| That's Right, WE RATE TOILETS!!! |
| What's that stupid thing i hear you say? This is our superb guide to toilets based in the UK and Ireland. If you aren't from the UK or Ireland then you are probably a dumb, fat American that found this page while searching for child, horse or donkey porn. If you are from anywhere else you probably can't understand this what we are saying especially as we use shite english sorry. Anyway, this is our attempt at helping you crap in peace and luxury as if you were in Heaven, except without all them goddamn preachers! We base our ratings on 3 factors, cleanliness (yeah like we know anything about that!), Style and innovation. Cleanliness and style are pretty much self-explanitory, but innovation is more complicated. It is all about craptacular, useless gimmicks, such as edible urinal cakes (usually sushi flavoured). Your judges today are James Birchall, Michael Coxon and Conor McClenaghan (the one who tasted the urinal cakes). We'd also like to thank Will Harwood who assissted us in one of the inspections, and Thomas Crapper, inventor of the toilet, who made all this possible. |
| Rating 1: Greenbank to Piccadilly Manchester 11:21 Train (first North Western) 8th June 2002 Mike: 7 Style, 7 Innovation, 4 Cleanliness Conor: 4 Style, 9 Innovation, 5Cleanliness Birch: I wasnt on the train but I hear it was a dangerous toilet because Conor got his foot stuck in the door Average Rating: 18 Points Summary: Rather flashy automatic door-come-death trap (Conor nearly became peg-leg!). rocked about a bit and was rather dirty due to the obvious difficulty in aiming for men, plus a lack of toilet paper as it came out one sheet at a time. Conor felt digusted as there were no edible urinal cakes, or urinals for that matter! Oh yeah and the tap had no handle thus not making it at all easy to wash-not a problem for us but it may inconvience others. Stars: *** Not too shabby, not to great. |
| Rating 2: AMC Cinemas in Manchester Deansgate 8th June 2002 Mike: 7 style, 4 Innovation, 4 Cleanliness Conor: 5 Style, 5 Inovation 8 Cleanliness Birch: 6 Style, 4 Innovation, 6 Cleanliness Average: 16 1/3 Summary: For such a posh, new cinema, quite the disappointment. No flashy gizmos, no posh hand cream, no urinal flushers or cakes and Conor's cubicle had no bog roll in it, quite the prediciment! Another problem was that all the wonderful digestive noises that you make echoed aroung the large room making the place sound like a Slipknot concert. Stars: *** Damn these threes are getting repetitive. |
| Rating 3: Our dormatory on a school trip to Belgium, October 2001 Mike: 3 Style, 5 Innovation, 6 Cleanliness (2 at end of week) Conor: 8 Style (very minimalistic), 7 Innovation, 10 Before 1.5 After for cleanliness. Birch: 4 Style, 4 Innovation, 6 Cleanliness, Average: 17 2/3 due to Conors ludicrous scoring. Summary: A sliding door that both served for very little protection while still keeping all the toxic waste gases contained making it a new generation gas cupboard. I also liked the the fact that their was no wash basin in the room it was in an adjoining room this minimalised the guilty feelings of leaving without washing your hands. The door was one of those ideas, like Communism and Celebrity Ready Steady Cook, that in theory should have worked, but on the contrary failed miserably. Stars: *** Oh bloody hell not another 3! Better make it a 4 just for fun. **** |
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| This is a Toilet |
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| Although this has a lot of crap in it, it's not a toilet. |
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| Who is this? You guessed it, Manchester United and England U' 21 winger Luke Chadwick! |
| The star system works like this: Five: Suitable for a king/ 4: Niiiiiice suitable for a respected celebrity/ 3: Not too shabby suitable for you or I/ 2: Pretty shite suitable for a donkey or such like/ 1: Worse than your worst nightmares suitable for Conor, (No one else). |