What
follows is what I consider to be the cream of the crop, the best of the best,
the mightiest of the mighty, the most uplifting of the Uplifting Thoughts from
the Dartman!!! Whenever you need
encouragement in difficult times, please feel free to consult these
thoughts. In fact, bookmark this
page. I promise your spirits will be
uplifted! ~ Darrell
Don’t
believe him; he’s lying! ~ Stan
Shhh; they don’t know that! ~ Darrell
When driving down the highway, for crying out loud, don’t give yourself a
home perm! Trust me, it will look
horrible! ~ 1/12/05
If you can read the
license plate of the car right in front of you, then back off! You’re way too close! You want to ram into them at the next red
light or something? ~ 2/7/05
A healthy dose of insanity will keep you happy. (THAT should be my nickname; “A healthy
dose of insanity!”) ~ 3/17/05
I once fell in love. Trust me,
renting a billboard to profess your undying love to a woman you’ve only known
for 15 minutes is not a good idea! For
that matter, it’s not a good idea if you’ve known her for fifteen years! For that matter, it’s not a good idea if
you’ve been married 15 years! For
that matter, it’s not a good idea if you’ve been married 15 years and the subject
of the billboard isn’t your wife! (I
think this stopped being funny 15 minutes ago…)
~ 3/24/05
Carpe diem! (No, that doesn’t
mean to wear pants made from fish, Stan!)
~ 4/11/05
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The weak get going, too: going to
Sticks and stones may break my bones, so I stay off motorcycles. ~ 5/27/05
Birthdays are the signposts of life.
Wait…. That’s why husbands never remember their wives’
birthdays! They never see
signposts! ~ 6/13/05
Take care when
operating heavy machinery. You’d be
surprised at the damage you can do. Stan
cut off the skin on his knuckles when he tried to use his electric can
opener. (Hey, for him, that’s heavy machinery!)
~ 6/22/05
Tomorrow is your friend. I guess
that makes today my arch nemesis. The
problem is, tomorrow never comes, and today’s forever. Why can’t the saying be, Today is your
friend? Wouldn’t that make more
sense? (Can anyone tell I have
absolutely no idea what I’m talking about?) ~ 6/29/05
When things bother
you, take a deep breath. Count to
ten. Close your eyes. Wait!
Watch out for the bridge!
NOOO! (Perhaps it’s best not to
try this when you’re driving…) ~
7/22/05
Live and let
live. As in, leave lions alone! Do you really want them angry? Keep your head out of their mouths! (Great, now everybody’s going to think I’m smashed!) ~ 7/30/05
Children are the future.
Therefore, buy insurance on everything! (Let’s face it; if they conduct their
everyday business similar to the way they drive, we’re all in trouble!) ~
8/19/05
A picture is worth a thousand words.
Actually, that’s a lie. I went to
an art gallery and used precisely 1,000 words to describe the Mona Lisa, and I still didn’t get the painting! $2.5 million, when I paid a thousand
words? Grrr! ~ 10/6/05
Ghosts and ghouls
are really scary, and goblins and mummies are truly frightening, but the
spookiest thing I've ever seen was that letter from you-know-who telling me
that I was now the most popular Halloween costume. (Not funny, and lay
off the sushi!) ~ 10/31/05, and I’ve
been bumped down to number seven
I have a good head on my shoulders.
Now, if I can only find my shoulders… ~ 11/12/05
Live, love,
learn. Then again, you can’t live and
love without learning, but you can’t live and learn without love, but you can’t
love and learn without living, but… ~ 11/29/05, during National
Paradox Week, apparently
It's the thought
that counts. Still, toothpaste is a
really lousy Christmas present! Especially when it's obvious that you've used
up half of the tube! Good grief! ~ 12/17/05
Resolutions are
meant to be broken. Therefore, resolve
to be a mean, drunk chain-smoker. That’s
a resolution that all of us should make every effort to break! ~ 12/29/05, and unfortunately, Stan did keep
that one
It’s extremely
important to brush your teeth. … The point is, don’t lose your teeth. Stan accomplishes this by keeping them in a
glass jar, even though he still has all
of his teeth! I still don’t understand how he accomplishes that! ~ 1/6/06
People who live in
glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, unless their insurance policy covers that
sort of thing. Speaking of which, what
kind of moron would sell an insurance
policy guarding against shattered windows from flying objects inside to someone
who lives in a glass house? ~
1/14/06, and shut up, Stan!
Remember, it isn’t
nice to point at people. Don’t point
even if they have boogers hanging out of their nose, have makeup that resembles
a clown, are in dire need of a hair transplant, and/or are wearing “I’m With Stupid”
shirts with the arrow pointing up. ~ 2/10/06
I’m in my thirties,
which is terrible, considering I’m 26. ~
2/17/06, before senility set in
Remember, don’t
drink and drive. It’s not good when you
see five golf balls on the tee! (Ah,
heck, Daryl, I jest hit ‘em all!) Would
you please get my name right? (Sorry, Darell.) Try again.
(Darrel?)
I GIVE UP! (That’s nice to know, Dwayne.) ARRRGH!!! ~ 3/4/06, after senility set in
I can predict the
gender of your child! I boast an
astonishing accuracy rate of 38.5%! ~
3/21/06, and there was a typo; it actually was 3.85%
To be poplar, stand
straight in one place, don’t move, have plenty of exposure to sunlight, make
sure you have plenty of water and fertilizer, be well-rooted… Hold on, I meant to say popular. Sorry about that! ~ 7/11/06