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stories
[ The
Doggie Pledge ] [ Notice
to people who visit my home ] [ Top
10 Dog Peeves About Humans ] [ Dog Quotes ]
The
Doggie Pledge
(Author Unknown)
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I will not eat the cats' food,
before or after they eat it.
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I will not burn rubber through the
open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good
it smells.
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I will stop trying to find the few
remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
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I will not throw up in the car.
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I will scootch my bottom along the
grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
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I will not steal used sanitary
napkins from the bathroom garbage.
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I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc.
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I will not eat other animal's poop.
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I will not lick my human's face
after eating animal poop.
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"Kitty box crunchies" are
not food.
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I will not eat any more socks and
then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
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I will not wake Mummy up by
sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
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I will not chew my humans'
toothbrushes and not tell them.
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I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones, or my humans will think I am
hemorrhaging.
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When in the car, I will not insist
on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
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The sofa is not a face towel!
Neither are Mum and Dad's laps.
-
My head does not belong in the
refrigerator.
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I will not play tug-o'-war with
Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
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I do not need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
-
I will not roll my toys behind the
fridge.
-
I must shake the rainwater out of
my fur BEFORE entering the house.
Notice to people who
visit my home:
- The dog lives here. You don't.
- If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
- Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do
you. What's your point?
- OF COURSE he smells like a dog.
- It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free
to sniff his.
- I like him a lot better than I like most people
- To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted child who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no
problem with any of these things.
- Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant you can sell the pups.
Top
Ten Dog Peeves About Humans
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Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny!!
-
Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU
IDIOT!!
-
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
-
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ...
stop it!
-
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now
you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
-
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You
fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain,
you nitwit.
-
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time I go back.
-
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered the handshake thing
yet.
-
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look,
we both know the truth .. you're just jealous.
-
Dog sweaters. Have you notices the fur!
Imbecile!
Dog Quotes
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that
you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go
where they went." - Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." - Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he
loves himself." - Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we
can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the
best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James
Thurber
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult." - Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of
current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all
kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially
urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a
dog."- Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -
Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of
a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we
come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken,
pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on
earth!" - Anne Tyler
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A.Heinlein
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