Jokeroom

Only in America.... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A woman walks into a bar with a newt on her shoulder. The barman says "You've got a newt on your shoulder, love. What do you call him?" The lady replies "His name is tiny" The barman replies "Why Tiny?" The woman replies "Because he is mynewt".

ONLY IN AMERICA

10 things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk!

A bear goes into a bar and says, a pint of................. lager please, the barman says, "What's with the big pause?"

Thanks for visiting, you are visitor number

The River...
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Plane

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! I left the top off the Tipex. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for weight resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who exercise?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaff in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

The Parrot

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

A sandwich goes into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of Guinness, please" the barman says "sorry, we don't serve sandwiches".

Nice One!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Enjoy these jokes...and remember:"A cheerful heart is good medicine..." (Proverbs 17:22)

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