The Dartnel
February 25, 2006
I can't
believe that people actually pay to read this!
(Mainly because I made that up, but I digress.)
To
be honest, I have little to tell. Stop
celebrating! For crying out loud, you're the one who stopped here; I didn't
force you! (Or did I?) How many ways can one person say, "I'm
still looking for employment?" I think
I've beat that particular stick to death.
Today's
uplifting thought from the Dartman: This
one, I feel, is just so appropriate.
It's an actual news headline I found online, about a member of the House
of Representatives who is seeking another term.
His name, I feel, tells it like it is as it regards to Congress.
Rep.
Doolittle Announces Re-Election Bid
Once
upon a time, there was a person who decided to become an accountant. That person read everything he could on accounting. He read textbooks, trade publications, tax tables,
IRS publications, the Gospel of Matthew (okay, it has nothing to do with accounting,
but it was written by an accountant),
lists of delinquent taxpayers, recipes on how to cook the books (okay, maybe not
that), and even Stan's book, How
to Get Audited Without Even Trying.
(That one sold fewer copies than my solo CD, Dartman Sings Show-Stopping Numbers. For crying out loud, even I returned that CD, along with the
half-used tube of toothpaste somebody gave me for Christmas, but I
digress.) That person became the dullest
person on the face of the planet! To
make matters worse, that person wound up working as a janitor at an all-you-can-eat
Mexican buffet. Why, you ask? That person never bothered to go to
college! For crying out loud, that
person should have gotten a college degree if (s)he was intent on becoming an
accountant!
Okay,
I made all that up. (Thank goodness;
besides, nobody's stupid enough to let me record a CD!) The point is, get a good education. After all, how else are you going to make
sense of the…
Word of the Week: quixotic - adj. meaning 1. Caught
up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals;
foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals; 2. Capricious; impulsive; unpredictable
(pronounced kwik-SOT-ik)
Gotta
go; they need me to record tracks in the studio! Look out this autumn for my new CD, Dartman Sings the Hits of Elvis! (And if you see it, please put it out of its
misery.)
Darrell
February 17, 2006
Welcome
back to the wild world of people who shouldn’t be allowed to have a Web
page. Wait a minute… Something’s wrong here…
Rather
than discuss issues of relevance, today I’ll stick to what I know. Last Sunday, I had the distinct privilege of
substitute teaching a Sunday School class at my church. The class was for 1st through 3rd
graders. There were three children in
the class, which was good; that’s the exact number of kids I can handle. (I usually count Stan as three people, but I
digress.) I told them about Adam and Eve
(which, if I remember my study notes correctly, translate from the original
Hebrew as “the man” and “living”) and how God created them. They told me about the typical elementary
school stuff. Good grief, it’s been two decades since I’ve been that young! Actually, if I were to teach a Sunday School
class on a permanent basis, I’d prefer to teach high schoolers or young
adults. (Actually, and I’m not
exaggerating here, I think that I am the only
young adult at my church; I share Sunday School class with a bunch of
50-plusers.)
Today’s
uplifting thought from the Dartman: I’m
in my thirties, which is terrible, considering I’m 26.
Did
you all remember Valentine’s Day? If you
didn’t, you’re in a heap of trouble, my (former) friend (because I don’t want
your significant other to think I associate with people who forget the most
romantic day of the year!). Seriously
(and that would be a first), it’s still not that important a day for me. You can tell I’m still single, eh? (Any date requests can be made through my
e-mail address; must be willing to listen to Statler Brothers music. J ) I already touched on this subject (see the
marquee below), so I’ll get off this train of thought.
Speaking
of trains to get off of, it’s time for the…
Word of the Week: publican – n. meaning 1. The owner or manager of a pub (United Kingdom/England);
2. a collector of taxes in ancient Rome (including Biblical times) (pronounced
p
b
l
-k
n)
This
was also included in www.dictionary.com’s
entry on publican:
[O]ne who farmed the taxes (e.g., Zacchaeus, Luke 19:2) to be
levied from a town
or district, and thus undertook to pay to the supreme government a certain
amount. In order to collect the taxes, the publicans employed subordinates
(5:27; 15:1; 18:10), who, for their own ends, were often guilty of extortion
and peculation. In New Testament times these taxes were paid to the Romans, and
hence were regarded by the Jews as a very heavy burden, and hence also the
collectors of taxes, who were frequently Jews, were hated, and were usually
spoken of in very opprobrious terms. Jesus was accused of being a "friend
of
publicans and sinners" (Luke 7:34).
You’ve
probably noticed the Bible verse on my front page, Matthew 18:17. The verse provided is in the New
International Version; in the King James Version, the word “publican” is used
instead of the more easily understood “tax collector”. Even back then, we accountants were being
given a bad name! I want it known for
the record that Matthew was an accountant!
We’re not all evil!
Time
to audit the neighbors.
Darrell
February 14, 2006
I’d
like to interrupt your week with my thoughts on this day called Valentine’s.
Today,
many people will buy their sweethearts flowers, candy, expensive dinners,
overstuffed teddy bears, autographed copies of Stan’s CD I Can’t Believe They Actually Let Me Record a Music Album! (which
can be purchased from the Dartnel online store if you’ll let us pay you $5 plus
shipping; we want to get rid of this junk), and petitions to prevent me from
appearing in another musical ever again.
So what if people in
Actually,
most of that was in good humor. (Namely,
everything starting with Stan’s CD; I’ll
be allowed to record one before he’ll even be allowed into the studio!)
This is the one day each year we set aside to celebrate those people in
our lives whom we love. Sure, there are
birthdays and anniversaries, but Valentine’s Day is special! (I probably should
rephrase that, unless your birthday and/or anniversary falls on February the 14th. In that case, you have my sincere condolences
on getting shortchanged on gifts.) My
point is, don’t break the bank celebrating your love! Go ahead and buy that $500 diamond ring, but
skip on the $5,000 dollar diamond ring.
Feel free to spend $125 on dinner, but don’t run up a $1,234 dinner
tab. True love understands. Don’t be frugal, by any means, but don’t
throw your money around as though it’s still the worthless paper before
Washington’s, Lincoln’s, Hamilton’s, Jefferson’s, Grant’s, or
Have
fun, kiddos!
Darrell
February 10, 2006
Before
we start on this edition’s sojourn into the mind of Darrell, I caution you to
remember to keep your arms and legs in the dune buggy at all times. There’s lots of gunk hanging down from the
cerebellum and the medulla oblongata that could cause you lots of harm.
I
continue to look for work. I really want
to start work on my Master’s degree this fall, but I need money in order to do
so. Since I’ve already dwelled
considerably on this subject in prior entries of the Dartnel, I’ll spare you
continued dwelling on this.
Today’s
uplifting thought from the Dartman:
Remember, it isn’t nice to point at people. Don’t point even if they have boogers hanging
out of their nose, have makeup that resembles a clown, are in dire need of a
hair transplant, and/or are wearing “I’m With Stupid” shirts with the arrow
pointing up.
(Man,
that was horrible.)
If
I could be serious with you for a moment, the world would stop spinning on its
axis, the lake of fire would freeze over, pigs would start flying, and I’d
start being nicer to Stan (who, by the way, doesn’t exist). Seriously, we are in a serious drought here
in Poteau. We have been under a burn ban
since November. In my view, anybody who
does any outdoor burning should be arrested and charged with gross negligence. Fires are dangerous. Sure, they give off heat and can be pretty to
look at, but they can also be terribly destructive. If you don’t believe me, look up the Great
Chicago Fire sometime. Amazing what one
barnyard animal kicking over a lit lantern can do. A little carelessness with fire can cause
widespread devastation. We should
remember that our words can be fire, too, and be careful in what we say.
Once
again, in my desperate attempt to edumacate y’all, here’s that there…
Word of the Week: deus ex machina
– n. meaning 1. In ancient Greek and
Roman drama, a god introduced by means of a crane to unravel and resolve the
plot; 2. Any active agent who appears unexpectedly to solve an apparently
insoluble difficulty (pronounced DAY-uhs-eks-MAH-kuh-nuh; -nah; -MAK-uh-nuh)
Here’s my dues ex machina!
Darrell