I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, and children get older

And I'm getting older, too.

So, take this love, take it down

If you climb a mountain and you turn around

If you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...

Well, maybe, the landslide will bring it down

Well, well, the landslide will bring it down...**

As the song ends, there are hot tears in my eyes. I don't even like the damn song, and here I am, listening to the words and realizing how truly pathetic I am. Forget my last name, forget who my father is--forget everything and you're left with sweet, pathetic little me.

I think I am crying because the song has hit too close to home. The words are a confession, one that my heart has been unwilling to make because of that McMahon sense of pride. If I actually say the words I know are true, it's an admission of weakness. If there is anything my father detests, it's weakness. He thinks I am so fucking strong, just like him. I laugh to think how he would feel if he knew the real me or some of the things that I do.

I hit back on the CD player and listen as the song begins again. Dammit, it's so true it makes me sick. How could someone know me so well? Only one person in my life knows me that well, and he is the source of my pain.

I smile, thinking of him. The way his blonde hair falls over my face when he bends down to kiss me, that smell that is so distinctively him, so decidedly male, the way he'd growl my name in the silence of the night--DAMN HIM!!

I take a swig from the tequila bottle clutched in my fist. I hate tequila, but it was all the hotel bar could give me, so it will do. I can remember that tequila had been responsible for the first time we were together (goddammit, I can't even get fucking drunk without being reminded of him!)

It was after a how, Dallas, I think. A bunch of us had spent all night in the hotel bar, laughing too loud and having too much fun. Hunter has always known that I can't hold my liquor. Sure, back in high school, I could down shot after shot of whatever was in front of me without missing a step. Of course, everyone thinks they are invincible in high school, and I was no exception.

When I was with 'Rissa, she never let me drink. She hated it when I'd come home plastered out of my mind. I think that's why I started cheating on her. She drove me crazy with her bitching and moaning and her fucking chipper voice all the damn time. That's why I started to cheat.

Why I cheated with men, I'll never know.

Once I slept with a man for the first time, it was like a drug. No matter how much I did, I just couldn't get enough. I mean, shit, I couldn't even get hard with 'Rissa anymore. It pissed her off because she wanted kids. She knew I was cheating, but she didn't know who with, thankfully. I didn't need her fat-ass mouth telling everybody what was going on with me.

Sean had been the first--the first kiss with another man, the first blowjob I ever gave (I thought I'd NEVER get the taste of him out of my mouth!), the first cock I ever had inside me. It was just sex to him, which was fine with me. We'd fuck each other's brains out, then he'd get dressed, kiss me good-bye (fuck, he was such a good kisser) then he'd scurry out of the room like a scared animal.

When I started to want him to stay and missed him when he was gone, I ended it with him. He took it hard, but moved on quickly. I tried to do the same, but found it harder than I had imagined. By that time, 'Rissa had left me, I was suicidally depressed, and the thought of starting a new relationship was the last thing on my mind.

That's when Hunter made his move. Just like him--strike when the opponent is vulnerable. I figured that he had known about me and Sean. Come to find out, they had discussed me on more than one occasion which is why Hunter knew exactly what to do to me.

He got me drunk, and then offered to walk me to my room. I didn't think anything of it, but then again, I've always been accused to being gullible. I walked into the room, my vision fuzzy, and distantly heard the door lock.

The next thing I know, I'm lying on my back on the bed, Hunter's face hovering above me. His hair hung down in my face, and that smell (that goddamn smell) was all my senses could perceive. He pressed his lips roughly to mine, parting them with his tongue, then slipping

it inside.

I allowed him to kiss me for a moment, and then pulled back. "What the hell are you doing?"

He grinned, dipping his head to kiss my neck. "Don't pretend you don't like it. Sean told me how fucking tight you are, and I wanted to find out for myself. Just enjoy it."

The mention of Sean's name stung me and tears sprung to my eyes. Hunter looked up at me, terror in his eyes. "Shane..." he whimpered.

I shook my head, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I'm sorry. It's not you."

"I didn't mean to--Christ, Shane. I'm sorry," he stammered, starting to crawl off the bed. I reached out and caught him by the t-shirt.

He looked at me with a gaze I will never forget, his eyes swirling with a mixture of confusion, excitement, and lust.

"Don't you dare go anywhere," I rasped, my tears drying. "I am that fucking tight, and right now, I want you to fuck him right out of my memory."

He grinned evilly, and then moved back up to kiss me. His tongue darted out to lick the tears from my cheeks as his hand moved to the erection that was already forming in my slacks. "That I can do."

I think from that first moment he touched me, I was lost. At first, I had been the aggressive one. With Sean, I was in control. With Hunter, he let me *think* I had the power, when really we both knew the truth. I changed into an obedient servant overnight, longing only to serve him forever.

The phone rings across the room. I don't answer it, knowing that it's probably him. The sound of his voice would drive me over the edge if I heard it now, so I let it ring until I see the message light blinking. Part of me wants to run to the phone and call him back immediately. Pathetic--that should be my middle name.

The song is playing again, and I can actually hear some of the words. 'Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?' The singer's words are my answer--I don't know.

I've never been able to handle rejection, and that first time I called Hunter, asking him to come over, and he refused--it almost killed me. Suddenly, I was frail little Shane again, afraid of everything. He didn't want me anymore. I had outlived my usefulness. God, there was someone else...

When he finally did come to me in my hotel room, I turned my back on him and refused to speak. He was furious. He started kicking and breaking things in my room. I had never been afraid of him before then.

"Tell me what the fuck I've done!" he screamed, throwing his head back. I didn't even look at him. I curled up in a ball on my bed and stared at the wall. "Shane..." he said, his voice changing. My heart ached, and I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he needed me. "Baby, please tell me what I did," he whispered, putting his hand delicately on my hip.

Just that soft touch made me lose it. I screamed and raged at him, telling him how much he had hurt me. He just sat there, staring blankly at me. When I finished, emotionally purged and exhausted, he didn't say anything.

"Say something, you bastard!" I shouted.

He lunged forward suddenly and pulled me into his arms. His touch melted all my anger and hurt away, and that was when we both knew what neither of us wanted to say--we needed each other, but I needed him more than I should have.

When he married my sister, I spent two weeks locked in my room. I told Dad that I had pneumonia, and he believed me, but when Hunter asked where I was, he didn't believe the story.

"Shane, open this fucking door!" he yelled, pounding his fists against my bedroom door. The maid had let him into my house, but I wasn't about to let him in my room. He would just push me onto the bed and try to make me forget why I was mad.

"Go home!" I screamed in reply. "Your wife s waiting for you!"

"Is that what this is about? Goddammit, Shane, you know it's just business!" He had lowered his voice. "I don't love her, Shane. You've got to know that."

"I bet you sure as hell fuck her, though," I replied, laying my head against the door.

He didn't respond. I wanted to die.

"Do you?" I shouted.

He cleared his throat. "I won't lie to you, Shane."

I banged my head against the door. "Just perfect, Hunter. Next, I suppose you'll tell me that it didn't mean anything."

"It didn't!" he snapped immediately. "I mean, I haven't been with a woman in a while, and she was there--"

"So, that's how it's going to be?" I interrupted. "You're just going to start fucking women?"

"No, Shane," he replied hollowly as though he was talking to a child.

"Just go away," I growled, fighting back tears. "I don't want you to be here now."

"But I want to be here," he answered, his voice very close. I could tell he was leaning against the door. "I want to be with you, forever."

I didn't respond. I couldn't. He had said the words I had been wanting—needing to hear for so long.

"Baby, don't do this to me," he whispered. "I can't go on without you."

I reached for the lock, hating myself for being so cruel to him. He made me forget that I was so angry, and when I opened the door, I looked up him and he had tears in his eyes. I had never seen him cry until that point.

"I'm sorry, Shane," he whispered, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You have to believe that I am sorry."

"I do," I answered, allowing him to pull me into his arms. He held me there, and I could hear his heart beating in his chest. The smell of him made me dizzy. I knew then that I never wanted to be without him.

When we fell into bed together, it wasn't just fucking anymore. He made love to me, slow and gentle, as if for the first time. He tried to show me what I meant to him by touching me in ways that words can't even begin to describe.

I think that's when I knew that I was in love with him.

I laugh, taking another mouthful of tequila. I am having an affair with my sister’s husband. I have never felt a moment's guilt about it. She doesn't know, and we plan to keep it that way.

Did you ever notice how blinded you can become without even realizing your eyes are shut? I didn't know that I had built my world around Hunter until it came crashing down around me. I guess I set myself up for disaster.

The phone rings again, and still I do not answer. This time, curiosity gets the better of me, and I stand up and cross to the bedside table. The first message is from Dad. "Shane, give me a call when you get in your room. You know where I am. I love you, son."

"I love you, too, Dad," I say to no one. He is stuck at home, having missed his flight. He will be down in the morning.

My blood freezes as I hear Hunter's voice when the other message starts to play. "Shane, it's me. I know you're in the room, but you're just not answering. Fine, play one of your little games. I'm coming up."

As I hang up the receiver, I hear a key-card being inserted in the lock. I take another shot of tequila as the door opens and Hunter walks in, wearing a DX t-shirt and looking absolutely beautiful.

He looks at me crossly. "Why didn't you answer the phone?"

I can't think of a good excuse. "I was in the shower."

He lets the door slam behind him and tosses the key across the room. "Yeah, and that's why your hair isn't wet, and you've got that bottle in your hand."

I raise the bottle before taking another drink. "Yep, that's why."

He steps further into the room, shaking his head. His golden hair shimmers in the low light. "You know you shouldn't drink that shit. You don't make good decisions when you do."

"You know, you're right. I don't make good decisions when I drink this," I answer, trying to think of something to say that will hurt him. "I was drinking this that first night we were together."

He stops as if stunned by my words. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm tired of being a play-time fuck for you, Hunter!" I roar suddenly, surprising myself.

"Is that what you think you are to me?" he asks, pulling his shirt over his head.

I stare at his muscular chest, wanting so fucking bad to run my tongue over it. God, I want him. "Well, you don't seem to be proving me otherwise," I reply, trying to keep my wits about me.

He shakes his head, and then slides out of his tight jeans. He stands there, naked in front of me, with a look of pure agony on his face. I feel myself go hard just looking at him.

"Baby, just stop this," he purrs, knowing what the sight of him does to me. "I want to touch you."

I blow air through my lips, and then tip the bottle up for another drink. He growls, and then crosses the room in two-steps, slapping the bottle out of my hand. It flies across the room and shatters against the wall.

I open my mouth to protest, but before I can, he pushes his lips against mine and slips his tongue inside my mouth. My head is spinning. The taste of him and the tequila is too much. I am too damn drunk to fight as he pushes me down on to the bed.

"Hang on, Shane-O," he growls, licking my ear. "You're about to go for a ride."

I laugh, the sound brining a smile to his face.

"I knew I could make you feel better," he says, beginning to unbutton my shirt.

He definitely does. I can only lay here as he undresses me. He chuckles when he gets to my black silk boxer shorts, and pulls them off with one quick tug.

"God, you're beautiful," he whispers, looking over me. I feel his strong hands run the length of my body. He doesn't bother switching off the light--he kicks the lamp and sends it crashing to the floor. The room is totally dark. Slowly, my eyes adjust, and I see him looking at me.

"Why do I feel this way, Shane?" he asks, running his finger along my ribs. I gasp, my cock eagerly awaiting attention. "Why do I love you?"

I go numb. He just said 'I love you.' I don't know what to do. "You love me?" I ask, wanting to make sure I wasn't hearing things.

"Uh-huh," he mumbles, his tongue tracing its way down my chest.

I can't stand it any more. "Hunter," I moan, biting my lower lip to keep from screaming as his tongue flicks over my nipple.

He looks up. "Yes?"

"Fuck me," I whisper, giving in to him. "Please, just fuck me."

He smiles, knowing his has won. "If you insist..." He moves up and covers my mouth with his, almost counting my teeth with his tongue. I grab him by the waist, needing to feel his skin against mine.

"Persistent tonight, are we?" he teases, and then he flips me over so that I am on my stomach. He reaches for the lubricant that he knows is in the bedside table drawer, and I watch him as he coats his length, already hard and waiting.

There is no need for much more foreplay tonight. We are both ready for each other. He prepares me by inserting two fingers into my entrance. I rock back against him, wanting him so badly I was ready to burst.

"Hunter, goddammit, would you just fuck me?" I nearly shriek.

My cock twitches as I hear him chuckle. "Well, persistence does have its rewards."

He enters me until I can feel his hips pressed against me. I gasp, both from the momentary discomfort and the instantaneous pleasure. He starts to thrust against me, burying himself further each time.

"Hunter," I moan, beginning to rock back to meet him. I feel his hand touch my cock, and he strokes it gently.

He is thrusting harder now, and starting to groan. It is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I receive some pleasure from hearing him pant. "God, baby, you are so tight. You feel so good."

He is close, I can feel it. He thrusts once more, and he shudders against me as I feel his seed exploding inside me. His finger traces my spine and I lose it, shooting my load in his hand.

He withdraws and moves his sweat-slicked body beside me, wrapping his arms around me. He licks my ear, then nuzzles against the back of my neck. "I feel so alive when I'm with you, baby. I've felt dead inside for so long. I don't know what I'd do if I were to lose you."

He drifts off to sleep as I begin to cry.

~~**~~

I awake before Hunter and crawl from the bed, making a bee-line for the shower. I can't even look back at him as I go. He looks like an angel when he's sleeping, and I can't even stand to look at him—I’m still pissed, and no amount of sex will change that.

I climb into the shower, letting the water run over me. Damn him, I think. He'd been sleeping with Sean for a week before I found out. That's why I had asked for a hotel room as far away from both of them as possible. I had thought that my feelings for Sean were gone, but it seems I have one feeling left for him—jealousy.

Hunter apologized, of course, and swore that he would stop seeing him. I believed him, like always, but when I called him to go and get some dinner, just before I got the bottle of tequila, Sean answered the phone. I slammed down the receiver and headed for the bar to acquire my comfort.

I shut the water off, grab and towel, and wipe myself dry. What hurts me the most is that he had to cheat with Sean. He couldn't pick anyone else on the planet. He knew that I would forgive him if it was Sean. He was right. I did.

Walking out of the bathroom, I had never been more scared in my life. Hunter is awake, leaning against the headboard with the remote control in his hand. He looks up and smiles at me. "Hey, baby."

I smile in return, then take my suit for the day off of the hanger and proceed to get dressed.

"Are you trying to tease me?" he asks, his eyes roaming over my half-clothed body.

**Are you trying to break my fucking heart in half?** "No, of course not," I smile in return.

He looks at the bedside clock. "Shit, I've got to get going."

"Early morning meeting?" I ask, knowing exactly where he is headed.

He peers at me strangely, then nods. "Yeah, with the writers."

I pull on my pants and button them as he puts his clothes from the previous night back on. He crosses the room and kisses me, putting his hands in my wet hair. "I'll miss you, baby."

I smile as he releases me and heads for the door. While his back is turned, I reach for my briefcase and pull out the small handgun. It is already cocked and ready to fire.

"Goodbye, Shane," he says, turning around to look at me.

I fire without even pausing, sending a bullet straight to his chest. Blood pours over the green DX letters on his t-shirt, and he sinks to his knees, his eyes watering. He mouths a soundless "Why?" then collapses to the ground, motionless.

"Because you said goodbye," I reply as I put the gun into my mouth and fire.

~~**~~

My eyes open. Am I dead? All I can see is bright white light, until my eyes focus and I realize that I am in a hospital room. The side of my face hurts like hell, and I can't move my jaw. It has been wired shut. I had shot through my cheek, not into my brain, as planned. There is no worse feeling of failure than not being able to kill yourself when you try. The events of the last morning I was conscious were hazy. I only remembered putting the gun into my mouth and firing.

I turn and see that my father is sitting beside me, his head in his hands. "Dad?" I say weakly.

His head snaps up, and he looks at me with tears in his eyes. "Oh, God, Shane. You're awake."

"How long have I been out for?" I ask, trying to talk through my metal teeth.

"Three days," he answers quietly.

I want him to take my hand, to squeeze it and tell me he loves me. Instead, he stares at me like I am a stranger. "Shane, I'm not going to ask you why you did it. I just want you to know that I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

I look at him, hardly believing the words I am hearing. "I'm sorry, Dad," I force out.

He smiles and nods his head. "I'm glad you are alive, son. Things will change once you're back on your feet, I promise."

I smile, and my jaw suddenly aches. My father's face turns grim. "Shane, there's something else."

"What?" I ask, looking him dead in the eye.

"Hunter is dead."

I close my eyes as the landslide takes me down.

~~**THE END**~~