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| This past December was the 10th anniversary of the silent entrance my son, Chandler, made into this world. The last several years were a breeze in regards to grief. I thought my heavy grieving days were over. Then November approached and I began to feel that heaviness upon my chest. I kept trying to push it away thinking it was impossible to feel that deep grief again. After 10 years, it wasn't impossible........ I found myself surrounded by the darkness that blinds you to the festivness around you. We lost a dear family pet, Buffy Ann, just days after Chandler's anniversary. I was going through some serious medical tests etc.... I isolated myself and took refuge. Constantly wondering, 'how can this be after so long?'. I decided to skip Christmas! I took the advice of many bereavement writers and didn't even put up our tree this year. I allowed myself that space that I so desperately needed. I didn't worry what others would think, and I ignored those that truly felt I was being a scrooge. I didn't attend one x-mas event this year and didn't even do those "traditional things" that many do come hell or high water. I simply allowed the grief to have it's time and I spent many hours writing and just being. I can tell you that once Christmas Day arrived, I knew I was ready to enjoy it. I spent the wee hours of the morning with my husband and the puppies. Then we went to my parents house and enjoyed a day of laughter and love. I am blessed by skipping the x-mas season this year. It showed me that it is truly okay to follow your own heart. Only YOU knows what is best for you. My son, Chandler, often communicates with me through music. He did again this holiday season and I wanted to share his message with all of you. It has truly been a big blessing these past 2 months. I was sitting in my car one day, parked in front of a store. Just sobbing. That uncontrollable crying where the heaviness in your heart just takes over your entire body. Something told me to turn on the radio and this is the song that was playing: You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban Don't give up It's just the weight of the world When you're heart's heavy I, I will lift it for you Don't give up Because you want to be heard If silence keeps you I, I will break it for you Everybody wants to be understood Well I can hear you Everybody wants to be loved Don't give up Because you are loved Don't give up It's just the hurt that you hide When you're lost inside I, I'll be there to find you Don't give up Because you want to burn bright If darkness blinds you I, I will shine to guide you Everybody wants to be understood Well I can hear you Everybody wants to be loved Don't give up Because you are loved You are loved Aaaah Don't give up It's just the weight of the world Don't give up Everyone needs to be heard You are loved I hope that you take the time to listen to this song at some point knowing that your loved ones bring you the very same message. On the table x-mas morning was a gift for me, wrapped with a label that read "To Mommy Love Chandler". The cd, so that whenever I feel those distance shadows of darkness again I can be reminded that he is always with me. Love, Kacie Schleier Founder of SGAL |