fanfiction by sienna

Infinitely Gentle
by Sienna

E-MAIL: sienna_tainted@email.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything.
RATING: NC-17
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Angel's POV. Set sometime in the future. I'm too lazy to bother with some generic explanation for the no curse issue. A sequel, of sorts, to Hallowed, though there is nothing that links them together. They just exist in the same verse.
LYRICS: from songs on Silverchair's amazing Diorama album, because I listened to it when I wrote most of this. The music itself doesn't necessarily fit the mood of the piece, but I loved the lyrics.
SPOILERS: Nothing specific, just the Connor thing and the Buffy/Spike thing. Believe what you want about Angel and Cordy. It's a big fucking joke to me.
SYNOPSIS: Fluffy smutty angst stuff -- in a nutshell.

I am moved by fancies that are curled
Around these images, and cling:
The notion of some infinitely gentle
Infinitely suffering thing.
-- Preludes, T.S. Eliot

--

I'm obsessed with your mouth.

My thoughts inevitably wander towards your mouth, several times a day, and it's one of those welcome distractions that I shamelessly partake in. I adore the way it curves smoothly into that tantalisingly innocent smile, and the way you press warm liquid kisses to my skin, my lips. You know exactly how to command my responses with your mouth alone, using your tongue...lips...teeth...

The room is hidden in darkness except for the warm, yellow glow of two votive candles, both seeping melted wax onto the veneer of our bedside tables. Our bedroom is imbued with the scent sandalwood, and us.

// I fell tired, asleep in a golden ocean //

Your eyes are closed now, your nose almost touching mine on the pillow -- you love sleeping on my side of the bed -- and I fight the urge to attack while you're vulnerable. Instead, I lean over you to kiss your forehead, trailing my lips slowly, softly down your temple to linger on a smooth cheekbone. You murmur appreciatively and I smile, kissing the side of your nose, your upper lip, then the bottom. You haven't opened your eyes yet and I'm unable to discern whether you're awake or drifting. Smiling, I press small kisses along your chin, rubbing my lips softly against your skin, the sharp curve of your jaw line, flicking my tongue out to taste you.

Sweet. Salty.

There was a long time when I couldn't touch you the way I wanted, when you were beyond my reach, yet temptingly near.

At that thought, I pull your leg over my hip and turn easily so that I'm on top of you, dipping my head to catch a warm nipple between my lips. You shift your hips beneath mine, squirming deliciously, before pulling me up to wrap your arms around my neck.

You press your mouth to mine in that lazy, devouring way I love, then pull back before I can fully enjoy it.

"Not again," you mumble sleepily, your beautiful eyes peering through half-closed eyelids.

I nibble your bottom lip. "Yes, again," I say, as if we haven't already made wonderful, passionate love five times already today.

You pull me down onto you fully, even though I'm probably crushing you, and snuggle into me like I'm a warm blanket. I can't say I mind at all.

"Too tired," you murmur, rubbing your hand along the length of my bare back with a soft sigh.

I shiver and smile. "No, you're not."

You mock-glare at me, and I can tell you're completely awake now. "Am too."

"Are not."

"Am too."

After a moment, I chuckle at the absurdity of our argument. The idea that one of us might actually pass up the opportunity to engage in any number of sexual acts with the other is comical.

It's true. We put bunnies to shame.

"You do know what we're talking about, don't you?" I ask, grinning.

A smile tugs the corner of your lips. "I love that we can talk about it."

"About what?" I tease, nuzzling your ear. My body quickly reminds me who I happen to be pressed so intimately against and I glide my erection along your heat, feeling slivers of pleasure shoot up my spine as I deny the both of us for the moment. Not yet, but soon.

You croon in response, sliding smooth legs up my sides, cradling my hips. "Sex," you say breathlessly, and I almost forget the question. You place a line of wet kisses from my collarbone to my ear, whispering huskily, "I love it when you're inside me." A caress along my throat and I'm aching. "I love that I can love you."

I can't keep my hands -- mouth and eyes and mind -- off you, and let my fingers travel across your skin greedily. I'm allowed to touch you now, and it's all I ever want to do.

I need to assure myself that you're real. That you're mine for always.

I guess I have Willow to thank. She called to tell me that you were in trouble, her voice thick with tears and worry, and those were the only words needed before I was down the stairs in an instant, forgetting my jacket and forgetting Connor and forgetting Cordelia. I was back inside a second later and saw the confusion on Cordy's face at my sudden hastiness and simply said, "Buffy," as a way of explanation, because you were always a reason, my entire reason. I kissed my son, his little hands curled around his little feet, and left them.

I knew exactly where to find you, like I always did, and the familiar feeling was nothing short of amazing. It's only when I've been without you that I appreciate you even more, and even now, I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that you are It. You are my everything, you are the reason I exist. The surge of love I felt for you the second I saw you curled up against a headstone nearly overwhelmed me, so much so that I realised I had almost forgotten what it was like, and how deeply I could fall.

You're so beautiful even when you're suffering. I saw you alone, and I felt your pain, but you remained so heartbreakingly beautiful and delicate, like the finest glass.

// Old incisions refusing to stay like the sun through the trees on a cloudy day //

I could smell Spike on you but I fought to deny it because that way led to rage and madness, and suddenly you lifted your head from your knees and looked up at me with those sad hazel eyes.

You were *real*. Everything in my life had been passing by in a blur, too fleeting and removed for me to grasp, even, to some extent, Connor. But I looked at you and everything was still and absolute. You were so clear to me; my unfailing constant. It was the ultimate truth -- I would always love you, no matter what. I didn't need to know anything else.

I had felt it for what seemed like forever, as I knew no other way, but never truly knew what it meant until that moment. It was what it came down to in the end, when everything else was peeled away and we were left bare. I could hide behind the demon, or my cause, or my friends, but it was futile because you *knew* me like no one else ever would and I could never fool you as much as I could myself.

// False light and ashes blooming like winter //

We stared at each other for long moments, your details already imprinted in my memory -- your hair was longer and a little darker, your full mouth so sorrowful, like you had never smiled. There was something pitiless and dark inside you, something I recognised.

Hopelessness.

And just as you had brought me back from the brink so many times before, I would save you right back, even if my soul was the price. I owed you everything, and I couldn't lose you again.

You stood slowly, your eyes never leaving mine as you pressed your back against the tombstone, and I walked towards you tentatively. When we were less than a foot apart, I took your hand in mine and gazed at it, feeling its familiar warmth and weight. You have delicate, slender fingers, it's hard to believe that they can yield such power. You watched me silently, heart beating rapidly, as I brought your hand to my lips.

"What's wrong?" I asked sombrely, unable to not touch you, just like the last time, when I found out you were alive and I was so overwhelmed with joy that it was only fear that tethered my soul.

Your eyes filled with tears, shimmering in the moonlight. "Please don't."

You didn't pull away, though, and I knew that part of you wanted help -- needed it -- so I didn't pull away either.

"Buffy..." I said softly, stroking the back of your hand absently, soothing myself with this small part of you and trying not to remember how you felt everywhere else. Three years is nothing in my lifetime, and three years isn't nearly enough to forget you.

// But I've waited for you so I'll keep crying out without you //

You watched me for a long moment, before looking away at something behind me. "I know you don't love me anymore," you said quietly, softly, as if accepting a certain fate.

I stiffened, suddenly terrified. It scared me that you believed it so wholeheartedly, because that ultimate truth I felt was nothing but a lie to you.

"I do," I said fervently, caressing your cheek with my thumb. "I loved you the day I saw you and I love you more now."

You begun to cry as you shook your head and I wrapped my arms around you, touching my forehead to yours. You resisted, pushing against my chest, but I held you tightly and refused to let you go.

"Tell me," I said roughly. "Tell me how I couldn't love you."

"I'm not me," you said, closing your eyes as a sob escaped your throat, your voice filled with anguish. "I don't know who I am anymore. I don't--"

"You're still the same woman I fell in love with," I said, cutting off your painful words. "You're still the one I think about every day."

"It's just...it's just so *hard*," you said, choking on the words. "It's so hard to pretend I'm not empty inside." I felt something tighten in my chest and you wrapped your arms around my neck, as if I were anchoring you. It felt like it -- it felt like if I let you go I would lose you all over again.

// Take the world upon your shoulders and burn, burn, burn, burn, burn //

We sank down into the soft grass together and I held you for a long time, until your tears subsided and you were quiet in my arms. I kissed your ear as you pressed your face against my neck.

"We have to talk," I said after a while, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do and holding you silently like this brought contentment I hadn't felt in a long time. Being with Connor has the same effect on me, but there is still a world of difference.

You nodded, so we talked. I told you about Darla and Connor, and it was a relief to finally share it with you. I knew you were hurt, just as I would be if it had been the other way, but you accepted it gracefully with only a glimmer of fresh tears in your eyes.

You told me about Spike. You didn't look me in the eye the entire time, and I don't think I had ever been so violently jealous in my entire existence. I wanted to rend his limbs from his body and leave him to bleed as the sun rose. He had taken something from me I thought he couldn't touch -- he had taken *you*-- and it wounded me more than a thousand Rileys ever could because a filthy demon was allowed to touch you and I wasn't.

I realised, then, that you had probably thought the same thing when I told you about Darla. And I had been blessed with a son from a union borne out of despair.

You looked so guilty, so ashamed, and I only felt marginally better when you told me you felt nothing for him. It made me feel like I had wasted the last three years without you, because anything was better than leaving you to this.

You began to whisper broken apologies and I stopped you. I couldn't hear them. I didn't feel as if you owed me anything, because you didn't. I made the choices that led us to this point; I moved to Los Angeles, I turned back our perfect day and I had left you whenever you wanted me to stay.

It still hurt, though, more than I had ever thought possible.

// Blind the deafened moon, stimulate the tombs of angels //

When night began to wane, you clutched my hand tightly in yours and we climbed through your bedroom window. It made me long to go back to the old days, when the only thing I had to worry about was keeping my passion for you under control. Now there's so much more.

You closed the thick curtains, making sure sunlight couldn't slip through unseen gaps. I could tell you were exhausted and we laid down on top of the bed covers, your slight weight sprawled over mine. I didn't sleep that day, my blood buzzing from having you so close, your body's residual heat warming my own. I watched the yellow strands of your hair slip through my fingers absently, your breathing steady and even in my ear. I watched you awaken at almost noon, your eyes opening slowly and reluctantly. When I kissed your forehead, you tensed and looked at me for a long moment, as if you expected me to disappear.

// I'll open my heart won't fall apart //

"You're still here," you whispered, raising off my chest slightly.

I stroked the length of your back with soothing caresses. "I'm still here." It seemed miraculous to me, as well.

"How long...?" you asked, and I could sense that you almost added 'this time'.

"I have to go back at sunset," I said regretfully. "Connor...he needs me."

Your eyes betrayed your disappointment but you nodded with understanding. "I'm...I'm happy for you. That you have him."

I touched your cheek and we didn't speak for a long moment, gazing into each other's eyes. "I miss you," I said, my voice suddenly rough.

You traced my lips with a finger, as if you were lost in a memory. Your irises were almost green, your pupils dilated. Then you leaned down and gave me the softest kiss I had ever felt, your mouth moving gently against mine, back and forth. As you pulled away, I captured your lips once more, not wanting to give them up before I had my fill. A small sound escaped your throat, like a whimper, and it ignited a long-dormant fire in my veins. I rolled us over so that you were underneath me and explored your mouth, my tongue delving between your lips to slide against yours.

I think we kissed like that for the better part of an hour, until you were too tempting and I forced myself to stop, sinking beside you on the bed with an arm around your waist. You were panting, your hands constantly moving, following the lines of my arms and back before tangling in my hair.

"Shh," I soothed, holding you close and pressing a kiss to your brow.

"I love you," you said breathlessly, your lips swollen, and it took every ounce of self-control not to take you right then.

I hugged you tightly. "Please don't ever doubt that I love you," I whispered urgently into your hair.

// You'll be whole again and I'll be whole again //

To distract ourselves, we talked some more. About everything. I didn't believe that you had come back much differently, if your soul revealed anything to me. I still felt you inside me and all around me, like I always did. When I looked at you I still felt that sense of belonging. Nothing about you had really changed, not the parts that mattered to me the most.

When I drove out of Sunnydale that evening, you were sitting beside me, your hand tucked warmly in mine the entire way. We reached LA and I could hear Connor crying before I opened the doors to the Hyperion, and we found Cordy trying to quiet him with little success.

You held him and it was love at first sight, both ways. I watched you with him and felt complete, like everything had come together for this perfect moment. You held him the whole night, your eyes filled with awe and affection, so that I even began to feel left out. But it was all worth it, to see the enamoured expression on your face and the innocent happiness on his.

He was quiet with you, and he'd always watch you with wide, serious eyes, as if entranced. Even when you entered the room, he would turn his head instinctively and make it known that he wanted you and only you. I guess it isn't surprising that you have the same effect on us.

So that's the way it was. We began to see each other maybe once a month, until once a month became once a fortnight, and once a fortnight became at least once a week.

You grin at me lazily and run a hand over my chest. "Are you flashbacking?"

I've been caught. "Maybe."

I try to distract you by pressing nipping kisses to your neck. You pull my head up with a little laugh.

"You remember New Years?" you ask wickedly.

I smile broadly. How could I forget? I think we greeted the beginning of a new year the best way we knew how -- naked and shouting our pleasure on the roof of the hotel.

"I remember everything," I said with a grin, moving down your body slightly to press kisses along your breastbone before teasing a nipple into hardness with my tongue. You moan, stretching and arching beneath me. You are so sensitive here, and I can smell your arousal as it floods your heated core.

You pull me up by the shoulders for a searing kiss, your mouth melding hungrily with mine. You lift your hips and suddenly I'm sliding into your tight, wet heat until I'm seated completely inside you, your strong inner muscles threatening to snatch away my well-practised control. You let out a keening whimper and I growl at the sound, wrapping an arm around your waist to press your pelvis harder into mine. I don't move for a moment, wanting to savour these feelings, and you wrap your legs around my waist.

// You're my favourite thing and I feel like letting go... //

God, I love you so much. When it's just the both of us, like this, and you're holding me like it would hurt to let go, I can pretend that we're the only two people in the world, where nothing matters outside this room. There is only this perfect union and the unsurpassed joy that swells in my soul from blending everything that is you and everything that is me.

"Do you think the others would object if we stayed like this forever?" you whisper, your warm breath puffing over my lips.

I bury my face in your neck with a low moan, pulling my hips back until only the tip of my cock is inside you before pushing in deeply once more. I do it again and again until you're panting, clutching at my back as I move into you forcefully. Your inner muscles begin to tighten impossibly around me and I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling like I would burst with every thrust. I've made love to you a thousand times but it still isn't enough, it will never be enough. I'm addicted to every quiver, every moan and every nuance of pleasure. You clamp down on my sex and the friction is incredible as I pound into you, your passionate moans becoming ecstatic wails as rapture overtakes you and you stiffen, every muscle tensing as you buck and throb around me.

I slow to a stop, unable to take my eyes from your flushed face as you try to catch your breath, your eyes fluttering open to meet mine. I'm still hard and aching inside you and you shift your hips, your sex holding mine in a vice-like grip. Pressing my mouth to yours, I reach down between us and fondle your swollen clit, swallowing your cries. A moment later, you're pulsating around me once more, squeezing my cock in the most delectable way.

I still remember the day the curse became permanent like it had happened yesterday. Five full days were spent much in the same fashion as today, a lovingly lascivious exploration of coveted flesh, rediscovering each other with relish. I spent most of it between your lovely thighs, buried deeply in your core, evoking every possible pleasurable sensation that I could until we could stay awake no longer. I had this thought that I could lose you at any moment, like it would end the same way our perfect day ended, because it was too good to last.

But it's a year later, and I'm still making love to you.

You twine your arms around my neck, pressing sipping kisses to my shoulder and collarbone. "You feel so good...so good inside me," you say in that husky voice I love, laced with sex and satisfaction.

I haul you upright so that I'm kneeling on the bed and you're straddling me, groaning when I feel myself shift inside you. Every cell in my body is screaming for me to move, but I hold back, not wanting it to end just yet. You release a trembling breath, pressing your face against mine. I palm your heavy breasts, rolling my thumbs over your rosy nipples so that your head falls back, leaving your neck open to assault. I smile, kissing your throat with wet lips, and entertain the thought of sinking my teeth into your flesh, knowing from experience that it will bring you to a shattering climax before I even move within you.

You seize my lips fiercely, as if reading my thoughts, and slip your supple tongue into my mouth to duel with mine. Your hips begin to move in slow, grinding circles, your clit rubbing against the base of my cock, and you break the kiss, panting as pleasure builds inside you once more. I bite my lip as your sex ripples around me, resisting the urge to throw you onto your back and pound into you until I spill into your hot, sweet depths.

You lift off my lap slightly then drop back down, establishing a slow, even rhythm that is designed to drive me insane. There's a smirk on your lips, like you know exactly what you're doing and moreover, the effect you're having on me. Your nipples brush against my chest as you slide up and down on my erection, an arm slung around my neck, the other travelling down your body to rub against your clit. Our lips brush as we stare at each other, your eyes glazed with desire, and I lick your lips when your wetness envelops me once more.

You're moving faster now, harder, frantically chasing your release as amorous cries issue from your throat, and it's too much sensory overload, it feels so damn good and my control snaps in an instant. I bend over you and you lean back trustingly in my arms, never missing a beat as I begin to thrust in time with you so that our hips are slamming together with exquisite violence. You grip my back to hold on and we ride each other hard, incoherent and moaning, and I'm aware that my face has shifted but I can't seem to harness the demon within me.

I angle your hips differently so that I slide into you more deeply and you arch your back, nipples thrusting into the air. I lave a path between your breasts, biting a hard nipple so that you jerk and whimper. Plunging between your thighs, I pull you onto my cock harder, desperate to drive deeper, so deeply we can never be separated.

"Angel, oh god Angel...right there RIGHT THERE!"

Every muscle in your body contracts as you climax and you're screaming as I pound into you frenziedly, your sex clenching so tightly I'm over the edge right after you, exploding into your heat with a harsh growl. My hips buck against yours as I spill into you several times, slipping my fangs into your throat and feeling a shot of pure euphoria rush through my system as you orgasm from my bite, another climax building on the first. I savour your rich, powerful blood as it slides down my throat and lick the wound, my mind deserting me as I try to come down from that incredible high.

I let my eyes slide shut and lean my forehead against your shoulder, your skin feverishly hot, your inner muscles still throbbing around me deliciously. Your little hands are tracing my spine and smoothing over my back, relaxing me further until that I feel utterly boneless.

I collapse backwards onto the bed and you land on top of me hard, our forms still intimately joined. You laugh breathlessly as I wince, my muscles tired and aching. My body is humming with satiation and I'm exhausted, wanting to curl up with you and fall asleep in your arms.

You rest your head on my shoulder and I stroke your hair, inhaling your scent. You smell like perspiration and arousal and me, with the added aroma of Slayer blood. The perfect blend. You're still caressing my skin, tracing my nipple with a fingertip, and all I feel is flawless contentment.

"I'll never get tired of doing that," you sigh, closing your eyes. I murmur in full agreement, the only response I have the energy to give.

"Love you," I mumble, feeling as if my eyelids are being dragged down by an invisible force. Sleep Demon. Or mind-blowing sex.

"I love you. Just...need to...sleep first," you slur tiredly, entwining yourself around me so that you're the warm blanket this time.

I love that I can go to sleep and know you'll be there when I open my eyes, gratified by the knowledge that you've been in my arms for all the minutes in between. These are the moments when I know I will never, ever be happier than this.

And as blissfully worn out as I am right now, I'm ready to do it all over again tomorr-- Zzzzzz.

end <g>

<-- fiction

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