The
Dartnel
April 28, 2006
LOST: One mind.
Used to the point of exhaustion.
Driven only to church on Sundays.
If found, please return. No
reward offered, but will send nice note.
P1701
As most of you have
noticed, this month has been (sadly) devoted to exploring my sense of
humor. Honestly, I wasn’t planning to post
jokes and the like. It’s simply that the
funny stuff is all I’ve had to post. To
be honest, I usually make it up right off the top of my (shiny) head when I sit
down to post a new Dartnel entry. Also,
while I’m being honest, that’s a really horrible shade of lipstick for
you. I mean, I understand the reasons
for make-up, but you’ll need to do more than make up to get off the hook for
this one! Really, lime green
lipstick? Yeah, I can see you through
your computer monitor. (Not really, but
I’m sure that there’s someone in the world who’s wearing lime green lipstick.)
On This Date: It’s
the Mutiny on the Bounty! No
kidding! On April 28, 1789, Fletcher
Christian led a mutiny on the HMS Bounty,
which was three weeks into a voyage from Tahiti to the
Well, folks, I was
overdue. A theatrical performance that I
was to be involved with has had a bad run of luck. In fact, it has been cancelled. This means that you will not have to suffer
through my singing during Annie. Unfortunately for us, a Broadway troupe is
performing Annie this summer, so we
can’t get the rights to it. Hey, the
other four performances I’ve been involved in have come together smooth as
silk. I can’t bring luck all the
time! Maybe this will open the door for
our community theater to do a comedy. I
think I’d be dynamite in a comedy.
However, don’t think the general public is off the hook when it comes to
my caterwauling… I mean, singing. I’m
singing at church this Sunday night. I’m
doing a solo and harmonizing on three other songs. Deafness will surely result. Finally, I’m substitute teaching a Sunday
School children’s class, also this Sunday.
Children are so energetic. I
think I’ll let them run the show. Nah,
bad idea.
Speaking of bad
ideas (and in defiance of corporate complaints), here’s the…
Word of the Week: rebarbative – adj. meaning serving or tending to irritate
or repel (pronounced ree-BAR-buh-tiv)
Be glad I didn’t go with “harridan.”
Darrell
April 22, 2006
In what continues
to be a slow month for me, I am simply posting today to remind people that I am
alive. Seriously. Mortuaries have been calling, trying to
schedule my funeral.
Due to corporate complaints,
I will no longer do the following things on this Web site:
One.
I
will no longer call my site visitors hobbledehoys. (Especially not the ladies.)
Two.
When
using chicanery, I will not alert my site visitors that it’s coming. HQ feels that it’s funnier if you don’t know
what’s coming next. BLAT!!! HAVE SOME LEMON MERAIGNE PIE!!!
Three.
I
will no longer waste valuable Web space with falsified stories (Dead Man Told
to Stop Slacking Off at Work), made-up events (Happy Stan the Man Day,
everybody!), made-up words (I’m a fudgeamaholic), Kilngon greetings (Qa’pla!),
and/or stories about half-used tubes of toothpaste (which you’re all getting as
birthday presents!).
Four.
I
will not follow the Spell-check recommendation for substituting “
Five.
I
will not make fun of the 42nd President of the
Six.
I
will not make fun of the 69th President of the
Seven.
I
will not make up facts or claim that I invented the accrual method of
accounting. (It doesn’t help me meet
women, anyway; they usually yawn and go to sleep.)
Eight.
I
will not steal. (Wait… isn’t that #8 on another list of ten instructions in some
66-volume collection?)
Nine.
I
will no longer trash the Word of the Week.
It’s a valuable learning resource.
People stop me on the street, thanking me for providing them with an
exciting way to expand their vocabulary.
Why, somebody told me the other day that their métier is teaching.
Ten.
I will no longer pay any attention to corporate
complaints.
Random Quote (Substituted for my Uplifting
Thought): Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the
longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
~
I do have some news
for you. My car is in worse shape than I
thought. Apparently, it needs a new
water pump. The blasted thing can no
longer hold water. Kind of reminds me of
myself after too much coffee, but I digress in normal type. This, of course, puts a bit of a crimp in job
search. It’s kind of hard to find work
when you have nothing to drive.
Ladies and
gentlemen, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! The critically acclaimed…
Word of the Week: hortatory – adj. meaning marked by strong urging;
serving to encourage or incite; as, "a hortatory speech” (pronounced
HOR-tuh-tor-ee)
Count to ten and call me persnickety.
Darrell
April 13, 2006
Well, the life that
isn’t is back with more happenings that aren’t.
I’m starting off this
week with one of those oddball facts that probably is of interest only to
me. Even our crack editorial staff
begged me not to mention this. Hey, I’m real, and they’re not; I outrank
them. Eight days ago was April 5. Twice during that day, this event
happened: The clock read 1:02:03. (One o’clock, two minutes, and three
seconds.) That’s right; it was 01:02:03
on 04/05/06! J
Not
much is happening here. For those of you
who still care, I’m still looking for work.
I’m thiclose to swallowing my
pride and applying for work at Wal-Mart.
(That wasn’t a typo; it’s the phrase “this close” with no space between
words and no letter “s”. Sorry if your
name has an “s” in it.) In the
meanwhile, I’ve been behaving myself.
No, really! I haven’t forced anybody
to listen to my singing for weeks now!
(That changes the last Sunday of this month, but I digress.) Sadly, my car may not make it. The thing needs coolant in the radiator, and
that may be the least of its problems.
As soon as I’m able, I’m replacing it with a newer model.
Today’s
uplifting thought from the Dartman:
Don’t eat the yellow snow. (I
have no idea what this means, but I have it on word from reliable sources that
this is funny.)
On This Date: In 2003, it was April 13th. At two points during the day, it was 04:13:03
on 04/13/03. (Ehh… Maybe I do
need my vitamins every day.)
Before
we move on to the Word of the Week (and I once again dodge tomatoes), I’ve got
to gripe about gas prices. I know I’ve done this before, but it’s
ridiculous. My view is that Big Oil,
while raking in record profits, is taking steps to ensure that we’ll be paying
$5 a gallon for regular unleaded before the year is up. I’m sure
that it’s just a coincidence that all the refineries are undergoing maintenance
at the same time, causing gasoline
prices to spiral out of control. I also
am sure that Elvis is cleaning restrooms at Wal-Mart. (I’ll save my public restroom rant for
another day.) Frankly, higher gasoline
prices are merely an additional tax on the lower-to-middle class. Nobody in Washington, Republican or Democrat,
seems to care. They’d rather fight and
basically tear the country apart (we’re in a political civil war) that focus on
the needs of the American public. We did
not elect these politicians to work 35 days a
year and do anything to keep their cushy jobs. (For first-time visitors to The Dartnel, you
should be made aware that there can be up to 47 rants in each paragraph.) We need our government to work for us, not
look out for their own best interests.
They’re all a bunch of rich, spoiled brats (okay, that’s an extreme
overgeneralization, but the leadership of both parties seems to consist of
these types of people) who don’t understand the plight of the commoner. They need to do something to restore public
trust, and clamping down on Big Oil would be a start. (Hey, I managed to link two rants together in
a somewhat intelligent way!)
Speaking
of somewhat intelligent, if I were, you wouldn’t be getting the…
Word of the Week: hobbledehoy
– n. meaning an awkward, gawky young
fellow (pronounced HOB-uhl-dee-hoy)
If any of
you send me an e-mail calling me a hobbledehoy, I’ll tell an extremely
embarrassing story about you here on The Dartnel. (No, I won’t; I’m too nice, awkward, and
gawky.)
See you later!
Darrell
April 5, 2006
Sorry I didn’t post
anything on Saturday. I really wanted to post something
completely nonsensical and obviously fake to celebrate the April Fools
spirit. Unfortunately, I couldn’t come
up with anything. I did find this news
article, though. I hope you enjoy.
Awards Go To
Plummer, Smith, Others
Fri Mar 31, 11:45 PM EST
DARTVILLE,
WORST WEB PAGE DESIGN:
Shows Productions, L.L.C. Every
page on this site has links to sales of two of the worst albums ever produced
and mass-released: William Shatner’s The Transformed Man and Stan Smith’s I Can Too Sing! Buy My Album ‘Cause It’s Not As Bad As Capt.
Kirk’s! Also, all other links on the
site point you to a page with video of a glasses-wearing thin guy talking about
things that no one understands or cares about.
WORST WEB PAGE CONTENT:
The Dartnel. Doesn’t this guy get
it? Nobody wants to read his nonsensical
rants on unimportant things. This guy
needs to take a chill pill and relax.
WORST WEBMASTER:
tie, Darrell Plummer, Jr., and Stan Smith. Plummer’s site looks decent enough, but there
are no photos, the so-called humorous stories are as much fun as watching Al
Gore talk about anything, and The
Dartnel is simply plagiarized from the Statler Brothers’ website. Smith’s site consists solely of ways to slack
off at work and not get fired. It is
painfully obvious that this guy will never amount to anything.
WORST SITE UPDATING:
Darrell Plummer, Jr. Why update a
site when you’ve got nothing worth going to the trouble of updating the
site? At least Stan Smith’s updates (all
two of them) are relevant.
WORST WEBSITE VIEWER:
tie, all 6 visitors to Darrell Plummer, Jr.’s website. Honorable mention goes to those 3 people who
actually ordered Shatner’s and Smith’s albums from Shows Productions,
L.L.C. You want a headache, pull an
Uncle Fester and tighten a vise on your head.
Much less painful.
WORST WEBSITE BLOGGER:
All of them. Quoth the raven,
Nevermore.
BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME:
Moby Dick. Yeah, I know it has nothing to do with Bad
Webbing, but it’s such a dull read.
Granted, not as dull as Stan Smith’s autobiography, I’m Not As Dull As Regis Philbin (and Regis isn’t dull, by the
way), but dull enough.
Now, for a very
special, April-Fools-themed…
Word of the Week: chicanery – n. meaning 1. The use of trickery or
sophistry to deceive (as in matters of law); 2. A trick; a subterfuge
(pronounced shih-KAY-nuh-ree)
Gotta go; I have to
clear out space for all those Bad Webbing Trophies!
Darrell