The Assassin Bar Written by April Olson Cast of characters Lynch (L-inch).................The Klutz Rio (Ree-Oh)..................His mentor Tolkar (Toll-car)............ Bar bum assassin Camvie (K-ham-Vee).............Male friend of Tolkar Vambie (V-ham-bee).............Female friend of Tolkar Votieka (V-oh-take-ah).........Fata leader Mac........................... Bartender Bunny..........................Waitress ACT ONE Scene 1: In the dimming evening in an alien bar Lynch, Tolkar, with Camvie and Vambie sit in a corner. Rio sits at the bar across the room with Mac. Tolkar: So there I was (Swings drink in the air) totally surrounded by 53 of Baloka's most well armed body guards. And I (Picks up spoon) only had enough revenue in my pistol to make one single shot. (Stands up) I knew I had to make it count. So I lined Baloka up with my good eye, (Sticks face into Vambie's) and let 'er rip! (Throws spoon, hits Lynch) Lynch: (Picks up spoon) Woah there Tolkar, don't be going off and try'n to kill me now. (Hands Tolkar spoon) Vambie: (To Lynch) What would you do if he did? (Grins) Try to kill him first? (Laughs with Camvie and Tolkar) I would love to see that! Camvie: I would pay fifteen-hundred Gofats (Elbows Vambie) just to see Lynch here, kill a little Tay rat.(Vambie, Camvie, and Tolkar laugh harder) Tolkar: (Walks behind Lynch) Now, now, (Sarcastically) It's not his fault he can't kill anyone. (Lynch folds arms and is upset) I mean, look at him, (rests hand on Lynch's shoulder) an assassin that could never kill anything. (Looks away, acts sad) Such a curse (Shakes head) Such a horrible curse. Lynch: (Sticks out chest) I can too kill! (Stutters) I...I... just am not as...lucky...as other...assassins Vambie: (Laughs) Lucky?! More like , Klutzy! Camvie: (Points at bar sign) See that sign over there. (Lynch nods) This bar is called The Assassin Bar. This place is for assassins. Vambie: And contractors. (Leans against table, to Lynch) And how many years have you supposedly been an assassin for heir. Lynch: (Mumbles) Three. Camvie: Three years! And not a single successfully completed contract. Vambie: (Grins) My, my, how do you make a living? (Lynch pouts, Vambie and Camvie laugh) Tolkar: (To Lynch) Oh don't worry about that Lynch, (Pulls out paper) because to day is your lucky day my friend! (Hands paper to Lynch) Today you get your chance. (Sits back down) Lynch: (Looks over paper) A Contract? Tolkar: Yes, For the assassination of the underground Fata leader, Votieka! (leans over table) Now , Votieka is a hard guy to get, (Whispers to Lynch) but he is supposedly going to be at the Palik trading company warehouse at 1 AM. (Lynch leans over table) Now that's in about 7 hours from now... (Lynch nods) Scene 2: At around 1 AM that following morning a dim light reveals Votieka and 5 other alien men surrounded by boxes and crates in a warehouse. Votieka: (Whispers to men) Now Balgo is going to be arriving here soon. (Points) I want you (Points) and you to be by the door. I want to make sure no one else comes in ( Lynch sneaks through window) And I want... (Looks at Lynch) Lynch: (Steps into box, falls) SSSSHHHHH! (Runs into more boxes) I Said SSSHHHH! Votieka: (Shouts to Lynch ) Who are you? Lynch: I am Lynch the great assassin, (Stands up strait) and I have come to kill Votieka. Are you him? Votieka: (Grins) No, I'm his fairy god father, (Points to men) and these are my merry men. Lynch: Oh, (Relaxes) in that case I'll just hang 'till he comes. Votieka: (Rolls eyes, points at lynch) Get him! ( Lynch runs) I want him dead! (3 men run after) Lynch: (Shouts as exiting) You guys don't look very merry to me! (3 men exit) Votieka: (Shakes head) That guy can not be an assassin. (2 gun shots, 2 men next to Votieka fall) Rio: (Enters) Maybe he's not, but I am. (Votieka turns to Rio) Votieka: (Stutters) Uh...uh.. .who are ya...ya...you ? Rio: (Walks to Votieka) Just consider me a friend of the angel of death. Lynch: (Reenters, screams) This shouldn't be happening! (Runs stumbling off stage, 3 men fallow) Rio: Your right. He can't be an assassin. Now where were we? (looks at Votieka) Votieka: (pulls out gun) Right here. (clears throat) My fate will not be sealed today my lady. Rio: (Rolls onto ground, shoots Votieka, Votieka fall, stands up) Say that again (Kicks Votieka) I thought so. Lynch: (Reenters, screams) Ahhh! Dear God! (stumbles) Somebody help me! (Rio shoots 3 men , men fall) Ahhh! A lunatic with a gun ! (Ducks and covers ) Rio: (Steps on Lynch's back) So you're the great Lynch, huh? Lynch: (Rolls over) Well, sorta' . (sits up) I'm really not much in the way of being the 'great' anything (Kicks a box, depress) Except the great klutz. Rio: (Helps Lynch up) Oh, your not that bad. Well, maybe you are. The name's Rio. Lynch: (Looks at Votieka sadly) Who killed the fairy god father? (mourns) He was such a large fairy. Rio: (Eyes Lynch) That's Votieka, and I killed him for you. Lynch: (Turns to Rio) Really? I never knew he had a multiple personality disorder, Thanks a lot. Rio: (Unsure) Yah, don't mention it. Tell me Lynch, is it true you've been an assassin for 3 years and not been able to kill a single thing? Lynch: (Mumbles) Yah. Rio: (Looks around) Look, I don't normally do this, but since I've seen you at work, I think I can help you out with your dilemma. Lynch: (Excited) Really? You'd help me out? Rio: Sure, why not. Anything to keep the name of assassin's from going down the drain. (Both walk to exit) By the way, how do you make a living if you can't kill anyone? Lynch: Well, I'm the leading ballerina at the old folks home on Sundays. (Imitates a ballerina, both exit) Scene 3: At noon that following day behind the bar Rio sits on some crates as Lynch listens to her. Rio: (Picks up can) Now this is an old human trick you might be familiar with. (Stands up) I'm going to throw this can into the air, and all you need to do is shoot it. Understand? Lynch: (Nods) Gotch'ya. Rio: Ready? (Lynch nods, throws can, can hits ground) Lynch: (Shoots ground) I got it! I got it! (jumps around) I hit the can! Rio: (Covers face) You were suppose to shoot the can when it was in the air. Lynch: Oh, ok. Lets try again. Rio: All right, (Grabs can) ready? (Lynch nods, throws can, Lynch shoots as can passes window) Mac: (In pain) Ahhh! My arm! Rio: (Runs to window) Sorry Mac! Won't happen again! (Mac curses) Lynch: (Jumps around) I Hit it in the air! I'm getting good at this. (Picks up can) Let's do it again! (Hands can to Rio) Rio: (Looks at can) I don't think that's a good idea Lynch. (Looks at window) Lets move on. (Uncovers a dummy) Now, there are 45 different ways to kill a Kalota, 75 different ways to kill a Raytaba (Leans against dummy) and about 5,275,392 ways to kill a human. (points at Lynch) So that leaves you at one hell of a disadvantage. (Walks around dummy) Which also makes me wonder how you've been able to survive these past few years. Lynch: (Shrugs) Well, if you put it that way, I guess I'm pretty lucky. Rio: (Excited) Exactly! You might not have been able to kill anyone, but there's something in you that won't let you die. Your style needs a little improvement, (Mumbles) about the size of the planet, (Speaks up) but over the next couple of days I'll show you what you need, and what (Tugs on Lynch's jacket) you don't need. Lynch: What's wrong with my jacket? Rio: Nuthing, if you were the average Joe, but you're an assassin. You need to blend in with the shadows (Opens crate) You need to be intimidating. You need this. (Pulls out trench coat) Lynch: (Feels coat) Wow! This is so cool! Rio: It will protect you from all sorts of weaponry, like your gun. But remember, nuthing is protecting your head from being blown off. (Gives coat to Lynch) Lynch: Oh, that's ok. Vambie says there's nuthing there anyway. (Both exit) Scene 4: A few days later Tolkar, Camvie and Vambie sit around the bar with Mac and Bunny. Tolkar: (To Mac) So, I heard you were a victim of the great Lynch. What's up with that, Mac? Mac: (Cleans mug) Oh, That lady assassin, Rio has been teachin' Lynch how to kill things. Camvie: (Sarcastic) I didn't know there was going to be a tryout for being targets. (Smiles) Bunny: Now Lynch has gotten a lot better. (Pats Mac's arm, Mac groans) He's been practicing all week with Rio and he sounds pretty good. (Hands Tolkar drink) Almost as good as you, Tolkar. Tolkar: (Laughs) Yah, right. Rio, as I heard it, had to save Lynch's butt the other day from Votieka and his men. There is no way he could have gotten as good as me within less than a week. (Straitens up) With or without Rio's help. Bunny: Oh, yah. Wanna bet? Tolkar: Of course! I bet 35 Gofats (Pulls out money) that Lynch will not complete the next contract given to him. (Pulls money back from Bunny) But I pick who he kills. Bunny: Fine by me. (Takes Tolkar's money) Tolkar: (To Mac) Here, hand me the lists of the latest contracts. (Mac hands list to Tolkar) Lets see. (Reads from list) Nadibie, Fatieba , Snielo... Here, here's the guy! (Grins) Kagma! Camvie: (Surprise) Lynch is more likely to die against Kagma , than to kill him! Vambie: Let alone escape with his head. Mac: (Opens cash register) In that case , I bet Kagma will wipe the floor with Lynch's dead carcass. Bunny: (Upset) Mac! How could you say that? Mac: (Puts money on counter) Well , it's true. (Rubs arm) (Lynch enters, Bunny grabs money, Tolkar hides list, everyone stairs at Lynch) Lynch: (Paranoid) I didn't do it! Bunny: (Kindly) No, no. I know you didn't do anything. (Walks up to Lynch, feels jacket) My, my where did you get the jacket? (Looks upset) You didn't steal it, did you? Lynch: Oh, no! (Smiles) Rio gave it too me. (Shows off jacket) It's suppose to protect me from stuff. Mac: (Mumbles) Just not from your own stupidity. Bunny: (To Mac) Mac! (Mac cowers, to lynch) Come , sit, have a drink Lynch. Tell us what you've been up to. Lynch: (Sits at bar) Well this lady assassin named Rio has been teachin' me how to assassinate people and how not to screw up at all. Camvie: Really? (Pokes Lynch) Prove it. Lynch: (Smiles) Ok! (Grabs can, hands to Camvie) here, toss this in the air and I'll shoot it. (Pulls out gun) Mac: (Ducks, Screams) In my bar, You'd better not! Tolkar: I've got a better way for you to prove your new defined talents. Lynch: Ok. (Puts gun away) Tolkar: There's a new contract out for a little guy named Kagma. If you could kill this guy you'd get paid 75 hundred Gofats. Lynch: Wow, that's a lot of money! He must be some pain for someone to want to get rid of him that much. Mac: (Mumbles) If only I had that kinda money to get rid of you. Bunny: (Hits Mac's arm, Mac groans) Knock it off! Lynch: (Smiles) Don't worry, I'll get 'em. It'll be easy, just you see. (Exits) Bunny: (Sighs) That poor boy, I hope He'll be ok. Mac: Not with my money on the table, He'd better die! Bunny: (Tries to hit Mac's arm, Mac moves away) Mac! Oh , you are so terrible! Mac: (Grins) Well I didn't hook the David up with the Goliath. So don't blame me. I just made the bet. Bunny: (Upset) Oh! I can't believe you people! I thought Lynch was your friend! Tolkar: Hey, I didn't bet the kid would die. (Backs off) Vambie: Plus, we're only playing with him. We wouldn't put him into any real dangerous situations. Bunny: You just put Lynch up against a massive killer and you say he's not in danger! Ah! (Stomps out, exits) Camvie: What's her problem? Mac: (Casual) PMS, be glad, it only happens once a month. Scene 5: A few days later Lynch, Rio, Mac, and Vambie sit around the bar. A bloody bag sits in front of Lynch. Rio: So there it is, The head of Kagma. (Mac mumbles) It's your first successfully completed contract. How do you feel Lynch? Lynch: I feel proud. I didn't need anyone's help at all! It was actually pretty easy. Mac: (Washes table) I don't believe it. I just Don't believe it. Vambie: (Sighs) Wait until Tolkar hears about this. Lynch: (Happy) So when do I get paid? Mac: Bunny already called up the contractor. He said he'll be here Tuesday to check out the head, (Sighs) and he'll pay yah then. Lynch: Great! (Hums "We're in the money") Rio: So, what are you going to do now? Lynch: Well, I guess I could try a few more contracts. Rio: Ok. (To Mac) Mac, the latest contracts please. Mac: Here. (Hands list to Lynch) There are only 3 on there, but nobody wants to really take them. Lynch: (Folds list, puts in pocket) I'll take 'em. Vambie: (In shock) Are you sure Lynch? All three? Lynch: Yah, why not? If nobody wants 'em... Plus , Ballet is not really payin' the bills too well, and I need the money. Mac: (Laughs)Yah, I heard your land lord was planning on putting you on the next contract list Rio: Well, they'll have a hard time killing Lynch here. I mean, not everyone is daring enough to take those three guys on. Lynch: Which reminds me, I I better get home be for my land lord changes the locks on the doors. (Stands up) So, I can leave this here? (Points to bag) Mac: (Looks up) Yah, I'll hang on to it. Lynch: Thanks Mac. See you all later then. Bye. (Exits) Scene 6: Several nights later Tolkar with Camvie and Vambie sit in the corner of the bar. Camvie: (Whines) I'm starving! Vambie: (Upset) Well it's not my fault Lynch has taken every, single, job there is out there, leaving us with no money. Tolkar: It's been about two weeks since Lynch has been on his little spree, (Looks around) and it doesn't seem like it's going to end anytime soon. Vambie: So what do you expect? (Smirks) We take Lynch's old job? Camvie: (Wines) But I don't look good in a tutu. Tolkar: (To Camvie) No, you tin cup! We get rid of the problem. Vambie: You don't mean... (Gasps) to Lynch? Tolkar: I think it's about time the great Lynch learns the true meaning of his own name. Scene 7: The next day in The Assassin Bar Tolkar with Vambie and Camvie lie in ambush for Lynch. Tolkar: (Leans by door) Ok, Vambie (Points) You rope him around the neck and hold him. While you Camvie, (points) shoot Lynch in the chest, And I'll cut off that little cheats head. Vambie: (Looks out window) Here he comes. (Runs behind door) Lynch: (Enters) I'm Back! Mac, Bunny, you here? (Closes door) (Vambie ropes Lynch around neck, Lynch flips Vambie into front, Camvie fires, Vambie screams and falls dead) Camvie: (Cries) Vambie, No! (Lynch pulls out sword, cuts Camvie across stomach, Vambie screams and falls dead, Tolkar pulls out sword, runs screaming at lynch, clash swords several times, Lynch trips, falls back on table top) Tolkar: (Pushing sword against Lynch's sword) Same old klutz, Lynch! I'll keep you from stealing my jobs! Lynch: Not this time old friend! (Pulls out gun, shoots Tolkar, falls on table dead) Bunny: (Enters) Oh my God! What happened here? (Rushes to Lynch) Are you ok? Lynch: Yes, I'm fine (Looks at bodies) I just can't believe they'd turn on me. Bunny: Your not hurt are you? (Looks Lynch over) No cuts… no bruises? Lynch: (Sighs) Just my pride in my once, so called friends. Bunny: (Pats Lynch) There, there. (Looks at bodies) I'd better go get Mac. (Exits) Lynch: (Leans over Camvie) And No my friend Camvie, you wouldn't of looked bad in a tutu. (Smiles) At least, not in a green one. Mac: (Enters, looks around) Lynch! (Upset) You know the bar rules! (Shakes finger) No blood in the bar!(Walks over to Lynch, Lynch cowers) I am not cleaning this mess up! (Throws towel at Lynch) I want this place spotless! Got it? (Walks to door, Lynch nods) I'm closing 'til morning, (Opens door) and I better not smell Tolkar's rotting carcass (Points) over there! (Slams door, exits) Lynch: (Looks at bodies, whines) Bunny! Can you help me? (Stumbles, exits) The End