The Dartnel
May
31, 2007
All
Things All the Time
Welcome
back. We are so happy you've decided to spend some time with us.
Pull up a chair and relax. You're welcome to stay as long as you want.
First
things first. Why do people say "first things
first"? Has anybody in the history of humankind ever held off on
first things 'til the last? Has anybody waited until
they were in the middle of a conversation before going with their "first
thing"? More importantly, does anybody start off with the
middle thing first? (I would have gone with the last thing first, but
sometimes there's only one thing that needs saying, so technically,
you could have "last things first".) Who comes up with
some of these sayings, anyway?
Second
things second. (Boy, am I going to milk this!) As many of you know,
I have a follicle-growing problem. I just can't seem to grow enough of
it! Now, I am forced to dwell on some of the benefits of having an
expanded forehead. For one, you don't have to spend as much on hair care
products! I mean, why buy shampoo if you don't have any use for it?
There's also a rumor going about that men who have extra scalp visible are more
attractive to the womenfolk. I think it has something to do with
the womenfolk being able to check their makeup and hair by using the reflective
surface as a mirror!!! (Great, now I've depressed myself...)
Third
things third. I am seriously considering getting contact lenses. I
have to get my eyes checked, and I know for a fact that they've gotten
weaker. Even with my glasses on, my right eye tends to be a blur.
Besides, my lenses are all scratched up. Unfortunately for me, I've been
instructed on how to train myself for wearing contacts. You hold your eye
open and touch your eyeball with your finger without blinking.
Beautiful. On the upside, the contacts will give me back my peripheral
vision, so I'd be able to see you if you're making snide comments about me off
to my side. Hmmm... maybe I should stick to glasses after all!
Last
things last. Clean up your mess when you leave.
Darrell
May
25, 2007
Weddings,
DIM Style
DIM Report 74656
Sure Signs You're At a Bad Wedding
1. The ushers are dressed as Disney characters.
2.
Tickets for
admission start at $20; $200 for reserved seating.
3.
The pastor
leads off by saying, "Everybody's getting married; that's great..."
and you know that he doesn't mean it.
4.
The best man
is the groom's divorce attorney.
5.
I'm in it!
6.
The bride
breaks into uncontrollable laughter when the pastor says "for as long as
you both shall live".
7.
The song sung
is The Mississippi Squirrel Revival.
8.
The pastor
forgets to have the newly married couple kiss. (Not that I've seen that
happen...)
9.
Instead of
birdseed, you throw polysulfuric acid at the newlyweds.
10.
The wedding
reception will be held at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and you have
to pay for your own food!
May
22, 2007 
The
Number 47
Okay,
folks, bear with me here; this may be one of my sillier blog entries ever!
My
favorite number just might be the number 47. Yes, I know, odd
choice. It's symbolic. It's the number of hairs left on my
forehead!!! (Well, that makes 47 bald jokes this year alone.)
Actually, let me explain while at the same time displaying my nerdiness.
If you've ever watched an episode of Star Trek, especially later The
Next Generation episodes, the number 47 usually shows up somewhere,
somehow. I wasn't even aware of this until I listened to the commentary
of Star Trek: Generations, which proves that I have way too much spare
time. The writers of the film admitted to inserting 47 into everything
they wrote. Examples: Scotty beams aboard 47 people, Data gives an
arrival time of 47 minutes.
Folks,
there are other occurrences of the number 47. It just seems to pop up
more often than random chance would indicate. Let me give you some
examples:
1. Hello, Dolly! – Dolly Levi is trying to sell Horace
Vandergelder on a woman, named Ernestine Money. The woman, by the way, is
a flat-out lie, but that's not important to my point. She quotes Ms. Money's
waist size at 47, "that's with the money belt."
2. $847.63 - cash register reading when Maggie
gets scanned at opening credits of The Simpsons.
3. 47 acres on movie Dog's Best Friend.
4. Rolaids absorbs 47 times its weight in
excess acid.
5. There are 47 letters in the dedication
plaque on Mudd-Blaisdell Hall, which was completed in 1947.
6. The Declaration of Independence consists of
47 sentences.
7. The New Testament credits Jesus with 47
miracles.
Aside
from the first example, I actually found these just now on a website dedicated
to the number 47: the 47 Society, http://www.47.net/47society.
Okay,
obviously I have way too much time on my hands. Oh, well, at least I
thought it was interesting. Just do me a favor. Keep a lookout for
the number 47.
EDIT 5/22/07:
Another interesting tidbit relating to the above, which I somehow failed to
include when composing this masterpiece. In fact, it's the main reason I
was inspired to write this drivel. (Um, Darrell, does that make this
Dartnel entry genius or idiotic? We need to know!)
Last
week, 47 people visited Dartnel (Not-So-)Lite!
Darrell
May
15, 2007 
Much
Ado 'Bout a Movie
Yesterday,
I read a news article. A substitute teacher elected to show Brokeback
Mountain to a sixth-grade class. One of the young ladies in the
class didn't much care for the movie. Now her grandparents are suing the
school where the movie was shown, claiming that their aforementioned
granddaughter suffered "psychological distress," or wording amounting
to such. They want half a million dollars in punitive
damages.
First
off, I hope that the substitute teacher is fired, loses her teaching license,
and is not allowed to teach anywhere ever again. I'd feel the same way if
that teacher showed Gladiator, for instance. (Actually, a caveat
here: We did watch Gladiator in a college class once.
It was Western Civ, and the movie was relevant to the course. Of
course, it was also a college setting. Back to our regular programming.)
A
teacher is supposed to teach, even if he or she is merely a substitute. I
substitute teach a children's Sunday School class at church, and I know that
sometimes kids won't listen to their substitute, no matter what. Still, I
make an attempt to teach the material as well as I can. Maybe, just maybe,
the kids will get something out of the lesson. From what I read, this
teacher didn't make the effort. She even allegedly told the kids not to
tell that they were watching a movie, so she evidently knew that what she was
doing was wrong.
My
second point is this: Where do these grandparents get off? Yes, showing
the movie was wrong, and yes, the teacher should be disciplined. Having
said that, these grandparents look like they're in it for the money.
They're not suing the substitute teacher; they're suing the school.
It's kind of like suing Wal Mart for $750,000 when your cashier curses you out
in front of your children. Of course, that last one would never happen
(although with the way we're going...). The only way these
grandparents could win this lawsuit, it seems to me, would be to prove that the
school knew about the movie showing. Yes, I know, there are legal
chicaneries that could be used, but still...
Last
point, I promise. This article allowed people to voice their
opinions. Some were with the grandparents (sue the school), some feel the
way I do, and some didn't see anything wrong with showing the movie in the
first place. However, reading the vitriolic acid that some of these
people spewed really bothered me. There was so much hate
in some of the opinions that it made me ashamed. We should all be
entitled to our opinions, but we should also treat those who don't share our
views with respect. I know a lot of you don't agree with what I've
written in this blog entry alone. Hey, that's fine; leave me a comment,
and be civil about why you disagree with me.
We
should be a group of people who can have intelligent discourses without blowing
up whenever somebody questions our beliefs. You want to do that, you want
to get angry and throw a fit whenever you don't get your way, run for
Congress! That's where you belong! (I felt a little levity was
called for at this point.)
Thanks
as always for your patronage.
Darrell
May
6, 2007 
Thank
You, Troops
Sometimes
I worry about society. It recently came to my attention that there is a
MySpace group called... Well, I'm not exactly comfortable mentioning its
name. Suffice to say, judging from the group's name, they seem to be into
bashing our armed forces.
I've been thinking a lot recently about our troops and what they're going
through, especially those in Iraq. They're fighting an unpopular war,
putting their lives on the line every day to protect innocent people from those
whose most pressing concern is trying to kill as many people as they can, using
whatever means necessary. Strike out the word "unpopular," and
that last sentence describes Afghanistan pretty well.
You know, I can understand why people are against what's going on in
Iraq. Let's face it; it looks pretty bad over there. However, just
because you might be against the war doesn't mean that you're against the
troops. They deserve our support and our respect, even if we disagree
with why they're over there. They definitely DON'T need to be belittled or called four-letter
words by their fellow citizens.
Please think about what our troops have sacrificed for their duty.
Darrell
May
4, 2007 
1,000
People Can't All Be Wrong... Can They?
Ladies
and gentlemen, here's an important announcement...
Dartnel Lite
Voted Most Wasteful of Web Spaces!!!
(If
you didn't know that was coming, you must be new here.)
Here's
the real announcement...
Dartnel Lite
Passes 1,000 Mark!!!
Geez,
I kinda liked the first one better; didn't you? (Yes, I know; you can't
compound a statement with a question.)
I
guess I owe all of you a write-up on Oklahoma! I can't tell you
how many people have come up to me and told me how much they enjoyed the show!
Makes me wonder... In Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, I had
a lead role, and few people told me how good that show was. In Oklahoma!,
I had a bit role, and people can't stop telling me how good the show was!
In all fairness (mostly to me), I'm sure I've simply run into more people who
saw Oklahoma! than saw C&tCF.
Well,
now it's performance withdrawal for me. For the first time in three
months, I'm not in rehearsal for a stage performance.
Too bad. I become a totally different person on stage, unless you believe
for a moment that I'm either (1) an insane chocolate maker or (2) a
riot-starting federal marshal. Actually, what I'll miss most about the
performances is the rehearsals themselves. Don't tell anyone, but that's
the most fun for me, figuring out how I'm going to play a character, seeing the
others run through their lines, staging, joking about with cast mates, and
generally having a great time. That's what I miss the most.
That's
it for me. I'll talk with you later.
Darrell