The Dartnel 2005
Five Definitive Uplifting Thoughts from the Dartman
Five Memorable Words of the Week
Random Quotes from the Dartnel
Dry Statistics
Number of entries: 48
January: 5
February: 3
March: 4
April: 5
May: 4
June: 4
July: 4
August: 5
September:
3
October: 5
November: 3
December: 3
Number of “Special” entries: 4
Number of Words of the Week: 44
Number of complaints about the Word of the Week: 1957
Number of Uplifting Thoughts from the Dartman: 42
Number of Quotes of the Week: 3
Why is Quote of the Week even included as a recurring part of the Dartnel?
Number of On This Date editions: 4
Number of Statler Brothers references: 6
Number of quotes from Statler Brothers songs: 2, and I believe it was the same quote from the same song
Number of full lyrics from Statler Brothers songs: 1
Number of complaints about Statler Brothers references: 1701, all from Stan
Number of references in the Dartnel to my late cat Smokey: 6
Month my final tribute to Smokey was published: April
Number of times the phrase “Shut up, Stan!” was used: 8
Number of times it should have been used: ∞
Number of times Stan’s nearly been banned from the Dartnel: ∞∞
Final count of the usage of the sentence “We continue to rehearse for Hello, Dolly!”: 8
Microsoft Word Statistics
Number of pages (not counting special formatting) the complete Dartnel 2005 would use if printed as a complete MS Word document: 51
Five Definitive Uplifting Thoughts from the Dartman
I once fell in love. Trust me, renting a billboard to profess your undying love to a
woman you’ve only known for 15 minutes is not a good idea! For that matter, it’s not a good idea if
you’ve known her for fifteen years! For
that matter, it’s not a good idea if you’ve been married 15 years! For that matter, it’s not a good idea if
you’ve been married 15 years and the subject of the billboard isn’t your
wife! (I think this stopped being funny
15 minutes ago…) ~ March 24, 2005
This journal is actually ghostwritten by a person in
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The weak get going, too: going to
When things bother you, take a deep breath. Count to ten. Close your eyes. Wait! Watch out for the bridge! NOOO! (Perhaps it’s best not to try this when you’re driving…) ~ July 22, 2005
Resolutions
are meant to be broken. Therefore,
resolve to be a mean, drunk chain-smoker.
That’s a resolution that all of us should make every effort to break! ~ December 29, 2005
Five Memorable Words of the Week
coquette – n.
meaning a woman who habitually trifles with the affections of men; a flirt
(pronounced koh-KET) ~ March 12, 2005
spoonerism – n.
meaning the transposition of usually initial sounds in a pair of words
(example: The Lord is a shoving leopard ["loving shepherd"].)
(pronounced SPOO-nuh-riz-uhm) ~ March 24, 2005
gewgaw – n.
meaning a showy trifle; a toy; a splendid plaything; a pretty but worthless
bauble (pronounced G(Y)OO-gaw) ~ October 6, 2005
Zeitgeist - n.
meaning the spirit of the time; the general intellectual and moral state or
temper characteristic of any period of time. [Also written with a lower-case
initial: zeitgeist] (pronounced
TSYT-guyst or ZYT-guyst) ~ October 11, 2005
quiddity – n.
meaning 1. The essence, nature, or distinctive peculiarity of a thing; 2. A
hairsplitting distinction; a trifling point; a quibble; 3. An eccentricity; an
odd feature (pronounced KWID-ih-tee) ~ December 29, 2005
Random Quotes from the Dartnel
…last month I made my theatrical debut in the Good Times Community
Theater production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, written by
someone whose name eludes me. (On a
side note, shut up, Stan!) Everybody
agreed; my part was completely superfluous.
Just what does it mean to get hate mail from 47 first-graders? I’m kidding, of course. It was 13.
J ~ January 12, 2005
This week's story (and no, it
isn't a Dartman original, although I have slightly modified it to fit my world J): Stan's wife recently came running into the
house in a panic. When Stan asked her
what was wrong, she said that she thought there was water in the carburetor of
their pickup truck. Stan replied,
"Water in the carburetor? Honey,
you don't know the carburetor from the steering wheel or the gas
tank." Then, after a moment, he
asked her just where the truck was. She
replied, "In the swimming pool."
J ~ January 19, 2005
Reason number 58497 for avoiding donuts: you could lock yourself out of
your car. Allow me to elaborate. On my way out of Tulsa, I took the liberty
of stopping off at the Krispy Kreme on 71st near the US 169
interchange. They gave me a free donut,
fresh out of the oven. Maybe it’s just
me, but I prefer donuts when they’re cold.
Again, I digress. Anyway, I
bought two dozen donuts. Later, I
stopped at the Hastings in Muskogee. I
had put the donuts in the trunk of the car so they’d be colder. As I was preparing to leave, I popped open
the trunk and grabbed a donut, nonchalantly closing the trunk lid. After I ate the donut, I opened the
car. Rather, I attempted to open
the car. Unbeknownst to me, I had
carelessly put the keys down in the trunk!
Normally, I would have put them back in my pocket! All I wanted was a lousy donut, and now I’m
locked out of the car 90 miles from home?
(Or was it minutes?) Well,
anyway, after a lot of angst and enough pacing to result in a loss of five
pounds, I called home, mom called roadside assistance, and they unlocked the
car. Just goes to show you, even I’m
not perfect! (SHUT UP, STAN!!!) ~ February 11, 2005
How in the name of sanity can I get two years’ accounting experience when I can’t even get hired because every job requires two years’ accounting experience? ~ April 1, 2005
The mind is a tricky thing. I
believe that we remember everything we are exposed to: every detail, every
sound, every smell, every sight, everything.
It’s when we have to recall memories that we get into trouble. ~
April 20, 2005
As many of you know, I’m a few nuts shy of a fruitcake. That being said, enough about my culinary
problems. Listening to my old Shows
tapes (and I promise to explain the origin of Shows later L), I realize that I was definitely a few
bricks shy of a load. Enough about my
masonry problems. Right now, I’m
listening to “live” coverage of a racquetball game that took a turn for the
bizarre. How many people actually are
run over by a diesel while playing racquetball? It’s played indoors, for crying out loud! I was definitely on my way to the funny farm
in those days. Enough about our class
field trips in elementary school.
Today, I’m proud to say that I’m a little light in the loafers. Enough about these stupid jokes that I’m
making; it makes me look crazy. ~ April 28, 2005
After driving his vehicle INTO the DMV, he was still allowed to RENEW
his license! ~ May 5, 2005
I have a job interview tomorrow.
In keeping with my insipid superstitions, I will not reveal who it’s
with, what it’s for, and where it’s located. ~ May 11, 2005
I’m getting old. Seems like only
yesterday I was in high school, asking girls out on dates, getting straight
A’s, going to all the school functions, being the most popular person in
school… Wait a minute, just whose
life am I remembering? ~ May 20, 2005
I have to face it now; I’m getting older. I guess I’ll have to stop telling everyone that I start fifth
grade in the fall! ~ June 13, 2005
…they also want me to sing! Just
in case our music director is reading this, are you crazy? ~ June 29, 2005
…a semi-humorous look at driving habits, both good and bad. For example, “It’s not really stopping if the car doesn’t stop moving!” (What is, “Why does a rolling stop still get you a ticket for running a stop sign?”) Another good one would have been, “Shoulders are not a passing lane if someone’s making a left-hand turn!” One chapter title might have been, “Why Should I Use My Blinkers When No One Else Does?” How about this one: “Why NOT to Drive Down the Center of the Road”? Or this one: “Those White Rectangular Signs Are Just a Suggestion”? (Of course, that last one’s sarcastic.) ~ July 22, 2005
Yesterday, I auditioned for a musical.
In related news, the mayor and city council tried in vain to call a
special session making it a felony offense for a certain author of the Dartnel
to perform musical arrangements of any
kind. ~ August 19, 2005
Welcome back. Our next guest is
that great luminary from the world of the Web…
You all know him… It’s the
creator of the Dartnel… Wait, I thought
it was a luminary we were bringing
out! I despise the Dartnel! Get
that loser out of here! ~ September 22, 2005
The next person who, upon missing one of my performances, says "But I was in Japan!" gets thrown to the kimono dragon. Either that, or I print your face onto a Japanese flag and throw darts at it! ~ October 11, 2005
It's once again time to collect candy, dress up in funny looking costumes, and make funny faces. No, I'm not talking about the monthly Dartnel Editorial Staff Party! It's Halloween! As such, to get into the spirit, I am currently dressed as a rabid beaver. Stan's costume is really scary; he's an agent from the IRS. It's so realistic, it even scared him! The dog is dressed as a cat. We have witches and hobgoblins and cheddar cheese puffs. All this can be yours if the price is right! ~ October 31, 2005
Is eggnog traditional for
Thanksgiving? … What about apple
cider? Is that traditional for
Thanksgiving? ~ November 12, 2005
Remember to pace yourself while eating.
Don’t fill up on salad and bread.
Save room for the good stuff, like candy… wait, wrong holiday. I meant, save room for hot dogs… wait,
that’s the Fourth of July. When eating
your turkey, make sure it’s been cooked first.
Those frozen turkeys can really crack your teeth. At dessert, don’t hesitate to knock your
beloved family members to the floor if the last piece of (pumpkin) pie is at
stake. Once they’re out of the
hospital, they’ll forgive you. They
also won’t show up for Thanksgiving next year, which means more pie for you!
~ November 18, 2005
You have to have related experience and a college education to get a job, but going to college full time usually means that you don’t have the time to get related experience, and even if you had the time, you wouldn’t get the job without a college degree, but you need the college degree to get the job, but the job also requires related experience, and you can’t get related experience because you’re going to college full time, but the degree without related experience eliminates you from the job, but related experience without the degree eliminates you from the job, but you can’t get one without the other… Yikes, that makes my head hurt just thinking about it! ~ November 29, 2005
Something tells me that the Book of Revelations will make more sense then a compilation of the Dartnel. ~ December 9, 2005
Yep, folks, it’s our one year anniversary here at the Dartnel! We’re so excited! Unfortunately, the celebration took a horrid turn when Stan overdid it on the coffee and donuts. He was taken to the emergency room with toxic overdoses of caffeine and sugar. ~ December 29, 2005
Don’t you just love waiting in line for three and a half hours to return [a] half-used tube of toothpaste? The bad thing is, I was stuck behind another person returning a half-used tube of toothpaste! Or was it a half-used tube of deodorant? ~ December 29, 2005
If your Christmas was awful, by the way, I’m renting out my time
machine. You can change history for the
low, low price of $19.95! Actually, if
you do change history, I’ll charge
you with violating the Temporal Prime Directive and throw you into Sang-Sang
Space-Time Prison, sponsored by MicroSafe, the leading synthesizer of
high-quality security storage devices since the 27th Century! ~
December 29, 2005
Miscellaneous
Oversights
- How in the world could any self-respecting Star Trek fan neglect to mention the passing of James “Scotty” Doohan? One of the truly legendary Canadian actors (like William Shatner and Colin Mochrie) and a Canadian World War II hero (he lost his right middle finger on D-Day; that’s the reason he always kept his right hand cupped, so you couldn’t see it), Doohan was a master of dialects (unlike Colin Mochrie). He invented his Star Trek character’s name; Montgomery Scott. In fact, Montgomery is James Doohan’s middle name! (I’ll give you one guess as to where the name “Scott” came from.) In 2004, he received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
- How in the world could I not alter the title in the top of the window? Ever since I changed the name of this on-line journal to “The Dartnel,” I never changed that title from “Darrell’s Corner On-Line Journal.” Anybody ever notice this?
- Is there any particular reason that I didn’t mention my cat’s passing on in words in the Dartnel?
Recurring Motifs
- Nothingness
- Paradoxes
- Shut up, Stan!
- Repeating oneself
- Theatrical performances
- Smokey the cat
- Repeating oneself
- Star Trek
- Memories
- Repeating oneself
- Jokes at one’s expense
- Stories
- Repeating oneself
Errors
- On August 31, I made mention of gas possibly going to $5 a barrel. Obviously, I meant $5 a gallon.
- Originally, when Zeitgeist was featured as the Word of the Week, it was identified as a noun in this fashion: nn. Of course, the correct designation is n.
- I let Stan be involved in the creation, design, and maintenance of the Dartnel.