-Homer: Door?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog, cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.
-Homer: Let that be a lesson to ya, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me.
-Homer: Oh no! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with ten thousand angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.
-Homer: Ah, I love these lazy Saturdays.
Marge: It's Wednesday, Homer.
Homer: Ah! Work!
-Homer: Okay, before I show ya, who wants to guess how I got the money?
Bart: Dealing drugs?
Lisa: Drugs?
Marge: I'd have to say drugs, too.
Homer: Close, but you're way off.
-Bart: Hey, Lis! We're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa: How humiliating.
-Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em stenchblossoms.
Homer: Or crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.
-Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls, why all the hair, why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, you look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to somethin', aren't you?
Homer: No, I'm just going out to commit certain deeds.
Homer:
-I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face.
-Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw! Oh, no! I'm being erased!
-Bart, are you in there? Did you forget about our little Kablamo talk?
-Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the g's!
-So, what do you like, Lisa? Via-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?
-It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.
-We're gettin' out of here, now! Jump in Marge, trust me! Throw the kids - no time for the baby!
-Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.
-Hmmm. Two bucks...and it only transports matter? Well, ah, I'll give ya thirty-five cents.
-I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.
-I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.
-You're all nuts.
-Kids! The carnival's in town for one night only! And they've got cotton candy and hats with feathers, and there's no lines because all the stupid kids have curfew, so...Oh right, sorry.
-S'cuse me while I kiss the sky.
-I'm gonna be an outsider artist! That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia, and antiques into something valuable!
-You know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!
-It's about a killer robot driving instuctor who travels back in time for some reason.
Bart:
-I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
-Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup.
-Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?
-Look! In the sky! It's Superfly!
-Cool, twice the pet and none of the mess.
-Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.
-You got the brains and talent to go as far as you want, no matter what anyone says. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
-Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
-Your right, Lis. I can suck up to him, like the religious suck up to God.
-I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
-Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever. I hate America!
-And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
-Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die?
-I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but...you're smarter than me.
-Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
-I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
-Hey Dad, heard you swearin'. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap.
-It's crap-tacular.
Marge:
-Strange, regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. Hmph. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.
-How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this?
-May I remind you two people are dead...oh wait, I just got it.
-Homer, you know how unpredictable the French are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next they're chopping off her head.
-Hey kids! I made your favourite cookies: Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart.
-They need a good, stiff, all purpose-shoe. Something for church, but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups, piano recitals, building dedications, visiting elderly relatives, haircuts, and shoe shopping.
-Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living!
-It's just until we pay off Daddy's desecration of a priceless artifact. I thought I'd never have to say that again.
-It's time we opened up a can of whup-tushie on this situation!
-Aw, it just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging. By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary.
-Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts, and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
Lisa:
-I cheated! Cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated!
-It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic low-lifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, Dad. Heh, heh.
-Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
-Oooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
-Don't worry, Bart, you won't learn anything.
-I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is exactly. All I know is He's a force more powerful than Mum and Dad put together and you owe him big.
-You're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
-Well, if it'll help...Uhhh, Mum found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.
-Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch 'The McLaughlin Group?'
Abe:
-I got a home remedy that'll put the zowzers back in your trousers.
-I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
-Son, don't go up that mountain - you'll die up there, just like I did!
-My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
-The pink ones keep ya from screamin'.
-Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.
-Y'know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.
-Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot a Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.
-I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
-They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.
Flanders:
-Oh, golly, if that doesn't put the shaz in shazam.
-I should box your ears you, you, you...Sneaky Pete!
-All right, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
-Look, Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and then, go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves.
-Looks like Heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.
-Sports on a Sunday. Hmmm. I better check with Reverend.
-January 1st! Better get goin' on those taxes, Neddy!
-Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're strainin' to do some explainin'!
-Well, sir, I hate to be a suspicious Aloysius on you, but did you steal my air conditioner?
-I just followed the three C's: clean living, chewing thoroughly, and a daily dose of vitamin church!
-I don't need to be told what to think - by anyone living.
-And right here's where they found the torso heap! In front of our very own fireplace!
-When I want to laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much.
Apu:
-Ah! The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
-Please do not offer my god a peanut.
-Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store you know.
-What will it be, Mr. Simpson? Your usual bucket of ice cream covered with miniature pies?
-Come one, come all! See the amazing frozen man! Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos. Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!
-Look at the outrageous markup! You magnificent bastard, I salute you.
-All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts.
-I do like to cook, I'm not much of a talker but I love to listen, and in my leisure time I like to build furniture and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room.
-What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
-I've just enrolled in a screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it, 'Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey.'
-I won't lie to you. On this job you will be shot at.
-He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.
Moe:
-Aw, there's nobody for Moe. I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and dead.
-Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days 'cause I'm takin' you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat!
-Homer, lighten up. You're making 'Happy Hour' bitterly ironic.
-All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Sea World!
-They called me 'Kid Gorgeous'. Later on, it was 'Kid Presentable'. Then 'Kid Gruesome'. And finally, 'Kid Moe'.
-It's been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.
-Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
-Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old fashioned voodoo.
-Well, if you're so sure what it ain't, how about tellin' us what it am!
-Homer, y' know I support most any prejudice you can name, but your hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more.
-Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah Slacks.
Mr. Burns:
-I can't believe it! I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires! I'm behind Adam Sandler, for god's sake!
-What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
-You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
-The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker!
-Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that, too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
-Ahoy hoy, lowly mortals.
-A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
-Look, Smithers, a twitch. It's moving! It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad - well, who's mad now?
-All right, Simpson, let's go over the signals. If I tug the bill of my cap like so, it means the signal is a fake. However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. If I want you to bunt, I will touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice. If I tug this here...
-Why, my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen, and I've been on safari.
-Isn't that cute? Smithers, he's joining the horsey set. That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
Pro. Frink:
-Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is...Love?! Who's been screwing with this thing?
-Sorry I'm late! There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Oh no! Wait! Please, no! Please, I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote the theme music! There, listen: *ahem!* "Hey! Hey! Professor Frink, Professor Frink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the...person." Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.
-Unshrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a re-bigulator, which is a concept so rediculous it makes me want to laugh out load and chortle, mmm, hey, ahhhh, but not at you oh holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance and the blood reign and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.
-You've got to listen to me! Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving!
-Brilliant! They transduced amplitude modulation via the conavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean that is some clever voyving.
-All right, step away, foolish amateurs, just keep back, keep out of it! The role is mine with the acting the groupies and the 'Luke, Luke save me' with the light saber and the Vwhing! Vwhing! Vwhing!
Chief Wiggum:
-You have the wrong number. This is nine-one-two.
-Krusty the Clown, you are under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say blah blah blah blah blah blah.
-So long, kids! Give my regards to the British Museum!
-Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime.
-You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my 'Forbidden Closet of Mystery'?
-Yeah, he's just playing "Wiggle Puppy." That's a dog he made up who flies by wagging his tail. I tell ya, that dog has had some amazing adventures.
-You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
-Yeah, everyone's heard of angels. But who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
-Okay, here's how the process works. You sit on the broom, and we shove you off the cliff.
-All right, Colossus, you're free to go, but stay away from Death Mountain.
-Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's...Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don't be shy, crowd around!
Principal Skinner:
-I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider...deportation.
-It's an emergency. Mother has a june bug cornered in the basement, and she needs me to finish it off.
-Children, I'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war we can only save our best and brightest. Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for Lisa Simpson, Martin Prince, our championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri.
-Order! Order! Do you want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time? -Attention! All honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig! Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archeological dig.
-My real name is Armin Tamzarian. I'm an orphan from Capital City and those who recall my fight to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn that I myself was once a street punk.
-They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Of course, if I had known there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.
-Up yours, children.
-My dreams all involve combing my hair.
-I've called this assembly to announce my retirement, effective as of the end of this sentence...this sentence I'm speaking...right now...period.
-It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene. And it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.
Comic Book Guy:
-Alec, Alec, regarding that so-called 'silent propulsion system' in The Hunt For Red October: I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.
-Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.
-I must hurry back to my Comic Book Store where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
-But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You're from two different worlds! Oh, I've wasted my life.
-Yes, this should supply adequate sustenance for the 'Dr. Who' marathon.
-Last night's "Itchy & Scrathchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
-Tubby? Oh, yes, Tubby.
-Ooh, pardon me, "Santos" - if that is your real name, Bart Simpson - but your phony credit card is not good here. Now make like my pants and split.
