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As I walked home late afternoon, I watched three little boys dressed in St. Sebastian gym uniforms (sky blue polo t-shirts and navy shorts with matching socks and laced black loafers--a far cry from the usual bright yellow and green outfits) stare at their reflections in the brick-red minivan. They laughed and giggled as most seven year-olds do, regardless of gender, and argued over their height. Cute is one word that definitely describes those kids, but innocent is a better word. Carefree and without worry, they were elves delighted by their self-images, content with the present, happy with friendship and the potential brotherhood they have years to realize. For a moment, I envied those munchkins. I wanted to free myself from the problems and worries, guilt and complications that accompany adulthood. I want to say things without thinking twice, and let things slide without fighting or arguing, and even FORGET as I forgive. But I can't. Albeit innocent (which is a wonderful thing to retain) those three kids are more mature than I am, more mature than most adults I know because they accept differences, seeing past history, before the future into the moment: NOW. They see the present, though a slit compared to the big picture, a diamond among gems... with eyes wide open.

And that's what I want.

There was this girl in my IS2 class who wore over-all jean shorts (you know OshBGosh?) with a huge red Harry Potter logo sprawled across the front pocket. Amused, I stared at her for a while and then remembered that there are more tragic things in the world... like ME being a jackass in a Shakespeare literature class, listening to some Ivy League snob talk about "Renaissance law and equity: a fixed set of laws and the mutable human circumstance," (hating her while furiously) jotting down every single thing that came out of her mouth, thinking WTF is going on?? Really dude, who takes a class that you can fucking teach? Honestly, she was brilliant enough to awe the professor. F-you for being smart and F-me for being dumb. And that's how I feel about Barnard and the Columbia community. My first week went really well HAHA?

Got to talk to my girls and hear the guys' voices up in Beantown and I miss my Boston dawgs.

Better than any gift one can receive is an honest sentence, deep inside, steady and soft, shadowed by a set of changing traffic lights in the dark. And at the end of the day, a little before 11pm (close to midnight) he wraps the surprise underneath layers of conversation only to say, "You're unlike the rest."

Naturally, I retreat.


Ate a 10 oz. steak courtesy of Dude and BD.
Had a two hour conversation with one of my #1's.

That's just what I needed... not an old buddy because friends aren't rated like antiques... a someone who knows me.

I watched a movie with a new friend.
I had fun.
The end.

Happy Belated 2-0 Amy, my cutie!

Happy 2-1 Jeffrey. :)

I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay since I got "A Rush of Blood to the Head" at Newbury Comics. Man, I miss Boston (I'm surprised to admit that I do). And "The Scientist" is by far the most soothing, comforting and beautiful track on the album. I L it for the lyrics, the piano, the everything. I fall asleep to it. L is so strange; sometimes we have to look to the past to move forward, to figure out the puzzle before it became pieces, to "go back to the start." We have to remember the beginning in order to prevent its end, tracing all the imperfections of loopy circles with our hands--no compass, no instrument--with the expectation and acceptance of human error. Listen. Whenever I hear this song, I'm in a state of stillness, and all I can think about is the human heart and how irrational/difficult/empowering/volatile/fractured/haunting/indescribable/hopeful/mute/articulate/pure/elementary/worped/loud/lingering/overpowering this experiment can be. Lovers as scientists, and much more. During an AOL Sessions exclusive with Coldplay, the interviewer raised an interesting question... Why aren't the lyrics posted in the CD jacket? Modestly, they answer: "Our lyrics aren't good enough." The Scientist. Damn.

I hope I remember this entry for years to come.

And here's a poem that captures me and where i hope to be, by e.e. cummings, "i carry your heart with me":
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
      i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

breathless, isn't it?

This past weekend, I bought myself a little black notebook from Barnes & Noble. I write little phrases in it, hoping that I won't forget what I intend to write about. Stuff like "offensive driving" and "Red Bull," "crazy Chinese man" and "burns." And it's kind of nice being a suitcase, carrying around my thoughts inside my head and keeping them secret; it makes me feel independent. But suffocated. I've never felt this liberated and alone before in my life. Sometimes, I want to tell my stories to a person I barely know, a blank etch-a-sketch board for me to draw on. No past, no future, just now.

But I prohibit myself to do anything of the sort, as if my communication skills are limited to a friendly greeting and a slight nod. I want to ask so many questions, but I don't. Like a balloon held loosely in the hand, everyone and every day and everything floats away--even emotions. Worry, guilt, anger... lust, excitement, joy. Change is imminent. I make it sound so negative, but in reality, I'm just antsy.

Off to 119th street tomorrow for my first transfer meeting. Whew. And then, WORK!

The opening started off a bit shaky, but things are falling into place now. The food is better, the service is quicker. I don't mind "guarding" (if you will) the tiny thing because it's an invaluable experience. With my stubborn personality, I don't think I can/want to work UNDER someone doing the cubicle 9-5; as passive as I SEEM, I have to be my own boss and call the shots. Damn. I don't know what I'm going to do with my degree after college, but I do know that I want to open a bigger and nicer joint in the future. (I take after my mama and her L of food, though she's a five-star cook and I'm... not.) Maybe I've told Bri and Jeff (ay hi investors/share holders/business partners......... hum.) this vision before? One day, I'll be able to greet and talk to different people, treat little kids to Thai-infused cuisine in an east-meets-west setting. Simple, clean, classy. Hop over to the kitchen to cook some food, or order my chef to do so haha. Past the corridor into the bar/lounge area, watch some sports on flat screens. In the wee hours, sit around, drink a cocktail and write. Wake up and do it all over again. I dunno, I enjoy creation. And my bro is gonna hook me up with that real estate sh*t for security. My flaky dreams.

Anyway, I promise that in three months or so, the restaurant will be consistant in most respects. In the meanwhile, come by and cheeel and eat and sit and chat. Lemme know if you're in the area. I'll make Thai iced tea and mix it with my very own index finger just for YOU. This is my sad and shameless plug on xanga:

Aceluck [Thai Cuisine]//530 9th Avenue 39th Street//in between Sandwich Planet (the best sandwiches in the city) and Atomic Wings (the hottest being "suicide")


In Alex & Emma, Luke Wilson plays a writer. A writer! Koreans and their word for charming--meechuhsuh//meecheesuh//muhcheesuh//muhchuhsuh. I have to watch it (when I have time).

Hey Horace, it's your birthday. Gimme a smile and stand around Elmhurst on Broadway so I can SEE you. Happy June days to Shuey, Smells, Yui, Daniel and B-B-Bozza!

It's DRAFT TIME at MSG. oh baby. This year, fewer stars of higher appeal. Last year, more players of wider appeal.


You’re that one perfect photograph I keep close to my heart—framed and matted and untouched—evidence of a bittersweet yesterday, a realness of today, an anticipation of tomorrow.

two things...L and work.

Not feeling it... you, her, him, me, us, them.
Lately, I haven't been giving my usual 101+infinity% in my friendships. I almost want to apologize, but I won't. I care about people (in general) to listen and talk, just not enough to go out of my way to do so. It is selfish, and soon enough the few who still call me will get fed up with my blase attitude. My problem is not figuring out what I can do to change my ways, but instead, actually putting that fix into action. In the past, I know I put extra effort into all of my relationships, figuring that these people make life really worthwhile (my concept for the next book). And I cared so much, I hurt. But after taking the back seat and noticing that people take advantage of me, spend time with me out of convenience and put me on hold, I'm placing myself before others right now. Throughout the day, I have my alone time to jog, to swim (again!), to watch dramas, to read, to do laundry, to work (sometimes), to write (not really). I play TABOO by myself. That speaks volumes. It will take a really patient and special person to get through to me once again. Sadly, I've surrounded myself with serenity, with solitude, with water. Only the willed have a way to reach my island, if he/she swims long/far/hard enough.

I'm not ready.

Written earlier from Sun Showers: "There's a fine line between being blunt and being honest. Difficult as it is to master, this careful choice between what is said and left unsaid (so cliche) marks out level of character. Sometimes, strength is the ability to hold things in because we know how easy it is to speak; other times, strength is the ability to speak our minds because we know how easy it is to keep quiet. Contradictions. Usually, though, silencing our mouths is silencing our minds. Without voice, we grieve and fluster and rage inwardly. The torment of transparency. I hope I am honest without hurting others, without being blunt. I wish that I can replace my filter--creative and vocal--with a funnel to channel my thoughts, but inhibitions hold me back."

There's no point in me having a cellular phone because I miss all my calls and spend the day listening to voice messages. I might as well revert to the beeper.

Leah is leaving us for Spain... ahh poo.

...I'm scared of men,
of men like my father.

5/19/03 Compromise
True L is hard to come by.

There are many misleading emotions that just don't make the cut. Admiration. Adoration. Affection. Appreciation. [All A's?] Comfort. Trust. Loyalty. Empathy. Companionship. Respect. Enchantment. Lust. Like. Zeal. Hope. I often mistake one for the other, and I never really get "it" right, you know? Sometimes I punch myself for always thinking about relationships and constantly dwelling--over breakfast, brunch, lunch, snack, dinner, latenight--but I never have the balls/opportunities to be in them. (Anyone who's been in the car or at a diner with me knows my twenty questions tendencies!) Friends are treasured balls that bounce back my private thoughts with new notions; shadows that leave a trace and refuse to leave. I care about them, or I wouldn't ask. When we share a part of ourselves with someone we trust, we inch a bit closer towards constancy... until one day, we realize he/she is our constant. And L (like loneliness) threads us together. Talking about it philosophically binds two [maybe more] minds. Through thoughtful conversation, I realize that L is an ageless topic (never taboo)...

...because true L itself is ageless. L is an explosion of implosive emotions; it evokes millions of good feelings but also harbors vice.

To know what something is, I have to search within, I have to listen to others, I have to make judgments. I must believe. What I believe to be true is my TRUTH. Most people say that L is something we just feel when we experience it (if we should be so lucky): a prescribed definition that is lacking for me. Feeling is not enough. As we feel with our hearts, we define with our heads. To know true L is to believe both. True L is the heart and head meeting halfway, a compromise between two.

And compromises are not easy.

A rift is the space between--between two people.

hum. lemme sleep on this.

Sun Showers
To some degree, my mission to reinvent perception by recycling clichés has been laborious. With fingers tucked inside the worn cuffs of my gray Champion sweatshirt, and pinky toes poked outside my aging orange Nike Prestos, I jog along Beacon Street to the beats of commercialized hip hop. It’s nearing dusk, but the sun is still out and the drizzle persists. I keep going. Sun showers legitimate the crazy New England weather=my life; they’re just stunning. During sun showers, despite the arrival of the rain, the sun never leaves.

The coexistence of two natural and opposite forces. There’s an aura of hope.

My weather is beautiful thanks to the two or three (maybe four) who understand. Without them, I will never be able to grow on my own. Will I know the warmth of the sun without the wetness of the rain? I need both, one to appreciate the other.

Wallflowers need sun showers to bloom.
(Chestnut Hill, MA 4/25/03)

DISCLAIMER: I wrote the below for a class and mention several you's. I can't say it's autobiographical, nor will I say it's fictitious. There are elements of both reality and fiction. Life, dictated by duality. [This post is for Joe Ng, who says he reads my "stuff... xanga." HAHA! Small gestures like that motivate me. Few encourage me to share and to think. I thank you. Happy 20th, Arn! 5/17]

My Real Thing
Hallmark makes the cutest cards with (a friend like) you (for me) in mind: “Peas. Pod. Us.” and “We’ll sit and pour a cup of talk. Promise.” and “Being friends with you is like being given a precious treasure…and knowing I get to keep it for the rest of my life.” These cards, among others, stick out of several scattered stashes around the room. Sometimes I buy them with an eventual intention to write and send, but mostly for the untouchable memories they provoke. For ninety-nine cents to five beans, the word experts at Gold Crown articulate the inexplicable. God bless.

You see, close friend is just a term I use to avoid disappointment. Everyone yearns for reciprocity, and sometimes, I wonder where I stand in your life. I may not know what a best friend is, but you’re the closest to the real thing. You’re my real thing.

Compared to what—that new Coca-Cola commercial!—I don’t know. You set the bar.

Year after year, I redraw the line (if one does exist) between friendship and something more. It is bold and black for the deaf to see, raised and Brailed for the blind to be felt. Naturally yet guiltily, I assume my role as the mute. While sitting on subway seats and spinning diner stools, library chairs to theater recliners, I shuffle my little legs as they sway slightly above ground. Accompanied by an occasional sneeze and fidget, these noises confirm that I am alive and well. Barely audible, my soft voice levels off into the surrounding silence, and enters a world where I am void of choice, where I write words but do not cannot speak them, where biological limitations mask my fear, confusion and insecurity. Mute by default, not by choice.

But I am fortunate enough to have choices, to be born complete with intellect and a set of four limbs, and still, I instinctively choose muteness. One of the most difficult realizations in life is that our decisions are not black and white, right or wrong, true or false. Of course, ramifications accompany our freewill. I need to know the nature of things with certainty. I want to know. Time and again, I remind myself that silence is best (for you, for me, for our friendship) and that there is no “us”—best compared to what, though? It’s all about relativity.

You’re that one perfect photograph I keep close to my heart—framed and matted and untouched—evidence of a bittersweet yesterday, a realness of today, an anticipation of tomorrow.       , you inspire me.

5/16/03 Make Me Tick, Tick Me Off
I'm curious as to what attracts and repels people. Not necessarily things that turn us on or off about a someone, just what makes us tick and ticks us off. It can be physical or habitual or qualitative. Doesn't matter. Although I'm not picky about these things, I have two likes that stand out. I like guys who wear glasses sometimes--alternating throughout the week. There's something about glasses that draws my attention, an innocence and serenity about the dude. The quirkiness. uh huh.
And humor. A funny bub who makes me laugh is always a perk. But then...

Not even one minute after I say that my pet peeve is someone who can't spell (knowing the difference between your and you're, their and there and they're, here and hear) or use proper third grade grammar (such as IMperfect and IMpossible and you'RE welcome), I blurt out "let's put our moneys together guys." Something is seriously wrong with my head. I'm such a hypocrite. HAHA. Well, I checked to make sure and it says that the plural of "money" exists: moneys and monies. No one really uses these two words though. What a drab.

Isn't my pp so impertinent to ...? Pathetic.
I can't stand cocky guys.

Bye BC. Hello BC. [!] I accept their acceptance. Now I know the meaning behind the cliche "you are the creator of your own destiny."

51403343am. My mommy is sleeping in a bag on the couch directly across from me, softly breathing. Her hand rests on her heart; her glasses fixed on her face; her snore, musical. She is alive. I sit here on the brown leather couch flipping from channel 19 (VH1’s Insomniac Music Theater) to channel 20 (MTV After Hours), thinking. If I can’t sleep, I might as well write out my thoughts. Like most things that matter, L is synonymous to life. Birth, not life,is antonymous of death. Why do people think that the opposite of life is death? These are the things Dawson ponders. I think about stuff like this too. I figure I'm so attached to Dawson’s Creek because it inspires me. For the past five years, I have yet to miss an episode (and just in case my VHS tapes are not enough I plan to buy the series on DVD). I L the show for stimulating me, for making me tick. Honestly and truly. I grew up with Joey, Dawson, Pacey and Jenn as they articulate emotions young people feel yet are too afraid or incapable of putting into words. These characters are so real, so quotable. I owe everyone involved with the show—writers, directors, cast, crew, etc.—my adolescence, to live out the mistakes I’m scared to make and to grow from them, but never grow out of them. That means to L.

I wonder who my soul mate is, or rather, if one even exists. When I was younger, I dreamed of meeting that person and marrying him, convinced that my soul mate will be my husband. As a teen, I searched and searched for him, holding onto ideals that might define the perfect person for me. Maybe I’ve already met him in a friend, walked by him in a bookstore, or maybe I have yet to find him. But at twenty years old, I know my prescribed definition for “soul mate” has changed. The special person doesn’t have to be my husband (though that would be unbelievable wouldn't it?) nor a guy. My soul mate is someone I belong to and someone who belongs to me, someone who never really shrugs me off and always believes in US. Friendship at its purest. Do I believe in this shit? I hope so.

Leah and I lean against the glass store front. She says, “I can’t wait to see the next guy you date.” I answer, “You mean the first guy I date? Oh man." She nods and I shake my head. It’s bad. I guess it took me almost six years to realize that there ARE “good” guys all around me. My friends aren’t the only few who occupy the bubble. Again, my perspective has changed.

I don’t see myself as having high standards at all. In fact, I don’t have standards. When it comes to my heart, I’m extremely careful—call it extensive paranoia. Scared to befriend guys, I am insecure. In the back of these dudes' minds, is the fact that I’m fugly; they can’t look past my Champion sweatshirts and worn sneakers, my flubber-defined tummy (what abs?) and huge latina dumptruck ass, my unmade face and awkward humor to see the real me. Why worry about the surface and shape of things? Because real world mandates that looks matter, even though I think attraction grows from within. I hate the fact that outer appearance matters so much. Maybe guys, disgusted with my grossness, waste time talking shit about me and making up suitable nicknames. [And to make matters worse, I have self-diagnosed S.A.D. which makes me so damn shy around large groups and strangers.] I’m scared to be friends with guys because I want things to be platonic, without sexual tension. Then again, I’m scared to assume my place as the go-to-girl, to be known as one-of-the-guys or the chick-who-knows-a-bit-about-ball. What if feelings (though clearly and ultimately unreciprocated) centered on hope, fester? What am I to do? I’m just so fucking scared of getting hurt. That’s all.

Faith. Mommy always tells me, “A diamond. No matter where you are, even in the depths of drenches, no one can conceal you, destroy you. No one can alter your essence. After a bit of polishing, you will radiate with brilliance. Sparkle the eyes. Illuminate a room, the world. Sooner or later, someone will discover you…your worth. Just you wait.” The funny thing is, I believe her. I do.

Life is synonymous to love.

The Matrix Reloaded is totally badasskicking sick! I’m so happy I went on Wednesday (thanks to Justin) instead of Friday (thanks to Ply) with Miyoung, Joe, Paul, Annie and… yeah. I’m watching it again and again and AGAIN. IMAX baby. Flicks like the first two Matrix installments leave us thinking. Our purpose is determined by the choices we make. What is destiny? What is L? Religion? PRedetermination? Free will? I need to watch the first DVD to piece everything together.

When writing: never leave a stone unturned and find opportunities to unearth a gem.

TABOO! “apartheid” and “carjacking” HAHA.

I like it when random people drop by and just read. [the anonymous C.P. :] People I will never meet and never know know, but whom I feel connected to in some sort of way. Musing their site from the web address given, I enter a different world--autobiographical or fictitious--and laugh at a line they've written or a goofy picture they've posted. It's great how the internet does that. But it's so weird how a slow-loading web browser bar can irritate me. Two years ago, I would be content if I didn't get kicked off with my 56K modem. Never satisfied, human nature. This definitely goes against Buddhism and fulfillment, moderation and worldly attachment and all that good stuff I have yet to learn. Damn Luck, but thank you T3.

As for my buddies, we know real friends don't need this medium to connect, only to keep in contact. Mind and heart, baby.

Dismantle cliches. Reinvent them.

Since geocities has been acting up lately, I've resorted to the 1,024 free characters offered by AIM Profiles as my template for writing.

The Matrix Reloaded: 10 days. Check smishy's aim for my lovely tribute to my #1. jk.

5/1/03 REJECT
Pretentious NYU assholes rejected my fat ass for transfer. It's not like I didn't see it coming nor did I expect to transfer if I got in (hale no!), but the reality of it just sucks. There's no hope for Barnard. This is just one more motivating factor to make something of myself, give $ to the institutions that facilitated my success and to those who believed in me, and (not really flaunt it to Williams, Wesleyan and NOW NYU [I don't care if Barnard rejects me because I want to go to Columbia grad school. Hello! (my sad plug.)] but) gracefully send them a letter that reads................... KISS MY ASS. That will never happen, and I will regret writing this.

Yeah, I'm scared of the feeling...

It's like getting Ashton Kutcher & co. Punk'd on national television and acting like a bia bia the way Jessica Alba did. It's like saying that there's hair in my food, only to figure out it's my strand after I've requested a new dish. It's like placing an order for three books with a Mastercard and receiving two notification emails that tell me I don't have thirty beans in the checking account. I just feel S-T-U-P-I-D.

I was there.

My April babies are the most delicious. Sunshines who color my life: Nina, Katie, Annie, Megan, Jisun, Katrina, Sarah, yours truly, Mike. We're in the 20's club...exclusive and posh. yip yip hooray.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream: I took a bullet for Eminem. He let me too, that jerk.

It feels strange to celebrate a week early (before National Pot Day/Hitler + Allan Houston)—almost stepping outside of myself and looking into the future, you know? I can’t believe Dee and Ives threw a surprise “party,” a room filled with balloons and streamers, friends and acquaintances, a huge-ass cake with yellow frosting and candles. Yellow, like my bed sheets! Pants drenched and UCONN sweatshirt soaked from the rain, I see the guys and jump upon entering the room, squirming behind the door for several minutes. Despite bad weather, everyone treks downtown and treats me to dinner and tiramisu at Assaggio, a two-tier Italian restaurant on Prince St. in the North End (Boston’s Little Italy), and to a movie (Anger Management). During dinner, I stand up on impulse and raise my hands like Mr. Holland in front of his orchestra; words just pour of my mouth. It’s been a while since I’ve spoken in front of a large audience (in this case, constituted by twenty heads). That moment defines my mixed emotions, my social experience in college. Though I’m still uncertain about things, I am moved by and appreciative of my friends, whom I realize care more about me than I had initially thought.

This Easter break, I get to celebrate life with my mommy and Ace—top two deluxe meal specials (with home fries and cupped soups of the day) on my menu. Home is definitely “not where, but who.” More reflection when I get to two-zero. Right around this time, I always think. I rewind the past 365 days and cue the next year. And without a back-up plan, I continue to pipe dream, just like children and Dawson Leary and Ray Chao: “I’m walking backwards into the future.” I feel defeated at times, yet inspired too. Most of all, I am grateful…this recurring theme of gratitude. I don’t know.

I went through the college process again for this fall term. And though my essay was new, the subject remained the same—two years later; I still wrote about my high school English teacher, my Mr. Miyagi. I thought that meeting such an influence was a right of passage for everyone, but that’s not the case. I’m one of the lucky few:
Gratitude is the day I publish my first feature article, the month I complete my first novel and dedicate it to him, the year I am engaged to a worthy man. Gratitude is the unspoken stories we forget to tell, and the little quirks we remember to share. Gratitude is the life I live because he is part of it. Our lives are forever intertwined. In two years, I will walk the graduation aisle once again. After that, I will stroll down other passages in life—an airplane aisle towards hot spot Hawaii, a chapel aisle towards someone I love [though I have yet to have my first kiss!], a supermarket aisle towards baby formula and diapers—I will not be surprised to feel his presence. Living proof that beauty exists in the form of humans, he breathes strength into my soul. For almost four years and for forty more, Mr. Grossman has been and always will be the spark that illuminates my life.
Every writer needs [her] inspiration.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.” – Stella Adler
(I can’t wait for the day I am able to quote myself. Now that’s a sign of greatness.)

From now on, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

It's "Songkran" New Year's in Thailand.

I'm ready to write again. Sometimes I scare myself with my own thoughts. I feel...

Happy Day, Ray.

Why was I plagued by indifference? Not apathy, just indifference. Is it my lack of knowledge... of not knowing what or who to believe? And now, it's war and now, I care. 1990 revisited, let's pray this is not 1939-45.

I hope our service men and women return safely and quickly, and that the Iraqi population--fifty percent are children--does not get hurt. What's hope?

Abstract Pickings
Beauty is the shrieking baby hungry for milk in the back of the bus because it is alive. Beauty is his enjoyment of feces, like chocolate covered raisins, in a diaper for lunch because he does not know better. Beauty is her bottle-cap breasts and big hips that swagger from side to side because she has confidence. Beauty is the ability to speak words on stage about a rapist who dehumanized you, a vagina that enticed you, a government that robs you. Beauty is the ability to take a dump every day because I am healthy. Beauty is to embrace imperfection, to hold a knife to the wrist and put it back on the Rubbermaid dish stand, to suppress heartache, to still love a husband of thirty years—the same adulterous husband of four+ years. Beauty is the hug, soap, friendship, shame, look, newspaper, choice, distance, marriage, sweatshirt, appreciation, determination, donut, disparity, failure, silence, kiss, connection, secret, game, story, sex, L, wealth, miles, struggle, smile, song, touch, remote we [will] [never] share. Beauty is life.

Beauty is death.

While pessimism stems from my fear of disappointment, cynicism, which is slightly different, is innate. With a tiny hope that “people who are motivated by selfishness” (as cynic is defined by the American Heritage dictionary), might prove me wrong, I expect the worst in most situations. I’m reluctant, almost afraid, of letting people into my sphere and abusing my trust, but when I do let them in… I really do. Vulnerability. Though attachment to someone or something is easy, detachment is tough. The invisible thread that connects people binds our stories and our minds into one volume.

In me, lives a Tom and Huck: the idealist and the realist. Tom dreams. Huck rationalizes. The banter between the two is amusing yet frustrating; it borders paranoia. I wish everything was either and, not either or. Inhibitions = confinement, dismantling what could be to what should be. Humans are walking contradictions, dressed paradoxes.


"Change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. [Change] can be so slow that you don't know if it's better or worse until it is." – Life As a House

why do i do the things i do? my apologies.
sometimes i feel like i have this ability to stand outside of myself, brush away the dust on the glass window, and peer into my life. i consider the relationships i've fostered--both strong and weak, good and bad, past and present. i see life as it is. i see life as it can be. i don't see life as it will be. then i see death. an infinite stretch of white canvas. a swallow of black poison.

I spent New Years at the Bangkok airport, counting down the seconds to my uncle's Casio digital watch--the kind that beeps twice every hour--waiting for my bro and mommy to arrive. Times Square will be wild in 2004 since it marks the 100th year anniversary of the celebration in New York City. Next year, I want to be here. Maybe not.

Winter break gave me a chance to really evaluate my thoughts... all to figure out that I don't know much about me. I didn't know how much I adore my extended family, how I've actually considered moving there permanently or even how many people I'll hypothetically leave behind here in the states. Who means anything at all to me anymore? I didn't sort out my feelings about someone until my brother and I had a serious conversation--though our ability to hold such a talk lasts at max three minutes--and how many times I've cried over the "neverness" of it all. Already, I'm making up words. I didn't consider other career options other than those that involve writing, but I realize now that I don't have what it takes to "make it." No shit. It's fucking sad. I just whine and complain about how I'll never live out my dreams because of lack of talent and ability, yet I don't write on the side and practice the craft. I'm so full of BS. I'll just have to leave my family life as taboo because the few who know anything about it have no idea what it feels like to live with this downward spiral of sorts, and others hum... yeah.

All I know is that in two double-o three, I need to move on from me--even if that includes neglecting such sites. Because natural law reveals that resolutions are made to be broken, reinvention is not my resolution; it's something bigger than that. I'm committed to shine some day, to be someone. This year marks the start of newness. I can't wait to write for my classes, to watch a Yankees game live, to wear jeans, to feel confident, to party rather than take pictures at the party, to read great books, to practice Buddhism strictly, to watch the Matrix sequels, to meet new people and give them a chance, to finish MD [uhhh hopefully], to travel. It's my time for experience.

I'm not completely signing off from Marshmallows and Mismatched Socks or Xanga, nor am I taking a hiatus. I will not say Xanga is dumb, vow to never post anything, yet write in it a couple of days later. I will not take down my main web journal, but weeks later when I "snap out" of what I snapped into, write again. Almost every night, I enjoy looking at past musings and reading about that one email that lifted me out of my hole, college, disappointments, realizations, the romantic comedies that made me scrunch up into a tiny ball, L, Stuy, entertainment news, or expressing my care and concern for that special someone whom I share a symbiotic relationship with... my mommy lives for me and I live for her. Period. Anyone can figure out buzzwords relating to me like Knicks and Keanu, idealist and hopeless romantic, but I need to prove to myself that I am so much more than these words. I guess this devotion to finding out who I am complements NOT sharing all of my discoveries. It's time for MY reinvention. And that's a private struggle, a personal journey... similar to falling in L, you know? Hey, that would be sweet too.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

RANDOM SENTENCES laced together. For years, I've submerged myself in ideals and and dreams and false hopes, in placing my thumb in between my middle and ring fingers for the shocking F. Always proper and mature and over-anxious, and now more than ever, I'm a midget adult. I like seeing myself through movies and books, words and pictures... stories created by others, because I need the reflection. When I watched The Hours and 25th Hour, I recognized life and death in Woolf, Brown and Vaughn. In Monty. I've thought about suicide and its implications, about decisions we make and the trust between two people. When I write, I blur reality with fiction and fiction with reality. To give life to a specific moment is to look at it in hindsight. Perception is essentially distortion. distance myself from...

HAPPY 21st Ives! You deserve so much, and much more. Some live jazz and some "God-awful" sh*ttiness from just about everyone. Goldshlagger yuck. Tequila yum.
<3, "giggle-pants"

Happy belated Joe! SPHR baby.

And to my one and only, sexy mommy dearest who gives me more than what I need in this world. <3 Happy 54th!

I'm so happy for B and D. Make some bayyy-beees!

Photo Page One 12/12/02 It's Here
Honey-roasted peanuts in clear waxed bags from a Nuts4Nuts stand for one dollar. Silvers. Radio reruns. Sleeping bags. Mommy's birthday. Basketball games on NBC, TBS, ESPN. Felt pajamas. Poetry in Motion. Thainglish. One-day sales throughout the month. Golds. Soup please, instead of salad. Leno and Letterman, SNL and Conan. Resolutions unmade and broken. Chuckles. The elderly inch towards home on slippery sidewalks. A bit closer to The Matrix sequels. 8th Street to Canal Street on Broadway. Fleece blankets. 5th Avenue walks. Resolutions to be made and broken. Car rides. DVD releases. Dick Clark. Family. Hearty meals. Rosy cheeks. No gifts, just L. Round tummies. Ladies with huge shopping bags rush down the subway stairs. Pine. Snuggled toes. Shovels. Romantic comedies. Greens. Marshmallows in hot chocolate. Tingles. Sweat pants/shirts/hoodies--sweat everything. Ice cream with mittens. Puffy. Fluffy. Linking arms. Photographs. Train radiators that warm the feet. Cell phone minutes overload. Dunkin Donuts Dunkaccino. Conversations. Foggy cafe windows. Frost-bite. Traffic jams. Reds. Mommy hugs. Itchy wool sweaters. Christmas cards, carols, candles. XandO Cosi Smores. Medicated Chapstick. Relief. Television specials. Reunion of sorts. Lights. Cha. Intimacy. Fitted snowcaps. Funny snow angels. Sniffles. Countdowns: The Best _____ of 2002. Home. A Year in Review. A New Year.

LeBron James on ESPN to-night! He is what's NEXT. :)

completed 12/12/02, scattered
My mommy’s birthday is on the 20th—dinner and movie [assuming she won’t protest] date! So many to choose from, but I’ll be nice and give her the option of the new Scorsese epic or the other DiCaprio project with Hanks and Speilberg or the Bullock/Grant romantic comedy. It IS her day. :) Two Weeks Notice!

Old English: “butter’d buns.”
As I walked into the English office, I smiled and waved. I’m sure my eyes lit up. He was busy with other students, so I stood there awkwardly as we exchanged greetings and nodded heads. Hoping to visit Mr. LaBonne [my sophomore English teacher who taught me how to write with sentence variation and correct grammar] too, I scanned the bulletin board for class schedules. Before I headed out to track him down, and possibly return when the office cleared a bit, Mr. G approached me from behind and asked me what I was doing.
“Wait, don’t move,” he said. Puzzled, my forehead wrinkled a bit as I looked at him.
“Who, me? I’ll be rightback. Just gonna find Mr. LaBonne. Is he teaching this period?”
Mr. G pointed at the board and answered, “I think he’s teaching a class in 638, but wait hey. Hold on.”
In one motion, he embraced me with a hug.
I chuckled a bit and told him, “Congratulations, Mr. G. You deserve this... everything. Really.”
“Thank you so much for your card. It was… I’m sorry I haven’t written back.” He clasped his heart and pointed to the shelf in his office. I squinted. The card I had sent him rested in front of some books, as if it belonged there. Somehow, I sensed his sincerity. I felt his gratitude.
Countless alumni filed into the 601 vicinity to see Mr. G, yet he still made me feel important. I got to sit in his office chair. :D He asked me if I was happy, and I asked him just the same. He asked me about my mom and my brother, and I asked him about Mrs. G and Gabe (who has grown up so much the past year). He asked me about Boston, boys and booze; I cringed at the thought of all three. Both of us dodged answers, and retorted with questions. I wanted to hear all about him, and I guess he wanted to hear all about me. “That’s bullsh*t, Luck.” He knows me. I think my pink cheeks and darting eyes gave me away. Revealing my hush-hush secret (something I’ve never told anyone), I began to protest and justify my answer with explanations, as he holds up his hand and laughs, “No need to explain yourself.” I love how he interacts with students, how he connects with us not only as a mentor but also as a peer, a friend. Hardly scratching the surface, we talked for a short while about absolutely nothing. Leaving him with the dozens of students who waited anxiously to talk to him, I went away to meet Arn, Larry, WilstOCKS on the third floor gym. People must think I have a tight bond with my high school English teacher—partly because I rave about him quite often—but they’re mistaken. Not close, but special. Perhaps that is the best approach, because we leave room for intrigue, suspense. We each have stories to tell, though in clustered moments. He gives me reason to keep going back, to visit the my adolescent asylum. My fondest memory of high school remains in Mr. G and all that he embodies. Nothing can nor will change that, and I struggle against tears thinking about his influence and my strength, his words and my faith. Above all, his uncanny photographic memory is striking. Important in friendships and relationships is mutual concern. I have learned that to listen is to remember and to remember is to care. Light a spark and spark a life. To make is difference is to just matter, you know? In college, I find myself comparing my professors to him, all to realize that educators need not a PhD to be… great. My Morrie surpasses everyone when it comes to teaching, listening, caring. Man, I would visit Stuy every month if I could to ask him questions and talk to him, every week if I had the chance to ,sit and listen in during one of Mr. G’s Great Books classes. *Obtain the list.

Worn and tired, Ace let me cruise on the I-95 and 91 N!

Wouldn’t it be awesome to do the Harlem Shake? Some funk flow would be nice.

Classes have ended, and finals approach in just two days. I’ve been on page 121 of Moby Dick since last week, with 500 pages left to read. Super fast reader.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 22nd [11/26], ACE! Someone told me you got "plastered" at Chaos. HA. Continental Airlines Arena @ 7PM [12/7], where the Nets host the Magic. He picked ME! Instead of watching the game, [was it even a game or a blowout??] we ended up talking about the people in front of us. This whacked-out family—a mini United Nations unit—did some weird sh*t. [The quotation marks denote 1% uncertainty concerning ethnicity.] The mom was a 35+ [pushing 40] “Hispanic” lady, flirting with her “Punjab” teenage son. The under aged fool repeatedly caressed this albino, freckle-faced, redheaded “Irish” kid’s cheek. The kid sat next to some lost, mustached, emaciated grade school “Middle Eastern/Guido” boy. Someone raided the adoption agency. Don't tell me otherwise. And like alkies, the Oedipus couple chugged beer in front of their kids whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. gross. All of this sounds racist and incestuous, but really. Who does that?? Perplexed, Ace and I sat there and watched them with awe, thinking WHAT THE? Because T-Mac, Hill and company did not give the paralleled performance we expected, we found some f-ed up sh*t to watch… up close. Yeah, we Watanasuparps are messed up.

During our drive to Connecticut, Michelle and I discussed something profound, something I haven’t considered until recently. Years from now, without experience, how will we know ‘the one’ is the really one? It’s quite simple. I might not know what I want, but I know what I don’t want… and sometimes, knowing that is all I need. I have not a clue as to how to behave on a first date—what to say (if I should whip out sarcasm, corny jokes, social commentary: all or none or some), how to walk (if I wear anything other than sneakers), why the guy pays (if he does at all), how to attack my food (if I feel the need to pick apart my meal). Despite wondering about first date jitters and first touch paranoia and first kiss tingles [ah, might I add that I do nurture my lips with Medicated Chapstick haha] that accompany the occasion, I am content with me. I guess. Hum. Knowing what I don’t want in a guy (e.g. a smoker and a cock, apathy and laziness, dependence and infidelity) helps me realize what I do want, and for whom and in what I have waited this long.

But when I speculate about L, I sadly doubt it. What if L is merely an unattainable ideal I’ve built my hopes and dreams upon all of these years? Am I wasting away my life? Must all good things come to inevitable end? My secret hope remains in the ideal, that years from now, my best friend and I will do the double take, and fall in L with each other for a second time: the first time for L in friendship and the second, for L in itself. I would trade all my first experiences to be with him, the one I have known for a jabillion years, with whom I feel most comfortable. When I’m with someone who means that much, I’ll feel that rush of excitement infinite times over; first experiences become insignificant and incomparable to shared life experiences. No doubt. Problem is, I don’t even have a best friend I can count on. My dream is already ruined. HAHAHA dambits Luck. Who is he? Where is he? Give me a sign, big G. What’s going on here…

Pah Lek Sod Sai. “Sod Sai” in Thai means vibrant and animated, pure and fresh; her name encompasses who she is. During this past summer, I got to visit Pa Lek at her home with Fuji apples and a card (containing a short poem my mommy and I wrote together). That day, her bright smile masked whatever fatigue and pain she felt. We chatted for a while, and somehow instead of consoling her, I left with tears. It was the last time I saw her. As I look back, I dwell upon childhood memories: Thanksgiving feasts, birthday celebrations, Christmas parties, summer barbeques. The four year old me would run around with Ace, Mikey, Bell, Sara, Ply, Plang and the gang, playing manhunt in New Jersey. We would go inside for a break and eat. Every year, my parents’ friends would make fun of my weight, teasing me and poking my fat flubber blubber. Sometimes out of embarrassment, I would even sneak food on my plate. Pa Lek was probably the only adult who encouraged me to eat, because she said I would lose the pounds as I grew older. Though her prophecy proved false, I smile thinking about her. She never made fun of me, only encouraged me to be active, to speak up, to stand up for myself. A great friend and entertainer, she made my mommy laugh so much throughout the years with her scatological humor. Even with her illness, she acknowledged our family’s struggle and gave my mom strength and encouragement. Any other person could care less. Thinking that my mom is a serious, stern woman, a lot of people misunderstand her—adults and kids alike. They view my conservative nature as a product of her strict upbringing, yet in reality, she is so far from that. OMG. Pa Lek understood her, and believe it or not, they share the same sick humor, on par with Na Oau (Yui’s mom). [These ladies are NASTY…okay, that’s another story in itself.] With undying optimism, Pah Lek Sod Sai IS quite the woman. Thanksgiving Day, someone dear to us is gone. I miss her. But Pa Lek is gone in body, not in spirit. I look at Ply and see that she lives on in her daughter. The strength and faith, humor and resilience, is inherent in Ply. And that is something to marvel at. I do not know how she feels, and honestly, I fear the day I must face her situation. Despite its unbearable pretense, I don’t know. No words can articulate what is inside my heart. Seemingly, Death occurs more often, more quickly these days. Amidst the gradual absence of precious people, its darkness only makes us more aware and appreciative the beauty in life, But F. Is life beautiful? Or am I professing a bunch of bull, beating ideals to death in my mind? Life has to be beautiful. It just has to be.

“When are you going to be rich so you can support me?”
“Huh? You’re the one who has to pay my bills. I’m not going to make any money doing what I want to do.”
“You have to play the lottery. I know you’re going to win one day.”
“What? How do you know?”
“You’ve never done anything bad, have you?”
“I don’t know, I’m not sure.”
“Have you cheated before?”
“Well, okay in like first grade, I cheated off of Victor for one word during a spelling test, and once at Stuy, during Ms. Huang’s health test. The entire class yelled out answers, so I listened too. That’s all. Crap darn.”
“Whaaat? I mean BAD, you know? Yeah so you haven’t done anything bad.”
“I’m not sure… I guess not. Yeah. YEAH, you’re right. What the he**? That’s so sick. What about you? Have you smoked weed?”
“I’ve tried it, but all guys have tried it once, you know? Cigarettes. Besides smoking is an external thing. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Have you?”
“Yeah I know. I’m just saying. HALE no, I’ve never smoked. No weed.
“Damn yo, that's what I mean. Good people… good things will happen. I know it. God works like that.”
“You mean like karma?”
“Yeah, like that.”
“Uh huh. Doesn’t matter what religion.”
“Werd. I’ve done some pretty bad things. But you… play the lottery yo, for reals.”
“We have to buy Ma and Pa nice things… take care of them, you know? Pa needs a new car and Ma, she deserves everything.”
I’ll play the lottery one day.

Lucky FCUK. Thank you Miyoung! HAHAHA.

“Please ac-CESS the exit door. No no, you must place em-PHA-sis on the right syl-LAH-bal.” Mike Meyers is so funny.

numbered faith | 12.10.02
      my friend
i want to meet you once, twice, again and again.
           the first time a thrill; the second by
fate, enchanted. sparks of excitement illuminate
                                our sky
     like fireworks--but the forever kind.

Today is Thursday. Mercedes-Benz C240 class. HAHAHA how spoiled.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS. It’s Christmas time in the city. Honey-roasted peanuts in clear waxed bags.

Incubus - Echo [Thanks you... such a breathless song.]
Dru Hill - Never Stop Loving You
KCi and JoJo - Love Me Carefully
Sydney Forest - Once in a Blue Moon
Lifehouse - How Long//Everything
Matchbox Twenty - Unwell//The Difference
Plumb - Stranded
Boz II Men - Dear God
The Roots and Musiq - Break You Off
Michelle Tumes - Lovely
Erykah Badu feat. Common - Love of My Life

"This time. What I want is you. There is no one else. Who can take your place. Who can take your place. This time. You burn me with your eyes. You see past all the lies. You take it all away. I've seen it all. It was never enough. It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. Take me away. I've got nothing left to say. Just take me away. I TRY TO MAKE MY WAY TO YOU BUT STILL I FEEL SO LOST I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO CAUSE I'VE SEEN IT ALL IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH IT KEEPS ME LEAVING ME NEEDING YOU. Take me away. Take me away. I've got nothing left to say. Just take me away. Don't give up on me yet. Don't forget. Who I am. I know I'm not there yet. But don't let. Me stay here alone. I've seen it all. And it's never enough. It keeps leaving me needing you. I've seen enough. And it's never enough. It keeps leaving me needing you.Take me away. Take me away. I've got nothing left to say. Just take me away. Take me away. Take me away." - Lifehouse, Take Me Away

The DJ on Kiss 108 said the word "d*ck" on the radio! Is that allowed? I had no idea. The d-word for guys is just like the p-word for girls. YUCK. Personally, "penis" is a better choice than the d-word and less degrading than "vagina". Girl private parts are so nasty. I think about these things. I do.

Matchbox 20's new album is a must-buy... huge fan. :)

Judging from our mini day trip to Providence, RI, I'm justified to comment that the town is not quite THE tourist attraction though the waterfront is pretty. Kristen, Dee, Ives and I took some funky pictures in a wooden tunnel and mobile diner, goofed around in Park's Plaza--a Korean variety bonanza full of hootchy pootchy mamas and their small children--and ate Pizza Skins at UNO's. See, we try to make the best of what we have.

When parents cheer for their children during ball games, especially at away games, I just smile. Their enthusiasm is so cute. Our Eagles have the ugliest D ever--no ball rotation, and when switching from offense to defense, they always leave at least one man open. The St. Joe's game was hilarious.

Thank you to some guy named Paul and his NYC peoples for the unexpected visit on Thursday! Now that's what I call spontaneity to the fullest.

Louie Armstrong has such cute bloated cheeks. I want his poster.

AHHH. My mom has to stop leaving messages on my voicemail saying "Ace was in a car accident" without mentioning the "but he's all right" part. On the reals, she scared me so badly, I choked. I just thank God, you know? Despite the trials we face as a unit, big man is just always there to see things through. Appreciation in his grace doesn't even begin to account how thankful and grateful I am. In a situation like this... it's like one minute I feel comfortable and the next, I scramble for reassurance. At the thought of losing someone I love, it's crazy how the world changes instantly.

Life is a collection of impulses. Discard reason.

A huge thanks to Mike for making me laugh with his personalized stationary. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness man. In Larry's words-- "he's sucha cool guy." We have plans to hit up Stuy and Harlem. HAHA

I wonder about Ply. :T

2 more to tie. 3 to break Houston's record.

Homebody. Sometimes I feel as though I will not have any friends several decades down the road. From all the times I choose to spend with my mom and refuse my friends' invitations, they will stop understanding. We all know how repetitive the routine becomes; they'll stop asking, and I'll be a part of their memory. I fear the day she leaves me, all alone... with nothing and no one. My life is not worth living without her.

What the he-- do Ben [sexxxiest man alive 2002] and J-Lo talk about? Seriously. Though both from working class families, they seem to come from entirely different worlds. They ARE kind of cute together. Two attractive celebrities in love... whee. Alyssa and Justin? Jay-Z and Beyonce? J.C. and Tara? Brittany and Ashton? Young love, baby.

Thanksgiving is in two days. TWO. In the words of my lovable bro, "Holla. Party patrol!!!!!"

Every year around this time, we plan to go to the parade but claustrophobia gets the best of us. Oh well. Black Friday too! Support the fight against hyperconsumerism and don't buy anything.

"Change happens when ordinary people do extraordinary things."

Why is Thai food so yummy? I'll tell you why, and give three reasons without having to think.

AHHHHHH Will someone update me on Will & Grace's wedding episode? Or better yet, does anyone have the 90 mins taped? hehe k, that's pushing my luck.

Maid in Manhattan seems kinda cute. Critics say this is the movie that will launch Lopez's career big time, similar to what Pretty Woman did for Julia Roberts. I want to watch the Hugh Grant r/c flick with Sandra Bullock. Perfect for the pining and whining for a signif other, huh? I crack up every time the 8 Crazy Nights commercial comes on. With the theme, the graffiti title, it's such a crazy parody of 8 Miles HAHAHA.

The INDIANA quarter is here!! YAY YAY YAY.

Who wants rock-hard abs? I DO. Who wants toned legs? I DO. Who needs to wake up? I DO. Flubber flabber. F. These love handles won't go away! Ah schucks, at least I have something(s) to play with during class. HA :D

11/18/02 Soul
It's not like I didn't see Death coming, especially since she was ninety-four [yes, I think]. I doubt I'll ever come to terms with my grandma's passing. Even if my brother and I do go back to pay our respects for the hundred days, the loss still lingers. Every 24th of every month passes by; this 24th will mark two months. Every day, I stare at her picture--the one where she has on my yellow sportsman headphones, listening to Britney Spears' "Sometimes" because I forced her to experience some of my music--and I draw a blank. She just smiled that sweet smile, thin lips quivering. Hoping that my dreams will prove more agreeable than reality, I return her gaze with eyes closed and fall asleep. For years, she's been our ray of hope... maybe one day my dad will come back. That tiny trace of hope. When the shimmer fades, I don't know where to go from here. With a future unlit, I just...

Everyone deals with personal loss differently. For me, I don't know. Took me almost two months to address her death. I danced around it with a eulogy and convoluted entries in this journal, and with intentional brush-offs in conversation. All I know is that I have no regrets, nothing left unsaid. This past summer, I said all that I wanted to say to her. This past fall, I told her all that I wanted her to know. This upcoming winter, although I won't be able to feel the tears on her cheeks as they press against mine, the "ebb and flow" of my emotions on September 24th will still perpetuate. Every time loss is revisited, we approach life and living differently.

I have so many things bottled up inside that I doubt I'll ever learn the true meaning of living. To me, living is not doing, but rather saying... saying what I mean and meaning what I say. Words are powerful because they connect us, mind to mind, heart to heart, soul to soul. That's why we feel so in awe and moved when we meet someone who feels us, who understands us on one of these three levels.

Mind--not body, heart and soul. Imagine beauty in all three. Both my grandma and my mommy embodies this beauty; they [and I quote myself] "breathe life into our family, and love into my heart." They have what I am in desperate search for: a soul. Not even a great soul, just a soul, a spirit to call my own. However minute the steps may be, I'm willing and ready.

. 11/17/02 Frost... a xanga entry
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Intended for my upcoming recitation, Robert Frost's "Desert Places" is my favorite poem to date. I have to memorize these 16 lines soon! At first, I wanted to keep it as my own... you know like owning a quote, song, a book that speaks to us on a personal level. But after much thought, I figured that sharing his timeless words would do some good. In writing this poem, Frost shatters our silence and reflects upon the unspoken emptiness that lingers within; we're not alone. He captures the universality of loneliness in such a way that threads us together--connected by disconnection--as human beings. Besides, cliche as it may sound, there is something paradoxical about the winter season [beauty and bleakness] that alludes to our collective desert places. Reading this piece time and again, I find myself lost in me.

"Desert Places" by Robert Frost |1936
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it-it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.


AYo the Mavs [10-0] game at the Fleet Center this past weekend was frickin' off the hook!! I hate Boston sports fans. They're so damb obnoxious with their cheap beer and their wise comments like they know sh*t, yet at the start of the fourth quarter, they walk out of the arena because their "beloved" team was about to LOSE. How quickly they turn. Jacka--es. Turns me off from potentially liking the Sox, Celtics, Bruins or Pats: never. Truth and Antoine got nothin' on them white boys from D-City. Unlike the Beantown junkies who ran the ball individually, Mavs grabbed boards and heightened their chem. HA! Wrath of the chipped-tooth German and the funkdafied Finley. Wow that nappy-haired Nash has dynamic handling, and one of the nicest shooting skills in the game. I wish to make enough money [yeah yeah] so I can buy plenty of courtside tickets and just chill next to my bro and my mommy, my JB and my constants [and of course... the celebrities], cheering and screaming obscenities. By then, my boys at the Garden will be A-OKAY. No doubt. Spree's BAAAAAAAACK.

My back-to-back entries are one in the same. I should stop babbling about basketball and reflect on more important mindful matters that stimulate the brain and fuel our existence. Nah, not really. :D

11/15/02 NBA Action
WOW... my first visit to the Fleet Center was amazing. Who would have thought that the Mavericks would remain NBA's only undefeated team: 9-0? Unashamed, I'll be the first to admit I did not foresee this! BUT I've never doubted their ability, and I've ALWAYS known that Mavericks have solid chemistry--Nash, Nowitzki, Finley--since their playoff series two years back against the Ray Allen and company... hahaha Dirk chipped a tooth, remember? With the addition of Raja Bell [we can never forget his funky finish to the line for the Sixers' championship game?], and Bradley, I think this white boy dominance works! [ick Avery Johnson's nasty voice.] OMG despite Steve Nash's ability to make three's and FT's, to be a dynamic PG and shooter, his nappy hair makes me laugh. Cut that sh*t or I'll cut it for you. Tonight, the Mavs were under the basket, grabbing those boards and running the ball. AY, make ALL the difference. Celtics eh. Not Truth's night, but Walker was doing his thing while Delk hit his threes. You know, it seems like the Beantown players performed individually today, and that factor simply hurts their 6win run.

All in all, I had a good time losing my voice! :) Although we see each other every day, it's been a while since I've spent quality time with my roomies [and Ivy's bro Dana came up too!]. Too bad the boys couldn't get any scalped tickets near the arena. Sucky. Sidenote: Boston fans just annoy the heck outta me. How quickly they turn. One minute they're cussing out the opponent, the next they leave because the Celtics trail too far behind. WHATEVER. This word applies to them two-faced bassards. New Yorkers will never do that. Knicks' Garden spirit baby! When I grow up and make lots of money [haha yeah right], no more upper balcony sections. I'm going to sit courtside with my brother, my mommy, JBL and my constants, and watch some hot NBA Action. Imagine that.

Long weekend ahead? To my lovely eSPy, feel better babe. Through all the rain, you shine through. Just know that I <3 you.

AHHH I hope my brother likes his present........................... ! He better. Five weeks' worth of work went into it, and it is non-refundable! *cross my fingers*

Joey and Eddie are SO CUTE. THEY'RE SO INTO EACH OTHER. Man, I squeal just thinking about the way they hold one another's hand... they kiss so tenderly and gently and softly. YAY Oliver Hudson is such a hottie. :) OKAY I need to get a life outside of television. Dawson's Creek and Gilmore Girls, Friends and Will and Grace.

How gorgeous is Eminem with brown hair? And Mekhi Phifer... yummmmmy. He's such an a-- on ER, I love it. 8 Mile did not disappoint HAHA.

11/13/02 Impatience
I can't wait to go home. This has been the longest time I've gone without seeing my brother--three months and counting! And my mommy, gosh we'll have to leave it at that. My favorite funny fella in AA, my gals in DM, Ith and Bing, my psycho MB lover. PLUS, my brainy and brawny bubbas in the city and elsewhere, holdin' it down. I really... dambits... counting down the days is crazy. 14.

This year more than last, I've been noticing qualities in myself that I dislike. I should change my inability to express myself and my short-fused temper, my private tendencies and my unrelenting stubbornness. Such unattractive, unappealing traits. Believe you me, the list is long. But you know what? Despite my disatisfaction concerning my personal growth as a human being, I just feel trapped. Boxed-in. What I feel is what I feel. Who is to say that I must feel a certain way? Who is to say that I can't be unhappy once in a while? Who is to say that I should suck it up and suck it in, and make the most of my years enjoying myself as a college student when inside an implosion is imminent? Who is to say that thoughts and feelings, when expressed, will make me feel "better"? Some things are too overwhelming to put into words, and the magnitude is so great that even those with the most superb literary talents will do them no justice. At times, words seem unnecessary... and excessive you know? Hum. Besides, I'm not talking about cyclic self-pity or depression, but raw REAL hurt. No one can benchmark and pit my emotions against their own, nor tell me to accept life and move forth; no one has the right to do that besides me.

For me, the best consolation is not heard through the ear, but felt by the heart. Truly understanding. Be there for me, yet at the same time, let me be.

It's hard to think when surrounded by people 24/7.

Will you respect me and my space?

And I? I will do the same.

[Sidenote: racism + bigotry = degrading.]

Maybe this is what Lisa is talking about... to be truly understood by someone. AHHH will we ever find our soulmates? Hiii babe. :)

dambit ARNOLD! I miss your Chinese arse.

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." - Nietzche

11/3/02 Bitter
Even with Houston's 39 points, Knicks still managed to lose. Bassard Boston.

I've been thinking a lot about time, how I tell others "you always have time, so don't worry" but feel otherwise. We don't have time to waste, not at all. I wish I could filter time and just... it's too abstract to put into words right now. Soon though.

Blogs. I don't know why people b*tch in xanga, pouring their hearts out like it's some kind of emotional forum. As if receiving encouraging feedback will up their self-esteem or rid their insecurities, they want to be heard and understood. Honestly, if the only medium of contact my friends had with me was through a blog such as this baby right here, I don't consider them true friends at all. Pathetic. When people find enough time reading this sh*t of a page to get the lowdown of my thoughts instead of aiming or calling me, I realize the friendship is superficial. When I mention specific moments and events I want to share, and the only response I receive is "Yeah, I read it in your journal", a nerve snaps and I become utterly irritated. How do I respond to that? Good job in carrying the convo, WTF. Unlike my high school years, I stopped caring for people who don't really matter; I stopped planning get-togethers and gatherings; I stopped trying and hoping for the fruits of my labor. Exposing harsh realities, college has jaded me into a cynical recluse. Distance reveals people's true colors and no, they're not of bright hues. On the flipside, I have a handful of... wait, I'm in a bitter mood right now. No sappy stuff.

Aaliyah - Missing You. To miss someone like that. On the tip of my tongue. I don't miss people or places too easily. Sadly, I've become a professional at detachment.

HE really pisses me off. Deceitful, despicable, disgusting. Fucker.

8 Mile this week!

Last night, while walking back to Welch [my dorm] from the Devlin Hall, I had a death grip on my phone--not because I was scared, but because I wanted to call someone... anyone. Spending nearly seven hours at the studio while others went to the North End to eat, a--ed out from celebrating the Eagles' victory against the Fighting Irish, relaxed from weeks of traumatic midterms, I felt [in trite terms] "out of the loop". Approaching the forked campus quad, I caught myself muttering "What am I doing with my frickin' life?" aloud. These words slipped through the darkness, and I didn't ...

10/31/02 when art imitates life
"One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop |b.1911
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

10/26/02 Spilling Raw Guts
inhale, suspend thoughts; exhale, discard inhibitions; breathe life onto handless clocks, conquer death in sparks of forever and emerge from this box i inhabit... search for meaning. do you get me? i hope i get you. do you try? i promise to try. speak. it's not too far nor too hard. let's meet halfway. and THAT, is truth.

Spike Lee's new joint 25th Hour looks hot... can we say Ed Norton and Barry Pepper?! Let's say it together, folks.

At the plex, the rotating oblique and gyno machines are awesome. They strain muscles difficult to condition. Fantastic.

Sucky emotions tend to bounce your heart into unspoken territories, huh?

All this talk about Lebron[ZE] being the next "it" draftee, comparable to Tim Duncan. And WE GET HIM ALL TO OURSELVES. Yes boys, lose the sixty so we can start rebuilding.

I miss home so much.

Yay, happy for you bro. :) I wish things like that could happen to me ONCE in my lifetime. You think?

Live by Henry Thoreau's Walden--live simply. "I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours... If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where you should be. Now put the foundations under them." Dambits, what if we set aside time to dream our dreams? I have to read his work in its entirety!

Just when I thought I was all alone, I received an email last week that made me smile my doofy/geeky/dorky/nerdy smile. The "box" I live in grows bigger and bigger, making room for two or three. As Hallmark's Shoebox reads in one of its cards, "Being friends with you is like being given a precious treasure... and knowing I get to keep it for the rest of my life." Maybe I'll send it, maybe I won't just because the not needing to say makes it that special. This is what I mean by "meeting halfway" in a friendship. How many people do we consider to be true friends? How many?

Playing in My Mind:
Good Charlotte - Change
Tupac and Phil Collins - Hold On
Incubus - I Miss You [acoustic]
Eric Clapton - Change the World
Ben Harper - Forever
Lenny Kravitz - Again
Lifehouse - Take Me Away
Tupac - Me and My Girlfriend
Greenwheel - I Don't Believe
Jimmy Eat World [JEW] - For Me This is Heaven
JEW - Just Watch the Fireworks
Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love
Santana feat. Chad Kroeger - Why Don't You and I
The Juliana Theory - Speechless
The Roots and Erykah Badu - You Got Me
The Wallflowers - Sixth Avenue Heartache
Clipse feat. Neptunes - When Was the Last Time
Next - Too Close
Switchfoot - Learning to Breathe
Vertical Horizon - You're a God
Michelle Branch - You Get Me
Joe - I Wanna Know
Backstreet Boys - Back to Your Heart
John Mayer - Whole Again
Alvin and the Chipmunks - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Aretha Franklin - RESPECT
Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
Billy Joel - For the Longest Time
Coldplay - Shiver
Dashboard Confessional - The Brilliant Dance
REM - At My Most Beautiful

Two of the many peeves in my life [that I can think of at this moment]:
1. I LOVE people who send me great songs [THANK y'all, appreciate the lengths you travel to find such delights], but I GREATLY DISLIKE [on the verge of HATE] people who think they know so so so much about "new" or "non-mainstream" or "indie" music. Chances are other people do too, you're two years late you z100 crackhead. Just share your knowledge or discovery of these songs... don't gloat and think you're some kind of music master. I won't tolerate it, dipsh*ts. 2. I CANNOT CANNOT STAND people who judge people on a basis of appearance, using derogatorive adjectives such as busted, nasty, ugly . I don't live in a dream world where everyone is gorgeous, but everyone has potential... potential to be beautiful if given the chance to open up and express themselves from within. Again, chances are you're no Brad or Jennifer, you disgusting, shallow a--holes.

Giants tonight, game 6.

As of Friday, October 25, 2002, I am officially an English major at Boston College. The course requirements [esp creative nonfiction writing workshops] excite me! AHHHHHH this past week, I flipped out one night. Just crazy. On top of all the things circulating inside my busy peabrain, I wanted to "kill myself" or "shoot myself" [melodrama yay] for being the ultimate procrastinator and time waster. I considered chucking the huge Norton Anthology of American Literature--with its goshdamb million pages of tissue paper and heavy arse weight--out the window and just sleep. Nonetheless, life goes on. The midterm wasn't too bad, and I think I identified Thoreau wrong but that's okay because it proves that I am the ultimate BS-er. Queen of Bull + Queen of Sh*t= BS QUEEN.

It's been one month. <3 Two more.

"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words." -Calvin and Hobbes

I love breakfast food--especially omelettes with egg whites and no cheese, filled with mushrooms and ham, peppers and onions, [tomatoes are debatable] dipped in lots and lots of ketchup. Eggs with a jellied toasted bagel or a pair of lightly buttered toast make me happy. Home fries with again, lots and lots of ketchup, are GREAT. Blueberry or banana pancakes, french toasts, belgium waffles with either syrup, or strawberries [only the chunks though] and small dabs of fat-free whipped cream [because too much is yackable]. Then there's bacon, which I'm not too fond of, and sausage, which is good without the grease. Orange juice [or Passionfruit Guava!], skim milk, hot chocolate. Fruit cups and granola with raisins, muffin [with chunky pieces of fruit] tops and frosted cinnamon buns.

Something I like to call self-indulgence.

Yeah, followed by 2+ hours of horrific cardiovascular activity running .01 mph and 2+ weeks of Special K cereal. F. JKJK. Shiiites, breakfast food is inconsequentially yummy regardless of the meal time. It is by far, the best meal of the day.

Something I like to call a tummy orgy, baby.

from The New York Times Movie Review:

" 'I have a love in my life,' Barry declares in his final showdown with Dean, 'and it gives me more strength than you could ever understand.' The line gets a laugh, but it is not a joke: the laughter is a response to the grand pop-culture idealism that the movie presents without irony or apology. It might have been interesting if Mr. Sandler had departed from his usual doofus man-child persona, but what he does within that persona - infusing it with a vulnerable, off-kilter humanity that recalls such great film comedians as Buster Keaton and Jacques Tati - turns out to be even better. "

Hey, Kevin Anderson's "Punch-Drunk Love" is definitely strange, but also beautiful in its twisted eccentricity. Adam Sandler gives a great performance... I recommend it.

10/11/02 Hero
"To Luck
Everyone's favorite teen.
I look forward to reading your book.
David Sedaris"

One could imagine the experience to be incredibly insane/awesome/surreal/indescribable/unimaginable, to say the least. Meeting the quirky, small man--face to face, in the flesh--who inspires me and stimulates me in every possible way? We share the same height AND voice. I think I told him my life story in a matter of seconds. After gushing, babbling, taking a picture with my idol, to scrape the doofy smile off my face, discolor my tomato cheeks and keep composure? NO FUCKIN' WAY. I flipped.

An experience, shared... with DEe and IvES. HAHAHA Michigan hunters, the French, Bush, the rubber hand, 6 to 8 Black Men, the Jewish Conspiracy, Dame tu leche papacito, arachnoid lovers--the most boring people in the world, and more!

9/29/02 Josh
Josh Lucas is a hottie. He adds a seductive, comfortable element to the endearingly sweet "Sweet Home Alabama". AHHHHHHHH yummy. I've been anticipating this movie since Disney released its first teaser trailer over the summer, and I was not disappointed at all. [Thanks Meegs, Boram, Gail, Dee, Ives, Carol and Dinah] I teared when the adorable Reese Witherspoon kneeled on the ground at the cemetary. Then, at the wedding she said, "...I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never got it back." Holy bananas I just curled into a ball and squirmed. He'll appear in Ang Lee's "The Hulk" with Eric Bana whoo-eee next year! And yeah baby, 2003 ushers in "The Matrix". Sweating hot white a-- and movie mania have gotta stop. Not healthy for Lucky. :)

HAHAHA "FrOoTs 4 LiFe!!" uhh, can you tell me what the heys was I thinking freshman year? Thanks. Miss you lots, even though we're a 10 minute walk from each other.

9/29/02 Faxing a Eulogy
September 29, 2002

With delicate, snowy hair newly combed into place and baby-powdered, freckled bronze face, she smiles without even trying. Crossed at her lap, her hands—whose folds reveal a lifetime’s worth of experience —rest lightly as if ready for meditation. Gazing thoughtfully onto the pier, she basks in the morning sunlight. Undisturbed, she observes the fishing boats pull out from our dock and watches the stray dog dance across the rotted wooden planks, absorbing the familiar brackish atmosphere. She listens closely. Though enveloped by quietude, she is wary of everything around her. She shifts her glance from the riverbank to a mosquito that rests upon her forearm, and allows it to stay. Her eyes, always lush with emotion, met mine, and I see the twinkle…

I see a woman who lives to breathe and breathes to love. I see a sister who holds her family high above all else. I see a widow who knows that the death of one does not mean the end for all. I see a mother who remains the bellwether of her unit. I see a father who raised six children, outliving three. I see a grandmother who blesses her grandchildren with love. I see a friend who, through care and concern and selflessness, refuses to leave anyone in the darkest corners. I see a merchant whose feisty no-nonsense attitude earns her the respect she deserves. I see an entrepreneur who has built a fishing empire with her two hands. I see a genius mathematician who, without formal grade school education, calculates long division in a matter of seconds. I see a youth whose sharp memory frightens others. I see a teacher who inspires the younger generation with knowledge. I see a doctor who heals with words. I see a lawyer whose morals guide her decisions. I see an artist who has created a masterpiece from a blank canvas. I see a writer who writes her own life script. I see a fighter, a giver, a pioneer. I see wisdom, fortitude, dignity. I see humor, intelligence, determination. Honor.

I see my grandma. And damn, she is cute.

As we sit together, my mind wanders about. Beyond my honey hued skin, egg-shaped face and signature nose, I wish I shared more things in common with her. I hope that everyone and everything I see in her will be inherent in me one day. Funny, I wonder how I can love someone so much just because I can. There is no explanation, except that I do. My grandma—“Yah”—is easy to love. Despite growing up a world apart, I revel at the vacation trips our family takes to Thailand to visit her. Every time, she greets us with a hug, a kiss and slew of blessings, and bids farewell with just the same. She tells me the basics: to be a good daughter to my parents, to be a good sister to my brother, to be a good student. However, at the risk of sounding trite, actions do speak louder than words. What she does not say in words but does through actions allows me to realize many things on September 24, 2002. Experience and wisdom comes with time. Forgive, but never forget. Make something from nothing. Words are powerful. Nurture relationships. Remember the tiny details. Have faith. Have a lot of faith. Prioritize. Follow the Eightfold Path. Give to charity. Just love. Appreciate what I have. Listen to others. Defend my family. Not only survive, but also fight. Cherish memories. Life is precious.

Most importantly, life is beautiful… only when shared.

This December, I will go back to Thailand to see her again. I cannot wait. I will kneel, clasp my hands together and greet her. She will call out “Nang Luck” for me to assist her with the walker. She will give me a hug, a kiss, and bless me one hundred times over. How, you ask? My grandma breathes life into our family, and love into my heart.

Luck Watanasuparp

There's a subtle difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Why is it that my loneliest moments are when I am surrounded--whether near or far--by many? And when I am not overwhelmed by loneliness, why do I feel most alone? Alone, lost in the ripples of solitude. The task at hand is figuring out this disparity... and where I go from here. Point Blank.


I'm gonna marry the Sports Guy:


I love this one song called "Luk ter jon neau haui jai" from Tik Jessadaporn's latest drama. <3 Yes, I'm feelin' it. If I translated the track to English, it will lose its beauty. Just let it be. Wish I was there.

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, babygirl. You, Sarah and moi="three" galpal peas in a pod. Words will do injustice to how much I enshrine our friendship, so I'll just shush and let my <3 speak for itself. Miss YOU.

September 24th, 2002; 1am. Luck luk yah na ka.

Thanks Meeeg. One call was all I needed.

HAPPY 19th Dee-nise!

HAPPY 19th Carol![9/21]

HAPPY 19th Stretchy Larry![9/19]

=) Coming home.
=| Leaving home.

Always remember, never forget. The heroes, victims, survivors. The one candle I light tonight shines upon my hope and faith for one perfect city, one powerful nation, one peaceful world. Subtlely illuminated by the courage and strength and grace of others, I am so appreciative of my life and the lives around me. My prayers... God Bless America.

As I do some busy work and wait for the US Open Men's Finals to start, I watched the season opener for Jets and Bills. OMGGGGGGGGGG!! That fourth quarter was insane. HAHAHAH football is fun! Bledsoe, traded from the Patriots, completed the touchdown pass with twenty four seconds on the clock to tie the score at 31. And then after a couple of passes from Testaverde, the game enters OT. Chad Morton frickin' jets with golden toes across the yards to score instant TD. AHHHH uaoipfudiouadfdsewryuurieow!! Learnin' to love it.

9/8/02 It’s been a while.
Rudi Guiliani wrote a moving essay for TIME magazine, hoping that NYC will build a memorial for the twin towers on the entire site, “commemorating horror and heroism”. Steven Spielberg made an honest statement, asking film makers leave the events of 2001 as is, that Hollywood could/would/should not relive this history. As I finally write a letter and mention 9/11 Day of Remembrance to Mr. G, I feel an urge to update this site. Almost one year ago, I woke up late one morning and ran on the Newton bus to catch my first class of the day: first year writing seminar. With my swimming suit and towel in the duffel bag, I walked to the plex not knowing that all of our lives were about to forever change. Honest to God, I thought the front desk was watching a movie of some sort so I swam my laps until an elderly woman made startling remarks. She told me that she was scared, explained what she heard on the news moments ago and asked me where I was from. I replied, New York City. One horrified look from her was all the response I needed to jump out of the pool. As I showered and got dressed, my entire body trembled. I walked out of the locker room and approached the television set at the desk. Watching closely, I caught a glimpse of Stuy, you know the bridge that leads up to the building, and its surroundings… the river, the Brooklyn Bridge, the skyscrapers. The twin towers, however, resembled melting gray candles. At this point, everything registered and finally clicked. This was no movie, Luck. I ran to the nearest phone and dialed a slew of numbers. I jetted across campus to buy a useless phone card. I waited hours on line for a free payphone. Never before in my life have I made so many calls towards one destination: my home. Like the WTC that crumbled to the ground in a matter of seconds, my spirit crumbled in a matter of scattered moments. For hours, tears of fear and frustration streamed down my cheeks; patience became a foreign word. This is what it feels like to wait in the hospital as a beloved undergoes surgery in the emergency room. This is what it feels like possibly to lose all and everything.This is what it feels like to wait for prayers to be answered. I thought about my parents—whether they were in Manhattan, and about my brother. Repeatedly, I implored higher powers to protect my family and promised to tell them I love them with all my heart every single day 'til my last breath. I thought about friends back home—those who went to school in the city and others who remained there. I thought about my friends’ parents who worked in the city. I thought about my teachers and my high school, the younger kids I saw in the hallways from four years’ past.I thought about Sara in Georgetown, because she was the only person I knew near D.C.As I sat alone in my room, flipping from CNN to ABC to NBC, I thought until I could not think anymore, and as weird as this may sound, I felt until I could not feel anymore. An outpour of thoughts and emotions drenched my body. And for the first time, blinded by darkness, I scorned solitude.

Almost a year ago, I could not put my feelings into words. It’s been a while. As September 11th approaches, though I mourn the losses and grieve for those who have lost, I anticipate sharing and witnessing the triumphant, unified feeling with the lives around me. Years from now, I will still feel lucky to live during a time when the American spirit is as strong/free/powerful as it is.

* Slow weekend.

USA Men’s Basketball team… eh. It’s been a while since the best in the world have lost. Applauds for Argentina and Yugoslavia. Agassi vs. Sampras, surprised?? Ayo, ranked 59th in the world, the Thai tennis ace Paradorn Srichaphan is pretty good. REP. =) Ace is going to make the Thai National Team and be a bonafide superstar. Just watch. jkjk, but seriously, he would dominate that sh*t with those skills! For reals. Once his leg heals, it's OVER. Basketball in Thailand is a joke.

Second year, first semester of college will be tough. A bit daunting to think I have three years to learn the skills necessary for my future profession, whatever it may be. [Dee cracks up at Ivy and me for being big nerdy losers; we scheduled for counseling at the career center hah.] Faced with a decision to remain in Inequality in America at the risk of a lower GPA, or opt for an easier, less engaging sociology class, I have chosen the former. Ma’s advice of "get a tutor" is unfortunately irrelevant because no one can help me on a 40 page case study, right? However, I think this class is beneficial towards my personal growth [especially as an Asian American] because I will have a better understanding of the injustices in the world. Yeah, I know they are not hard to identify, but do we know why society is stratified as it is, why poorer areas tend to have more liquor stores and churches? My GPA may lower by the time graduation rolls around, grad schools might deny my entry, thus I am forced to find a whacked-out job where I’m not even awarded a personal cubicle and live poorly, but never fear… I remained true to my ideals. To give up without even trying is cowardly. It’s been a while since I’ve challenged myself academically, though I am scared sh*tless. B-b-b-bring it, I think?

Tenjin97: college is just a different point… in a long line of a pattern that’s already been woven... it takes a lot of work to change a design

My mommy says that family and friends provide a certain kind of love for us, a love though important in our lives, is much different from that provided by a lover. The world is a lonely, desolate place without that kind of warmth. Year after year, I think maybe this year will be it! Yet time after time, I understand my hope is hopeless. I wait for a special—though at this point, faceless—person, and I absolutely refuse to compromise. In all seriousness, my love is pure and I would hate to taint it with mindless crushes and pointless relationships. As humble as I am, I am an equally prideful person with a minimal amount of self-worth. Admittedly, I am heck fugly with a big nose and small eyes, hidden lids [that only come out when I’m sick] and apparent flab, an annoying voice and an uneven tan, but I know that I am quite all right on the inside. Disregard the skin-deep junk and you have this girl, this little girl whose rock heart remains radiant, whose imagination is limitless. EVERYONE can be beautiful with a new haircut, stylish clothes, some makeup, but internal beauty is innate and when acknowledged, magical. Only a handful of people meet the latter criteria, and I hope love for them… somewhere out there, they too, have someone waiting for them. It’s been a while since I’ve ranted about L. hahahah.

At the BC Bookstore, I thought about buying a book on how to write well, but decided against it. Do they help at all? Instead, I bought a used version of Annie Dillard’s The Writing Life. Ahh, I really want to write for The Heights, our school newspaper.

I am here JBL, always. :T

Absolutely aww-worthy from Never Been Kissed [1999], Josie Geller: That thing. That moment. You kiss someone, and it's like the world around you gets all hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this other person, and you know that one person is the person you're meant to be kissing the rest of your life. And for that one moment you've been given this amazing gift and you want to laugh and cry at the same time because you're so lucky you found it and so scared that it will go away. //So now that I'm ready to start living the rest of my life, it would be magical if I could live the rest of it with him. Because inside, everyone is a loser afraid to be loved, and out there is the one person who can kiss us and make it all better.

Let’s all watch Sweet Home Alabama on September 27th! Josh Lucas yummmmy. Megan, date it. And Knockaround Guys, Barry Pepper has brown hair eh?

I have been listening to a lot of soft, mellow music with tab-able chords and quality lyrics—reflective, introspective, forlorn. September Lyrics in Bits and Pieces:
Brett Detar and The Juliana Theory – The Closest Thing
… you’re the beauty that is deeper than than eyes can merely see the closest thing to perfect but the farthest thing from me and i'd love to be the shoulder that you cry on and i'd love to be the friend you call when things are great you're the dream that hasn't ended and i'm still anxious for rest your words they seem to hang above my head...
Michelle Branch [why is The Spirit Room 19 beans?!?!]– Good Bye to You
Jack Johnson and Ben Harper - Flake
Jack Johnson – Losing Hope
… losing hope is easy when your only friend is gone and every time you look around well, it all, it all just seems to change but hanging on is easy when you've got a friend to call when nothings making sense at all you're not the only one that's afraid of change.
Googoo Dolls – Big Machine
Stain’d – Epiphany
your words to me just a whisper your face is so unclear i try to pay attention your words just disappear 'cause it's always raining in my head forget all the things i should have said so i speak to you in riddles because my words get in my way i smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away 'cause i can't take anymore of this i wanna come apart or dig my self a little hole inside you precious heart…
Lifehouse – Spin
Coldplay – In Your Place
John Mayer – his entire Room for Squares cd; THANK YOU to Bri for the awesome t-shirt!

Whooo-eee I fly home 9/12 this weekend for some mommy lovin’, good food, updated videos, Sarah and then some...

Whaaat. My basketball season tickets didn’t process! Frick, but the Eagles don’t play my Huskies this year anyway.

Outside my window, the sun creeps upward from behind towering tree branches. Once again, perfect weather for a jog! It’s been a while now. 6:31 am.

After a supposed 2" trim today, my mommy's hairdresser went scissor-happy. Hair is just about 6" shorter. Shieznatz!!! I looka like-a boy. BOO yah. :(

The Cowboys' training camp on HBO is FUN.

By Christmas, I'm going to come back to NYC a changed Lucky:

1. harder worker
2. harder partier
3. more fit ... ayo shed my lbs. I have to!! Hate my state.
4. more patient
5. more caring

8/26/02 5:17 am
BD + Dude, always a pleasure. Mommy + Ace, always a family.

One meaningful word surpasses thousands of meaningless words.

I respect those who rarely speak, yet have much to say when they do. Substance. It's all about substance. These people--quiet, quirky and a bit dorky--have a clear understanding of the human mind, and observe and absorb not what they see and hear, but rather what they watch and listen to. I call them wallflowers. At school dances wallflowers are kids who stand against the wall, swaying to the music. Growing older, these kids become adults who stand outside the window of a cozy cafe, wondering what the conversation between the couple in the corner concerns. They peer into the lives of others and smile at the hopes and dreams around them, secretly writing their own life script. And each day, they cross out paragraphs and replace them with sentences; sentences with words. With keen perception, they realize that although words allow us to express what we feel inside, words also get in the way of what we really mean to say. Many times, fickle and fuddled words become nothing more than riddles. Wallflowers prefer simplicity.

With script in mind, a wallflower writes, acts out, directs his or her work. A wallflower never writes in pencil, only in pen, and never erases, only crosses out. When it is time to film, a wallflower shares this masterpiece with the few who inspire, the one or two who L unconditionally.

The wallflower's profound usage of words reflects my take on relationships: one meaningful friend surpasses thousands of meaningless friends.

8/25/02 12:49 am
My grandma is dying. I pray.

I have two days left in NYC. Megan will be my fourth roommate HAHA <3.

Joeson Joeson Joeson. Hi JOE! Thank you for today... yummy. Two SPHRs thinking aloud = no good countless sighs. Remember, pinky promises with a huge stamp is a huuuge deal.

Bowling with the Stuybies would have been more fun if I didn't suck at the toy sport. I miss ARN.

This past summer, I noticed that I have a limited world view. Lots of people to meet, places to visit, things to see. All I need is an open mind and a keen heart.

"But the world was lost inside her" (Don DeLillo, The Body Artist,37). At times I feel as if I was lost inside the world, detached from the familiar while attached to the foreign--a little tiny dot that even God has forgotten about me. There is a difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone. Question is, which of the two is "better"?

I am dead scared.

8/18/02 Unlatched
My father, man.

I heard Mr. Grossman has been named head of the English department at Stuy. If this is the case, I am so thrilled! Undoubtedly, he embraced the new position and I have the utmost confidence that he will treat the kids well. Before fall term begins, I hope to write my Morrie a paper letter.

Bozza wrote me yet another postcard... HAHA this time, on a New York City postcard he purchased during our adventure. Ahh, on one hand I want to return to my Boston bubble—away, yet…

On July 15th, 2002, the DMV made a horrible decision of granting me a license.

I have serious trust issues. To lie. I hate liars. Friends don’t do that to each other. A lie—big or small, harmless or harmful, white or not—is still a lie. Regardless of the circumstance, I am infuriated when people lie. Lying is not even necessary between close friends. All it does is create a wider rift, a quicker drift, a farther distance. In hindsight, I can’t help but think of pivotal changes that have happened, unlatching the lock on things’ past. The hurt that we feel after being lied to is incomparable to the hurt we feel after hearing the harsh reality. I prefer the latter any day, for facing reality makes us stronger human beings. Do not preach of such tenets as loyalty, dignity and integrity if we have shamefully hurt people we care about: absolutely hypocritical. Honor within oneself should be more than enough for us to realize that honesty cements trust, holding all relationships together.

Bottom line is my trust is not something with anyone should f around. Like what I wrote last year… forgive but never, ever f-ing forget.

Amel Larrieux’s voice makes me feel so vulnerable.

This week, Esther and Ray leave to their colleges; one down south, one up north. Fortunately, Esther and I ate lunches together and talked. I enjoy listening to her speak of her loving relationship with Andy, and can’t help but admire the strength and individualism she possesses. She asked me whether or not I have ever loved anyone. Underneath the layers and folds of my blindness, perhaps there is a one percent chance. Perhaps one. On another note, sadly I saw Ray for about thirty minutes this entire vacation. When I’m at school, I miss having thoughtful conversations with him. When I’m at home, I do jackshiiites to better the situation. Tomorrow, nah uh! Best wishes this semester guys. I can’t believe that the summer is almost at an end.

Stuy dinner coming soon? Stay posted. ahhhhhhh where is my extra effort? Why do other friends just call and come out the same day... instant gratification? Why must we be so efficient and orderly and plan things out weeks ahead? Oh yeah, because we are stupid STUY NERDS, ya heard. :(

I sat at the Dr. Park’s office and again, read the Oath of Maimonides that adorned the white walls of the room:
"The eternal providence has appointed me to watch over the life and health of Thy creatures. May the love for my art actuate me at all time; may neither avarice nor miserliness, nor thirst for glory or for a great reputation engage my mind; for the enemies of truth and philanthropy could easily deceive me and make me forgetful of my lofty aim of doing good to Thy children.

May I never see in the patient anything but a fellow creature in pain.

Grant me the strength, time and opportunity always to correct what I have acquired, always to extend its domain; for knowledge is immense and the spirit of man can extend indefinitely to enrich itself daily with new requirements.

Today he can discover his errors of yesterday and tomorrow he can obtain a new light on what he thinks himself sure of today. Oh, God, Thou has appointed me to watch over the life and death of Thy creatures; here am I ready for my vocation and now I turn unto my calling."

Inspiring to say the least. After he asked me if I wanted to be a physician, I told him that that was my childhood dream profession. But because in high school I struggled in subjects such as biology, chemistry and physics, I diverted onto a different path. Those subjects are killer. Aside from my gentle nature, I would be a horrible doctor. Instead, I’m more inclined to studying English, and that is exactly what I’m doing in college. With a distant look, he said that the things we did in high school didn’t matter as much as what we feel now, adding that at Bryant High School, administrators doubted his future. Well, with the growing number of patients he has, Dr. Park proved them wrong. Why can’t I—for once—prove myself wrong? What am I doing with myself? Am I ready for my second year?

My brother and I love and hate each other. While he yelled “F*ck you b*tch, who do you think you are with that attitude?” I silently gave him the finger. An hour later, we resume talking. Personally, I sometimes take advantage of his medication. Drugged up with painkillers, he is harmless. =X The operation went well I suppose, as far as surgeries go. His tumor was 2.5 centimeters deep. Thank God he is safe, though suffering from incredible pain. Hopefully he’ll fully recuperate before going back to Connecticut for his internship job.

Today, I noticed that Yui and Paul’s friend Ingoo had the most innocent and funny wave, maybe because he was dressed in a doctor’s frock. HAHA it was chuckle-worthy :) … never seen someone our age dressed in the sacred white coat before. K.

Comedy Central’s The Man Show: “Beer Stand” skit is the funniest, most whacked-out thing I’ve ever watched. OMGGG my stomach hurts just thinking about the kid with the 25 cent beer stand. It’s on my brother’s laptop.
To a lady jogger: “Hey baby, want a beer? This one’s on me, maybe later I can get on you.”
To two old ladies: Would you like a nice cold beer? It’s ladies night. B*tches drink free. I have to check your ID though. –pause- Nah, just kidding you’re old.”
To a reprimanding lady who questions his age [which is about twelve years old at most] and the propriety of the situation:
“Listen Hitler, there’s no German beer here, so move along.”
To a middle-aged housewife: “Hey toots, how ‘bout a beer? Your mouth says no, but your fat butt says yes.”
To a random guy who looks Hispanic: “Hey wassup Julio. Want a cerveza?”
To a young couple: “Hey, how about some beer? You should drink up both so your girlfriend looks better.”
To three fellas: “Up for some beer? I need to see some ID though. You guys seem like you barely have pubes.”
…and so forth.

First experience #724: H2O. Pretty wild, and almost all of the fifty heads who traveled far and wide to celebrate Paul’s birthday were out of it: buzzed, drunk, tipsy. Claustrophobia galore! I wanted to crawl into a corner, but luckily my girl Leah—who has suffered enough from my reckless driving—was there to sit in the farty sofa couch with me. [All my fault Shuey didn’t get to join. My apologies, but I got lost.] Mama Jisun [oh how I’ve missed her] was sensational at getting the festivities started, and ALL of Paul’s closest buddies including Yui, Ply, Miyoung, Nutty, Choe and Annie among others, were there to kick it with him. :D Lots of surprisingly old faces mingled with the new characters to create the perfect atmosphere. I saw ultimate captain Ruth and Dinah’s James, sweater bud Ditty and fellow 122 Academy alum Mike Lee [who doesn’t know me at all hahaha], and even met a nice gal named Heami [?].Watching people under the influence, I realized that the people I know become almost foreign. Some become more crazy and talkative, more emotional and honest while others become more mellow and submissive. Alcohol does wonders. If I ever get crunked, I would probably make complete a jacka-- fool out of myself by either crying my eyes out, dancing on tabletops, cursing out innocent standbys or the absolute worst—unburying secrets. Shh… hush, hush. But ayo due to natural highness, I would shake my rump and roll my shoulders regardless of my mental state.

Michelle Branch’s Goodbye to You appeals to many people. The lyrics on her Spirit Room debut are nice. She’s cool, no wonder Bri and Joe adore her.

Now, I shall AIM a bit, and watch Black Hawk Down on dvd. Good movie. Grade A quality war film. Ridley Scott is so the man.

From Ace’s friend’s Xanga… yeah, I tripped this quote off Illnig’s site. Such words made me choke on my own breath:
"Love is what's left when being in love has gone, okay? It's when you care about someone and you hope they're happy, but you're not under any illusions about them. Maybe that kind of love is not exciting and passionate and all those things that fade with time. All those things that you're so keen on. But in the end it's the only kind of love that really matters. " Tony Parsons - Man and Boy


To tell you the truth, you are probably my most loyal and frequent M&MS visitor... and I don't know whether to thank you for caring enough to read my gibberish or laugh at your poor taste in "literature". Either way, we would rather watch NBA classics on channel 400 right?! Suga, I just want you to know that after all these years, you're the same SPHR, overanalytical, colorblind, "Invisible Man" crooning, road raging baller I've grown to love to hate. hah thuper HATE! *slap wrist* Since those days of swimming and playing horse at the center until these days of talkchillbumwalkeateateat + -ing, you have upheld the true meaning of friendship--to selflessly give all and expect absolutely nada. And like most people who are lucky enough to know you, I can readily recall countless memories we have made, conversations we have shared, and especially the gazillion admirable qualities you possess, yet there is no need for reminders. We know the deal. Most importantly, we have proven that change and time are external factors between two special buddies. From you, I've learned that the greatest things in life come from within, and are best kept simple and shared: stop-in homefries, secret dreams, midnight rides, random heys. Thank you. Happy 19th, my constant. <3, me.

AY, Friday night the party is onnn [and Saturday and...] :) Upon request, I'm gonna give my all to "thug it" for you man--at least past 11. hahah.

8/9/02 suffix
japanese porkchops with the fellas and a mama. pad thai with an estro. late night chao zhou runs with MY mama.


heaven help me

I seem to have it pretty easy... WTF right? Afterall, my family has money, my parents are well-respected in the Thai community, my brother is one hale of a catch, my future is bright. What's a little dysfunction when everything else falls into place? Many people have it worse. OTHERS, burdened by financial problems cannot attend the school of their choice. OTHERS, scarred by abuse live in constant pain. OTHERS, plagued by deadly disease like cancer and hiv are weak and sick. For the longest while, I've viewed my problems as relatively insignificant. I've learned to live a life that looks far into the future [hoping that the fruits of my labor will compensate the struggles now], as opposed to the present: to suck it up and suck it in. You know, something called out of sight hope. Both hopeful and hopeless at the same time, my heart feels heavy with emptiness when instead, it should feel nothing. Well that nothing weighs an awful lot. Doesn't make much sense at all. Every day, I am surrounded by many, yet I feel lonely. Listen. I am directed by my dreams, yet I feel lost. Care. I am loved by the few that matter, yet I feel empty. Understand. In my darkest moments, I deal with the hurt in my heart, shield the tears that swell in my eyes alone. Jaded. Heck if I can announce to the confused, little girls and boys who contemplate suicide, I'll scream out loud, HOPE! YOU ARE A SPECIAL PERSON. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. ALL PROBLEMS ARE IMPORTANT, REfrickin'GARDLESS. ALL. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, YOU ARE LOVED, AND HAVE YET TO DISCOVER LIFE'S HIDDEN TREASURES. BUT BECAUSE THE MOST CERTAIN THING IN LIFE IS UNCERTAINTY, DON'T BE TOO HOPEFUL OR TOO HOPELESS. JUST HAVE HOPE. AND IF YOU FIND THIS DIFFICULT, I'LL GIVE YOU HOPE. HOW? THE BEST AND ONLY WAY I CAN... I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND. ALWAYS. That's what I would tell 'em.

A girl like me should cherish and be grateful for what she has; she should value and appreciate what she does not have because one day, if she ever receives those things, they will mean so much more. The thing is, I can't help but hope for more. My out of sight hope is that one day, there will be no need for the suffix -ful nor -less in my life, that hope will just be that, hope. It keeps me going.

8/5/02 .thoughts.
HAPPY BELATED 19th BIRTHDAY to AMY (one week)! I must send her card, AHHH.
Paul's birthday is coming up. What to do??
Michael Kim on espn. I didn't know!!
John Mayer's Your Body is a Wonderland. Mellow and cute.
Colombian food is yummy. OMG I have to go back!
Hi LEAH!! :) We miss Sarah. Ellen and Shuey are funny.
Do guys like girls who dress up? Do girls like guys who dress up? I don't know. Bri and bro say it depends on the guy. I guess dressing up makes the person look classy and attractive, sophisticated. But every day? I can't do that because it's not my style, though I should start some time. My old age. :T
How is Mr. Grossman doing?
Where are my elementary school friends... Sandra, Liana, Michelle, Victor, Joey, Martin, Neelma, Kimika?
Sophomore year of college approaches in less than one month. Ready?
What if what I like to study and do isn't what I should do, isn't what I am good at?
What if I did pre-med? What if I gave it a shot? What if I followed my childhood dream of becoming a doctor?
What if I died? Would anyone feel a void? Would things be better?
L doesn't make people blind; L makes people see more clearly. Nah I'm wrong.
I can fall in L twice with the same person. The first time, L for the friend in you; the second time, L for the lover in you.
Eric Clapton is awesome. Tears in Heaven.
I'm going to bring my Fender up to college and ask my friends to re-teach me some chords.
Why is dark and black associated with dirty? Who thought of that? And fat associated with ugly? Who thought of that? Why is society based on these ideologies?
I hope mommy stays with us forever.
Tik Jessadaporn Poldee is SO HOT: charming, eloquent, adorable. Hugo has a nice voice. Willy McIntosh is still whooo-eee, just like Keanu Reeves. If I can meet Keanu, I would... "talk to him".
Dramas allow me to escape reality one video at a time.
I will remember you.
Don't you want to just slow dance with someone? Be that close. Move with the melody. Touch palm to palm.
My mommy said that when I was little, I begged her for food. "Mommy please, eek nung chawn. Na, mommy please. Please." I would bite my lip and pout until she caved in. I was a chubby, fat kid. Was, am... same thing.
Ace's leg will be okay. :(

8/3/02 don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone - janet jackson [featuring q-tip and joni mitchell]

"Idiocy is the essence of the male mind." --Suzie, of Calvin and Hobbes

MrXbiscus: lucky
SmiShy: yo connecticut!!!!!
MrXbiscus: yo

--Boz is my good buddy from BC. Cool cat. I call him Connecticut and he calls me Queens. We aim a bit about our summer ventures, our jobs [he works at the uhh "BMC" golf course], his planned trip to the big apple, etc. until he starts with the stories...

MrXbiscus: listen to this
MrXbiscus: these kids at work are big uconn fans, and guess who this kids favorite player was
SmiShy: who who?!
MrXbiscus: one ace wantanasuparparanaroni
SmiShy: no way
MrXbiscus: yea
MrXbiscus: theyre like, that little asian dude?
MrXbiscus: he was the man!
SmiShy: ... and to think that you and i know the little asian dude!
MrXbiscus: youve met him?
SmiShy: more than once actually


"20's with the rims, b-custom kitted Bently and everything we do, they assist like Jamaal Tinsley" --FB, Stylin'

Although I heard it's full of factories and a bit run-down, I'm going to visit Bristol, Connecticut--birthplace of my beloved espn--soon. Really.

When I hear f*ck, wtf, monkey f*ck, motherf*ck, fat f*ck, I ALWAYS turn around. And look. One day, someone's gonna knock my face. When I hear "suck my ch-ch/peens/d*ck, sh*tface!" I pull a Kramer and glance around. I keep thinking that people are talking to me, calling out my name, but no. Stupid Luck.

Having the chance to see the many faces I've missed = a blessing [...Arn, Leah, Cindy, Mike, Wilstocks, his bro, Larry, Ray, Andy, Joe, his bro, Mary and lots of nice new people.] Everyone looks older hahahah. The entire trip down to Brooklyn, I prayed for rain. Darn you! I really don't like the beach because of the scary sun, but I must admit Manhattan beach on Sunday was wonderful: learned how to suck in ERS, tossed a bit, took pics. A nice nice nice Calvin dude opened his house to us, and we watched tv, attempted to play Monopoly, ate pizza, talked. While the rest played Mafia, Leah, Cindy and I went online to check out prices to Wildwood, NJ. We're planning a trip for Stuybies! Come one, come all. :)

Since I was wee old, I've found comfort and shade in the trees outside my house; they provided peace of mind and protection from the evil, evil sun. They mean much more to me than that though. I just can't describe what I feel inside. While taking pictures from my window, a knot in my heart grew tighter and tighter. I remember during every summer I rode my bike and dribbled basketballs underneath them. During the fall, Ace and I hated raking the red and yellow and purple and brown leaves. During the winter, our family came out to shovel the snow--frost-bitten and all. During the spring, we'd watch the naked branches dress themselves in green. I remember innocence and much much more, a time when my family was happy. Yeah. For almost seventeen years, the three trees marked my life in Woodside, and now they are gone. The parasitic Asian longhorn beetles have been eating them up. Thus, the government environmental officials must chop chop chop. Because I am easily attached to the familiar and the comfortable, I feel a sense of loss, as if my childhood and adolescenthood ended today. Why today? I don't know... those trees. Gone. As with all changes, we move on and keep going right? Extremely cliche, yet entirely true.

7/27/02 “Shit for Shit”
At work, just as customers mill in and out, thoughts adrift. Fearing my forgetfulness while peering out the 1st Avenue East 90th street store window, I began to mark these random thoughts down. On the train, doors open and close in sync with the words that swirl around my mind. I took out the bushwhacked lined paper and wrote some more. Below is a revised version of my scribbles I saved from the other day:

I waver back and forth between what I think, what I believe, what I feel. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am a thinker, and contradictory as it may seem, a cynic and a dreamer. I am one of those passive, quiet wallflower types who value relationships of all kinds, but I'm also a wacky, dorky fool at heart. I am one of those pathetic hopeless romantics who, from the looks of things, will remain ass-less for life. What sets me apart from other PHR’s is I don’t complain too much, I don’t use the L word too often, I don’t fall too easily, diving in head first into the obvious sea of rejection. Only one equation makes sense to me:

life/(words + writing + honesty + music) = self-expression.authenticity

Yes, that’s just about .02% of who Lucky is. If someone is patient enough to listen, I pitch in my two cents, something I call “sh*t for sh*t”; tell me your quality sh*t and I will tell you mine.

A fellow PHR, I constantly romanticize about L, creating a picturesque image of the four-letter word. My topic of choice never seems to bore me. Surprise, surprise. Though I may be all theory, no practice nor game, I find it to be interesting. No matter how many times we break up and make up, fall in and fall out of love, one person remains lingering in our memories. Someone whom we, at certain instances, feel betrayed enough to want to erase from our past: the one… the one we fell so hard for. Nine times out of ten, he or she was our first love. Perhaps the novelty and excitement and discovery of something new intrigue us, exchanging vows of “012”, “forever”, “always”, spending close to a year—or seriously investing several more with that person, all to taste slight bitterness in the end. First love wounds may hurt more, heal slower than any emotional or physical scar we have ever experienced, but unrequited first love wounds exceed all else. What we thought was love really wasn’t… or was it?

What we have to look for is real love, the real shit—or something as close to it as possible. I am talking about a relationship that may lead to marriage. Someone we will sacrifice anything for because his or her happiness is our happiness; none of that idiotic poetic garbage like jumping off a cliff proclaiming our love or BS of that sort, but rather the simpler, more realistic stuff. Someone we will protect from harm and refuse to neglect in his or her darkest hour. Someone we will listen to for hours on, our neck cradling the phone until dawn. Someone we meet in our dreams each night. Someone, whose mere glance at another being instills anger, then pain, followed by confusion and eventually, insecurity. Someone, whose gentle touch at any given moment warms the heart and evokes forgiveness. Someone, whose facial structure we can outline—blindfolded. Someone, whose sheer ability to stimulate us emotionally and spiritually, physically and mentally makes life worth living. Eternally.

If I could find one special match for each of the special people in my life, I would conduct introductions in a heartbeat. You and you, and you, and you and you. Y’all know who you are, and deserve nothing short of the best. I firmly believe that time will do its thing. The only problem is this wait is a search, and this search is a personal journey. All I can offer to my dearests is Lucky love and support. <3.

All right, I lied. I’m not only a PHR, I’m a SPHR: “super” pathetic hopeless romantic. No apologies for this sh*tting.


During my first year in college, I've spent my free time surfing the web, usually reading's Page2. Bill Simmons' archives are the greatest. How awesome would it be to marry him?! <3 AHHH.

I love watching beautiful jumpers. I would rather be making them, but watching others is almost as satisfying. Currently, 8/10. It's all right without the drive and inside game; the arch, release, follow through from along the paint compensate.

Thanks for the late-night ice cream, Paul :) and midnight basketball entertainment from POh and DChoe. HAHAHA take that shirt off! ahah Jeff hit a shot too. Oh, where's Ray and Mike and Cindy? I shall see Leah today wheeeee. "Yeahhh baby, yeahhh!"

7/24/02 10pm
when i say "go away and never come back" i don't mean run away

A forget everything, feel-good day. After I worked from 6-11 at the store with Ace, I realized that even an awesome guy like him has insecurities; he deserves only the best. Our shift together was pretty funny. He asked me questions beginning with, "so does a girl..." and "when a guy...". Cute huh? I gave him honest answers. Yep <3. He told me my hub a bub to be has to fight him, and allow freebee blows and punches. Crazy guy. Thanks to Boz (my buddy from BC) and his friend Brian (from Connecticut), we tore down the streets of Manhattan until our legs died. They made me forget everything with laughter and I "chilled" out. As guide, I took them to...
Port Authority. 34th Street. MSG. B&H photography madness. Fun Pass. Ground Zero. Battery Park. The Hudson River. Stuy. Water. Chinatown. ESPN Zone. Bristol, Conn. Soho to Noho. Empire State Building. Irish Famine Tribute...what the? Tad's Steak. Golf stories. Dominique. Work. Reluctant good byes. A polaroid picture to capture the moment.

7/23/02 12:37 am
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time

-- W. H. Auden

* be one of the disappearing stars. To disappear. To die. To feel the sky's sublime.

7/21/02 early morning
You probably don't visit M&MS much, since you know... there's no need. Actually, this journal is more and more of a private site nowadays--because no one reads it anymore--and I'm happy. Man, I just want you to know that you are one of the few people in this crazy world I give a hoot about. And although we've reached great highs and treaded the pits of friendship, I'll never forget the growing pains we've shared as young adults. I admire and respect the person you are, and the man you're about to be. After all these years, the Dude/Dudette connection proves that our bond is something REAL and to me, beautiful. After all, there is always beauty in imperfection. Oh, we can't neglect the JBL now can we? Happy 20th my constant. <3, me.


Shuey, you deserve the bestest. HAHA *fling-a-ding-a-ling* Come back already Bri. Miss YOU's lately: eSPy and Paul, Arn and Leah, Ivy and Dee, Andrew and Bozza [Ayo Connecticut. Waddup Queens.], Yui and Esther, Hands and Redbreast.

Dee's boyfriend Bry shared a quote with me earlier, and it's pretty cool:
"You're one of a kind, so I guess that makes you kind of the one." -Dre from Outkast

7/19/02 Back to Basics
Shuey, Arn, Jisun, Leah... etc. Stuy. Little time, but time WELL spent doing nothing. hahaha we always EAT. This entire summer, I took for granted the many opportunities to go out and meet my REAL buddies. A huge disappointment on my behalf, you know? I'm an idiot, staying home the way I did, but I don't regret it because family comes first. Regardless of how rare I say that I care and how little time we spend "chillin' " with one another, I hope they know that I TRULY CARE about our friendships; I miss my buds <3. High school ended last year, but WE will last for years to come. Solidity. I just pray that they'll always be patient with me, and forgive me for my mistakes. Ah, no fears.

With the need to clear my head, I headed out to St. Sebastian's Parish Center, but opted for the gym instead of the usual swimming pool and machine room. For at least five to six days of the week, I would run up to three miles on the treadmill, do two hundred sit-ups, leg extensions and arm lifts each day. [Shows how much time I have in my hands eh. I even met Cliff, this George Costanza thirty year old music teacher who introduces himself and offers a crepload of personal info that quite honestly, I don't give a rat's arse about. Listening to someone I don't want to deal with and standing there sweaty, ready to take a piss at any second, I wanted to shoot myself. And to top things off, he has the nerve to say to me, "Wow, you're young... almost the same age as the kids I teach." uhh NO SH*T SHERLOCK, I just want to pee. Go cardiovasc at Lucille Roberts you shmoo! He's a nice guy, but a total wack-job.] My attempt to lose weight is pathetic because I eat eat eat like a monster afterwards... WT"F". HAHA yeah I annoy myself. The pounds shift back and forth. And the greens have got to go. I've eaten so much lettuce and all I feel like a GIRL. Dieting is a biznatch, so I've decided to screw it and just work out, exercise, play sports, have fun, be healthy, eat. Anyhow I'll save more of this ear-friendly ranting for later. For over an hour, I took jumpers and free throws all over the paint. With each shot, I replayed conversations, thoughts, images in my head. As always, I debated and reminisced of years' past, of the present. When I miss, I become more frustrated with myself and the thoughts in my mind run wild. When I swoosh, I am elated and my mind clears, like Claritin for the sinus. It has been over six months since I've touched a ball and boy, did it feel great. Although I didn't make a 10/10 today, I felt satisfied and relieved with the monumental release.

Basketball. What a sport.

"I guess I'm looking for answers to questions under the stars." -DMB

7/19/02 T is for Today
Lots on my mind, but I will not complain. Towards the end of last week and this week, I emerged from "hermit hideout"/Parish Center/"work"/family [definitive of how I've been spending my summer] into society, and let me just say that it has made me more appreciative every single moment I talk to/spend time with the people I care about.

Lately, I wish I've been getting along with my brother more so than ever. We suck. I pray for...

Seeing Paul and Annie, Miyoung and Joe, David Choe and Ply, Jenny and Nutty, Abigails and new faces... wow. Little things make me =).

Straight up and out, I am not a Broadway kinda gal. Movies, yes. Musicals and plays... not really. In fact, I haven't gone to a show in a long, long while. But to my delightful surprise, today has been truly enjoyable. With rush tickets in hand, the usher directed us to the second row. Imagine being that close to Jeffrey Wright and MOS DEF!! Incredible experience. In the acclaimed Topdog/Underdog, Wright shares the stage with the multi-talented Mos Def, who proves himself to be much more than just a lyricist. Wah-ows the show is HOT. Circling the bold concepts of pride, brotherhood, $$$, 3-card monte, etc. the two-man show relies on a captivating script and--since this is a drama/comedy--on par comedic timing. Hales yeah those fellas deliver! During the trainride home, I can still remember one of the lines, something like... "He's so good, he attracts flies from fresh sh--." hahaha I don't recall the exact words. Good times, good times with good food, good show and most importantly, good company :). Ah, I hope Dude enjoyed the performance and city "culture" as much as I did, and ushers in the big two zero buzz-friendly style. Suh-pluuurge!

Ayah. You know The Vagina Monologues off-Broadway? The script is a slight variation of the book. Well there's a piece that involves the the c-word. One of the actresses performs the "cunt" monologue, and it is hilarious. Crazy crude. For what seemed to last almost ten minutes, the lady moans and groans, "C-U-N-T! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT!" all the while touching herself in weird icky places. eee. The three actresses are funny, especially the Cookie Monster lady from Sesame Street. Remember her? She's hispanic with short curly hair, and now in her late thirties, married with kids. With a straight face, she adds side comments and says in response to the devil c-word, "I thought C was for cookie." All right, so you had to be there. Lots of vaginas, with a coupla peens.

2002 ESPY Awards... hilarious, fun, exciting... where actors and athletes merge. My kinda awards show! Derek Jeter's confessional with Sam Jackson as his Jedi coach. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

7/10/02 Anthem
I feel:
BareNaked - Jennifer Love Hewitt
did you ever have that dream when you're walkin' naked down the street and everyone just stares did you ever feel so deep that you just speak your mind but other strangers sleep you wonder if anybody cares sometimes i think i'm the only one whose day turns out unlike it had begun and i feel i'm bare naked and i just can't take it i'm getting jaded no i just can't fake it anymore cuz i'm barenaked and i know life's what you make it wish i could float away to some other day did you ever go downstairs to start your day but your car's not there yeah you know the joke's on you did you ever try your luck with a pick up line but you just suck you tell yourself it wasn't you and i know it's hard to hold it inside it's days like these i run and hide when i feel

These lyrics speak volumes about my most inner thoughts, my insecurities. I have so many. Where is the strength?

Thank you for the encouragement, Anniepants. Always, always.

7/7/02 Angry, yet again.
HAPPY 19th ROBIN bebe!K-K-K-Katie Hands!

As corny as it may sound, our lives truly shadow those celebrities who appear on MTV's Diary: "you think you know... but you have no idea." No one really knows the ins and outs of our lives, nor our deepest darkest secrets even if we tell them "everything". No such thing.

Y'all have no idea what I think, how I act, why I do the things that I do... and applicable to most, even who I am. My approach is beyond the flaky aphorism "what you see is what you get". Even if we keep it real, no one can deny that the human mind is complex and layered and magnified to the n'th degree. Everyone on this earth who lives and breathes is multi-dimensional, our persona masked by the decisions we make, the things we outwardly express as well as the silence we inwardly attribute.

...I have my reasons. If people know me at all, I go out occasionally, when there is a set plan [and if plans happen to alter that's all right too]. I meet those who matter to me. I spend my time wisely, mostly with my family and friends. FRIENDS. I hate wasting time on indecisiveness. Ex. After hanging around in large groups of twenty or thirty [yeah, because that's cool]--four fifths of whom we have no intention of meeting or knowing--talking about nothing, inhaling cigarette smoke, we wind up doing jackshites. Freak that. Cusssssssssssssssssssssssss. Cuss. Cuss. If staying true and being LUCK makes me an antisocial, party-pooping, hermit bitch, then so be it. Though there is no harm in being friendly, I don't need to devote my summer in meeting 2084324832084298 people and befriending newbies. Heck, I have trouble keeping the dear buddies I already have. Gotta concentrate on that. I am angry, at myself for letting others get to me, and at others for assuming. I should probably to keep a pen/paper journal, but until then, this site is my anger management outlet. FUCK YOU to those who think they know shit about me. Nothin'.

Soon, I will bring down M&MS for good. No more. Misunderstood. Words.

6/29/02 3:02 am and thinking...
With much thought for the first time, I've compiled a list of qualities I want my bub to have. I ask for only one thing, and that is L.

My dream guy is someone who loves and understands me... for all time.

The tricky thing is, this one request has three parts. Love and understanding work hand-in-hand. Two people may love one another, but without understanding, the relationship will not survive and true love cannot exist. These past few years, I've witnessed a lot of sh-- to prove that investing our love and life into ONE person is no joke. Therefore, when I include "for all time" after the ellipsis, I mean the most absolute and pure and unconditional form of L: always and forever, constantly and undyingly. And in turn, I promise to love my bub with all of my Lucky <3, understand him with all of my Lucky ability... for all time. That's all.

6/28/02 RR for Really Random
Paul McCulloch I-walked-while-playing-streetball Oh, I hope that everytime you ball, you end up nameless like Jason Richardson today. You pw whore! I hate you. In fact, you make Layden seem like a bonafide super hero. :)

On to more IMPORTANT matters...

The big guy in the pilsbury suit who sat with Caron during the interview with Craig Saiger was his brother! I thought he was the bodyguard or something. Damms he's huge. Ace asked me if I saw any of the team mates and I said nah. He's like they were there. Nah uh, I repeated. He said, did you see Butler do the S sign with his fingers towards the center? Nodding, I answered, yeahh to the section next to us. He explained that that's the UC sign. hah oh gosh I'm so stupid because all the while I was thinking, what the heys is S? In any case, Ace told me that those two go everywhere together. Caron and "Hawk" are gangsta. When the team hits the strip joints, clubs and bars, everyone backs the hale away. Godfather Part XVI Huskies style. Kinda has its perks huh.

My second favorite picture of senior night: Team

I have many many secrets and stories... next time, we shall discuss those "hot white girls" whom college ballers refer to as "jumpers". Hold on to your G-strings and jock straps for the time being.

Movie quote of the day:

Jerry: Love gives you wings. It makes you fly. I don't even call it love. I call it Geronimo. When you're in love, you'll jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care, screaming "Geronimo" the whole way down. I love her so bad, I just... whoa, she wrecks me. I'd die for her. - [[Conspiracy Theory, 1997]]

I want to feel geronimo.

I remember Arn's entry last week,

"Thursday, June 20, 2002
check it out waffles they call me a-train... ebc tourny .. muy muy hot. pros and locals play at the tourney n they got awesome announcers who give em nicknames if they're good enough.. b davis formerly "b diddy" now "It's Too Easy" jus got his new nickname the other day.. dont think the name needs an explanation"

put it together with Jeff's commentary, and realized that they're talking about the same EBC. *lightbulb flickers* I got a chance to watch it today on MSG. Yeah, might I add that Eve was present, bra-less as always, to support Ruff Ryders. Pretty good stuff.

My brother has the same mentality as me when it comes down to baseball. His friend wanted to go to the game really badly today, and was a bit annoyed that they ran late.

C: Yo, it's already 7:30. By the time we get there they'll be in the 4th inning.
A: Whaaat. Who cares?? Baseball is frickin' four and half hours long. You're not missing much man.
C: No it ain't yo. You two tricked me by taking your sweet-a time.

Let's agree on one thing. Baseball is one long-arse game. Exciting, yes. Long, YES YES YES.

Thought of the day: Since we're almost past our teen years, shouldn't pimples and acne leave us alone and attack the younger crowd ? You know, those guys who walk around thinkin' they're the sh-- when they weigh 90 lbs and those girls who get studio blur-my-nose-and-air-brush-my-face-while-i-pose-in-compromising-positions portraits done? Hey, we've served our time; it's only fair.

Movies movies movies, preferably at a non-shoebox theater. Can't wait for the release of Ang Lee's Incredible Hulk with Eric Bana whooohooo. Remember the tv show?

Is it unhealthy/abnormal to work out every day?

If I had a pedicure done, they'd have to charge me 100 beans extra for grossness. My feet are super nasty after wearing flip flops every day in T-land.

With no preference over who wins, I shall watch the rest of the subway game now. Shitenuts I must be bored to have written this much.

6/27/02 R for Random
2002 draft. UNREAL. vip section. crep of all days no camera! they seem bored. go china china! picks 1-4 check. the rest deserved more whaaat's from my mouth. esp. for lucky #7. foreign flavor. surprises. #10 wheee... i pissed notorious big in front of me with my shrieks. knicks/denver trade is all right. fire layden? fire layden anyway. random personal insight from sports guru yay thanks. craig saiger is creepy. what sister? dick vitale is "czar". charles barkley is a riot. no one hugged david stern. an experience all in itself... shared.


On the Surface

WNBA players are hardcore ballers. WOW beasts with breasts.

Remember kids, according to Suga, "super niceness" = " oh ghad NEGATIVE"; and thank you Sah-rha, I need to email back with stories! Good thing I realized your dM email address isn't porn. Bring home a FOB... or not. :) uh huh.

Always the quiet, polite ones. Dude, you may be a laid-back kinda guy, but when it comes down to sports... HAHAHAH. We just won't go there.

Do most babes have secret crushes on dorky, quirky guys? Even if it's teeny eeny, admit it.

Guys check out girls and ALWAYS do the double take. The eyes wander and the neck rolls! The male brain sends signals to its peripherals: follow the pretty face and bangin' body until she is out of your line of vision. I know. When girls check out guys, we don't stare as much--a glimpse. An attractive bub is just some kind of passing scenery... right? Is this some kind of unspoken rule? WHY?

Cheerful smiles will earn you free nuggets at Mickey D's! It did joke. Try it.

What does a kiss taste like? I assume sweet, plump strawberries with a hint of Kozy Shack Rice Pudding. mMhMmm yummy. What does a kiss feel like? I assume always as exciting and terrifying as the very first. wheeee.

Nelly's rhymes are funny. He is sooo not thug compared to the E/W coast rappers. Outkast and Ludacris too. Gotta love the Luda. You know, dirty south flavor. Now Lil' Bow Wow... yikes. What if he starts a Nas/Jay-Z rivalry with Lil' Romeo? I wonder what will happen. Assuming that Rome could reach the gas pedals, he can run over Bow with his mustard colored Benz. I know everyone watched that episode of Cribs. [By the way, Like Mike seems like a quality, award-winning film. Bravo, bravo Bows. uhh... I just want to watch it for Dirk's cameo. hahahah]

Colin Farrell is the IT supporting actor. Spend money wisely and watch Minority Report starring the all-time IT actor and IT director.

Cuteness outlasts hotness. I think a cute person will grow to be more beautiful and attractive with each moment we spend with 'em; it's endearing and enduring. Hotness is fleeting, simply hormonal.

Our generation requires visual aid. Not stimulation, but aid. That's why webcams and digital cams are increasingly popular. When describing someone, something or somewhere, photographs become a necessity because they save us the trouble of mental imagery. Pictures provide us with understanding and precision, yet rob us of imagination.

Some love songs cause tingles all over. Don't you just love them? Soluna's For All Time gives me chills.

Can we make the Neptunes' signature sound with our mouths? The high sound. That'd be super cool. Then, bassard whistlers wouldn't think they're all mighty, talented big boys because whistling isn't the sh--! I'm just jealous.

more tingles = DJ Sammy & Yanou Featuring Do. - Heaven [Yanou's Candlelight Mix]

I have TKBC: Typical Korean Boy Complex. Guys with Timbs and baseball caps [mostly with Yankees logo] scare me. Maybe because I know they know I'm retarded and geeko and fugly. I need therapy.

[Then again, maybe it's just me.]

6/22/02 hMm
How do I become something I am not?

What if what I've been waiting and hoping for turns out to be an illusion?

Are the colors of L really murky? murky GRAY?

6/22/02 B for Buddha
On a certain level, my trip back to Thailand has been spiritual journey. IT hits me big time.

The cause of all pain and suffering is ignorance. - Buddha

What I don't understand about many people--not all, just some--is their enthusiasm to shove teachings in others' throats and recite bible verses around the clock, yet reject every other denomination. I listen when they educate me of the power of Christ, and in return, although I do not ask for respect for my beliefs, I would expect a little acceptance. After all, the core of most religions is acceptance and compassion and understanding. Cringing with disgust and apathy at the mere mention of monk or >i>Buddha or temple is inhumane. Quite honestly, I'm tired of defending Buddhism to those ignorant individuals. At a visit to a church years back, I was shocked at the misconceptions its youth group had. All joking aside, I didn't appreciate being accused of one who "worships a statue and charms". And one more thing. I understand that everyone is entitled to pick and choose qualities in their future mate. You know the usual adjectives: loyal, funny, charming, cute, Christian. Gotta stick in the Christian in there huh? To outrightly say "I can't marry a non-Christian" is the same as saying "there's no way in HALE I'm gonna marry a black dude/mama". Doesn't sound too awesome does it? Yeah. Can we say prejudiced? Subtle bigotry. Next time we honor our criteria aloud, use prefer. "I prefer..."

(While we're on the topic of preferences, no one ever makes the list interesting. Always the same ol' goody-two shoes, serious, mind-bending crep. I prefer a wife who looks like a horse and smells like octopus arse OR I prefer a husband who picks body wax with C-Town cotton tips and shites every other hour // I prefer to give birth to a wise crackin', George Carlin kinda funny, trailer trash kid who runs around butt-naked on our 2x2 "lawn"// I prefer to drive a-- eh ride a tricycle // I prefer to live in a deserted shack infested with roaches, and hide money in my fridge like the gal from Coyote Ugly... but anything will do.)

In any case, that cut-throat absolutism won't do us any good, especially since the future holds nothing but surprises [which might just blow our minds]. Besides, am I not good enough to be YOUR mate because I'm not Christian? Does that make me such a bad person? Religion. Makes ya wonder.

Damms, I'm beginning to think I sound like Gammons and baseball with each and every piece I write, blowing smoke over mindless nothings. What the... yucky.

I'll bet everyone's at Seoul Plaza or NYNY or whatever cheering for Spain // Raul. :)

How did Dunleavy shuffle around as top three? And Caron as high a pick as #6? Mock draft picks reveal the Wilcox going to us. That sexy huge mofo pofo. Power forward! We need a big banger baby. "aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiites" =)

Happy 19th Birthday to my June babies: Shuey [6/1] and Smellens [6/8], Yui [6/16] and Horace [6/21]!!
Boo Lakers.

6/2/02 Short Leave
Spinning in my head :: Five for Fighting - Something About You; 98 Degrees - Why (Are We Still Friends); Blessid Union of Souls - Let Me Be the One; Avant - Make Good Love; Mos Def - Ms. Fat Booty; Lenny Kravitz - Stillness of Heart; Brian McKnight + Mariah Carey - Whenever You Call; Billie Myers - Kiss the Rain

SAT II's = nostalgia

thank you for your voices today :: Dude - Ivy (WSG) - AnnieDitty - Redbreast - Hands - Paul - Arn - Mike//"Tomato" - LeahHiroshima - Shueyandy - SmellsJi

I miss Sarah Esther Park. :(

Sac! Tape the Finals please. Draft.

<3 Keanu

5/31/02 Orange Balls
Such form, such grace, such precision. Allan, you are beautiful.

"Since when did you become a Nets fan? Just because Nets are good this year. And don't tell me, 'I like Jason Kidd, and he's on the Nets so...' Everyone pulls that crap and deny jumping on the bandwagon."

* Ace and I haven't spoken much lately because of something, but we did manage to watch a recent Nets game in a civilized manner. HAHAHA he's so funny when he's pissed at the players, especially when they miss their free throws. "It's your f-ing job! You're getting paid millions of dollars to shoot the ball. And if you play for a living, meaning that's what you do all day long and nothing else, then what the fock. Shoot the ball... da heck? I just don't understand sometimes."

He speaks of Lucious Harris and Byron Scott--awesome info! And explains to me why JKidd covers his nuts on several occasions. Yes, I know the boxing out position, and yes, I know he draws niiice charges. What I DID NOT know was that ballers must protect their jewels too (from getting kneed and what not), just like them lazy ball hitters. Baseball players have cups, but basketball players are manly men--raw and au natural. yah. Anyways kids, the point is: basketball solves everything, even sibling quabble babbles.

I had said the IDEAL match-up would be Nets vs. Kings? This could be it. The main reason my brother and I are reluctant to go away during this time is... we will miss the Championship series. Cuss us. afkafjajwueral;jdfl;aksj. And for two weeks we're gonna be stuck watching reruns of Baywatch at ah paw's house in Thailand [after we visit our other grandma down south], swatting mosquitos and hiding from the evil sun. *tears with a cringe* oh lala David Hasselhoff's oily, hairy chest. =( TIVO magic shall be lovely right about now. That, or global NBA broadcast for the next two weeks. If only.

Baldy Bibs is a component of an awesome post-season backcourt and #5 is just heart baby. hah at least Kenny tries, reaching in like that. Please. :D

5/29/02 heart
"You know how someone's appearance can change the moment you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? All you want to do is be near them." -from The Truth About Cats and Dogs, 1996
*Classic "uh huh" movie quotebite.

All that i want is
stillness of heart
so i can start
to find my way
out of the dark
and into your heart.
Stillness of Heart by Lenny Kravitz
*Rock on Lenny. I feel you.

5/27/02The Matrix Reloaded
Because of my 56K connection and QuickTime plug-in error, the trailer teaser [[]] keeps teasing me with:
1. Keanu's beautiful face. <3 He opens his eyes.

2. Morpheus [Laurence Fishburne] reveals, "I believe it is our fate to be here. It is our destiny..."

2 1/2. Trinity does some karate kid move. [Carrie-Ann Moss is cool, but gets only a half. She does not deserve a picture. Nope.]

3. Neo, sleekly and stylishly dressed in black, sexxxily ominous in shades, is in the air kung-fu, a..-kicking.

... and the rest gets cut off. That's all. That's it. That's that. AHHHHH ajfaiourwionalnzvzsjaklj!!! I must get myself to a pc bang and view the trailer in its entirety or... or I'll shoot myself. Dramatic. When I'm bored I browse the web for movies and music news, and the highly anticipated sequel to the awesome '99 flick, is The Matrix Reloaded, which opens in exactly 354 days. The special effects will be HOT; supposedly, the Wachowski brothers are angry that the bullet-dodging sequence has appeared in many movies and has been imitated countless times, and promises "visual effects that could never be copied" in the next two movies.
May 16, 2003 baby: The Matrix Reloaded. I rest my case.

If anyone wants to watch a touching, funny, sentimental--but not to the point of cheesy--movie, check out About a Boy with Hugh Grant. I recommend it!

I made a mix cd the other day and included a Korean track Daniel sent me via AIM. Kul [acoustic] - All for You or something like that? At one point, the guy shrieks and screams and stuff. While my mom and I sat on the floor doing some paper work, she looked at me with a weird expression. Most of her commentary on Korean ballads are as such... "That the haaale? What kind of song is this? Did someone rip off his balls and smash his peens?" But thanks Horace! I like it.

5/21/02 Grow up
In high school, along with my lack of balls and especially heart to cheat—on tests, papers, projects—I did not feel the need to express my disgust towards it. Now that we are in college, and I have witnessed and listened to those around me act immaturely, I will chuck in my two cents.

Viewing test questions and listening to answers prior to taking an exam, borrowing ideas and plagiarizing from sources when writing a paper are subtle forms of cheating—plain and simple. But here is the catch: high school was basically free. If we cheated our way through high school, then we are not wasting anything but potential, and lose self-respect and dignity. WE ARE IN COLLEGE, folks. Like everyone else, our parents engage in the paper chase for us to receive an education. If we cheat now, we not only forfeit those three things, but also their hard-earned money. They struggle in order for us to acquire the essential skills needed not only to pursue our field of study, but also in life. We learn concepts and mechanics, theories and formulas, writing and analysis. Furthermore, we learn about time management and priorities, how to work around schoolwork and schedule conflicts. Most importantly, we learn to respect ourselves and value our own ideas. For many who are fortunate to receive financial aid and intelligent enough to earn scholarship funds, we undermine our capabilities when we cheat ourselves of honesty and self-respect and ultimately a future.

I do not condone cheating at all. Big fat PERIOD. I don’t have the guts to do it because I piss in my pants just even thinking of others getting caught. My parents raised me well than to do such a stupid thing. Besides, I don’t have the heart to cheat because it goes against my morals. When people ask me what college I go to, I am proud of where I am in my life. Dammit [I do not go to BU, and] I deserve to go to my school; I worked my butt off to be where I am. When people ask me how I am doing in terms of schoolwork, I am proud of my GPA and my effort. I deserve my grades, as great or HAHAHA not so great as they are. At least I am becoming the person I want to be—honest to myself and to my family. For all of those immature cheating fuckers, shut your trap. I pity y’all and your imbecile and cowardly ways. Your godly 3.0 - 4.0 GPA ain’t shit. Your place in the university is detrimental to the community. And as a human being, you should wipe asses and clean toilets for a living because once you graduate, those are the two things you will be capable of doing. Oh no, I’m sorry… if you can’t do them yourself, why don’t you ask others to wipe ass for you? You are probably used to that by now.

For reals. Grow up.
(If you think this entry is directed towards you, then you deserve a biscuit for this acute observation. If you are uncertain if this entry is written for you, then you should set your priorities straight next semester. If you agree with me, you’re a cool, authentic fuck; I like you.)

5/17/02 Happy, happy 19th birthday, buddy!! ARN! Where's the eggplant? We have places to go and people to see.

5/11/02 Happy 19th Birthday, Ply! *I owe us a date!

4/27/02-5/7/02 Gratitude
Just another pointless, mindless year? Whoever denies the importance of a birthday is a liar. A big fat liar. More than a celebration of life, a birthday is celebration of the lives we share together. It reminds us of precious people, amazing moments. Never ever, forget a beloved one’s birthday or overlook its significance. Never. At one instant or another, everyone wants to be reassured that he or she is special and worthy, and one simple wish makes all the difference.

Several weeks ago, I turned nineteen—a cruel number that robs the average teenager of irresponsibility and maturity. I am nineteen and still lost, struggling to find authenticity in me. Anyhow, the best presents are not tangibles at all. The best presents are thoughtful gestures and the lengths people go through to make me feel special, the reassuring voices I hear on the telephone, the sweet cards and emails written to cheer me up, to let me know that I am, in fact, worth the(ir) trouble.

Unlike many cynics who harbor distaste for getting old, I find that as I grow older, birthdays become more special. I would have never imagined that birthdays away from home can be this great, but my family, friends from back home and buddies at BC have gone the extra mile to prove me wrong. My mommy sent me a huge box. Hands aka Katie is my masterful movie mama. She is just as obsessed in the entertainment industry as I am, if not more, and we spent a great deal talking on the phone right before her big day; she sent me not one, but TWO cards, and not one, but TWO presents. 98 Degrees game??? HAHAHA and two movies that I truly enjoy. Esther sent me “Forces of Nature” one week early, and a card that reinforces my convictions of her strength and ability to love. Jeffrey sent me an awesome UMICH sweatshirt that I now bum around in almost every day. Sarah and Leah sent me a care package full of goodies and fun stuff. Ivy, Saya, Kristen, Gail and Rupa welcomed me in grand style after my Friday late night shift. Almost forty past midnight, they gathered in my room and transformed it into a festive setting. I ran away shocked, laughed and sat in a pile of silly string. On Saturday morning, I met Megan and her friends at the A&F rally in Harvard Square, but left early. My brother drove a bit over an hour from Connecticut to spend some time with me. We ate at a Korean restaurant and talked a while. He surprised me with a pretty Coach wallet and . Funny, everything he buys for me is girly! He has a knack for shopping. Afterwards, my dorm friends treated me to a meal at the Cheesecake Factory at the Prudential Center in Copley, and we returned to the dorm. Saya and I tried to remember the lyrics to “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” and choreographed some moves, but we eventually retreated to our rooms. Minutes later, I hear a knock on my door. Dressed in his rendition of “The Scorpion King”, Andrew stood outside my room smiling. With him was big-haired Boz with a video camera, and Tom (and Swerve?), who chanted “Happy Birthday” and told me to look into the camera. I looked and chuckled. Burning, I heard faint voices that quickly became audible. Ah, the birthday song. Candles from the yellow cake lit up more than half a dozen smiling faces: Dee, Ivy, Rupa, Kristen, Saya, Ed, Colleen, As Ivy held it, I stood still, in complete and utter shock. I won’t lie. I felt damn special. I felt on top of the world. I felt as though I have met some people here who, after only a few months of knowing me, actually cared.

I am a complete cornball, a sucker for sentimental things to say the least. At nineteen, I have the emotional capacity of a six-month-old baby. From a familiar touch, a baby knows of nothing but the concern and love imparted to them, and all it can do, for the time being, is smile. Secure and protected, I am that baby. Words have the same effect. Though I may not readily express my gratitude, I smile. Whether spoken or written, words move me. From the phone calls to the instant messages, the emails to the cards, presents to care packages, I feel truly blessed. I want to thank everyone who has made my birthday so incredibly special, one that I will always cherish. My sincerest gratitude…THANK YOU.

Mommy – Thank you for loving me unconditionally, for being the best mommy a Lucky Luck can have. I live for you, and I dream for us. I love the Kenneth Cole bag; it’s very sophisticated. “It’s so girly, Ma.”/ “You are a girl.”/ “I know I’m a girl.” You are a true writer—better yet, a true poet—and you transform life’s prose into poetry. I love you more than my heart can feel.
Ace – Thank you for everything you have done for me. As Hallmark puts it, “There’s nobody I would have rather shared with, fought with, laughed with, cried with for all these years… Nobody I would have rather grown up with than you.” You are my hero and I am so proud of all your accomplishments: THE NASTIEST, SICKEST BALLER around, YOU are THE SHIT. I love you. Thank you for driving up and celebrating my birthday with me. The Coach wallet is niiice, but your card is nicer!
Jean Ahh I know you are busy. Congrats congrats. Thank you for your phone call!
Sarah Leah –You are two of my closest, most precious friends, living proof that blood does not bind sisterhood. eSPy, thank you for bringing sanity to my first year of college with those much-needed phone calls. sperms, thank you for remaining constant The care package was so sweet!
Jeff– Dude, I can’t help but repeat myself. You are my once-in-a-lifetime friend, and having you in my life makes it much brighter and more bearable. Thank you for the card (which meant a lot) and the sweatshirt! I’ve been rockin’ it non-stop. Even Ace says it’s pretty HOT.
Brian – I love your spirit, BD. You are a touch of sunlight. Thank you for your phone call at exactly 12 am!
Katie – Hands, you are my cynical sidekick, my partner in the entertainment bust. Thank you for calling me and sending me those insane gifts--“Playing for Keeps”, Moulin and HARDBALL!
Esther- You have always cared and encouraged me. Because of you, I know that what I am waiting for will come one day: true love exists. Thank you for the message in the card and the dvd!
Paul- Thank you for your late-night phone call, buddy. “I miss you.”
Yui and Daniel- Horace, we must play and share secrets! Yui, you are one of a kind, and I miss you A LOT!! Yui and Lucky forever and ever! Your xanga entries are phenomenal, and left me speechless. I am in awe, moved by your words. Thank you so much you two!
Ray- The nonconformist. I treasure your friendship. Thank you for the phone call!
Robin – “Good times, good times.” My red-breasted birdy, thank you for serenading me TWICE!
Amy- California has not changed your sweetness one bit. Thank you for the card and phone call!
Nina – My sweets, you are too much! I am happy we’re near each other. Thank you for the cutest teddy and plant!
Shu Ellen Ji – The semper fidelis gals, thank you for your phone calls! I missed y’all very much. Where art thou, Shuey?
Megan – My Boston buddy, your card absolutely made my day today. I cannot tell you enough how much fun I have with you, and how great it feels to live merely one town away. Thank you for the cd, the book, the dvd and most importantly, YOU. I adore you!
Annie Jenny Miyoung Ply Alice JenNIE Jenny Joe Arn – My lovely babes who can always make me laugh. Thank you so much for the phone calls and emails and ims and xanga bites!
WilSTOCKS Mike – You CMU studs. Thank you mucho for the card; it meant more to me than you two will ever know!
Ivy Dee – We belong to something great: a threesome! And with you two by my side, I look forward to returning to college, embracing sophomore year with open arms . Thank you for everything, LN (Latina Nazi) and WSG (white suburban girl). Potty mouths. You are the masterminds behind my wonderful birthday. Thank you for everything. The (AF bigot) shirt is ravishing HAHA, the cake on my face was yummy, the dinner was delicious, and the insults and all that good stuff leaves me smiling that goofy “chinky” smile.
Saya Kristen Rupa Monica Gail – Y’all make Keyes North 4th Floor fun! Thank you girls, for decorating my room, writing that funky card and treating me to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
Basement Ensemble - [Boz, Andrew, Tom, Chip] You guys have made my first year awesome. Thanks for teasing me, looking out for me, spitting out sports talk. Come visit College Road next year!

To those who know me best, and love me anyway; to those who remind me that dreams are worth chasing; to those whom I consider my constants, I have but one song to dedicate to y’all: Whenever, Wherever, Whatever – Maxwell.

5/5/02 3:23 am
Spider-man is the SH--! The movie exceeded all expectations. TOBEY...

Queens Blvd!! I could have sworn I saw glimpses of our neighborhood [Woodside and Sunnyside] near the 7 train. Or maybe I'm delirious. Well, in the comics Peter Parker lived in Queens; hence, the movie retains the Marvel comic's authenticity.

5/4/02 Eye CACA
Finals week is yucky, and good luck. I woke up yesterday morning and oddly, I woke up yesterday morning and oddly, i was inspired to take a disgusting MIO polaroid picture of myself to mark my going 48 hours without showering!! The horrors: wake up call . MONSTER! At that moment, I had 1)eye caca 2)bad breath 3)(apparently) a double chin 4) (if you must know) dirty underwear on AND 5) greasy, uncombed, nappy hair. [The camera is the shizzznats toy!] Hopefully, it will be the first and last time I skip showering... if anything, for hygiene purposes. Ahh, I have yet to personally thank everyone (can y'all feel the card-writing rampage coming up? YES!) for making my 19th birthday one to remember. I've been writing bits and pieces, but my thoughts are scattered here and there; I have pictures scanned too!! After I watch Spider-man tonight, I will definitely finish that saved entry. Promise.

I heard Duncan had a good game. go Nets go! I used to hate 'em because of Stephen Marbury, but now that the cocky face baldy is gone--replaced by the magnificent JKidd [who, might I add, has done wonders with his ensemble]-- the Nets are awesome. Who saw P-squared last night?? During my study break, I caught two minutes, when he hit a three to make 39 of his 46 points. Oh my, AHHHHH!!

4/29/02 Fill in the blank, 5:53 am
Joey's Letter to Dawson
Dear Dawson. When something like this happens, you only want to reach out and grab the people around you, the ones you take for granted all the time. You want to take those people and hold on to them as tight as you can. And tell them how precious they are to you. How knowing them makes your life better every single day that you're living it. Because when something like this happens, you realize how awful it would be if they didn't know. If they weren't aware of the profound effect they've had on your life. So, I want to take this moment to tell you that I love you, Dawson. And I'm here for you. Now, forever and every day in between.
Love, Joey.

Dawson's dad died this season (year). That's not just television drama, but drama mirroring real life. Perhaps that is why the show appeals to me; after all, I grew up with Joey and Dawson, Pacey and Jen. Ah the lives we lead... directed and deflected into a million paths. 1) One of my closest friend's mother might have had cancer. 2) For one night only, my friend and I exchanged stories of our dads, one a bastard lying cheat and the other a depressed man driven to commit the unthinkable. 3) My mommy, emotionally and physically weak, has an irregular heart beat. 4) My grandmother is in ICU in Thailand, and my parents fly back mid-day. 5) September 11th rounds off the top five. Though I can list all the other injustices in the world, these particulars affect me greatly at this point in my life. I KNOW that any one of us can pass away or fall ill at any given moment. Life is that unfair. I just wish I had the courage to send out Joey's letter, not caring whether my feelings are reciprocated. Replacing Dawson's name, I would fill in the blank with names of everyone dear to me. Because if I could, I would take each opportunity I have to tell them that I love them, that I'm here for them, rain or shine. "Now, forever and every day in between."

One day, I will. And hopefully when that day comes, it won't be too late.

4/24/02 Happy 19th Birthday, "Tomato"! Miiike.

4/12/02 Greetings
"Hey Luck!"
"Ohhh, hey! Hi."
ajfdlafdajlk x infinity to the n'th power.
Freako. What the hell is wrong with me?! Just for being a moron, I should wipe a--es for a living. :(

In any case, Vinny Testa's is yummy! Decent prices for huge portions. At our Cornerstone A.S. reunion, held at the Italian restaurant, I managed to converse with everyone--half of whom I avoided calling by their first names. Whew.

At 4:10 am, this adrenaline rush feels great--the Herbal Essence/Usher kinda ohh lala. If pushed to the limits, I will burst in song and dance! My recent inability to connect with people, express my thoughts, sift through my emotions has been difficult. INHIBITIONS galore. I've severed communication with those around me, with the exception of mommy, to reflect.
Picky pick #1: Nowadays, the phrase "how are you" is almost meaningless. Do we really care about the other person or are we merely making conversation? And the answer "I'm okay" is just ... please do us a favor and be more vague. Thanks! Sure, I admit to committing these offenses, but from now on, I'll take into consideration sincerity and honesty. My "how are you's" come from within as elaboration attaches my responses of "ok". If anything, we should all utilize the English language once in a while. After all, there are at least one hundred different ways to answer that age-old greeting. Why choose "ok" when I can spice things up with such replies as "orgasmic, darling" or "f--- off, eejit"?

*To write well, one should not use the passive voice, "there is/are", cliches. I don't write well.

4.1 + 4.2 HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNIE and ABIGAILS and dearest Katie [hands]!
4.9 HAPPY BIRTHDAY my girlies, MEG and JI!

apathy and confusion. without a goal to accomplish.
dysfunctional. without a dream to complete. trapped.
without a love to express. hopeless and uninspired.
      this perpetual cycle of uncertainty.
   i need to know that life is beautiful.
to breathe.

3/25/02 Crush, Then Carry On
You've got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous but when you leave the room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too [Darren Hayes]

... that offered a kind of security I long. I have never felt that safe or that happy...

If only my words can do this dream justice. Have you ever wanted to befriend someone because his or her persona is simply appealing, almost magical? Smiling, I woke up from my power nap around 9pm, ate Chinese food and went about my nonsense. The dream was bogus and bizarre. In other words, it was so awesome it had to be a dream. Though only as a mere acquaintance, the person [in my dream this evening] exists. We worked together once [in February] during late night, learned a bit about one another and goofed around. HAHAHA he imitated Peja [with muffins at the trash disposal] for kicks!! And since then, I have become a flustered fool. We are friendly towards one another, but not friends. Overwhelmingly, his company creates a utopian atmosphere; his amiable personality coupled with a great sense of humor brightens up my day. In any case, as luck would have it summer approaches in less than one month, and most probably, I will not see him on campus next year. He has been [a cliche if you will] my shooting star, with a presence as fleeting as it is impressionable. A crush. :D Yes, I still have yucky kindergarden crushes in college.

Eyes wide shut or wide open, dreaming is hopeful anticipation. And with that, I carry on. I carry on to such things as my history midterm tomorrow. Sucky butts.

"The Rookie" with Dennis Quaid looks like a great movie.

Who watched Wallace with the boards today? CRAZY.

I told my buddy "at least Elite 8". YES. 'Tis a sad day, but I still LOVE my boys. BYE BYE Caron Butler. Next year, I look forward to watching Emeka, Gordon and Taliek light it up. Now, s'all about the Terps!!

If Russell Cocky Cock Crowe wins tonight, I will retreat into a corner and cuss.

3/21/02 HAHAHA 10:45pm
"hello? hey man..."
"luck? waddup, what are you doing?"
"i'm about to study. how about you?"
"i'm driving to my friend's house. sam."
"do you have time to talk?"
"yeah, what's up?"
"did you watch the game?"
"what game?"
"duke and indiana"
"nah, nah i didn't get a chance to. who won? don't tell me..."
"indiana won!!! by one. 74-73."
"shut the hell up. SHUT UP!! jason williams didn't perform huh?"
"for reals! nah, he was all right. he just... can you talk while driving?"
"yeah! tell me what happened! everyone must be going crazy. this is the biggest upset ever, beating duke. AIIITE UCONN." *voices in the background*

I call him to talk to about life's little nothings. And somehow, he finds time to listen. ALWAYS.

On March 9th, I, Lucky Watanasuparp, mentioned that the Blue Devils may not make IT; I should work for ESPN. "... so sportscenter sweats Duke's a--. Well everyone does. Let's see if they can hold the ACC and ride it out to the the NCAA 'ship." I extend my sincerest sympathy to those who have Duke in their brackets. Boo-hoo.

3/20/02 Shush
"Critics and skeptics are all talk. When it comes down to it, you know they're nothing. Nothing--"

I'm not impressed with talkers, and yet I find myself constantly surrounded by them. Do I look like someone who cares if you know the play-by-play for the 1986 NCAA tournament between Duke and Louisville?? Well no sh-- Sherlock I don't. Geez I was three years old. And give or take a couple of years, so were you. Just because I don't have a peepee, what makes you think you know more sports than me? I'm sorry your breasts are bigger than mine that you can't even run full court. If you retort with the classic "you're a girl so all you can do is shoot the ball", I'll sharp shoot your a-- back to bigotville. Free throws... BRING IT. To those who can dance circles around me with fancy handle, but fall short at the basket, spare it. Who are Allen I. and whiteboy Williams if they can't put up the points? Exactly.

I may suck. But you suck even more.

I need to form the Clitoris Club. NO PENISHEADS allowed.

And one more thing for all y'all guys who "ball" at the Plex and elsewhere: WHY agree to be skins when you have a gut hanging as low as the floor?
(to be continued)

3/19/02 A Post-it to My Love
Dear Bestest Friend,
If every cynic falls in love, you will discover that the fall is easy [and when you trust in me, the stay is much easier]. If prayers are answered, you will realize that my friendship and purity surpasses her pretty smile and "girl, you thick!" kinda body. If we uncover all of the world's hidden secrets, you will see my enormous capability and capacity to love. Then, you might even see me. Wait a minute... you already do. You're the only one. I thank God and his stars every night for you.
Love Always,

I don't have a love like that to write to. No Julia Roberts drama for moi. I don't even have a best friend. BUT I can die writing about one.

3/15/02 HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY BRI!!
I know you don't visit M&MS BD, but I want you to know how beautiful your heart is, how great a guy you are, how much you mean to me. You've always been supportive, attentive, caring and you've never once disappointed. And whenever we drift apart, we find something trivial to talk about, proving that our bond is living existence of that friendship quote we share. Brain Dawg and Leash. Wherever you go, I'll be right there... remember? HAH yeah, it sounds lame now; four years ago, that was our "thang". And we can't forget JBL now can we? :) In every sense, our friendship still is and without a doubt, WE still are. Happy 19th my constant. <3, me.

3/13/02 Alone
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded

I hate it I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

... as if he wrote these lyrics while dissecting my head, listening to my heart.

3/10/02 quotable at 3:48 am
aznxmo0nie: cynics are failed romantics
Jisun and words... like p and j, kit and kat, carrots and peas.

3/10/02 Spider-Man
The release date for Spider-Man --the most anticipated movie of 2002--is May 3rd. Yes. YES. YES! With childhood fantasies of befriending Peter Parker and having incredible powers, my brother and I spent much of our time in constume, wishing we could scale walls and fight the green dud. I absolutely positively MUST watch the movie. AHHHHHH, the excitement is overwhelming. 53 days and counting! In the March issue of GQ, Tobey Maguire spills all about the role and his love interest on and off screen, Kirsten Dunst [Mary Jane]. He is one of my new favorites: quirky, intense, confident. Those deep, sexxxy blues get to me every time. <3 Tobey <3

3/9/02 Big East "and then some..."
The MSG atmosphere is crazy. Awesome seats. Loyal fans. Throughout this spring break I might have taken in too much basketball, whether watching it live or on tv, reading articles in magazines or online. Perhaps I engaged in these activities the past week because the opportunity had arose, out of my genuine interest, or just pure boredom. But then again, too much of that bouncy, orange ball is never enough. I love the game. It's narcotic.

... so Peter Gammons is on the money when analyzing MLB? Eh. Giambi Shalambi. The A's. Minnesota. Mets' "sizzle". I don't know sh-- about baseball; give me time and I'll grasp it wholeheartedly. But I think half the stuff Gammons says is quack. That's just moi.

... so Newsday analyzes that my boys will need years of rebuilding and criticizes Layden's stupidity. The roster is overcapped. Surprise, surprise. Hey, 20 deserves his $ though.

... so sportscenter sweats Duke's a--. Well everyone does. Let's see if they can hold the ACC and ride it out to the the NCAA 'ship. JWilliams might be the best, but I'm all for Dixon.

... so Lucky thinks her Huskies [ranked 24th in the country]-- one of the most overlooked teams in college ball-- have a chance. Butler's going to the NBA! She adores BG and Emeka. She never doubted Taliek's ability to play point. She even got a picture with the mighty fine Hazelton. And yeah, she loves her brother like none other. Talk smack about him and die. Tonight, UCONN won the Big East Tournament title once again, adding to their conference title. They're traveling back to Storrs to celebrate some tomorrow, and practice some more. She called '99. Let's see if history repeats itself for March Madness. Bring it.

3/3/02 Like Buttas Baby
For one day, I'll speak the honest truth that I've been careful not to say out loud-- and conditioned to deny--fearing that I might come off as cocky, something us Watanasuparps HATE. No. I'll express my pride in being his little sister. On 3/2 I witnessed insanity, and believe you me... it was like nothing I've seen before. To the best of my ability, I plan to write a piece [soon enough] and dedicate it to him. Hopefully by this spring break I'll have a first draft of his Senior Night. The crowd favorite. The standing ovation. The chants. The painted stomachs. The signs. The celebrity status. The endless autographs. Behind my mindless humility and swallowed smiles, I know that Ace is the SHIT. My bro is the fuckin' man.

2/28/02Rock On

2/27/02 good enough
that i would be good - alanis morisette
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer Queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

2/27/02 Neutral... or Not
Thai MTVasia vj | Utt is yummy.
Anton Apolo | Ohno ... need I say more?

I've noticed that many guys tend to befriend girls who are single and somewhat attractive--at least in college. All right, I'll refrain from emphasizing the superficial behavior involved and give the male population a little more credit. Guys tend to befriend girls who are single and aesthetically decent. Once they discover that so and so has a boyfriend back home, they back off a bit. Their intentions might be completely plutonic, but the retraction is impulsive. Odd? I think not. Only the few, selected cool guys pursue the friendship (regardless of appearance and status) because they're not interested in anything more. They're not hoping to perhaps one day "hook up" if the opportunity arises.

I've noticed that many girls tend to flirt and play games. "I hope things aren't weird between us. I mean what we did was fun. I slept with the entire basement, but hey, I'm not a slut." They say one thing, but fail to act accordingly. Oh wait, that's obvious. Girls have and always will exert their coquettish flair. Dirty and devious.

"I don't remember what happened. I was so sh--faced." Why people drink with the sole purpose of getting drunk is beyond me. Why people blame alcohol for their stupid actions is irresponsible. Why people use smirnoffs and beers to smooth the surfaces of their problems is childish. Don't bother with the excuses. You're the f-head, apparently 21 enough to consume the liquids, so accept the responsibility like a mature adult.

Sheepishly, I feel urban and almost thuggish amongst the rich, upper-middle class white folks. [PC my a--. I can't stomach BC's politically correct terminologies any longer.] Mind you I don't really dress ghetto or speak ebonics at all. The typical Timbs is sooo sophomore year of hs and I'd rather kill myself than say "You IS" or use a preposition at the end of a sentence, i.e. "Where you at". Nonetheless, everything depends on my mood. Sometimes my good friend and I would break out the "jigga what, jigga who" routine on the bus, or the shoulder roll just to piss off the uptight snots. =)

When there is no physical attraction between two opposite-sex friends, true friendship is born... friends without an underlying incentive. Thank goodness.

THE BC - UCONN GAME WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOES NOT. [oops]

2/23/02 I admit that...
1)I like everything athletic. I like listening to bubs analyze sports and teach me new things. I like watching bubs PLAY and appreciate the game. I love athletes!
2) my initial reaction to the first Ohno controversy was "Koreans are cheats. So what else is new?" HAHA jkjk. my reaction to Ohno's disqualification in his third competition was "Why did you do such a jerky thing, Apolo?! NOOOO. You're already the man!" For him, one mistaken impulse changed all.
3) I might be the only person left in the world who still DOES NOT believe in premarital sex. And I will probably never be able to marry someone who holds on to that belief.
4) I don't understand ingrates.
5) I'm Josie Grossy. I wonder what a kiss feels like.
6) Bobby Knight is one scary hombre. March 10th @ 8PM, ESPN original. har har!
7) I hate theives. Whoever stole my awesome laundry fold up basket and blue laundry net bag this morning is a cheap-A bastard.
8) I am easily irked.
9) I feel self-absorbed today. I = everything. joke!
10) I am almost nineteen and I have yet to miss an episode of Dawson's Creek. The girls on my floor congregate in a room [usually mine] on Wednesdays for DC and Thursdays for Friends.

bigger than ourselves - wideawake
you made another mistake and went another round you thought that you'd never break but now you're broken down it was a jump that you thought you could make but then you crashed and burned again we all need something bigger than ourselves to rescue us from us we all need something bigger than ourselves to hold our heads up you were the talk of the town but then forgot the words you were so proud of your crown but now it's like a curse chasing your tale you keep spinning around and then you crash and burn again come hell or high water it's not gonna bother you and i

Lines to remember from this past week's episode, as found on the show's official site...
JOEY: I don't know. It's like... did you ever meet someone who just saw you, really saw you, but somehow saw only the best?
DAWSON: You mean someone besides you?


JOEY: Why are you telling me this?
WILDER: I'm trying to get you to hate me.
JOEY: It's working. So what is the best ending in all of literature? And don't say Ulysses because everybody says Ulysses.
WILDER: That's easy. Sentimental Education by Flaubert.
JOEY: What happens?
WILDER: Nothing really. It's just two old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them.
JOEY: How do you remember something that never happened to you?
WILDER: Fondly.
You see, Flaubert believed that anticipation was the purest form of pleasure. And the most reliable. And that while the things that actually happened to you would invariably disappoint, the things that never happened to you would never dim, never fade. They'd always be engraved on your heart with sort of a sweet sadness to them.

... how true is that?

2/19/02 Time

we do not remember days
we remember moments
[Cesare Pavese]

With time comes the power of discernment between what is real and what is not... or does it? Time is infinite, but runs out when we need it most. "Time heals all", yet the hurt remains. A wound cannot exist without a slash just as a scar cannot not exist without a wound. Time proves that dreams become and fade; that feelings stir and disappear; that people age and die. In terms of seconds and minutes, hours and days, weeks and months, years and decades, these paradoxes exist within the framework of time. The word is used with prefixes such as some, any and every to quantify the state of things.

I thought time was a substantial measurement of friendships and of relationships in general. A childhood friend of seven years will prove to be more loyal than a college friend of several months because the friendship "survived". Or [hypothetically] a four-year boyfriend will honor the tenets of true love more so than others of shorter lengths because the relationship "endured". While survival and endurance are essential, the bonds I share mean more than the limitations these two words imply. As they are defined by moments, my relationships with loved ones must be measured by loyalty, honesty and sincerity. In the end, I will remember moments--life's little miracles--most.

Because time is consistent in its inconsistency, time doesn't prove much. Two things are important: that I know and what I know. This moment right now is all I know.

6:18 am Tuesday, February 19, 2002 Another Xanga Bite
When I worry, I can be described as uptight. Otherwise, I'm usually laid-back, or so I think. But I admit I'm easily irritated by vanity.
Typical Case #1: Let's Stare
On our way back to Newton Campus late one night, the bus was packed with loud, drunk freshmen. Because it was the last bus to make rounds, people crammed themselves inside. Picture the Flushing bound 7 train during rush hour. A girl stepped on the bus and stood near us; she seemed pretty cool. Key word: seemed. While the three of us were engaged in watching people act silly and laughing at them, the girl shoved herself directly in front of us and stared at her window reflection. She pulled out her shiny sh--gloss and hair pins and fixed herself up as if the location was a bathroom. Granted this was 2am on the super-cool campus bus, everybody was too wasted to pay attention to one another's appearance. The fact that she stared at herself the entire ride home wasn't half as yucky as her hairy navel and gut. Might I add that she wore a shirt that clearly exposed her midrift. From the way she was eyeing herself, she thought she was hot. Yeah I guess, if you consider a slobbery-lipped, bobby pin-haired, fuzzy navel girl who is in love with her reflection gorgeous. Dee, Ivy and I almost puked.

Typical Case #2: Put Your Shirt Back On
During the first few weeks of college, a guy down in Keyes South [the other side of our dorm] walked around shirtless. Will seemed cockified and comfortable with his body, which was great. But c'mon. Mind you the expression on his face reflects someone who has a stick up his a-- 24/7; if I really try, I can probably bench more than he can. Freakin' Q-TIP.

Typical Case #3: "PDA"
Public Display of Affection. The mainstream response is "get a room". My response is slightly altered. A couple, regardless of their high self-rating on the hot meter, should spare the public of such behavior. Holding hands and pecks are cute. Beyond that is just nasty. Dude we're not amused. Why don't you two take a day off and record yourselves tongue-ing and groping? Make some popcorn, grab a few beers and playback the tape. The sight of your hand rubbing your girl's rump is as equally grotesque as the manner in which you suck face. I wouldn't be surprised if you A)choked on popcorn B)destroyed the tape immediately C)killed yourselves.

Now don't get me wrong. Confidence is a beautiful quality. In fact, if you've got it flaunt it. If you know you're hot, awesome. If you're oozing with sexuality, live it up.

But do so with some grace. And humility.

2/15/02 English major?
Today, sitting in philosophy class and listening to this quiet guy present Hegel's Reason in History blew me away. He embodied a different character in front of the classroom, allowing me to realize that eloquence in writing doesn't measure up to eloquence in rhetoric. Not one bit. Speaking requires guts and balls. On paper, words are just words if no one reads them. Aloud, words are powerful. The probability that people might not listen to them doesn't discount the fact that they're still subconsciously heard. Being a lawyer entails the writing and speaking skills which I lack, but I'm quite interested in the possibility. The knowledge might be useful. Legit reason huh? Three years of law school and cough up nearly 100 g's because I want the background.

Other people are on the pre-med track, the pre-law path, the business CEO venture. But I want a little bit of everything. Now, I know we can't have everything that we want, but we can try...

I want to write essays and publish them during my spare time. I want to advise corporations [domestic and international] behind the scene, prepare their paperwork and protect them from lawsuits without having to speak in front of a courtroom. I want to invest my money and do a start-up of something innovative or look into real estate property with my brother. My dad built his life upon the ideals of entrepeneurship; from working four jobs a day twenty seven years ago to running their own business, my parents are living evidence of hardworking, self-made individuals. I want to follow in their footsteps. These goals are born from a personal realization. After talking to my mom last Wednesday, I have a direction and that is, to achieve peace of mind by being greater than my parents. For those who know me well, family has always been a private issue. And for personal reasons, I wouldn't talk about family unless one is a close friend. My parents aren't perfect people. I have and will continue to learn from their mistakes and try to emulate their successes.

Perhaps Ace and I will continue our laundry business while we try to think of something new. Eventually, open a restaurant or two. People doubt me. Undoubtedly, I won't contest that I'm a pushover, passive and meek and naive. Even with all those innate qualities working against me, two things are certain: I'm going to be at least 10 times more successful than parents are and take care of my family and friends. I just don't have that "business mentality"-- shrewdness and quickness. My brother will provide for what I lack.

Although still without a declared major, I've decided to minor in economics. English is currently the most popular major at BC, yielding the most employment opportunities in the market today. Job availability... how about that! Surprising but true. Don't give me that "what are you going to do with an English major" s--- because a)there are jobs out there and b)I really don't know. Is English still my passion? I think, but I certainly doubt myself now. Then again, one can be totally in love with something and not be the greatest at it, yet find the activity fulfilling--just like being in love with someone. One can be totally in love with another and not be perfect at it, but find the affection beyond satisfying. The beauty of everything is within its imperfections. As long as one has HEART to fuel the passion, these flaws leave room for improvement and motivation to be better, more complete, authentic.

Life... I just don't know. Does anyone?

2/14/02 A First Experience
In FWS last term, we were assigned to write a narrative. I chose my first embarrassing moment: The Walk. Because I tried to include all of its details to the best of my ability, I'm actually proud of this memoir. I have difficulty remembering things dating back to a couple of months; to remember bits and pieces from ten years ago is ridiculous, but nostalgic.

My mommy received the bouquet of white roses Ace and I sent her for Valentine's Day six hours later than expected. Killing her day, I made her stay inside until they arrived. She said, "This is the first time I've waited an ENTIRE day for something to arrive at the door." FED-EX is sucky!! In any case, I hope it put a smile on her beautiful face. :)

... one of my favorites, in its entirety:

from Variations on the Word Sleep - Margaret Atwood b. 1939

I would like to watch you sleeping.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun and three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
and that necessary

During break, I rode on the MTA a couple of times and caught up on some...
Selections from Poetry in Motion

Confusion - Nino Nokolov b. 1933|translated by Eswald Osers
When confusion reigns
and the waitress begins to think
that the hungry exist for her,
and the air hostess begins to think
that the passengers exist for her
and the Pharmicist begins to think
that the patient exists for her
and the reviewer begins to think
that the author exists for her
and not the other way about:
When confusion begins
I too, my love, begin to think
that you were made for me.

Beware of Things in Duplicate - Dana Gioia b. 1950
Beware of things in duplicate:
a set of knives, the cufflinks in a drawer,
the dice, the pair of Queens, the eyes
of someone sitting next to you.

Attend that empty minute in the evening
when looking at the clock you see
its hands are fixed on the same hour
you noticed at your morning coffee.

These are the moments to beware
when there is nothing so familiar
or so close that it cannot betray you:
a twin, an extra key, an echo,
your own reflection in the glass.

Happy 19th to Esther, Ditty, David Choe and WilstOCKS!

[[The right word spoken at the right time sometimes achieves miracles. - anonymous]] My strength is restored. Thank you.

The oh-so-small world closes in. Shock. Disbelief. Realization. F.

2/3/02 Tensions Between
I Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
welcome to the planet welcome to existence everyone's here everybody's watching you now everybody waits for you now what happens next? i dare you to move i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor i dare you to move like today never happened today never happened before welcome to the fallout welcome to resistance THE TENSION IS HERE BETWEEN WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU COULD BE BETWEEN HOW IT IS AND HOW IT SHOULD BE maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell where can you run to escape from yourself? where you gonna go? where you gonna go? salvation is here

Here, most people are hyping up the Patriots' chances against the Rams... uh, yeah maybe? Superbowl Sunday just means new commercials and some fun football!

2/2/02 New Favorites
Among other beloved bands, Lifehouse and The Calling are still up in the ranks. But Switchfoot is my new favorite band. The bands I love to listen to are considered Christian Contemporary Rock/Secular-crossovers. Funny how I'm not Christian and yet I can relate to the lyrics. Hearing Jonathan Foreman [Switchfoot's frontman] croon the word YOU, I feel as though he crafted the song about a God--not necessarily Jesus Christ--for everyone, proving that God is not at all exclusive and more importantly, that music is universal. If listeners find secular significance, then the "you" can be applied to anyone who means something in our lives or has breathed life into our lives. Personal faith. The lyrics and mellow chords allow me to feel at ease and hopeful. Such songs help me through trying times, articulating emotions and thoughts that cannot be readily self-expressed. In a recent interview, the band was asked, "What are your songs about?" They answer, "Everyday life mainly. Maybe a friendship or pain or fear or love... the deepest and most elemental aspects of being human. We all share these emotions an thoughts and every book, play, song or movie ar bulit around them. We all desire to communicate the significance of our experience to others." I couldn't have expressed it better myself.

Learning How to Breathe is supposedly an awesome cd, and You is found on the A Walk to Remember soundtrack.

You - Switchfoot
there's always something in the way there's always something getting though but it's not me it's you sometimes ignorance rings true but hope is not in what i know not in me it's in you it's all i know i find peace when i'm confused i find hope when i'm let down not in me but in you i hope to lose myself for good i hope to find it not in me it's you it's all i know

[[I'm so sorry! I miss your wacky energetic voice and cute pink cheeks! I'm so sorry I didn't get to wish this to you earlier. I hope it was more than wonderful and full of fun. You still inspire me and with each and every year that passes by, you never cease to touch me with your words. Happy Belated 19th babe... :) ]]

I truly enjoyed A Walk to Remember. Saya, Dee and Ivy thought the movie was all right, perhaps cute, but I just cried my eyes out. Shane West is one of my favorite television/on-screen actors!

One of the most popular sections in the Bible:
"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends..."

Corinthians 13:4-8

Nicholas Sparks writes of Gods words: "I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it to the earnestness of others." Thoughts and feelings and intentions are not as important as actions.

I'm glad I didn't like "him". He wasn't the person I thought he was. I mean to come up with twenty four reasons why I shouldn't start liking someone is pretty pathetic. To follow through on it is too rational, even for me. But in hindsight, I feel happy and have no regrets. Paul and Sarah, Leah and Shuey know who I'm talking about. One funny thing about the whole situation was that we both had dreams about each other. Weird huh?

hMm I always seem to smile to myself whenever I see the guy with the skull cap visor thingy, though nowadays he doesn't really wear it. Sometimes I would sneak peaks at him, out of curiosity of course. Of course. He's one of those people whose brain I would like to dissect. haha I remember going to the hypnotist show with AHANA and watching him squirm as he received a lapdance on stage. I remember him running like mad to catch the bus and missing it by seconds. I remember Nina calling me from her table and he was the first person I saw. Whoever he is, he seems like a nice dude, amiable and at ease. :)

On Saturday late-nights and Monday nights, I work at Stuey, or rather Stuart's--the Newton Campus cafeteria. The pay is good and the experience is like none other. Kids will flow into the dining hall in herds. A grilled cheese here, a chicken parm there, no fries but lots of onion rings, one chicken caesar wrap and two orders of chicken fingers, etc. The dirty work entails cleaning table tops and putting seats up. When someone scolds or corrects me, I immediately wince and stammer. Orders do not mesh well with a stubborn person like myself. After I graduate, I hope to make a lot of money doing whatever it is that I'll do, and use the capital to run my own business. The thought of busting my butt for someone else is not appealing. No sir. Establishing monetary stability is definitely a career goal...

... not a life goal. Jamie Sullivan is right. Money isn't everything. Cliche, I know. I'm just another Landon Carter in need of direction. After reading Nicholas Spark's A Walk to Remember last night, I bawled for a half hour or so. It was 5am and I cried myself to sleep. My life goal is to be content; that is, to act in accordance with kindness and compassion, to be--yes, my favorite word-- "authentic", to live with sincerity and faith, to marry someone worthy of my love and whose love I am worthy of. Lastly, [I think] content is to have my loved ones remain with me forever. What is compassion? What is authenticy? What is sincerity? What is faith? What is love? What is forever? What is CONTENT? The answers have yet be discovered.

1/28/02 Pick me?
Though at a slow pace, "things" seem to be coming together for me here, but the same cannot be said for two of the most important people I love: my mommy and my brother. When they hurt, I hurt; when I hurt, my state shifts into confusion and a word like F U C K comes to mind. Why is it that those who deserve a break in life, who deserve to be treated with respect, who deserve all the love in the world get shit-faced [repeatedly]? God, pick me and rid them of this drama. Then again, I don't even think I can hold my own.

Two words I simply abhor in the English language are whatever and anyway(s). If I hear these responses in another conversation, I will either a) walk away, still retaining a sense of dignity or b) lose my composure, sock the speaker in the face and tell him or her to go screw a monkey; and if the conversation is conducted via the telephone or the internet, option c) laters, you apathetic ass. Friends shouldn't blatantly show their insensitivity towards one another, should they possess apathy at all.

Black Hawk Down instilled guilt for the pathetic state of my political awareness, or lack thereof, while I am Sam set off some waterworks.

In an act of rebellion against my uptight ways, I went to The Garage in Harvard Square with Ives last week to pierce my left, upper-ear cartilage. Big "OHHH". =P The piercer was nice. "Aw, it's all right baby, it's okay. Just a little pinch." In any other situation, my prude self would have objected to his word choice, but I was too preoccupied to care. In fact, I was thankful for his reassurance. With the wound beginning to heal, I can now sleep on my left side! HAHAHA Sarah came to visit during MLK weekend and I felt awful about snoring on my back, let alone her refusal to sleep on my bed. She said, "Oh my, I didn't think you were capable of making such noise", but was really thinking "DAYAM girl, what the?!?" At the age of 10, I had infections that led to complications and ultimately, ear surgery. And although the doctors took out my adenoids [tissue in the nose] during the process, I still have difficulty breathing. Curled in a fetal position, I sleep soundly on my side, yet on my back, I do tend to have relapses when congestion kicks in and I make a raucous. Yikes, no one wants to marry someone with breathing problems. My apologies.

1/25/02 Come What May
My thoughts on love four years ago: "There's one person for each and every person. Do you ever wonder who that special someone might be? Maybe we've already met him or her. Or maybe someday he or she will magically appear and make our hearts tremble with every gesture made and each word spoken." I actually wrote that mush.

My thoughts on love at this very moment: Does true love even exist?

I wondered if I ever crossed my friend's mind, if I ever made a difference by being the tiny dot that I am in his life , if I ever upheld the title I claimed as "close friend". On 1/24/02, I shattered the silence. To rebuild a friendship is nothing new to neither one of us, but I fear that this time around, more effort must be put forth and more time must be invested. The determining factor in this restoration depends on how much we care--enough to do whatever it takes or just let things be? Simply put, passivity is a b----.

12/31/01 To see
fade away ... I lay down and blind myself with laughter a quick fix of hope is what I needed I wish I could turn back the hours but I know I just don't have the power - [The Calling]
I saw "Dude" through a window at Ktown Friday night. How can someone so familiar become such a stranger? Six months. If I didn't care, I would not be counting right? Right. Yeah, how bizarre/odd/weird/unexpected/surprising/shocking/scary/great/disappointing/yay/yuck.

Tentative New Year's Resolutions:
1. focus on getting a higher GPA [actually, anything will be higher than what it is now]
2. shed several lbs. before this summer [so the trip to Thailand will be FUN]
3. spend more time with family [because that is my core]
4. write my thoughts down in a journal [book]
5. find a summer internship/job
6. be a vocal critic--more assertive and decisive
7. cut that hopeless romantic crep of being content with waiting for "the one" and finally admit that I'm a lonely "mofo", that I'm incomplete :T
8. say I love you to my <3s

This evening, I finished watching a Thai drama called "Lai Manut" which taken literally, means "Human Intention". The lakorn is awesome!! I'm not giving the tapes back to the video store. Is that a crime? =X Okay, maybe I will once I dub copies, but for now, all then vhs tapes are mine mine mine. The actor, Chakrit Yamngam, grew on me. At first glance, he's an average dude. I kept watching and his demeanor--the way he carries himself, the way he talks, the way he acts--makes him incredibly appealing. He is H-O-T. <3 HAHA I wouldn't mind one bit if I found myself a hubbydub like him. YUMMY =D Anyhow, I find myself speaking Thai more fluently lately from watching dramas, being interested in Thai entertainment and culture, wanting to visit Thailand more so than ever. When I was younger, I was more proud of my Chinese half than my Thai half. As I grew older, I realized that though I may be half Chinese in blood, I am full Thai at heart. Why be ashamed of who I am? Thai people are not dirty. We're tan. Thai people are not all infected with HIV. We're preventing the epidemic as best we can. I pity those people who blindly believe these and other myths: ignorance. My advice to them is to walk into a Thai restaurant, order some Pad Thai or whatever foods tickle their pickle and enjoy. That's the first step. Then, take a trip there. They'll see what I see. The country and its people... better yet, my country and our people will leave everyone breathless.

I <3 Sarah and Leah... mandoo, karaoke [well, you two], SMORES!

Walking away from someone who meant a great deal to me is hard [more so than I expected]. Why is it that when I think I'm ready to move on, I become so weak and helpless? All I wanted was a single glimpse at a face I knew so well... and I got a chance to. I should have walked away. I should have. But I didn't. There I was, stupidly peering into the window long enough so that recognition registered for the both of us. I didn't know what to say first because I've been wanting to say a great deal. Then I heard the voice, a voice so familiar that its tone was haunting. Edging towards the direction the four of us were heading, I managed to say "hey" and waved my gay wave. I walked away from the face that matched the voice, and gosh my insides hurt. I'm a non-squeezable sponge, soaking and absorbing every emotion, thought, detail, without releasing a single drip. Detachment is a b----. Why is this taking so long? This is friendship. Imagine how crazy hard it must have been for those who have severed ties within a relationship. Ouch.
A while back, I confessed to Arn, "We're all leading such different lives now." He responds, "Nah, I don't think our lives are different, just apart." True, true. Granted that everyone does their part to keep in touch, this winter break [the first of many opportunities] is when lives merge together. Make it happen!! good friends and family + good conversation = good times, good times...

12/23/01 Feeling Home
[Thank you Shuey for inviting us, and Ji and Smells too. Thanks Sarah my "double cell activation" baby. Sorry about killing your night. Muchas gracias Paul--cheater cheater--for being the awesome dude you are and picking us up.]

Home is comfort and security. Home is warmth and love. Home is family. Just as a house can be a home, [if all of these feelings are smushed into it], Stuy has become what my new house is to me... a home.

On Friday, I went back to visit. Greeted by smiles and hugs and laughter, I was incredibly happy to see all the '01s and teachers. My teachers remembered me... all of them. cheeez If anything, that made my day. [Smores with Arn and Mike at X and O Cosi was awesome too!] Even Mr. LaBonne, whom I had as an English teacher my sophomore year, gave me a hug and stopped whatever he was doing to say hello. Too bad Dr. Niglio wasn't there HAHA. Ms. Chan, Mr. Teitel, Ms. deBellis, Mr. Greenfield, Mr. Grossman. Ah, Mr. G--my most favorite teacher-- went out of his way to listen and talk, just as he did for the past two years. We both knew that he was running late to meet Mrs. G and Gabe for their weekend trip to the Hamptons, yet he still managed to set aside some time and sat on the bench with me. We touched upon boys, friends, college, family and you know, stuff that I would share with kids my age. I told him I had a sip of a screwdriver. He told me that he drank beer almost every day. I told him that everybody hooks up left and right, without any intention of a meaningful relationship. He told me that he must have been the most shallow person in college. I told him that most college kids are self-absorbed. He told me "Yeah, but I want to hear more about you!" hahha Mr. Grossman is my Morrie. HE makes Stuyvesant feel like home.


Ace: "You chill with white people here?"
Luck: "Yeahhh I do. With everyone and I love it. None of that aZn crap."
Ace: "Why don't you like them?"
Luck: "They're mad pretentious."
Ace: "What the? Pretentious?"
Luck: "Like NYC Flushing... thinking they're so cool ugh yuck. Freakin' I traveled so far to get away from that..."

I have a problem with diction. You know, trying to find the correct term to fit my thoughts. Maybe pretentious isn't the right word.........exclusive? During our ride down to Connecticut, we talked about college and updated each other on things. He was surprised meeting my buddies at school because none of them are Asian or rather "aZn". S'all good :) Hey, I'm not denying my high school experience at all because most of my closest friends back home are Asian. I'm just saying I'm ready and willing to revert back to my JHS days at 122 Academy. Now that was multicultural baby. [Sarah knows!]

I know Ace is kind of happy for me because I'm doing my own thing. Call me whitewashed, call me twinky, but don't expect me to give a pissing peesheets. Seriously, college is a microcosm of the real world. The demographics of Stuy aren't realistic. When we start working in a couple of years, the environment will parallel that of college. 80% white, 20% other, 12 or something like that of which will be Asian. What are those exclusive people going to do in the real world? Congregate in K-town every weekend and drink, thinking that's culture? Stick with pale cakey-faced, bleached-hair girls [who drink just to get drunk] and cocky guys [who are too gay sporting the ghetto thug or gq funeral look]? Freak that. Hopefully people will soon realize that that "cool sh--" is retarded. This isn't high school. No one in college gives a rat's arse about such trivialities. OoO you dropped? That's nice. OoO you blazed? OK buddy. OOo you got some a--? Good golly you deserve a biscuit. It's one thing if a person does stuff because he or she wants to. I respect that and by no means am I dogging on it. But to jump on the bandwagon and do stuff because it's apparently cool-- "to fit in"--and gloat about it is ehhh.

I'm here in at my brother's dorm right now, and seeing him interact with everyone makes me feel proud--pounds and hugs right and left. As if I expected any less. :)

"I will go in this way, and find my own way out. I won't tell you to be here, but I'm coming to much more." - [Dave Matthews Band]

Leah and I talked for over two hours on the phone. How about that??? =D

One more day. Whew.

...which reminds me, daYAm "it's been quite a while". This phrase applies to several people in my life. I don't even know where I stand with them. Weeks, months or perhaps years from now, I wonder if they'll remain in my thoughts. hahh most probably. Sometimes I want to fastforward time and see what will happen. But that ability will devoid me of experiencing the stuff in between. Imagine waking up one day and realizing that everyone who mattered just disappeared. I want to see who will give the eulogy at my funeral, if anyone at all... who will attend my funeral... things like that. Funny, college babes find themselves awake in the wee hours, trying to figure out where they belong and who they are: existential crep. Yes, this has been accepted as fact. =D Really, I wonder about the mark I'll leave behind, the impact I'll have not only on society , but also on the people I've met. It's crazy but I want to make a difference, both personally and professionally. Politicians influence the way people live. Doctors help improve the way people feel. But writers... writers, have the awesome ability to change the way people think and view the world. They entertain, inform, persuade. Sh--! The written word is powerful. I can't wait.

Since September 11th, I have promised myself to put forth the extra effort in the relationships I have with others, especially those formed with family and close friends. Nowadays, I say "I miss you [man]" a lot and I give out hugs more often than I used to. No shame in being touchy!This is huge coming from a person who pokes people as a hug, who punches people as a sign of affection. Ask anyone. As for those people who I haven't talked to in a while, I'm holding on until our thread of friendship snaps. In my mind, I picture attending their weddings, taking care of their kids, eating weekly or bi-weekly lunches decked out in business gear, attending courtside bball games because the tickets will finally be affordable, etc. Something inside urges me to confront them and assure them that once a friend, always a friend, buy it's definitely easier said than done. Should I? ehh I guess the events of September wasn't enough--enough to change their mentality. The possibility of death didn't affect them as much as it affected me.

Despite the indifferent vibe I give off, I still care. I do. I'm just... scared and tired.

ahhh 9am history final... OVER :)

12/10/01 Knickerbockers?
OH NO! I like Van Gundy... I do!! =( He and his stressed out face can't be replaced. Why did he resign? Is Don Chaney any good? AHHH Retardo Pres and GM Scott Laden should go the freak away! I can't concentrate anymore.

You know what I find incredibly sexxxy? Humility. Someone who learns from the wrongs and strives for the rights. Someone who does not indulge in self-pity or maximize his bragging rights. Someone who appreciates what he has and believes in himself enough to achieve what he wants. Humility with a touch of confidence is sexy.

12/7-9 Lucky's Weekend Wake-ups<
1. Looks like there might be a white Christmas after all. =)
2. Stuy is allowing alumni to visit on the 20th and the 21st from 12pm-3pm. YAY!
3. Uconn vs. Northeastern. Ace played the last couple of minutes of the blow out game last night. He did, he did!!! Jean called me and said that the crowd at Gample chanted his name and the commentator gave a shout out to Science and the Connecticut local station replayed his fake move and and... ok I'll shush now.
4. BC Eagles rock. Troy Bell and Ryan Sidney are taking the team to the Big East and at least Elite 8. No doubt.
5. Yesterday, I ate at Mickey D's for the first time in months. ehh even Filet o' Fish never tasted so good.
6. Hugh Jackman hosted SNL last night. I blush just watching him. =X I can't wait to watch Leopold & Kate. Or is it Kate & Leopold? The movie stars Meg Ryan and Breckin Meyers too!
7. I took three dumps this morning. That reminds me ... I have the awesome but weird ability to crep on command. Really! Just give me three mins and a toilet.
8. Remember Rebecca Saelfon? She was my swim gym partner sophomore year. hahhahaha I have replayed her National Spelling Bee win at least eleven times. I have the link from cnn and no, I did not search for it. >) She's just so hyperactive!
9. Jenny and I noticed that we both have "cool", easy to remember cell numbers. HAHA ok. "Da woman" and I have [potential Brad] plans this winter break. :) She'll whip me up into a toughy once again.
10. My ethernet connection isn't working right now. :T I think it's my PCI card. I'll just have to connect with the telephone jack or not go online too much. That is, until I go home to Woodside and buy a new one. uh huh this plan works well with upcoming papers and finals!
12/7/01 3:58 am
I've decided to mesh tidbits of xanga entries here. Who knows how much longer Xanga will last? Marsh and Socks is here to stay and so I want to document my thoughts in a safe and secure place. HAH Where else but geocities?

12/6/01 Silence
Lately, I've been having these urges to call people and say hello, mostly to people I haven't talked to in a while. I don't know what's stopping me from doing so. Maybe it's out of fear that the other person will be too busy to respond or too disinterested to care anymore.

Even five or ten minutes worth of nonsense blabber would make my day. Like yesterday, I called Arnold out of the blue, to tell him how badly the Nets were whooping on Phoenix and his Marbury a--. Steps talks too much. 22 point margin with 2.5 mins remaining. Kidd with the assists. Kittles back in action. We talked for a bit and then I called Paul to thank him for sharing with me his super long essay. The night before, I called Shuey. We talked for a WHILE as always to catch up. =D And earlier in the week, I called Sarah and we talked for hours--literally. Simple calls. I should do that more often. People should do that more often. I'm sure everyone wants to hear a familiar voice.

What most people consider an awkward silence doesn't bother me. Some silences are nice, just to have the other person on the other end of the receiver... there. In person, I used to feel uncomfortable with silence. I found myself filling those moments with forced conversation. Nowadays, I kind of revel at the thought of walking around [wherever] with someone, taking in the atmosphere, enjoying his/her company... and if this all happens in the midst of silence, then so be it. The time spent together will be just as nice. It's weird. I miss my "..." friends. Old isn't the right word. I don't believe someone can be considered an old friend. We may grow old together, but true friendship never grows old. Until an appropriate word comes to mind, I'll just have to leave it at that.

Close friends?

12/5/01 L
Love is desire. Is desire a lack or a surplus? In philosophy class, we're studying Eros [desire]. I wonder about people in their mid 30's or older who haven't found their respective parters in life yet and who seem perfectly fine with leading a life in solitude. Do they feel complete? And if they do, then L is not a lack, but a surplus emotion--something that just adds to the quality of life. They must feel as though they're not missing out on anything. But what about those people who are still in search of L, who feel the need to be fulfilled? Does that mean that they're incomplete until someone makes them whole again? And if that is so, then L is a lack, an emptiness waiting to be filled.

Can one feel a lack without having experienced what it is like to be in L in the first place? mMm if someone feels fulfilled being alone and one dayfalls in L, the L will be a surplus. What if that person loses the L? Will he/she feel incomplete without it and view L as a lack? It's kind of like the chicken or the egg debate. Confusing as heck!

I have to write a final paper on L and can't help but wonder what the general consensus is. Thinking really hurts my peabrain. This mushy stuff is ehh! Sometimes L is so simple, why overanalyze it? And at other times, L is so complex that we need to pick at it. YUCKY yuck at this duality! L is relative and varies with each individual. My two cents: because I am the way that I am, I think we are all born incomplete. And we remain that way until we find someone who stimulates us, who is compatible with us, who best complements us . Only then, are we complete. But I've never experienced L so I know jack =D. Anyany, Bernie Mack was crazy funny hosting the Billboard Music Awards. hahahha I'm having flashbacks of The Kings of Comedy. "Doggone".

12/4/01 Silver Lining
Creed writes awesome lyrics. This song is SO GOOD.

Don't Stop Dancing - Creed

at times life is wicked and I just can’t see the light a silver lining sometimes isn’t enough to make some wrongs seem right whatever life brings I’ve been through everything and now I’m on my knees again but I know I must go on although I hurt I must be strong because inside I know that many feel this way children don’t stop dancing believe you can fly away away at times life’s unfair and you know it’s plain to see hey God I know I’m just a dot in this world have you forgot about me? whatever life brings I’ve been through everything and now I’m on my knees again but I know I must go on although I hurt I must be strong because inside I know that many feel this way am I hiding in the shadows? forget the pain and forget the sorrows but I know I must go on although I hurt I must be strong because inside I know that many feel this way children don’t stop dancing believe you can fly away away am I hiding in the shadows? are we hiding in the shadows?

A silver lining. I live in a bubble, layers removed from reality.
Death. My uncle died Sunday evening and my parents are flying back tomorrow morning to attend the funeral. His dark wrinkly face, squinty eyes and grayish-white hair are all I remember of him as a little girl. It's a shame that it takes a loss to remind me that life is so incredibly short and that time crawls towards death.
I wonder if my father's actions hurt my almost-ninety year old grandmother at all...

12/3/01 Faith
... we've been friends for too long to start over.

Because you're calling the shots this time, I wait. You said so yourself that there's no start or restart point for our friendship. You said that you're not sure of how this will all turn out. You. daYAm my enormous faith in you.

And still, I wait and wait and wait.

I wish I can offer something more complicated, but I can't. Sometimes, things are just that simple. They just are. --John from tonight's episode of Ally McBeal

11/29/01 An Ode to Smokers
As if death won't seek you out anyway... you want to join the race and kill yourself via lung cancer. WHY?

I'm sure you won't admit to thinking that you're hot sh-- when you pull out a stoge, but don't deny it. One puff makes you feel big. One pack makes you feel on top of the world. I'm certain you'll resort to a lame excuse, claiming that you've been through some traumatic and at times stressful experience, that smoking has helped you during that struggle, that your intention is to quit... soon. BS. You're just weak. You give in to temptation. Coward.

Guys mill around in front of a building, forming their pathetic congregation. Flicking away the specks of burnt crep into my eyes, they're joined by the oh-so-cool girls. Think about it. In most instances, you're prohibited to smoke inside an institution. Evident on signs, these places don't want you. Go out for a nice dinner and restaurants isolate you or ask you to freeze your a-- off in the cold. The only places that welcome smokers are bars, clubs and strip joints. And that says a lot, now doesn't it?

Smoking cigarettes is unattractive and unappealing. Heck, it's ugly. Brad Pitt smokes Marlboros and that makes him less sexy. It diminishes the beauty in you and magnifies the ugliness by massive proportions. It's bad enough if guys smoke. Imagine how disgusting girls become once they pick up the habit too. *And one more thing, if you play sports and smoke, you are not a true athlete; you're a moron attempting to play the game.

One would think that schooling has done you some good. You should know better than to kill yourself, but I guess that's overestimation. And substance smoking--be it weed, crack, etc.-- is "..." If that's the case, then you're just plain f---ing stupid.

I had an itch, and now, I've scratched it.

Serendipity [during Columbus break].

A potential wedding song... if he exists. So sweet and beautiful. I love piano music!
Destiny - Jordan Hill, Billy Porter & Jim Brickman [piano]
what if i never knew what if i never found u i'd never have this feeling in my heart how did this come to be? i dont know how u found me but from the moment i saw you deep inside my heart i knew baby you're my destiny you and i were meant to be with all my heart and soul i'd give my love to have and hold and as far as i can see you were always meant to be my destiny i wanted someone like you someone that i could hold on to and give my love until the end of time but forever was just a word [just a word] something i'd only heard about but now you're always there for me when you say forever i believe baby you're my destiny you and i were meant to be with all my heart and soul i'd give my love to have and hold and as far as i can see you were always meant to be my destiny maybe all we need is just a little faith cause baby i believe that love will find a way baby you're my destiny you and i were meant to be with all my heart and soul i'd give my love to have and hold and as far as i can see from now until eternity you were always meant to be my destiny... you're my destiny

I forgot to save all my courses during registration. Smart. The classes chosen became closed within minutes. AND, I purposely did not attend history lecture because I feel yucky. Sick? I'm tired. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)haahAHah "SUHHH-LUHHHT"!!

Thanksgiving break was ... nice.

If there's anything I've learned throughout high school, it is that the world doesn't stop at our grievances or worries, complaints or disillusions. Nor does it stop to celebrate our happiness. Such disappointments and fulfillments are personal and experienced within. Other people think they know; some may even come close to understanding us, but it's all about the "I", the "ME".

And now, I further realize that each little moment in our seemingly pathetic lives is significant even when it stands isolated. Remember that move to the new neighborhood? That entrance exam into a Science HS? That drift from Alexander's to Macy's? That pair of plaid Gap Kids pants? That gradual drift from 95.5 PLJ and Mix 105.1 to Z100 and Hot97? That daily taste of Mr. Softee ice-cream after school? That point when several best friends diminished into one? First experiences... first basketball game, first crush, first snow sledding down the hill, first hug, first embarrassing moment? Sure, certain images distort and feelings shuffle in time i.e. the guy in my Adventureland pre-school class might have picked and rolled his boogers, but when I was four, he was sooo the cutest kid. [This is purely hypothetical. For reals hahahh] The fact that the event happened, that we felt the emotions we felt accounts for something. Looking at a photograph is similar to recollecting memories. With each glance, we are able to create and/or recreate a different memoir every time.

Change. Quite frankly, all this talk about how people have or haven't changed is worn-out. Appearance, personality, habits. What the heys?! As if people aren't allowed to do as they please? Yadda yadda yadda. College is just an institution and peer influence is just that, an influence; both are merely external. Whether we change or not is a personal choice left to the individual. At eighteen, we're mature enough to realize what contributes or hinders our growth as adults. If the change is positive, then great. If the change is negative, then we'll realize it in due time and reflect: "What the he--? Was I even thinking?" If the change is neither nor and just different, then so be it. Judgment lies within ourselves. There is only one exception to this situation, and that is if promises are broken. Unless we are able to back our words with actions, don't prophesize the future so carelessly. Don't tell a close friend you will never smoke if you might. Don't tell a close friend you will study hard if you won't. Don't tell a close friend you won't change if the possibility lurks. Otherwise, those close to you will find it hypocritical and pitiful and disappointing.

"Que sera sera" baby. What will be will be. Just deal. What's the point of b----ing and moaning? It used to bother me if I remained unchanged while those around me evolved. Nowadays, I don't even give two sh--s about it. I may be surprised--a little shocked--but I accept it. I stopped concerning myself with others' choices and focused on my personal growth. In the long run, that's all that matters. And that's my take.

11/26/01 HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY, ACE!
Random, jumbled, incoherent thoughts: CRAP, I gained six lbs this break--within six days. uhh Is that humanly possible? More workout time for me. No more hype come this winter. I appreciate the little time I've had to spend with family and friends, and if asked to choose, I'd rather spend it with family just because... that's the way it should be. No guilt. And that's that. I miss my mom and Ace and even dad. Hugs feel so nice. I will give them out more, not because they mean any less to me, but because everyone needs the human touch once in a while. Geez, I need to watch some movies! 3.5 more weeks. I wanted to begin keeping a journal, but I fall asleep instead. Same old sh-- everytime I see these certain individuals who make annoying comments about how I look. I feel their microscopic eyes analyzing me. Aesthetic, shallow compliments won't make me like them more. They should consider talking to a wall. I've learned to take things as they come. Memories are the greatest possessions in life. Change is interesting to watch. Sometimes it's a 360 turn. Often times, degree by degree. I'm on the outside, looking into a window. Will I ever change? Will I know it? English major. I have to support my parents. Am I more quiet? A house is not a home. Not even a big one. Home is where hearts are warmed. College is still a little lonely. daYAm I was a chubby kid. no, FAT. Sports is my savior. Thank goodness I'm active. Friendships emerge, yet the new will never replace what already exists. No such thing as old friend. Crunch time for the next three weeks. Papers galore. Focus. Ace says to be more accepting. How can I if they're so exclusive? I might be dormless next year due to that sad fact. Is that a big mistake? I don't want to be alone. Love is a scary thing. I think I'm ready though. When will he arrive? I wonder what it feels like to get wasted. Just once. The #1 requested wedding song as of April 2001 is Lonestar's Amazed. I like Frank Sinatra. Paper time!

gate 17 and Megan. hello? where are you, ma? the walkway. I'm across the walkway. no you're not. yes. no. yes. no. HUG and KISS! you're hair is falling all over the place. baby hairs are growing back. 39-18. flat screen with countless channels. thai food. karaoke system arrives. chit chat with mommy. plastic nerd frames. pho's on broadway. stuy alumni reunion. hugs and pounds and small talk. pam and i talk a while. ground zero. walk alone. dog hair fixer-upper. dinner with family. paul, yui, miyoung in a maroony-red sedan. misunderstanding. hot chocolate with Paul, Nuts, Christopher,Jenny. surprise surprise. Jenny's bF is so tall! 82934729584754 calls all over. thanksgiving feast. boston market and arunee. YUMMY. two kinds of pie. dunkin donuts. pathmark. Brad on Friends. his Vanity Fair article and hot hot hot pictures. clean up with mommy. five bottles of Remy. I talk to Ray. late night drive with Ace. Jean needs her keys. Kat drops by early. we catch up. pick up Megan. UNO's plans change to Flushing. Leah is nowhere to be seen. I give wrong directions. everyone is late, but we're the latest. lovelies. Shuey, Cindy, Ji, Ellen, Kat, Meg. donde esta Leah y Dinah? bi bim bap. coffee table. too little time to talk talk. old navy. I plan to play with mommy. movies with dad perhaps? she knocks out on the comfy couch. Ace's 21st birthday party. no one is home. Paul and Sarah. sago with Brian, Yui, David and Becky. coral blue. Martin doesn't recognize me. "chill" at oh's house. I knock out. present shopping for bro. seaport with Miyoung, Yui, Paul. footlocker sale YAY! cortes and prestos = discount. thanks Yui! aF sale but I buy NOTHING. we're so hungry. white sweater. UNO's with a sucky waiter. Annie and Yeaj make a surprise appearance. framed picturesLast night inNYC. go out or stay home? cannot register. do not want to do hw. pick out karaoke songs for mommy. we have fun. Gladiator on HBO again. laundry. hook up dell computer. sweet sleep. lunch with mom and dad. packing. airport. Megan and gate 21.

11/18/01 Stars
We went to the soccer fields around 4am and laid there underneath the blankets until 6ish. The meteor showers were breathtaking... like none other I've witnessed before in my life. Bundled up, we huddled in the center of the field and stared at the stars. During the watch, Colleen, Michelle and Denise serenaded Ed from the first floor and me; the girls find it a ritual to irritate him :D and I am clearly tonedeaf. I found myself joining in for classics like My Girl and Stand by Me but opted out and listened them rock it to Baby Got Back and I Will Survive. Music to my ears, sights to my eyes and thoughts for my mind...

I never wished upon the stars until last night. My theory is that there is always one star that shines brightest, that stands proudest. The one I wished on was my favorite. I would look away and in the corner of my eye, it remained glaring back at me and thus, I chose it. All things considered, I could have wished for L--the greatest blessing in the world, but just one is enough. Even though I know my wish will not come true, it didn't matter because at that very moment, I was at peace. It felt like a prayer, with God as my star.

Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being.
Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.
- Albert Schweitzer

11/17/01 Hit
Anyone who loves eating must hit up Mike's Pastry Inc. in the North End. Their Cannoli's are dee-lish-us to the max. mM hmM YUMMY!!! I bonded with some girls [Monica, Monica's "friend" Margy [?], Rupa, Kristen, Ivy, Saya] on my floor and we had such a great dinner at a Korean restaurant in Chinatown. My kimchi babies would have been proud because I ordered! YES. The waitress brought out an extra order of kalbi, but the owner snatched it away before I could grill. Anal anus. Afterwards, we went to the Airport to pick up Saya's boyfriend from Vassar and headed towards Mike's. The North End is a district dedicated to Italian restaurants, shops, bakeries, etc. It exerts the Little Italy vibe from back home. The streets were lit up with lamplights and people migrated from corner to corner, laughing and eating. "Mad brick" [haha Paul] last night, but that didn't matter. We ended the night with some salsa lessons and joined by other gals, a showing of Coyote Ugly. I love that movie! It was really fun and we agreed to hit up other retaurants and places around the city once we return from Thanksgiving. :) My floor gals are nice; some were a bit surprised at my silliness and sarcasm, but I'm sure they'll realize that my "quiet" shell is just that--an exterior from una chica loca.

I missed Paul's call, but he told me that some people went to Long Beach last night! Lucky babes. That must have been so peaceful to sit around staring at the stars and talk about things. I miss having those conversations. Hopefully I'll have some feel-good moments soon.

Shuey didn't give me a chance to prove her wrong yet again! haHAha not that I'm complaining because I love talking to my babe, and I can always count on her. *huge punch on the right arm* Excuse #845703459 [haha jkjk]: it's just that I wanted to let her have fun with Smelly and call her after their weekend together, but right now, she's telling us stories simultaneously... to me, via phone and to Ellen, direct convo. Really, I shall! They had fun at a frat last night doing some crazy stuff. Shoot, I can always rely on girls to have a FUN. You go girls. [Mucho thanks to Ji for inspiring me again.]

Meteor showers tonight 12am-4am!

11/15/01 Hope
[... as written in the xanga site.]
Hope Photographs is an exhibition in the McMullen Museum - Devlin Hall at my school. The gallery showcases photos that depict hope and posts commentary written by the faculty of BC. This image [Akira] is my favorite. [Mario Cravo Neto, Akira (head), 1992 Gelatin silver print,15?x 15?Inches]The baby just makes me smile.

What is hope anyway? Is it an "expectation of something desired"? To me, hope is the intangible that guides us, that strengthens us, that gives us reason to go on doing what it is that we do... living. Not existing, but living. I visited HP with Dinah a short while following the events of September 11th. Because we had both anticipated this since orientation, the trip proved to be more than enjoyment. With the recent tragedy and the transition into college, uncertainty engulfed my sphere. But you know what? After visiting the gallery, I walked out of the hall with a sense of security. The world didn't seem as bleak anymore, but rather, promising. I really wish people could see it. The next best thing is visiting the site: Selected Hope Photos. Believe me, they're inspirational.

I want to take out my camera and continue photography! Perhaps this weekend. :) Mr. Gordon would be proud. No doubt.

11/14/01 Candy for Me
I think that ...
Keanu Reeves is !!! [Matrix Reloaded]
Hayden Christensen is !!! [Life as a House; Episode II]
Scott Speedman is !!! [Felicity]

These actors share two notable qualities: 1. Intensity and 2. Quirky cuteness. I love watching them!

11/13/01 !

Michael, you're too much to handle. "Props" to CBS, for once! 98 Degrees and Luther Vandross and Usher just performed Man in the Mirror, and wow!!! Now, the Jackson 5 are reunited, singing their greatest hits! I Want You Back!!! I'm having so much fun watching the tribute.

11/11/01 Weekend Fun

Saturday has been very ... eventful. In fact, my weekend thus far has been really fun! For once, my sitting on my fat a-- in front of the laptop studying was interrupted, and in some ways it feels GOOD [despite the workload that is ahead this week].

After a Friday of endless classes that ended around 5:30, I bought tickets at the Airport and met up with Megan and some of her Wellesley friends at Boylston. They ate at Chinatown and we watched Shallow Hal together. Jack Black is one hilarious guy. "CUCK-KOO [hand motion] CUCK-KOO". Ah, you had to have watched it to understand. haahaha and Jason Alexander of course, had a freaky tail. What's that guy's name? Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker, delivered his real-life role in the elevator! The central idea the movie imparted concerned inner beauty, and ironically, it wasn't cliche at all. Touching. It made me think twice about my perception of people. Judgment based on face-value is no good. Acks. I mean the notion of "beauty lies within the eyes of the beholder" has always been of great significance because uhh... look at me. Yup, so you know, the message the Farrelly brothers offers is =).

Saturday, I continued my movie-watching escapade with Ivy, a buddy on my floor. We watched Life as a House. Let's just say I cried from the middle of the movie all throughout until the end. That was one whole hour of tears! Poignant and awakening. Kevin Kline was amazing and Hayden Christenson [?; the young Luke Skywalker from the next Star Wars movie], intense. If there was one movie I could recommend to everyone, it's this one! One warning--this movie makes people reflect. Life made me think of everything and reflect on my life during the movie, as opposed to other movies that made me think after I had watched them. This one actually tugs at the heart of all the things that matter in life: family, love, ambition, happiness, change, etc. I would explain it, but... just go watch!

"I became what I was meant to be. I built myself a life."

"Change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. [Change] can be so slow that you don't know if it's better or worse until it is."

And to end the night, some girls and I planned to go to an MIT frat party. They didn't provide hard liquor and since no one wanted to bring liquor, we decided to hop around Comm Ave for some parties. The one we went to wasn't too great. Shooot and it was my first party! Everyone just drank cheap beer. YUCK. Denise, Ivy and I had fun though. We were messing around on the streets and grabbed a couple of slices of pizza before heading back to Keyes. There was some drama once we arrived, so I checked into my room around 3ish. Here I am, talking to insomniac Ditty, his cousin Carol, Nina babes and yes, craving sleep.

Sunday is study day!

11/06/01 Jumbled
Is Monsters, Inc. that much better than Shrek? I can't wait to watch it one of these days! Go Pixar go!!

I need to get new frames for my glasses. Have to = need to = want to... same thing. jkjk I WANT to get new frames. :) There.

At first, I looked forward to seeing everyone and having lots of fun [since I haven't gone there since March], but ... ? Yeah? Though my mommy doesn't mind, I don't even know if I should go out Thanksgiving Eve. Nah uh, I know deep down inside why I don't think I should go, and mentioning my mom is just an excuse--a darn good one hehe. Realizing something recently, I am not really up for Exit anymore. It feels as if someone smacked me on my right butt cheek, perhaps to wake me up from lala land. The anticipation of the event is slowly fading into doubt. [daYAm, what happened all of a sudden? Man.] All I am certain of is my Stuy girls are definites on Friday. No excuses! I still want to see the many faces I miss one way or another. And if I am not able to fulfill my wish, there is always Christmas break...

download "Speechless" - Michael Jackson from his album Invincible. It's nice!

11/04/01 7:43 pm
Despite my workload, we're watching the series again! I hope the Yankees win tonight! Megan is sleeping over for the third night just to root for them, and Nina is coming over as soon as her laundry finishes. YAY!!!

Lately, I have realized more than ever that having girlfriends is truly a blessing. We have fun together and we understand each other. Besides, most of my guy friends seem to have deserted me for some reason I don't even understand. That's the way life goes, eh? :T I mean, it's always been my nature to have close guy buddies. Since I was wee old, my parents thought I was a tomboy, always playing outside and with boys, but as I grew older, they figured otherwise. [THANK GOODNESS!] haha Ace was such an influence and I wouldn't change my ways for the world. I guess throughout junior high and high school, when all the girls changed and became gaga over testosterone, I felt left out and excluded. While my girlfriends gushed over their crushes, I listened. While my boy buds were whipped over their crushes, I nodded. Till this day, to most guys, Lucky remains the "hey, waddup gee" gal, the "one of the boys" shmuck, the "next best thing" beb. It's still cool, but you know one of these days, I'll break out. =X

On a lighter note, I spent my WHOLE weekend bumming around with Megan and Nina. Sleeeeeep! Foooood! Movieeeees! What more can a bunch of bummy girls ask for? Megan slept over for three nights and took a cab back to Wellesley this morning, and Nina slept over for two nights and went back to her Hardey dorm after the wild game. =X hhahaha it was madness. Originally, we scheduled for this and that, but waking up at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and sleeping at 5 in the morning did not mesh well with such plans. We seriously vegetated our butts off and watched countless movies on cable and dvd. Before falling asleep, I would pop in a mix cd I made and force them to tolerate the sappy love songs. [I can't go to bed without doing that.] Instead of sleeping to it, we stayed up an extra hour analyzing each song and commentating here and there. Good times, good times. This is the kind of fun I dig... simple, yet satisfying. Thank you babies!

Fear #684,952,103: I fear the day someone says or thinks that I'm not good enough for the one I love. Imagine that. Oh man, oh man, I don't think I can handle holding back someone I care about because he can do "better". Scary, awful, hurtful sh--.

What does it mean when you call a guy a tool? A complete dud?

I call people now [ehhh okay, on rare occasions], and what a change of habit! Sometimes I feel guilty for not being the good friend I hoped to be. Keeping in touch is hard. YES, it is. It's even harder when...

Did you ever feel as though your calls and letters bother someone? Did you ever get a feeling, that super-gut feeling, that someone is purposely blocking you online and you have no idea why ? HAHA Well, that's what I suspect, but do not understand the incentive behind the whole deal. It's a sucky feeling, but hey, what can I do? I figure: 1. maybe I'm scary 2. maybe I'm annoying 3. maybe I'm boring 4. maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe this and maybe that. There isn't much that I can do except be me, so as of now, I shall be self-righteous and cocky and say... YOUR LOSS to my corny jokes and inner thoughts, my company and concern. True, "distance makes the heart grow fonder". Distance also makes the mind wonder, that's all.

As many people know, I'm not too fond of Frazier. He's the MSG commentator and says the most retarded things on broadcast television. The Boston Globe column reads, "As Walt "Clyde" Frazier might well have said, Michael was amblin', scramblin', and gamblin' all night long." Yeah okay, like that makes any sense! He uses SAT words like fluidity when describing Ewing's freethrows. HAHA whatever, dude! When it comes to sports, or more specifically bball, I'm really critical and defensive. Everyone should lay off MJ and give him some big ups. Seriously. He IS conditioned for a man of his age. The old vs. the new doesn't matter as long as he's back, doing his thing. Of course we'll judge him under a microscope each and every game, but that's exactly it. He has HUGE, massive balls just for returning for the second time! And you know what? Watching the Wizards play last night against the Knicks was fun, not just because of my boys, but because Jordan gave us what we wanted... entertainment.

10/30/01 ICKY
Chris. I shook his hand during the weekend before school started, while Dinah's current boyfriend, Mark, introduced us to a group of "aZn" baller guys. I didn't catch his name, but he looked mixed. I thought he was a teeny eeny bit cute =X so of course I turned red and stared at the ground. Since that day, I would see him every now and then on the bus or at the bus stop. haha turns out he lives in my dorm [Keyes North] on the second floor. The more I got to see him, the less cute he became; the more I hear people talk about him, the less appealing he is. That doesn't make any sense, now does it? A California boy and business major, his name is Chris. Chris Chin. Although he does not know I exist, I find him to be incredibly ... !!! What's the word I'm looking for? Irritating? Cocky? Smug? It's horrible and I must stop this judgmental crep, I know! But he does this thing with his lighter that's so grrr, almost as if he wants people to know that he's got stoges. He also has a demeaning look on his face that makes me feel inferior and really little. hahaha I have a feeling that his idea of working out is lifting weights and that he can't shoot jumpers if his life depended on it. Another typical aZn guy, I tell you. YUCK! He just makes me mad by being there. HAHAHA I got probs man. Every time he happens to be in front of my face, I'm dressed like a bum and I can care less. GOOD. Deep down inside, I know he's probably nice and all, but in my book, a big fat ICK thus far. I know myself... a first glance means nothing. It takes more than a .5% cuteness for me to like someone. Personality! Humor! Wit! Athleticism! All the good stuff that makes someone just so cool, you know?

"...triple X dreams I had starring you" ? I like O-town's We Fit Together. Nice beats and smooth groove. ay, some songs are so catchy but when it comes to the lyrics, mad dirty!! A couple of days ago I listened to Area Codes really closely, Mystikal said something about banging c-cks in Bangkok. hahaha that's nasty too! geez, it's only Thailand. anyway...

Oh nuts! Wizards are leading 21-19; end of the first quarter. Finally, the season opener. I miss watching Houston and Spree! MJ's not doing that badly. Will they give Brown a lot of playing time? hMm, I have just one thing to tell the Knicks... unleash the fury, boys. We've gotta show the West that they've got nothing on us. NOTHING, ya heard!

10/29/01 the movies
Wow, I can't wait to watch movies in New York. It'll be great! Over the summer, Arnold and Megan and I paid to watch Shrek [my second time because it was soo good!] and we snuck into American Outlaws, which wasn't that bad considering it was a modernized western. mM, hopefully the theater on 34th will be cheap and comfy!!!

AC4ABS: theyre openin a new loews
smishy: donde
AC4ABS: 34th st
AC4ABS: they have all these free movies this tue-thurs
smishy: !!! really ?!
smishy: ahh when is it opening ?
AC4ABS: this friday
smishy: niiice!
smishy: we must gooo!
smishy: oh nuts how will we sneak into an extra movie without your skills hahaha
AC4ABS: hahaha its not hard you jus worry too much
smishy: i know! it's a crime... we can get kicked out
smishy: arrested ?

It was my first time sneaking into a movie and watching it in full length. I know, I know... LOSER.

10/29/01 rewind/letting go
Ah, thanks for signing, Annie. uh huh our play date HAHA is still onnn! HEY, hanging at the municipals is FUN!

My gal Sarah [!] came down from Dartmouth this past weekend. AHHH, SHE was just what I needed after a long, long week. We talked and shopped and ate and shopped and talked and yup that was the gist of what went on. The Cambridge Galleria near MIT is one of the best malls in Boston. Sarah splurged baby hahaha and I added to my hoody collection. =X We walked the three floors and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Afterwards, we talked the night away in the dark until about 5am and somehow, woke up on Saturday morning/afternoon really depressed. Letting things out was really nice. HAHA I think we chatted about relationships and guys too much :T so we made it a point to leave that topic untouched the next night! Retard bassard boys! jkjk. After another day of walking around, mainly Downtown Crossing, we talked a great deal over dinner and ate kalbi, kimchi and pah juhn [? ... YUMMY!], with Nina babes [YAY!!!]. We missed Game 1 and BC/Notre Dame games, but that's okay! Thinking that a romantic comedy was a great idea, the three of us watched "My Best Friend's Wedding" on DVD, and even THAT managed to depress us a little bit... just because! Shucks. hah later that night, BET and MTV were entertaining. Is it just me or is that dmx song irritating in a catchy way? Hopefully The Wash will get on audiogalaxy just for me. HOTness. Ohh, can't wait until BSB's Drowning premieres! Finally at around 5ish, we fell asleep to sappy music from my mix cds--a daily habit of mine. On Sunday, Nina went on a duck tour with her floor while Sarah and I walked the trendy Newbury strip and visited the infamous thrift store, Garment District. No more thrift! NO. It was ehhhhh. Let's just say I am content with paying for CLEAN clothes.

"PG Fun". That's what Sarah called our weekend. HAHA I felt so bad because I'm not into the drinking/party scene here, though I wanted to show her a great time. We did have fun! Sarah promised me some R Rated fun at her tri-kap frat parties if I ever visit. I can't wait; I want my babe back!!! Thank you for such a wonderful weekend. We shall top this one with Thanksgiving [in 22 days].
Beantown aka Boston. I know there is a city full of new faces and different personalities to meet, yet I can't seem to get myself to go out of my comfort zone and allow them into my sphere. What makes matters worse is that the innate drive to go out of my way to seek people seems nonexistent! It's just not there yet. I want to want to meet new people. I want to want to make new friends. I want to want to check out the yummy eye candy roaming around campus and the streets. I want to open up, but I'm just not ready. Almost all of my friends back home and/or at their colleges far from home have found their nitche, a group that they belong to... at least someone to depend on. And I would like to say the same for myself too, but it isn't so. Socially, college seems like high school all over again, except this time around... I don't know. It's just taking longer than I expected to adjust, more so than for others and with that in mind, I'm afraid. Maybe I should have gone to Vassar. Ah, no regrets, just doubts.

Weird. Some days, I could walk around campus invisible, without recognizing a single face outside my classroom and lectures. Other days, I could walk around campus and run into lots of people, all of whom are merely acquaintances. Both situations aren't too appealing, but when asked to choose which one I'd most likely prefer, I would without doubt pick the former. Honestly, I don't need everyone to say hi to me and boost my ego. I have my ego in check =D. jkjk!

You know, it really takes a lot to to say "Don't let me let you go". And when the day came for me to utter these words of hurt to someone special, my pride was torn apart. Still feeling vulnerable, I remember that day quite clearly. He apparently got bored of me and let me go. At times I am convinced that "s'all good". But I'm not. Dude was my once-in-a-lifetime friend, at least it seemed that way. He still is, in some twisted, disappointing way. Sometimes, a deluge of memories rush into my mind, mostly of the good stuff, and I think: daYAm, our friendship could have been so much more than faded snapshots. "More" not in THAT way, but you know. Hurt ~> confusion ~> resentment ~> retreat ~> numbness ~> acceptance. Just as he has, I think I am slowly moving on, despite the fact that not a day goes by where I do not NOT think about him. Maybe this means I haven't fully come to terms with the deterioration of our friendship yet. I miss him, and admitting so is something I hardly feel and/or say without meaning. Lucky does not recite empty words. nah uh!

Nietzche wrote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". True true, but I'm afraid of going through the change and disappointment all over again. Once is way enough! If I look at the flipside, things happen for a reason. I guess? With that said, we take with us little drops of wisdom, right...? Experience.

10/25/01 2:38pm
Reading Xanga sites is addictive! AHEM Annie! Them cool cats are so funny! HAHA, geez when I go back, I can't "hang" with the city babes. :T I won't fit it. 1) I suck at bowling. 2) I don't know how to play CS. 3) I don't shoot pool. This list can go on and on forever, but let's just say I'll become the odd man out [though bowling is sooo fun.] Shucks, I'm already the one left out here because I live on a different campus than everyone else. They have their inside jokes and stuff. And when they catch me glancing down at my salad, they all exclaim, "Aww, Lucky... you should live in Upper! Why are you at Newton?" It's pity I tell ya. Pity. On Newton, Nina keeps me company sometimes, but I haven't seen her in two weeks! My floormates are super nice. I guess I haven't made that iniative to open up and become really good friends with most of them yet. Maybe there are two or three babes I would consider as buddies and not merely acquaintances. For the rest, our interactions include dinner, bathroom run-ins, laundry sessions, room invasions and tv gatherings.

This week is finally winding down, with one more midterm and small paper to go. I squeezed in less than ten hours of sleep these past three nights. With intentions of breaking night, I sat at my desk until 4:30am, but decided to nap for one hour and continue. Lo and behold, I slept through my alarm and missed my first class of the day--Freshman Writing Seminar--which begins 9am. Just as I did in high school, I thought I would pull off four years without missing one class, yet two months into the semester and I messed up. Great. There's an incredible pang of guilty hovering over my head and as I walked into conference at 11, it was so scary. Professor Jones is okay. He recently got married and has an earring. Luckily, he told me that students in the class have three freebees before the absences hurt our grades, so you know, I'll just deal. Two more baby.

I weighed myself last night after dinner and the numbers revealed a 4 lb increase. Fifteen minutes ago, I weighed myself again and the numbers went back down to normality. Well, my normality is probably like ten lbs heavier than the rest of the female population, but s'all GOOOOOOOOD. Maintenance is key. Yeah ok. Maybe this bitter verbatum is due to lack of sleep and overanalyzation. I must admit that I haven't felt too great this week [besides the few instances I got to talk on the phone, namely with mom and Jean, Shu and Arnold]... until I read Paul's letter. Real mail is the best! [Ohhh, which reminds me, I have to write back to Sara and Esther this weekend. Those babes are so thoughtful. Thank you babies!]It made me laugh and smile, squinting closely and figuring out that "Fucuen" really meant F-en, and "firry" is funny. HAHAHA! I love that handwriting though... it looks like doctor scribble. Ahh, miss ya man.

I feel like crep. I look like crep. I am crep. I think I need a run to let things out. Like alcoholics and smokers who do the things they do to relieve stress, working out is my alternative. It's not even working out... just jogging or something of that sort. [Man, I haven't touched a basketball since the summer. Shucks.] Besides, with colorful trees and leaves scattered on the roads, the foliage is really, really pretty. I need this run. That, and more water from CVS!

I am almost convinced. HAH, I'm a pro at this. mM some of the reasons need to be tweeked! The most important and unchanging rationale is still mutuality.

... twenty four legitimate reasons and counting.

Aw, I received a call from my buddy Arnold today. I am so happy! We're both the type of people who rarely initiate calls or i-m's, so it was huge! Thank you, nerd, oops I mean... you intellect you. Lately, I've become more of the initiate-it person, but there are lapses of the wait-for-it-to-happen in me. At times, I feel as though my actions remain futile, but I guess it's all worth it eh? Depends.

You know what? I miss an old friend.

10/24/01 2:16 am
Shuey, I can always count on you for our "talks" late at night. After we hung up, I looked at my cell and it read 1:00:05 HAHAHA and in our book, that's not even considered long. It feels good. Thank you baby!!! Your calls make me smile and grateful. =) Don't worry, I'll prove you wrong.

10/23/01 2:08 am
It's difficult worrying about people I sincerely care about and feeling helpless because they're not ready or willing to open up. Maybe that's how others feel when I keep things inside? Well now I'm just being big-headed to assume that there are people who actually care in the first place. HAHA too bad, I know who my lovelies are.

daYAm, Luck... why are you so stupid? There are few people in this world who are blessed with TRUE friends and you KNOW that. Why the heys are you mixing things up? This is nonsense, you know? Go back to being the person you really are... guard your ----- with everything you've got. Shelter it. Harbor it. Don't even start, if that's what it is. For reals. Get your act together.

I know. I'm trying. I DISLIKE whatever this thing is; it makes me feel lost and weak and confused. Screw this man, I'll snap out of it and back into reality soon. Just watch me. All I need is a lot of reason and a little time and a leveled mind.

10/20/01 9:40 pm; Music and VH1
AH, I'm a freakin' hermit these days, never wanting to go out. The Concert for NYC is on VH1. YAY!!!

Hero - Enrique Iglesias
would you dance if i asked you to dance would you run and never look back would you cry if you saw me cry would you save my soul tonight would you tremble if i touched your lips would you laugh oh please tell me this now would you die for the one you love hold me in your arms tonight i can be your hero baby i can kiss away the pain i will stand by you forever you can't take my breath away would you swear that you'll always be there would you lie would you run behind am i in too deep have i lost my mind i don't care you're here tonight i can be your hero baby i can kiss away the pain i will stand by you forever you can't take my breath away ohh i just want to hold you i just want to hold you am i in too deep have i lost my mind i don't care you're here tonight i can be your hero baby i can kiss away the pain i will stand by you forever you can't take my breath away i can be your hero romantic!

HAHA I have the most busted hair ever, after Supercuts. Super my a--! Anyhow, Jean and I talked online for a bit and I really really miss her. She wanted me to go down to Bing next weekend and ahhhhh I so want to! DJ Clue is going to be there and she'll be making me bibimbap. YUMMY! I've thought about going down to New York City or visiting Bing after my midterms, but since my girl Sarah is coming down from Dartmouth, how can I? YES, I'm excited to see her!!! It's causing anxiety.

BC is rockin' Pitt. 28-7, 4:27 left in the first half. Geez, athletics is crazy around here because we're division I. Eagles on the warpath!!! I think I'm the only loser on my floor without season tickets... if only I had ordered! It's unbelievably hard getting tickets reserved for the general public. Hockey is around $165. I can't imagine how expensive football and basketball are.

HAHAHA Shallow Hal and The One seem like great movies.

Ah, I miss the Watanasuparps! HAHAHA yes I do. Graduation! Each member of our family has big noses. HUGE. Ace and I always complain... it's like one-third of our faces. Seriously. Wow, I long for those lazy senioritis high school days.

10/15/01 In My Cage
It seems to me that despite my good intentions, my grades are not reflective of the effort I put forth into studying... until today. This frustration has interfered with my concentration and mentality, as if I am locked inside my cage of disappointment. 'Tis not so today! Walking out of philosophy class, my third and last class every Monday, I felt encouraged. The first draft of the line-by-line passage interpretation of Plato's Republic was indeed, on par; it wasn't great, but it wasn't bad and thankfully, my Professor agreed. I have time to fix those minor details by Friday. If I can't rock the class through participation [also known as BSing vocally... oh gosh the kids do it so often here that it is beginning to sound like elevator music--mundane!], I'll try my best to do so through written words. My newfound confidence applies to all of my classes. All I need to do is focus. FOCUS!

...but focusing is so hard when there are so many things on my mind. I can't really express them to anyone. Well, I kind of did to Paul and Chris and Dinah during Columbus Day weekend [bowling hahaha. Serendipity. Diner chat.] and so I thank them for lending me their ears and comfort. Still. Being back home felt warm, yet at the same time, I didn't want to stay inside. Believe you me,I have my reasons. Next trip, I'll be sure to spend more time with my mommy though--no doubt about that. I can't wait to go back this Thanksgiving and meet up with everyone too! AHH :)

Sometimes I sit around wondering what people hide inside; what secrets and thoughts and history the average person guards from others. Pretty overwhelming stuff if you ask me. Personally, I am the epitome of a hermit when it comes to sharing my innermost thoughts, unless they are to someone I trust and who reciprocates mutual trust. The news I find out [although weeks later] just blow me away HAHAHA. uh huh! For me, I become scared, especially when it comes down to matters of the heart. Afraid of feeling vulnerable and weak, I don't think I've ever liked liked anyone. Maybe I have and I've failed to realize that THAT is what it feels like to like someone, since there is nothing to compare the feeling to. [Bear with me on this one.] My brother teases me occasionally when I mention some guy's name because that's the only info he has on me. hah His antics are kind of cute and annoying at the same time. Ace always threatens to beat up people who mess with me, and all the while welcomes my guy buddies. Anyhow! I guess what I'm trying to express is my uncertainty towards the relationship issue. In hindsight, I'm not sure as to whether it is my lack of interest in someone in particular or my lack of balls to be interested. Does that make any sense? Able to convince myself of most things, I have this instinctive habit to stop myself from even starting. Maybe that's it. Eighteen and have not yet fully lived. Oh man, you know what will be really sucky? What if I do like someone in the near future or right now and NOT even realize it until it's too late?! uh oh. Lucky is full of "inhibitions". YESsir. I don't think I can deal with a hurting heart, let alone a broken heart. There are all these stories of unrequited love and love that lacks mutuality. Although I may not be experienced on these matters, I know I'll be so whipped on "him" [if he did exist, hypothetically speaking of course]. And once he realizes how much he means to me, he'll be able to call all the shots. The ball will be in his court, not mine. He'll get really bored of me. He'll smash my heart into little pieces. He'll be my broken world. That will most likely happen, unless I am nasty, demanding, mean. >) AHH, I always picture that situation and hesitate. Cynicism is no good! My mentality is healthy at the moment because I have to concentrate on school!!! But sometimes traces of loneliness just creeps in you know? That hand to hold. That shoulder to snuggle on. That last call of the day. Until I'm brave enough to let go of these restraints, I'm stuck in my cage. Trapped.

Lucky's Fat Flubber A-- is my lazy alternative to this weblog! No html knowledge required!! Besides, everyone knows how COOL the xanga babes are thus for... Annie, Ditty, Jenny, Nutty... HAHAHA. Me too!

9/30/01 11:47 PM
The Distance - Evan and Jaron [from the Serendipity soundtrack]

the sky has lost its color the sun has turned to gray at least that's how it feels to me whenever you're away i crawl up in a corner as i watch the minutes pass each one brings me closer to the time when you'll be back you're coming back i can't take the distance i can't take the miles i can't take the time until the next time i see you smile i can't take the distance and i'm not ashamed i can't take a breath without saying your name but i can't breathe a hurricane and still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down but i can't take the distance i still believe in feelings but sometimes i feel too much i make believe you're close to me but it ain't close enough not nearly close enough

...I miss people, and I wonder if what I feel is reciprocated.

9/30/01 MJ
Last night on SNL, during Jimmy Falon's weekend news update, HAHAHA he commented on Michael Jordan's return and how the NIKE symbol [originally the spread the legs dunk, remember?] should look like: a crouching, over-the-hill shadow.It was so funny!!! Man, the Wizards' tickets are sold OUT. :T

The video/short film You Rock My World - Michael Jackson is HOT! haha Chris Tucker said "Let's beat it" ... I caught that! It's always on VH1. [Thanks Ray! You're going to be a SUPERSTAR!!!]

9/29/01 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DINAH! Avalon was a blast babes... you rocked 18 with such an awesome start. Kharma is next!! =X

9/25/01 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEAH! I miss you!

9/23/01 Wistful| HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAROL [9/21]and DENISE and Larry [9/19]!!!
After I donated blood this past week, I purchased a card for the American Red Cross crew and handed it to Mr. Mark. He and Beth are so inspiring!

On Tuesday ? I went card shopping for special people and one, in particular, caught my eye. It wasn't fancy or anything. In fact, the card was as plain and boring as can be, yet its words are so beautiful to me... [from Hallmark]
I carried a picture of you
ever since I was young
and believed in fairy tales.
I carried a picture of you
through all the times
love let me down
and through all the times
I thought that
I would never meet you
in this life.

I carried a picture of you
not in my pocket,
but in my heart.

I didn't know what
you would look like,
but I knew what it
would feel like
to finally know you
and be with you-

safe and protected
and accepted-
like I'd finally found
my home.

!!! You can imagine my immediate reaction after picking up this card. I couldn't put it back in its slot. Because I'm such a sap, I bought it. Big fat loser? YES. Every day, I glance at my cork board and with wistful hopes, repeat its words. Ever since I was a little girl, this is what I envisioned true L to be. True L does exist. It does. And maybe, just maybe... If or until I can give this card to !!! [my exclamation marks mean "the one"], his shadow remains crystal clear in my mind and heart. =)

Around here, there are virtually no couples. I was extremely shocked to have seen two couples--at most-- on campus. I asked Dinah if she noticed this at all and she agreed. We concluded that people are more interested in "hooking up". The ambiguity of the phrase may imply whatever we want it to, but we all know what it REALLY means. HAHA jkjk! Everywhere we turn, we see buddies who flirt and buddies who hook up; nothing more. Perhaps there are couples, but believe you me, the sightings are rare. Some babes say we meet our future spouses in college. Yeah, OKAY. NO. I should lighten up a bit, but hey, I tell it how it is!!

Super duper thank you to MEANY! Thank you for the sweatshirt hoody; it keeps me cozy and warm [better than my "flubber"]!

9/14/01 Homesick Snaps
I miss everything about home...
... my family.
... my city. [I took this picture for photography class, yet I never once thought to take a snapshot of the buildings on Stuy's side of the Hudson River. :T]
... my school.
... and of course, my buddies. [Pictures will be up soon. I went buck with the scanner in the SLSC! =)]
Ohhh GREAT NEWS! Although I felt stupid because BC is already underway with starting a relief fund, it is thrilling to know that our community is pitching in too. YAY! I'm going to definitely drop by the table next week.

9/13/01 Hello all...
It's Lucky.
My heart hurts and there's no other way to describe it. Usually I don't send out mass mails except forwarded songs, but I just want to urge everyone to consider donations as a means of HELP. I feel as powerless as everyone else, and being so far away from the city right now doesn't help at all.

Perhaps donating blood and making monetary donations would best help the situation wouldn't it? It's great to hear that everyone back home is pitching in all that they can. The human spirit. Cliche as it may sound, my mommy told me that just thinking about helping is "half the battle". On the phone that day and yesterday as well, we spoke of how everyone is out there, doing all that they can. Despite her health conditions, she told me of how she wish she could go downtown to assist the volunteers with drinks and comforting words. She also wanted to donate blood. She says she has type O blood-- the most rare of all blood types-- but because she is weak, I told her to donate money instead. She truly inspires me and I too, will donate blood [on campus]. Here at BC, the blood drive is under way and if the paperwork is cleared up with the undergraduate government, we will be able to collect money soon-- a fund. I spoke to Tanya, my interviewer for the AHANA leadership council in school and hopefully, we'll be able to start the fund really soon.

So many people have been sending out emails and speaking out about their personal struggles and WOW... I am speechless. I'm certain that for those of us who are not able to be there or who cannot help directly [because I heard there are enough volunteers in the area] still want to help as much as possible. Check out - American Tragedy - How to Help. It offers some ideas as to where and how we can go about in doing so!

I miss my family and friends and those who are dear to me.
My prayers are with everyone.

Maybe I should send this out? mMm... I shall.

9/12/01I Pray
Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the
paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff
they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the
days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of
the LORD for ever.

Quoted by President Bush last night a little after 8:30 PM, this passage was also handed out during my Cornerstone Seminar and although I am not Christian nor Catholic, it touched me greatly. In a time of crisis, does it really matter what religion we practice or what sect we belong to? NO, it really doesn't... and I wish people can accept that. Each night I pray to a higher power because I DO believe [in Buddha]; I extend my prayers to those victims and their families, those volunteers, those brave men and women [or heroes helping out] and just everyone affected by this tragedy. The World Trade Center is gone. I wish I was back home... hearing the voices of the people dear to me and watching horrid images of my city and its people and seeing glimpses of the bridge leading into Stuy just aren't enough at this point in time. Until I was able to talk to my mommy, I cried. Grateful for the safety of my family and friends, I fear for the many people who are unaccounted for and for those who have yet to hear about them. Never before have I felt so helpless and powerless, scared because our sense of security has been shattered. A tragedy like this causes me to re-evaluate everything in my life, one step at a time. My heart aches.

There is a quatrain "circulating the internet after the WTC bombings". It is NOT written by Nostradamus. City of God

Neitzche wrote, "Punishment as a declaration of war and a war measure against an enemy of peace, of the law, or order, of the authorities, whom, as a danger to the community, as one who has broken the contract that defines the conditions under which it exists, as a rebel, a traitor, and a breaker of the peace, one opposes with the means of war.--" This is what I fear. Along the same lines, I agree with his claim that, "punishment tames men, but it does not make them "better". So what will be done? Will justice be served? And how? I'm scared.


The Cheesecake Factory is sooo yummy! Carol, Dinah and I bonded girly-style last night. YUM. We decided not to go dancing and quite honestly, I haven't had the urge to party yet. key word: YET. HAHA ok. Well, I heard MIT frat parties are fun, except Wellesley babes raid them like crazy! And people have to be nineteen to get into clubs! :T Besides, I'd much rather check out the small shops and walk around city streets.

Without other distractions, classes are difficult as they are. The first week flew by. Each day seems so short, although the hours add up to a huge chunk. Somehow, the time spent eating or commuting or visiting a room amounts to more than I thought! This semester entails three courses with emphasis on writing... modern history I, first year writing seminar, philosophy of the person. It's intimidating. Lectures are boring, but imagine discussions! Aw, that will be dreadful. Fortunately, my two other classes are centered on concepts ... environmental geoscience and rhetorical tradition. In the latter, we watch advertisements and analyze famous speeches! How great is that ? All these classes begin at 9 am, but that's all right. I have time to jog or swim almost every day with the current schedule. Go away freshman fifteen. =D

*Note to anyone who wants to visit Chinatown here. Allow me to be your tour guide. Give me a token and put me on the T; I'll get off at some random stop, walk around for hours and eventually, we'll find it. That's what I did today ... ALONE! The horrors. Never gravitate towards a group of China China babes. =(

9/3/01 Marshmallows and Mismatched Socks
I have been debating over whether or not I should continue keeping this weblog and if I do, if I should change the title. Although I may not update this site as much as I would like to, I decided to keep it. Just because I am in Boston does not mean I have given up marshmallows in my hot chocolate or wearing mismatched socks [from time to time]. =)

College town. Boston is full of young people. So far, we visited the Prudential Center and Harvard Square. The train line here is called the T and it's a like a bus on rails, that runs 20 mph. Slowness. From BC's main campus, getting around is quite convenient. However, for me, traveling anywhere is a dreaded process. Newton campus is 1.5 miles away; therefore, I have to commute to get to classes, to meet people, to eat good food. What's nice about it is how quiet and peaceful everything is. Because I live in a single, in a room, in a corner, it is harder to meet my hallmates, but I'll manage with the loneliness! Bathroom trips earn me new acquaintances every day. I wonder how everyone is doing... if they're feeling the same way I do? The past few days have been my settling in mode. Adjusting to a new environment with different people takes more time than I thought. I miss home. I miss NYC. I miss my parents, my brother, my friends. Luckily, Nina and Dinah and Esther are here to see that we make the best of our free days together. And, of course wild child Megan! uh oh classes start tomorrow! YIKES!

I will chronicle my Boston adventure again!

8/26/01 soothe my soul
Esther bought me the Lifehouse cd this past Christmas. I was thrilled. Since then, track 11 has truly spoken to me on a personal level. When I feel lost and confused, angry and hurt, uncertain and doubtful, Wade's voice and lyrics soothe my soul. Everything will be okay.
Somewhere in Between - Lifehouse
i can't be losing sleep over this no i can't and now i cannot stop pacing give me a few hours i'll have this all sorted out if my mind would just stop racing 'cause i cannot stand still i can't be this unsteady this cannot be happening this is over my head but underneath my feet 'cause by tomorrow morning i'll have this thing beat and everything will be back to the way that it was i wish that it was just that easy 'cause i'm waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow and i'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream would you catch me if i fall out of what i fell in don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again i don't want to run away from this i know that i just don't need this 'cause i cannot stand still i can't be this unsteady this cannot be happening 'cause i'm waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow and i'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream

8/25/01 1:13 AM
... and today was one of the better dinners I've had in a long while. I had good company, good conversation, good food. Have you ever taken a long, deep breath and the sigh that immediately follows seems to have some type of emotion, as if the sigh can smile ? Walking away from the Q train and turning my back towards someone unlike anyone I've ever met, I breathed. We will keep in touch. I know. Take care of yourself, Mr. Chao.

8/24/01 ...
Sometimes when we talk about change, we fail to consider how we might be in that situation. I don't want to disappoint anyone or become a totally different person because of the college experience. Hopefully, I won't. Hurt and disappointed before, I have never been able to understand all of this. NOW, I accept that people grow. Otherwise, what's the point of our parents paying thousands and thousands of dollars for four years ? By eighteen, I'd like to think that I have a solid idea of who I am, with a distinct personality that will most likely remain unchanged, give or take a few minor adjustments. With great faith in those special people I deem friends, they will remain constants in my life; I too want to remain a constant in their lives... or at least give my all. That is a promise.

Person 1: can u really change THAT much
Person 2: people in general ?
Person 1: yea
Person 2: maybe not
Person 1: i mean juss cuz u go somewhere different doesn't mean that ur gonna go out and turn into different person
Person 1: if u do, u were never that person to begin with
Person 1: thats how i see it
Person 2: that the person u supposedly are is just a front ?
Person 1: yea kinda
Person 1: like ur holding back or something
Person 1: and when u go to away u let urself be who u really are
Person 1: yea a front
Person 2: and the people we know now don't seem to be like that
Person 1: they dont'
Person 1: so u have nothing to be worried about
Person 1: hopefully
Person 1: but still..things happen so u never know
Person 2: i used to think like u
Person 1: but u evolved eh?
Person 2: but i think i expected too much and it kinda hurt
Person 1: probably
Person 2: because i was the one who remained unchanged during the time
Person 2: so now when it's our turn
Person 1: do u think ur gonna be the one changing?

8/18/01 Sad
"I'm never too far away. I won't let time erase one bit of yesterday." [Never Too Far - Mariah Carey]

We made last minute memories the past two days. Go GT and Bust a Move go! Once again, Larry held a bbq at his Kew Gardens house on the 16th. I've been looking forward to it for a while and when the big day came, it did not fall short of any expectation. It was a blast. On Thursday, more so on Friday, I realized that our group of friends [guys and gals] ... is neat! Sure, we didn't play every single day or call each other when something significant happens, but we have a great time together, talk to and laugh at and keep tabs on one another's mishaps. There are no traces of awkwardness when we get together. Throughout high school, we might not have been the so-called "coolest" kids in school [if one did exist], hanging out on the senior bar with the Korean punkaroos or whoever, yet we weren't anti-social bookworms neither. We got along with everyone. You can say we were the good-natured goofballs who didn't hate. YES. And for our last dinner together on Friday the 17th, we ate at Applebees on 42nd Street, attracting many glances and whispers because it was such a large group. Tourists =). I was extremely excited to see everyone, and to talk talk talk. The night came to an end for some people, and it was too WEIRD. [I played out "surreal".] It felt like graduation all over again. Although a part of me wanted to give out hugs to everyone, I settled with bear hugs for the gals and high fives for the guys. We said our good-byes and good lucks, but deep down inside, we all knew that we really meant was "talk to you soon" and "see you later"! With their backs turned, they walked away, disappearing in the crowd. I realized that this is it. A turning point. Amy left this morning. Mike, Wilstak and Jisun leave on Monday. Esther and Peter leave on Tuesday. Katie, Shu and Kat leave on Thursday. Ray leaves on Saturday; Megan, on Sunday. Leah and Kai to Ithaca. Wilson to Penn. Sara to D.C. Andy and Ellen move out. Cindy and Louise go to the city. Larry and Arnold stick around but it won't be the same. Yvonne sets out to Hanover next month. And so forth ... BC buddies leave in ten days. It hasn't been two months since we stepped foot outside of high school, and I want to go back, where I'm sheltered and safe, where I still feel I belong. Now, one by one, we set out on different paths, believing that we'll meet again come holidays and breaks. Like Arn said, in three-month intervals: December, March, Summer. And what if we don't? What happens then? Despite my advocacy for optimism, my pessimism is legitimate. I am sad.

ohhh... dinner tonight guys!=D

Everywhere - [Michelle Branch]

turn it inside out so i can see the part of you that's drifting over me when i wake you're you're never there when i sleep you're you're everywhere you're everywhere just tell me how i got this far just tell me why you're here and who you are cause every time i look you're never there and every time i sleep you're always there cause you're everywhere to me and when i close my eyes it's you i see you're everything i know that makes me believe i'm not alone i'm not alone i recognize the way you make me feel it's hard to think that you might not be real and since now the water's getting deep i try to wipe the pain away from me away from me cause you're everywhere to me and when i close my eyes it's you i see you're everything i know that makes me believe i'm not alone i'm not alone i'm not alone and when i touch your hand it's like i understand the beauty that's within it's now that we begin you always liked my way never comes a day no matter where i go i always feel you so cause you're everywhere to me and when i close my eyes it's you i see you're everything i know that makes me believe i'm not alone cause you're everywhere to me when i catch my breath it's you i believe you're everything i know that makes me believe i'm not alone you're everyone i see so tell me do you see me

8/16/01 HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY PAUL!!!
Did you ever meet someone with whom you shared a similar personality and sarcastic sense of humor... the kind of sarcasm that'll get you in lots of trouble ? It's fun banter. Someone who connects with you on lots of levels and shares stories that never seem to bore you ? It's great conversation. Someone who never ceases to forget your thoughts and has the ability to finish your sentences ? It's the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I keep thinking what if this all fades away with time ? The understanding yields. The talking dies down. The laughter stops. The inevitable distance settles in. Oh nuts, I'll be one sad Lucky. HAHAHA "no sh-- Sherlock." yeahhh, MEANY!!!

8/11/01 3:17 am

"Ruminations"- The Chronicles of a College Career
by Aaron Karo
Ruminations on College Life
Issue #13 - Another Crazy Semester - 12/7/98
"-I think there are two types of girls in the world. The first kind will tell you honestly if their girl friend is hot. The second kind will say ‘oh, she’s cute?no matter how nasty the chick is. Never let the second type set you up on a date. Ever."

Wilson wrote about this guy in his weblog. Amit told me about him online. Chris linked me to his crazy chronicles. Karo is hilarious, and good gosh, I admit I'm the second type. HAHAHA I tend to that because I can't get myself to call someone ugly unless they're awful meanies--that's my only exception. So sue me.

Ace and I got cell phones. YAY!
American Pie relived and pizza; American Pie 2 and essays. Swim and rain.

GA was so much fun! NITRO was quite possibly the only "real rollercoaster" I experienced today [because I'm a wuss] and geez, that was awesome. Under the sun for almost ten hours, I am beyond Mexican... pitch black! I miss everyone so it was great just to walk around and wait for the crazy nuts to put their lives on the line. HAHA

Sorry Kat and Kai...

For as long as I can remember, I've always cared about what other people thought or how others perceived me. I admit it. A bad habit that has yet to be broken, I compromise myself for the sake of others. It has taken me a long time to realize that enough is enough. Sometimes I wish that I can be a stronger and better person, to rise above the trivial nonsense I consume myself with. Without telling Ray, I went to Stuyvesant today, hoping to catch him and apologize for the way I've been. The teasing and taunting are retarded; I can't believe I allowed such stupidity to get the best of me and sacrifice a great friendship. Just as long as I know what I feel is the truth should be true for others, nothing else matters. Heck, the things drilled into my head are so gay and I'm determined to fix this. Ah, I sure miss high school. Walking in made me feel foreign, yet cozy... hard to explain. HAHAHA Tony [yeahhhh!] and I talked a bit. Our young janitor/worker guy is so cute! Surprisingly he kicked my foot and asked "Hey, what are you doing? You gone, you gone ?" and I laughed, happy that he remembered me. After that incident, I saw a familiar figure, now with long curly hair HAHA, walk towards the bench I sat on. JISUN!!! At first I thought she was some caucasian babe staring at me, but to my surprise, jiii, one of my dearest lovelies! Oh, how I miss her. [Ahh thinking of Ji makes me think of Smellens and Shuey too. I miss them :T!] Until we decided that Gee Whiz was a more appropriate setting, equipped with food, we sat around talking near the lockers. YUMMY homefries and eggs and ham and toast. Must-have condiments include jelly and ketchup of course hehe.

We talked a lot about change and transition into college, sex and books, friendships and relationships. It makes me happy to hear her so optimistic and wow... her Andrew. :D Although I'm pretty good at keeping distance and holding up my guards for protection, something inside made me talk freely about people and things I wouldn't dare tell anyone I didn't trust. She made me realize that while we all care about other people and their perception of us [despite how much we deny this], we should have the ability to follow our hearts [as cliche as it may sound]. Mr. Grossman has always told me to be "authentic" in everything we do. I remember writing the 250 word essay on it too. That as long as we make our own decisions, no matter what happens in the long haul, we'll be content with it because at the time, we can't think of anything else better fitting than what we want. Does that make sense ? And how can the decision be "wrong" if at the time we made it felt "right" to us ? Despite the outcome, we'll still know that it was a personal choice. After all, to be authentic it to be courageous, to be content with our decisions. Sure, advice is good, but deciding things based on what other people say is hiding behind their shadows. If the outcome turns out to be unfavorable, they won't share our grief or disappointment. We have to live with the consequences, so why not make it our decision... these words will remain with me until the day I die. And Jisun helped remind me what I have foolishly forgotten. Memory lapse I tell you!

Jaded and wary of friendships, I'm afraid of change... of bad change. I welcome growth, just as long as it's done together. Distance makes this almost impossible. And now, as college approaches in less than three weeks, we're going to all change at different paces and grow on various levels. I know I'm going to come back for Christmas a different person, but I know that I have enough confidence in myself to undergo this transition and make it a positive one. Truth is, what I'm really scared of is being replaced. That everyone will lose their place for me, that the things that would usually be shared with me will be shared with others, that I'll gradually become a mere friend and all I'm left with are "let's catch up happenings", exchanged five months late. The joy of experiencing moments together will be rare. Can I deal with merely being a friend, when memories tell us that I was once/can be more than that ? Selfish, I know. I just can't help feeling a sense of loss. There are people I hope to have the kind of friendship with whom Jisun speaks of. Close friends don't have to see or talk to each other other every single day to be close friends. There's an underlying mutuality that will remain constant. Close friends KNOW it. They feel it. Failing to realize this earlier, I've come close to giving up, thinking that my ties with a special friend has been severed. It doesn't have to be that way. Time supposedly heals everything that has happened along the bumpy road and I will not make myself understand the past, or put myself in Dude's shoes anymore. Although it has been a while, I just need time, granted my great faith that we'll remain buddies.

Then, I visited Paul at RS, which made my smile even broader. I hope I can always "drop by" wherever they may be and talk. =)

The Princess Diaries was cute... and one particular song from its soundtrack is a delight. Ahh so sweet. Imagine if there is someone out there who believes in such beauty ? And the potential that makes one feel of great worth? The lyrics are pretty!

what makes you different [makes you beautiful] - backstreet boys
you don't run with the crowd you go your own way you don't play after dark you light up my day you've got your own kind of style kind that sets you apart baby that's why you've captured my heart i know sometimes you feel like you don't fit in and this world doesn't know what you have within when i look at you i see something rare a rose that can grow anywhere and there's no one i know that can compare what makes you different makes you beautiful what's there inside you shines through to me and in your eyes i see all the love i'll ever need what makes you different makes you beautiful to me you've got something so real you touched me so deep see what's here as a fad don't matter to me so come as you are you've got nothing to prove you've won me with all that you do and i want to take this chance to say to you what makes you different makes you beautiful what's there inside you shines through to me and in your eyes i see all the love i'll ever need what makes you different makes you beautiful you don't know how you've touched my life oh in so many ways i just can't describe you taught me what love is supposed to be you saw the little things that make you beautiful to me what makes you different makes you beautiful what's there inside you shines through to me in your eyes i see all the love i'll ever need what makes you different makes you beautiful to me everything in you is beautiful you're beautiful to me

You know what I realized ? I can care less if this journal becomes a place where I document the mundane things I do each day, rather than a collection of insights. These lists eventually become marks of my past and looking back thus far, my entries have been an eclectic mix between quotes, complaints, praise, lyrics, stories, thoughts, messages, anecdotes. I've thought about apologizing to potential readers who might want juicy details or expect substance and such, but I slapped myself silly and opened my eyes.
1. No visitors! Therefore, who am I about to apologize to ? What disappointment ?
2. I didn't create this page for anyone but myself.
3. I don't give a peeing S-WORD. Does that sound bitter ? OoO Lucky is edgy and cranky hehe. selfish too. notice all three points begin with "I". >)
My choice. I can write anything that pleases me [silly sentences inclusive], from all the bullnuts and fartcreps to the deep and profound tidbits in the world. Lately, I've needed time to sort stuff out and I still do; until I unconfuse my royally confused self, my weblogs will seem like lists-- without emotion or much thought. And guess what chickenbutts, I am content in doing so! uh huh. =)
With that said: Rush Hour. Penang. Whitestone Lanes. Fun fun fun!!!

From "Misled"
my wary one, it's far too late
to unlove each other. Instead let's cook
something elaborate and not
invite anyone to share it but eat it
all up very slowly.
-William Matthews [1942-1997]

This is by far, the weirdest Poetry in Motion tidbit I've read. Maybe because it's posted on a bus. Cooky bus riders need such excerpts to read.

8/1/01 Happy 20th MTV!
I drove four times today! 4! 4! 4! YAY!!!

Summer is passing by so quickly! At least I can look back on this week thus far, [Mon-Wed] and know that it hasn't been a complete waste. It's comforting to know that I can pick things up with certain people and there would be no awkwardness. With Ace and Jean, it has always been that way because they're older than I am and for three-quarters of the year, they're miles away. We drive around and do the best thing in the whole wide world: EAT! If there is one thing we spend the most money on, it is yummy food. Lounging around and watching tv, we discuss the latest in news, music and personal matters. Lately the conversation drifts towards this September and how different my life will be. Naturally, they advise me to study hard and explore a lot... to focus. And I also considered working, aside from volunteering and joining the student government [if they accept my application], yet I have decided that I don't want to do things half-a--ed. My brother is right. Most people work and they don't even earn too much money, sacrificing their gpa; they graduate with mediocrity. Others who embrace the college experience have fun and work hard and remain involved. Once they receive their degree, THEN they'll focus on working and maintaining a steady job. I mean seriously, my parents are paying lots of money for me to get a good education and I WILL NOT ruin this rare opportunity. Perhaps I'll work later on, say second term after I have adjusted or sophomore year, but as of now, I'm going to enter college focusing on classes and activities, discovering the city. Both babes have gone through what I am about to encounter and I truly believe them. Aren't I a lucky nut? As for eSPy and Sperms, I doubt we'll have a problem keeping in touch, especially with Leah's ride and all hehehe jkjk. Hopefully, we'll all have our licenses by the winter. [My road test is scheduled for September 5th! How nuts is that... I won't be here to take it!] HAHA And Sarah can take us on a joyride in her seXXXy church minivan. Vietnamese food and pah ping soo were good stuff! Next time we must take pictures. :D Then there is Esther, someone who I can blurt out the stupidest things to and she'll just listen and in return, tell me straight up what she thinks. Most of the time, we talk in periods, for there would be dry spells in which both of us are busy. When we do get together, it seems as though nothing has changed. Since we're pretty cheery, sometimes a wee bit too much, we laugh like chimps about the craziest things. We always end up talking about guys though. You can dig quite a bit of dirt from Esther and hold me ransom for the embarrassingly corny things I reveal. It's disgusting HAHA. John Cusack is so awesome in Cameron Crowe's Say Anything!!! Thank you for dinner!

I read this in TIME Magazine concerning Lisa Left-eye Lopez's marriage to her football husband guy... you know the one whom got his house burned down by the looney babe: "Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed."

Chop chop. Yummy yum, hello jAeCaEn. Vroom vroom, hello my Woodside babies.

Forgive... but never forget.

7/28/01 Happy 18th Birthday AMY!!!
Surprise, surprise.

7/26/01a burst
What I would do for a burst of inspiration right now... a voice to express the thoughts circling in my head. An explosion waiting to happen. An inward explosion, of course. Maybe exploring other people's thoughts will direct me towards a better understanding of what I'm feeling. Hoping to pick up the habits I've abandoned since the first day of high school, I am proud to say I am reading again!:) I can't seem to make any sense of what I'm doing or where I'm going or even, who I am. Selfish as it may sound, I long for the questions I have taken for granted: How are you? Are you all right? The inquiries that I brush off, and while smiling, reply with a bright "i am OK", quickly shifting the focus of conversation to someone or something other than me. The sincere gestures of concern that I am no longer familiar with. The ability to meet eye to eye. The warmth. Time slips by and steals away everything I have known; it leaves me with distortion.

7/9-26, 2000: BC orientation [mommy stays for a day, group 11, smiling faces, aF models, dozing off during mass, "little" luck, bbq, "social" with an awesome dj from 94.5, advisers, registration, English major ???, endless discussions, seminars, "I've never seen a black person before" , hilarious skits, awkwardness, niiice suite at Vanderslice, yummy food, riddles with Dinah and Esther Kim, dinner in Flushing]. ride shot-gun for ace to a court in wurtsboro. a scene from judge judy. butcher ray's hair. a mean barber fixes it. the psychological survey for 15 beans. walk around alone. 2.99 pre-viewed videos at Blockbuster!!! swimming. basketball. Ace with 21 fts in a row; I have 13. "Who taught you how to shoot?" Sly grin. "You did." pick up scholarship check from aaja. hours at manhattan mall. nam coffeehouse. losing my jbl ring ["is that a omen?!"]. new seXXXy computer. 40 gigs. CD-RW. DVD. rowboat in central park with Esther Oh. existentialism talk. lunch AND dinner, then Legally Blonde. resume driving lessons. burn my first cd. Curry in a Hurry is gooood food. getting to know lee wen hwan HAHA. Best Buy to buy cd-r's and The Score with mommy. Shuey and I need to catch up. Jurassic Park with Shu, Andy, Arn. My yearbook is ruined HAHAHA! fall asleep during the 5-hour class. 30+, Spanish and cheating!!! dl madness. a missed lunch due to confusion. i feel sooo guilty. Stuyvesant is not the same. linger around Battery Park. Kat, Megan Katie and I veg out and pig out. America's Sweethearts with "Woodside" babes and Katie. "Life... is a cookie." [!!!] ahhh Hank Azaria as a Latino with a lisp! Friday's. dude's birthday. we talk a bit. Penang yumms. presents for J and B. Seaport. aF has the new fall collection. freak out and splurge!!! vacuum the kitchen. my rings are back! jogging. smellens is back! Daniel's present. Cafe, Strand, library with Sarah. SAGE diner. "Are you wearing make-up?" ick NOOOO!practice fts at the Center. my period: yucky. Brian opens up a bit hehe. tag along with Chris, Leah and eSPy. apply for jobs at Starbucks and Ben and Jerry's. buffet dinner... yummy. Jay-Z = Young Hova. Kat's house. Gone in Sixty Seconds baby! Reading A Parting Gift. 29 year old BC alum is lost. we take the N together. No call-backs hahahaha! exotic lunches and dinners. craziness. late night chit chat. fun. different faces. update phone list on excel for hours. one entry. uninspired. write a list. a million thoughts. i don't understand. tears. loneliness. Ace gives me advice. i am a summer bummer.

Hopeless - [Train]
I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why everything gotta change around me I’d tell it to your face but you lost your face along the way and I’d say it on the phone if I thought you were alone why do things have to change but you don’t need my pictures on your wall you say you need no one and you don’t need my secret midnight call I guess you need no one is anybody waiting at home for you cause it’s time that will tell if it’s heaven if it’s hell or if it’s anybody waiting at home for you cause it’s time that will tell this tale you’re in and out up and down wonder if you’re lost or found but I got my hands on you are you strong enough to tow the line are you gonna make me yours or do I make you mine I’m in and out I’m up and down wonder if I’m lost or found but I need your hands on me now but you don’t need my pictures on your wall you say you need no one and you don’t need my secret midnight call I guess you need no one is anybody waiting at home for you cause it’s time that will tell if it’s heaven if it’s hell or if it’s anybody waiting at home for you cause it’s time that will tell this tale I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why everything gotta change

H to the Izzo - Jay-Z is a must dL. hot. it samples Tyrese's I Like Them Girls.

The dude is getting old =).

The Marbury-Kidd trade was a shock. Not to mention Bibby for Williams. Now, Ewing is on the Orlando Magic. hMm... fishy.

Watching Notting Hill for the very first time a few years ago, I have since decided my wedding song. The video and soundtrack are must-haves! What a sap huh? =X Ronan Keating's "When You Say Nothing At All" is one of my all-time favorite ballads. [Being the cool loser ::oxy oxy? okay!:: I am, I uploaded the song and sent it out time and time again. Everyone must experience this lovely masterpiece! YES.] I sang along with Keating, and as I imagined some guy expressing such beauty to me one day, tingles crawled all over. YIKES! Of course, I let out huge sighs. HAHAHA long mushy sighs... and afterwards, I'd put the track on repeat. For quite a while, this has been a bi-monthly ritual to lighten up my dog days. You know, certain songs performed by the opposite sex do not touch me on a personal level; the lyrics and melodies may remain the same, but there's just something about the voice. Does that make sense ? Last week, while in the car listening to the radio with my brother, we hear a clear, sweet, female voice singing to its lyrics. It was so beautiful. Just as Ronan Keating sings with vulnerable and soothing honesty, Alison Krauss breathes life into the very same song-- at least to me, anyway. With Krauss's version, I no longer feel a level removed. Instead, I sing along as though I am ten years older and wiser, as if I am deeply and madly in L, and actually have a special person in mind for once. AHH I'll bet this is all psychological and hehe guess who's got a few screws loose! I cannot decide which version I enjoy better. All I know is I'm going to sing this song to my future husband on our potential wedding day. He doesn't have to sing it back to me [but that will be so !!!]. HAHA picture a duet with a small, squeaky, tone-deaf thing in white on the mic. It'll drive everyone insane! In all seriousness, my one wish is that we will both feel everything mentioned and much more, not only that day, but for eternity. We will dance and dance to our wedding song, as one, without having to speak a word. Not one peep.

when you say nothing at all
it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
without saying a word you can light up the dark
i try as i may i could never explain
what i hear when you don't say a thing

the smile on your face lets me know that you need me
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
the touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever i fall
you say it best when you say nothing at all

all day long i can hear people talking out loud
but when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
old mister webster could never define
what's been said between your heart and mine

the smile on your face lets me know that you need me
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
the touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever i fall
you say it best when you say nothing at all

July 8-10, 2001: "It's wicked awesome y'all!" ; "park the car in the parking lot."

I can't cut hair for my life. Mission incomplete. You know man, even if we were to sit and watch the news and mtv all day today, it would have still been fun for me. HAHA I am a sluggish, bored child. Numbnuts, take the five!

7/7/01 Happy 18th ROBIN! Surprise, PAM!
"Can I buy cigarettes?"
"How old are you?"
"Let me see ID."
"Oh my God. I cannot believe this. Eighteen and you want to smoke ? What is wrong with this---"
"But, but it's not for me... Katie!"
Embarrassment. I think so. The habib dude was mean mean mean. HAHAHA I can't believe I caved into Katie's plea and bought cigarrettes today. Nah uh the box of menthol lights was not for me! As a joke on Robin, we tied a white bow around the carton because it had a haunting resemblance to the Tiffany's signature box. Indeed, we hid the real thing underneath the stoges. When Robin called me this afternoon to thank me, she told me that her whole family laughed: mission accomplished. Now that my little red-breasted Robin is finally eighteen, she's all grown up!

WOW. Noel really knows how to throw a party: food, music, entertainment. His family is very tight-knit and cheerful and his hen is named Miss Chicken! Aww, I wanted to dance to Latin music despite my inexperience... reminds me of Senora Ubieta's lessons in merengue. Yeahhh maybe I'll practice at home with Mega on the radio and take classes some day. Whee, shake that bootay! HAHA Matt went dressed as a clown! Although I felt awkward throughout the night, I am glad I went because it was something new and different. Groups make me nervous and fidgety; talking to individual people helped put me at ease. I had the opportunity to chat with Ray [which is always comfy] while getting to the Hollis house, to Danny and Becky [YAY!], to Inhan [my Boston buddy who kept me company for a long while], to Nina [who was very excited], to Pam [one of the sweetest babes in the world], to Noel [the one and only Pimp Daddy] and to Matt [wacky, goofy, good-natured chum]. Other people went too, but I don't really know them. Crazy, the only moment I felt comfortable was downtime alone signing a yearbook. With pen in hand, I wrote and wrote, filling up one page with three years' worth of memories. PD + 3T baby! Hopefully Pam will like her presents a lot. :) She was so surprised and thrilled, for the smile on her face stretched from ear to ear! And how wonderful was it for Noel and the Angeles family to do all of that ?! Thank you, man. Ahh I am going to miss seeing these faces...

Uh oh I didn't study for the Language Placement test yet :T. Big nuts!

7/6/01 Sneeze
Funny. We enumerate qualities of how and what our dream person might be. Even though we all know how unrealistic it is to do such things, we subconsciously list them anyway... just because. Sometimes the characteristics change; "the one" evolves from a quiet, witty, playful with children beb to a wild, rebellious nutcase and of course, everything in between, because we too, change. I have never really created an actual list. OKOK! Lucky's lying... I have made mental notes, but nothing etched in stone. hehe I know very well that the perfect dude does not exist. "The one" will be far from perfect in the greater scheme of things, yet exceeds perfection by infinity in my eyes. Mine. He'll watch ball and shoot around with me. He'll be my best bud. And more importantly, [crazy as it may seem], he'll say, "bless you" when I sneeze. :)That's the simplest and sweetest thing in the world. Bless you this and bless you that! Bless you! Bless you! Bless you! Aww shucks...

7/5/01 One Call
HAPPY ID4! Thanks for the bbq Larry! Two days in a row of Shu, Arn and me... wow. HAHA bastard Panda! Really Lardo, I had a lot of fun watching the bball video and playing with Ronald [for about 5 mins]. I should have asked him, "How much does the human head weigh?" How cool would it have been if he answered "eight pounds" ?!

"If you were going to die and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?"
- Stephen Levine

People call each other all the time. Phone calls are not a huge deal, but somehow, they brighten up my days. Despite its initial insignificance, a phonecall is actually a compromise between online interaction [ims and emails] and spending quality time in person. Most people are merely seven digits away from us, eleven if the area codes matter. And sadly, I realize that the many times I've wanted to pick up the phone and dial numbers of friends and family, I resist and go online instead, knowing that they'll be signed on under various aliases. Things shouldn't be like that at all. If there was no aim, I know I would make a conscious effort to keep in touch with the people I care about. I should change my ways... hehe just a matter of putting to action the words I preach, which is difficult since I'm not much of a phone person. While making an md half-awake around noon, a familiar voice echoed "hey, it's me "; I was really surprised. Like all calls, it was very unexpected. I insisted "I'm awake! I'm awake!" hahaha what a pleasant surprise indeed. Ahh, you know what makes good, satisfying conversation? A "form that inevitable, huge smile after hanging up" conversation? To me, it consists of a couple of things, more or less: to hear everything from the voice and tone to the pauses and stutters, to laugh uncontrollably and speak with serenity [when necessary] in one sitting [like mesh together topics!], to listen to every word as though each one held a hidden secret, to think aloud knowing there is no judgment on the other end of the line, to feel like the luckiest person in the world while engaged in that one conversation. Gosh, that is why I love it when Sarah calls, when Shuey gives me a ring. Thank you babies. YAY! And today's chitter ranks high among those feel-good moments =) too.

coruscate (KOR uh skayt)v.:to glitter or sparkle; to be brilliant in technique or intelligence
What an awesome word! Princeton Review still sends me daily "Today's genius Word Du Jour" :).

6/30/01 Drops of Jupiter
[from last Wed until today] No zoo. Retarded cancels. Period stains on the couch. Dosanko. Horace looks into the window. Driving. Science graduation. Kum Gang Sun. Subway sandwiches and Sunnyside walk. More Japanese food. Turquiose BR. 2 x The Fast and the Furious. Graduation. Tears during "One Moment in Time". Lots of cheers. Pretty flowers. Crab City. Moulin Rouge. ESPN Zone. Alice the waitress. Jeff and Brian get sneaky. Late night dining. "Savages... a bunch of animals!" aka Tech graduation. Stop-in lunch. " I wonder..." He has no answer for me. Go Cutco knives! Dr. Bedrosian is an a-word on the phone. I curse and it feels good. Pick up pictures. Last day of school. Mr. G and Pam provoke tears ahhh. Endless crazy yearbook signings. Smile at the camera. Shell Lanes! Kai claims victory. Forgot "scaling walls" and his wit wit wit. Seaport with Hands and Ribbons and her friend Julie. Yellow BR slippers! AF is skankalicious. Salad this, salad that at Il Porto. Fine, no "Curry in a Hurry" dinner. I give up planning for good. Resume completed. Dr. Park draws blood at 3 spots. A.I.smells. Wendy's Chicken Caesar pita gives me gas. Yearbook and pictures. Paul, Yui, Taz talk until 3:30am and slumber sleep-over. Orange moon. Stop-in brunch. Yummy pancakes. Flushing with Sarah! "He's pretty cute; he looks like a punk." 7 train ride back: "Aww that's a cute sn! I'm gonna fall for him, Luck" HAHAHA. Speedo has nothing. City walk alone. Macy's. YAY new bathing suit. The Cellar. Shuey calls as always. More pictures, now in albums. Nostalgia almost kicks in. People leave this weekend. I still wonder.

These past few days have been like Drops of Jupiter [Train]. As Pat Monohan [the lead singer] proclaims, it is a metaphor for experience.
...can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five-hour phone conversation...
really. I can't even begin to explain how overwhelming it feels to know I am incapable of having a best friend. Lately, after being surrounded by groups of people, I find comfort in walking around alone, be it on the bustling streets of my quaint neighborhood or the busy streets of Manhattan. With no restriction on time, I think about things past. Nowadays, I don't even carry my md player with me, for I find it easier to gather my thoughts and reflect on things more clearly than if I were to listen to JaRule mumbling or Boyz II Men crooning [more like wailing] in the background. It occurred to me that connecting with numerous people is nice... you know, sharing certain things with one another and bringing back old memories, with outbursts of laughter and intervals of "Yeah, I feel the same way" ... discovering their hidden secrets, realizing that those nuggets of mystery parallel my own. But these brief moments of mutual understanding are met half-way, as opposed to all the way.To be able to hold nothing back to merely ONE person surpasses all else. Fulfillment. Not everything is peaches and cream and like a two way street, friendship requires reciprocation. And if I am met with disappointment time and time again, the walls close in; my vulnerability reveals itself when the ONE person I trust is no longer there. Gosh darn, this is why I don't have a best friend, and those who have come close usually prove themselves to be just that, close friends. Train mentions the various things in life we all ought to experience, a "best friend" being one of them. hehe I'll take a rain check and opt for a "five-hour phone conversation" ... for now. :) And you know what ? That is okay!

The greatest thing you can ever learn is to love and to be loved in return. [The Moulin Rouge]

6/25/01 Happy Graduation!
It is too surreal to put into words. At least not right now.


Refreshing day.

The Space Between - Dave Matthews Band
you cannot quit me so quickly there's no hope in you for me no corner you could squeeze me but i've got all the time for you love the space between the tears we cry as the laughter keeps us coming back for more the space between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain but will i hold you again these fickle fuddled words confuse me like will it rain today we waste the hours with talking talking these twisted games we're playing we're stranger eyes with warring hearts while the wild eye beats to be the space between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain will i hold you again will i hold look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster you know you went off like a devil in a church in the middle of a crowded room all i can do my love is hope they won't take this ship down the space between where your smiling heart is where you'll find me if i get to go the space between the bullets in our fire fight is where i'll be hiding waiting for you the rain that falls splash in your heart ran like sadness down the window told the space between our wicked lies is where we hope to keep safe from pain take my hand cuz we're walking out of here right out of here love is all we need yeah the space between what's wrong and right is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you the space between your heart and mine is the space we fill with time the space between

6/23/01 12:57 am
The Fast and the Furious is an awesome movie. daYAm those suped-up cars are NICE!!! Thanks for coming out and walking me home guys. :)

The memorial for those brave firemen who died in the Astoria fire was held in Woodside today. Firemen from all over the city came to St. Sebastian's Parish Church to pay their respects and the 7 train was held up until the parade finished. Leah and I walked behind this alley since the main avenue was blocked and we were so shocked as to how many people showed up. Imagine a society in which everyone wanted to make money and become businessmen... and these traditional occupations are left untouched... a city in which men and women aspire to be anything to everything other than a firefighter or cop. It hit me like a ton of bricks today that these people who protect us, who risk their lives every day, we take for granted.

Late to the Bronx Science graduation, we arrived in the middle of Dr. Levine's speech; this man imparted the most inspiring and encouraging words to the class of 2001. He made me realize things I've always believed, but feared to voice. Levine spoke of how we can create our future, how we are destined to making our dreams come true, how years from now we will not sell ourselves short of our potential. As adults, we will not become businessmen for the power, or lawyers for the status, or doctors for money, but we will become who we want to be with a defined sense of altruism. The lives we touch and change, be they a relative, neighbor, friend or stranger, are far more important. And to be able to look into the mirror and be proud of who we are is most probably the best proof of accomplishment one can achieve. "Rich is nice and nice is good" but ehhh it's so hard to refute that without sounding like a hypocrite. I wish I taped his speech! [Hopefully Stuy will pull out such a character come this Monday, one who can top this dude! x)] With charisma and eloquence, Dr. Levine said all the right things in all the right ways, yet I remain a coward. If I am truly brave, I would have declared my major already. I haven't. However, I did walk out of MSG with a new sense of determination; English is my minor [for now] and that is that. =)

Funny. Trying not to think about the activities that mark the last few days of being a senior, I constantly avoid discussing yearbook signings, graduation practice and such. Perhaps in a few days our leave will fully hit me ? Or will it? Everything seems almost surreal...


6/20/01 PMS [upon request, this entry is dedicated to Rick who wanted to relieve his boredom -"evil Lucky"]
Girls who use PMS as an excuse to be mean and cranky are gay; the physical effects have nothing to do with the emotional well-being. Seriously.
Common Effects of Menstruation
1. Hard breasts [ kinda like when people get cold nipples-- nipplitis for the boobies!]
2. Enlarged boobs for about 3-4 days a month... YAY?
3. Painful cramps
4. Major bloating-- ick!
5. Breakouts
6. Dehydration
7. Trails of stain everywhere
8. Easy bowel movement... NO CONSTIPATION!

mM mMmm.

6/17/01 Happy Papa's Day
You know the quote that goes "Dance like no one is watching" and blah blah ? I never really knew the entire tidbit until yesterday! While strolling down the aisles of the Hallmark on Austin Street in Forest Hills, I came upon a cute card with a toddler babe; it was a photo coloring card, like that of Kim Anderson's collection. [The beb wore green underwear! =X] Ahhh I LOVE cards- card shopping, card writing, card giving, card receiving. Well anyway, it was the perfect card for Yui, so I bought it and copied down the quote:

Dance like no one is watching.
Love like you'll never be hurt.
Sing like no one is listening.
Live like it's heaven on earth.
-William Purkey

6/16/01 a little past midnight: HAPPY 18th YUI!
YAY! Looks like I win a dollar, eh? ...the Lakers dynasty.

6/12/01 Authenticity
Ah, waiting until it is 2 pm so I can go swimming and come back just in time to shower and go to our store by 5pm. eeks, I'm gonna miss Game 4! :T And while I'm online listening to DMB, I decided to post up a short tidbit about Stuy. I remember working on this piece and editing it just in time to meet the deadline by two minutes; Authenticity was written for the PA Scholarship Contest which I didn't win. I'm not disappointed at all. Obviously, it wasn't too great and I went over the word limit by 100, but still. At least I have something to look back upon years from now, knowing that I was able to take with me a memorable high school experience. Priceless. =)

6/11/01 I Guess
Everyone talks about how the prom is one of those high school milestones one should not miss out on and I guess they're right. Days are flying by in a blur and all we're left with are little snapshots-- brief moments of events and feelings and thoughts and people that create the past.

June 9, 2001. It finally came and sadly went. I must admit that I really had no expectations, although a little fun was the sole intention of the night. Truthfully, it was fun just watching people get down with their bad selves, walking around the high-B Waldorf and taking pictures of the pretty gals and gq guys. YES. And Jean told me that "sure, it's fun to dress up and feel special for merely one night, but what makes the event memorable is who your friends are and who you're with." I was lucky. I am lucky. uh huh! Thank you. My prom buddy was so laid-back and all that whatever happened, happened. That's the kind of attitude I really dig, but fail to emulate. =) Worry this, worry that. haha He taught me how to dance and I stepped on his toes: perfect trade-off. Because of his ivory tux [and the goo china red boutonniere -ahhh sorry!], anyone could have picked him out from the crowd. We took a picture, two actually and maybe that'll come out nicely. It didn't seem long enough, not at all.

I guess I worried too much that OORay wouldn't have fun and it was my fault. I guess I wanted it to be a little memorable, if anything, for him. [Well, that was achieved, since the waiters stole our food. Bassards =X! And we sat on a chair with period stains hahaha. And Luigi's shoes turned dull after I messed them up. And the souvenir glass was used. And "whoa that's Wilny times three" HAHA... and yeah.] I guess there were other things preoccupying my mind for me to be a fun person to talk to or be around. [All I did at Amy's house was sleep them away.] I guess I owe him a huge apology. I just guess. :T

6/7/01 12:26 am
HAHAHA whoa.
I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon, but I must admit that the Sixers deserve a lot more credit than I have given them. Iverson and Snow and Bell and Mutumbo =O... Don't get me wrong; the prediction still stays... although I think I'll lose the bet. They probably won't let the Lakers sweep the next 4 games so I lose the dollar. ehh I want the Sixers to win because they're the underdogs, but Kobe is the man.

6/6/01 12:27 am [although my computer clock is 5 mins fast]
Lucky: 4-1 Lakers
Jeff: 4-2 Lakers
One dollar is on the line here, Kobe. I already lost eight quarters because of the Bucks and Iverson's crazy bastard ways. Make it happen man!

Eden's Crush. I found these gals to be annoying when Get Over Yourself came out because the song was so... what's the word I'm looking for? bleh ? haha And the WB's show "Popstars" didn't relieve the negative vibe I felt towards them. Well, I'm here to admit that I tend to place judgment too quickly. Their latest track is sweet. hehe I likes =X. Hopeful and cute, Love This Way proves that catchy ballads do come along and bless manufactured teenybopper groups once in a while. Go team!

Love This Way [Eden's Crush]
i wanna run into someone's arms
lie on a bed of roses
i... i wanna feel just like juliet
i wanna fall in love

i've got a feeling everybody wants someone to love,
somebody they can trust, somebody they can touch
everybody wants to give their heart away
everybody needs a little tenderness
to feel understood, to feel passionate
everybody wants to be in love this way

6/3/01 From Bounce
"It's not brave if you're not scared."

Abby: What is it that you want, Buddy?
Buddy: Your company. The pleasure of your company. Your input on video rentals. I stand there and I can't pick anything out. I want someone to say good night to. A last call of the day. I don't have a last call of the day. Do you?
Aww... Ben Affleck delivers the best lines.

6/2/01 Care
There are certain people who exert an intense nature, the kind of intensity that makes others feel ... too. [The ellipsis is for all the appropriate adjectives one can fill in.] It's easy to tell that they're deep in thought, yet hard to figure out what it is that they're thinking about. Sometimes what is unsaid is more intimidating than what is said. I begin to realize I care about someone when the most trivial of things that bother them bother me too. And how I want to know what makes them tick and what ticks them off, why they are so wordy and so lost for words. To suspect that I am the one who creates the problems, causes them to worry , makes them feel the way they do [angry, sad, disappointed] is burdensome-- a heavy load to carry on my shoulders. What is worse is that I might not even realize it until it's too late! Despite how new or old, close or distant the friendship/relationship is, the most I can do is listen and be patient. Well, everyone needs someone to depend on. Everyone needs downtime alone too. Something like that. Perhaps one day, bits and pieces will be revealed and what is untouched will still remain a mystery. AHH Strange, how it is the not knowing or not being able to know that scares me... that makes me afraid of the human heart and mind, but all the while gravitates me towards a better understanding of both.

ehhh haha practice makes perfect, though perfection does not exist. Along the way, I'll screw up and make mistakes--I have and I will. Those who become fed up will leave--they have and they will. Others who truly understand will stick around--some have and hopefully, some will.

HSBC = Hongkong Shanghai Banking Center

Wow... get-togethers are always a lot of fun. Today's destination: Lucky's house. With cake and ice cream for Shu, china china to relieve the hunger, videos for enjoyment [Bounce is so sappy and Smellen's Amityville is uhh horror/semi-porn hahaha EWW] and the Bucks-Sixers game [RAY ALLEN is so !!!] for excitement, Arnold, Andy, Shu, Larry, Ellen, Jisun, Megan and I relaxed and mellowed out. Thanks guys :D. At first I was reluctant to have people come over because it would be such a hassle for everyone to travel home so late, but once they reassured me that it wasn't such an issue, I was extremely happy. My mom was thrilled to see everyone too! Sometimes ordinary days like today turn out to be the ones to remember. Although I'm an introvert most of the time, I love spending time in groups [with people I care about]. :)

Basketball gym is a class I look forward to; Mr. Bologna and the majority of the guys are really cool cats. HAHA I can shoot around all day, but if Yun Hee convinces me enough, I play [if one calls what I do playing] in half-court. =X At times, I feel I have something to prove to the mean jerks who doubt me. GRR. What they think shouldn't even matter, but it bothers me. A big fat you smell to the talkers and the overly competitive bums who... ok stop! AHH just a teeny bit irritated?

6/1/01 12:33 AM HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY SHU!!! YAY!
I deleted the SULFNBK.exe file by mistake. Farts, I can't retrieve it because my computer is a piece of numbnut! Hopefully it wasn't anything too important ? Aww man... Sorry for scaring everyone!

5/30/01 Happy Day Dad

" could tell about a person not from what he believed, but by what worried him." [p.19 Chang-Rae Lee's Native Speaker]
hMm... What if you're the type of person that worries about everything? A worrywart.

5/27/01 HAPPY 18th, JANIS PANIS!
senior portfolio = fun fun fun! I don't want to work on it anymore, but it's nowhere near done. hMm I wonder who the Lakers will face in the Championships.

All in favor of thanking Katrina for her endless effort say aye. AYE! Thank you babe... =)

5/26/01To DUDE
For over three hours, I sat through Pearl Harbor yesterday wide-awake. Awesome flick! Ben and Josh are so YUMMY.

Because I have the attention span of a five year old, and possibly A.D.D. [haha it's the only explanation I have for not being able to sit still], jigsaw puzzles are NOT fun; rather, 298,473,890 pieces of chaos and madness. And to my luck, memories and events-- countless jigsaw puzzle pieces-- tend to either scatter wildly or fit together in isolated clusters. These two extremes are overwhelming and the whirlwinds of emotion they bring about consume every bit of energy. Full of vivid snapshots from the past and murky visions of the future, my mind holds onto the intangible. It seems to me that I cannot hold onto anything [or anyone for that matter] as much I as try to. The close-to-picture-perfect moments I wish to relive for just one day become nothing more than illusions.

Honestly, I thought our friendship was bound to last, that no matter what trials we faced in our lives, we would be there for each other. People doubted our friendship, assuming that it would not survive the college years and remember... we were adamant in proving them wrong because HS was a breeze? In the midst of the craziness and turmoil within our lives, the Dude and Dudette connection was just about the only thing that made sense to us. Last August, we agreed that you'd go away to college, into the real world, and usher me into it too. While you walked me to the train station in the pouring rain, we didn't even say our good-byes because we knew it wasn't the last time we'd see each other. And it wasn't. We said our take cares and talk to you soons and we went our separate ways, knowing that in a couple of months, you'd come back and we'd do it all over again. And during the upcoming summer, well this summer, we'd spend as much time as possible playing and talking, taking turns treating each other to lunch and dinner.

We were going to...
Get nice Knicks tickets some day. Watch movies, being the huge movie buffs we are. Baby sit each other's kids. Laugh and talk as if each moment would be the last opportunity we had. Buy BD's present. Eventually take pictures[without the gay Knicks jerseys], although we're both camera-shy. Sweat movie stars forever. Grow old. Chitchat at Starbucks. Graduate college. Find ourselves awesome jobs. Barnes and Noble. Reassure one another. Live out the song "Crash and Burn". Rid our insecurities. Eat good food at the expense of the other person's wallet. Catch up. Attend one another's wedding. Be an analyst at ESPN sports center/sports agent and a prolific writer [in our dreams]. Talk about ball. Shed our reserved exterior. Analyze Hollywood's elite. Snap back to reality one day, but not anytime soon. Await The Matrix sequels. Introduce each other to THE ONE. Discover who we are. Bring our moms out to Broadway together.
...things like that.

But that rainy day, as we walked in different directions, our worlds sundered into separate spheres. It happened gradually, almost discreetly. If I am granted one wish from you, it would be to say good-bye before I leave for Boston, the kind of "adieu" that bids each other well in which I can thank you for helping me be the person I am today. Adolescence molds adulthood... so they say. We'll share whatever is left unsaid. And where memories flood my mind, a twinge of hope afloats that we'll "meet" again. Dulp, not literally because I can just have Ace drive by your Clyde Street house. Perhaps we'll find the connection again, not the same bond that brought us together though, but an evolving friendship. It depends whether you believe in chance or choice. Fate only takes one thus far, right? Ah, sometimes I wish the inexplicable can piece itself together, mind you jigsaw puzzles.

5/24/01 #7 HAPPY BELATED 18th YUN HEE [5/23]!
Poetry in Motion pieces make me smile. When I come across a nice one, I copy it down in my English notebook. Besides From Variations on the Word SLEEP, there are some I find worthy of remembering...


Empty, or open-hearted? Where
A full heart spoke once, now a strong
Outline is the most I dare:
A window opening into fair
Shining meadows of hopefulness? Or long
Silence where there once was song,
Waves of rememberance in the darkening air
John Hollander [b. 1929]

... but my pleasant 7 train ride with Yun Hee and Shuey turned ugly when this guy whipped out his peepee in front of us. The gals spoke in Korean and all I understood was "ah juh shee" and stupid me, I said, "Yeah... the GUY sitting across from us" . Yun Hee asked, "You saw it right?" while Shu mumbled something [I couldn't quite catch] in Korean. They made a face. Thinking that they were just talking about the guy and a peculiarity of his, I turned to look. AHHH big mistake. EWW!!! The dude had a hole near his crotch. Of course, he HAD to NOT wear underwear the very day he decided to wear his raggedy jeans, shifting back and forth in his seat. Some people are such pervs. hehe at least Yun Hee cussed him out >). Ugh it was so gross and disgusting! I'm thinking how can people willingly buy magazines and watch videos to look at nudey things ? Such body parts are so... private; hence, the term private parts! OK let's drop this.

5/21/01 34th BUMS

5/20/01GO BUCKS!
SmiShy: uh huh and for thinking i can fix things up so quickly i should send my a-- on air fat chance
SmiShy: with frequent flyer miles
I got half of it from Will & Grace; the other half was pure inspiration. :(

Yum Cha with moms and bro was quite greasy. cha siew ? ha gow ? Bleh she taught me some stuff and I still I forgot what my favorite is called--the long flat noodles with shrimp inside. YUM.

5/19/01 HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY [5/18], ALICE!You were too preoccupied, even in the 2nd floor bathroom [where you're "safe"] to realize I was talking to you yesterday. hahaha

Prediction: OORay will win Killer. That CIA psycho. JK =X
Vegetables [at Zen Palate yesterday] have never made me more full! mM HmMm.

It's mid-May and quite a lot has happened over the past few months, let alone recent weeks. Lately, it seems that the young adult I am becoming mirrors the person I want to be in the near future: sensible and all the while comfortable, assertive yet demure. In other words, less of a pushover I suppose. And maybe it has to do with fear of living my life lurking in the shadow of others. hahaha If I really, really want to eat something nowadays, I say so. No more "... I dunno, whatever you want..." Otherwise anything is ok.Tiny steps, tiny steps. :DYou know how some people are simply blunt and tactless and say/do what they wish without taking into consideration of how others might feel? I'm not up to that point yet and I hope that I'll never reach it. Gimme a smack and a kick/punch in the privates if I do. >)

Where do I get the balls to make such decisions ? The comfort and support I find in the people around me have made all the difference. Thursday, April 10th, 2001 remains one of the craziest, yet memorable days ever because I've never done such a thing. Whoa nelly nuts HAHAHA I still think about it and laugh. AHH buddies, just buddies. Whee =) I'm glad I followed through though! It's sort of like having possession of the ball and making that last clutch shot. Whether it goes in or beats the buzzer or picks up an AND1 or what not doesn't matter as much as how I actually did something courageous. Funky hehe. But I figure there are no regrets! Nah uhh! :)

Too bad I cleared my schedule today for someone important, only to be met with disappointment. Maybe I expect way too much time and time again. :T Next week, I'm not gonna miss the Arnold's fun-filled day or the Turning Point tournament, especially since Ace advanced to the next round! YAYYY!

At the doctor's office this afternoon, my mom went for an examination on her sprained foot, and I talked to a Stuy alumni who works as an intern at Dr. Park's office in Woodside. While Sona was a senior at Stuy, I felt intimidated by her, but she always greeted me with friendly smiles and waves! Now that I'm about to enter the world she is in... also known as college... I view things differently. We shared some funky memories; she told me about Stony Brook and I updated her on my second term status. There are two things she mentioned that's etched in my mind: "Try to enjoy and cherish the last few months you have at Stuy. Do something every day and don't waste your time there. I don't miss it as much as I missed it last fall term. I meet up with friends, but it's not the same you know? It's not too hard to keep in touch with people because in the end, if you guys are really friends, you'll find yourselves going back to one another. And the people who have never really mattered to you in the first place won't matter to you anyway." Something like that. Nodding, I sat back into my chair and thought about this. Her words reflected much of the things I hear from older babes; the only difference is she encourages me to relax and have fun. Maybe because she feels us Stuybies. x) There are only 1.5 months left of high school and sometimes I rush home to study or sleep! Gosh darn. Aww, I'm not gonna get to laugh about simple nothings my buddies do, see and talk to my favorite teachers every day, listen to homophobic freshmen during lunch claim to terminate gays and lesbos. erh ok! [I always find myself sitting with them whenever Dinah cuts Orna.]

Shady, shady... *ahem*

Friends - Monica and Chandler are married! YAY!!! tsk tsk Rachel babes... haha I can't wait for next season!
Will & Grace - Poor Jack. Go Nathan hehe Woody Harrelson is too daYAm funny. Remember him in White Men Can't Jump?
ER - I dunno. I haven't watched it yet! The miracles of vcr timers ...

Instead of writing my English journals for Ms. Chan [due tomorrow] and finishing my story for the McCourt scholarship [due Friday], I'm wasting away my time... messing around on the computer. Gooo me! :D If procrastination did have a family, I am so sure I'd be named its honorary cousin. Working under pressure just rocks my little world. haha ok emails me with nice quotes every day. Everyone should register and receive these quotes! Stephanie, the girl who is in charge of the server, for the most part sends out inspiring tidbits to uplift the day. No matter how doggy dog my day is, if I come online and read something that offers a bright or wise perspective on things, I am satisfied. AND of course, it doesn't hurt that people i-m me while I'm reading these mails. :) For instance,

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.
Author: Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes

Cool eh?

Day 1: squirted at a small, cute and incredibly nice babe; squirted by a blond with big boobs

A representative from Verizon called my house and requested information for a telephone credit card. He filled out the application by phone with me, and I know I know... I shouldn't make fun of the guy for wanting to do his job correctly, but I can't help it!
"And are you sure you're 18?"
"Uh huh!"
"What college will you be attending?"
"Boston College..."
"And is that located in New York?"
"uhm... in Boston."
"Boston, Massachusettes?"
"What city?"
Dear gosh, meanwhile, I'm thinking is this guy for real? HAHAHA that was one of the most amusing conversations I've had this week. Then again, it's only Tuesday so a lot can happen in the next couple of days... like Arnold's birthday! And Alice too!

Faith Hill's There You'll Be from the Pearl Harbor soundtrack is way hard to find! AHH :( [haha I can't wait to wait to watch the movie!]

Lately, I've been rummaging through old cds and mp3s, listening to ballads and all that mushy stuff. These songs make me feel hopeful and happy, but all the while... ehh. I love em! AHH Although I will drive my husband absolutely nuts, I'll sing to and of course slowdance with him forever and ever. HAHA I don't know how to do neither, but I'll learn. [Last time I slowdanced, it was with Brian at Yui's Sweet Sixteen party--disasterous! hahaha BD and I did an actual time-out because we were out of sync. "Let's start over ok? OK." And we resumed after counting off beats. "All right, go! go! now!" Sounds like we were getting ready to compete in a relay marathon or something. Fun fun fun!] Still, perhaps when/if that day comes... the day I find myself dancing with my best bud, my mate to some sweet song... I will smile that doofy smile from ear to ear :D and KNOW I am lucky to be blessed with such a dude. That is, if I get married. There are so many tracks I want to put on my imaginary wedding songs compilation cd... it's insane! That'll be one of the wedding souvenirs for our guests. hahaha I spend my time thinking about these things YAY.

5/13/01 Happy Mama's Day
My mommy and I went to Arunee Thai Restaurant and we ate soooo much! Stuffed crab was yummy! I'm glad I brought along enough money or else I would have felt so bad having her leave the tip. Hopefully she's happy with the collage I made for her. Looking at the pictures from way back in the days, she commented on how my face shape has changed throughout the years; it got worped and longer! x) And my brother... his face got longer too.

People constantly tell me "Ahh Lucky, you're too idealistic". Some think it's cool; others, pathetic. HAHA yep yep call me retarded. Although I know deep down inside these notions I have are pointless because there's no way they will parallel reality, I like this aspect of me. To be realistic is smarter, yet in some respects, a realistic person might compromise his/her hopes and dreams and settle for someone/something less than who/what he/she deserves. For this reason, I hold onto my convictions. Sometimes I have the craziest ideas of what this and that should be. Perhaps one day I'll prove everyone wrong and discover that what is ideal to me can also be reality. All I need is patience. =)

5/12/01 2:00 AM
Tupac tells me to "Shake it, shake it baby". Maybe he's referring to my afterschool activities or just my life in general. Brian McKnight encourages me to "never give up, never give in, never let a ray of doubt slip in". I think he's talking about the uncertainties in my future. Jon B repeats "don't talk" about 20 gazillion times. And yeah, I get the idea guy! I've been lost for words lately hehe. There are more songs on my mp3 player, but I don't think I want to dissect lyrics any further than this.

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY to Mike and the twins and Jenny too. Sorry I didn't update this weblog on the actual dates... 4/24 and 4/28 respectively. Too many April babies!

Muchas grassy-ahs to everyone who made 4.27.01 a fun night. Thanks y'all! :)

THANK YOU JISUN for your creation! =O I'm so speechless

It's just my luck the scholarship that is not at all need-based, that I qualify for is one of the hardest essays to write. The SPA is generous enough to offer scholarships of 1K and 500 beans to students who write about a memorable experience we've had during our time at Stuyvesant. Strange eh? I'm almost disappointed in myself that I have difficulty dissecting the four years I've spent at Stuy. Although there is temptation to pick something out of my butt and call it memorable, I want this essay to be authentic. Ahh think! Actually, mMm authenticity... that's an idea-in-the-making.
Geez, I bring in my camera every day to take snapshots of familiar faces in classes, in hallways yet shy away from the many opportunities I receive to complete my mission. Maybe in the back of my mind I try to convince myself that I will make my two months left of HS nothing less than worthwhile. Chicken chicken :T! Gotta take charge, like Houston in game 3 today!!! hahAhaha so sexy.

BC and Knicks rock my little world! 95-87 baby :)

4/22/01 wide-awake
SING! finally came and went within one night. WOW... the hype and excitement lived up to all of my expectations! Everyone was so talented, but hey... Seniors definitely deserved it. Hopefully my pictures will come out because last year I forgot to take pics of our groovey sets. "Restrain from using automatic flash" my buttocks. :D

One less high school milestone to look forward to as the year unwinds.

Arnold scanned some cancun pictures at his workplace. haAha the bum gets paid to sit around! THANK YOU!
posing at the Melia Turquesa
dinner at Boombay
post bungee jumping at Fat Tuesday's
huge crowd in front of Dady Rock's
macaws at La Isla
a typical breakfast at Pat O' Brien's

4/21/01 a little past midnight; HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY SARAH!
Sarah's a year older too :D In the past... say six years... we've called each other or have seen each other to give one another the biggest and bestest of wishes since our birthdays are merely a day apart. She's probably having a blast in NH at her Dartmouth welcoming thingy, spending her special day in grand style I suppose.

Sometimes the smallest gestures are so thoughtful that I am overwhelmed and touched. I can't even begin to describe how awesome it feels. Forget presents and flowers [although they're greatly appreciated by everyone]. Presents wear out and flowers die, but spoken and written words last forever. Simple acknowledgement and cards are the best gifts one person can ever give to another, besides friendship and love. Everyone deserves a birthday card! They allow us to express what we want to say without any restraints.
And so I THANK YOU for kind words and such... !

4/20/01 12:23 AM
HAPPY 18th... =)

Once again, I fell asleep at the movies =X haAHa but from what I watched, Bridget Jones's Diary was very funny. Lots of "f-wits" used!

Despite everything we have done this spring break-partying, drinking, playing at the beach, naughty nasties [ickick]- I'll bet nothing compares to the bonds we've strengthened with babes. The little pleasures of talking and laughing with one another are what I cherish most. I have crazy pictures to prove it too! In fact, I found a friend in someone whom I never thought I'd get a chance to get to know... a new buddy sorta hahaha YAY! Thanks guys for making this a trip to remember =)

Sunday April 8
a small Mexican guy grabs my bags, deliberately expecting a tip
relentless convincing to buy party passes on Student Express's behalf
muggy air
Melia Turquesa Room 123 - one queen sized bed + a cot for 4 babes:Dinah, Alice, Megan and yours truly
Rooms 148, 149, 150 and 103
Pat O' Brien's breakfast buffet
Welcome Party at Dady Rock's
Hard Rock Cafe with Katie and Esther
Henna Tattoos
long a-word walk to Champions for dinner [5 hotels my butt!]
plush Marriot carpets
Bucks vs. Sonics
Slap Jack and Megan's "game" Egyptian Rat Screw"
missing The Myth Glow Stick party

Monday April 9 Megan's Birthday
wrong breakfast ticket at Patty's
beach time and playing around SPF-48 baby
Senor Frogs with stage dancing [the waiters just wanted to touch Alice and Yang hahaha] and water slides
Entenmann's chocolate birthday cake from NY with candles
card signing
La Boom [hot hot hot]
falling with Jordan into Andy's pretty pink puke haha
Larry's freaky deaky
Kat and Louise give each other hugs
Dinah and her large middle-aged Mexican men
bump and grind YUCK
Kai and Graceface
taking people home
going home with Ray, Esther and Grace
late night chat in 123 with Arnold and Ray

Tuesday April 10
sunbathing and beach fun
Carlos and Charlie's
a drunken Dardaq pays a visit
Sixers vs. Heat
huge snort
Ray scales the balcony wall with Dinah's bedsheets; OORay is born hahaha
nice pictures with a full moon
Mike's eyes pop out of his sockets when he sees anime
hand games
"You're pissing the HELL out of me."
"bowling" becomes La Isla with Megan, Arnold and Andy
missing Fat Tuesday's and The Beach Club events

Wednesday April 11
Cortizone craze
company from Megan and Arnold
Waverunning- Dinah is my passenger for 2 hours along the Cancun strip
Boombay has good music!
Katie and I discover our "anthem" - DMX's It's All Good
leaving Hands at the hotel by mistake but at least she saved money
CoCo Bongo with an overweight, overaged Michael Jackson and The Mask
cheese and mushroom smell
Cindy and Wilny mouth lyrics to Thriller without missing a beat
Haagen Daz ice cream
wondering how the guys are doing at the Pimp 'n Hoe Party across the street
Late night chat with Ray, Amy and Arnold

Thursday April 12
Runaway Bride "I guarantee..." ahhhh
[camera beb for the]bungee jumps at Fat Tuesdays
Rainforest Cafe
House of Terror at La Isla
walking around at night; Arnold trips a baby
Name That Song Trivia
guys break out into Bon Jovi
Amy and Arnold mess around with babies
missing the Foam Party at Liquid

Friday April 13
10 Things I Hate About You
took dump in 150
La Isla-pics with three live macaws
Cruel Intentions
Planet Hollywood (gay waiter with tight red pants)
missing the sucky farewell party at Pat's
*ahem* official late night clubbers: Fat Tuesdays, La Boom past midnight
high energy Trance Room after 3 hours of hiphop

Saturday April 14
leaving La Boom at 5:30 AM
talking to Ray and Dinah
watching the sunrise
Los Rancheros
learning bargaining techniques and messing up 350 pesos for Double O
running around looking for souvenirs for relatives
barely making the bus to the airport
Allegro plane delay until midnight

Sunday April 15
arrival at JFK early in the morning
everyone leaves
Shiru's mom comes looking for her son from terminal 5 hahaha
mommy picks me and Leah up around 7ish
Dunkin Donuts Munchkins

4/15/01 10:48 PM HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY KAT [ and MEGAN and JISUN: belated and OORAY: super-belated haha]!!!
Home sweet home sounds good to me... it feels good too.

4/7/01 3:11AM
Across the border at 9:55 PM... can't wait.:) Everyone will have fun this spring break. I just know it!

4/2/01 NCAA Champions

3/30/01 Rejection
My first rejection letter wasn't as life-shattering as I thought it would be. In fact, the envelope looked so flimsy and thin that I figured it out without having to open it. I don't blame anyone but myself, and I know that despite the disappointment, my future is still shining; I'm stronger because I have to realize my full potential, to prove to myself that I'm just as worthy as the average gee.

My buddy Susie said that the college process is like dating. At first, I didn't understand her perspective. While we were painting leaves in art crew last week, she told me about her college happenings. Susie's theory is strange, yet true. For "proper" English purposes, I'll use the personal "I". Picking a college is like having a big crush. I get wrapped up and infatuated with a school. When I send in my app, and the college receives it, I guess it's almost as if applying is going on a blind date or a first date. The admissions committee is presented with numbers and an essay and based on the facts given, make a decision in a nutshell. They don't know me for who I really am yet. And the four months of waiting... that can be considered the waiting period, to see if the babe calls back. Acceptance into a school is a YES, I like you so let's meet again. Rejection is a NO, something about you just turned me off, but good luck because there are other options. If someone other than me is persued, I begin to wonder... HmmM what does that person have that I don't and yes, the comparisons begin to consume me. And once rejection hits home, it might be awesome to just fastforward to the two weeks after the decision has been made. Essentially, the healing period will have past and I'm able to move on with my life. No pity pats and sappy sighs and such. Waitlist/Deferal is probably the worst [at least in my opinion]. To be put on a waitlist is to be led on; the committee plays around with my emotions and can't seem to come upon a solid decision. Where does that leave the person who has been waiting? In total anxiety. I just want to know if you like me or not, and if you don't OK. If you do, OK. Don't play games you nasty cookoos! haha Orna. Anyways... that's her theory. I dig it.

"The college process is a truly humbling experience".- a friend [?]Indeed, it is...

3/26/01The First Call
I dialed the 860 area code.
Me: HI MAN!!! Are you busy?
Ace: Nah, I just woke up. What's going on?
Me: Just woke up now? It's 5. Just got back from Bing?*uncontrollable laughter and giggles*
Ace: Yeah... this morning with the car. What? What?
Me: I got _____ _____ today!!! AH!!! *more laughter and screams*
Ace: And... I knew that already. What do you want?
Me: What?! It's nothing much to a lot of people, but I really want to go there so you know! You're the first one I called... no one's home!
Ace: You're such a dork. Luck, call me back when you get into a real college.
Me: Shut up! *laughter* C'mon I'm so happy!
Ace: *laughs with me* Nah I'm playing... congratulations! Now go call Jean.
... words from one of the only people who has supported me unconditionally. =) I love my bro.

Adolpho [my driving instructor] likes me now [or so it seems I've grown on him these past few months]. Today, I made decent turns and almost mastered the broken u-turn without giving him a heart attack. YAYAYAY! That calls for a celebration!

I think today has been the sixth time I've shaven my legs. Call me gross >) but I hardly shave because I never wear shorts and all. The hairs grow slowly so they hardly show! haAHaha AND I always manage to cut myself in the process so I figure, why bother unless it's necessary ? All right that was really uncalled for, but yep. I scraped some skin off today while doing so and the scab wouldn't stop bleeding. :T
I've Shaven for:
1. fun during the summer of 8th grade because I was a curious rugrat. I soooo regret it because I didn't have any hairs then to begin with and all of a sudden, they began to grow! My mommy was right; once you start shaving, you can't go back to being a shaving virgin... ahhh experimenting on my own at 13, freak! :T Retard.
2. JHS prom
3. track season freshman year
4. track season sophomore year
5. Junior Prom
6. Study Abroad trip in Spain
7. today because I felt like swimming with smoother legs. haAHaha ewwww eh?
Now that the summer's approaching again, I guess I'm going to have to make this a habit, but I really don't want to grow the stubby hairs caused by shaving too much you know? Well, we'll see...

Hopefully, Julia Roberts and Russell Crowe will win the Oscars! Gotta watch it tonight!

Someone Like You is so cute! I'm in love with the movie and yes, Sarah and Katie babes, Hugh Jackman aka Wolverine is hot. AHH! His character is very charming indeed. We caught the sneak preview at Midway and ate at UNO's in Forest Hills. I took out my camera and embarrassed them hahaha =) Flashbacks and memories of our jhs years flooded my mind; they're my gals... always! Thank you.

Eating outside of Morgan's and shopping with Shu and Peter for their gift to Jatin... hahaha freshman years =)

[Thanks for the letter man, I'll write back hahaha... the volley game yesterday was pretty cool. Thanks for inviting me, 816 and Horace!!]
All for You - Sister Hazel reminds me of the early-mid 90s! such a good song... really catchy :)

finally i've figured out
but it took a long long time
and now there's a turn-about maybe because i'm trying
there's been times i'm so confused
and all my roads they lead to you
i just can't turn you walk away
it's hard to say what it is i see in you
i wonder if i'll always be with you
words can't say and i can't do enough to prove
it's all for you

Around 11ish [Kudos to Paul] I ran down to watch the Duke-UCLA game and of course, my favorites pulled off a win =)!!! go Shane go! Williams is staying in school like a good boy so YAY! haAHa it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be because the score was at least within a 10-point margin more or less, so I flipped to UPN to catch some Blind Date. That show is crazy... but amusing!

This whole month, I've been doing a lot of reflecting and I think I'm ready for everything that's in store for me, be it college rejections or other disappointments. Victim of a horrible habit, I avoid confrontation at all costs and push the situation to the back of my mind. I leave it there to rot and eat away my logic, and when I mention confrontation, I mean dealing with things and seeking a solution within my head, with myself. Actual confrontation that includes real interaction with another person is way out of the question!!! Whoa don't go there haAHa I've gotta grow some balls to do that or something... in time. I guess nowadays, rather than keeping my thoughts bottled up inside, I find relief in telling someone. In turn, I realize that a friendship becomes stronger if both parties communicate. If one person does all the talking while the other listens, eventually the loudmouth will need a drink of water and the hermit will need a time-out to pick the wax out of his/her ears.

Still, random thoughts just race into and out of my head when I least expect them and yep, I allow them stay a (long) while; it's only natural. hMm... 15 days to Spring Break.

While trying on my Nike Presto sneakers at Transit, my brother and his friend made me feel so guilty that I didn't have the heart to spend 85 beans on them. They think the orange plastic looks weird; I find those babies to be so funky and cool... AHHHHH! I am determined to go back and get them this week =X. Or maybe not... ? HELP me decide!

3/19/01 As Always
DaYAm Keanu is ... !!! He deserves to be on the aol message board more often, especially since we all know that The Matrix is awesome and its sequels are gonna kick butt :D I'm so excited... he just rocks my little world.

Mr. Greenfield was almost giddy when I apologized for falling asleep in his class friday afternoon. Feeling guilty, I told him about going to the NIT to watch my boys and coming home late that night. haAHa he just kept on rambling about the tourney and disregarded my apology. I'm gonna miss Mr. G and Calculus class :T Andrew ["Ugh! Mr. Persits!" hahaha]did such a funny impression of our math teacher for Dr. Niglio today. Gosh what characters!

SING Art is fun. uh huh Shu and Ellen contributed to that fact today. You know, I think I dripped hot-glue on one of their heads. And since I figure that Shuey would read this eventually, I will take the time out to say sorry if it happened. haAhaha I'm horrible... if either of you found glue in your hair, SORRY BABES!!! WHOOPS! And I still love you and your pink shirt. Hey, today was one of the first days we BOTH fell asleep. No 7 train chat! :T

Aww man, Bennett came to pick Ace up around 11 so I'll probably sleep without saying goodnight to him. What I needed the past couple of days... well, more like the past few weeks was to see and talk to him, to let him know that things aren't OK, to complain about the petty happenings of my self-absorbed life. And when he says "You're so annoying" , I smile wholeheartedly and laugh because a big brother is exactly what I need right about now. Luckily, he arrived just in the nick of time. YAY!!! Although I fell asleep at the restaurant during dinner because I was so incredibly worn out, we talked and talked while getting ready to go out and looked at pictures and "chilled" . [haAHaha eww ebonics is uhh...] I even told him about stupid stuff-- my prom predicament-- because I was frustrated and disappointed. Knowing that his pearls of wisdom bordered on what I expected to hear, I grinned from ear to ear. "Just go for it... So? other circumstances don't concern you. You gotta take that chance and what's the worst thing that could happen?Times like this, you should just do what you really want, Luck." Funny thing is, I honestly think that he believes in what he says. However, deep down inside, I realize that the words of encouragement and simple matter-of-fact attitude he imparted to me are merely part of the package. Ace doesn't know what I suspect; each and every day, I find that my suspicions are confirmed. Things aren't as clear-cut as they appear to be. It's OK though, you know? I'll take his words and keep them close to my heart because they make me happy :) and once my buddy comes back, spend the money I saved up for an extra ticket by treating him and BD to a nice dinner instead. =) Of course, if all else fails, my favorite baller will see it through... as always.

3/15/01 Happy 18th Birthday BD!!!
Just around 12: 40 AM I gave Brian a call. Hearing his groggy voice on the phone, I immediately realized that the poor guy was sleeping and I woke him up! It's OK because he seemed =) and talked on and on about the NIT and stuff. I just wanted to wish my pal a happy birthday before anyone else, but I doubt I was the first since he's got his ten babies and all hehe.

Dirty and tired, with homework I have yet to finish, I'm reluctant to sign off. Maybe I should turn off my mp3 player to avoid replaying songs like R. Kelly's The Storm is Over Now from TP2; he's got that choir thing going on, similar to I Believe I Can Fly from the Space Jam soundtrack.

I was in a tunnel and couldn't see the light
And whenever I'd look up I couldn't see the sky
Sometimes when I'm standing, it seems like I've been walking miles
And my heart could be crying, in the middle of a smile
HAHAHA If only reality paralleled the rest of his lyrics and not just these four lines eh?

3/13/01 My Wedding
I run away and hide inside my shell, refusing to crawl out until I'm certain of what I feel or know, what the situation is or how the outcome will be. And believe me, that rarely happens. Coward. Wuss. A little peepee. Call me whatever you want to, but I'm scared of getting hurt... especially by people. My logic flip-flops and doubt surrounds even the most indisputable of matters. It feels as if someone up there is constantly testing my strength, my character, my relationships just because. Although once in a while, say two days out of the 365, I do surprise myself. =)

With good intentions, I just blurted it out. Not knowing what came over me last night, I told him my mental image... "I am at my wedding and walking down the aisle, but for some reason, you're not there. And I get a call from you [hahaha I happen to have a cell phone tucked underneath my dress]; you need me to be elsewhere at that very same moment. Without hesitation, I'll apologize to my husband-to-be [I already pity him =X], the guests, the family and walk out of the whole thing to see if you are OK. Of course, I'll come back to the ceremony, but not before I make sure that you are all right. I hope you know that this mental image is etched in stone and it won't change." Afterwards, I felt pretty retarded for having been so honest. Almost naked! I guess if we should ever meet someone who is worth the struggle and all, whom we deem special, YES, let's consider ourselves lucky bassards. :)Perhaps irrational impulse clouded what would have usually been clear judgment and I would have kept this all to myself, but I am satisfied in revealing to him one simple, yet significant fact: he is my buddy, regardless...
Thank you Sarah. *kissmackaroo*

3/9/01 Speak My Mind
Paper frogs, paper frogs! I'm sucking for Team 7 like crazy the past few days. AHH it's ok Huskies. You're still #1 baby.

To be able to say what I feel inside is probably one of the best feelings in the world. It's not the greatest though. There's a narrow boundary between bluntness and honesty and believe you me... it's dangerous territory. Today, I felt like getting up from the cozy table turned cold and critical and ride the train home alone. One, actually two, comments almost made me gather my huge freshman-packed sling and history text book and Poland Spring bottle and leave. Keeping quiet, I went about doodling in my notebook and the sense of calm was quite nice. We had some laughs!!! Perhaps I'm the type of person who absorbs words very easily. I admit I am; that's why I tend to pick at and analyze and dissect the most trivial of things. And these words are repeatedly drilled inside my head for a long while. Seriously, there are so many different ways to speak our minds, rather than the ol' slap in the face, mundane "you suck, that's not funny, what the he--, get a life, are you retarded" comments-- facial expressions, funky gestures, small laughs! A lot of people tell me that I should get an opinion once in a while: be assertive. Fear not haAHa I have a couple of indignant and opinionated stuff [a lot actually] ... the only difference is I keep such thoughts to myself and dispense them when necessary. I consider who I'm sharing with, what I'm revealing. Truthfully, with the right touch of sarcasm here and there along the way, listening can be really fun :) Thoughtless, mean gibberish just diminish the value of good conversation.

Arnold's right. :T Subtlely, yet guiltiIy, I trashtalk in this weblog. =X

Snowed-in with barely an inch of snow; I love weatherbabes!

Tomato talked about his paper turtles Wilbur, Wilma and Woodrow all day. Wilbur's getting old. Wilma's paralyzed but she can jump! Woodrow's sexy, but useless.

This song is so nice! Ah the ladies would listen as if nothing else mattered. And the fellas would score some serious points haAHaha ok... =)
Endlessly - B4-4 [lyrics courtesy of John]
Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you,

And in my sweetest dream,
You've learn to put your faith in me, endlessly,
Sometimes the thing you need,
Is the one thing you can't see
If you put your faith in me,
How beautiful you and I would be.

And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly

Duke and NC today!!! AHHHH!!! What's wrong with the Knicks on the road ?! =( c'mon boys! Lucky believes in you.

3/4/01 almost 2 am
Have a safe flight up, DUDE. There's gonna be a snowstorm though! Ah, thanks for you know...Two more months!

I'm almost done with my first english paper for second term. wheeee! Does anyone know how to use "whom" and "who" correctly? It's way too confusing for my peabrain to handle. =)

65-63 Seton Hall University aka SHU [ahAHaha shu! ok.] Ace reserved tickets for us at the Continental Airlines Arena in Jersey so we went :). Close game. My Huskies have to win at least two games in the Big East to assure a spot in the NCAA Tournament during March Madness. I kind of hope it'll be over soon so I can have my brother back. :T The guys who sat behind us were cheering for the Pirates and acting like wisecracks. They kept insulting their school! Quite some entertainers out there.
"Yeah, why don't you dribble the ball into the crowd? Better yet, why don't you dribble it up your a--, Griffen? [Eddie Griffen is so good! What are they talking 'bout?] "
"Seton Hall doesn't know how to win, I swear. 'Hey coach, the game is tied. What do we do now?' "

Sarah and Jenny want to throw an 18th Birthday bash/jam together in April. Thanks guys! I guess it's a really great idea, but I'm scared: the preparation, the music, the food, the people, the money! haAHaha this isn't an attempt to relive our 16th year. Although a small gathering is sweet, a party will be really awesome if everything works out and becomes a huge success. What if no one comes and we'll be known as the worst party-throwers in history? AH! haAha we'll see. YAY dancing! I wanna see Ji and Ellen shake it baby [w/o the influence hahaha].

I talked to Michael [tomatooooo] online for the very first time today. haAHa go Wolverine + snl go! I always say hi to him, but we don't get to chitchat much in the hallways, so that was cool! I'm listening to "Crazy Over You" ... old school baby. =) Shu and I are gonna go get the album on March 20. We're diggin' r&b lots after our rock-ish phase. Lifehouse is still !!! though. Ohhhh John sent me B4-4's "Endlessly" ; it's mad nice. Check it out. Is this group called Before Four, but they were too lazy or something? Seriously, I'm not trying to be funny.They have the shortest name besides U2. haAha ok.



Collecting money got me all crazy today afterschool because I'm not too good at organizing things haAHa go figs. I was already late late late for art crew, which technically is a nonexistent phrase since the directors are superflexible [my 3rd year with Igor, Andy and Em!]. Nonetheless, I felt really guilty because it was 3:30, so I rushed to my locker and grabbed my timbuk sling. As I jumped up from gathering stuff together, I banged my head with the corner of the locker door. AHHHH!!! Repeating the s-word several times did not relieve the throbbing pain at all! It kinda dug into my scalp and I had not realized there was blood involved until after I showered haAhaha... my mommy rubbed alcohol all over the scab. YUCK! Now, I'm thinking how gross it must have been for my fellow 2/3 and 7 trainmates to have to stare at the deformed thing smack in the center of my head! haAha there's no way I can comb that area without scraping the blood off, so for the next coupla days, the strands of hair left in that spot will be all pubey and wirey. Yes, mighty delicious. X)

My mp3 player is playing Dreams by Boyz II Men. These guys churned some awesome songs back in the day like Water Runs Dry and On Bended Knee, and this particular track is no exception. I have their two previous CDs, but I'm still pondering over whether or not their latest one is worth my 13 beans ? Dreams is so nice! There's a couple, but the guy and girl is separated--miles apart-- because of circumstances. They really, really dig each other... the L word [!!!] ... yet they can't be together at that moment; bothagree to meet one another in their dreams =) each night.
... A face to go with your sweet voice will bring me joy totally

I know I can't be there, baby it's all right
I'll be waiting for you tonight
I pray that you'll be there when I close my eyes
Meet me in my dreams tonight

One thing that never changes no matter what
I can't wait to see you, I can't wait to feel you...

Aww I love that song because it kinda gives hope and all to everyone who may face a similar situation. :D For other homey geeee dawgs like me, it's just a sweet song.

Before SATs, I subscribed to Princeton Review's Word Du Jour and Merriam Webster's Word of the Day; they still email me words daily. The most interesting word thus far is gesundheit. hehe OK.

Oops! Paval is really Podual [thanks for writing it on my math hw Shmiro]! I completely butchered his name :T and to make matters worse, he creamed me in Battleship haAHa.

2 off the boards earned me high fives. YAY!!! =)

2/26/01 Surprises
The best kind of surprises sneak up on me in the most unexpected ways. That's a definition of a surprise, not an explanation I suppose, but really... today was supposed to be an ease-out-of-vacation Monday. Little did I know how the simplest things could make me wild...

ACE PLAYED TODAY! 10 WHOLE SECONDS AND STOLE [stole, tipped... same thing =X] THE BALL TWICE FROM ND! AND OF COURSE, BEING THE A-- THAT I AM, I MISSED EVERYTHING! Ask me about any televised Huskies game and I'll hand over a tape! Ask me about this particular game against Notre Dame, and all I have to show for is an excited grin followed by sighs of disappointment in myself and utmost regret. :T Can't believe ESPN's Big Monday completely slipped my mind. I am so proud of and happy for him!!! And I know he must feel incredible... we talked for a while tonight and all. Besides repeating such profane phrases as "You're such a doodoo, I swear" in response to my stupidity, he was probably sad that I'm such a nimwit! There are moments I wish I could have experienced with him, and this is clearly one of them! Ace tipped the ball out of ND's pointguard and passed it.; Kwasi dunked it, but the buzzer ran. haAHaha gosh, I've been waiting for this moment as much as he has and ... =( Ah, it's OK! There will always be tomorrow...

Matt Kelly picked me for his team! YAY! Although I only know big, tall Will from Spanish class last year, I'm sure that the rest of the guys are nice too :) It was awesome. At first, I was reluctant to walk over and kept asking, "Are you sure? I'm gonna make you guys totally lose", but Mr. Bologna convinced me that things will be fine. I'm so scared and psyched and giddy! haAHha

Paval [?] taught me how to play Battleship during Mr. Orna's class. :D
1. Draw 2 10x10 grids side by side.
2. Number each box 1-10 horizontally and A-J vertically.
3. Situate 1 4-grid tank, 2 3-grid tanks, 3 2-grid tanks, 4 1-grid tanks in the first grid with X's. Remember: Tanks cannot touch each other, and must be placed horizontally or vertically, but never diagonally.
4. Call out grid pairs such A1 or B4 to hit or kill the opponent.
5. Demolish the other dude :)

Rick sat next to me while we cut up 5 1/2 x 10 bricks out of cardboard and I didn't even realize it!!! He was almost as shocked as I was haAHaha and kinda startled me when he called me by my Thai name. =X I went to Thai School with his brothers Mark and Chris when I was about 4 years old. Wow, after all these years... pretty cool.

2/25/01 The Grind
I'm so proud of my Huskies. Mouring was so nice and Caron too, but since everyone likes to kiss his (_x_), I'll avoid that. Besides, his head is way too huge for his freshmaness. Jean called me during half-time and asked me to purchase the Big East tickets; I knew without having to ask that she got the tickets to yesterday's game and I didn't! Ah, no good brother!!! jkjkjkjk haAHa man she always gets the good pairs while my parents and I get to watch the peewee teams in comparison. Watching the Duke game just before abc's broadcast, I was hyped up like a crazy monkey, jumping up and down in front of the television... alone! Alone is OK! Did you see Duhane, Duhon, whatever that guy's name is... his buzzer shot?! haAHaha I got it on tape baby-- instant replay. It was so awesome because he looked like he was about to trip, but tips the ball in midway from the basket and foul line. HOLY NUTS! Guess Coach K is gonna give him some more playing time eh?

My mom saw The Grind: Spring Break in Cancun and Jamaica of '98 and in turn, forbid me to go when I'm a senior. She was completely horrified, witnessing babes rub up against one another all sweaty and oily. Luckily, some visual images do fade with time :D haAHaha shh... =X

YVAN EHT NIOJ! I hardly watch The Simpsons, but Bart's band was really funny today. Now, back to Malcom in the Middle! I want Magic Johnson back :T

2/23/01 Hugs and Kisses documented by Paul and Lucky
A kiss is something momentous, be it a peck on the cheek or a huge smoocharoo! hehe it comes equipped with that tingly sensation and a yummy sweetness. And the first kiss will probably be the best, the one we'll always remember. That's why it would be good if shared with a special person :) Paul believes that a "daYam I think you're fine" kiss is good, as long as it's not one of those disgusting, groping, gimme-oxygen kisses! Lucky thinks that a short, gentle kiss is nifty... a "just go for it" kind of thing... when we're compelled to do it even if the moment is uncertain, say in the middle of a sentence and all!

SmiShy: u want me to tell people u like hugs?
BishonenRK: i'm a hug whore
Kai kai is a riot isn't he?
Hugs are pretty neat. Paul likes to give random hugs because hey, who doesn't like hugs? When the weather is cold outside, hugs keep us warm. He's got a good point! Lucky feels awkward giving out hugs here and there... even to her babes! :T We're different like that eh.
Types of Hugs
1. It's cold, lemme give you a hug hug.
2. Just know that I'm here for you hug.
3. Long time, no see hug.
4. I love you hug.
5. Wassup bro hug [with the hand gesture before actually hugging].
6. Hyper hugs [mostly in greeting one another and almost lifts each other up]
7. I'll miss you so much hug.
8. Aww, thank you, you shouldn't have hug.
9. Hang-over hug [given to everyone in sight, once you're intoxicated].
10. Just-because hug.

We're pretty sure that there are gazillion types of hugs out there. Naming them all would be a difficult task and although both of us have different opinions on the matter, we're certain that all hugs and kisses are special, regardless of when, where, or to whom we give them to... because it makes us feel YAY inside. =)

2/22/01 Prom
1. Fret and forget.
2. Relax and reminisce.
It can go both ways.
We can fret about prom and after those 4 or 5 hours, [depending on how much the 100+ beans the ticket covers] we'll wake up and forget about everything. The latter option seems to be more appealing, however. We can also relax and mellow out and enjoy the prom, making the night worth reminiscing. All the hype that surrounds prom makes me nervous. I have no clue as to what will happen on June 9, 2001: a night to remember or just another evening. Although I envisioned prom to be an indescribable, magical event spent with friends and a special date, my perspective kind of changed recently. It's funny... the whole picture dissolved into a jaded image filled with fear and frustration. I can probably go on and on about how things will not work out, but there's no point in complaining, especially since it's still February. After college rejections arrive hehe and of course, spring break, April will pass by in a breeze. Everyone seems to have a "back-up" and some have more than one! I guess Lucky's prom chronicles go on... =) at least until I come to terms that not going won't be that bad.

Sister Hazel songs are so catchy. The strings segment in 98 Degrees' The Hardest Thing is really pretty! I heard it in the car on 106.7 Lite fm and aww... despite its sweet connotation, the story behind the lyrics is disturbing. I used to love that song until I realized what it was about. haAha cheating on your lover with another person and telling that person that you have to be strong and part ways to go back to the person you cheated on is a no-no... ahh but they still rock.

Eminem should have won album of the year. Who's in Steely Dan and what is "Two Against Nature"? haAHa ok.

Gosh darn, I never have my glasses on when those SIDA/HIV Decision ads appear on the train. Following each decision Esteban made with his girlfriend used to be the highlight of my train rides. He's up to Decision XX!! Of course, the English translation is much easier to understand =). Speaking of English translations, Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon turned out to be a complete mess because I didn't understand a word of what the actors said; the font [although it was a nice font... arial bold maybe?]was too blurry. My dad picked seats way in the back and I could not see without them glasses! Naturally, I fell asleep... =X

Poland Spring Water bottlecaps are half-sized! It feels awkward twisting them open and closing the skinny, shrimpy things because I'm so used to them being twice as tall. I wonder how much money the company saves by downsizing their caps? Not much, I suppose.

2/20/01 Aunt Jemima
Reluctant to go to school during vacation, yet all the while eager to whitewash our sets for senior sing, I brought along the only form of entertainment to keep myself busy on the 7 train: my md player. Music is wonderful :) From the 7 tain, as I ran up the flight of stairs to reach the 2/3 downtown platform, Aunt Jemima struggled with her luggage. She was an elderly woman with a sweet face. She wasn't really struggling... more like waiting for someone to help her. This was one of those seize-the-moments events. I hesitated and rushed by her. Looking back at the bottom of the stairs and seeing her still helplessly standing there, melted any kind of fear I had.

Slowly, I approached her with a small smile and asked her, "' 'Scuse me, do you need help?" I held my breath, secretly hoping that she'd confirm my suspicions [or else I'd look like a nosy idiot. Last time I tried helping a lady with her bag, she threw a fit at me. This was the first week of 2nd term I think, and she dropped a coin... a nickel. I picked it up and tried to get her attention, but she kept on walking down the 61st street Woodside station. I ran in front of her and offered to help only to be met with an angry stare and uncontrollable shrieks. "Get away! No touch! I don't want your money... have job! I have money! Go away! NO NO! Help help! Somebody help me! She try to..." Whoa baby hahaha She caused a huge commotion among the transit users and boy, did I turn red. Perhaps she thought that I viewed her as a charity case ? I just wanted to give back her money and help her with the white trash bag she carried; it was twice her size! Gosh, never realized a nickel would lead to screams and shouts.]

Anyhow, Aunt Jemima [hey, she looked an older version of the pancakes and syrup lady] nodded and spoke in a soft voice with a hint of that nice Southern accent. "Yes, babay. Thank you honay." The luggage was carry-on size. C'mon... how much could it possibly weigh? haAHaha my first instinct was that she was running away or something because it was so heavy!!! I lifted it up and down it came. Holy nuts! She nodded again, only this time it was marked by a twinge of pity and wholehearted encouragement. Returning her "Oh thank you honay, thank you!"s with meek smiles, I was the one struggling up the stairs like a fool. haAHhaha those two flights seemed endless, but once I reached the top, I let out a huge grin... a dorky doofy grin. She was so grateful that words couldn't really describe how I felt in return. What a cute lady!! :D Aunt Jemima was obviously more clever than her sidekick though, who managed to lug her bag successfully all by herself. Her buddy's hipbone might be... I'll have to cross my fingers hehehe =X

My parents always wanted me to be like Jane. She's smart, sweet, polite... Too bad they're stuck with me >) She copied and pasted the conversation we had in the guestbook haAHaha She lost me after magic cards, but evidently... wow. No wonder she's studying at Northwestern! :D

CONGRATULATIONS NOEL!!! Middletown baby... Wesleyan! You deserve this, pimp daddy. Thanks for the encouragement Pam! You will too... I'm sure of it. KNICKS KNICKS by 2 baby!!!

This is a salute to Horace. Although I have to shush you about "the Answer" almost every day, he was pretty nifty in the Phoenix-Sixers game. OK man that'll be the one and only time I'll admit to that. Now, back to my Allan 20. :D

Too many guys for my sexies Shu, Cindy and Yui! You paid 40 beans to be groped; I paid 40 beans to watch you babes get groped. :X JKJK Thank you chicas for last night.

The older I am, the easier I find it to detach myself from emotions, people, objects... just about anything. At times, it can be a good thing, but for the most part, it is a negative attribute. Like a double-edged sword so-to-speak, detachment makes me somewhat an introvert, but also protects me from getting hurt and prevents me from burdening others. I think the most accomplishing feat in my near adulthood will be to allow myself to crawl out of my shell. uh huh and you know, eventually I'll figure out who the truly special people in my life are... just because. Special doesn't necessarily mean "the one" hahaha... that's nice too, but generally speaking, it's an honorable title. Besides family and close friends, other people do make impressions along the way, be it huge or minute. For now, I think Rebecca from the mtv Road Rules - Real World Extreme Challenge hehe [I'm a tube junky] has the right idea. She believes that there are people who make the light inside of you flicker back and forth... and there are others who make you GLOW. They add the coal that creates this incredible intensity that makes you SHINE. Having the chance to meet people who inspire me to be more than I can fathom, who make the Luck(y) in me shine brighter than ever gives me courage and instills hope. And of course, that in turn, gives me reason to smile. That's why my mommy is the best little lady in the whole wide world, why Ace and Jean are the greatest [Jean will be my sis-to-be if they get married hahaha... I already claimed rights to dJ at the wedding!], why I look forward to bonding with my babes and budaboos before we face the possibility of drifting apart in the near future...

... and ultimately, why I wrote my college essay on Mr. Grossman. =)

Yeah baby! UCONN defeats Virginia Tech!! First win on the road... haAHa uh huh better late than never. And last night... my boys beat the Nets by 10 points! 114-104. All the hype Fartbury created recently is gone. :D Good riddens.

How Dandy
Swimming at the Parish Center is a relaxing activity, mainly because my fellow swimmers are more than three times my age and keep to themselves. At times, we exchange smiles and practice "defensive swimming" -- a phrase I coined after ramming into the pool walls and lane dividers and hairy feet. It's more safe to slow down than to tailgate the swimmer in front.Trust me! To swim without goggles is rather difficult, but I'm allergic even to the hyperallergenic pairs; a super unsexy rash develops around my eyes... looks like a bad case of facial hemorrhoids! Although I can't see clearly underwater, my sense of smell is pretty keen. There are traces of Old Spice everywhere. I'm not sure why people wear deoderant into the pool, but whatever tickles their pickles is fine with me! As long as no one pees, it's all right.

When Randy works his rotating shift as lifeguard at the Parish Center, we usually catch up with one another.
"So can I guess?"
"About what?"
"You can just tell me, you know. Save me the trouble."
"Aw, no! It's really bad! The pits."
"So? I didn't break 14. Don't worry. haAha Is the first number at least a 1?"
"Ay Randy, that's so messed up man!"
With a devilish grin, he swims away before I can splash dirty pool water into his eyes.
Kaplan PSAT/SAT Revolution classes [what a waste of money!] sophomore year in midtown Manhattan turned out to be a surprise for both eSPy and me. Forget about the plug-in and backdoor techniques that our freakish "I-live-and-breathe-the-village-scene" teacher was imparting to us. hehe we had more important matters to concern ourselves with, like figuring out who the familiar face bolonged to. The guy sat diagonally from us and we approached him with little tact. Luckily, our victim turned out to be Mr. Randy! Pure de ja vous. :) Until this day, he still asks me about my SAT score and what college I'm going to attend and how well life is treating me. Laughing, I dodge some of the questions and answer others while he answers most of my nosy questions. I guess Randy is one of those rare, honest people who aren't afraid to hide anything. If asked whether or not we're good friends... nah. Chlorine buddies =) ... most definitely.

2/16/01 Canoe canoe
Que paso mi latina Ellen? C'mon let's butt shake! Sunday?
Yun Hee is right. For the guys, BROS BEFORE HO-S. For the girls, CHICKS BEFORE DIC-S. It sucks once people get caught up in the moment with their significant other or significant other-to-be and disregard all else, but it's also understandable... because hey, what can you do when you like/love someone so much except spend time with him/her?

"Borrowing" a poster doesn't account for stealing. Borrowing indefinitely... now that's food for thought! During second period, I've been having crazy, indecent thoughts floating around in my head. I have this impulsive urge to snatch down a poster of the most beautiful Poetry in Motion tidbit.

From Variations on the word SLEEP-
I would like to be the air that inhibits you for a moment only.
I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.

hehe I copied it down while Wayguard was participating [as always] on 2/9/01. =X Aww... For some reason, this piece strikes me as painfully honest. It has been on the trains for quite some time now [maybe for two years], yet each time I read those words, a renewed sense of calm surrounds me. Perhaps if I suck up to Dr. Shapiro, he'll let me borrow the poster forever! Most likely no. :T Instead, he'll just tell me to shut up and read a book.

"Sweet November" was... bittersweet. Katie didn't seem to enjoy it too much because 15 minutes into the movie, she took out a pen and notebook and began listing everything that was wrong in the flick; she came up with more than 30 things! My opinion should be dismissed because I'll always be partial to my favorite actor in the whole wide world. =) In grade school-- summer of 1994-- when I was in 5th or 6th grade, "Speed" was released and proved to be one of the best action films ever made. From then on, I've been a nutcase! There's something about Reeves' eyes: intensity. And his awkward, humble quirkiness :)The way he stutters and squirms makes him so... incredibly YUMMY!

Keanuuuuuu!! :D "Sweet November" comes out tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day... :)

Spank you guys... for this afternoon at Manhattan Mall =X Time well spent is time with you guys, especially when I get to be the butt of most of your jokes. uh huh, I was a fat, pink polka-dotted frilly dress-wearing baby. Jealous...

Ed Tsue is a Stuy Alumni. He goes to Umich with Jeff. An incredible writer, Mr. Tsue and his works are witty, reflective and indignant. They make me think and wonder and rationalize. His piece on LOVE makes me gush because it's honest and real. ah I always find myself going back to his zone to read =)

2/12/01 Iz and Kama Sutra
Last night, the big Hawaiin guy came back on the welcome message board! He was kind of pudgy hehe. Remembering that I had read a tidbit on him in the Snow Den, I finally checked his music out.=) cool guy IZ Wow, haha the song from "Finding Forrester" when Sean Connery rides his bike...that's Israel Kamakawiwo'ole!! His rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow is intriguing.

We discussed the Kama Sutra in English class today. Although I wanted to raise my hand and share with the class my close encounter with the topic, I remembered that what I had to say was nothing more than a pointless story. It's an amusing story nonetheless. Several years ago, while I was still in grade school... I think 4th or 5th grade... maybe even 6th? My brother's friend, Golf- a funky guy who truly believed he was record contract material- met up with us in the biggest mall in Asia, which was conveniently situated in Thailand hehe. yeee elephants! Lo and behold, "Kama Sutra" came out that summer haAhaha Mr. Big G insisted that we go watch it because it was "Japanese anime". (he was a college guy in love with Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon.)The rest of us were clueless as to what Kama Sutra was, let alone meant, and apparently, he was too. Because I was the youngest one out of the four, watching a movie with the older people seemed like so much fun. uhhh...

We walked into the theater with popcorn and drinks and ran out midway as fast as we could, leaving everything behind.
A: "Yo, that was porn. What the he-- was that? Anime my a--."
G: "Guys, my bad... my bad."
J: "That was gross."
A: "Luck, are you all right? You look.."
haAHaha traumatized is an understatement. But hey, at least I had a glimpse as to what is meant by the Kama aka physical pleasures (of all senses) eh? Pshh... it was all sex! S E X !!! EWW never again!!

Amy's haircut is so adorable. Wow 10" chop chop!!! That cutie-pie.

2/11/01 noonish
aww Shu signed my guestbook! She's the second person to do so after me... which technically makes her the first hehe. Thank you babe a boo!! ahh I'm so excited about the Allstar game tonight, can't wait can't wait!
SmiShy: hahaha ur font looks like dog crap
SmiShy: is it supposed to be ur version of orange
ac4abs: hahhah u should know shithead
I love it when he calls me that >)

The Right Kind of Wrong from Coyote Ugly should be The Wrong Kind of Right. That movie was really good and the soundrack is nice! hehehe Adam Garcia is a delicious Australian mate... enjoy entertainment buzz and Hollywood scene way too much =) I dunno... despite what my mind tells me, I feel something completely different and totally opposite you know? These contradicting urges are somewhat bothersome because for the first time almost, this thing I feel [whatever it is] seems right and yet, it's wrong. :T ahh restriction is a bad, bad nono. hahaha ok!

On a happier note, I realized Valentine's Day is almost here!! Still have to write my mommy a card :) Last term we had to write sonnet responses for Early Brit . And of course, pulling an all-nighter, I wrote this horrible thing to Sonnet 29 on friendship. Procrastination does wonders. In this case, the outcome was eeek. Pressure baby pressure hehe Last year however, when we were assigned a similar task for Mrs. Danaher's Shakespeare class, we weren't limited to a line-by-line response in our sonnets. Free-write was much more fun! haAha I took out my wallet to get my permit and reading what I had written as a junior made me laugh. Although it's smelly, kind of has February written all over it.

Once in a lifetime I'd bear a reason
For breathing: you have answered prayers true.
Having searched the world through year and season,
Shall I now surrender to love born-new?
So close to heaven never thought to find
Myself lost, living inside of your soul.
For you-whose essence fulfills my mind-
To realize this, completes my spirit whole.
Enveloped emotions remain concealed,
With Endless thoughts so desiring to speak;
Scarlet tears bleed for anguish unrevealed,
Enduring this battle to claim defeat.
Drowned by bittersweet silence on my tongue,
For lyrics of my heart are left unsung.

2/11/01 almost 3 am HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY ESTHER!
YAY!! ... a guestbook!
NBA Allstar Saturday was funky. The Slam Dunk contest didn't fall short of expectations because hehe I didn't have any. After Vince Carter's 360 between the leg windmill in 2000, I dunno... haAHa I was really excited to see my boy Houston in the 3point shoot-out. He was a little off, ok a lot off but still! And Trajan Langdon looked so yummy today; he gets cuter every year.

Katie rationalizes that there exists two kinds of guys -- the Russell Crowe's and the Noah Wyle's-- Gladiator vs. Doofy Doctor. haAhaThe rough and rugged, moody and macho vs. the intense and innocent, quirky and calm. There aren't many babes who fall in between, she says. And those who do are rare. It's a weird theory! She can have her Russells and I'll stick to my :) Noahs.

2/10/01 Habits Play Silent
Imagining life without aol is kind of scary. What would people do to "talk" to each other? Some still use the telephone, but for the most part, going online is one of the most convenient and efficient forms of communication... at least I think so! I can talk to several people simultaneously, dL my music, update this journal, read others' journals and websites, work on papers using Word, listen to mp3s, write email, find stats on my players all in one sitting. In eighth grade, the internet was the hot new thing and everyone was getting connected. Before hand, when boy liked girl or girl liked boy, either or both would use the conventional approach-- "Ew, cooties" and then hook up after spending time together at gym dances or class trips or recess and called each other only to end up in stutter. Ahaha, what happened? The thought of emails and ims gradually replacing phonecalls is a little nuts! I guess nowadays, aol is sort of a habit; checking mail is a daily routine. It's hard to imagine my adolescent years without aol. Despite talking to only about 6 out of the125 jiggas on my buddy list hehe, I would have been shut out of this wacky world of screen names had not been for the nifty im box. I should send Steve Case a Thank You card. That genius.

Go Esther servant Go! :DThe Stuyvesant Theater Community's production of "Taming of the Shrew" was really wonderful! [although...for the 20 mins I was knocked out. I fall asleep everywhere, regardless of the time, place or event =X] Thanks for buying me the ticket, Shmiro!

To kill time, Leah and I played together in the village. We roamed up and down Broadway from Canal Street and returned to school by foot. It was surprisingly simple too... straight down and turn right!! Since last term was so hectic and wild with the college process, spending downtime together is momentous, whether it's during a train ride to school or a stroll along the street. Essentially, I realized that the most important aspect of any friendship or relationship is I guess keeping up with each other and communicating. Talking. But as long as I'm with a special friend or a special babe [haha dulp I wouldn't know about the latter], silence can sometimes be fulfilling too. Sweet silence.

Noel walked into class with a complete list of adjectives that describes boobs. Perv. JKJK I was impressed at how thorough it was. Our section's "story" is almost a paragraph long. I added the phrase "prancing around, acting gay". Huge accomplishments in class :)
haAha strange, but definite integration is fun.

"A Choice of Weapons," by Phyllis McGinley
Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything,
But silence breaks the heart.

2/7/01The Pimp Daddy
"Play a game with me," he whispered. "Let's think of 20 words that describe boobs. I'll go first and then you go."
I glanced at his notebook while he scribbled veluptuous and laughed to myself.
"Is that how you spell it?" he asked.
"I don't remember man..." I whispered back, as I nervously jotted down voluptuous. "Like this maybe?"
Crossing it out, I could feel Ms. Chan's eyes gravitate towards our side of the room.Uh oh... deep breath. He either ignored her glare or was completely oblivious to it."OK, now you go Lucky."
I thought for a moment and wrote down bouncy. Noel laughed and mumbled something I didn't quite catch. Uh oh. Here we go...
"Why don't you share with us what you were whispering?"
He looked at her with a straight face and said, "Oh, I was just talking to Luck about..."
He paused. I sank into my chair. He thought for a bit. I prayed silently.
"...about Jasmine and the feces in the river." He smiled that loco dominican smile that gets him off the hook for soooo many things [!!!] and sat comfortably in his seat. Naturally, I turned bright red.
Ms. Chan answered thoughtfully,"That's a good question Noel! Can anyone help him out?"

Stealing a quick glance at Noel, I chuckled. He was right; we were missing our third link Leah. Maybe we should kidnap her and smuggle her into our English class 2nd period. In Mr. Loghmanee's Chem class, the three of us had a blast. Most of the time, Noel was scolded for distracting everyone, but it was FUN! And eversince, we've been pretty good buddies haAha. He's so wacky... aww Pam and Noel are so cute together!!! =)Not even a minute has gone by, and yet he comes up with another idea. "I'm going to write a story and pass it around. You have to write a sentence and contribute." I mouthed to him We're going to get in trouble with Ms. Chan! He probably understood me. Yeah... he did hahaha and said, "Don't worry!" I looked at him dumbfounded and shook my head, laughing.

Good thing I had Ms. Chan last term too, for Early Brit.

Hmm... I wonder how the gymnastics meet was. Where's Larry when you need him? JKJK. I'm sure they won.

It seems as if I've used this weblog as a medium for whining and complaining too much. =X

At Times Square, near the stairs leading to the 7 train platform, there were these four breakdancers who put on quite a show! The dudes were popping and twisting and flipping and walking mid-air to some old-school rhymes!! I was tempted to give them a dollar because they deserved it [and much more] ... until I remembered that the leader of the crew yelled at me prior to their awesome performance. uh huh he blew it big time. haAha naw... next time I see them, I'll make sure I drop in a bean or two. It was incredible!

Wow, exactly one week until Valentine's Day. Kind of crazy, but I've never really been bitter about this particular day; I kind of enjoy it. And once the calendar hits the 14th, I take out the cassette single Cupid from way back in the day when we were little and replay it until the lyrics come rushing back into my head. Other love songs too shh... my all time favorite Karaoke song-- Savage Garden's Truly, Madly, Deeply.haAHa everyone thinks that I over-use the phrase "ahhh they're so cute together!" =X Perhaps I do, but I wouldn't mention it if it weren't true. Each couple has this appealing quality I can't describe... that makes them fit together like two jigsaw puzzles. =) Just watching them makes me feel all giddy inside. Imagine what it must feel like to actually be one of the two? Breathless.

And four months until the senior prom. Uh oh. Big, humungo uh oh.

Clean snow is pretty, especially when it covers the naked tree branches. I can watch snowflakes fall down for hours, but thinking about the shoveling creates this evil image of snow: dirty, muddy, icky. Hopefully, salt manufacturers will make the kind of salt that not only dissolves ice in an instant without damaging the pavement, but also eliminates the lovely past time of digging and shoveling snow. :D I will give the genius who comes up with such a product a big, fat kissmackaroo on the cheeks! Uh oh... that's not motivation.That's more like torture. Ohhh OK I got it! I'll give the super salt creator part of my colonial quarter collection... I only have 9 though :T

At Abercrombie, Megan and Kat sooo did not tell me how halter tops worked. Who would have thought that the built-in bras weren't really bras and that you could wear a strapless bra underneath if you wanted to? Geez... and I'm in the dressing room wondering why in the world girls wanna wear tank tops that show off their nipplets!!

Simon [Lifehouse] on my MD makes me me.

My mommy opened her eyes and looked at me this morning. I'm 17 and I still sleep with her hahaha =X. She makes me feel warm and safe. =) We were lying in bed, awake yet silent and all I could think of were Jeff's words. He's like a brother to me; I know him all too well. And I'm sure he wanted to say, "Imagine if the tables were turned Lucky. You have to think this through. How would you feel, dudette?" but being the awesome dude that he was, he refrained. Instead, he gave me advice as always and made me laugh the troubles away. Thank you Dude.

I shifted back and forth a couple of times, turning my back towards my mommy so she wouldn't see the tears that fell down. There was no way out of this predicament except to do what I do best: run away and hide. Despite remembering what Morrie told Mitch, I realized that perhaps one day I'll follow the guru's advice-- I owe myself that much. "But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely." [p. 103] :T Tis not so. Not yet. Not until I'm 30 and a few screws have gone loose. :)

Waiting for my aunt at the airport, I had the chance to continue from where I left off in David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day, one of the most hilarious books I've ever read. Sedaris is an essayist and quite a character indeed. I love his wit and biting sarcasm... haAHaha his collections are crazy! Well, I was laughing to myself for almost an hour when this strange voice calls out my name. It became a pattern. Every 30 seconds, I'd stop reading and turn to my left only to see a crowd of people unload from some mother country. The voice matched that of my aunt's voice-- loud, loud, loud! My grandparents are Chinese and you know how some people say that the Chinese are loud? That's not true for the most part. Really! As for this particular aunt and my grandmother, whoa baby. "AH LUCK AH!!!" They're really cute though hehe. I thought that my aunt had arrived, screaming my name, but then again, she left for only a week. Why would she get all buck? The person yelling turned out to be an elderly lady with a little baby. ahh I felt so bad for them! Aww... they were lost and apparently, didn't know anyone. Sometimes I have this urge to be brave and walk up and help, but I chicken out :T.Today was a perfect example. Luckily, her family came to embrace her and calm her down after what seemed to be 15 minutes worth of relentless name-calling. Meanwhile, my dear aunt was home sweet home with her hubby bubby. Like two doofs, moms and I went to meet her in Elmhurst hahaha ok.

Ahhh, thanks for the loud button, Katrina!!! I have the coolest one... hehehe JKJK. And yes, I now realize what you meant by loud. No sounds. [Dulp I was adjusting the volume to my speakers =X.] Just flashy visual effects. haAhaha ohh my KNICKS colors!!! Thank you, buddy!

7:17 am - I had my third driving lesson. Crazy, good thing I was alert for most of the turns or else my instructor would been holding on to his dear life! I've never met anyone who repeated the same word in a 45 minute time span more than Adolpho. He's such a huggable person-- one of those people who would never get mad at a mistake. His voice goes up and down too... "Easy, easy, easy, slow down...easy, easy, easy" . Poor guy. I'll bet he prays before picking me up in front of my house.

Playing ball with Arnold at the center was fun. We didn't play play, but we shot around in games such as HORSE, Around the World, Free Throws, etc. He's pretty good haAha we haven't hung out since forever. We were late to the NAM coffee house which was enjoyable for the most part! The video segment and praise and skits were awesome. Somehow, I always feel welcomed at that church, even though I'm not Christian.Thanks for inviting me, eSPy and Leah babes!

Anxiety sure plays nasty mind games! College seems so far away. It's such a huge deal that sometimes the uncertainties become overwhelming. I'm truly happy for everyone whose dreams came true for early decisions! And listening to them gush about their schools makes me wanna just... haAHa hug hug hug. [hehe... I'm not such a touchy feely type person. I tend to poke or tug and when I'm really excited, I jump around like a chimp and hit people. For those who have not realized it yet, forgive me if I hurt you unintentionally.] When I went out for dinner with Leah, Hiro and Sarah before finals week to celebrate their acceptances, I was so proud! At Applebees, I kept making noises like "Ahhh" or "Yayyyyy" hahaha and asking nonstop questions because I was curious as to what it felt like to be wanted, to be honored, to be the chosen one!! [Remember Morpheus? Red or Blue pill... hurry hurry! ok.The Matrix was one of the best flicks ever-go Keanu go! He is simply yummy to my tummy.]

Aww... Brian McKnight is on the radio. Now he's what I call a lyricist. :D He can churn out beautiful lyrics and make you want to fall in love in an instant.
If ever I believe my work is done then I'll start back at one...
Say farewell to the dark of night I see the coming of the sun I feel like a little child Whose life has just begun You came and breathed new life Into this lonely heart of mine You threw out the lifeline Just in the nick of time

And then, yep the chorus... he starts counting. Ohhh! 98 Degrees... my favorite AHEM vocal group [no, don't even mention boy band]. I can listen to them forever hehehe balladeers... Invisible Man... The Hardest Thing... This Gift... I Do (Cherish You)... My Everything (which is playing now)... Always You and I... and The Way You Do. uh huh so sweet.

2/2/01 Esther + Katie will be joining us across the border. Fun fun fun! [dL Across the Border- Philly's Most Wanted]
Don't eat Mambas! All stores are taking them off the shelf! AhHh mad cow threat from European beef gelatin! That's old news to many, but new news to me =X.

Arnold has been drawing for weeks. He claims that he's been drawing for only one week. I know better than he does though :D That portfolio is taking forever and it takes time away from him paying full attention to my banter! haAHa check out his skills from sophomore year. It's Kat and me dressed in matching adidas outfits for ultimate next to Tim Duncan. Doesn't he look like a tree trunk? And us... we look like little Mexicans. arnold's doodle My, what an artist!

[Yun Hee is my bball buddy!!! She enrolled in our class today YAY!]

There's a good kind of shock. The kind of surprise that I'm not prepared for at all. Usually, a brief moment of fear is followed by nonstop =)s. And as a result, hehehe I tried getting rid of this dorky, goofy look throughout Orna's class, but I couldn't. He pointed at my tomato face when I walked in, "You scrotz you. What, what are you doing smiling in here? And you laugh too. Fritz and a frackle. Are you done? Stop it, scrotz." haAHaha you know how he makes up these phrases...

Grey Poupon.
It was on the ninth floor. A familiar face appeared straight ahead. As I squinted at him, he looked back curiously. Our eyes met and dropped towards the floor. I looked up again and we semi-stopped midway. Followed by meek smiles and nods, we ultimately exchanged wholehearted Hi's. The fact that we continued walking in opposite directions didn't bother me one bit. He was no longer just another dude who used to be in my classes; he became someone else... I can't seem to put a label on what though. It's weird. Little moments like these make me so happy; an indelible smile remained on my face throughout the whole day! Second term began with a rockin' start. On the train today, I asked Jisun how to spell the famous honey mustard. She reaffirmed my assumption and somehow, it reminded me of my encounter with Gidon. Except I think Gidon is spelled differently like Gidojn or Gidohn. Either way, it sounds like Grey Poupon hehe. She knows who I'm talking about though! I wonder if he remembers me from Mrs. Manwell's biology class freshman year. Or even Ms. Liang's math class before she got her crutches. Probably not... I haven't seen or talked to him for so long! Yet, if I were to sign his yearbook, I would write something nice and personal--something more than "Good Luck in college and Best wishes". I dunno... every single person is pretty special. I walk around in school amazed by how many people hide their talents and coolness so well. Show it! Share it!

Six benches full of testosterone, a Bologna and a Kai is super intimidating! haAha that's the make-up of my gym class. Embarrassing is an understatement. I've thought about transferring out and I talked to Mr. Bologna about it too, but somehow I think I'll stick it out and see what happens. The worst that will happen is being made fun of and laughed at for the next 4 months. :)

SmiShy: hehehe my richard simmons in gym
BishonenRK: uhhh
BishonenRK: richard simmmons?
BishonenRK: thats soo mean
BishonenRK: i'm not talking to you
SmiShy: noooooo take that as a compliment!!
BishonenRK: you're my janet reno
SmiShy: hahaha ur calling me mean?
SmiShy: naw! richard simmons encourages people

1/31/01 late afternoon
A few conclusions I made while swimming at the parish center:
1. Swimming shrinks your boobs.
2. Old women have huge breasts!!! Holy wows... and they're real!
3. The Woodside community should consider replacing open showers with private stalls at the center.
4. The lane lines on the pool floor are there for a reason.
5. I miss Edwin McCain songs. I Could Not Ask for More is better than I'll Be. They're so soothing and nice; he should write and sing some more ballads.
6. hehe Ray Romano tells his wife to go cry on the bags of money at home when she complains about him not having time for the family.
7. Barnes and Noble should sell a "Poetry in Motion" collection book.
8. Colonel strips are yummy, but hey... que paso con Roy Rogers?
9. Maybe swimming just makes your boobs more muscular. ehhh that's gross.
10. February 1st = 1st day of second term... where did I put my binder? Genovese has dividers... =O

1/31/01 1am-ish but still awake
Harrington for Strickland... go Layden go. My boy Houston is an all-star... YAY!

Talking to Sarah a few minutes ago reminded me of what struck me earlier this morning:
"The key to a girl's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time." -Forrester [Sean Connery in Finding Forrester]
It's funny how every time I take a dump in the bathroom, I keep thinking about it. The more I try to figure out if it really does hold true, the further I am from a legitimate answer. Babes don't want gifts as much as a smile, a friendship, a we? hMm but then again, I don't know anything! I don't think us girls need gifts to feel special hehe. Perhaps he's talking about the non-costly sentimental gifts that come straight from the heart though. Something thoughtful and sincere, like a comforting talk or a small high five or a corny joke that shows concern hahaha. uh huh words and actions shall outlast all else :D
Sarah eSPy wanted to watch that movie and it was a good pick indeed! We went to the shoebox Sunnyside Theater on Super Tuesday matinee last week and hung out at Baskin Robbins. [1 B or 2 B's?] haha laughing together was so much fun; I'm really going to miss her when she's off to Dartmouth!

1/31/01 uh oh
AHHHHHH!!!! I accidentally deleted a huge chunk of my journal! The Finding Forrester and Clyde/Knicks and BioContinuim entries are gone! Hurry guys! HELP me remember what I wrote hehehe... aww man. I suck at this web stuff. My counter disappeared too!HAhaHAha :T I'll put up a new one, but you know, it's ok. There will be other stories to tell and other fun moments to jot down! Don't you worry. :D

1/30/01 almost midnight
Sitting on the 7 train this afternoon with my mom, I had some quiet time to myself and I began to indulge in this gay self-pity. I don't advise anyone to do it too much hehe. It's weird... because the minute I see him, my dog days go rolling out. He's probably the only person who makes me feel smart when I've done something stupid, unique instead of typicals, strong rather than weak. He's my brother. Ace. He needed bed sheets back in the dorms so we dropped them off for him while he was in the city. We got him the frilly ones haAHa. And despite his hectic schedule with the team, he managed to meet us. Together, us three predicted a win against St. Johns, and even though that didn't quite work out because of retarded Cook, I'm proud of his team. They played their hearts out! haAHa crazy to's but it was exciting! As for Ace, I know to be able to shoot around during warm-ups in the garden was unbelievable.

Funny, some people crack jokes because he doesn't get any minutes, and at times, I kid around about that too. It's different when other people say things though-- it's not right. hehe only I can! JKJK Seriously though... it's some pride-swallowing stuff to toil each day at practice and not get any recognition. As one of the four walk-ons, he gets no scholarship... nothing. Guys like Mouring, Saunders, Wane, Brown, Butler... they don't have to do jack because their mindset is focused on the big leagues. It's different for him; he's got a diploma to earn and a job to find after next year. For now, I know my brother is living out his dream and much more. Everything else that comes along with the package is icing on the cake. :)

So for those cocky guys who are all talk, man... I'm here to defend my bro, who exemplifies humility. No doubt. No trashtalking, no showboating, nothing but the sport. Every time I look at him, I smile because in those pair of tired eyes, I see a true athlete. :)

1/30/01 9am-ish HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY SARA!!!
My CSS/FAFSA forms are screwed, but at least I got a picture of my brother and mommy on successfully! my family

Although I'm not an avid fan of the NFL, I'm waiting for the Super Bowl. The NY GIANTS pulled an incredible 5 td's and hopefully, they'll pull off something spectacular tonight! Sehorn is a babe. ahHhh go KNICKS!

Last night, I read a remarkable online jounal. It was one of those scroll-down-the-page things, but it kept me up until 3 almost; I am so inspired. [That, and for a few more days, I'll have nothing better to do because second term senior year is finally here. YAY!!]The person who wrote the E train piece seems like a really down to earth kind of guy. I think I know who he is, but I'm not too sure. If he really is the same person, he's one of those people in your classes whom you wish you got to know and be friends with throughout high school. You pass them in the hallways and stair cases, but often times, you fear that an impulsive acknowledgement would be unreciprocated, met with a mere brush-off. And once graduation time comes around, you realize that you missed out. Strange, that's how I feel about a lot of kids in school. It sucks even more for me because I'm a quiet person.

We were in Senor Junco's FS4 class with Jae and Daniel aka Horace, Kiwon and Moses [I think]. I attended Junco's funeral and as his coffin rolled by me, a chilly sensation ran through my body; never before did I experience death so closely. An amazing teacher, Senor Junco was a superstar singer and an admirable man. I can still remember his rosy red cheeks and endless "Senorita Luck's". His voice will echo in the heavens above--I'm sure of it.

Was that a wee bit much? I don't think I'm going to write anything too personal here, but I will update it every now and then. The html codes are similar to the profile codes! haAHa I'm not ready to make a real page yet... I'll just stick to this weblog for now :)

... now with a guestbook! YAY!! [Link up at the top.] You guys know the deal... email or im me. hehe I'm an idiot-- new counter:Counter

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