The
Dartnel
March 28, 2006
I’ll start with
some good news. The Afghani who
converted to Christianity and, as a result, faced the death penalty has been
freed. I admire him for standing up and
proudly proclaiming his belief in Christ.
I also understand his desire to get out of that country; he’s getting
asylum through the UN. To persecute
people because of their religion… I hope
that we as a society don’t keep silent if we arrest and prosecute a Muslim just
because (s)he’s a Muslim. I hope we’re
better than that.
I have yet another
traffic report for you. Once again, it
amazes me how stupid people can be when you put them in charge of an internal
combustion engine. For those of you unfamiliar
with
Today’s uplifting
thought from the Dartman: You are what
you eat, and that’s why I don’t eat my veggies.
(I probably just offended a lot of people! Oops!)
I’m getting fed up
with the Guestbook. As you know, I
review all Guestbook entries before
posting them. Folks, I’m about ready to
pull the darn thing. Here’s why. People sign the thing as a business. Home Loans 4 Less. Adult Entertainment. I H8 Darrell Cuz He Wouldn’t Leave Me Alone
In High School. (Okay, I made that last
one up.) Nevertheless, I feel it’s time
to review Guestbook etiquette. (It’s
also time to get back to mindless rants about nothing, so here we go!) If you want your Guestbook entry to be
posted, sign your name (not some commercial website) and fill out all fields
completely. (Well, you can skip the “E-Mail”
field if you want.) If I see the number “10”
in your entry, your entry’s going into the circular file. Again, I reserve the right to delete your
Guestbook entry if I feel that you’re trying to sell something or are trying to
be vulgar. You want to do that, go bug
Stan on his website. His counter’s still in the negative figures!
On This Date: On
this day in 1834, President Andrew Jackson is censured by Congress for refusing
to turn over documents.
Well, we’re running
out of time, so here’s your…
Word of the Week: métier – n. meaning 1. An occupation; a profession; 2.
An area in which one excels; an occupation for which one is especially well
suited (pronounced met-YAY or MET-yay)
You’re dismissed.
Darrell
March 23, 2006
Good Grief!
PC Run Amok
Well, folks, it’s
happened again. We are so scared of
offending people as a society that we’re actually scared of Easter eggs and
Easter bunnies. Just read this, a story
from the Associated Press:
Thu
Mar 23, 9:31 AM ET
A toy rabbit,
pastel-colored eggs and a sign with the words "Happy Easter" were
removed from the lobby of the City Council offices, because of concerns they
might offend non-Christians.
A council
secretary had put up the decorations. They were not bought with city money.
But City
Council member Dave Thune says removing the decorations went too far, and he
wonders why they can't celebrate spring with "bunnies and fake
grass."
What’s next? Will we start outlawing Santa Claus at Christmastime
because he might be offensive to non-Christians? (Actually, that might happen next. Let’s
face it; our country believes in tolerance, as
long as you don’t believe that Jesus died for your sins.)
As a follow-up to
what I posted Tuesday, the person who had the gall to switch from Islam to
Christianity in
Darrell
March 21, 2006
Before we start,
I’d like to remind all of you that the opinions represented here are the sole
property of Mr. Darrell Plummer, Jr. Do
not claim any of the opinions expressed herein as your own. You don’t want people to think you’re crazy,
do you?
I’d like to share
something interesting and disturbing with you to start off. A person in
I’ll get off my
soapbox now.
Today’s uplifting
thought from the Dartman: I can predict
the gender of your child! I boast an
astonishing accuracy rate of 38.5%!
(Think about that.)
Random Quote: The FDA
has approved the first ever transdermal patch for the treatment of
depression. Simply remove the backing
and press the patch firmly over your mother’s mouth. ~ Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live;
reprinted in Time, March 20, 2006
Some people have
been asking about me. They want to know
what’s going on with me. Therefore, let
me issue this response:
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
I’m
kidding! Actually, I’m doing fine. I’m staying out of trouble. My coffee addiction is well under control; I
only indulge on Sunday mornings. Of
course, if I ever figure out how to
work a coffee machine, I might have a different response. Caffeine doesn’t make me more alert (or does
it?), it makes me more jumpy – only if I have three cups of coffee in quick
succession.
Today
is a rather sad anniversary for me. On
this date last year, I last saw my beloved cat Smokey. (That sound you just heard was 15 million
people spitting out their iced mochaccinos and angrily shouting, NOT
THE CAT AGAIN!) Cats
influence everything around them; that’s why my dog is the laziest,
good-for-nothing thing around. She
emulates the cat. After Smokey left, I
got emotional just walking down the cat food isle at Wal-Mart. I’m over that. I don’t go
down the cat food isle anymore; I don’t need
to go down the cat food isle anymore!
Why torture myself? Seriously, he
was such a good cat. Having said that, I
can tell that, one of these days, I’ll be getting a kitty cat of my very
own. I can’t help it; I’m a cat
person. So, ladies, if you’re interested
in going out with a Web-published author, you must enjoy Statler Brothers
music, golf, pizza, stage performances (namely, my acting), and – most of all – cats. (That should ensure my lifetime of
bachelorhood!)
Speaking
of ensuring, it’s time for everybody’s favorite…
Hoedown!
Whoops,
sorry. Typo.
Word of the Week: megalomania
– n. meaning 1. A mania for grandiose or
extravagant things or actions; 2. A mental disorder characterized by delusions
of grandeur (pronounced meg-uh-lo-MAY-nee-ah or meg-uh-lo-MAY-nee-nyuh)
No megalomaniacs need apply.
I love all of you!
(Except you; blow your nose!)
Darrell
March 10, 2006
It’s nice to be
back here with you all. I was involved
in an incident recently. I wish I could talk
about it, so I will! Let me see if I can
remember it… I’ve really got to start writing these ideas down as they come to me,
instead of waiting until I’m in front of a computer…
Ah, yes, now I
remember. Last Sunday, coming home from
church, we were passed by some bonehead.
The reason I call this person a bonehead is because they decided to use
the shoulder as a passing lane. At 70
MPH. While we were at 65 MPH. While they were within a mile of turning off the highway.
Once again, it proves my point of idiots being allowed to drive. One of these days, I’m writing a book. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for
people to follow driving rules. Those
speed limit signs aren’t posted just as a waste of taxpayers’ money. (Okay, bad example.)
Well, I’ve done it
again. Speaking of driving, I tried to
do the stupidest thing. I was pulling
out of a parking lot somewhere when I realized, I forgot to start the car!
Can you imagine how strange
that was? How is the car even going to move if the engine isn’t running? I’ve got to be the stupidest genius in the
world. Next thing you know, I’ll write
the greatest book that God didn’t impart to His people, and then realize, I forgot to write it down! Let’s face it; I’m loopy!
Today’s uplifting
thought from the Dartman: Roses may be
red, and violets blue (shouldn’t they be, oh I don’t know, violet???), but a plaid jacket and polka dot slacks do not make an
appealing outfit, no matter what flower is hanging from your lapel.
Here’s an idea I’ve
been thinking about recently. I want to
sing. (As a side note, my e-mail is now
set up to automatically reject all threats, whether bodily, mental, hollow,
anti-singing, etc.) Namely, I want to
sing in a gospel quartet. At least this
way, we could bury my voice. I have
great range, although I haven’t hit the right note in 30 years! (To explain that joke, I’m 26 years of
age.) There’s something about a good
quartet that just makes me smile. Yes,
yes, I know. Any quartet I’m in wouldn’t make anybody smile. Very funny, everybody! Just for that, you’ll be getting a copy of my
new CD, and you’ll listen to it, and you’ll like it! (Geez, nothing’s
holier than gospel music laced with implied threats.) Actually, I think I’d be good in a
quartet. I have a good ear (if I can
only find it) and a good sense of
rhythm. I also have experience singing
on stage, with people staring (and laughing hysterically) at me. Now, if I can only find three people who
would be willing to tolerate my screeching… err, sing with me, I’ll be set.
Speaking of
tolerance, here’s the…
Word of the Week: ululate – intransitive v. meaning to howl, as a dog or
a wolf; to wail; as, ululating jackals (pronounced UL-yuh-layt or
YOOL-yuh-layt)
Example: Darrell’s ululating
caused all the concertgoers to demand their money back.
Hey! Who wrote that?
I’m going to end with my favorite driving story. Three years ago, following an ice storm, I
naively decided to drive to NSU in Tahlequah for classes. I made it to about ten miles south of Sallisaw
when I slid off the road. I attempted to
get back onto the road, but due to the slickness of the road (and me being on a
soft shoulder), I was unable to establish enough traction to get my motor
vehicle back onto the easement.
(Translated: I couldn’t get the
car back onto the road!) Therefore,
since I was afraid of another car sliding off the road and hitting me (I was barely off the highway), I drove down
the embankment and tried to reach a driveway about 500 feet away. My intention was to get back onto the highway
and head back home. Unfortunately,
although the road was iced over, the ground wasn’t frozen, and I managed to get
my car stuck in mud. The thing had to be
towed out. As a final insult,
unbeknownst to me, NSU had cancelled
classes that day! ARRRGH!!!
Boy, am I nuts!
Darrell
March 4, 2006
Due to popular
demand, the Dartnel will be undergoing a facelift very shortly. Hold on…
That costs a lot of money and involves surgery, doesn’t it? Never mind.
Here we are, at yet
another March in yet another year full of another round of incessant rambling
on someone’s Web site. I’ve got to be
honest, mainly because if I’m not, I’ll be dragged off to la-la land. I’m not sure whether that’s good or bad,
actually. March is definitely the time
people start to worry about their income taxes.
How can I cheat the government this year? (Just kidding, IRS! On a side note, shut up, Stan!) I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it
again: Taxes are too complicated. Who in their right mind would sort through
mounds of paperwork and endless amounts of IRS forms and publications just to
see whether they owe the IRS money or if they’re getting a refund? That’s why I’m an accounting; I’m hardly in my right mind!
Today’s uplifting thought
from the Dartman: Remember, don’t drink
and drive. It’s not good when you see
five golf balls on the tee! (Ah, heck,
Daryl, I jest hit ‘em all!) Would you please get my name right? (Sorry, Darell.) Try again.
(Darrel?) I GIVE UP! (That’s nice to
know, Dwayne.) ARRRGH!!!
Bad news,
folks. I’m addicted to coffee. Yes, it’s finally happened. I just can’t function in church without
coffee. It wakes you up. Last Sunday, I didn’t have coffee before
Sunday School, and I nearly dozed off.
In fact, I actually prayed during the class for the Lord to keep me
awake. I was lucky to get my eyes opened
after that prayer. I like coffee, after
I add two crèmes and a Sweet-and-Low.
You’ve got to cover up that awful coffee taste. Don’t drink it right away, unless you enjoy
the sensation of your taste buds burning away.
Let it cool. Take small
sips. Savor the aroma and flavor. Again, let me emphasize, don’t gulp it all down at once!
Well, you can if you enjoy the sensation of your stomach and esophagus
being on fire. My limit is two
coffees. If I have any more, I go wacky,
even for me. Basically, I turn into
Daffy Duck. (Now I’ve done it. I’ve
discussed theology and cartoons in the same paragraph. My editors are going to go nuts!)
On This Date: On
March 4, 1789, our Constitution took effect, and the first Congress met for the
first time… in
I hate to do this
to you, but here’s the…
Word of the Week: simulacrum – n. meaning 1. An image;
a representation; 2. An insubstantial, superficial, or vague likeness or
semblance (pronounced sim-yuh-LAY-kruhm or sim-yuh-LAK-ruhm)
Later, suckers!
Darrell