and Tara also have a choice. They can either continue to take the abuse or they can put an end to it. Of the two parties, Spike and Tara have the tougher choice to make. What? Tougher? Yes - it is very hard to leave someone you love, particularly someone you love completely. Tara has already made it. She left the relationship. She stopped the cycle. Spike is struggling. He is after all a demon, he senses something is off but doesn't quite understand it. As Lady O'Neill put it in one of her posts - as a demon, Spike enjoys pain. He gets off on it. He has told this to Buffy on more than one occasion - "Hello. Vampire. I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side." But he doesn't expect it from Buffy, "What's your excuse? Is it because you came back wrong?"Spike is still taking his cues from her. But I think he's about to break - just as Tara finally did in Tabula Rasa. And if the spoilers are true - he will decide to leave too, if just for a while. Sometimes, the only way to stop a cycle of abuse is to get out of it. And in BvTs - it may be the only way Tara and Spike can regain their sense of self. Tara certainly has. Since she left Willow, Tara has become more mature, more capable, and more confident. And Willow has mellowed. We can only hope the same thing will happen for Spike and Buffy, when and if Spike leaves.
Thanks for reading. Hope this adds something new to the discussion. Once again my thanks to Board for allowing it. Look forward to your comments as always.
;-) Shadowkat
