transitions

You know, in life there are changes. That is inevitable. There are transitions
that change your life forever, that shape who you are becoming.

"To break free is to go beyond into the unknown that is speculative, conjecture, uncertain. And out there, entity, you have all the freedom to take for the first time in your existence your own God-given brilliance that you certainly are and apply it in a way that you deliver yourself from the enslavement of someone else's ideals and create your own." -Ramtha

"To become unlimited means change, and not all wish to change. It takes courage to be what you are but, once seen, it is joyous. And it is easier to be a God than not to be one." -Ramtha

Two weeks ago the crocuses and the tiny, shy violets made their first appearance from their dark and musty tombs, to gaze up at the brightness of the sunlight. The tulips have emerged in all their regalia, and the forsythia are just beginning to brighten our gardens with their bright yellow promises of Spring. The lilacs are sprouting leaf buds, and the trees are showing signs of renewed life after their winter slumber. Gazing out my back door at the lilac bush I noticed a bluebird nearly at my feet. We gazed at each other in respect, as he went about nibbling the dainty leftovers I had thrown out from the seed cup in the parakeets' cage. As I started to close the door, I noticed a robin flying in from the west, to partake of the brunch being served. The birds had changed residence from their winter quarters, returning to bless us with their presence and with their song. All Nature heralds change! Why are we so hesitant, so resistant to embrace the changes in life? What is it about change that so frightens us? Change is met at once with trepidation and excitement.

The changes in life. . .hmmmmm, let's see. In reflection, there ARE specific incidences that stand
out as definite transitions. These would be transitions that would forever change my life, closing the door on one aspect of my beingness, and opening another one to reveal a totally different person reflected in the mirror. Oh, maybe not the physical reflection, for
that is difficult to change within a day, or several days. But the change was mirrored through the eyes, the window to my inner world where transformations
take place.

We were staying at the house of one of my parents' friends. My brothers and sister and I were playing tag outside, when I met my transformation from girl-child to young woman. It was one of those terrifying yet exciting times when I knew that finally I was arriving at that stage of "growing up." That very special time is vaguely shadowed by my father's crude, crass, embarassing remarks that almost ruined for me the transition to womanhood. If I'd had a better memory, lol, it could have ruined my self-esteem forever! Or, did the haunting shadows of that time really shape the woman I am today, and some of the problems I deal with often?

    As I stepped outside to gather logs for the wood stove, I noticed the V-shaped formation of geese flying south for their wintering. The nights have been in the crisp 30's, and the days are still playing with summer temperatures in the 70's. Mother Nature is making yet another transition as she prepares for her winter slumber. Country drives are resplendent with the rich red leaves of the dogwood and sumac. The scrub oaks have grasped onto the last rays of summer and glow with yellow glory. Here and there a few violet leaves dot the panorama, adding an ethereal feel to the majesty of these Pacific forests. Another summer has been added to the annals of my memory, and I am yet to finish this part of my journaling contribution to my children.

     Reading through these paragraphs has renewed my journey to the past, bringing to remembrance those transitions that would forever affect who and what I am.

     Autumn is a very special time, as I reflect, for that was when this Jesus freak had her first real religious experience. It was in a little Nazarene church in Dana, IN The church was singing, "Victory in Jesus".....and, as a teen I could really use some victories! Being the oddball in the family didn't help my self-image, nor did the constant battle with my siblings. Jesus' love for the sinner had been proclaimed, and this ole' sinner headed for the altar. This was my salvation experience, with all of the hanky-waving, repenitent sobbing, glory hallelujahs included from the church members who sat behind me. It was to be the one change in my life that really gave me the excuse to take charge of my life. At least at that time, it gave me courage to meet the taunts and wrath of my family with compassion and love. It opened up a whole new world of Bible studies, youth groups, music, church Halloween parties complete with hayrides, and later, campus fellowships at the local colleges and universities. It gave me extracurricular activites after school when I joined the Bible Club (yes, it was allowed "way back then" *smiles wistfully*) Also, it gave me my first taste of leadership responsibilities when I became President of our Church Youth Group. We had moved from Dana to "town" and I had joined a Baptist church there. My father delighted in his derision by telling me my church was a harlot, I was a fake, and any other torturous thing he could think to say. Usually I was nonplussed, but sometimes totally "lost it" reverting back to my old angers and resentments. Many a night I cried myself to sleep quietly singing, "Teenager, Are you Lonely?".

     Ultimately, this religious awakening would lead me to a Southern Bible University where I was to meet my husband. Oh, the marvelous ways of Divine Intervention, or Divine Leading, lol

It was in the little paper of a town of about 100. Everyone had been invited.
Even Happy, the ex-boxer turned town cop had come by. The standing joke for
everyone was, "sweet sixteen, and never
been kissed." How I was razzed that day!
I solaced myself by indulging in the biggest sheet cake, adorned with the prettiest confectionary sweetpeas. To this day, sweetpeas are one of my favorite flowers. That day I knew in my heart that
there was more to life than kissing and making out, and infecting a whole construction gang -- the proud accomplishment of two of my girl cousins.
Even then, in 1966, I was on a spiritual
quest. This flower child chose to be a
"Jesus freak." Those were the days of awakening!

Last Updated on 01/19/06
Music Playing: Sentimental Journey"

My first genuine heartbreak, and my first encounter with the circle of life came one dreary evening in the spring of 1959. It was the evening I faced death for the first time, and understood the meaning of separation from someone you love.
It was to be the time my childhood hero, my champion, my grandpa, was snatched from us by a senseless act of greed and selfishness. As he was closing shop, two men he knew beat him senseless and robbed him. Then, they carried him into my grandma's house. We had been waiting for grandpa to join us for desert, and then we were going shopping for shoes. My grandpa was maliciously murdered. We watched it
on the news,

we went to the funeral home, we grieved. And, after the funeral, when we were stationed in Germany, I saw him again. All of us kids saw him, and I discovered that death was not final. But, that is another story entirely. Needless to say, the death of my one true childhood friend changed the course of my life forever.

1968 was a magical year. How I longed for independence. My senior year of high school held promises of financial freedom, as well as freedom from a family I felt did not want me around. Perhaps that was just the angst of most teenagers, but I had my dreams! The sixties in and of themselves held out an age of Acquarius trumpeting the virtues of love and peace. How I dreamed of conquering the world!

     For our senior trip, we were to take a trip to Washington, D.C. Unfortunately, in their zeal to leave a mark on the world, some of the senior boys emblazoned the school smoke stack with the insignia "'68"! It glowed there right above the dates of senior classes preceding ours. This year, however, the powers that be deemed it to be a malicious act, and our senior trip was cancelled. This was also the last year our high school had a dress code.

     Three of the most popular girls were sent home for wearing mini-skirts to school, and one dear friend of mine was refused graduation because she was pregnant. Needless to say, she and the young man were married, and had remained so when I saw them last, 10 years later. So much for the antiquated wisdom of our elders, *sarcastic tone intended*   LOL

     Our Baccalaureate address brought to my consciousness what was to become one of my favorite words. FACADE. How many times I have referred to that speech that introduced me clearly to the masks people hide behind in life, myself included. This journaling is my attempt to come clean and expose myself for who I am for the posterity of Song and Wizard, and their children.