Toilet Rating International

Toilet rating on holiday, yes that right we've widened our piss range and this time we're not wide of the bowl! We never take a rest from toilet rating, even on our holidays we're scouting out the best places for you to crap in peace! we've rated toilets in Dublin, Deansgate, Piccadilly station, Spain and now Comino (A small island next to the small island of Malta!)

Although we haven't rated toilets in France we went there before we started this site and everyone knows that toilets in France are just a hole in the floor and that french women look like men and many of these use this as an excuse when there's a que in at the womens toilet to use the men's (one of my first memories of French toilets) our advice avoid if possible although i must say a hole in the floor is original. German women also sometimes use the men's toilet as well and their toilets (that I visited) had no innovation, style and they were filthy. Japan: although none of us have ever been Japan we imagine that they will be big, have loads of gadgets, have a mini fireworks display and will wipe your arse for you. If any of our much loved and loyal fans have or ever go or even live in Japan please contact us, we will welcome your support and being the nice guys we are give you a shout out on our website (please see our contact page).

Ireland: Old Jameson Distillery Style 8 Cleanliness 8 Innovation 5 Overall 21 Comments: I  felt very comfortable in this toilet. It was a toilet I liked to piss in, and also the tour of the distillery was very educational for all budding alcohlolics and adults got free wiskey at the end! The tour guide was funny (he took the mick out of the Scottish, which I'm all in favour of) Raddison St Helens Hotel : Style:8 cleanliness: 9 innovation:7 Overall: 24 Comments: It's toilets were HUGE! The whole of Ireland could of peed  in there at the same time but this was a very posh hotel and it's toilets should be up to scratch. A very good effort, well done. And the nice chaps let me play in their snooker room. The toilet was big enough for the snooker table, plenty of free space, this would of increased their innovation. This toilet could be very multifunctional (spelling error,sheesh moron), it's a perfect size for break dancing, concerts (only cos of the size, i dont go to concerts cos the venue has sinks and toilets), ball room dancing and if u put a few dips in the floor maybe a 18 hole golf course (dips? what sort of fucking golf course has dips? more like a bloody rollercoaster!).  Honestly it was huge it took a good 2 minutes to get from the urinal to the sink and by the time you got from the sink to the hand dryer your hands were dry.        This toilet rating was brought to you solely by Birch our Irish Correspondent P.s. i dont usually go to posh Hotels like the Radddison but I have rich Irish relatives and the Toilets on the ferry were dirty and had no style. I didn't give them a proper rating because they just can't compare to the toilets i've seen on my holiday.

Spain:  I (Conor) was sent to Spain to rate the toilets-yes it's true we have no lives.  However I pretty much neglected my duties in an attempt to be dis-assosciated with Mike and Birch, a plan which unfortunately didn't work when i got bored while at Malaga airport. You see while at the airport waiting for the plane I encountered a strange need to visit the toilets there. I later realised the need arised from the 10 cups of water i'd drank in 5 minutes for a bet. While relieving my bladder i had time to look around what might have been the highest quality of toilet you've ever seen. This toilet was so impressive i gave the urinals a tip. They were so clean i was tempted to take my shoes off before entering (i was discouraged from this when i remembered the smell last time i did). The toilets were as innovative as nasa on speed and as cool as a tap dancing squirrel (man, a tap dancing squirrell can you imagine?) Of course with my legendary low standards of judging - a problem that stems from my legendary low standards of hygiene- this rating could be considered total Bollox. Ahem onwards: Style: 10/10 Superb in all respects.  So good there should be a door man and a specific dress code to honour before you are allowed in. Thank God there wasn't cos, lets face it, i'd never get in! Innovation: 9/10 More than a Japanese inventors club. Cleanliness: 10/10 You could eat your dinner off the floor, a concept I was more than willing to test. Also the first toilet (I've visited) where you could see yourself in the urinals which made peeing fun after all everyone loves this face.  Note to all readers: I can not apologise enough for allowing Birch so much freedom on this page especially seeing his "HAIR CUT" pictures.  Anyone who has encountered any mental trauma or stress as a result of reading his mindless drivel would be advised to see a doctor immediately.

Comino, Malta: Well, the Maltese lived up to a reputation of, well, nothing at all and delivered an average toilet that ruined my (Mike) holiday. After a long day, what more do you want then to kick back and relax, on the crap hole (Not Conor's garden) with a copy of the Beano. I had my Beano, but when I entered the toilet, the first thing I noticed was the fact the door was made of glass. That pansy, patterny stuff, but glass none the less. The seat was ok, and there was plenty bog roll, but this was uncomfortable. Personally, I was disappointed, that is, until I got to the shower! Yes, yes, not a toilet, but it was grade A*! Not only did it actually clean you (turns out I'm not black after all), but it filled the bathroom with water! Water add inside equals INDOOR SWIMMING POOL! Sure, none of my family or the hotel staff were very pleased, but at least it meant I didn't have to go outside and socialise. Style: 3/10 Crap, just like this website Innovation: 5/10 Raised by the pool fiasco, but still as innovative as a dead poodle Cleanliness: 3/10 Is this before or after? Well the average is there and it wasn't help by the glass I smashed or my poor aim, need I say more?

P.S Were sorry to any women that count on our website for toilet ratings but if unfortunately we cant rate these because were all men (well thats debatable Ahem Mike and your silicon replica penis.). We have made this decision after making the mistake, believe me i don't want another slap on the face and restraining order....honest i didn't think the dude on the sign had a skirt on he just looked fat honest really i did.