| Ditch Rivalry |
| The Bronze Cat |
| Who Says Aussie Men Aren't Romantic? |
| The Porirua Games |
| New Zealand Driver Identification |
| Retiring Hooker |
Once upon a time, in the
Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds. "Look Son, look what I have. It's a planet and I have put LIFE
on it. I have named it earth and there is a balance between everything on
it. For example, there is North America and South America. North America is
going to be rich and South America is going to be poor and the narrow bit
joining them is going to be the hot spot. Now look over here. I have put a
continent of White people in the north and another one of black people in
the south."
The archangel then said, "And what is that long white line there?"
God said, "Ah- that is New Zealand, the land of the long white cloud and that
is a very special place. That is going to be the most glorious spot on the
earth; beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline.
These people are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are
going to be found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard
working and high achieving. And I am going to give then this superhuman, undefeatable
rugby team, which will be blessed with the most talented and charismatic specimens
on the planet and will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Archangel Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled,
proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE you said? There was
going to be a balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the nation of utterly irritating,
loud-mouthed people I am putting next to them!"
One day, a New Zealander
walked into a curio shop in the city of Cairo. Looking around, he notices
a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is
so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
Twelve pounds for the cat, sir, the shopkeeper tells him, and one hundred
pounds for the story that goes with it. I'll take the cat, says the New Zealander,
but you can keep the story.
The transaction completed, the New Zealander leaves the store with the bronze
cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live
cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking
over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another
alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks,
at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm
from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats
are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,
he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the cats
keep up, hissing insanely, now not, just thousands, but millions, so that
by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge a trail of cats several
blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post,
grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the Nile River.
Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of
cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost
dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the curio shop. Ah, so you've come back
for the story of the bronze cat, says the shopkeeper. No, says the New Zealander,
I was wondering if you have a bronze Australian!
Who Says Aussie Men Aren't Romantic?
This is an extract from
the latest Mills & Boon blockbuster:
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The
warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate
enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of
leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic
scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without
a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly
that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis
at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was
fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and
abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached
every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time
I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension
heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could
do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all
too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the
last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of
approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed
her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She
tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered 'BAAAA', and rejoined
the flock.
In an attempt to influence
the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue
for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Porirua's bid have already
drawn up an
itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced
below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city (preferably from the Titahi Bay area), wearing the traditional balaclava.
The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the
stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Porirua's competitors have not been particularly
successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been
altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Porirua' athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released
from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e.. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences,
walls etc.)
HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw,
sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily
harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as
possible in 5 mins.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas style wages delivery
man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Vailima
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Polytech bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on
his first trip away from home. All against the clock
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding
and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the
course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Porirua Harbour enterance.
The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Porirua.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Whitby
Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing
and music by the Papakowhai Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished
by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the
block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded
up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping
and the central heating boiler.
New Zealand Driver Identification
1. One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: SOUTH AUCKLAND2. One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window: HENDERSON
3. One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NORTH SHORE
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: WELLINGTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: PONSONBY
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: WHANGAREI, but driving in AUCKLAND.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: PARNELL.
8. One hand on wine cooler, one knee on wheel, cradling ancient cell phone, foot on brake, mind on private dope
plantation, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: TITIRANGI
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet being on the brake, throwing McDonalds bag out the window: HAMILTON
10. Four wheel drive truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, possum tails attached to aerial:
SOUTH CANTERBURY
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 40km on the motorway in the right lane with the left blinker going: HOWICK
After working
for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending
the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so
many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed
to marrying only a virgin male approximately the same age as herself.
She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a
male virgin approximately 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices
down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background
check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they
were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the
bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that
her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it
in one corner. Thinking this
rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with
a woman before?"
He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing
a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
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