From: Sarah
To: William Boyle
Subject: No siblings, no rivalry
Hello:
Your article makes me not want to have any more children besides the one that I have due to the large disservice towards the second child.
On a professional level, your article was great.
Thank You
-Sarah
Date: Fri, 01 Nov 2002 10:27:00 -0500
Hello Sarah:
Thank you for your message.
I am sorry that you may be inclined to not have additional brothers
or sisters for your child - sibling love may be the most enduring
one that any one of us experiences, longer and less demanding than
that of our parents, children or spouse - a source of solace and
strength during our periods of trial - and siblings are those with
which we most naturally share any of our small or large triumphs.
My essay was meant to try to shed some light on the situations that
may transform this bounty into a burden - and also to show that
we all live with the effects of sibling rivalry, even if we don’t have siblings - again, the only easy solution to some problems is to not let them get started in the first place -
Please let me know if you have any additional comments or questions.
With best regards,
William Antonio Boyle, Ph.D.
"Information is the negative of entropy." - Claude Shannon, 1948.
Date: Tue, 22 Oct 2002 16:55:32
All power is abuse of power.
-Steve
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 09:38:24
Hello Steve:
Thank you for your message.
Is all power abuse of power?
In some social or family situations, it may well seem that way.
But, how power is used depends on who has the power and how they use it - the simple and infantile way to use it (abuse) is to maintain this power through terror (i.e., if you don't obey me, I will cause terrible things to happen to you) - in the long run, this benefits no one.
Power without knowledge is dangerous, e.g., like a child with a gun or a stick of dynamite - or like a child without adequate responsible supervision.
Power without ethics is evil - it submerges the social or family group where this power is being used into a situation of escalating misery and pain - the only easy solution is to not let this kind of situation begin in the first place.
Every day brings each one of us large or small opportunities to choose to be like Cain - or to choose not.
(Logically, this also means that every day we need to be prepared for others to be like Cain towards us - or to try to seduce us to help them be like Cain).
Please read again what I have to say about abuse of power.
I hope this helps.
With my best wishes,
William Antonio Boyle, Ph.D.
Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 2001-08-01 00:08:55
Hello:
This is a very interesting essay - you certainly present some important ideas.
I am a law student, and I'd like your permission to publish parts of your essay in our student newspaper.
Thank you.
AXEL
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 00:32:47 -0400 (EDT)
Hello Axel:
Thank you for your message.
As long as you cite the source, you are certainly welcome to reprint parts of my essay (or the whole essay!) in your student newspaper.
I believe that the parts of my essay that would be of the most interest to law students are the one on "Abuse of power,"
and the ones on "What the community can do,"
on "The trascendental social importance of sibling
rivalry," as well as the one on "The human mental
structure," in which I am in essence simply restating Gunther Stent's model of the human mind (Gunther Stent is a scientist and structuralist philosopher).
I would be very interested in the opinions (if any) of your fellow students and instructors.
I also believe that the definition for "Abuse of power" that I present is an original one, although it owes much to Immanuel Kant's precept that any human being has a right to respect because innately and inalienably each one of us posseses "dignity," (i.e., infinite intrinsic value), and to the Jainist concept that the highest moral principle is "To not harm anyone" (Jainism is an ancient philosophical and religious tradition in India).
However, these concepts of Kant and of Jainism do not explain the propensity so many of us have to be disrespectful to, or to actually cause harm, to one another - this is where, I believe, my concept is of value as it proposes a mechanism or sequence for the origin of this propensity - and a mechanism implies possible ways to control and avoid these situations.
With my best wishes,
William Antonio Boyle, Ph.D.
----------------
"All human thought and communication is in terms of models, i.e., structural abstractions of reality.
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 2000 12:16:03 -0500
Dear Dr. Boyle:
I read with great interest your article on sibling rivalry and have
a few questions. The article seemed to reflect that sibling rivalry
begins when the children are very young and continues while the children
are growing up. My nieces (3 years apart, Josie is 26, and Melinda
is 29) were extremely close as children. They did everything together.
Then, when Melinda, the oldest, was about 16 she developed the normal teen
behavior of going out with their friends and dating which meant she wasn't
at home a lot. When Josie turned 16, my mother became
very ill and Josie joined in with the family (her mother and myself) to
take care of her. She helped caring for our mother until she died in
July of 1999. Melinda and Josie's father is an alcoholic. However, he did not abuse the girls in any way - except
perhaps verbally (sometimes calling them "idiots" and swearing a lot).
Luckily his job took him away from home most of the time. My sister divorced
him 2 years ago.
Since the time Melinda was 13-16, my nieces began to grow apart.
They didn't do things together and Melinda didn't want Josie hanging around
her and her friends. Melinda moved out when she was 19, married shortly
after that and had 2 children (2 girls, 3 years apart). It has gotten
to the point where Melinda will not make eye contact with Josie, and will
not even answer a simple question from Josie, like, "Would you
like some coffee?" Everyone in the family has seen this.
Melinda has approached her mother and myself, relating stories of things
that never happened the way she remembers them (according to Josie) accusing
Josie of all sorts of things. The story that comes up the most often
is that nobody loves her (this alternates between me, her mother, and Josie).
Melinda would come to me and say, "Mom doesn't love me." To her mom,
she'd say, "Aunt Marion doesn't love me."
But the situation always comes back to Josie. Melinda keeps saying
that Josie is not a "good" enough sister or aunt to her children, that
Josie got more things while growing up, that Josie never had to get a "real"
job, that the family "likes" Josie better - and so on.
Josie says she's tried talking to her sister about this several times
and it always culminates Melinda rehashing past history (again, things
that didn't happen the way she remembers them) and she avoids the topic
by running circles around it or hanging up the phone or walking away.
Josie says it gets so bad sometimes that she just wants to sit down
and cry. Josie says she has had to make it an artform, staying away
from Melinda, just so she can stay calm.
The family has bent over backwards to accommodate Melinda.
I was once very close to Melinda - BUT her attitude is if you don't
do as she wants when she wants it, then she puts you on her "list."
For many years Melinda has tried to play my sister (her mother) and
me against each other. About 2 years ago she called me to tell my
that her mother did not love her because she (her mom) would not
go to a 4th of July party at Melinda's in laws. Well, I finally
had or tried to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. She ended up
hanging up on me several times. I would not let it go and kept calling
her, finally I drove over to discuss it several days later and she acted
like it'd never happened.
I am VERY close to my niece Josie. The road that she, my sister
(12 years older than myself) and I have traveled has brought us closer.
For 10 years we were mother, caregiver, and friend to my mom, Josie's grandmother.
Melinda was never around! She doesn't like sick old people and appears
to be afraid of growing old! When my mom died July of '99, I asked
my sister, Frances, to call Melinda to see her grandma one last time. Melinda
seldom came to see her. Anyway, Melinda did come, and mom went very
peaceful, the room was full of love and adoration for a very sweet, gentle,
kind woman. She passed away with a smile on her face. Even
in her death she taught us a lesson of love and compassion that I shall
never forget. But did Melinda enter the group as we were hugging
and crying? No, she backed away.
Just to let you know, when the girls were little, it was Melinda that
was doted on by the whole family (she was the first grandchild on our side
of the family, and also on her father's side). Melinda was treated
like a little princess. She was very excited and wanted to hold and
help when Josie was born. But when Melinda hit those dreaded teenage
years (we've all been through them), then she wanted no part of the family.
She moved out and lived with Robert, her boyfriend, and decided to get
married. We all went to Vegas to see her get married (including our
mother who at the time was in the beginning of her illness. Thank
God my husband stayed at home with our son so I could take mom to Vegas).
Melinda would have felt we didn't "love" her if we didn't all go to Vegas.
She dropped the news that she was pregnant right after the ceremony
in the middle of the restaurant - in front of total strangers (her husband's
family already knew). Melinda'd had plenty of time to tell us but
didn't. We would NOT have "shunned" her. I would have told
her that she didn't have to get married to have this baby. We would
have helped and supported her in any way we could. But my sister
took it very hard (she kept it together and hugged Melinda, but we left
the restaurant immediately. In the end Melinda lost that baby and,
as she said to me when we got back, she HAD to get pregnant again to "prove"
that she was a woman (her words - NOT mine).
Both Melinda and her husband, Robert, feel that they need a baby BOY
for some reason. When she was pregnant with her second girl, they
were both upset that it wasn't a boy. Robert was at our home, and
in front of our then 10-year old son, said, "Well I guess you heard the
news, it's NOT a boy. My reply was as long as both the baby and Melinda
were healthy, then that's all that matters. Robert's next words were, "Well,
isn't that why you stopped?" I replied: "No!" Anyway, Melinda
and Robert feel unfulfilled by not having a son. She feels less than
a "woman" for not bearing a son! We as a family try and support both
of them as much as we can without compromising our own beliefs and relationships.
I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but Melinda feels not
loved by anyone unless you do as she asks, when she asks. "Prove
that you love me" by doing whatever she asks you to do. She has said
this on MANY occasions. We all support her and are there whenever
she needs us. But at times we all feel like doormats. I have
tried to talk to her and tell her how much she means to me and my own family.
She is constantly upset that Josie chose her own path, yes, very different
from Melinda's. I have tried to explain that not all people want
to get married and have children, that my husband and I waited 8 years
before we decided to start our own family. That just because people
don't always agree with her, that doesn't mean we don't love her.
Melinda has gone to therapy (I don't know if that means therapist or
a counselor at her church) and says she is "much better" now. In
a letter she wrote to her mother, Melinda says she's just coming to terms
with having an alcoholic father and realizing she has no self esteem and
feels she has no worth (that she's not interesting enough, has nothing
intelligent to say, etc), and what a horrible childhood she had.
Melinda also says she went into a deep depression after the birth of her
second girl, who now is three years old.
Anyway, Melinda and I are not very close anymore. I try calling
her, but it's as if I'm intruding. Her oldest daughter (6 years old)
is my Goddaughter - I try to see her as often as I can - when Melinda
will let me.
Do you have any advice on how to handle the situation when the rivalry
gets to this point? Holidays are a nightmare. Melinda ignores Josie
all the time, something I told my sister I find hard to tolerate in my
own home.
I've seen lots of books on sibling rivalry that deal with extremely
young children, but nothing about ADULT sibling rivalry and how Josie can
deal with this situation.
Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
-M.H.
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 10:31:36 -0400 (EDT)
Dear Ms. M.H.:
Thank you for your very informative message.
If what I think is happening is indeed the case, then there is relatively
little that your younger niece, Josie, can do directly to resolve the issue (except more or less accept the situation as it is),
if Melinda is not willing to change, as the problem appears to originate with Melinda and her behavior towards Josie.
HOWEVER
there is a LOT that YOU and your sister can do, if you two were the primary
caregivers to your nieces when they were little.
So, would you be willing to try what I suggest, and enlist the cooperation
of your sister?
After all, it is YOUR family, and if it succeeds, it will bring you
all closer and make you all stronger, both as individuals and as a family.
Remember, when a child of yours does something bad, you have to reject
and condemn the child's BEHAVIOR, but you should not stop loving that child
- And each of us, inside, keeps on being the child we once were, with that
child's endearing as well as irritating characteristics.
OK. What appears to be happening
is that Melinda is living again what she went through as a three-year old,
when Josie was born - being VERY afraid that the family was going to love
the new baby (Josie) more than they loved her. The little child inside Melinda
is very afraid of losing the special affection you and her mother have
for her - that you and her mother are going to love Josie more than you
love her - and that child is trying to do something about it. What
proves that it is the child inside her that is doing this, are the childish
behaviors Melinda has been manifesting (Being rude to her sister at family gatherings, telling stories about how "unworthy" her sister is, fishing for sympathy for herself, etc.).
The original situation appears to have been handled well - You say that
as children Melinda and Josie were friendly and close. Of course,
being three years older than Josie tended to make Melinda fairly confident
of her special status within the family.
The problem appears to have begun when the girls reached adolescence
- Melinda got married and began her own family, with its own problems and
stresses, and Josie matured and began having her own successes in life
(that rivaled or even surpassed Melinda's - for example, Josie's valuable help during your mother's long illness). You and her mother may
have begun praising Josie in front of Melinda - the results of this are
the situation that you have been living.
So, what can you do now?
Well, if you remember what kinds of things from you gave Melinda special
comfort when she was little (hugs, special words of affection, special
foods you made for her, other things) you can try to go out of your way
to give them to her now - and so should her mother or any other caregivers
she had then. You can also tell her (repeatedly) how special she
is to you, and how you'll never stop loving her.
You should not go out of you way to remark on her negative behaviors
toward her sister, but you should NOT accept them either, tell her that
you also love Josie and that you will not take that from her - as with
a small child, do show approval to Melinda when she shows affection for
her sister. Also, make it a point to praise Melinda in front of Josie
for Melinda's accomplishments (but make sure it doesn't sound false) - and
keep the praises for Josie in front of Melinda to a minimum.
The problem is that Melinda is afraid of being unimportant, and of being unloved. You (and the family) have to make it clear to Melinda (and to the little child inside Melinda) that you LOVE Melinda, and that Melinda is VERY important to all of you, well, because she's Melinda! - BUT that you also love and cherish Josie because she's JOSIE - and that you will not stand for ANYONE, not even Melinda, trying to take that away from her. That the family rejoices with each of Melinda's triumphs and accomplishments, and is there to share Melinda's problems and struggles, but that you are ALSO there to share JOSIE's accomplishments, as well as her struggles - that that's an integral part of what being a FAMILY is all about.
Also, you can bring Josie in on this so that she won't suddenly feel
left out - but you have to be careful about how you present it to her or
eventually to Melinda, so that you are not making them feel like they're
being manipulated, or giving them ammunition for later fights.
If this doesn't help the situation (or even if it does) the family may
want to consult with a therapist. But, make sure that it is not just
Melinda that goes to the therapist (even in the best of circumstances that
will not really solve the problem - it will just make Melinda feel better
- and maybe just for a while). To approach a REAL solution to the
problem ALL the family members involved in the situation should consult
with that therapist - it is a family problem, so it is the family that
should endeavor to discover and then solve the problem.
Also, it might be a good idea to make sure that ALL the family members
involved - as well the therapist, have read my little essay on "Sibling
Rivalry" - Reading it might make what I am suggesting that you do a little
easier to understand.
Also, if you have not previously read it, a book that may be of use
to you and your family in finding and selecting a therapist that may be of help to you
is Again, if you have not yet read it, I would also recommend that you
read By the way, I completely agree with you that the thought that somehow a BOY baby is less important or should in any way be cherished less than a GIRL baby is just as silly as the other way around.
However, some peoples' social environments and the way these environments have shaped their mental structures preclude them from perceiving even relatively simple concepts such as this one. And so, we have to waste much of our life energies addressing made-up problems such as these ones, instead of using our energies to solve the many REAL problems we face in our day-to-day lives.
Let me know if you have any further questions.
With my best wishes,
William Antonio Boyle, Ph.D.
Your support is appreciated!
From: William Boyle
To: Sarah
Subject: No siblings, no rivalry?
From: Steve
To: William Boyle
Subject: All power is abuse of power
From: William Boyle
To: Steve
Subject: Is all power abuse of power?
From: Axel
To: William Boyle
Subject: Aspects of legal interest.
From: William Boyle
To: Axel
Subject: Aspects of legal interest.
A model is not physical reality, but a good model can help us understand and utilize that aspect of reality." -WAB
From: M.H., Chicago, Illinois
To: William Boyle
Subject: My nieces' sibling rivalry
Chicago, IL
From: William Boyle
To: M.H., Chicago, Illinois
Subject: Nieces' sibling rivalry.
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck (See the "Afterword" of this really great book).
The Dark Side of Love; The Positive Role of Our Negative Feelings - Anger, Jealousy and Hate by Jane G. Goldberg.
Back
(Any amount is welcome!)
