Voice from the crowd: "YOu mean firemen don't ya buddy?
That's what I said fiermen.
"F-i-r-e-m-e-n."
That's what I said
Fiermen.
"Alright-alright-I give up. By the way whose the guy in the picture?
Me on my worst day. Make my worst day, say something mean about fiermen. If you dare too.
"Ah, no, I don't think so. Thanks anyway, but um, I have a story to tell about fiermen (dang, now he's got me doing it. Sorry, I mean to say I have a story to tell about um--clear throat---firemen. Want to hear it?"
No, I dun't wanna hear it, but I suppose your going to tell it anyway.
"you bet your sweet firemans booties I am,"
Go on, tell ya story, I'm listning, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Short fat bald headed dude always wondered what fire fighters do on a Saturday night from the time he was a little boy. He never had the courage to ask them. He is now in his mid forties and has mustered enough courage to go and ask them.
Standing at the bay door, he taps gently, puts his ear to the door, doesn't hear anyone coming. He knocks a tad harder, listens again, still doesn't hear anything. He goes and bangs on the door a little harder and about the time he does, the fire alarm buzzer goes off. You know that loud BUrr-ee-Bur-ee. He hears the sound of feet. Sounds like a herd of buffalo coming. He smiles and thinks to himself, "Finaly someone is coming to answer the door."
The bay door opens and you hear shorty say,"Ah excuse me, I don't feel to well. I'm just going over here for a moment."
Shorty cracks his neck, pulls on one arm and then the other, after all techniqaly he should be dead, but survives the engine running over him. Shorty mumbles as he sits to wait for them all to return, "Dang fireman will do anything to get out of this one. Even speeding through town and not stopping at stop signs. Don't they know the rules of the road yet and where are the cops when you need one. They should have pulled those guys over and gave them a ticket. For land sakes who do they think they are anyway. An ordianry citizen like me would be stopped in a heartbeat if I sped through town like that and didn't stop at the stop sign. Geez. They got to come back some time though, so I'll wait here on the bench until they get back. That's what I do."
Sitting on the bench, waiting patiently, chewing on his fingernails and bouncing his knees, he almost falls asleep, when his eyes caught sight of the engine returning to quarters. Shorty begins to wave and shout. Firefighters don't see him. The bay doors open, they park the engine and shorty makes a dive for the door, just before it closes.
Walking around the station for about ten minutes one of the firemen see him and asks the question, "Hey, whose the short, fat, bald headed dude?"
Second fireman shruggs his shoulder and replies, "I don't know, must be a new recruit."
"Cool," the first firefighter answers and then shouts, "Hey, I'm hungary. whose turn is it to cook?"
"I cooked breakfast, you cooked lunch so I guess it's the new recruits turn to cook," replied the second fireman.
The first fireman rubs his hands together and grins as he shouts,"Hey, short fat bald headed dude, we're hungary. Go cook us something to eat."
The short fat bald headed dude looks around and asks the question,"Who me?"
"Your the only short fat bald headed dude in this place. Go cook us something to eat," the first firefighter replies.
"That's womans work," the short fat bald headed dude replied.
Firefighter one replies, "Your talking about the dark ages, Men does cooking today."
"But um I, I,I,I--aye yei,aye," he replied in protest as the two fire fighters tug and pull on him.
They drag him into the kitchen and yell at him, "Cook us something to eat. The pots and pans are in that cabinet, spices are in that cabinet and the meat is in the refridgerator."
Still protesting, the two fire fighters leave the kitchen, leaving dude to cook their dinner. Dude scratches his head and says underneath his breath, "Did firemen ever here of fast foods. Call a pizza place, for pete sake."
"Can't, we're all broke," firefighter one yells back.
"Maybe short fat bald headed dude can afford to buy a pizza," the second fireman says to firefighter one.
"Nah, let him cook. It won't kill him," firefighter one yells back at fire fighter two.
Firefighter one says," Smoke detectors going off, short fat bald headed dude must have burned our dinner."
They rush into the kitchen to find shorty with a smoking pan in his hand, carring it over to the sink. Has the situation well under controll. Firefighters quickly open the back door to air out the station just as shorty says to them,"Dinners ready."
Firefighters sit down at the table and look over at shorty and says to him,"We're ready bring it on."
"Bring what on?" shorty asks them.
"Our dinner of course," firefighter one tells him.
As Shorty brings the pot over to the table, firefighter two asks him,"Aren't you going to set the table first."
" what do I look like to you guys? A waitress?" Shorty asks them.
"Just set the table so we can dig in," firefighter one told him.
Shorty mumbles to himself, "Boy, talk about lazy. These fire fighters are getting lazier by the day so it seems."
He sets the table. Now the firefighters get a good look at what they are about to eat and neither one of them want to try it, but to keep from hurting shortys feelings they dig in. After they eat they pat shorty on the back and say to him,"That wasn't the best meal we've had, but, you did good."
"Yeah, you did," firefighter two tells him.
Shortys feeling pretty good and pretty proud of himself until firefighter one shoves a broom in one hand and a mop in the other. Shorty asks the question, "What is this?"
"A mop and a broom," firefighter two tells him.
"What am I suppossed to do with it?" he asks them.
"Start cleaning the kitchen," firefighter one tells him.
"What?" shorty asks and then says,"That's womans work."
Firefighter one replies as he shakes his head, "We've all had to do it at one time or another and we're not a woman."
Shorty begins to sweep and mop the floor angrily as he mutters, "Can't these fire men afford a maid?"
"I heard that and sorry, the budget won't allow for a maid. We have to do all the cleaning ourselves," firefighter one tells him.
"Then why aren't you doing any cleaning?" shorty asks him.
"I've got to go and write a letter to my mom. She's been ill," firefighter two tells him.
"Ah yeah and I've got to go and help him," firefighter one adds.
They both leave shorty alone to do the cleaning. Shorty cleans up the kitchen and once he's finished, he puts the broom and mop away. Empties the mop bucket and wipes the counter down one more time before leaving the kitchen. As he enters the living room, he sees fire fighter one, stand up and hears him say," That was a good movie. What time is it?"
Fire fighter two replies," It's that time. I'm heading for the sac."
"It's that late?" fire fighter one asks.
"Yep," firefighter one replies and then says to shorty as he sees him entering the room," Hey, short fat bald headed dude, sleeping quarters are this way."
Shorty replies," It's only nine O'lcock."
"We have rules around here, shorty and one of those rules is, everyone in bed by nine O'clock and lights out."
Shorty mumbles, " But the news is coming on."
"Sorry," firefighter one replies as they pull and tug on shorty.
Under strong protest the firefighters managed to get shorty to the sleeping quarters, and get him tucked in a bunk bed. Firefighters lay down to go to sleep, last man who turned in, turned the lights out. Shorty lays on his back staring at the ceiling for a while and then begins to toss and turn.
"New recruit. You know the short fat bald headed guy," firefighter two replies.
"Oh, for petes sake," firefighter one says shaking his head and then says, "Let's go get him."
The two firemen send the others out and the two went to get shorty. They tug and pull on shorty yelling at him,"Come on man, it's time to roll."
Shorty has no idea as to what's going on and with reluctance he gets out of bed, gets dressed and grabs the fire gear that the fire fighters have for him. As they get to the bay and ready to climb aboard the big rig, the other fire men come back to the station. One of them yelling," False alarm."
The two fire fighters and shorty return to sleeping quarters. Firemen went to sleep and shorty's once again wide awake. Four in the morning shorty drifted off to sleep. Six O'clock in the morning fire fighter one is tugging at him and shouting,"Rise and shine. Almost time to go home. Shift change happens in one hour."
With sleep in his eyes shorty asks," Huh, what?"
"Time to go home, man," firefighter one tells him.
Shorty gets out of bed, wipes the sleep from his eyes and is lost and confused. All he wanted to do was to find out what firefighters did on a Saturday night and it was even Saturday yet and they were telling him it was time to go home. He put up a fuss and a fight, but firefighter one and firefighter two, managed to get him on his feet and dressed. Managed to get him into the meeting room.
As they entered the meeting room the fire chief is looking at him with squinting eyes and asks firefighter one,"Whose the short fat bald headed dude?"
"Our new recruit," replied firefighter one.
"We don't have a new recruit and aren't sceduled to get a new recruit," the chief answered him with a look of confusion on his face and then he said,"That dude doesn't belong here, get him out of here, will ya?"
Firefighter one and firefighter two grabbed him, dragged him to the front door and tossed him out onto the street. Dude was yelling,"What'd I do, what'd I do?"
"Chief says you can't be here," firefighter one told him.
"But, but," shorty starts to protest.
"Sorry, you can't be here,"Firefighter two replied shaking his head.
Noticing the sad look on shortys face, firefighter one tells him,"If you want to be here that bad, come in and fill out an application."
Shorty agrees. He goes back in and gets an application. He looks at the application and sees, name, address, phone number, social security number. He looks up from the application and yells,"What? Boy you fire fighters are sure nosey people, aren't you?"
"There's a meeting going on, mind holding it down," he hears someone yell.
"Alright, they want to be nosey," shorty replies quietly and as he takes his pen in hand he says, name, name, name. Puden-n-tane sounds good to me. Address, address, address--What's the address of this place again. Oh yeah, Barker and Howard Streets. Phone number, phone number,phone number. Oh I know--911. Social security number."
He thought real hard for a moment and then snapped his fingers before putting down 911-1191-911. He finished filling out the application and turned it in. He starts to leave, but the fire fighter who he turned the application in told him not to. To wait a few minutes and that the chief would interview him. So shorty sat down and waited.
Firefighter one sticks his head into the chiefs office and says,"Today isn't april fools and no one is trying to be a wise guy. Your looking at the short fat bald headed dudes application."
Chief takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before saying,"Send him into my office."
Firefighter one goes and gets shorty, brings him back to the chiefs office and after leaving, the chief holds a conversation with the chief. After an hour the chief decides that he really likes this short fat bald headed dude and decides to give him a break. Tells him he has a chance to go take a physical and a mental exam.
Of course shorty had problems with the physical and mental parts of the exam, but, everyone liked him so they gave him a break and passed him through. He was given a uniform and fire gear.
First few nights Shorty was happy although disgruntled about having to do this and to do that. He did not understand that he was on his way of being a full pledged fire fighter, until the big fire alarm went off and they were on a scene of a full pledged fire.
"Hey, short fat bald headed dude, get up on the roof and start ventilating,"the first fire fighter told him.
"Who, what?" shorty asked.
"Go on the roof and start ventilating the roof," the second fire fighter told him and then said,"Your working with me. Grab an axe."
Shorty grabbed an axe and yelled,"These things are dangerous. You could kill someone with this."
Firefighter two took the axe away from him and told him,"Follow me to the roof."
Under strong protest, they both climbed the ladder to the roof and firefighter two began to chop up the roof with the axe. Short, fat, bald headed dude began to do the same. Once the fire was out and they came down from the roof, fire fighter two told him,"Good job. No one got killed with the axe."
Short, fat, bald headed dude was feeling pretty proud of himself until fire fighter one yelled at him,"Time to clean up. Help firefighter two roll up the hose."
"Help do what?" short fat bald headed dude replied.
"Come on," firefighter two told him.
Shorty followed fire fighter two and they began to roll up the hose. Of course shorty almost rolled himself up with the hose,but hey, he managed to help get the job done. They gathered all the equipment put it back on the truck and returned to quarters.
Later on that night the firefighters looked at shorty with questioning eyes. He didn't have his uniform on and had it folded up laying in his hands. Firefighter one told Shorty," Your out of Uniform."
"It's time for me to go home,"Shorty told him.
"Are you leaving us?" firefighter two asked him with a look of shock on his face.
"Yeah, I am," shorty answered him.
"How come?"firefighter one asked him with a puzzled look on his face.
"My question was answered," shorty told him.
"What question was that? firefighter one asked him.
"What fire fighters do on a Saturday Night?," shorty replied and then said,"I found out what you all do on a Saturday night."
They put up with short, fat, bald headed dudes who ask the question what do firefighters do on a Saturday night.
Ever wonder what firemen do on their vaccation?
well, No need to wonder anymore. I have all the answers.
Firemen go fishing on their vaccation days.
Firemen one: You got any threes?
Firemen two:Go fish.
Firemen go to hawaii.
Fireman one: Yeah right, only in your dreams,
OK, So I lied.
paint their ceilings bright yellow, a murial on their walls of blue seas, Ocean sands and hula dancers on the beach.Hey firemen you look real good in that hula skirt. Wish I had one.
Firemen go visit their inlaws on vaccation time or face this:
Law Judge: A thousand dollar a month alimony.
Fireman: But Judge I don't make that much a month, budget cuts you know.
Firemen play hookey on their vaccation time.
Ah excuse me, but they can't play hookey on their vaccation time.
They can if they are married.
That is if they don't mind visiting that law judge.
Hey, Mr. Fireman, you can get off my shoulders now that the lightbulb is screwed in.
I told you, I ain't no dang plant, stop watering me. That's what happens when you support a fireman on the outside of the house.
My mentality has something to do with this you know. So have a heart,
Go on, I know you want to. Go on.
Support your local fire department better still support mine. They put up with me.
No, I'm not a firefighter, I'm their local mental case. Ah, I mean, I'm their neighbor.Of course they want to move me. Where I don't know,but I think the ambulance just pulled up in front. Got to go now. Bye.
Smile and then shoot me.
News Flash
News flash:
Over a million fire fighters walked off on their jobs today, leaving civilians to serve and protect them. When asked why. the spokesman replied: Just because we felt like it.
Crash on interstate 90, five car pile up. Civillians on the scene. In the tense scene one civillian asked the question "Hey, how do you use these things. I saw the firemen using it, but don't recall how they used them."
He was speaking of the jaws of life.
Civillian then exclaimed, "Anyone got any super glue. Sorry, buddy, we'll have your head attached to your shoulders in one minute. You'll be just fine
Whole town wiped out as civillians tried to put out a trash fire. Heard civillian say, "How do you open this dang hydrant anyway?"
Well you don't open it by banging on it with a hammer. As the civillian was banging on the hydrant, the trash fire spread to a nearby car, car in turn exploded and set off a chain reaction.
Neighboring civillians were called in to give mutual aid, but unfortunately none of them knew what to do either. When asked about the situation Spokes civillian replied, "Got the situation under control. A piece of cake. No problem.
City officials today beg firefighters to come back to work. Negotiating contracts. A thousand dollars an hour, no problem. Paid vaccations, no problem as a matter of fact you can have a months paid vaccation. Take a year paid vaccation for all we care, Just come back to work please and let the civillians go home. Benefits, all the benefits you want. Just come back to work, please.
You bet your sweet fire fighter booties they do. Examples:
I have plenty of them.
and no money to order out because of dang budget cuts.
Give us some idea on what to do about them instead.
Ideas, you bet, have plenty of them.
Bake sales are good fund raisers. Everyone loves cookies.
Someone want to call a paramedic?
had one to many chocolate chip cookies did we?
Yes we -----B-L-U-BLU
Sorry about that. Have it cleaned up in one minute.
Petitions are another good way to gain what you ask for:
Could someone move the stack of petitions? We can hear the congressman speaking, but we can't see his face.
Send the short fat bald headed dude to speak before congress. He'll have them so confused they won't know what bill they are signing. Just make sure you sneak the one you want signed in front of the congressman.
Strikes are good and when the civillians are done protecting the city, you won't have to worry about budget cuts.
Start charging civilians admission at the scene of accidents and at the scene of a fire.
Hey they charge us to see football games, baseball games, basketball games and those are live action events.