Mood: at a loss 
I feel cold. I'm so glade I'm not there, That why if I loose the apartment, I'm living in my car with the cats...or putting them up with friends. No way, NO WAY AM I Going Home! I might have to kill myself.
I lost my job due to 'budget cuts' at the beginning of last month. I was coming up on a year since the start of my contract, and my company had a freeze on hiring 'Real full time' employees. Which I would have become by law, if I had been there over a full year, and have benifets. The company is know for usually letting people go by the end of a year, then rehiring them 3 month later to get around making them offical full time employees with benifits. Same time this year I was trying to find a job and got hired in the end of March. Looks like I'm back to wear I started.
The whole thing has me stressed. Another roomate is going to loose their job, next week, and will be on un-employment as well. Oh yeah! I move out from living on my own to living with two roomates in a 3 bedroom about 8 months ago. I got a cat, while in the studio after about 6 months of living alone, his name is Tweak. After moving in with my roomates, 4 months later (give or take) I got a girl kitten and named her Squee. I love them.
Other than that not much. No Men in my life. Don't care. I actually live with a guy and a girl. Both are from my old school. And the guy had applyed to my company and was put on my team. Eventually I learned he was looking for a place with the friend (my other roomate) and I asked if I could join them. Bills were making it impossible to stay living alone. Believe me I would have kept it up as long as possible. It was freeing, if not lonely a bit, but nice. Unfortunately that experience is over. But I don't entirely mind. I have some really good roomates. And it really works out well. I was odd, I had a picutre from graduation with them and found it after we moved in together. Given it's not always roses and daisies, but it's pleasant, and not stressful here.
Oh yeah, wow a lot happened. Well right before I was going to move it I was suppose to go to Comic Con, which still happen, but then suddenly my Grandpa past away. Right before everything. It was a mess. It was really depressing, I thought it would be ok since it was a memorial severice, since he was creamated, but one look at a picture sent me nearly bawling. Poor grandma. I'm going to see her this weekend. There was a week gah between it all well the death then the con/moving.
Oh and moving was a mess! I had to do it on my own! Which was transfering my stuff from one place 30 miles away to another with just my car. I have a four door...not a lot got moved at a time. Given though, and thankfully, I don't own that much. I got a little help at one time from my freind's mom with her van....and I'm grateful, but everyone was really too busy to help. So It was just me going up and down stairs with all of my things. And there were a lot of stairs. I'm SO thankful for the random maintainance guy at my new place that took my dresser up. I would have been SOooooo screwed. The bed was a pain enough. Oh the inside of our place has stairs to the upstairs...and our apartment starts on the second floor. At least my roomates had help. I 'was' slightly bitter about it, but I feel acomplished a little. Though, since I never had the time to properly move in ( worked the next day) I never fully unpacked. And now some part of me is afraid to since I don't know what will happen. Like will we be able to stay here much longer? I need a job, like many I know. But really I need a job.
And then there are the rediculious medical bills that I can't pay. I really don't know what to do about it. and my wrist achs so much right now. Well, I fractured my wriste last month, right before my last week at my job. I got the cast off a few weeks ago, but it still hurts. I'm suppose to go in for a follow up apointment, but I really can't afford it. As it is I haven't paid for the other appointments and each were a little over a hundred dollars. I have a $1464.00 bill for the ER I had to go to for the wrist. I almost didn't go, saying it was just spraind, but my roomates forced me. And while good, I knew it wouldn't be cheap, but I was only expecting a few hundred, not that! And that's with health insurance people.
*sigh* I'm really glade I have this journal for things like this. WHy do I keep this one instead of just a paperback? I don't know. In away I want to post this on my Lj, but then again I don't. And having a paper book that someone might read that knows me isn't really a good thing. So a sight, unlisted, that no one knows about, where only stranger can read about this, and even if they knew me... the likely -hood they would know it was me is slime. I just don't want my family finding this. I'd never hear the end of it.
Gah it hurts. I think typing aggrivated my wrist. Putting the brace back on.
So what do I do know? Really at a lose. I know that I have to keep trying and all that. If I even think about what might happen I feel like a can't breath alomost, I just get overwhelmed. Sounds pathetic, but here's what would happen. 1.) couldn't pay med bills... they come after me maybe 2.) might loose my place...that would mean I might be forced to move back home. Yeah no. Dunno...But in good news it looks like if I use one whole check and a little of the other check from un-employment I can pay rent. I just wouldn't be able to buy food or anything really for two weeks. But it's do-able. I really want to stay in this apartment, and if I loose it would be a mess. So scraping by, doesn't bother me. As long as there is money for cat food. My friends mom help me a lot in the food department, she's so nice. I don't know how I can evr repay them.
Well tired, and feel like a wrote a essay. Later.
Mood: hopeful
My computer is making clicking sounds every now and again; since I turned it on. And I'm told my hard drive is about to fail. ;_; So I started to back up everything I really cherished. Their is alot on this old computer. I've had this thing since I was 14 or so...I think it offically became just mine at 16 or 18...more like 18 but that's not the point! While it's been rebuilt a bit and touched up it still has old parts.
Anyway, looking though all my stuff took me down memory lane. Really reminded me of where I've been. All the way back to the begining parts of high school to now. The start of college didn't seem like so long ago, but then again it has. All I can think is, "who knew." I'll be graduating for the last time and finding a job. I really hope everything goes well. I'm still unsure of how everything will go down, but I feel a little better than I did last quarter. Well better get to work before the computer crashes. Till next time.
Mood: relatively good
This year wasn't as rough as the last. I still lost a few people I new. I think it was 3 in all. but that over a span of 2 years. well year and a half. School has me busy along with my job at the school book/supply store.
oh yeah I didn't realy put that here, well... as I said some relatives and co-workers died. Had a horrible bf that cheated on me and acted like the victum..I really could care less, for this reason. The relationship sucked, honestly I'm surprised he found someone to cheat with. OH and it was with my friend...that I was going to move in with. messed up right. Well I was more pissed at him than her..because he did this whole drama thing on live journal and tried to as he said "cut all ties" by being rude. He got over it when I confronted him and her about it...oh yeah he wrote it in his journal. didn't even have the balls to fess up. After he even tried to get back with me. IDIOT. and what sad is he still is. DUDE take a hit, I DON'T like you!
Anyway, after living with 'the friend' for a year in student housing I move out. Trust me a studio with two is cramped. Also it was starting to affect the friendship. Oh yeah she kept dragging up the past of my ex incident and wondering why I didn't hate her, till I finally told her to drop it. ooo I could go on...but I won't. So one thing I'm changing (I admit I'm still working on it) is that I'm not going to be Used not now not ever.
Really sick of the men that are around. Recently meet some that are ok, but who knows. And sadly I have no interest in them. Besides it's a small school. I'll I can say is I'm happy now.
Mood: depressed
Right as I got in the door from a study session at a friends, one of my brothers starts to swear me out. >( And it continues from there. and then when I'm out of the shower, thankfully THEY won't come in then, he bangs on the door yelling for me to get out. I had previouslly the other one in there. I was already cranky from earlier and the crappy shower. Basically got out... went room and locked the door. Oh am I happy I have a lock. Then got really depressed as I ended up reflecting on crap.
My friend is finally going to move out of her screwed up home, with her boyfriend into a house with my other friend and her fiancee (sp?) Well couldn't be happier for her. Really. I only wish I could too...as my house members are currently pushing my sanity. I'm just so glade that none of my friends ever read this journal. Only problem with being known on Live Journal. I swear I just want to cry, but that usless I guess. My only thoughts now..'isn't there anywhere I can go...?' Answer...'no.' -_-` I can't move out..I have no one I can turn to. I'm more depressed than people relize, but that for the better. And everyone takes it for being tired. heh.. if they only new... I'm just tired of my life. I'm tired of being emotionally drained. Please oh please let me be able to leave here soon. please.
Mood: thoughful
Though I was slightly sadden that everyone had forgotten about my b-day with the exception of some out of town friends. It still wasn't a bad b-day. Just wish I actually did something for it. But then again I knew ahead of time it was going to be like this and made the most of it. ^_^ Little intution. ^_~ But Anime Expo coming up, and I hope to enjoy it. I'll take my vacation as an extended b-day gift to myself. If I'm lucky maybe my parents will give me money as a late b-day gift and I can actually buy stuff. ^_^
Mood: lost in thought
Comments: Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. It seems to be happening a lot in the morning hours though. ^_^` Just stuff in general. Random things. Am I heading the right direction. Is not taking any classes this summer ok; is it ok to take a time out to look at where I'm heading. More like I need to. Oh yes and about the guy who decided to go the wrong way on the highway straight at our car coming back from Disney Land. Worry not at the last minute he went into the bushes and back across to the right side of the highway. Still a experience not so easily forgotten. I'm just amazed someone would do that and actually got to pondering the 'WHY'. As I said random things.
Well the weekend is upon us in less than a day. And I'll have to go to work, but I hope to have something new up on my site, in my free time, before hand. And on monday I'll be another year older at 12:22 a.m. Scary. And I didn't seem to even notice it approching till my friend sent me a package in the mail. ^_^ To someone very dear to me in Kentucky. Thank you!
Mood: down
Comments: (redone) Just got back from Fanime. It was fun as usual, but there was a few thing I would have like to do and old friends I wish I hung out with. Also a friend who got semi hurt. But all and all it ended up being a good con.
The thing that bothered me the most is I felt or rather was giving the impression that I was really irratating someone. I try not to but I guess I can't help it. Didn't help I felt, at times, they were jumping down my throat. Also making me feel really infiroir. Lack of confindence doesn't help. Also trying to avoid getting angry I tend to inflict things on myself, meaning it's my fault. I guess I have a weird phycologial view. ONE that needs to be gotten rid of, or used more moderately. As a result of countless.... put downs I was left semi depressed, which I was lucky everyone took as tired. So it was a half crappy weekend. Yeah I finally said it. I have a right to complain too.
But then again, I was a tad annoying... maybe in little ways. Like pointing out that we needed to go and repeating myself. And oh yes my depressed mood makes me tired and so I don't talk too loud and have to reapeat myself over and over. Which got me irratated so I ended up saying never mind 1/3 the time instead of saying it again. And I know that gets annoying. But still. ok I'm sure there are others, and she did have a lot of tension on her. Next time I think I'll act like a wall flower, and if someone wants to talk to me then great. You know maybe I should just name this my rant page. Or the place for my brooding sessions.
Drug of choice: sugar and soda ( lacking in both)
Mood: sullen
Comments: (just one big brooding session) I've lack energy majorly the last two days. Fanime is coming up, which I am happy about. But I'm not as excited as I was before. Maybe the hype was killed with the extra tension in my life. Course It has to be much worst for my mother. She currently having to deal with getting her mom out of her house. Lets just say it's not suitible for my grandma to live alone anymore. Well she be happier hopefully now. I mean who really wants to live alone when their old.
Kinda funny for me to be saying that. I planned to live my life out like that. Old, alone and with my cats. I live life how I wanted till I died. Getting married was never a big ideal for me. I was happy with the idea of supporting myself and living it alone, having a few friends around. Later, as I got older...even more recently... I realized I can't always depend on them to be there when I need someone. That fact of the matter is they have real lives too. Most will be getting married early on while the others in the near future ...span of ten years. Usually how it goes. And I thought I'd be fine with that too. But I can't help but feel a little lonely.
Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and really pathetic, now that I won't see as much of my friends. It doesn't help that college and work separate us already. Gu ess I need to branch out more. *_*
As for men... I not to ken on the idea of dating right now. I mean all the men I've attracted lately are all stacker SCARY people. I mean most are nice..but there are some that well yeah border STACKER! I mean I'm not some fantastic person, abvously, or THAT attactive. I just have ... a problem with being mean... and I mean real rude. Though I'm sure I can be. -_-` My friend is helping me with a death glare and how to 'handle' people. In the end this doesn't help my outlook on males.
In the end I just want a be alone, but am stuck with this small numb feeling. I just hope when I'm alone, I just die in my house peacefully. *_* Just let me have someone check on me, and send the cops over.
BTW for anyone reading this. It goes on... Also I feel I'm wearing out my welcome with friends. One I know I'm bothering. Guess I need to have more people around. Of course if I had a place of my own I wouldn't be trying to flee it. I'd be content to stay there. But then again how healthy is that. Guess I need to make more friends like my sister sugguested. But I really hate the idea of finding new people.. I mean I don't even got o school around here. I guess the best thing to do is reroot myself somewhere and then go from there. Well I'm ending this rant. I guess I just want someone there so I know I'm not alone.
Music: same as the mood. Mood: reflective
Mood: little off
On the up side I got to see this really cool blood moon. Other than that I 've been a zombie today. I tryed to get energized off some sugar and caffine...but it didn't help any. AND I learn that my cat can talk /bellor in his sleep. It was VERY disturbing! lol
Mood: Better
Mood: Not impressed!
He's a flippen dumb ass. Am I wrong?
Dreams: Really weird and I've been talking in my sleep. Or so my friends have told me.
Dreams: Disturbing future.
