The
Dartnel
November
30, 2006
Weather Swing
This is ridiculous.
Yesterday, we were looking at record high temperatures.
Today, we're looking at winter storms. In fact, there's a blizzard
warning in effect for along the I-44 corridor from Tulsa through Miami, up to
the Missouri state line.
I know, I know. We were warned. I'm not complaining,
or saying that we were blindsided. Still, a 50+ degree drop in
temperatures in a little over 24 hours? Ice? Snow, when we were
wearing shorts yesterday? (Of course, I don't wear shorts, but
that's a different story.) I half-expect record lows in the next
day or two. (Actually, they just showed the record lows on 40/29; they're
in the single digits, so I don't think record lows are in the cards, thank
goodness.)
All I can say is, I hope your heater is working. Also, keep
in mind that the weather could have been a lot worse.
Darrell
November
25, 2006
What a stupid I
am!
Well, I have 20 minutes
of computer time left at the library, and I'm soooooooooooooooooo bored, so you all are being subjected to
yet another one of my bizarre, nonsensical ramblings! BWH-HA-HA!!!!!!
Well, Dum-Dum here decided to brave the crowds yesterday and go
early-morning, day-after-Thanksgiving shopping. My initial plan was to go
to Best Buy about 4 AM and get a $200 computer. Once I got there, though,
those plans went up in smoke. I'm guessing that there were already 1,000
people or so already standing in line. The line, I'm guessing, was about
1/4 of a mile long! I high-tailed it to the Rogers Ave. Wal Mart from
there. (And yet, in my check register, I always write it down as
Wal-Mart! Why is that?) All I can say is, I've still got all of my
agility! It was a great aerobic workout, bending and weaving through
traffic like that!
Now, let me tell you what I learned. If you want a cheap
computer from one of those day-after-Thanksgiving sales (for future reference,
of course), line up outside the store the day before
Thanksgiving. I'm serious; you have to be willing to sacrifice Turkey Day
in order to pay low dollar for a computer. (Incidentally, once those P.C.
junkies have their way, it will officially be called "Turkey Day";
evidently, "Thanksgiving" is too offensive, along with
"Christmas". I'm not kidding; I read it in an Op/Ed piece.)
You know, I may have set a record of sorts Thanksgiving. I
may have been the only person who ate a big Thanksgiving meal and lost
weight during the day! Well, right after the meal, I walked around Wal
Mart in Ft. Smith (the one on Zero) for an hour or so. Besides, I
followed my own advice, had pumpkin pie, and fought off anyone who came near
said pie with a bath'leth!
(Maybe I should wash the fruit before I eat it...)
Anybody who knows who originally said the quote listed in my
subject line either is a golf fan, is a former reader of the old Dartnel, or
has waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Darrell
November
20, 2006
Lack of Respect
Folks, I'm getting
tired of the lack of respect we show.
Last Saturday, I was driving home. I stopped at the corner
of McKenna and Cosner. (For you out-of-towners, just know that it's a
four-way stop.) We were backed up because there was a funeral procession.
The procession was coming off Hwys. 59-271, down Cosner, and right on
McKenna. From its viewpoint, I was left on McKenna.
Well, whoever was right in front of me decided that they were too goooooood
to wait for the funeral procession to pass, so they pulled into the left lane
and proceeded to turn left onto Cosner. At least they didn't pull into
the procession. A little later, a car stopped at the four-way sign on
Cosner (from the procession's viewpoint, they would have been straight ahead)
and turned right onto McKenna (again, not into the procession itself).
Where's the respect? Aren't we taught that, whenever we see
a funeral procession, we stop and let them pass? Don't we know that we
definitely don't drive on, even if we aren't going to drive on the
roads the procession is traveling? What did the participants in the
funeral procession think? Were they horribly offended? What did
they think when they saw the first car pull out of traffic and turn onto the
road in front of them impatiently? Most importantly, concerning the two
drivers of the cars mentioned above, if they were going to the cemetery to bury
their loved one, wouldn't they want people to stop and show respect?
Where's the respect?
Darrell
November
17, 2006
Is eggnog
traditional for Thanksgiving?
(originally posted on the Dartnel last November; I'm too lazy to come up
with anything original this year)
Thanksgiving is
next week. I hope yours is great. Eat all you want, especially pumpkin
pie. Yum-yum! Just remember, your post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas diet starts
next Friday! Also, please don't
let the dog get on the table with the turkey on it. Call me crazy, but I have a hunch something might go wrong with
that. Remember to pace yourself while
eating. Don't fill up on salad and
bread. Save room for the good stuff,
like candy… wait, wrong holiday. I
meant, save room for hot dogs… wait, that's the Fourth of July. When eating your turkey, make sure it's been
cooked first. Those frozen turkeys can
really crack your teeth. At dessert,
don't hesitate to knock your beloved family members to the floor if the last
piece of (pumpkin) pie is at stake.
Once they're out of the hospital, they'll forgive you. They also won't show up for Thanksgiving
next year, which means more pie for you!
(Seriously, don't do that. That
would be wrong.)
What about apple
cider? Is that traditional for
Thanksgiving?
If you'll excuse
me, I have to hide. The turkeys got
wind of this Thanksgiving thing, and boy, are they mad!
Darrell
November 17, 2006
Automotive
Insanity
First off, let me
offer my sage advice:
Don't drive a car that was built before Bill Clinton won the presidency.
My '92 Tempo is a joke. Of course, when your car has
106,000+ miles, it's easy to say that. I'd go further, but I already did
so in my last entry (see below, ahead of my debut album!). When a car
gets old, it will tend to need work. So, yesterday I decided to get the
joke aligned.
The mechanics put the car on the rack, then called me back to tell
me that the thing's inner tie rods were worn out. Now, I had the same
thing told to me by a couple of other mechanics... three years ago.
Turned out all it needed then was... an alignment! That didn't
really upset me. They told me that they couldn't perform the alignment I
wanted; they thought it wouldn't hold. That didn't really upset me.
They charged me a $25 rack fee. THAT upset me. I
was mad enough to chew neutronium. Of course, I didn't let them know
that. Still, they charge me $25 to tell me that they can't fix my
car? That's like an accountant (for this example, I'll use me, since I am
one)... That's like me telling you that I can't prepare your taxes because
you didn't give me enough information and charging you $50 because I was unable
to do your taxes!
They want money to do nothing? Who do they think they are,
Congress?
Darrell
November 14, 2006
Random
Musings
Even as the original Dartnel gathers dust, the MySpace-published
Dartnel (Not-So-)Lite has passed the 500 views mark! Now, for my next
trick, I will pull a hat out of a rabbit! (I'm going to get letters...)
For all of those who have asked, I'm doing well, in spite of my newfound
ability to maim myself with a razor. Twice these past seven days, I have
managed, while shaving, to remove the skin from my right sideburn area!
(Yeah, I shave my sideburns. What's it to you?) Why is it that
every time I swear never to do something that stupid again, I do the same
stupid thing mere days later? Last time, it was jumping in the
shower. Now, I'm unable to keep myself from removing facial skin.
Next thing you know, I'll be attempting to release another music album.
Even I returned that one!
Well, my car is back in driving shape. The tires have been
fixed. Now, she just needs an alignment. I'm looking into a similar
procedure for myself. (Wow, these Romulan sleeping pills work
wonders!) The darn thing sounds awful, is impossible to handle, has a
sound system near collapse, has scratched paint, and looks lousy on the
inside. (The car, not me! You people are mean!)
One final thought. Have you ever noticed that people who
wear glasses are twice as likely to have sight problems as people who don't
need glasses?
Darrell
November
7, 2006
DIM Election
Fun!
DIM Report 64758 (doesn't my DIM staff number
these sequentially?)
Mistakes to Ensure You Don't Get Elected to Public Office
1. Promise to raise taxes for everybody who doesn't
contribute $1,000 to your election campaign.
2. Run as a Republican in the state of New York.
3. Run an attack ad against yourself. (Mr. Sneezy is
weird. He visits adult-only Internet sites. He's been arrested 47
times, for offenses ranging from armed robbery to arm robbery to
loitering. Do we really want a person like this representing us?
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Mr. Sneezy.)
4. Your massive illegal immigrant deportation bill includes clauses to
deport Mr. Spock, C3PO, the gorilla from Planet of the Apes, Mork, and
the entire cast from 3rd Rock from the Sun.
5. Run as a Democrat in the state of Idaho.
6. Claim that you invented the Internet before you were against inventing
the Internet.
7. Tell the truth about everything. Let's face it; an honest
politician is an oxymoron.
8. You look like that guy from the Oak Ridge Boys, with the long beard
and scraggly-looking hair. (I hope William Lee Golden doesn't read my
blog...)
9. At every campaign stop, when you're asked questions, you develop a
facial tick, sneer, ask "What's it to you, you stupid, booze-drinking,
chain-smoking hick?", and throw a balloon filled with sulfuric acid at the
person who asked the question. (That's how John Quincy Adams lost it in
1832.)
10. Stutter, look uncomfortable, have questionable intelligence, be
unable to pronounce the word "nuclear", be oblivious to the
truth... Eh, I think we need a new number 10, considering that this is
how Grant got elected.
November 3, 2006
Vote!
Vote.
This Tuesday, November 7th, is the date. Your voice is
requested. Go to your polling place and V-O-T-E.
I don't care if you're a Republican who's thinking about
withholding your vote because you're mad at Bush. I don't care if you're
a Democrat who's not planning on voting because you don't feel it's necessary
(We'll win big even if I don't vote!). I don't care if you think
your vote doesn't matter. I don't care if you think your vote won't get
counted. I don't care if the only reason you can come up with for voting
is because you think there's a proposition on the ballot to make it a federal
crime for me to be singing. (There won't be; I'm too well
connected!) V-O-T-E!!!
We are citizens of this great country. It's not only our
right, but also our duty to vote. If you're not registered, it's too late
to vote in this election, but please register. Your vote does
matter. Your vote is
important.
Vote.
Soapbox closed.
Darrell