The
Dartnel
October 31, 2006
DIM Report 13666:
Ten Things Even Halloween Considers Too Scary
1. You decide to go trick-or-treating as a nude model.
2. Instead of bobbing for apples, you have your party guests bob for flu
shots. (Think about it.)
3. Your Halloween "candy" tastes suspiciously like that
fruitcake your Aunt Edna sent you three years ago. (We're all about
recycling at the Dartman Institute of Misinformation.)
4. You yodel at every party you're invited to.
5. You decide to go trick-or-treating as Richard Simmons, as long as your
tank top isn't too sweaty.
6. You can't finish your "black cat" because you've run out of
black ink and your tabby's natural colors are shining through...
7. You decide to go trick-or-treating as your mom. (I'm going to
get letters...)
8. You spike the Halloween punch with... a football.
9. That skeleton hanging in the doorframe is way too
authentic. (I'd go farther with this one, but I don't want to appear
politically incorrect.)
10. You decide to go trick-or-treating, even though you're 39 years old.
October 27, 2006
The Old
Substitute Teacher Curse
Is anybody else besides me sick to death of that picture of me in
1890's clothing?
Okay, that's not what this is all about. Truth is,
I'm scared. The old substitute teacher curse has me worried. Let me
explain.
Occasionally, at church I fill in as Sunday School teacher for
children in the first through third grades. Now, I'm sure we all remember
how ... ahem ... hyper we tended to get whenever our regular teacher
in school was out. The substitute teacher generally was at a loss as to
how to handle us. (Except for me; I was so nice and well behaved... 
)
Well, the same thing happens in Sunday School with the substitute.
The last two times, I have been practically unable to teach because the kids
just wouldn't focus. Maybe they smell my fear. Maybe it's because I
have the speaking skills of... Does anyone remember Reg Barclay from Star
Trek:TNG? He's a better public speaker than I am. (If,
perchance, any prospective employers are reading this, I'm kidding.) My
problem is that I try to say three or four words at once. Oh, well.
I'm sure they'll behave this week. 
Another item of note. If anybody's driving through the Rock
Island area this Sunday between the hours of 5 and 6 PM, and you hear what
sounds like a coyote howl, please relax; it's just me singing! We're
doing a Singspiration thing at our church. They're the only ones I
torment with my vocal abilities. First music, then chili and beans, then more
music! (Oh, that was cheap.)
By the way, you know why I'm in a hat? It's a lot easier
than powdering my forehead every 45 seconds. Trust me, my unpowdered
forehead has been responsible for more blindness-related incidents among theatergoers
in Poteau than staring directly into the sun for hours on end! (Of
course, nobody would be stupid enough to even attempt such a thing...)
Darrell
October 20, 2006
More
than a Name on a Wall
The Moving Wall is in Poteau this weekend. It is a
half-scale recreation of the Wall in Washington, D.C. You know, the Wall
that lists all the Vietnam War dead. I've heard that the actual Wall
tends to have an incredible effect on people who see it. I plan to see
the Moving Wall myself before it leaves; if memory serves, the last day you can
see it is Monday. It's at the cemetery.
Speaking of moving and the Wall... Don Reid, the lead singer
of the Statler Brothers, said at the Statler's final concert that, if you're
ever in Washington, you should see the Wall. "And you should see
it at night, and you should touch it. It, in return, will touch
you."
The song lyrics that follow come from one of my favorite
songs. The Statlers dedicated it, and I'd like to reaffirm the
dedication, "to all of those whose names are there, and to all of those
who risked having their names there, on the Wall."
More Than A Name On A Wall
Jimmy Fortune/John Rimel
I saw her from a distance as she walked up to the wall
In her hand she held some flowers as her tears began to fall
And she took out pen and paper as to trace her memories
And she looked up to heaven and the words she said were these
She said Lord my boy was special and he meant so much to me
And oh I'd love to see him just one more time you see
All I have are the memories and the moments to recall
So Lord could you tell him that he's more than a name on a wall
She said he really missed the family and being home on Christmas day
And he died for God and country in a place so far away
I remember just a little boy playing war since he was three
But Lord this time I know he's not comin' home to me
She said Lord my boy was special and he meant so much to me
And oh I'd love to see him but I know it just can't be
So I thank you for my memories and the moments to recall
So Lord could you tell him that he's more than a name on a wall
©1988 Song of Universal-MCA
October 16, 2006
DIM Report 47474:
Revised Conversational Rules
1. When engaging in a conversation, the first thing you
should do is point out the other person's flaws. "Gee, your breath
really stinks!" is an effective icebreaker.
2. Always stare at the other person's kneecaps; this is how they know
that you are riveted by every word they say.
3. The best way to get the attention of the opposite gender is to tell as
many "Yo Mama" jokes as you can in 60 seconds.
4. The first thing you say to somebody should be a bald-faced lie.
(If you're bald, you can skip this step!)
5. It is not acceptable to tell somebody that they're too
skinny. (Personal peeve on my part.)
6. When stuck listening to a boring person drone on and on about some
mind-numbing something or other, feel free to put a lampshade on your head and
rumba while juggling citrus fruit. If this doesn't shut them up, tell
them about the time you were featured on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.
7. If you're the boring person droning on and on about some
mind-numbing something or other, do an impersonation of a drunk while you're
droning. (hic...The reasonnnn there ... hic ... are pour
peopil...hic...cheep booze...hic...) (I'm going to get letters...)
8. The surest way to impress somebody is to claim to be corpse number
three on an episode of CSI.
9. If you must insult somebody, do it in the form of a hoedown form Whose
Line Is It Anyway?
10. Beware of anybody who posts ten revised rules of conversation on
their MySpace blog. (Can't beware of me; I only came up with nine!!!)
October
13, 2006
The
Return of the Legend!
Or maybe not.
(EDIT 12/31/06: In all
probability, this will be the last Dartnel entry; everything posted after this
date will probably come from my MySpace blog.)
I hope y’all enjoyed last month’s simulcast of Dartnel Lite. A couple of additional entries from my new focus
are posted below, mainly so I can “claim” that I’ve been updating the Dartnel
after all.
It’s Friday the 13th, and you know what that means. Everybody who views the Dartnel on a Friday the 13th
will receive two very disturbing items in their e-mail. One is a bootleg copy of Stan Smith’s newest
CD, Songs to Annoy Your Neighbors. On it are such classics as Sorry I Stole Your Mower, Your Wife Is Ugly, Only Hugh (think about that),
My Dog Dug Up Your Prize-Winning Petunias, and my duet with him, We Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Record Any More
Albums. Any wonder why Stan doesn’t
get invited to parties? The sad thing
is, Stan’s bootlegging his own
CD! What a yutz!
The second item you’ll receive, at absolutely no
cost to you, is a copy of the actual petition signed by 47.47% of the residents
of Poteau. This petition is responsible
for me not being allowed to sing during our recent performance of Annie.
That, and the fact that whenever I tried to sing, our beloved director
stuffed 47 cotton balls into her ears and started to cry due to “the unbearable
pain.” I’ll show her; she’s getting an
actual copy of Songs to Annoy Your
Neighbors! Better sound
quality! (Actually, that might be a
caveat. How many more big words am I
going to use today?)
Today’s uplifting thought from the Dartman: Take time to tell your neighbors that you
love them. Okay, leave alone the people
with the “Guns dont kill peopil; we kill peopil” sign in their front yard. You’re right; leave alone the neighbors with
the man-eating gerbils (women should be fine; they’re man-eating gerbils, after all!).
Of course; leave alone the neighbors who have been playing Stan’s CDs;
they obviously have questionable judgment, to say the least…
Now for something truly frightening. I’m singing again! Our church has begun work on our Christmas cantata. I’m singing tenor. Fortunately, I don’t have any solos. Unfortunately, counting me, we only have two tenors! I might not be
drowned out! The cantata itself has
several beautiful songs. We’ll do our
best on them!
Speaking of singing, I’m reminded of a church
bulletin blooper:
Tonight’s sermon topic: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Now for more frights, it’s the long-delayed…
Word
of the Week: braggadocio
– n. meaning 1. A braggart; 2. Empty
boasting; 3. A swaggering, cocky manner (pronounced brag-uh-DOH-see-oh;
brag-uh-DOH-shee-oh; brag-uh-DOH-shoh)
Later, suckers!
(Boy, I’m being extremely rude today.
L)
Darrell
October
12, 2006
Political
Cartoons!
No, I'm not posting any cartoons here; I have no
great desire to be sued!
There were a couple of political cartoons I read
recently that just cracked me up. One
of them seems to sum up the state of our two-party system perfectly. It shows an elephant and a donkey,
representing the two parties. One of
them, holding a booklet saying "Democrats' '08 Election Plan," is
saying to the other, "It's your fault!" The other, holding a booklet saying "Republicans' '08
Election Strategy," is also saying to the other, "It's your
fault!" Hey, I've been saying it
all along! This country is in a
political civil war. Both sides need to
take tranquilizers and relax.
The other one, I think, would crack you up no matter
what side of the Foley scandal you're on.
(Anybody who thinks Foley's actions were completely proper, by the way,
is an idiot!) The cartoon shows a GOP
lawmaker (Dennis Hastert, maybe?) saying that he and the President are on the
same page. The next panel? The GOP lawmaker saying, "Let me
rephrase that..."
I promise, I'll get off this political kick soon.
Darrell
Monday,
October 09, 2006
Roundtable
with the Dartman
Good day.
I'm Darrell, and I'll be your moderator.
Our first item of discussion: Why do politicians look for every
opportunity to lash out at the other side?
Yes, we know, Republicans hate Democrats, and Democrats hate
Republicans. I just read that John
Kerry, while condemning North Korea for their nuclear weapon test, all but
blamed George W. Bush for the test in the first place. I'm sure there are still several Democrats
out there who think Bush actually orchestrated the 9/11 plot, while at the same
time claiming he's too stupid to even spell the word "orchestrated". (I probably misspelled it myself; there's no
MySpace spell checker!) Part of me
thinks that the Democrats are using this Foley scandal to exact revenge upon
Republicans for their reaction to the
Second item:
Is there a more ironic name for a country than the DPRK, Democratic
People's
Item number three:
With everything seemingly going against the Republicans (
I see by the old clock on the wall that we're out of
time for this week, and also that they're ready to put me back in my
straightjacket. (That's a joke,
people!) Join us next time, unless - as
seems likely - we're cancelled!
Darrell