Now playing by Creschendo is..."Desperado".
My Lils and In-Betweeners
I have several Lils so I will tell you a little about each one that I currently know about. I guess on a family tree they would be a separate branch with Older as their connection to the tree.
Timmy is four. He is in a closet that he never leaves. He took Older's place in the closet when my father locked me in it for punishment when I told my aunt what was happening to me. Timmy took over so Older could stay in control. During t (th*r*py), he learned how to play with some simple toys. When we moved, Timmy had progressed to sitting in the doorway of the closet but he refused to leave it. He was born to handle my terror of bugs, spiders, and enclosed spaces. Timmy is afraid of them but pretends he is fearless because boys are supposed to be brave. He has red brown hair that needs washing and dirt smudges on his face. He wears ill-fitting, old, and dirty clothes. He wants to come out of the closet but is afraid that when he does he will go away like Baby and Little Pickles did.
Baby was six months old. Little Pickles, who was two, always took care of Baby. When Baby spontaneously went away, (integrated) during a retreat I attended, Little Pickles also did. According to my T, they made "light blue paint". This phrase was an T's effort to help the system understand and deal with the grief of losing two of its parts. Baby's job was to help us deny what happened to us as children. Little Pickles' was to hold our need for loving parents and safety.
Sally is three. She lives under the porch of her uncle's house in Ft. Scott, Kansas and only leaves her sanctuary when she absolutely has to. Sally has her dolly and wants nothing else. She is afraid of all "growed-ups" so she only communicates with Older and occasionally my T. She does not eat. She is dirty and wears a faded torn dress that is three sizes too big. Sally named her only friend, her doll, "mommy". She hides so the core will never be hurt again by people who profess to care about the system.
Tina is also three. Older is the only one who knows and contacts Tina, which is how Tina likes it. Tina wants a loving mother but knows she can not have one so she made Older her parent. On my internal family tree, Tina's branch only connects to Older. Tina holds the system's feelings of abandonment and does not want to eat or play.
Recently two partial alters emerged. Both of them have only given their ages. One is ten years old and the other is six. I currently know nothing about them other then the fact that they made themselves known to a friend of mine within the last two weeks. It is very disquieting to the system when new alters appear. It ranks right up there with experiencing new flashbacks, finding new items in your house you know you did not buy, and people swearing they know you by another name and personality. I am unaware if they are true alters or partials at this point in time.
Update May 22, '98
Well, I now know, through a conversation with my friend, that "Ten" is Ophelia and "Six" is Daniella. Ophelia is Jenny's helper. She keeps things quiet on the inside for the lils. Daniella is our courageous one. She helps Jessica protect the lils and speaks up for them. (End update)
Then there are my in-betweeners. These alters are neither Lils nor Bigs. I only know of two right now. One named herself Teen and the other is Elayne.
Teen is a typical teen-ager. Her age fluctuates from thirteen to fifteen depending on how old she feels. I guess the same is true for singletons. I know it is true for me. (Singletons are persons without multiple personalities.) She likes to eat hamburgers and drink milkshakes, go shopping, have friends over, and drive fast while she listens to loud, upbeat, music. She dislikes school but likes to be with her friends at school. She is clumsy and has broken many things in my house, including the CD-ROM Drive on my computer. She plays house and tries to smoke. She has her own opinions and becomes upset if anyone challenges her about them. She wears glasses and once told my T that she needed new ones. She has not physically matured. If any of my alters come close to being a "cutter", it is Teen. She trips easily, turns around into walls, trips while on stairs, and burns or cuts herself while cooking and cleaning. A "cutter" is an alter, or a person, who commits self-harming acts. I know when Teen has been here because I end up with at least one new pimple on my face.
Elayne is a pre-teen alter. She is eight years old. Elayne is the one who will reach out for help when it is needed. She has kept the system going several times by doing this. I do not like it when Elayne visits because I end up with a long-lasting migraine-type headache over my right eye. She is the one who took most of the parental physical abuse. This included things like her father hitting her head against a wall so hard that the wall broke under the pressure and kicking and fist-punching her on the right side of her head. There is no wonder when she comes that I get ferocious headaches. My mind is finally at the point that my body can feel what happened to Elayne when she was a child. Elayne wears clothes that are too big in order to hide her bruises and sexuality. She has short brown hair with red highlights and bluish-green eyes. She wants it to be long but does not like to wear braids so she cuts it.
Thank you for meeting us. Pickles
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