JournalAussie

Smoochie's Travel Journal

Trip to Australia and around with Swappy

Down and out Down Under

Day One

Smoochie T Frog here! Sorry, always wanted to say that, ever since I first saw my hero Kermit when I was a wee tadpole watching Sesame Street. Well, I'm off again. Fran told me she wants something unusual for Christmas this year, so I decided to set off with Swappy and David out to the Far East and Down Under. He was already headed that way, so I just tagged along. Flight from DFW to LAX was not unusual. I notice that Swappy has declined my advice from our last trip- the advice about regular bathing. Needed to get some air, so I swiped Swappy's credit card and went to the Duty-Free shop and bought all the Scotch I could carry. I figured that would keep me until I get to Japan. Swappy seems to think he's going to China. Well, navigation has never been one of his strong points.

We're in Japan and Swappy is wandering off to find a vending machine. He keeps giggling like a school girl, so I don't know what he's up to. We've got a few hours before the next flight, so I'm gonna go have a look-round and see what's up.

Whoa that was a weird 3 hours. I had only made it 30 yards away from David when I was taken captive by a bunch of cultists. They were against high taxes, against relations with Chile (no idea why) and apparently against deodorant. *phew*! They had taken hostages and were threatening to fill the royal palace with non-dairy whipped cream if their demands weren't met. I noticed one of the hostages didn't look so worried so I sidled up to him to see what his deal was. Turns out he was with Interpol and was gonna bust these guys from the inside. Having nothing better to do for a couple of hours, I said I'd help him. He was grateful, since his partner hadn't shown up yet but kind of dubious, me being a small frog and all. I told him he clearly had not seen the movie 'Drunken Master' and promptly downed 3 litres of 21-year-old single malt scotch. My memory gets a bit blurry there but the upshot was that I was back with David and Swappy in time for the connecting flight, the cult had been rounded up, and people kept referring to me as Frogi Yojimbo, Master of Frog-Fu. They let me keep the Samurai-sword shaped letter opener I'd grabbed during the fight. I hid it in David's carry-on. He got busted and the plane had to wait while he got strip searched in some room. Didn't look very happy- or comfortable- when he got back. I decided to nap for a bit.

Swappy is now ranting about some flying monkeys. I told him to shut up and quit drooling on the window. He said he'd heard something about an International Date Line on the speakers, but they hadn't given him the 1-976 number to call, and now I think he's going to complain to the waitress, stewardess, whatever they are.

I think it's still today. Maybe not. All I know is I haven't slept properly yet. We are in Australia now and Thanks to the heat and humidity in Sydney, the monkey smells worse than ever. We've been all over the city. Swappy's already a larcenous petty crook, but this time it was on accident. I had to explain what the phrase 'Take Away' means in regards to food. We saw the Opera House and Bridge. While Swappy negotiates the ticket price, I sat up high on a rail trying to see how many tourists I could spit on from there. Oops. Looks like Swappy offended the ticket guy, we gotta go. Took some pictures and had some taken of us. Swappy started being too friendly with a local, so I wandered off. Later tonite we're going on a dinner cruise around the Harbour.

Late note-

Fell off the railing of the boat and ended up taking an unexpected swim. Wonderful thing, travelling- all sorts of interesting new kinds of fish tried to eat me while I swam to shore. Won some money in a poker game and decided to amuse myself in a tattoo parlor. Told the guy to pierce my tongue, but being a frog and all, I kept moving at the last second, faster than he could see. He pierced himself several times before giving up. Got a tattoo that says 'I Luv Fran' on my right shoulder. Unfortunately, it's green, so you can't see it. Found Swappy, went back to find David and get some real sleep.

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Day Two-

Woke up, realized it was Christmas. Several things occurred to me at once. One- I wasn't going to be back in time to give Fran a present. I'm so dead. Two- Swappy has a present for me, and I didn't get him anything. I ran off into the hallway and stole some fruit off a cart waiting to be delivered to another room. I gave this to Swappy and he gave me some Peppermint Schnapps. We grabbed some grub and went to the beach. He was rambling something about Bratney Spears being there somewhere, so I told him to please fling some crap at her for me, if we spot her. Swappy insisted we work on our tans. I tried to explain that I don't have melanin in my skin and that he was covered in fur- might as well try to explain how to fix a PC to him- no comprehension. We noticed the smoke from the wildfires on the news. All I knew is that this sort of thing gets blamed on me, so I suggested we retire for the day. I picked up a gift for Fran on the way back. Drank some of my present and now headed for bed. Sun takes a lot out of a frog.

Day Three-

Decided to go to the boat races today. Big mistake. I prefer fist-hand experience so I stowed away on one of the boats. Swappy came with, and being far less unobtrusive, got us busted. Pitched us out of the boat halfway across the water. We landed on some beach that got the monkey all worked up, but I ignored him when I spied the Casino. Been a while since I've been to one I haven't been thrown out of at least 4 times. The monkey played the slot machines (all those lights and colours make him happy) while I got some good bourbon and won big on the Blackjack tables. THEN the proprietors decide suddenly there's a no animals policy. Yeah- soon as I start clearing them out, they suddenly remember this. I told them if that was the case they ought to clear out themselves since they certainly smelled like some sort of stock animals. I ran for it, the barman shouting something about my tab. I cashed my chips fast and almost got knocked over by Swappy as he too was being run out.

All the running had sent the bourbon to me head and apparently I suggested we go to the space shuttle exhibit and jack it for a ride. It was closed, so we decided the next best thing would be to go to Planet Hollywood. If I were less inebriated at the time, I might have recalled they went belly up a couple of months ago. Monkey went off to have pie, and I woke up some miles away, apparently having followed a blue line in the road for some time. I later found it was related to the Olympic Marathon. I was a year too late to compete.

Toured around a bit here and there. Landmarks, Universities, etc. Some Japanese tourists recognized me from the news and bowed politely with a 'Frogi Yojimbo!' shouted heartily. I had, surprisingly enough, picked up Japanese while on my 3-hour adventure a few days back. Swappy was trying to ask, in very broken Japanese, if they had any Pocky Candy, but was in fact asking if their ancestors felt special about some free camel cheese. I apologized for him and we left them.

Later, I was surprised to find a Grace Brothers Dept. Store in Sydney. Swappy asked the man at the counter if he could speak to Captain Peacock or if Mr. Humphreys was free to chat. Once again, monkey fails to separate TV from reality.

Got tanked on the way back to the rooms, don't recall much after that.

Day Four-

Today it was my turn to pick the event, so I got us locked in on a wine-tasting tour. I have only vague, warm, happy memories of that morning or afternoon. I did evidently lift Swappy's card again and order a crate of Pino Griggio. Boy is Russ gonna be surprised when THAT shows up on the doorstep at home. I do sort of remember waking up in a bottle and having to roll it around until it broke against something. That night I couldn't find Swappy. One thorough search later, I rescued him from the industrial clothes drier in the basement. He can't hold his booze. He seems to have staggered into the laundry chute and ended up here. At least he smells a whole lot better now. Probably will not see straight for days, though. David had us booked for an overnight boat ride to Coffs Harbour.

Day Five.

After getting here, Swappy heard two words: Big and Banana. Specifically, they were linked together, one being the modifier for the other. He took off like a bolt and I've not seen him again all day. Having no particular interest in fruit, I stepped out on my own. Went to a pub and hung out with some locals. Traded stories, had a good time. They taught me that no one but really obvious tourists ordered Foster's there- kind of like ordering French Bread and French Fries in a Caf้ on Champs Elys้es in Paris. Evidently, Victoria's is the lager of choice. Played some darts, watched a local amateur rugby match on telly and spent the night at a local hostel.

Day Six-

Woke up this morning to discover one of the other occupants of this hostel was a fellow Yankee traveller named Dale Feldman. He was an armadillo from Parsippany New Jersey. I say 'was' since after talking over breakfast, he headed across the street to get some film for his camera and was promptly run over by a passing tractor-trailer truck. Uncanny how that happened. I'd swear it had Arizona plates too, but it might have been my bad morning vision.

Went spelunking in some caves with a tour. Lots of really neat critters down there. Too bad David and Swappy missed this. Then again, Swappy is afraid of the dark. That's why the doctor says he starts so many fires.

Day Seven-

Well, this was a weird day. Not too many people can say they've been eaten by a kangaroo. I can. It started when I went to Dreamworld Zoo and decided to talk to the local wildlife. Wombats are a lot of fun, and they tell the most unusual jokes. Had a blast swapping stories with a group of them. They especially liked the story about how I met Fran, although Ollie- the oldest one- was most impressed that I'd fallen off the Eiffel Tower into a certain U.S. Senator who evidently can't drive well near water. Ollie said he wished he could have seen that.

Moving on, I hung out with the Koala Bears for a while. They are very laid-back. They just ate leaves and berries all day and had nice, slow conversations. I was surprised to discover almost all Koala Bears like Jazz and that that nearly a third of the guys are named Maurice. No idea why. Now and then they made vague references to a future 'Day of Retribution' when mimes would be hunted for sport, banjos would be outlawed, and they sworn enemies they would not name would get what was coming to them. Something about flaming hot birdseed and wingtip shoes. I think the berries were getting to them, but it still sounds like there's a Koala Conspiracy out there. Hmmm.

Checked out some reptiles before heading to the Kangaroo area. I figured, being fellow hoppers we'd have a lot in common. I hopped the fence and landed right in front of one. I apparently startled him and then he mistook me for a treat tossed by a passer-by. It never occurred to me to even wonder what a kangaroo's tonsils look like. Now I know. When I objected to being chewed, Harvey, that was his name, spat me back out and apologized. He and his mates gathered round and we talked hop. Jumping, bouncing, hopping, bounding; all the jump talk fellow hoppers discuss in good company. Harvey also had a stash of Victoria Extra Wicked Bitter in the shrubbery, so we shared that 'round. That's when Swappy came blundering up. He was on the run from someone, saw the 'roos there and dove for Tina's pouch. Now, this is not only very rude in kangaroo society, but quite a rude awakening for Swappy. He wasn't prepared for the experience and neither was Tina. This did not endear him to them, but I calmed everyone down. We took some more photos and I took Swappy back to meet to Koalas. That was a huge mistake, and I think they now have added him to their 'list' I cannot believe Swappy acted that way in public. When we get back, I'm going to recommend to David we that either get Swappy married off or get him neutered. Preferably neutered.

It started raining, so we went back to town on a bus. Hit a restaurant and I ordered the 'Special' without bothering to read it. When I had barely begun eating Swappy pointed out that this was in fact Kangaroo Meat, I spit it out (ironically enough) and decided to head to the Pub before turning in.

Day Eight-

Time for New Year's Eve! We headed to Brisbane to celebrate. This was a special event, so that night I snuck off to the nearby waterfront and added my own touch to the fireworks of the evening. You may recall that I pocketed a small firework simply marked 'Boom' from our old pal Twitch in Illinois some time back. Well, with the aid of a slingshot and a lighter, I sent it out over the water. Everything went bright-bright white and I lost consciousness. Local law enforcement chalked it up to a meteor that mist have stuck the waterfront, even though no space agency could confirm this. I do know the residents of the international space station said they could see the flash from space. I woke up, probably a hour later, and went looking for the Irish Pub Swappy said he'd be in. Three pints of Bass, a Guinness, and a double scotch later I was over the blast shock. Swappy and I got kicked out late in the morning of the next day. Police were investigating the ''ncident' last night, so I figured we ought to get out of the country and fast. Picked up one more souvenir for Fran and we headed for New Zealand.

Day Nine-

Wandered around and took in New Zealand. It's gorgeous here. I'll have to see if I can buy the place. Lots of room to spread out. Hey, better me than some conglomerate that would just build casinos here. Then again- that's what I'd probably end up doing too, eventually. Oh well. Found a nice Cyber Caf้. Sent email to Russell with a few shots of our adventure. We did some touristy stuff and then I decided I was entirely too sobre so Swappy and I heisted some hooch and went back to the rooms.

Day Ten-

More Tourist stuff. Got to see a place or two where shots from the new Lord of the Rings films were made. Mostly wooded stuff. Swappy landed us in a tourist trap and we got gypped out of a lot of cash just for a few trinkets. Still, I got something for Fran (gotta have a really good explanation why I'll be a week and a half late for Christmas) then went to a nice hostel.

Day Eleven-

David?s got the idea to go diving. Sounds great to me- I don't even have to rent a frog suit! I've waited years to say that. Anyhow- Swappy was all grumpy and uncooperative since most monkeys can't swim worth a darn. That's why he had to hold on to me when headed back to shore the other day. Swam around with David. He caught the attention of some sharks, then they saw me and tried to eat me too. I just laid some Frog-Fu on one and the other ran off. Licked an electric eel down there (on a dare from David) and I'll have to put that under the 'Do Not Ever Do That Again' list. Brought Swappy a nice fish to play with- a Portuguese Man-o-War. He tried wearing it as a hat. It stung him. Head swelled up so he looked like the Alpha-Dominant Orangutan at the zoo. Ever hear a money cry? It ain't pretty. Oh, and yes, he's a monkey. Calls himself a chimp, but he has a tail. Very deluded critter.

Went back in to town and bought Swappy dinner (with his card) to make up for the jellyfish incident. It was a nice Austrian restaurant. I had enough Bratwurst to keep me happy for days.

Day Twelve-

Slept in today while Swappy took in more sites. I had breakfast when I got up and when the others returned, I had second breakfast too. That #@(%& David accidentally locked me in the suitcase when packing to head to Auckland. David made up for it with dinner. Mongolia BBQ- one of my favorites. Where else can you load 7 different meats in your bowl to be broiled? I ate all of mine, then decided to eat some of Swappy's. He got upset - cause I fell in it. Another evening, another Pub- nice vacation.

Day Thirteen-

Must have been some evening last night. It took me a half hour to figure out where I was this morning. We hit the airport again, headed for Fiji this time. David's luggage keeps getting more and more numerous. Been buying suitcases and stuffing them with local, um, liquid refreshments. Hehehe.

Chilled out on the beach, got some rest. Got stuck in a large seashell for a while. Swappy called me a 'Fiddler Frog' when he saw me with the shell on my back. I hit him in the head with it.

Day Fourteen-

Headed back to the U.S. now. Gotta sort through my journal here and get it ready to publish. Need a bath really badly, too.

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