The Dartnel

December 29, 2005

Yep, folks, it’s our one year anniversary here at the Dartnel! We’re so excited! Unfortunately, the celebration took a horrid turn when Stan overdid it on the coffee and donuts. He was taken to the emergency room with toxic overdoses of caffeine and sugar.

I hope all of you had a very merry Christmas. If not, I don’t want to hear about it; it’s not my fault! If you got a half-used tube of toothpaste, of course, that’s Stan’s fault! (Ehhh… where was I going with this?) As I was saying, Christmas is over. Let the gift-returning begin! Don’t you just love waiting in line for three and a half hours to return said half-used tube of toothpaste? The bad thing is, I was stuck behind another person returning a half-used tube of toothpaste! Or was it a half-used tube of deodorant? Okay, okay, I made all of that up. Still, it’s a pain, isn’t it? That’s why I wait a week before returning unwanted presents.

Today’s uplifting thought from the Dartman: Resolutions are meant to be broken. Therefore, resolve to be a mean, drunk chain-smoker. That’s a resolution that all of us should make every effort to break!

For all you loyal readers of the Dartnel, you’ve noticed by now that I don’t have a clue about what I’m talking about! All I do every week is ramble on about things that nobody else seems to care about. For instance, ever notice how hard it is to find a good road to drive on? Half of the roads in Leflore County are falling apart, and the rest are already there. I have to dodge eight and one-half potholes every day I leave the homestead. Ever notice how hard golf is? I bought some plastic practice golf balls. In a shocking development, I can actually get them airborne with my swing! Maybe I do have a chance of breaking 200! Ever notice how hard rocks are? Okay, I don’t have anything to go with on that one. Ever notice how hard it is to come up with things to write about for a Web blog? The point is, I’m just a rambler, and I’ll keep on rambling until the FCC shuts me down.

Speaking of things that should be shut down, it’s time for 2005’s final…

Word of the Week: quiddity – n. meaning 1. The essence, nature, or distinctive peculiarity of a thing; 2. A hairsplitting distinction; a trifling point; a quibble; 3. An eccentricity; an odd feature (pronounced KWID-ih-tee)

My quiddities are my sense of humor, my Dartnel topics, my affinity for quartet singing, and my striking good looks. (SHUT UP, STAN!!!!!)

Hasn’t 2005 been a strange year? I hope I’ve contributed to the strangeness in my own little way. We’ll see you in 2006 here at the Dartnel.

Have a Happy New Year! If your Christmas was awful, by the way, I’m renting out my time machine. You can change history for the low, low price of $19.95! Actually, if you do change history, I’ll charge you with violating the Temporal Prime Directive and throw you into Sang-Sang Space-Time Prison, sponsored by MicroSafe, the leading synthesizer of high-quality security storage devices since the 27^th Century! (Just one last bit of insanity for the year, folks!)

Darrell

December 17, 2005

Merry Christmas! Yep, I'm saying it, and I don't care who knows it! This "Happy Holidays" thing will last about as long as "Merry X-Mas" lasted. All that's happening is that the stores don't want to offend the minority of their customers, so they'll gladly offend the majority of their customers. Hmmm… That doesn't seem to make sense, now does it?

I hope I'm not infringing on any copyrights by posting this, but 'tis the season. (No, not for breaking copyrights, Stan! By the way, thanks for the Christmas present. I always wanted a half-used tube of toothpaste!) The Christmas season is not a time for greed. We seem to be more focused on buying fancy presents, getting fancier and more expensive presents (as in a full tube of toothpaste, Stan!), and throwing eggs at windows of stores who advertise using "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings". We tend to forget the true meaning of Christmas. I once wrote an extremely lame Christmas play that centered around the thought that "Giving, not receiving, is the true spirit of Christmas". (I don't know why that's in quotes; after all, I'm quoting myself!) Maybe it was meaning, but I digress. Let's face it; God gave his only son to us, so that we can know Him and be with Him for all eternity. Who can top that Christmas present? (Consider the first six letters of the word "Christmas".)

Enough theology for now. It's yet another subject that I've lectured on this year, despite not being in any way, shape, or form qualified to lecture on.

Today's uplifting thought from the Dartman: It's the thought that counts. Still, toothpaste is a really lousy Christmas present! Especially when it's obvious that you've used up half of the tube! Good grief!

I mentioned the possible copyright infringement, and that will come up after my sign-off. I want everybody to consider it.

I have another job interview on Monday. Wish me luck. If anybody wants to know more about the potential job, I refer you to the Superstition Principle. (I believe I dwelt on that first back in May.) To be honest, I'm not expecting lots of presents for Christmas. That's fine by me. I've got more stuff than I know what to do with as it is! In fact, I don't really want anything this year. Don't tell my parents!

Speaking of not wanting something, it's the…

Word of the Week: cornucopia - n. meaning 1. The horn of plenty, from which fruits and flowers are represented as issuing. It is an emblem of abundance; 2. An overflowing supply; an abundance (pronounced kor-nuh-KOH-pee-uh)

Out to lunch.

Darrell

"Whose Birthday is Christmas?"

Written by Harold Reid

© 1985 Statler Brothers Music, Inc.

(Spoken) “One December Sunday morning, after Church,

I was walking to my car, and I heard a little boy say…”

Oh, Daddy, just whose birthday is Christmas?

The Bible says that Jesus was born.

Oh, Daddy, please explain, I had to ask because

You hear so much about Santa Claus.

Silver bells and jingle bells don't tell the story

'Bout the virgin and the manger where He lay.

Festive drinks and glasses' clinks will not make Jesus

Proud to say that this is his birthday.

Oh, Daddy, just whose birthday is Christmas?

The Bible says that Jesus was born.

Oh, Daddy, please explain, I had to ask because

You hear so much about Santa Claus.

In Sunday School we read the Christmas story.

Saint Nick will come next week so we are told.

It's hard to understand in a big people's land,

Especially if you're six years old.

Oh, Daddy, just whose birthday is Christmas?

The Bible says that Jesus was born.

Oh, Daddy, please explain, I had to ask because

You hear so much about Santa Claus.

It's hard to understand in a big people's land,

Especially if you're six years old.

December 9, 2005

You have reached the Dartnel. Unfortunately, all our operators are currently busy at the moment. Please stand by and wait for us to get to you…

continuous strain of Statler Brothers music, occasionally interrupted with the usual “Your phone call is important to us” lie…

Thanks for holding.

Sorry about being a little late on this. I was going to post yesterday, but the snowstorm put the kibosh on that. This is ridiculous. It’s the beginning of December, for crying out loud! It’s too early for snow! Weather makes me sick!

We’re approaching the end of the year. That means that soon, I’ll be publishing a “Best of the Dartnel 2005” section here. There will be a lot of dry statistics, republishing of some parts of entries, lists of certain topics, oversights, errors, how best to burn down the house while preparing ice cream… Okay, maybe not that last one. Just seeing if you’re paying attention. This also gives me a chance to go back and read all of my inspired Dartnel entries. I’m interested in seeing if they make sense when strung all together. Something tells me that the Book of Revelations will make more sense then a compilation of the Dartnel.

Today’s uplifting thought from the Dartman: Giving is more important than receiving. (What a load of crock that is!!!)

Quote of the week (how we’ve missed thee!): Things will get worse, get better or stay just about the same. ~ Jake Hess, legendary gospel singer

I don’t want to be President of the United States. I am convinced that, if President Bush sneezes in public, three-quarters of the American public would be up in arms about it! The Democrats would accuse him of not having a proper strategy to avoid sneezing while not offering up such a strategy themselves. The Christian Conservatives among the Republicans would berate him for failing to say, “God bless me.” Late-night talk show hosts would make fun of him for the sniffing that would naturally follow the sneeze and remind us of the time his father threw up in the presence of the Japanese prime minister. I can’t believe that people are up in arms about receiving a Christmas card from the President just because he wished them “Happy Holidays”. If I’m not mistaken, there are several holidays that take place during December. Bush would probably be getting berated if he had used the phrase “Merry Christmas”. Well, you can’t win for losing. Nothing says Christmas more than griping about what you get. Instead of us being nasty people who are dissatisfied with what they get (too small, not expensive enough, where’s the receipt, I wouldn’t get this for my dog), be thankful for what you do get. Jesus didn’t come to Earth so we can bicker during the time we’re supposed to be celebrating his birth. Does anybody out there remember the saying “Peace on Earth”? I don’t want to be President.

Speaking of things nobody wants, it’s time for the…

Word of the Week: gaucherie – n. meaning 1. A socially awkward or tactless act; 2. Lack of tact; boorishness; awkwardness (pronounced goh-shuh-REE)

Please don’t use that word to describe me when you send me a Christmas card; I don’t want to be reminded of the truth about me! Ex: Darrell tends to be extremely gaucherie at parties.

By the way, you look really fat today.

Darrell

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