If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

THE NEW PRIEST

The new priest was nervous at his first mass and he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next Sunday pour some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The following Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Apostles, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
5. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
6. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
7. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
10. We do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and the boys".
11. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the cherry".
12. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are never referred to as "The Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook"
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

DON'T DO DRUGS

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor," the first one said, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And how did you do?" he asked turning to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison…

THE BIBLE MENTIONS P.M.S.

A bishop was telling his ward that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the meeting, he was approached by a sister who said, "Bishop, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The bishop replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after sacrament meeting, the bishop called the sister aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Oh, my God...

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
"Yes, well my son is a Cardinal," the third Catholic woman says, "Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three woman give her the subtle, "Well....?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'."

Another lawyer joke

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

IMPORTANT NOTICE

PLEASE NOTICE: You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
THE DEPARTMENT OF NOTIFICATION

The first pitch

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw out the first PITCH!'"

Decisions

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jane. He thought he'd fire the employee who came in late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then, the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jane took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jane finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jane, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jane said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Dirty Little Parrot

When uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was a cuss word. And those that weren't cuss words were, to say the very least, extreamly rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music - anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot, but the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming...Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Truly Sexist Joke

In everyone's childhood, there is always one child who seemed to have always had something bigger and better than everyone else all the time. Here is the story of one such child and her friend...
Little Gary was getting quite frustrated. Janine always seemed to have something to top whatever Gary had. Gary's dad got him a "Big Wheels" toy and all that Janine could say was, "So what? MY dad got me a ten-speed bike..."
Some time later, Gary was fortunate to acquire a Trivial Pursuit set, and of course Janine said, "Big deal! MY dad got me a computer to play with!"
Poor little Gary was exasperated. What did he have that was bigger and better than whatever Janine had. And, he got an idea...
Later that week, Gary went to visit Janine. He walked into the room unzipped his pants, and said "Look what I got! I bet you can't top this!"
Janine shrugged her shoulders and unzipped her jeans and said, "Yeah, but I have one of these, and with it I can get as many of those as I want!"

The Lone Ranger