The
Dartnel
December
27, 2006
Stress
Test
I'm
a little worried about some of you. I've read some of your blogs and/or
bulletins, and some of you seem extremely stressed out.
Here's the deal. Last night, I was looking around the Internet and found a
really great site. It's a stress test, to put it simply. The link is at the
bottom of this bulletin. It will take you to a web page (I must think you all
are idiots! Where else will a web link take you, the supermarket?). On that web
page will be a description of the stress test. Basically, there’s a link on
that page that will take you to a picture. If you see two dolphins, you're not
stressed out. If anything about the dolphins appears amiss, however, you have
way too much stress in your life and need to - if I may indulge in a
colloquialism - take a chill pill.
By the way, contrary to what you may think from viewing my blog, I don't have
any stress, according to this stress test.
Enjoy!
Darrell
Here's the link:
http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress/
December
20, 2006
A Christmas
Controversy
Okay, this might be offensive. So sue me. It's
not as if I've got any money. Seriously, this is biting commentary on the
seeming avoidance of the word "Christmas" by advertisers, the media,
etc.
Christmas is Monday. Can you believe it? I sure
can't! It almost seems as though this year has just flown by! Now,
here we are, in the Christmas season...
Uh, Mr. Plummer...
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Stu Piddiot, head of political correctness, Indiana
Oxidential University.
Ah, good ol' IOU. Why have you butted into my Christmas blog
entry?
Well, it's that, that... word.
What word?
Christmas. You can't say it; it's
offensive to non-Christians.
You've got to be kidding me. Practically all
my blog readers like Christmas. They like giving (and especially getting!!!)
Christmas presents, they like looking at Christmas lights, they like Christmas
trees...
It's "Holiday" presents, "Holiday" lights,
"Holiday" trees...
Well, aren't you the grinch who stole Christmas!
That's the "Holiday" season! You want the
atheists after you, Plummer?
Fine then, I'll stop with the Christmas stuff.
Good.
In fact, let the ACLU do away with Christmas altogether!
Hey, it might offend somebody.
In fact, the government should stamp out its Christmas holiday,
its Christmas day off with pay.
Exactl... huh?
Yeah, it has the appearance of government endorsing Christianity
to have a federal holiday on Christmas. Therefore, it should be a work
day. You know, to avoid any government-sponsored religion stuff...
Um... Err... Hmm...
Well?
...Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Piddiot! Good luck with the PC at IOU!
Yeah, sure, whatever. Happy holidays!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
We need to re-write that poem...
Darrell
December
14, 2006
Oh,
That Job Interview...
Well,
I'm going to lay the Superstition Principle to bed for now. Let me tell
you about my job interview last week.
First of all, I thank you for all your well-wishing. It is
great to have people who care about what's going on in your life. Unfortunately,
I'm practically certain that I didn't get the job. It was a bookkeeping
position at an accounting firm in Ft. Smith. I have to admit to a certain
amount of impatience. After all, it's been three years! since I
graduated from NSU, summa cum laude. Hmmm... Did somebody put a hex
on me?
In better (or maybe worse, depending on your point of view) news,
our Christmas cantata is this Sunday morning, 10:30, Friendship Baptist
Fellowship, Rock Island. (Egads! What if any of you people actually
come?) Actually, I think we're pretty good. Again, they're
not stupid enough to let me sing a solo, although my voice has stabilized; I
make a serviceable tenor. (If only I could read music...) Of
course, I'm not used to singing 40 minutes without a break. It was
different in Hello, Dolly!, when I was singing an easy bass (yeah, I
went from bass to tenor; it was a fake bass, anyway) and had several minutes
between songs. It was much better in Annie,
when I faked not being able to sing at all and weaseled my way out of the
songs! 
(I
was in between my transition from fake bass to fake tenor!)
T-11 days until Christmas; wrap up your shopping!
Darrell
December
9, 2006
Enough
of these DIM ideas, Santa!
DIM
Report 15973
Signs You've Picked a Bad Santa to Take Your Kids To
1. That bottle next to his throne holds a liquid other
than water.
2. His suit is green; when you ask about it, he replies, "It hasn't
ripened yet." (Let's see if anybody can guess where I got this one
from.)
3. He's clean-shaven.
4. Instead of candy canes, he hands out CD-ROMs good for 1,500 free hours
from AOL.
5. He tells your kids that there's no Santa Claus. (He'd be a liar
if he said that.)
6. "Santa's Village" is sponsored by Dewey, Cheatum, Howe, and
Often, Attorneys-at-Law.
7. He weighs 129 pounds and has a reputation for wearing funny hats on
stage. (Hey!)
8. "Santa" is misspelled on his sign.
9. The camera is pointed the wrong way when your child's picture with
Santa is taken.
10. Whatever your kid asks for, Santa says, "You're not getting
that!"
I claim no responsibility for the opinions expressed by my DIM
staff, even though I wrote the thing!
December
6, 2006
Rejected
Headlines
Well,
time for some nonsensical rambling from yours truly, the Dartman. You've
all seen my headline, which comes from Bill Gaither's grandpa. (Missed my
story about it? Check the archives; I've done forgot it.) What you
don't know is this: There were other headlines. Strange
headlines. Completely off-the-wall headlines that would have made all of
you question my sanity. (Wait a minute... Darrell's sane???????)
Here now is a list of rejected headlines:
1. Oh! The bald guy! (might explain the hat...)
2. He has not so much brain as earwax.
3. Geez, it's a shock that he's still single! (one of those
sarcastic ones, I reckon)
4. Good grief, man, powder your face; the glare is blinding me!
5. My parents went to 1890's New York, and all I got were this silly hat
and bow tie!
6. Even tribbles hate him!
7. Wait a minute... he has friends?
8. I'm worried about Darrell; he's really picking on himself way too
hard.
9. Looks, talent, money... would sure be nice if he had one of those.
10. Graduated Summa Cum Laude from the George W. Bush School of
Speaking.
11. The ladies love him!
12. Egg fu yung for everyone!
Get out of here; I have to tidy up a bit. Never know who
will stop by next!
Darrell
December
5, 2006
The
Latest
Good
day.
First off, I am going in for a job interview tomorrow. Keep
your fingers crossed. You know, it's been three years since I
graduated from NSU. I naively thought that, with my grades, finding work
would be a piece of cake. Sorry, Darrell, life doesn't work that
way. I have never been very comfortable talking to people, as most of you
can attest. I'm introverted, very meditative. That's a nice way of
saying that I'm too quiet. Suffice to say, my people skills have probably
kept me from employment.
Next, I am singing in my church's Christmas cantata. Sunday
the 17th at 10:30 AM, Friendship Baptist Fellowship, turn onto Highway 120 at
Rock Island, very quickly on the right behind Rick's Corner Mart, in case any
of you want to see me make a complete fool of myself. (Why do I always
say that when I perform?) I may not be the most gifted singer in the
world, but at least I try.
You all have a good week!
Darrell