Preface
This is a work of comedy, written from actual
church bulletin bloopers that can be found on the Internet, or possibly in your
church bulletin. The hypothesis of this
skit is this: What if all of the church
bulletin bloopers came from just one church? Please note that, with the exception of the bloopers themselves,
this skit was written by me, and you can’t use it, so there! J To note, the bulletin bloopers themselves
are in bold print. Let’s begin,
shall we?[*]
I know this person who went to a very strange church. Actually, I know him very well, seeing as though it was I. Anyways, the church was called the Clark Community Church of Christ. Shorthand, it was always called the 4-C. Perhaps it should have been called the 4-B, for blooper. It seemed that every week something went amiss, due to a typo on our weekly bulletin or something that just didn’t sound right. Or maybe it was just brute honesty? In any case, let me tell you about some of these things.
The first week I was there, I
should have expected trouble.
Evidently, the minister had been sick.
Right in the middle of the bulletin, in big, bold type, was the words: God
is Good. Just under that, in
littler type, were the words Dr. Hargreaves is better.
The next week brought another
interesting message. I started to
wonder just what goes on here when I read, in black print, Our youth
basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 pm in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Next week brought the announcement
Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. At least they’re honest.
That week, J.F. Stubbs filled in
for our still-ailing pastor. The next
week, on the bulletin, I kid you not, there was this statement: During the absence of our pastor, we
enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied
our pulpit.
Evidently, poor Dr. Hargreaves
lost a lot of respect, for that was the week he returned. He kept his sermon brief. Next week in the bulletin, echoing all our
thoughts, was the line The Reverend spoke briefly, much to the delight of
the audience.
Next week brought jeering from all
the men in the congregation, as the minister apparently changed the topic
subject…or was it a simple typo? In the
bulletin, listed as the sermon topic, was How to Change Your Wife Through
Prayer.
The minister got in even more
trouble, after this quote found its way into the bulletin: Many calls come to the church each
week and we conscientiously fake an interest in every one of them.
Finally, Dr. Hargreaves decided to
leave. Still, he got no respect! In the bulletin was the line The
preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
“Break Forth With Joy.”
Well, just when I was thinking that things would calm down in time for our fellowship dinner the next week, along came this announcement in the bulletin: A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. Needless to say, I decided not to attend.
Reverend Belzer replaced Dr. Hargreaves.
Unfortunately, he soon gave us cause to question his devotion to
God. In the bulletin following his
first Sunday on the job was this seemingly innocent announcement: Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a
meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.
Sure, the congregation was laughing, but they weren’t for long. Next week, this message was in the bulletin: For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Adding to their confusion was this one, also in that week’s bulletin: Don’t let worry kill you—Let the church help. This caused a downward trend in church attendance. To this day, I don’t know why I didn’t change churches myself.
Next week caused a brief flurry excitement among our male churchgoers when this was seen in the bulletin: The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon. You can imagine the men’s disappointment when all they saw in the basement were clothes. That didn’t stop Stan from buying 44 women’s blouses. “For my wife,” he said. Sure…
The downward turn in our attendance was amplified with this announcement: Ushers will eat latecomers. I still don’t think that the police should have been called…it was an obvious typo…wasn’t it???
It’s little wonder that we had to resort to cheap promotions to get people in the pews. On one Sunday, on the bulletin, was this: Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. So that’s why the choir was always so glassy-eyed…
After all of this, it was little
wonder that this reminder was printed in the bulletin: Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our church and community.
After this, evidently Reverend
Belzer snapped. Next week’s thought
from him was this: Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about
you. Speaking of full…did he
decide to demonstrate his sermon from a few weeks ago?
Then there was this mean line,
also printed that week: The
audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. That could take years! Of course, that’s how long the Reverend’s
sermons usually lasted.
Once again, it was luncheon
time. There it was, in bold print: The church will host an evening of
fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. The only way it could have been
worse was if they had served Road Kill du Jour.
One of Reverend Belzer’s old
friends, Rev. Green, came to preach at our Christmas program. There it was, in the bulletin: The church is glad to have with us
today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the
Hanging of the Greens. With
friends like that, who needs enemies?
Next week, I saw a rosebud on the
altar. Wondering what it was for, I
opened my bulletin. Sure enough, there
was an explanation printed there: The
rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer. Well, I guess we can add one more to the Little Mothers club.
At the first of the new year, our
support groups got a little cruel. One
Sunday brought the message Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the
First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The next stated that Low Self-Esteem
Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. Add to that that Weight Watchers was
ineffective, as evidenced by this testimonial in the bulletin: Jean will be leading a
weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s use the program herself and
has been growing like crazy!
Next week brought an announcement
that I think is pretty self-explanatory:
Tonight’s sermon: “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
Well, with everybody fed up with
us, the minister put this “original” thought in the next week’s bulletin: Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our church and community.
At this point, it was fairly obvious that Rev. Belzer was having some
problems, such as repeating previous announcements and stating the obvious.
Also that week came a plea for
more money. It came with a good reason,
I think: Eight new choir robes are
currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
Reverend Belzer left after this
message was printed: Barbara C.
remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is
also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of the pastor’s sermons. How can he possibly take that
personally? He put us to sleep
all the time! Still, he droned on, and
on, and on, and on… One sermon lasted
to Tuesday morning, but I digress.
After he left, we figured we could
probably get more people who didn’t suffer from insomnia into the church. Our membership drive kicked off with this
memorable line: The outreach
committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not
afflicted with any church. It
was in the bulletin! I’m not making
this up!
Our men’s group held a dinner and
wondered why no women showed. Perhaps
it had to do with their bulletin announcement:
The Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. Actually, only three men showed up
for that one!
Another noon luncheon was
scheduled. This time we went for
honesty in our bulletin announcement, not that it helped. The announcement read, Attend and you
will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Our new pastor was just getting
settled in when he performed his first wedding. Evidently, his bitterness towards his wife surfaced in the
bulletin announcement: Irving
Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.
Next week was a traditional church
get-together, with a slight twist. In
the bulletin, the announcement read, Next Sunday is the family hayride
and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are
welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
Nothin’ says “Love thy neighbor” like a good-ol’ fashioned shootout!
The minister’s daughter got roped
into performing at the church one week.
Those who missed her performance were extremely disappointed, especially
when they read the bulletin: The
concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to
the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual
fell upon her. It was
funny! Well, maybe not so funny for the
minister’s daughter.
The Battle of the Sexes raged on
at our church, with this announcement: Ladies,
don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Unfortunately, the best offer received was
for ten cents.
The women’s distaste for religion
was made evident in this bulletin: Ladies
Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Next week, our music leader was
hoping for a good hymn. Our esteemed
pastor, in his infinite wisdom, went again for the truth in the bulletin: The third verse of Blessed Assurance
will be sung without musical accomplishment.
He kept up with the truth the next
week, going with the announcement Please join us as we show our support
for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
What finally convinced me to leave
was the Associate Minister, who was given weeks to come up with a new tithing
campaign slogan. Once I heard it, or
rather read it in the bulletin, I knew I’d better find myself another church,
one with nice people and competent ministers.
You see, the announcement read as follows: The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: “ I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours.”