THE SUBLIMINAL ESSENCE OF HALLOWEEN
As a young child in October on the frozen tundra of North Dakota, I never quite comprehended how Halloween managed to come about. While my naive kindergartenmates and peers striked nearby houses with a mischievous smile and a murmured "trick or treat," I would stand amidst the clutter of it all in a vain attempt to disrobe the darkest secrets of the supposedly darkest holiday.

So, finally, at the age of eighteen years and eight months (in Earth time), I came across an online introspect into what is known as Halloween. The following consists of my thoughts, compaints, and occasionally sarcastic undertones and opinions regarding what I admirably refer to as "Candyday."

Halloween originated 2000 years ago with the Celtic festival of Samhain. Celts believed that the boundary separating the world of the living and the world of the dead would become blurred on October 31st. As part of the festivities, they built bonfires where they made sacrifices to Celtic deities. During the festival, they'd wear costumes as a precaution to the supernatural so as to avoid being recognized by the ghosts that were believed to wander during Samhain. Smart breed, eh?
As if the blasted Irish couldn't be content with their one holiday (the infamous St. Patrick's Day); they had to go and rob us of another typically mundane day. The post office isn't even closed on Halloween. What's the hubbub?

Alas, let us dig deeper into Halloween's hidden secrets.
The Great Pumpkin is a crock (I'll never listen to Linus again). Yes, that's right: the Great Pumpkin doesn't exist. When I came across this fact, I nearly broke down and wept at my desk, because to me, the Great Pumpkin was so very much more than a myth or a legend... he was a holiday hero. He would visit all the good little pumpkin patches on Halloween Eve, leaving behind stashes of gold, silver, and candy for the intelligent ones upon us who knew of the Great Pumpkin's drop sites. He served not just as an ambiguous fruit, yet also as a symbol of relative good on a holiday when throwing keggers and orgies in the woods are considered "in." Plus, he's the only holiday figurehead that's edible.
Along with my acute realization of the lack of the Great Pumpkin, I became aware of several other astute facts surrounding Halloween. Take them in slowly, as you might not be able to handle the utmost solemnity of it all.

     -Scary neighbors thrive on Halloween. In my childhood years, I used to think that deaths by slashers, axe murderers, and serial something-or-anothers would all occur on Halloween. My unrealistic childhood theory of Halloween as the deadliest day of the year (partly fueled with my discernment of the annual candyfest) led to my eventual de-evaluation of Halloween as a whole, of which you are splendidly enjoying.
     -Most cavities are predestined on Halloween. This may come as a surprise, but it is true: kids' pearly whites can't handle all the sugar. Kids these days...
     -Halloween gives the people of in-between (a.k.a. teenagers) an invalid excuse to trash innocent families' homes, lawns, and motor vehicles with eggs, pumpkins, ketchup, shaving cream, bathroom tissue, and, in some cases, the kitchen sink, all the while declaring it ethically inbounds thanks to the celebration of Halloween.
     -Halloween gives old ladies an excuse to poison the little neighborhood children they so despise with seemingly irresistible candy apples; sweet and tasty, yet deathly delicious.

It is the latter Halloween observation of mine that troubles my soul and makes it difficult to sleep at night. I live in a mobile home park with an overabundance of elderly folk, and therefore am scared of Halloween.

For one, I have never trusted old people with my candy. Also, no one knows what elderly people actually do on Halloween, and that's why children should follow my example and be weary of gray-haired gobstopper-givers.

What do the elderly exactly do on Halloween? Do they gather in a secret cave to drink, smoke, gamble, and reminisce about "The War"? Do they hand out dentures instead of candy to poor, unsuspecting children? Do they hold ferociously competitive knitting tournaments? Do they really have retractable daggers in the tips of their canes that can be used to gut the young ones who foil their subliminally sinister pbjective of world conquest (by the elimination of young adults and the eventual phasing out of speed limits over 10 mph)?

The questions restlessly abound, but, deep down, I know I'm not the only one who thinks there's an alternate reason why Halloween is the country's second-largest commerical holiday. At least Santa Claus is real.
-Don't drink on Halloween... or ever, for that matter. Unless you want to end up like our pumpkin friend to the left. blah!